09x06 - Up from Down Under

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Facts of Life". Aired: August 24, 1979 - May 7, 1988.*
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Spin-off of Diff'rent Strokes; focuses on Edna as she becomes a housemother at the fictional Eastland School, an all-girls boarding school.
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09x06 - Up from Down Under

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ You take the good
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growin'
now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be livin' up
to your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're findin' out ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're learnin'
the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

[Doorbell rings]

[Doorbell rings]

Somebody's at the door.

You can't fool tootie.

Could be one of the neighbors.

It could be a burglar.

It's bad news. I can tell.

No one rings the bell
in the middle of the night

Unless someone's...
You know... d*ed.

[Doorbell rings]

Well, I'm not gonna stand around

Playing stupid guessing games.

Who is it?

Frannie. You see?
It's just frannie.

Who the hell is frannie?

Who cares? She's
a girl. I'll get it.

G'day, mate.

Sorry to lub on you like this.

Is mrs. Garrett here?

Mrs. Garrett? No.

She's not with us anymore.

Oh, my goodness!
She's cocked it?

Excuse me?

You know, headed
in her dinner plate.

Curled up her toes?

Are you asking if
she... You know... d*ed?

Mrs. Garrett is fine.

Now, who are you?

Me name's frannie newcombe.

I'm from australia.

I could tell you were
from out of town.

Well, frannie.

Come and sit down,

And we'll straighten this out.

Thanks, don't mind if I do.

You see, mrs. Garrett's
signed up with a program

To house exchange students...

Well, here I am.

Yes, you certainly are.

Mrs. Garrett is in africa.

I'm her sister,
beverly ann stickel,

And this is blair,
natalie, jo, tootie,

And this is my son andy.

How you doing? Great!

I'm from calanga,
eastland's sister school.

I'll be going to eastland.

Really? That's where we went.

You'll love it.

[Doorbell rings]

What is this, open house?

Who's there?

Max!

Max is me cab driver.

Hey, olivia newton-john!

Remember me?

Sorry, mate.

I tried to pay him.

But I didn't have
any american money.

And he won't take aussie.

I don't recognize any of
the people on the bills.

And the coins got
weird animals on them.

It's a primitive
country max. How much?

$179.

Did that include
dinner and a show?

Well, there's your
regular fare from kennedy,

Then there's your
return trip to new york.

I'll get my checkbook.

Well, I don't
usually take checks.

But you have an honest face.

Scary, but honest.

You're planning on
staying here a year

And you only
brought one suitcase?

Blair needs two
and a garment bag

To get to the next room.

I got heaps of stuff.

Why bring it? The
airline will only lose it.

I never lost any luggage.

Then again, I always
buy a seat for it.

Well, here you are.

And, uh... This is for you.

Wow, five bucks.

I'm not sure I want to
drive with this much cash.

Bye, max.

Thanks bev. I'll pay you back

As soon as I
exchange some money.

That'll be fine.

Only, where am I
going to drop my swag?

I guess you can drop
your swag here...

At least for the
night. Couldn't she?

Sure, she can stay on the couch.

Yeah, and then we'll try
to work something out.

Thanks loads.

Well, let me get you some...

What do you call
blankets in your country?

Blankets.

Why don't I just go
get the cab driver?

Nobody's sleeping
in the bathtub.

She's got nowhere else to go.

Oh, look! Excuse me,

For not being the perfect host,

But someone shows up at
the door with a weird story

And you invite her
to spend the night?

We spent eight years with you.

We like to live dangerously.

Good morning. Where's frannie?

Wasn't she upstairs with you?

No. Isn't she downstairs
here with you?

Nope.

The couch is all made up.

Maybe we dreamed her.

If we're gonna dream
about an australian

It'd be mel gibson.

She was here, all right.

I hardly got any sleep
on account of her.

How do my eyes look?

Can't tell with those
bags under them.

Good morning, everybody.

She's not here, andy.

Man, why didn't someone tell me?

I can't believe it. She's
got you guys snowed.

How do we know mrs.
G really signed up

For this exchange thing?

Edna might have
mentioned it to me,

Although, when I
took over the house,

She told me so many things.

Jo, why are you
being so suspicious

Over a little... Swag dropping?

You see? You don't even know

What she's saying
and you bought it.

Well, I think she's... Back.

Morning, hi.

Thought I'd go for a little walk

And take a squizz of america.

That may be legal
in your country.

But you can't do that here.

