07x10 - Nick's Best Friend

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪



Okay, these are
all your birthday cards

- that arrived today, right?
- Right.

All the aunts, uncles, cousins,
friends, covered, right?

Right.

Okay, I'm gonna show you
how to get through

- this pile of cards in minutes.
- (snaps fingers)

Ready?

You take your letter opener.

You take your card,

give it a clean slit
along the top like this.

Give it one of these.
(blows)

Quick snap of the wrist.

No money comes out...

in the trash.

Try the next one here.

Money comes out.

Keep the money, take the card,
throw it in the trash.

Either way,
you don't have to read the card.

That's the beauty of it.

All right.

Hey, what are you guys doing?

Looking for birthday money.

Well, that is terrible.

Now, where did you learn that?

I know, it's shocking, isn't it?

Oh, Andy, look.

Hey, now, this one's
from your grandma.

Now, I bet she took a lot
of special care trying

to find a card for you
with a nice birthday message.

Um, here.

"Dear Andy, here's the cash.
Love, Grandma."

That's the kind of love
you just can't buy.

Can you believe this?

This is
Andy's birthday wish list.

You know, Alex,
this is reminiscent

of your seventh birthday.

You're the only
second-grader I knew

who took advantage
of the bridal registry.

It was a great birthday.

I got, uh,
two pocket calculators

and a crystal gravy boat.

- Hi.
- STEVEN: Hey, hi, hon.

Listen, you are about to meet

Nick's oldest friend
in the world.

What, prison furlough program?

No.

His name is Scrapper,
he's very old,

he's missing a few teeth,

and he used to live
with Nick's mom.

That would be Nick's dad?

No, it wouldn't be.

Nick, Scrapper, come on in!

(laughs)

- Hey.
- This guy.

MALLORY: This is Scrapper.
Isn't he great?

He even looks like Nick.

ELYSE:
Yeah, he does.

He's-he's got
his mother's nose though.

Wow, a dog!

Hey, Scrapper, sit, sit.

Why can't you do that?

Whoa, hey, hey, how are ya?

How are you?

Please go away.

Keep it coming, Dr. Doolittle.

I'm sorry, I don't happen
to relate well to quadrupeds.

STEVEN:
Ah, come on, Alex.

I know animals.

This dog is just begging
for a little love and affection.

Aren't you, little doggy?

(Scrapper growls)

Um, Dad, sorry.

He doesn't like
to be called "little doggy."

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Sensitive.

How old is he?

Uh, well, let's see.

I had him
since I was six years old.

So that would make him, uh...

Let me see.

Uh, carry the seven.

take away six would be, uh...
would be, uh...

minus six.

. He'd be .

Right, right. So in dog years,
that would make him, uh...

Let's see. ...

Old, Nick. He'd be old.

Yeah. He used to live
with my mom, but she moved.

And they don't take pets
in her new building,

so now he's mine again.

I think he likes you, Alex.

Yeah, yeah,
it's-it's mutual, Mal.

I just wish someone would
slip him a breath mint.

No, I think Mal's right.
You know, he gave you dolly.

He doesn't give you dolly
unless he likes you.

Scrapper, give Alex a kiss.

Oh, oh, great, great!

I just hope
my pores weren't open.

Alex, how can you not like
a doggy kiss?

What is there to like about

having your face covered
in kibble residue?

Oh, hey, you want to see him
do some more tricks?

Somebody to tell him
to roll over.

Oh, me, me, me.

Roll over, Scrapper, roll ov...

(Scrapper growls)

Okay, here's Pin the Tail
on the Donkey and Bingo.

What else do you think would be
fun for Andy's birthday party?

I don't know, but ask your dad.

He's in charge
of the entertainment.

- What does he have planned?
- Oh, don't ask.

He's gone completely overboard.

I'm sorry, it just won't do.

(horn honks)

Because I've seen it all before:

The confetti-in-the-bucket
shtick,

the, uh, sweeping up
the spotlight.

I want something special
for my boy's birthday.

(horn honking)

I'm sorry you feel that way.

(horn honks)

Maybe!

