07x12 - The Job Not Taken

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪



- Hey.
- Hi, honey.

- Hey, Dad.
- How was work?

Oh, another day,
another dollar. (laughs)

You know, Dad, yours is one
of the few jobs

where that's literally true.

Maybe so, Alex,
but today was no ordinary day.

On the way home, I, uh, noticed
that Murphy's Bookstore

- was having a
going-out-of-business sale. - Oh.

So I stopped off and I got a
little something for everybody.

ELYSE:
Oh.

Elyse, this is for you.

Cat in the Hat?

Oh, um, no.
That's, uh... that's Andy's.

There's yours.

Oh. Gothic Architecture
in Ancient Babylonia.

I'll take Cat in the Hat.

No way, Mom.

Mal, here you go.

(gasps)
Oh, God!

Oh, it's the new
Shirley MacLaine autobiography...

There Must Be
a Higher Power in the Universe

If I'm Making So Much Money
Doing What I'm Doing.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh. (laughs)

You're welcome. Jen, I thought
you might enjoy this.

Trout Fishing in Canada.

Finally in paperback. Thanks.

Oh, no. They-they must have
given me the wrong book.

I'll take care of that tomorrow,
and Alex,

number one on the financial
best seller list.

Hey, Dad.

Now Give Me Money,
That's What I Want.

That's what I wa-a-a-a-ant.

That's what I want.

And best of all,
I got this for myself.

Oh, The American Medical
Association Medical Guide.

You feeling okay?

- Oh, I'm fine. Fine, Elyse.
- Oh.

It's just,
since the heart att*ck,

I've been more concerned
about, uh, good health,

and this book has home remedies,
uh, safety tips,

symptoms of all
your major diseases.

Sounds like a real
page-turner, Dad.

Oh, it is, Mal, it is.

Uh, now, for example,
let's say you've been feeling

tired, irritated,
frustrated, depressed.

You turn
to the self-diagnosis chart,

and it tells you what you have.

Oh, teenagers.

Well, this teenager's
about to drop from hunger

if we don't eat soon.

Well, honey, the alfalfa
barnacle croquettes are ready.

Ah, darn it.

And I'm going out for dinner.

With whom?

With Paul Corman.

Oh, that's nice.
I haven't seen him

since he graduated
from Leland last year.

What's he doing now?

What's he doing now?

He happens to be an associate
at Dunn and Bradley,

the biggest investment
banking firm in Ohio.

Ooh.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mal.

I know that's not as impressive
as most of your friends.

I mean, who could forget
Shirley Applebaum,

the woman who invented
neon support hose?

(knocking)

ALEX:
Hey.

- Alex. (chuckles)
- Hey, Paul.

Hey, give me your coat.

- You know everybody, right?
- STEVEN: Paul.

- Hey, Paul.
- How are you?

- Hi, everybody.
- So...

What's new in the market?

Well, I'm assuming you read
Stimson's article

in the Journal today?

Oh, yeah. You know, I can't
believe he's still carrying

that old Keynesian
deficit spending

currency-infusion banner.

Actually I thought
he did a good job

refuting Dawson's pseudo-supply
side inversion theory.

Well, granted, Dawson's last
essay was way too reminiscent

of Klemps' piece on the
refinancing of third-world debt

through a suspension
of the IMF loans.

At least it was better
than Oppenheimer's piece.

(laughing): Oh, God, did you
read Oppenheimer's piece?

- That bit about the variable
prime rates? - Prime rates.

(both laughing)

Oh, stop it. Stop it.

Stop.

BOTH:
Whoa...

(both continue laughing)

ALEX:
Oh, my God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

- I guess you had to be there.
- Oh, God.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry, we must be
boring the rest of you.

I did just have
an out-of-body experience.

Oh, by the way, Alex.

Uh, Dunn and Bradley are looking
to hire a new associate,

and I-I gave your résumé
to the hiring committee,

and they want to meet
with you sometime next week.

(chuckles)

Well, I hope you don't mind.

(phones ringing)

Now, let me give you
a complete tour of the place.

This is my desk.

- Hey...
- Nice, isn't it?

Everything you need to make it
in the business world.

Computer, fax machine, terminal,

Pepto-Bismol...

extra-strength Pepto-Bismol.

