07x22 & 07x23 - Wrap Around the Clock

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la. ♪



ELYSE: Freeze!

Where do you think you're going?

Uh, no place, Mom.

We're just, uh, trying
to break in our coats.

But we were supposed
to all be here

tonight to share this.

Oh, no, not another
Woodstock slide show

where you guys spend the evening
trying to spot yourselves

among... among a sea
of long hair and beards.

STEVEN: (laughs) Jennifer,

we once spotted a blonde speck

in that crowd
that was definitely your mother.

That's not
what we're doing tonight.

What are we doing tonight?

You're helping me make
a time capsule for school.

Oh, that sounds neat...
what are you gonna put in it?

I'm gonna put stuff
about our family.

Can you put Alex in there?

I could try.

So if you have any mementos that
remind you of growing up,

put them in there.

I, uh, I actually have
the first dollar I ever earned.

Uh, and I'll sell it
to you for bucks.

You sure you can't
put Alex in there?

Maybe if we let some of the
hot air out of him, he'll fit.

So what do you got
in here so far, Andy?

- I got my baby boots.
- Oh...

Yeah, you know,
I've got mine bronzed...

which made it
really tough to walk.

Look, our old color slides.

- Oh, no, the slides!
- No slides.

I thought you kids loved
my slide shows.

You used to sit there,

staring at them, eyes wide open.

No, Dad, we learned
to sleep that way.

I can't believe
you guys can watch this.

You look ridiculous.

Half a million people trying
to stop a senseless w*r.

You find that ridiculous?

I'm talking about the outfits.

I'm dying, I'm dying.

Promise me you'll never show
these when my friends are here.

Promise or I'm leaving
home right now.

Mallory, that was history
in the making.

There were people... every state
in the union at that protest.

What were you protesting...
good grooming?

Mommy, you look so pretty.

Like an Indian princess.

That's your father, dear.

- There I am.
- STEVEN: There you go.

You look almost
as pretty as Daddy.

Daddy, how long ago was that?

That was very long ago.

In a galaxy far, far away.

All right, who wants to see

- the Peace Corps slides?
- (kids groan)

You know, this is fun,
and it's a great way

to clean out my closet.

Do you have room for six pairs
of Earth Shoes,

a mood ring and a pet rock?

Why were you guys always
protesting stuff?

Well, I think
it was just the times.

There was a lot to be
upset about, you know?

w*r, the government.

Not being able to drag
a comb through your hair.

Don't listen
to your brother, Andy.

If he'd been older,
he would've loved the ' s.

Mom, the only way I could've
enjoyed the ' s

would be if my headband
had been too tight,

I had lost consciousness

and woke up in the ' s.

Wait a minute, Alex.

I seem to remember
your getting involved

in a protest or two.

ELYSE:
That's right,

Andy, and it was
for a good cause, too...

The Equal Rights Amendment.

Alex?

No, it was for a better cause
than that.

It was for a girl.

♪ Deep in our hearts ♪

♪ We do believe ♪

♪ We shall not be moved today. ♪

- (women whooping)
- All right!

That's right.
Sing it!

It's important.

Are you okay?

No, not really.

Look, Deena, I cannot go on
with this any longer.

I-I-I'm not really...

Alex, that was a very
courageous thing you did,

coming to Dorothy's
defense like that.

Well, thanks, but, uh,

listen, about this whole
ERA business, this-this...

this button, this-this shirt...
it's not...

Is that a scratch on your ear?

Yeah, but it's nothing.

Oh, those animals.

Alex, I don't think I've ever
been as attracted to anybody

as I am to you right now.

So, what is it
you wanted to tell me?

Don't remember.

I think it was
a trivia question.

Isn't this romantic?

The two of us
in prison together.

Alex, I want to think you
for coming to my defense.

I'm proud of you.

And I'm very impressed with
your passion for the movement.

Well, uh, Dorothy,
it was a privilege

to come to your aid.

I mean, I-I regret I have

but one ear to give
to the cause.

Alex, when you talk like that,
I can barely

keep my hands off you.

But-but those are
just idle words.

I mean, there is
a job to be done here.