What's going on?

Dad's having a standoff
with a clown.

I'll handle it.

(clears throat)

Hey, Dad...

this bozo giving you
a hard time?

All right, listen,
thanks a lot for coming.

And, uh, by the way,
clowns aren't funny, okay?

(horn honks)

Aw, Dad, you got ten of them
getting in and out of your car.

Look.

- Hi.
- (horn honks)

Do-do you think
Andy will suspect anything?

Nah, he'll probably think
it's one of Mallory's friends.

Hi!

God, you should have seen
Scrapper playing Frisbee.

He leaps up and catches it
every time.

He's not as good at throwing,
but he's still better than Alex.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But can he convert shillings
into drachmas?

Ah, he can't do that,
but he can Watusi.

(hums "Tequila")

Are you two available
for birthday parties?

Here you go.
Here's dolly right here.

Yeah. God, I love this guy.

I almost forgot what great fun
it was having him around.

Nick, what could you possibly
have in common

with an animal
that does nothing all day

but eat, sleep and chew shoes?

Then again, what don't
you have in common?

Alex, animals are
different than people.

Thank you for noticing.

Hey, uh, anybody for another
round of Frisbee?

Oh, yeah. Come on, Alex.

You can get some pointers
from Scrapper.

- Come on, Scrapper.
- Yeah, I'll come with you.

Hey, Scrapper!

(Scrapper growls)

Come on, Scrapper.

(whistles)

Come on, boy.

Good boy. Good boy.

That dog hates me, Elyse.

He's not coming to Andy's party.

Steven, you have gone
totally off the deep end

- with this party business.
- Nonsense, Elyse.

It's just going to be a small,
tasteful get-together.

Now, look, the contortionist
is coming at : .

The, uh... the human lightbulb
at : .

The human lightbulb?

Steven, that's crazy.

She's only watts, Elyse.

Mom, Dad! Um, uh...

What?

- Scrapper got hit by a car!
- Is he okay? - Oh.

I don't know! I can't look!

Yeah, this has happened
plenty of times.

You know, Scrapper sees a car,
he runs right into it.

He's not too bright that way.

Yeah, but it was that cat
that ran out in the street.

Yeah, cats are definitely
his weakness.

You know, he loves
to run after them.

I don't think he wants
to hurt them.

It's just that he's never
seen one close up.

I wish I could say the same.

- Ow, ow.
- Thank you for watching them.

They seem very fond of you.

Yeah, they-they sure do,
they sure do.

You should think about getting
their claws sharpened though.

Left some skin on my neck.

Sorry about that.

They must think
you're their mother.

It's impossible;
I've been out of town.

Well, hello there.

(dog growls)

Alex, this poodle hates me, too.

Well, if it's
any consolation, Dad,

he's gonna have that haircut
for the rest of his life.

Scrapper's been in there
for an awfully long time.

Ah, I think he broke his leg.

You know,
he's broken everything.

I mean, this place is like
his second home, so...

- Nick?
- Oh, hey, hey.

Dr. Austin, how's he doing, huh?

Pretty banged up this time?

Nick, why don't we go talk
in here.

Uh, come with me,
would you, Mal?

So what is it, huh, Doc?

What'd he do, break his leg?

No.

I'm afraid there are other
much more serious problems.

Just tell me.

Scrapper was obviously hit
very hard.

He's suffered some brain damage.

Hey, that's okay.

I mean, he doesn't have
to be that smart.

I'm afraid it's not
a matter of that.

He's breathing at only %
of his lung capacity

and there's also
some internal bleeding.

What are you saying?

I'm saying that you may
have to consider euthanasia.

How can I consider?
I don't even know what it means.

Euthanasia means having
Scrapper put to sleep.

Oh, hey, no way.

I am not gonna do that.

Isn't there something else
you can do?

Well, I could operate
to stop the bleeding.

S-So do that.

Nick, I have to tell you,
Scrapper's a very, very old dog.

His chances of making it
are slim.

If you'd like, you can have
some time to think about it.

You know, the last thing
I want to do is think about it.

