09x24 - The Beginning of the Beginning

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Facts of Life". Aired: August 24, 1979 - May 7, 1988.*
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Spin-off of Diff'rent Strokes; focuses on Edna as she becomes a housemother at the fictional Eastland School, an all-girls boarding school.
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09x24 - The Beginning of the Beginning

Post by bunniefuu »

Our old school is closing.

Grisbee, when's the airhead
who bought the school...

Going to turn up?

The way I see it,

We either open
eastland's doors to boys

Or we close them forever.

Okay, ms. Warner,
it's your decision,

But you better be right.

What are you writing?

A letter home asking them

To spring me from this place

Excuse me, I hate to interrupt

This meeting of the doofus club.

But, I just heard that some boys

From havenhurst are
gonna be transferring here.

Eastland! We are here!

Hey, where are the girls?

You said there would be girls.

Trust me, man, trust me.

They are here somewhere.

Hey, miss warner!

Hi. Adam.

Hi, I'm beldon glover.

I got some posters to put up.

Where are the rooms?

Upstairs. Let's go!

I think congratulations
are in order.

Thank you.

You've been headmaster
exactly 30 seconds,

And you've just
instructed the boys

To sleep in the same
rooms as the girls.

♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growin'
now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be livin' up
to your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're findin' out ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're learnin'
the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

All right, everybody,
sit down, sit down.

The reason I called this meeting

Is because we need to discuss

Your sleeping arrangements.

I'd like to sleep with jennifer.

Dream on, pencilneck.

Come on, now. Hold it, listen.

Now, I made a slight mistake

In sending you boys
upstairs with the girls.

A slight mistake? Please,
you're being much too modest.

That's very
helpful, mr. Mitchell.

From now on, the girls will be

On the east side,

And boys will be on the west.

And you will use
separate staircases.

To get to your rooms.

All: ohh.

How come?

It's against the laws of
nature to separate us.

Yes, but it's against
the laws of new york

To put you together.

That was good.

Oh, and for your information,

I've decided to be
the new headmistress.

Hey, that's great. Yeah!

Well, thanks, jennifer.

I'll take that as
quite a compliment.

Hey!

She just looks
like she'll be easy

To take advantage of.

Ms. Warner, when are we getting

A dorm supervisor?

You don't have one?

She enlisted in the marines.

She thought it would be easier.

Well, until I can
find a new one,

I guess, I'll be the
dorm supervisor.

Hey, that's great. Yeah!

You know, miss warner,
tonight's the night,

The dorm supervisor
buys us pizza.

And rents us movies.

And gives us money.

And tucks us in.

Just wait until you find out

What she does for me.

Well, I hate to
disappoint you children,

But I'm not falling
for any of this.

All right, all right, all right.

Whoa!

Show a little respect.

Miss warner's an adult.

Thank you.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I have to call home

And tell them I'll
be sleeping over.

Can I get you a soda?

No.

Can I get you some cookies?

No.

Can I get you some cpr?

Give me a break, would you?

Hey, what's her problem?

Terry? I don't know,

But whatever it is,
it's gotten worse.

Hey, jen, you're in luck.

I'll be handing out a schedule

Of when I take my showers

In case you want
to see the real adam.

As long as it's
not while I'm eating.

Adam, could I talk
to you for a moment?

Sure, what's up?

Oh, I'm just a little concerned

About how stimulated you are.

I'm at a confusing age.

It's like, I still like watching

Snow white and the seven dwarfs,

But now I want snow
white to be naked.

Well, as long as it doesn't
carry over to the dwarfs,

We won't worry about it.

Now listen, everybody.

I think if we all
work together...

Ooh, sorry, adam... That's okay.

With a happy attitude

And a willingness to co-operate.

We can make this
the kind of experience

At eastland, that we all want...

The kind of experience

That will make you
all leave the room.

Terry, I appreciate
your staying.

My leg fell asleep.

Terry, I could be
way off on this,

But are you unhappy
about something?

I'm fine. Can't you tell?

You seem a little down.

I told you. It's nothing.

I'm very, very happy.

But thanks for asking.

Good afternoon, mrs. Grisbee.

I'm not here.

It's my afternoon off.

Then what are you doing here?

Making my long-distance
phone calls.

