07x16 - Simon Says

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Family Ties". Aired: September 22, 1982 - May 14, 1989.*
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Set in suburban Columbus, Ohio during the Reagan administration, Steven and Elyse Keaton are baby boomers, liberals and former hippies, raising their three children: ambitious, would-be millionaire entrepreneur Alex; fashion-conscious, gossipy Mallory; and tomboy Jennifer.
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07x16 - Simon Says

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪



Mom, quick, hide me.

ELYSE:
Are you all right?

No, Mom, I'm scared.

What's the matter, Alex?

Did you see a rerun
of The Wizard of Oz?

Are the flying monkeys
after you, Alex?

Ooh, the flying monkeys
are after Alex.

Ooh.

(chuckling):
Come on, come on, Mal.

Knock it off.

Ooh.

Ooh, the flying monkeys, Dad.

Ooh.

Elyse!

Honey, stop scaring your father.

He'll be up all night.

Ooh, the flying monkeys,
my pretty.

Ah, leave him alone.

He's starting to cry.

Alex, if this is scarier
than the flying monkeys,

I don't want to hear about it.

It's the paper girl.

She sees me walking
down the street.

She pedals her bike towards me,
fast as she can.

When she gets real close,

she throws the paper right
at my head.

(panting)

Thank God
she doesn't deliver pianos.

Oh, Alex,
it just means she likes you.

When I was little,

that's how I showed
if I liked a boy.

If-if I thought he was cute,
I'd just punch him in the arm,

and if I wanted him
to go out with me,

I'd pull his hair like that,

but if I wanted
to go steady with him,

I'd... I'd knock him
unconscious.

I married her,

and I'm thankful to be alive
to talk about it.

Oh, God, that's her.
I'm out of here.

This is like the Little Archies
version of Fatal Attraction.

Hey, Alex,
if you don't want her,

I'll take her.

Hi, Marla!

What can I do for you?

Um, you owe me two bucks
for the paper and...

I'm in love with your son.

(Marla squeals)

(Alex screams)

Don't hurt him, Marla!

Well, not till we get there.

Hi, Mal.

MALLORY:
Hi. Hi.

Jen, this is the happiest day
of my life.

Being picked to be
your social studies partner

is a natural high unlike
any other,

my little Ohio Buckeye beauty.

Simon, listen, I like you,

and it's gonna be fun
to be your project partner,

but you have to stop calling me
those names.

What names are those,
my flaxen-haired dove?

Hi, Simon.

Hello, lovely lady.

Your radiance glows
like moonbeams.

Why are you talking
like Omar Sharif?

Life is too short not to.

Tell your sister
the wonderful news.

Simon and I were paired together
for a project at school.

Paired together by fate,
by the gods.

Well, what's the project?

We're supposed to do a paper
on entering the workforce,

so Simon and I
got after-school jobs.

Jennifer, that's great.

Oh, for the first time
in your life,

you'll be earning
your own money.

You'll be able to go
where you want to,

buy whatever clothes
you want to.

I mean, you won't have to rely

on Mom and Dad's
measly little allowance.

(anxious laugh)

Hi, Mom and Dad.

The k... ah, the kettle's ready.

- Kettle's in here.
- Oh.

The sofa... the sofa's ready.

Hmm.

Um, what's this
about getting a job?

Oh, it's for school.
Simon and I

are gonna be working
at a fast food restaurant.

Chicken Heaven.

Heaven for chickens
and heaven for me.

I'm gonna be working
side by side

with the alluring
Jennifer Keaton.

Not to mention
those alluring chickens.

Have you noticed how popular
our children are these days?

Alex, I is your woman now!

(Alex shrieks)

Hi, Mr. Keaton.

Hi, Marla.

You're wearing a skirt.

You're also wearing pants.

Is Alex here?

- Uh...
- Oh, hi, Marla.

You look pretty today.

Thank you, Mrs. Keaton.

Even wearing a little blush
on your cheeks?

Oh, it's not blush.

It's newsprint
from the Sunday supplement.

Ah, very becoming.

(Marla squeals)

(Alex grunts)

(Alex groans)

Oh, my God.