Industrial-stregth Maalox.

And, hey, look at this.

(laughs)
Whoa.

That was when we, uh,
co-won the Newman Award

for excellence
in undergraduate economics.

We really had
some good times, didn't we?

- Yup, I'll say.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, remember the, uh,
night of our high school prom?

We snuck down and we watched
them load tens and s

into the a*t*matic
teller machine.

(Paul chuckles)

It's one of the most
romantic nights of my life.

Good morning, Mr. Corman.

Uh, good morning, Ms. Daniels.

Ms. Foster is ready
for Mr. Keaton now.

(Alex sighs)

Okay, listen, Paul, uh,

no matter what happens
in there, um...

I really want to thank you
for setting up this interview.

Listen, you just go in there,
knock 'em dead.

No, you listen to me.

I'm not gonna stand
for this nonsense.

I won't be jerked around,
you understand?

Either you come through
for me, or you're out.

You can be replaced, you know.

All right. Say hello to Dad.

Alex Keaton.

I'm Jessica Foster.
Good to meet you.

Good to meet you, Ms. Foster.

Alex Keaton.

Yes, I know.

- Please have a seat.
- Yeah, thank you.

I agreed to see you today,
Mr. Keaton,

because this is
an outstanding résumé.

Fine school, excellent grades,

terrific recommendations.

I was particularly impressed

with this one from,
uh, Richard Nixon.

Unfortunately
that may not be enough.

I'm sorry, excuse me?

Every applicant who comes in
that door went to a top school

and received straight As.

I'm looking
for something special.

Something different.

Something... extraordinary.

I do a little juggling.

I'm quite serious, Mr. Keaton.

If you're not, perhaps we should
just terminate this interview.

Ah, well, Ms. Foster,

look, uh, I-I understand exactly

what it is you're getting at

and, believe me, I can help you.

Really?

How exciting.

I can help you...

because not only do I have
the basic training

and know-how necessary
to structure a takeover merger,

supervise a leveraged buyout,

and-and make change blindfolded,

I also have
what can't be taught.

A vibrant,

passionate,

almost life-threatening

love of money.

A k*ller instinct for cash.

A lust for traveler's checks.

Now, sure, everyone who comes
through this door loves money.

But do they dream about it?

Do they fantasize about it?

Do they roll around naked in it?

I do.

Now, Ms. Foster, I'm sure

you're familiar with the saying

that the love of money
is the root of all evil.

So what?

They're gonna have to do
a lot better than that

to get me to stop loving money.

I mean, it is
as fundamental to our lives

as-as food, air, and shelter.

Ms. Foster, you asked
for something special.

I am something special.

I am something different.

I am something extraordinary.

I am money, hear me roar!

Elyse.
(sighs)

Would you feel my head?

Why?

I think I'm coming down
with malaria.

Steven, that is
the fourth disease

you've contracted
since you got that book.

That's been... what?

Malaria, mumps, chicken pox,

and postpartum depression.

You look fine to me, Dad.

Well, excuse me, Mal,
but I don't remember

seeing your medical degree
around recently.

In fact, I doubt that any of you
are really equipped to deal

with even the most common
medical emergencies.

Such as?

Well, for example,

do any of you know how
to handle snake bites?

Sure, you suck the poison out.

(laughs)

Not necessarily, Mal.

It all depends on the type
of snake that's involved.

You see,

the copperhead's bite

only results in mild pain
and discomfort.

But the cobra's bite

induces dizziness,

disorientation, and delirium.

It's obviously the one
that got you.

Hey, hey.

- Hi, Alex. - Hi, Alex.
- Alex.

How'd the interview go?

Well, let me put it
to you this way, Jen,

all my life there's been
something I wanted to buy,

but I never had
the occasion to wear it.

Well, today...

...I bought it.

Well, either you got the job

or you've been possessed
by Mr. Magoo.

I got the job.

- Oh, that's great, great.
- MALLORY: Hey, Alex!

And you know what they said?

They said that if it goes well,

they're gonna transfer me
to Wall Street.

Do you know what that means?

You'll be moving out.

It means... I will be rich.

And that is all I've ever wanted
my whole life.

Well, to be rich and not
to go bald before I was .