- Yes, there is.
- Right on!

You know, and not only by us,

but by women everywhere.

WOMAN:
Yeah, tell 'em!

How long must we wait?

How long are we expected
to accept these indignities?

How long, Lord?

(women whooping)

You know, I feel the way
President Kennedy must've felt

that day at the Berlin wall,
when he said,

"Today I am a Berliner."

Well, today in this cell,
I say to you,

"I am a woman."

(women whooping)

ELYSE: Alex definitely turns up
in the most unlikely places.

"His mother put him to bed,
and made some chamomile tea,

and she gave a dose
of it to Peter."

See? Right there.

"One tablespoon full
to be taken at bedtime.

"But Flopsy, Mopsy
and Cottontail,

"who are good little bunnies,

had bread and milk
and blackberries for supper."

There, see?

These are blackberries.

Read it again, Mommy.

Give it a break, Alex.

She read it three times.

ALEX: Hey, come on, Andy
and I love to read together.

"And then Mr. Reagan said...

"'Oh, look, Mommy,

"It's Secretary of State...

It's Secretary
of State George Shultz."

Boy, Andrew, this I Love
Republicans pop-up book

was the best purchase
I ever made.

Make Nancy wave again.

Hi.

What is this word right here?

"Impeach."

Isn't that sweet?

It really is.

You know, sometimes I think
we're too harsh on Alex.

He-he's not just a callous
archconservative Republican.

You know, sometimes
he can be a warm,

loving son and brother.

BOTH:
"I... am...

not... a crook."

ALEX: The one thing you
don't want to see, though,

is a book in Mallory's hands.

"But I reckon I got to light out

"for the territory ahead of
the rest because Aunt Sally,

"she's gonna adopt me
and civilize me

and I can't stand it...
I've been there before."

Mal, is that you?

What are you doing?

I'm reading.

When did you learn how?

When I found out that
Cosmopolitan magazine

was banned in certain places,
I became enraged.

Then I saw Huckleberry Finn
sitting on the coffee table,

and I said to myself,

"What better way to show
Jennifer my support?"

So I picked it up and I started
reading and you know what?

I love it.

I love reading... I'm gonna
teach Nick how to read.

STEVEN: Mallory did
a great job of it.

"The little engine looked
at the hill

and said, 'I think I can."'

(clears throat)

"I think... I can."

"I think I can."

This is getting
pretty exciting, huh?

I wonder what happens next?

He gets up the hill, Nick.

I got a few things...

from my own personal collection.

Alex, that's way too big.

What's in there, your ego?

Andy, I'm gonna give you
my favorite baby toy.

She knew how to feather her hair
before she even had any.

And this is the English textbook
that I used to help Nick

get his high school
equivalency diploma.

(laughs)

Yeah, yeah, you, uh,
you were a lot of help.

What is a verb?

What does it do in a sentence?

Uh, it just kind of sits there,

trying not to bother
the other words.

Come on, Nick.

A verb is a word that does
something active in a sentence,

like walk or run or eat.

Yeah, but, um,
eating's not active.

Unless you eat and run.

Well, you don't have
to be moving to be active.

You just have
to be doing something.

Well...
what about if you're dead?

I mean, you can't be active
when you're dead,

unless you're a ghost
or a vampire.

Well, you can use verbs
for ghosts and vampires.

Uh, just not for ordinary
dead people, huh?

I'm gonna have to look that up,

I think they have
special verbs for them.

You know, this is
without a doubt,

the most inane
and absurd conversation

I've ever heard.

Alex, what are you doing here?

What am I do... well,
I'm not "doing" anything,

so I guess I'll need
one of those special verbs.

Like you use for dead people.

(stifled laughter)

Did Nick graduate?

Yes, Andy, Nick did graduate...

(mumbles)

What was that, honey?

With Alex's help.

That's right.

And it was
no easy feat either, pal.

Oh, come on, Alex, don't
underestimate your sister.

She's helped quite a few people.

Remember when she was
our little, uh, Ann Landers?

I better get started.

Look at all these letters
I have already.

- Oh...
- Oh, hey.

You can't actually look, Dad.

They're confidential.