Oh, Alex, Alex, be nice to her.

I've never seen a girl
so much in love.

So, Mrs. Keaton,
you gave birth to Alex, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Well, someone had to.

(chuckles)

Must have been the most
exciting day of your life.

How was it for you, Mr. Keaton?

Well, Marla,
I didn't give birth to Alex.

I wanted to,

but, uh, I lost the coin toss.

You're pretty.

Scram, kid, I don't go for tots.

Not as pretty as I thought.

I got a present for you, Alex.

Uh, Marla, you-you don't have
to give me presents.

Yeah, I do.

I wanted to give you
something personal.

I got you this
because I couldn't find the jar

that my tonsils were in.

Well-well...

that's a shame.

I saved up my pennies,
my nickels, and my dimes,

and I bought you a $ bill.

I hope you like it.

- (door closes)
- ELYSE: Well, Alex,

she sure knows the way
to your heart.

It is a beauty.

Hate to have to give it back.

Yeah.

Well, she should learn
a lesson from this.

Okay, Jen, what's the price

of a heavenly chicken
combo deluxe?

$ . plus tax.

Jennifer, you're amazing.

You've got the mind
of a chicken.

Thank you, Simon.

You've got the body
of a chicken.

Mallory, mystical woman
of the Midwest,

would test us on giblets?

Okay, how many giblets
in a quart?

You know, Jen,
I'm-I'm really proud of you.

This sounds like
a wonderful place to work.

Well, Dad, it's not exactly

the most prestigious place
in the world.

What are you talking about,
Jennifer?

Chicken Heaven is a completely
highbrow establishment.

Simon, highbrow establishments
don't usually have

a drive-through lane
where your customers

scream their orders directly
into a chicken beak.

And then what happens?

The chicken tells the cook?

Uh...

(cash register beeping)

And cents is your change.

Thank you.

Jennifer...

you're beautiful
when you're making change.

Simon, will you stop it
and get to work?

Excuse me, sir.

Sir?

- Simon, I think he wants you.
- Oh.

Look, you completely
screwed up our order,

and we had to wait minutes

while you made it
in the first place.

I am sorry;
I'll fix that right up for you.

Great, and what are we supposed
to do in the meantime?

Would you care for a lozenge?

I'd like to see the manager.

Uh, here she is.

She's the manager?

Oh, she's more
than just the manager.

She's the woman I love.

Simon, stop it.
Go put some fries on.

I'm sorry, sir,
I'll take care of it.

You better.

Hey!

That's no way to talk to her.

Would you like to step outside?

Sure. Would you?

No, I just thought you would.

Simon, you really got
to get it together.

You're really screwing up here.

Now go put some more fries on.

I'm sorry, sir, here you go.

I really don't know
why I keep coming back here.

The service is bad,
the atmosphere is worse,

and the food is inedible.

How about a coupon
for a free meal?

Hey, thank you very much.

See you tomorrow.

Did you put the fries on?

Mission accomplished,
my poultry goddess.

(sighs)

Hi.

Welcome to Chicken Heaven,

where you get more cluck
for your buck.

Give me three
heavenly drumsticks...

Ordering three
heavenly drumsticks.

...French fries...

Ordering French fries.

...coleslaw...

Ordering coleslaw.

The kitchen's on fire.

Ordering the kitchen's on fire.

Is that one of our specials?

No! The kitchen's on fire,
you idiot!

Make that ordering the kitchen's
on fire, you idiot.

Would you like a drink
with that?

Simon, the kitchen's on fire!

(chuckles)
That's a really popular dish.

Oh, the fries!

Simon!

Quick.

Simon, Jennifer,

who's responsible for this?

Can we ever say,
in the philosophical sense,

that anyone is responsible
for anything?

Yeah, watch me.

Look, Mr. Parker, we were
really jammed up with customers,

and I-I think it's possible

that the fries were left on
a little too long.

I will tell you what happened.

This chicken-flicking nitwit
screwed up my order

and ignored my repeated warnings

that the fire was starting.

Will there be anything else
for you today, madam?

This young lady saved the day.

