08x15 - Arnold's Tangled Web

[bunniefuu]

(upbeat music)

♪ Now the world don't move ♪

♪ To the b*at of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for you ♪

♪ May not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born ♪

♪ He's a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two ♪

♪ They got nothing
but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got
different strokes ♪

♪ It takes ♪

♪ Different strokes ♪

♪ Different strokes
to move the world ♪

♪ Everybody's got a
special kinda story ♪

♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪

♪ It don't matter that you got ♪

♪ Not a lot ♪

♪ So what ♪

♪ They'll have theirs
and you'll have yours ♪

♪ And I'll have mine ♪

♪ And together we'll be fine ♪

♪ 'Cause it takes different
strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Yes it does ♪

♪ It takes ♪

♪ Different strokes
to move the world. ♪

- Two Bs, two Cs, and a C+.

Not bad, Charlie.

- I was lucky.

Ms. Lumbergee
gave me C in French

and it took me
three weeks to learn

how to pronounce her name right.

(audience laughing)

- Hi Arnold.
- Hi Arnold.

- Yeah.

(sigh)

- Something wrong
with your report card?

- Yeah, nothing you couldn't
fix with a paper shredder.

(audience laughing)

- B, B+, C+, B.

Hey and that last
B looks like an F.

- That is an F.

Arnold flunked geometry.

(audience laughing)

- A little louder.

The crew in the
kitchen didn't hear that.

(audience laughing)

- Relax, it's only
a midterm grade.

You'll be able to
pass the course.

- It's not like I
don't like to study,

I just don't get geometry.

Math used to be easy.

If the answer was
72, you answered 72.

Now it's isosceles this
and perpendicular that.

I miss 72.

(audience laughing)

- Yeah, 72 is my favorite answer

next to none of the above.

(audience laughing)

You've got bad
trouble now, Arnold.

I remember what my father
did when I brought home an F.

And I'm stupid.

(audience laughing)

- I feel awful.

My dad's really
gonna be disappointed.

- Arnold, not making the
chess team is disappointed,

an F will get ya k*lled.

(audience laughing)

- No way.

My dad will be disappointed but,

he'll understand.

- Understand?

(audience laughing)

Arnold, remember
when you threw a spit ball

on Melissa Haley last year?

- Yeah, that was great.

She yawned and swallowed it.

(audience laughing)

- Yeah, great until your dad
grounded you for two weeks.

- This is different.

- I'll say, you can't
blame your report card

on a sudden gust of wind.

(audience laughing)

Face it Arnold, you
usually do pretty well.

Your father isn't
prepared for this.

- I wasn't prepared for it,

and I have absolutely
no interest in your life.

(audience laughing)

- How's it feel to be dead meat?

- Oh come on, give me a break.

One bad grade isn't
the end of the world.

- Of course not, Mr. Meat.

(audience laughing)

- Look, I'm not saying this'll
be the best night I ever had,

but there's nothing I can
do about it now anyway.

- There's always

Spider.

- Who?

- The Action Man.

- Spider the Action Man?

Sounds like a comic book.

- Shh.

(audience laughing)

You don't know about him
because you never needed him.

But believe me
he can do anything.

- Right.

And one of his specialties
is fixing report cards.

- Give him a few bucks,

and your F will
magically become a B.

- That's not magic,
that's forgery.

- That's a public service.

(audience laughing)

- Look, I don't
need a spider, okay.

I told you, my dad
will understand.

- Innocence is
wonderful and touching.

(audience laughing)

But your dad will only see that

for the first time you got
an F on your report card.

(sigh)

(door opens)

- Hello, Sam.

- Hi, Mr. D.

- Ooh, what have you got there?

- It's a model dinosaur.

My mama gave it to me.

- Visible brontosaurus, huh?

- Yeah, it's got 412
interlocking bones.

(audience laughing)

- It only sounds like 411 to me.

(audience laughing)

- Could you help
me put it together?

- Unfortunately, Sam,

I've never been very
good at that sorta thing.

I once had a model airplane kit.

That plane had a
better chance at flying

while it was still in the box.

(audience laughing)

- Come on, Mr. D.

It'll be fun.

And besides, it says
for ages nine and up.

I can be the nine, and
you can be the and up.

(audience laughing)

- Alright, Sam,

let's give it a sh*t.

Here's a vertebrae.

Okay, only 411
pieces left to go.

Hi, Arnold.

- Hi.

- Hi, Arnold,

Mr. D.'s gonna help me
put my model together.

- Uh oh, if dad helps,
don't expect it to fly.

(phone rings)

- Hello.

Oh, hello, Dave.

How's the Hastings Project?

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

That's Lou Jennings, isn't it?

That's the third time
that that's happened.

We gotta let him go.

I know, Dave, I like him too.

But let's face it,
the man has failed.

Well, look,

I brought him into the company,

I'll tell him myself.

Okay, see you tomorrow.

- Mr. D., you're actually
gonna fire someone?

- I'm afraid so, Sam.

It's not a pleasant thing to do,

but I have no choice.

- I don't think it's
fair to fire somebody

just because they
failed one subject.

- It's not a matter
of fairness, son.

What, what?

Failed one subject.

- I mean messed up one project.

- The project's not the
most important thing, Arnold.

We put faith in this
man, and he let us down.

Now if you don't take
strong and immediate action

when a man fails, it's a bad
influence on all the others.

Still, it never gets any easier
having to fire somebody.

- You're not gonna fire me if I

mess up the dinosaur, are you?

(audience laughing)

- Trust me, Sam,

I have never yet fired anybody
for messing up a dinosaur.

- How about for
flunking geometry?

- Tell us again how
understanding your father is.

- Oh cut it out.