Oh, let me look.

Well, I guess you're
family and all, so...

"Dear Mallory,
I need your advice.

"My partner doesn't satisfy me
sexually,

and I was wondering..."

Oh, Dad! My advice is that
you don't read that.

Very wise, Dear Mallory.

Alex, Alex, guess what.

I'm Dear Mallory.

Yeah, and I'm adorable Alex.

Ha-ha.

No, you don't understand.

I'm taking over
the personal advice column

for the Columbus
Shopper's Guide.

The column is called
"Dear Mallory."

No, wait, wait, wait...
Columbus Shopper's Guide.

Isn't that that freebie
giveaway thing they have

at the checkout counter
at the supermarkets,

the one with all
the coupons in it?

That's right.

What are you so excited
about, Mal?

You're gonna, you're gonna be
giving advice to-to lowlife

bargain hunters who can't
afford to buy a real paper.

But, Alex, they're not lowlife
bargain hunters.

They're people, real people
coming to me for advice.

Mallory, if these people are
willing to shell out a quarter,

they could turn to Dear Abby.

I can help him.

That was a great job.

People came to me for help,

and I didn't help them one bit,
but I had fun.

I guess that's all that counts.

Oh, come on, Dad,
you-you've messed up

on helping people
plenty of times.

Like who?

Like me, whenever you helped me

with my homework.

I remember a certain philosophy
paper that I was doing...

(Steven groans)

I don't know, Dad,
I have to disagree with you.

Kierkegaard felt
that all knowledge

must be self-knowledge.

I think you're wrong, Jen.

He was also concerned

with the larger societal
problems.

Dad, you're missing the point
completely.

Oh, am I?

Kierkegaard believed that
examining man's existence

within a larger framework
of a societal,

historical dialectic
was the avoidance

of subjective knowledge
so essential to comprehending

any type of spiritual truth.

Jennifer, go to your room.

Jennifer, go to your room.

Now, come on,
don't be so hard on your dad.

He's done a lot around here.

Remember when he re-wallpapered
the kitchen?

All by himself, too.

Elyse, Mal,
Jennifer, Andrew, everybody!

Could you come out
for a minute?!

There's something I'd like
to show you!

What, honey?

Oh... (hums fanfare)

Oh, Steven, it's magnificent!

I never really liked this
wallpaper, but you made it work.

This is pretty nice, Mr. K.

Maybe you can come over
to my house

and do my kitchen for me.

Well, I have to admit

I'm really good with my hands.
(groans)

Anyway, there's a certain
satisfaction a man gets,

a certain satisfaction
a man gets from a job well done.

I think I should do more
work around the house.

I don't think so, Dad.

Oh, that's...

that's... that's fine... no...

That's fine.

No problem.

I fully expected that to happen.

Whoa! Whoa!

- Whoa! Hey, hey...
- Oh!

Well, it was beautiful
while it lasted.

Your father's
obsessiveness is one of

his most charming traits.

Well, thank you, dear,
but I think I've seen you

go off the deep end a few times.

Oh, you have?

Yeah, come on, Mom,
he's got you there.

Does the phrase "snake eyes"
mean anything to you?

All right, all right, all right,

don't get into your pet names
for each other.

You know, Andy,
there was one time

when your mother became
a complete compulsive.

Mom, I bet you were

the prettiest compulsive
on the block.

Thank you, honey.

Your mother became
a real riverboat gambler.

All she was missing
was the riverboat.

You see, we-we all went
to Atlantic City,

where your mother was to deliver
a lecture at a convention.

Instead, she fell in love
with blackjack.

Who's he?

It's a card game, honey.

Blackjack's a card game.

Like "Go Fish"?

A little, but when was
the last time

someone made $ ,
playing "Go Fish"?

Mom, I'm hungry.

Oh, can I get some ice cream?

Oh, in a few minutes, honey.

Your dad and I are gonna play
a couple hands of blackjack

and then we'll go have a snack.

Hey, hey, Mom, Mom, look,
what are you doing?

Every second you delay means
interest lost

on the money we're gonna win.

Oh, there's Tom Jones!
There's Tom Jones!