And to have a Porsche

and to not go bald
in that Porsche.

He's delirious.

Maybe got bit by a cobra.

And I would like you all
to have one of these

as a token
of my profound gratitude.

Thanks, son, this makes it
all worthwhile.

- (knocks on door)
- And here is the man

that I have to thank
for all of this.

You know what
we're gonna do tonight?

You know how we're
gonna celebrate?

We're gonna pop open a couple
bottles of champagne,

and we're gonna watch reruns
of Wall Street Week

until the sun comes up.

Let the good times roll, Alex.

But first I'm gonna
take you all out to eat

for the most expensive meal

you can get at Guido's.

- Yum, I think I can eat
with this fever. - All right.

Okay, let's, uh,
let's get moving

so we can catch
the early bird special.

So, you think that I'm gonna
have a desk near yours?

Actually I-I think
you're gonna have my desk.

What does that mean?

Alex, they fired me.

You're kidding me, right?

Foster called me into her office
just before the end of the day.

She said she was unhappy
with my work,

that I didn't have enough
of a lust for cash,

and that I don't want
to roll around naked in money.

What sort of lunatic
would do that?

(scoffs)

She said there are only
so many positions at the firm,

and that you had the kind
of k*ller instinct

that, uh, she was looking for.

(smacks lips)

(exhales)

I'm really sorry, Paul.

Eh, it's okay. I mean, I was
probably on the way out anyway.

You know, I, I'd rather see
you get it than somebody else.

- Right. - Well, listen,
I-I'm go... I'm gonna go.

- I'll, uh, I'll talk to you
tomorrow. - All right.

Yeah, I'll, uh,
I'll give you a call.

Okay.

Where's Paul?

Didn't you invite him to dinner?

Uh, he didn't feel much
like going out.

He just found out he got fired.

Well, that's terrible...
on the same day you were hired.

Yeah, I think I got his job.

Well, you're not
gonna take it, are you?

Of course I'm gonna
take it, Jennifer.

I mean, this is the way it is
in the business world.

But, honey, he's your friend.

Mom, I am not gonna turn down
a job that pays $ , a year.

$ , ?

How well did you
really know him?

Let's go.
Let's go celebrate.

No, wait, Alex...

how can you celebrate
at a time like this?

All right, forget it.

I'll go celebrate by myself.

(door slams)

I knew he'd get out
of paying for this dinner.

Well, good morning, Mr. Keaton.
Welcome to your first day

- at Dunn and Bradley.
- Good morning, Ms. Foster.

I'll tell you, Mr. Keaton,
I envy you.

I remember my first day
on the job.

It was so exciting.

I was right out of Harvard.

Right. A business major?

No, a literature major.
What a waste of time.

Well, it could have been worse.

Could have been an ethics major.

(both laughing)

All right,
let's get back to work.

This is the paperwork
on the Dell merger.

I'd like an analysis

- by the end of the day.
- No problem.

And, uh, you can take
Corman's old desk.

Right.

(phone rings)

Yeah, Alex P. Keaton.

No, I'm, I'm sorry. Paul Corman
doesn't work here anymore.

No, I don't feel guilty
about that.

All right, Mallory,
knock it off.

(phone ringing)

(sighs)

RECEPTIONIST:
Please hold.

(pen scratches on paper)

(sighs)

(sighs)

Come in.

Uh, Ms. Foster...

I finished that analysis
of the Dell merger.

Hmm, very nice, Mr. Keaton.

Very nice.

This is the best analysis
I've seen in months.

You're going to do very well
here, Alex.

Thank you very much.

I quit.

You have trouble
with compliments, don't you?

Look, uh, I'm sitting out here,

looking over market reports,

merger profiles,
security violations...

stuff I love...

but I can't enjoy it.

I can't enjoy it

because I took a friend's job.

Mr. Keaton, I understand
what you're going through.

We all have friends.

Not me personally.

But we can't let them get
in the way of business.

Yeah, maybe that's true,
but, uh, it's not the way

I want to get
my business career started.

Ms. Foster, look,
I appreciate the opportunity,

but I'm sorry,
I'm gonna have to resign.

Fine. Whatever you want.

But you know what I think,
Mr. Keaton?