We'll talk later.

Why didn't you tell me
mr. Mitchell was in my office?

I'm not here.

Hi.

What are you doing at my desk?

Well, I could tell you,

I just wanted to try your chair,

But the truth is, I
did it to annoy you.

Oh, you don't have to sit
in my chair to annoy me.

You got a minute?
It's important.

What is it?

I need to talk to you
about terry rankin.

You mean the very,
very happy, terry?

I'm flunking her in biology.

She got fs in her last two exams

She didn't even
know the difference

Between a hominid
and an arachnid.

You're kidding.

I don't understand
it. She's a bright girl.

So, I gave her a
chance to make it up

By handing in a special
science project.

Would you like to see it?

You don't have to go
to all that trouble.

A leaf?

Yes, and she worked
very hard on this.

She even labeled it.

Look, it says, "leaf."

Mr. Mitchell...

Why are you telling me all this?

Because if terry flunks
her science requirement

You need to boot
her out of school.

Well, that seems extreme.

What else can we do?

Well, we could
try talking to her.

Yeah, you could
try talking to her.

And we're all out
of grapefruit juice.

Mrs. Grisbee,
we're trying to have

A conversation about terry.

I know, great girl.

We went bowling the
week she stayed here

During spring vacation.

Wait a minute, she
didn't go home, why?

I don't know, but
then again, I'm not here.

Well, there you are.

What kind of kid
would skip going home

In order to see grisbee

In a bowling shirt
and stretch pants?

Something else is
going on with terry.

You know, I agree with you,

But I've already given
her every chance.

Look, have you ever
been an adolescent girl?

Just once, but it
was for a party.

Well, I have, and I know

The kind of mixed-up feelings

A girl is going
through at this age.

I think terry's worth
another chance.

Give her a make-up test.

What if she flunks that?

Then... I don't know.

Warner, you seem to have
a problem setting limits.

Yeah, I guess I do.

Well, in that case, I'm looking
forward to our first date.

Hey, terry, I heard

You might get
kicked out, I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, that's life.

We're not gonna let
them get away with this.

We'll protest,

Like they did in the sixties.

We'll have a sit-in
or a hunger strike.

Would you set yourself on fire?

Have fun at your new school.

Who's that?

Name's steve, he's a junior,

Plays soccer, almost shaves.

Gee, you know everything
but the size of his shorts.

28.

Well, how are we gonna
get him to notice us?

He'll never notice me

Unless the boob fairy
pays a surprise visit.

You guys are all
a bunch of wimps.

Just sit back and watch
a woman go to work.

Hi, my name's ashley.

I like the way you look

And I like your style.

You wanna have a
study date later?

Yeah, sure. Why not?

Great. 8:00. And, uh...

Don't bother
bringing your books.

Oh, yes.

Ashley, you're amazing.

I can't believe that
you just went up to him

And asked him out.

Nothing to it.

Tomorrow we'll get together.

Then, I'll fill in the
details on steve

You'd never be able to get.

Will it be "bring
your own shovel"?

All right,

Dinnertime, everybody,
over to the cafeteria.

Tonight's menu is noodles

And the meat you
didn't eat last night.

I got it covered, miss warner.

I'm having some shrimp
marinara sent over.

It'll be $10 a plate.

What?

I'm not making a penny on it.

Terry, I've got good news.

Mr. Mitchell is gonna give you

A retest tomorrow.

What for, I already
brought in my leaf.

And it was a great
leaf, a super leaf.

But just for the heck of it,

Why don't you try
studying tonight?

I will.

Promise?

I promise.

Good.

Hey, now you'll be able to stay,

That's great.

Yeah, perfect.

Come on, have another cookie.

Thanks, anyway,
but I'm not a big fan

Of your grandmother's
potato cookies.

You know, it was so weird

Growing up with grandparents.

I was the only one
who brushed her teeth

While they were
still in her mouth.

Sara: hi, terry.

Hi.

Why all dressed up?

She's hoping to meet
someone in her dreams.

I'm going out tonight.

You're not going to study for

Mr. Mitchell's make-up test?

No, I'm gonna pay a little visit

To that bar up the road.

The chug-a-lug?

You got it.

But terry, if they
catch you there,

You'll be thrown out
of eastland for sure.