He's coming this way!
Here he comes!

Good call, Mal.

It looked like him
from a distance, Alex.

You want to give it a try?

Well, we might as well
get it over with.

You guys stay behind
the rope here

and don't get in any trouble.

I'm sorry, but only people
over in here.

Oh, I'll sit back here.
(chuckles)

DEALER:
Your last .

What do you think
I should do, Elyse?

Oh, don't ask me, Steven; I can
only think about my speech.

- Stick.
- Hmm?

Didn't you read the cards
that Alex gave you?

Since the deck is rich in tens,
you've got to stick,

figuring the dealer's four
will bust him.

You heard her... stick.

, a bust.

- Oh, whoo!
- We won!

Come on, let's cash in
those chips.

Oh, come on, Elyse.

Why don't you just play
one game?

- Well, all right.
- Come on.

Guess it'd be silly to come
all the way to Atlantic City

and not play one hand
of blackjack.

Hey, Mom, how's it going?

Remember, if the dealer has
a four, five or six showing,

you want to stick on .
If he's got a three...

BOTH: Hit the ,
seven or above, hit the .

It's great to see
a mother and son

enjoying a common interest.

Okay, see, the dealer has
a picture...

BOTH:
...hit.

Stick.

for the dealer.

- Whoo!
- Yay! We win!

I got to get in on this.

Hi, how you doing?

I'm Big Al from Vegas.

Vinny says hello.

Excuse me, son, didn't I tell
you you weren't allowed in here?

Who, Me? No, you've
never seen me before.

I'm just here with my wife
and my brother-in-law...

Nice try, kid.

See you later, hon.

Blackjack! Whoo!

On that note,
let's call it a day.

Come on, honey,
let's hit the boardwalk.

Can it, Steven.

We're not going anywhere.

Hit me over here. Stick.

Hit me over, but be gentle.

Ooh, soft .

Hit me again.

Ooh, stick.

Hit me over here on the end.

- Stick. Thanks, Eddie.
- My pleasure, Elyse.

The lady wins on all three.

- (onlookers cheer and applaud)
- Whoo!

Way to go, Mom. Hang in there.

How ya doing? Nice to see ya.

You have won quite a bit
of money, Elyse.

Why don't we just cash in now?

Oh, Steven, everything is
under control, baby.

One more hour,
and we are in fat city.

Okay, now, Eddie,
I'm doubling my bets.

Be nice to me.

Mom, can I go backstage

and hang around Tom Jones's
dressing room?

Sure, honey.

Say hi to Tom for me.

Mom, I'm really getting hungry.

Here's ten dollars.

Get yourself some ice cream.

Mom, I saw this girl
in the lobby...

I think I have enough stuff.

Oh, don't be silly, Andy.

The night is young and Keaton
memories have just begun.

You know what, Andy?
I think it's time

that I pass down to you one
of my favorite collections.

Baseball cards?

They're better
than baseball cards:

The Alex Keaton report cards.

Nursery school through college.

You can keep 'em,
you can collect 'em,

you can trade 'em
with your friends.

Thanks, Alex. I'll treasure 'em.

You really know how

to give that something special,
don't you, Alex?

Why would you want to save
your report cards?

Because they're gems.

I mean, every year, all A's.

Unlike you, Mallory,
who spiced up her academic life

by getting a Q in math.

Mal, I think it's great
your brother shows

such an interest in academics.

After all,
the first day of school

is Alex's favorite
day of the year.

Jen, I'm telling you, you're
gonna do great in high school.

Yeah, Jen,
what are you worried about?

This is Harding High.
This is my alma mater.

I'm a legend there.
Let me see your schedule.

Little kids.

Okay, first period you got
Mr. Gibson for English.

No problem.

He loved me.

Wrote me a recommendation
for college.

Second period, Mrs. Hentoff
for math.

She wrote me two recommendations
for college.

Third period, Mr. Kaufman
for science.

He drove me to college.

Andy, Andy,
let's get to work, buddy.

You got a lot of ground
to cover here.

First day of kindergarten,

you want to get off
to a good start, right?

- I'm ready, Alex.
- You know, the first thing

your teacher's gonna ask is
what you did over the summer.