You should be proud
of having her as an employee.

I am.

And you should be ashamed
of having him.

I am.

(sighs)

Simon, you're on probation here.

Thank you, sir, I'm honored.

Jennifer, you're real
Chicken Heaven material.

I think you have what it takes
to rise to the top of the coop.

No one's ever said that
to me before.

How would you like
to be assistant manager?

Yeah.

So, when did you first realize
that Alex was

the most wonderful human being
in the whole world?

When you told us.

Uh, and before that,

uh, when he told us.

Let's move on.

Now, what's his favorite chair?

Well, probably the one
you're sitting in.

(squeals)

Mar... Marla!

(through gritted teeth):
Give it back!

Let's not tell her
where his bed is.

MALLORY:
Mom?

Can you tell Alex

to stop leaving his plates
all over the house?

I found this outside his door,
like room service.

(squealing)

She gone?

Alex, you have to do something.

You have to talk to her.

Yeah, not yet, Mom.

I think she's about to give me
some more money.

Hey, what's with the paper girl?

She's standing on the corner,
staring at a fork.

(Steven sighs)

She's in love with your brother.

No, seriously.

My sister, ladies and gentlemen.

- How was work, honey?
- JENNIFER: God, Mom,

it was worse than ever.

I mean, since they made me
assistant manager,

Simon has become
even more of a problem.

We took the job together,
but now I'm his boss.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

He's completely incompetent.

If it were anyone else,
I think I'd fire him.

Yeah, so what's the problem?

Alex, he's my friend.

So what's the problem?

(sighs)
I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Maybe I should just quit,
and get a job at Jiffy Burger.

No, no, no.

I've seen their hats.

(doorbell rings)

Oh. Hi, Simon.

Hi.

Simon, this isn't the army.

You don't have to wear
your uniform off duty.

Oh, I know. But I like it.

So I've incorporated it
into my wardrobe.

Sometimes I wear just
the hat and ski boots.

I'm sorry we had to hear that.

Simon, we have to talk.

Yes?

(sighs) Simon,

we were paired together
to do a job,

and I don't feel
that you're living up to

your end of the bargain.

What do you mean, pretty lady?

Simon...

I've got a job to do,

and I take that kind of
responsibility seriously.

Now, stop concentrating on me,

and start concentrating
on your job.

What job is that?

Why am I both drawn to you

and repelled by you?

I don't know.

My mother asked the same thing.

(indistinct conversations)

Sorry I'm late,
but I'm ready to go.

- Whoa!
- Simon...

Simon, when you're late,

I get in trouble
with Mr. Parker.

Now stop fooling around
and get to work.

I love it when you're bossy.

Simon, I don't want to hear it.

Get to your post.

- You again, Simon?
- No, sir, it was me.

I accidentally
bumped into Simon,

and he knocked the cups over,

and then I asked him
to clean them up for me.

And I'm happy to do
that for her, sir,

because I'm her knight
in shining armor.

Okay, I never had armor,

but I had braces for a while.

You should've had a muzzle.

All right, get back to work,
both of you.

JENNIFER:
I like that idea.

- (sighs)
- Jen, I really appreciate

you-you covering for me.

I don't know how to thank you.

Maybe I do!

(over P.A.):
♪ You are so beautiful ♪

♪ To me... ♪

Thank you very much.
Where you from?

♪ The assistant manager
is so beautiful ♪

♪ To me ♪

♪ Can't you see? ♪

♪ You're everything... ♪

Simon...

Thank you.
The next show is at : .

- Hi, honey.
- What are you guys doing here?

Uh, just came by to get
a little free food.

Alex, I can't do that.

We're out of here, then.

Excuse me, miss?

Miss, hey you! Miss!

Hey, you...

mister.

That's no "miss,"
that's my sister.

Yeah.
She's my sister, too.

And you better listen to him,
he's my brother.

Want to meet my parents?

We're them.

And she's right.

You have a problem with her,

you go through us.

You see, if one of us
gets a job,

we all get the job.

You got that?

I just wanted some ketchup.

KEATONS:
Jen?

It's over there.

KEATONS:
It's over there.