If you wanna have some fun,

You gotta take some chances.

See you.

Adam, what are
you doing in here?

Junior fire marshal.

Just checking all the rooms

To make sure they're up to code.

Are these flame-retardant?

Gee, I don't know,

Why don't you jump into
a bonfire and find out?

You know, sara, I
always wanted to see

What the chug-a-lug was like.

You're going, too?

Hey, if terry
can do it, so can i.

Are you in?

Oh, no, I couldn't
go out after hours.

Sure, sara.

You stay here, eat
your potato cookies.

Now, I think you only live once,

But maybe you'll get lucky.

I'm going, too.

I'll get changed.

Adam.

Oh, it's okay.

I'm pre-med.

Thank you so much for walking me

Back from my office.

It was only three minutes,

Yet, somehow, you
made it seem like an hour.

My pleasure.

Hey, wait for me!

Uh-oh. Freeze.

I don't know a thing.

Adam, what's going on?

Look, I'm no stoolie.

You could t*rture
my sister in front of me.

You still wouldn't
get me to talk.

You really feel that
strongly about this?

Not really.

I just can't stand my sister.

You know, a
refrigerator in my room

Might loosen my tongue.

So might a tour of the kitchen

So you could see
what you've been eating.

Terry went to the chug-a-lug,

And sara and
ashley followed her.

Good night.

Studying for a
science test in a bar.

I'd have picked a
library. But it is a choice.

I'm going after them.

All right, I'll go with you.

Why? Because I'm a woman?

Because I blew it once before?

Because I'm not capable
of handling this by myself?

Yes, yes, and yes.

Look, I know, I may
have gotten off

To a bad start, but
the semester isn't over

Till the fat lady sings.

Goodbye.

Hey, warner.

Mind bringing me back a burger?

Be right with you, hon.

Don't hurry.

Hiya, smiley.

Now, what's a nice girl like you

Doing in a place like this?

Well, you see, it's like this...

The smoke makes my
chicken pox itch less.

Wow.

So this is a real saloon.

Yeah, pecos bill will
be riding in on silver

Any minute now.

There she is.

Hi.

What are you guys doing here?

You're not supposed
to be here, go home.

Okay. Sit down.

You want a pitcher?

Yeah, sure, but
wait till I fix my hair.

How old are you girls?

43.

Let me guess, eastland girls?

I'll bring you some root beer,

And then you got to go.

Who are you winking at?

Nobody, I think I
put too much glue

On my false eyelashes.

You know, that's a
good look for you.

Now what, you going to sleep?

This one's sticking, too.

Help me out, will you.

Here, put these on.

This woman's going to cruise.

Hi, my name is ashley.

I like the way you look,

And I like your style.

Whoa, I like yours, too.

What do you say we
go back to my place?

I can't.

I got p.e. In the morning.

He was way too tall.

Guys, what do you say
we head back pretty soon,

You know, before we
get caught and hanged?

Well, you can leave
if you're nervous.

I'm staying.

Yeah, let's come back
here next weekend.

How are we going to
get away with that?

You kidding?

With miss warner in charge?

I figure, we can
go to atlantic city,

Take in a few shows,

Marry a couple sailors.

She'd never even
know we were gone.

You have nothing
to be worried about.

Oh, I can think of something

For you to be worried about.

Do the words "deep doo-doo"

Mean anything to you?

Well, I think I have

All the research I'm gonna need

For my paper on
male-female dating rituals.

Stay put, ashley, let's
just get in the car.

And since you like
sailors so much,

I'll arrange for you
to be buried at sea.

Where's the door, I can't see.

Aren't you coming?

I'm thinking about it.

You know, terry, I'm the
most disappointed in you.

I went out on a limb to
convince mr. Mitchell

To give you that makeup test.

I'm not taking it.

Then I'll have no choice but
to expel you from school.

Well you do what you have to do.

Hold it, hon.

They haven't paid their tab.

All right.

Hey, beautiful, can
I buy you a drink?

Why, sure.

I'll have three root beers.

Terry.

Terry.

Ashley, put some makeup on.

You look terrible.

Oh, it's you.

Terry, I've been up
all night thinking,

And I finally realized

You have been messing
things up on purpose

To get kicked out of here.

That's crazy.