Now, a lot of kids are gonna
say, "I went to the zoo"

or "I went to the beach,"

or "I went to a baseball game."
What are you gonna say?

I watched
the Iran-Contra hearings.

And?

President Reagan
doesn't know anything.

Doesn't know anything
about the scandal, okay?

You don't want to be quoted
out of context.

See, the great thing
about Andy is,

whenever I'm talking,
the kid is mesmerized.

He expresses it in a funny way.

- Andy?
- Hmm?

Come on. Time for bed, sweetie.

- I'll take him up, Mom.
- Come on, Andy.

I better stay
to oversee the time capsule.

It's okay, Andy.

We'll work on it for you.

That's what I'm afraid of.

So now what?

Oh, I don't know, maybe... mm!

...this.

That's great, Merlin.

Or perhaps...

this.

Please, Dad, no magic tricks.

You know what happened
the last time.

Okay, Alex, pick a card!

Any card.

Oh, Jennifer, Jennifer,
just the person I want to see.

Get in this box.

What is this, Daddy Dearest?

Come on...

Steven, we're not gonna
put our daughter in a magic box.

Well, okay, Elyse,
then you-you help me.

Oh, Jen, get in.
That's all right.

When I next open this box,

my daughter Jennifer
will be gone.

Come one, come all
from far and near,

you have seen my daughter dear.

I will make her disappear.

(hums a fanfare)

Well, that's-that's very good.

Now-Now bring her back.

Okay.

She's gone, she's gone,
alack, alack,

I will bring my daughter back.

(hums a fanfare)

Okay, okay... Jennifer?

Jennifer, the trick worked.

You, uh, come out now.

(chuckles)
It's nothing.

She's really gone.

Can you do that with Mallory?

Wha-What's going on here?
Where is Jennifer?

I don't know.

ALEX:
That was just the beginning.

Soon, Dad was completely
out of control.

Poodle!

Thanks!
My very own poodle.

(Steven chuckles)

What'll it be, Alex...
a mouse, peacock?

Giraffe?

- Dad?
- Hmm?

This has got to stop.

What do you mean?

Dad...

Dad, you're a well-educated guy.

And-and-and most of the time,
you're pretty normal, but...

Dad, you got to face it,
you have a problem.

Alex, it's just a hobby.

No, no, Dad, Dad, Dad...

it's an obsession;
it's a compulsion.

You have a compulsion for...
say it with me...

you have a compulsion for...

BOTH:
...birthday party tricks.

That's... that's right, Dad.

And it's gotta stop.

The party is over.

You're right, Alex.

I need help.

Andy, what are you doing
out of bed?

I can't sleep.

The clothes on my chair
look like a monster.

This, uh, this wouldn't by
any chance be a ploy

to get one of us to read you
a bedtime story, would it?

No, but the monster's requesting
anything but Dr. Seuss.

I'll, uh, I'll go.

I speak monster.

(doorbell rings)

I'll get it.

- Hey!
- Hi.

Things were going so well
there for a moment.

Hey, Mal...
Mal, Mal, Mal, Mal...

uh, don't you remember?
We had a date tonight.

I got two tickets for the
postmodern art exhibition

and pie-eating contest.

Sounds like
quite a full evening.

I'm sorry, honey,
I just got caught up

in this Keaton family
time capsule

that Andy's making for school.

Oh, sounds like fun.

Can I play?

Sure, Nick.

Get in.

And, uh, we'll let you out when
Mallory comes to her senses.

Honey, honey, don't get in.

Okay, forget it... I'll just make
my own family time capsule.

I mean, that is if I did
have a family.

Come on, Nick,
what about your dad?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I sort of forgot about him.

I mean, we didn't get together
until recently,

and that was really weird.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey!

Hey...

My God, Elyse,
they're speaking Nickanese.

Look at you.

You look great!

Yeah, you look great, too.

Yeah.

I don't see what the problem is.

They seem to agree on
everything.

Hey-ey-ey...

- Hey.
- Hey.

I think they're summing up now.

Nick, no matter what happens,

you'll always feel like
part of this family.