Well, frannie,

I think we'd better
give some thought

To where you're gonna stay.

My room.

I wish we could put you up here.

Although I'm not
really sure where.

My room.

Look I quite understand,

I've been a proper
blow-in, haven't i?

Hey, listen, you slept
on the couch last night

You can bunk there
till you find a real place.

My room.

Why do you keep saying that?

It's subliminal advertising.

It works great on television.

It works here, too.
Go to your room.

Look, I really
appreciate your kindness.

Hey, listen. I can drive
you to eastland today.

And show you around a little.

I prefer to walk tootie.

That way I can do a
bit of spunk spotting.

Nothing like
spotting a few spunks

To brighten up your day.

It means to size up the
good-looking boys...

Like andy.

You know,

I think this is going
to work out just fine.

Well, first day of school.

I'd better get going.

You know, I'm so
very proud of us.

Throwing open our door
to a poor, friendless soul

In her hour of need.

How much do you think
we ought to charge her?

You guys will fall for anything.

What do we really
know about this girl?

She could be anything.

She could be a runaway.

What about her accent?

Don't let those g'days fool you.

I see kids like her at
the center all the time,

Like this one who came
in with a texan drawl,

So we wouldn't find out
her parents lived in maine.

So what are you saying?

She's from maine?

All I'm saying is
there's just something

About that aussie
that's not kosher.

G'day. Is this eastland school?

This is frannie newcombe.

Yeah, the exchange student.

Thanks, only I'm
dreadfully sorry,

But I won't be able to
attend school for a few days.

[Coughing]

Yeah, I've got a bit
of a crook throat.

It's probably the
change in the climate.

[Coughing]

Oh, I will.

Bye-bye.

Good for you, beverly ann.

You a professional dancer?

Oh, no, no.

I just dabble at it.

Although but, now that you ask,

I might have been
another baryshnikov.

Except for one
shortcoming... Bunions.

Hey, frannie,

Did you take that
home ec course?

Uh, yeah, I did.

Good. You can do
the dishes tonight.

Hi.

Tootie, I'm glad you're here.

Would you take that leg
that's over on the desk

And return it to its owner.

Oh. Thank you.

You know, painting
is also a nice hobby.

Well, I better check
out some leads

On a place for you
to stay, frannie.

But don't tell andy.

His whining's
getting on my nerves.

So frannie, how do you like
our old alma mater, eastland?

Oh! It's unreal.

The teachers aren't half bad,

And the food's
great in the cafeteria.

Something tells me

You're not going to eastland.

Of course, I am. Cross my heart.

I'm just kidding.

I meant if you think
the food is great,

Then you've been
attending the wrong school.

Oh!

See you later. Bye.

See. I'll prove it to you.

Uh, say, frannie, I
was just wondering

If you could settle a
bet we have going here.

Who discovered australia?

Well, that's a
difficult question.

I thought so.

The earliest explorer
was willem jansen,

A dutch sea captain

Who landed on the west coast
of cape york peninsula in 1606.

But there were other blokes
cruising round there too...

Hartog, tasman...
Uh, never mind that.

Um, could you just,

Could you just name
the states of australia?

In alphabetical order,

New south wales, queensland,

South australia, tasmania,

Victoria, and western australia.

Lucky guess.

If you need to
settle any more bets,

I'll be in the kitchen.

Face it, jo.

She's so australian, she
probably has a pouch.

Oh, all right, so I was wrong.

Oh, what, you're not
going to say anything?

Why would I say anything?

I'm not that kind of person.

Yes, may I please
have the number

For ace skywriting?

What a morning!

You know, andy, if we
were in australia right now,

It'd be summer.

And we could veg
out down the beach.

Hmm, sounds like fun.

Oh, it is.

But we can have fun
here too, you know.

What do you say we wag it?

Wag it?

It's a mungle of a day
to be stuck in school.

Let's sneak off to new york.

You mean, you
want to play hooky?

Hooky?

We cut school.

What a great idea! I'd love it.

I know I put it in
here somewhere.

A box of plant fertilizer

Just doesn't get
up and walk away.

Maybe it does.

Well, will you look at this?

It's a letter from the
exchange program.

Edna did sign up for a student.

Look, I said I was wrong.

What more do you want me to do?

Tattoo it on my face?

I'm for anything
that'll cover it up.

By the way,

Where is little miss
shrimp-on-the-barbie?

Probably out squizzing around,

And doing a bit
of spunk spotting.