I'm sorry, Nick.

(sighs)

What other choice
do I have, huh?

Go ahead, operate.

Do me a favor and, uh,
put this in his cage.

Don't you make fun of him
for having a dolly.

I'll do everything I can.

Okay...
(sighs)

Okay, thanks...

Thanks for coming.
Thanks for coming.

The, uh, the party
is in two days.

(chuckles)

We'll see you then, huh?
This is great.

Watch the antenna.

Good, thanks.

Great, great.

Steven, you promised you were
gonna keep this simple.

Elyse, please, please.

You've got to get
into the spirit.

A boy only turns seven
once in his life.

Don't let it happen
without a crustacean.

Do you guys know a good place

I could hide
Andy's birthday present?

He won't stop snooping.

Right now, he is scanning
my bedroom

with a metal detector.

Uh, well, try the hall closet.

I'll try anything right now.

Hi, Jen.

That's it; I can't take it.

It's a chemistry set.

Mom and Dad, did we hear
if Scrapper's okay yet?

Nick and Alex and Mallory
are still at the vet, honey,

but I'm sure
everything's gonna be okay.

I want to tell you something.

Yeah, what is it, birthday boy?

I don't want
to have a birthday party.

But, Andy, why not?

It just doesn't seem right,
what Scrapper's going through.

Oh, honey, that's very sweet.

No clowns, no Smurfs,

no Mr. Lobster?

Nope.

Maybe for your birthday, Dad.

It's not for five months.

Hi.

Hi. How'd it go?

Surgery's over,
but the doctor said

it's too soon to tell.

Jen, it was so sad
seeing Scrapper sleeping

alone there in his cage.

I mean, when Nick saw him,
I can't believe he didn't cry.

Alex cried though.

That's...

That's completely untrue.

Alex, it was so sweet.

Your eyes welled up

and your mouth went into
that cute figure eight shape.

You cried.

That was an allergic reaction,

(voice breaking):
And you know it.

(knocking)

Hey.

- Hey.
- Hi.

How you doing? Hi.

What do you have there, Nick?

Ah, just some presents
for Scrapper.

When he gets out,
I am gonna spoil him rotten.

Check it out.

I got a little
squeaky ball here.

- (squeaks)
- He'll love this.

And a, uh, little plastic
fire hydrant all his own.

And a rawhide chew bone.

That's for me.

(growls)

That's what I want
for my birthday,

presents for Scrapper.

Do you think he'd like
a chemistry set?

Nick, I'm so glad to see
how optimistic you are.

Hey, he is gonna pull through,
Mrs. Keaton.

You know, I know Scrapper;
he's a little trooper.

And when he gets out
and he's back on his paws again,

me and him are gonna look
at the album I'm gonna make

- from these photos here, huh?
- What do you got there?

Look, uh, there's us
in our backyard.

And, uh, there's my mom
with Scrapper.

Hmm?

And, oh, there's Scrapper
chasing a stick.

- (chuckles)
- Huh?

Oh, there's my mom
chasing a stick.

Uh, uh, there's my mom
and Scrapper

both chasing a stick.

Oh, and here's one
just of the stick.

God, those were good times.

(phone ringing)

I'll get it.

Hello.

Uh, yes.

Hi, Dr. Austin.

Yeah.

He is. Hold on.

Um, Nick, it's the vet.

Uh, hello.

Yes.

Uh-huh.

Okay, I-I'll be there.

I...

He said Scrapper's
not doing so good.

- Oh, no.
- Honey...

Damn.

You know, if he hadn't
come to stay with me,

this never would have happened.

He wouldn't have gotten
run over,

and everything
would just be fine.

Nick, it's not your fault.

Where the hell is the doctor?

Nick, give him a minute.

He's in with a parakeet
that swallowed a swing.

You wouldn't believe
what I just saw.

There's a parakeet out there
shaped like a swing.

Alex?

Alex, what are you doing here?

Oh, listen, I know you guys,
uh, well,

I know you think I don't have
much of a rapport with animals,

but, um, there's a special place
in my heart for old Scrapper.