Stop, Elyse,
I'm going to have nightmares.

Do you remember when Nick
almost became

a member of our family?

When was that?

Oh, honey, don't you remember
when we almost got married?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
that was beautiful.

We're gathered here today
to join you, Erin,

and you, Michael, in marriage,

which is an honorable
institution.

It is the foundation of the home

as the home is the foundation
of society.

Oh, sounds serious.

The desire to join together
in love with another human being

is both noble and courageous.

Nick, why are you getting
married?

Because you asked me.

No, I mean, if I hadn't asked
you, would you be here?

By myself?

Would you have asked me?

Ah... I'm not sure.

You know,
I'm not sure we're ready.

Then why did you say yes?

You know, you're so much smarter
about these things than me.

I mean, you know, I figured
since you thought we were ready,

we must be ready
and I just didn't notice.

Nick, why doesn't it feel right?
We love each other.

I don't know.

Feels like
we're breaking the law.

Yeah, yeah, like our wedding
picture's gonna go up

on a post office wall.

Yeah, like you say,
we're starting

with a couple of strikes
against us:

I mean,
your parents aren't here,

our friends aren't here,

this guy doesn't know "Lola..."

Maybe my parents are right.

Maybe we're going too fast.

Maybe we could slow down
a little.

I mean, we don't have to get
married if we don't want to.

No, nobody can force us.

Okay.

Oh, Nick, I love you.

Let's not get married.

Mallory, you and Nick
are so romantic.

You know, I've often caught
you guys looking

into each other's eyes
with long meaningful stares.

Oh, no, Jennifer,
those are blinking contests.

Hey, Jen, if you're looking
for romantic role models,

don't go looking at He-Man
and She-Ra over here.

And you happen to have the most
romantic person in the world

living right here under
this roof.

Why, thank you, son.

No, Steven, he meant me.

I beg to differ, darling...
he meant me.

No, I'm the most romantic.

Don't make me bust your chops.

I was talking about me.

I mean, I, uh, I have something
of a way about me.

You may not realize this,

but women think of me
as something of a Don Juan.

More like a Don Knotts.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Remember when I first started
seeing Ellen?

And I drove all night?

I mean, I drove miles
just to see her,

to tell her how I felt?

Alex?

Hey... Ellen!

What are you doing here?

I, uh...

I, uh...
You forgot your Newsweek.

I-I-I figured you might
want that, so I swung by here.

It was no big deal, really.

It was seven hours.

There's a good article
on the omelet craze.

I read someone else's copy
on the train.

I can't tell you how sorry
I am to hear that.

Uh, Ellen, listen...

to be honest with you...

the magazine is not
the only reason I came.

Why else?

I don't know.

I, uh, I just had to come.

I mean, I was in-in...
in the car,

on my way
to the biggest night of my life,

and something made me
turn the car around.

I mean, I knew
I missed the dinner

and I'd be blowing any sh*t
I had

of returning this tux on time.

Something made me turn
the car around.

Ellen, uh, you and I are
completely different.

You're an artist.

You write poetry.

You attend anti-nuclear
demonstrations.

Me...

I'm an economics major.

I, uh... voted for Reagan.

I'm in
the Young Executives Club.

I-I wear a jacket and tie
everywhere I go.

Except for train stations
at : in the morning,

in which case, I wear a tuxedo.

Anyway, the point is, Ellen,

that I cannot,
for the life of me,

figure out why I love you.

You love me?

Yeah, I love you, okay?

I-I-I said it.

I mean, after all, Ellen,
if I'm gonna go this far,

I might as well go all the way.
I love you, all right?

I love you, I love you,
I love you.

I'm crazy about you, I'd give
anything to be with you,

I can't live without you, okay?

Gotta go. See ya.

I love you, too, Alex.

I mean, it's like you have a way

of seeing right through me.

I'm seeing a part of me
that I-I don't ev...

I don't even like
to admit exists.

And that scares me,
because if you see it,

that forces me...
What did you say?

I love you, too.

You do?

Alex, I've never met anybody
like you.

You come on like some pompous,
arrogant, obnoxious guy.

And underneath that,
there's this wide-eyed child,

completely innocent and naive.