I think you're just
a nice, sweet guy.

Take that back.

I bet you've never done anything
truly nasty in your entire life.

Oh, yeah?

Get my family on the phone.

What did you ever do
that showed a k*ller instinct?

In the seventh grade
I poured salt on a slug.

A lot of salt.

You're pathetic!
Get out of my office!

All right, fine, okay, okay.
Let me tell you something.

I may be a nice guy, but you...

have way too many lamps
in this office!

All right, you've pulled

your drowning victim out
of the water.

You've completed
the resuscitation.

Now, the next step is to expel
the water from the lungs,

which is achieved with a firm
push on the chest cavity so.

Oh, that's mature, Elyse.

Well, Steven, you've been
letting that silly medical book

dominate your whole life.

It's true, Dad. Every day we've
had a first-aid demonstration.

It's like living
with the school nurse.

These are all
very basic techniques

that everyone should know!

Dad, how often are we gonna have
to extract poison arrows?

Yeah, you walk around
complaining about ailments

you couldn't possibly have!

Like what?

Oh, Steven, you are not molting!

Oh, no, Elyse?
This is my second skin today.

I don't know
what's happening to me.

Hey, guys.

Hey, honey, how was
your first day at work?

I quit.

Boy, nobody works at that place
very long, do they?

Ah, you guys were right.

I mean, I couldn't take that job
after they fired Paul.

I thought I could just go
down there and forget about it,

but, uh, didn't work out
that way.

Honey, I think that was
very noble of you.

You had to make a choice
between money and friendship,

and you chose friendship.

Boy, I would have lost
my shirt on that bet.

I don't think you guys
fully appreciate

how devastating this is to me.

I mean, I always assumed
that when the time came,

that I could be cold
and heartless and tough.

That's what it takes to make it
in the business world.

Instead it turns out
I've got a conscience.

Damn it.

Alex, you did the right thing.

Otherwise you wouldn't have been
able to live with yourself.

As Friedrich Nietzsche
once said,

"If a friend does evil to you,

"say to him, 'I forgive you
for what you did to me,

but how could I forgive you
for what you did to yourself?"'

Grow up, Jen.

Alex, I'm sure there are plenty
of sharks in the business world,

but I'm also sure
there are plenty

of decent, compassionate people
who have become very successful.

Oh, Dad, name one.

Well, there's
your Uncle Charlie.

Dad, Uncle Charlie manufactures
wax fruit.

Not only. He's been getting
into lips and candles.

No, no, let's face it.
I haven't got what it takes.

I'm just not tough enough
to make it.

I got to find myself
a kinder, gentler profession.

Maybe I'll become a nun.

You could work with me
at the station.

Nuns make more.

Look, honey, even if you are
nice, we're still proud of you.

Dad, I was looking
in your medical book.

I have a question.

Oh, sure, Andy. What's up?

What's human reproduction?

Well, Andy, it's, um...

Uh... mm...

sort of...

Elyse?

Your father doesn't
actually know, honey.

It's, it's when a man
and a woman, uh...

Birds do it. Uh...

Bees do it.

Educated fleas do it.

Nice going, Dr. Ruth.

Girls, help us out here.

How should we know?
You never told us.

Un, Andy, look, come out
in the kitchen

- and we'll explain it to you.
Come on. - Yeah.

I know what it means.

I just wanted to see
how they would react.

(knocking)

Hey, Paul.

Are you crazy?
Why did you quit?

Listen, get on the phone,
call Foster,

and tell her you want
that job back.

Forget it, Paul.
I'm not taking your job.

It's not my job.
It's a job and it's open.

You should have never let it go.

You would have done
the same thing for me.

Oh, yeah, really?

You think I would have quit
a $ , -a-year job for you?

Yeah.

Well, you're right.

$ , would be
a different story, of course.

I completely understand.

Well, I'll tell you
this much, Alex.

You're a hell of a nice guy.

Look, I know, I know.
I'll grow out of it.

Anyway, there are a lot of,
lot of jobs out there.

Oh, actually I, uh,
I think I got a sh*t

at a job over at Hughes-Simpson.

Hey, congratulations.

Hey, well, you know,
guys like us bounce back quick.

Hey, you bet.

Think you can get me
an interview?



MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)