Nice meeting you.

(Jennifer sighs)

So how's it going, Jen?

See for yourself.

(soda water spurting)

In the true sense of the word,

he is a soda jerk.

Honey, you've got to do
something about Simon.

Oh, just ignore him.

It happens every
two or three hours.

What do you guys want?

Uh, well, Jen, uh...
what do you recommend?

Eating somewhere else.

Look, why don't we try four of
the Wing-a-ling Delights?

No, no, no, I don't want
a Wing-a-ling Delight.

I want...

a... Gizzard Blizzard.

Uh, I'll have the Tub O'Necks.

Ordering three Wing-a-lings,

one Gizzard Blizzard,

and one Tub O'Necks.

You know what I'd really like?

A mesquite-grilled,

free-range,
boneless breast of chicken

on a bed of radicchio

with a mustard vinaigrette.

Ordering one Heavenly Slop Pile.

- Simon!
- Oh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Hey!

(yelling):
Whoa!

That's enough!

I've got it under control!

(clattering, thudding, clanking)

Well...

obviously, I'm not needed here.

Jen, uh...

why don't you, uh, lock up
when you leave, all right?

Mr. Parker, can I fire him?

Uh, no. But I can.

Simon!

You're fired!

(over P.A.):
Where's my Tub O'Necks?

You have a milk mustache.

I like that in a man.

Marla...

(exhales)

Marla...

I'm very flattered...

that you have a crush on me.

Alex, are you gonna tell me

it's not gonna work between us?

Yeah.

Well, fine,

if that's the way
you feel about it.

I can handle this very maturely.

Why not?

Shh... Marla, look...

I already have a girlfriend.

And-and... I go to
graduate school.

I mean, I'm twice your age.

Where do you want to go
for the honeymoon?

I like the Poconos.

Marla, it's not gonna work,
okay?

I mean, it's-it's-it's...

it's completely nuts.

I mean, i-it's impossible.

I can't believe I'm wearing
a stupid bow in my hair.

The bow is beautiful.

It is not!

I look like Rose Marie!

That's not true.

Alex...

you've broken my heart.

Look, I don't want to do that.

In a very little while,

you're gonna forget
all about me.

In that case,

I want my bucks back.

There's no reason to break
this off entirely.

A gift is a gift.

Come on, cough it up.

Look, Marla...

any guy your age

would be crazy
not to fall for you.

Get out of here.

I mean it, I mean it,
you know, who knows?

Maybe ten or years,

you're breaking hearts
left and right...

Maybe, uh...

maybe our paths
will cross again.

Bye, Marla.

Wow.

I'll never wash
my forehead again.

Not that I ever did much before.

Hey.

Oh!

How'd it go with Marla?

Kind of rough.

(Alex grunts painfully)

It's okay; she's young.

She'll get over it.

I'm talking about me.

I had to give the bucks back.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Is Jennifer here?

I'll get her.

Ooh...

(sighs)

Well, the secret's out.

I'm a real goofball.

I'll be honest with you, Simon.

That hat's not working for you.

(sighs)

Hi, Jen.

I'm sorry about
how things went today.

I'm here to turn in my uniform.

I'm gonna miss this.

Got a lot of compliments on it
from my therapist.

I'm sorry, Jen. I...

I guess I just got carried away.

See, when I'm around you,

I can't even function.

Simon, you've got to grow up.

I mean, don't you realize
what happened back there?

You could have gotten me fired.

You weren't even trying
to do a good job.

That's not true, Jen.
I wanted to do a good job.

I'm sorry
I embarrassed you, I...

guess I do have to be
a little more responsible.

I just wanted to impress you,
so that you'd like me.

Simon, I do like you...

If you say "as a friend,"
I'm gonna spontaneously combust.

Well, then, I guess I'd better
take a few steps back.

As a friend, huh?

Yeah.

I hope you can deal
with that, Simon.

Actually, it's...

like driving a stake
through my heart.

But I can live with that.

Tell me something, Jen...

would you really have fired me
from Chicken Heaven?

Absolutely.

Would you ever fire me
as your friend?

Never.



MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)
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