Oh, is that...

sort of a compliment?

Yeah.

And just telling Ellen
that I loved her wasn't enough.

I started doing anything
I could to impress her.

Are you ready, Mikhail?

Da.

I'm ready.

What is it that you'll be
interpreting for us?

This, uh, particular piece is
an interpretation

of the Stock Market Crash
of .

What music will you be using
to accompany yourself?

Uh, just, uh,
just play anything.

Th-this dance goes
with everything.

Maestro.

(lively classical
piano music plays)

(music stops)

Mr. Keaton, is something wrong?

Uh, no, no.

Why do you ask?

Because you're not dancing.

You see, at this point
in the dance,

the economy is still good.

In, uh...

in a minute, the crash comes,

interest rates rise,
and the dance really takes off.

(music resumes)

♪ ♪

Alex, are you okay?

I'm fine.

For my next number...

You see,
I'm just that kind of guy,

and when I met Lauren,
it was the same thing.

I'd do anything to open up
and show my true self,

even if it meant lying.

Alex, this is just
a polygraph machine.

If someone displays
undue tension

or an increase in pulse
when answering a question,

the machine buzzes and I know
they're not telling the truth.

Does it really bother you?

Oh, no, absolutely not;
absolutely not.

Uh, I got nothing to hide.

(alarm buzzes)

Oh, good. It's working.

Well, first I'd like to ask you
a few questions

to see how well you'll fit in

with the rest
of the subject group.

Now politically,
would you describe yourself

as liberal, middle of the road,
or conservative?

Uh, well, I-I don't really like
political labels.

(alarm buzzes)

Conservative.

Thank you.

Okay, overachievers,

they tend
to meticulously plan out

every aspect of their lives,
from graduation to retirement.

Do you see yourself
as an obsessive planner?

What, me? No.

(alarm buzzes)

Well, I-I wouldn't say obsessive.

(alarm buzzes)

I'm a planning maniac.

Now, the typical overachiever

is so focused on classes
and career

that there's not much time left
for dating.

Would you say you have
a very active social life?

An active, active social life?

Yeah, are you actively dating?

(anxious sigh)

Well,

I go out on a couple
of dates a week.

Maybe more.

(alarm buzzes)

This particular week
was a little slow.

(alarm buzzes)

This particular year
was a little slow.

(alarm buzzes)

- (doorbell rings)
- Oh, I'll get it.

- Hey, Skipper.
- Hello, Mr. Keaton.

- Come on in.
- Hi, hi, everybody.

Andy told me
about his school project,

so I brought over
my first aid kit.

You're putting a first aid kit
in the time capsule?

Time capsule?!

I-I thought he said
a cold capsule.

Uh, so, what's up, guys?

Oh, we were just discussing

how Alex is so romantic
with his girlfriends.

Oh, well, did you discuss

how romantic he's been
with mine?

What's this?

I-I liked this girl named Jane,

and, uh,
imagine my shock and dismay

to discover
that she didn't like me.

Actually, that's to be expected,

but the fact that she liked Alex
took me by surprise.

I'm gonna go wash my hands,
okay?

Uh, you two get to know
each other a little better

- while I'm gone.
- Please don't leave me.

Uh, Skippy...

(groans)

We're very close.

Skippy,
I'll be right back, okay?

(no voice)

So how long have you known Alex?

(gibbering)

I can't remember.

Do you live next door
or across the street from Alex?

(gibbering)

Are you all right?

You're not having

some kind of att*ck, are you?

No!

Good.

I'm really glad we had
this opportunity to talk.

ALEX:
Great.

Hi, I hope I gave you two

enough time alone together.

I think so.

Excuse me.

Uh, I'm gonna go wash my hair.

Skippy, you mean your hands.

Right, I mean,

I'm gonna wash the hair
on my hands.

He's quite a guy, isn't he?

I'll say.

I missed you
while you were gone, Alex.

Uh, I was only gone
for two minutes, Jane.

I don't know what it is
about you, Alex,

but you bring
out the animal in me.

(Alex laughs weakly)

Hope I'm not being too forward.

I understand.