No, it all makes sense.

That's why you flunked the exam.

That's why you broke
rules last night.

That's why you handed in a leaf.

She handed in a leaf?

I had to build a steam turbine.

Ashley, go brush
your teeth for a while.

I brushed 'em last night.

Then go gargle.

I suppose if I said
I did that, too,

I'd be flossing.

Look, I just want to
go home, all right?

You wanna leave,
then leave, I'll help you.

Any girl that goes
to that much trouble

To get herself thrown out

Must really hate it here.

I don't hate it here.

Ha, ha, well, you sure
could have fooled me.

You wouldn't understand.

Well, try me, speak to me.

Tell me something.

Well, for one thing,

You just packed
ashley's clothes.

Now, tell me
something I don't know.

I don't have to
tell you anything.

You're right.

You don't.

My parents are
getting divorced, okay?

And that's why you
wanted to go home.

Yeah, I can't stay here

While I should be there
patching things up.

Look, terry.

I know a boy... Pierre le blanc,

Whose parents,

Though financially
secure and quite attractive,

Were on the verge of divorce.

Anyway, they sent him
away to private school.

Where?

Upstate... Nevada.

Now, when pierre left home,

He felt like he was
abandoning his family.

Because, they had
all these problems,

And here he was

Getting a chance
at a happy new life,

Complete with a candy
apple-red porsche

With tan leather interior.

Well anyway, after a while,

He realized he couldn't
fix their problems,

And it was his job
to make friends,

Get good grades, and be happy.

How could he be happy

Knowing things
were so bad at home?

Because he learned it was okay

To make things good for himself.

Even though some
of the people he loved

Were having a hard time.

I just really want
them to be happy, too.

Well, maybe if you're happy,

That'll help them.

You think maybe I could
still take that retest?

I think I might have some
influence with mr. Mitchell...

Though I may have to go out

And get him a burger.

Thanks for helping
me out... Pierre.

I got it! I got it!

Isn't that wonderful?

I'm so happy!

Aw, they make a nice couple,

Don't you think?

Hey, guys, guess what?

I got into the royal
academy of dramatic arts.

I sent them my application
for a summer fellowship,

And now I'm going to london!

Hello.

Hi, jo.

Who's this?

What do you mean, who's
this? How soon they forget.

Hey, nat, I knew it was you.

Hi, natalie!

So, how's... Where is
it that you went to?

Soho.

It is so great.

Yesterday, I met this man

Who's gonna make me into
a rich and famous writer.

Of course he was
wearing a venetian blind.

And had a cockatoo on his head.

Well, let me talk to her.

Hey, nat, guess what?

I got into the royal academy.

And I'm going to london,
and I miss you so much

But get off the phone
so I can call jeff, bye.

I'll get it.

Did anyone order chicken?

"To my darling jo...

Hi, honey, guess what,
I'm going to london

And you can meet me over there.

I'd like to talk some more,

But there's a big
chicken in my living room.

I'll call you later, bye.

"Since rick's been gone,
love's taken a lickin',

"So here's good news
from a very big chicken.

"Keep your eyes peeled,
don't dare to blink,

'Cause the rickster's
closer than you think."

This is so romantic
for an animal act.

Bawk! Bawk!

Closer than I think, huh?

All right, very funny rick,

Now, quit fooling around.

And get out of this thing.

Bawk!

Come on now, if you're
not gonna take it off,

I'm gonna take it off for you.

All right. Come on now.

Rick, if that's you,

This is your best stunt ever.

I have been gone a month

I come back, you're
undressing chickens.

Can't you ever arrive
like a normal human being?

And I thought things
were strange at the dorm.

I'll explain it
all to you later.

Thanks, fred, you're
a great tuba player

And a first-rate
piece of poultry.

Bawk! Bawk!

Jo, I bought you gifts
in every city I was in.

I'm gonna start with bangkok.

Uh, actually, maybe

We'll wait for later
on this evening for that,

But I did get something
from hong kong.

I want you to see
and I can't believe this.

Do you believe
that this little thing

Actually takes pictures?

So come on, gather around

And I'll take your
picture, come on.

Let me redo my makeup...
Oh, what the heck.

I'll stand next to jo,
and nobody will notice.

Okay... Smile!
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