No offence, tootie, but,

I liked you better
when you were black.

You know, I think
frannie is quaint.

The other day she
comes up to me and asked,

"How come the little
coin is worth 10 cents,

And the big coin
is worth only 5?"

I didn't know we had coins.

She's so warm and so friendly.

In a lot of ways, she's
like a little puppy.

She's better. She's housebroken.

[Doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

She is kind of fun
to have around.

G'day, luv. Mrs. Garrett here?

Come quick! It's
crocodile dundee!

Hello.

Can we help you?

Well, I hope so.

Is this where pippa
mckenna is staying?

Who?

Oh right, you'd
know her as frannie,

But you see, her
real name's pippa.

And she's come in the raw prawn.

Look, my name's kevin mckenna,

And the girl you
probably know as frannie

Is really me daughter pippa.

She's a bit of a
boomerang bender.

I know you're trying
to tell us something,

But we have no idea what it is.

You see, she's here
under false pretenses, luv.

You mean, she isn't
an exchange student?

Sorry, no. She's a runaway.

Well... Who would have guessed?

Anyway, so I dropped into
pippa's school back home,

But she done a dingo act on me.

Flat disappeared.

Tell me about it.

My ex-husband could dingo

With the best of them.

You see, frannie
newcombe's her best friend,

And she's the one who's
supposed to come here

On the student exchange program.

But she pulled out
at the last minute.

And pippa took her place.

Right, tell you what,

She's a bit of an
illy-whacker, that girl is.

No, wait. I understand.

Sometimes I think I might want
to be someone else myself.

But then I ask myself... Why?

You see, she always had
this yen to see america.

She came to peekskill?

I guess it's because her mum

Was born in the states.

She d*ed when pippa
was just a little one.

Mr. Mckenna... Kevin.

Beverly ann.

You were about to
ask me something.

I was?

Oh! Yes, I was!

How come you traveled
all the way here

To get your daughter?

Couldn't you have just called?

Of course not!

Pippa would have
just dingoed again,

Or illy-whacked or something.

You're right there, luv.

She's always pulling
stunts like this.

Like the time she snuck into
mel gibson's dressing room.

How? How?

[Telephone rings]

You'll have to ask pippa.

Hello.

Yes. Andy's fine. Why?

Uh-huh.

Oh, I see.

Well, thank you for calling.

Well, that was andy's school.

It seems his sister
called them today

To say andy would be absent

Because he had a "crook throat."

Sounds like pippa spun them
a load of old codswallop.

Sure was a load of something.

All right, jeremy. Thanks.

Well, jeremy hasn't
seen him either.

What has your daughter
done with my andy?

Beverly ann, I'm
sure they're fine.

Don't go getting off your bike.

It's my bike. I'll get
off it if I want to.

My son's in the clutches
of that boomerang bender.

I'm gonna call the police.

Now, now luv.

No need to stir up the
boys in blue just yet.

What do you say, we
cool down over a nice beer

In the kitchen?

We're all out of beer.

How much of a head do
you want on your cocoa?

No luck.

All right, now let's
be logical about this.

You're 15 years old,

You're running around
loose with a cute boy,

And you think that
you're 8,000 miles away

From any parental authority.

Where would you go?

I think we can rule out the
museum of natural history.

[Doorbell rings]

Maybe beverly ann's right.

Maybe we should go
on and call the police.

No wonder they're
called new york's finest.

Are you guys alright?

Sure, we're fine.

These kids got
their pockets picked,

And they lost their
return train tickets.

So I gave them a lift back.

Wouldn't want them wandering
around the city at night.

Lots of muggers out there.

I think the muggers can
take care of themselves.

Well, I'll start back.

Officer, wait a minute.

It's such a long drive.

Can we offer you anything?

How about some cocoa?

Cocoa? That's why
I hate the suburbs.

So, you guys had
your money stolen.

Oh, it was terrible. This...

We spent it all.

Andy, why'd you play hooky?

Well, frannie said...

Never mind what frannie said.

Frannie's not
frannie. She's pippa.

Pippa?

I guess you fellas found me out.

When I heard
frannie wasn't going,

I saw my chance, so I took it.

I used her name to
prevent any kafuffle.

Yeah, well, you're in
plenty of kafuffle now.

I never wouldt have
done it in the first place,

If it hadn't been
for me poor old dad.

What about him?

He's on his deathbed.

Nooo.