Hi, we're here to pick up
a pizza for Keaton, please.

Mallory, look.

Jennifer and Mallory,
what are you guys doing here?

Um, we...

Come on over
and say hello to Alex and Jane.

Uh, no, Skippy,
don't go over there.

- Why not?
- Um...

I'm sorry, Mallory,

but I'm spoken for.

Better be getting back
to my date.

- Uh, Skippy, don't...
- (Skippy screams)

Uh, uh...

I-I can explain this.

No, Alex,
don't bother explaining.

I-I think I can see
what's going on here.

I've got a great idea.

You know what we're
in perfect formation for.

A g*ng synchronized swim?

No, a sing-along.

Oh, Mom, if you go
into "If I Had a Hammer,"

I'm gonna lose it.

Oh, come on,
a sing-along will be fun.

After all,
we Keatons do it so well.

♪ This land is your land ♪

♪ This land is my land ♪

♪ From California ♪

♪ To the New York island ♪

♪ From the redwood forest ♪

♪ To the Gulf Stream waters ♪

♪ This land was made for you
and me. ♪

Everybody!

♪ I was walking ♪

♪ A ribbon of highway... ♪

♪ She'll be riding six
white horses when she comes ♪

♪ She'll be riding six white
horses when she comes ♪

♪ She'll be riding
six white horses ♪

♪ She'll be riding six
white horses ♪

♪ She'll be riding six
white horses when she comes... ♪

♪ It's quarter to : ♪

♪ There's no one in the place ♪

♪ Except for you and me... ♪

♪ Gray skies
are gonna clear up ♪

♪ Put on a happy face... ♪

♪ I'm a little teapot ♪

- ♪ Short and stout ♪
- Mom, get a hold on yourself.

♪ Here is the handle,
here is my spout ♪

♪ When I get all steamed up,
hear me shout ♪

♪ Tip me over and pour me out. ♪

♪ b*at it, b*at it, b*at it,
b*at it ♪

♪ No one likes
to be defeated, ow! ♪

♪ Show me what's funky,
show me what's right ♪

♪ It doesn't... ♪

I'd like to sing for you,
if I might,

uh, a song
that's very special to me,

a song that asks
the musical question...

♪ Where have
all the flowers gone? ♪

Thank you.

♪ Long time passing... ♪

Thank you very much.

♪ Where have
all the flowers gone? ♪

Join me.

♪ Long time ago... ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ Mallory ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ And you love me ♪

♪ I can't believe
that you proposed to me ♪

♪ Marry me ♪

♪ Marry me, Mallory. ♪

ALEX:
♪ Birds do it, bees do it ♪

♪ Even educated fleas do it ♪

♪ Let's do it ♪

♪ Let's fall in love. ♪

♪ I got you, babe,
I got you, babe ♪

♪ And when I'm sad ♪

♪ You're a clown ♪

♪ And when I get scared ♪

♪ You're always around... ♪

♪ So, let them say
your hair's too long ♪

♪ I don't care, with you, I... ♪

♪ Love is
a many splendored thing ♪

♪ It's the April rose ♪

♪ That only grows ♪

♪ In the early spring ♪

♪ Love is nature's way ♪

♪ Of giving a reason ♪

♪ To be living... ♪

Kiss me, Dad.

♪ Eddie, my lo-ove ♪

♪ I love you so-oh ♪

♪ Uh, oh-oh ♪

♪ How I've waited for you ♪

♪ Ooh-we-ooh ♪

♪ You'll never kno-ow ♪

♪ Please, Eddie ♪

♪ Don't make me wait ♪

♪ Too lo-o-ong. ♪

♪ Swing low ♪

♪ Sweet chariot... ♪

♪ Comin' for to carry me home ♪

♪ Swing low ♪

♪ Sweet chariot ♪

♪ Coming for ♪

♪ To carry me home. ♪

♪ There are places I remember ♪

♪ All my life ♪

♪ Some have changed ♪

♪ Some forever, not for better ♪

♪ Some have gone ♪

♪ And some remain ♪

♪ All these places have
their moments ♪

♪ In my life ♪

♪ I've loved you more. ♪



MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)