Hey, thanks, Alex.

Well, uh...
(clears throat)

Uh, no, hey, Alex, you can stay.

Yeah?

So, uh, what's the story, Doc?

How's he doing, huh?

Nick, things didn't go
as well as we'd hoped.

All right, have a seat.

Um, isn't there anything more
we can do?

Maybe he just needs
a little rest, huh?

Nick, right now,
Scrapper's on heavy medication,

so he's only semi-conscious.

When he comes out of it,
he'll be scared and in pain.

Now, we can keep him alive
for a little while on machines,

but that would be more for you
than Scrapper.

So you're saying
there's no hope, huh?

Nick, this isn't
an easy thing to say,

but the best thing you can do
for Scrapper right now

is to put him to sleep.

I...

I can't do that.

You know, it's so final.

Well, he's in pain.

You have to let them
take the pain away.

Nick, it'll happen
very quickly and peacefully.

It's a decision
that requires courage,

but really it comes out of love.

Are you okay?

Oh, sure, I'm okay.

I'm fine.

Scrapper's my pal.

I can't let him hurt like that.

Can I at least
say good-bye to him?

Yes, of course.

We'll leave you alone, okay?

I love you.

Thanks.

Hey, thanks, Alex.

All right, I'm okay.

- I'm sorry. - I'm all right.
- It's all right.

- It's okay.
- Sorry.

(sighs)

(sighs)

Oh, hey, Scrap.

How you doing, buddy?

I'll be outside.

(exhales heavily)

Oh, Scrapper.

Oh, boy.

Something's gonna happen to you

that I can't do nothing about.

But where you're going,

there's gonna be somebody
really nice there

to take care of you.

Hey, God, it's me, Nicky.

Can you do me a favor and, uh...

take old Scrap here
and put him under your wing?

Give him a lot of love?

He's really good at Frisbee.

I mean, if you're
into that kind of thing.

And he's a very,

very special little soul.

And I'm gonna miss him.

Oh, I love you, Scrapper.

A chemistry set!

Thanks, Jen!

What a nice surprise.

STEVEN:
Okay.

Okay, okay, what's next?

(chuckles)

How about a little
Pin the Tail on the Donkey, huh?

It's really not much
of a party feeling, honey.

Even the lobster's depressed.

Where's Nick?

Oh, he's on his way over.

Poor Nick... he cried so hard
on the way home,

you know, like a little kid,

when you can't
catch your breath.

I mean, at first
I couldn't hear him

because Alex was crying so hard.

Can I help you?

Dad, can you get
this guy out of here?

I'm gonna have nightmares,
I swear.

Get going, buddy,

or I'm gonna start boiling water
in a minute.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry it didn't work out,
but, uh...

(doorbell rings)

Oh, excuse me just a moment.

- Yeah.
- Hey.

Hey.

Thank you.

Hey, buddy.

This is for you.

Thanks.

Okay, come on.

So, how you doing, Nick?

You okay?

Uh, no.

But, uh... yeah, I guess.

You?

Yeah, I'm...

Hey, uh, you know,
I-I'm real sorry

I had to drag
all you into this, huh?

Oh, honey, don't be silly.

No, it's okay.

Nick, you're like family.

(chuckles)

(quietly):
Guy's dog just d*ed.

Thanks, Mr. Keaton. Uh...

You know, I feel like
part of me d*ed with Scrapper.

It's just... every memory
I have from childhood,

Scrapper was part of them.

You know, and it's just strange
to think that he's gone.

Nick, we know that nothing will
ever take Scrapper's place,

and that he'll always
have a special place

in your heart
and in your memories.

We can't help feeling
that Scrapper

would want you to go on, you
know, want you to start over.

Here, Nick,
I want to give you this.

It's the best
birthday present I could have.

(gasping, laughing)

Hey there, little buddy.

Hello.

We know you'll give him
a good home, Nick.

Oh, hey, thanks, you guys.

Thanks a lot.
Hey, pal.

What do you say,
you want to be pals with me?

- (chuckles)
- Huh?

(kisses)



MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)