Down to his last
few breaths, he is.

He has a rare
australian disease...

The drongoes.

And before he
cacks it, his one wish

Was that his only
daughter see america

And come back and
tell him all about it.

Well, why not tell
me all about it, now?

Dad! You've recovered!

It's a bloody miracle!

So the drongoes, that's
what your poor dad has.

Down under, a drongoe
is a nincompoop.

Enough of this chickory-pokery.

You spend tonight
at the hotel with me

And we head for
home in the morning.

But, dad... No!
Rattle your dags.

Can't I even... No!

I'm not letting you
out of my sight again.

Thanks, everybody.

It's been real nice knowing you.

[Doorbell rings]

Why do I have a
sense of deja pippa?

Hang on, I don't
think it's pippa.

She couldn't get
away from her father

In a million years.

Who is it?

Pippa!

Funny how time flies.

Don't you ever sleep?

Sorry. I feel I owe
you all an explanation.

This explanation of yours...

Are we going to have
to put on our hip boots?

This time, fair dinkum.

I wouldn't lub on
you at this hour

Just to give you the
rough end of the pineapple.

That clears it right up for me.

Since we're not
sleeping at night,

Can we sit down?

You see, my dad's
always traveling,

And with no sisters
and brothers,

It gets real lonely sometimes.

So I need to do something
wild to rev myself up.

Sometimes I like to
live on the edge, too.

Just last week...

I took a bus.

Anyway, I'm sorry if I
mucked things up for youse.

I'll make it up to you if
ever you come down under.

[Doorbell rings]

Did you take another cab here?

You must be here
to see beverly ann.

Beverly ann!

Oh, kevin, come on in.

Oh, hi, dad.

Are you off your keduba, girl?

Haven't you've disturbed
these good people enough?

I just wanted to say good-bye.

Well, you've said it.

Now, come on, we'll be off.

I've got the bags in the car.

We're going straight
to the airport.

I'm not taking any
more chances with you.

I'm ready.

Kevin, it may not be my
place to say this, but,

I think I know the real
reason pippa came here.

Because she wanted to
have a wing-ding in america.

No.

I think she took frannie's place

Because she was missing
a sense of a real family.

That the truth, pippa?

I don't want to hurt
your feelings dad,

But it's nice to have
other people around.

You see, I can't
help being away.

I have to take it to the
mallet to make moolah.

Then you ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

He means he has to go into
the outback to make money.

He's a mineralogist,

And a bonzer one at that.

You see, it's just that
pippa's been lonely,

And when you're lonely,

You do things to make
others take notice of you.

I know I don't get to
spend a lot of time with you,

Sweetheart, but...

I don't know what more I can do

To make things better for you.

I wish I could.

It's alright dad. You
do the best you can.

You could let her stay with us.

Oh, yeah.

You see, I used to
be just like pippa,

Only I didn't dress like her.

But I didn't have a real family

Until I came here.

I don't know about this.

Look, mr. Mckenna,
if pippa were frannie,

Then she was supposed
to stay with us.

And even though she's
pippa and not frannie,

We like her as pippa.

Because we never met frannie.

But I'm sure
frannie's very nice,

But not as nice as pippa.

Maybe... Maybe this would help.

I just spoke with
my sister in africa.

And she said to
me, "beverly ann..."

She still calls me that
after all these years...

"Beverly ann, I signed up
for an exchange student,

And I'd be eternally grateful

If all of you would
follow through

And take care of her for me."

That's quite a sister
you've got there, luv.

But you sure
you've got the room?

Sure. Pretty soon we'll
all be getting married

And leaving the house.

Pippa and jo can have
it all to themselves.

Jo, you've been very
quiet through all this.

What do you reckon?

Well, would you
be willing to take

Blair in exchange?

What do you say, dad?
Can I have a cr*ck at it?

Well, how can I refuse?

I'll miss you.

But I know you'll be happy.

Come on, blair.

Hear that andy,

Tomorrow we can take
another bite of the big apple.

Tomorrow my girl,
you'll go to school.

I'll speak to the
people at eastland

And have you enrolled properly..

Whatever you say, dad.

Ohh. Why don't I trust
this little copper?

Come on, then. Let's push off.

Thanks a lot, fellas.

Looks like I found a new family.

Bye, everybody. Good night.

When did you talk to mrs. G?

First thing tomorrow morning.

Now let's rattle our
dags and get to bed.

[Music]

[Music fades out]
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