This is is serious.

Where's Spider?

- Don't be so
nervous, he'll be here.

- Why do you call
him Spider anyway?

- Because his father's
using Cockroach.

(audience laughing)

- Are you Spider?

- You the kid with the
problem and the money?

- That's me.

- Then I'm Spider.

(audience laughing)

I'm not into touching.

(audience laughing)

What are you two?

You observers?

- We're his friends.

- I'm thrilled beyond words.

(audience laughing)

Are you sure you don't have
something important to do?

- Nope.
- Not me.

- Do you consider
breathing important?

(audience laughing)

- Let's go.

- So what do you need, kid?

I got phony IDs,
birth certificate,

Social Security
cards, I even got

special this month
on green cards.

- Do I look like I
need a green card?

(audience laughing)

- How do I know you're
not covering up an accent?

(audience laughing)

So, what do you need?

- I need a new report card.

I flunked geometry.

And if you can't do that,
I'll settle for a passport.

- Flunked geometry,

there seems to be a
lot of that going around.

May I see the
offending document?

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(sniffs)

- Oh come on.

You gonna fix it
or you gonna eat it?

(audience laughing)

- Big talk from a math dummy.

(audience laughing)

I was checking the
paper stock and the ink.

You got three options,

for $20 I forge your
father's signature.

For $40, I'll get a new
report card for him to sign

with the grades of your choice.

And for $75, I'll get
you a new report card

with the grades, I change 'em,

and then I change 'em back
again before you hand it in.

- I can't believe I'm getting
involved with an insect.

(audience laughing)

- A spider is not an insect.

It is an arachnid.

One more remark like that,

I change your
biology grade to an F.

(audience laughing)

So what'll it be?

- My dad's pretty preoccupied
with work these days,

so maybe he won't notice
if I didn't give it to him.

Do you think you could sign
his name so no one will know?

- Are you kidding, I could
copy this signature in the dark.

It's Diamond, right?

(audience laughing)

- Drummond.

- Just kidding.

(audience laughing)

(door opens)

- Hi, Arnold, how's school?

- Uh, uh, school was fine.

Fine, just fine.

What are you doing?

- Well, I'm just
trying to figure out

what the 10th through
the 14th breastbones

on this model are connected to.

- Oh, maybe I can help.

Let's see, the foot bone's
connected to the ankle bone.

The ankle bone's
connected to the leg bone.

♪ The leg bone's
connected to the thigh bone ♪

♪ The thigh bone's
connected to the hip bone ♪

♪ Now hear the
word of the Lord ♪

(laughing)

- Doesn't help.

Aha!

- What, what?

- I got it.

He he he he, boy this is fun.

- Hi, everybody.

- Hey, Sam.

- Hi, Sam.

- Mr. D., you
started without me.

- Well I just wanted
to get us past this

critical rib part here, Sam.

- I got my report card today.

- Well good, lemme see it.

(audience laughing)

I even did good and
pays attention in class.

- That's great, Sam.

- Yeah, I learned to
sleep with my eyes open.

(audience laughing)

- Sam, it is a real
pleasure for me

to sign a report card like this.

Arnold, where's
your report card?

- Um, uh,

we didn't get 'em.

- But I saw some high school
kids with their report cards.

- Really?

- Uh huh.

- Those must have been
some other high school kids

from another school, that's it.

We don't get ours til next week.

- I always look forward
to your report card.

One thing I'm grateful for,

you kids have always
made me feel proud of you

when it came to your grades.

- Thanks, Mr. D.

(sighs)

- Man, you're in
bad trouble now.

- Should have just
let your dad see the F.

- Look, Spider,

maybe you can just
give me a phony ID

and I can tell my
dad I'm someone else.

- You shoulda just let me change

the grades in the first place.

That's the trouble with
American society today.

Too many people take
the easy, inexpensive option

rather than going for the
higher price quality product.

Then they complain
about shoddy merchandise

and our industrial base sinks

into a morass of mediocrity.

- Ain't it the truth.

(audience laughing)

- I feel bad enough
without having to listen to

a lecture on society's problems

from a guy named
after an arachnid.

(audience laughing)

- Hey,

I am a skilled craftsman

dealing in an important service.

Or don't you need it anymore?

- I need it, I need it.

- And I,

have the report card.

- What grades is he gonna get?

- It all depends on
what he deserves.

We have to earn good grades.

- How am I gonna do that?

- By showing a grasp
of the fundamentals.

I'll test you.

Let's take math for instance.

If my bookie owes me $50
bucks and I lose back $30,

much does he owe me?

- $20.

- A in math.

(audience laughing)

Okay, here's history.

What came first Happy
Days or Laverne & Shirley?

- Happy Days.

- A in history.

Okay, what else you take, kid?

- French.

- Hey, I don't know any French.

So since you know more
than me, A in French.

- You're hot now, Arnold.

- Keep going, what's
a biology question?

- There isn't any.

He thought a
spider was an insect.

I can only give you a B.

And we'll give
you a B in English

just so the biology
doesn't feel so lonely.

(audience laughing)

(blows)

There you go.

- Hmm.

Three As and two Bs.

- Not bad, Arnold.

You're almost an A student.

(audience laughing)

- Is America a great
country or what?

(audience laughing)

- Mr. D., can't we
stop for dinner?

Looking at all these
bones makes me hungry.

(audience laughing)

- Sam, we've got
to finish the tail.

- Mr. D., I'm really hungry.

Do you know what
Pearl's making for dinner?

- Well, she said she'd been
inspired by our dinosaur.

She's making ribs.

(audience laughing)

You know, that piece must
be around here someplace.

- Well, maybe the tail
doesn't come to a point.

- Well I think it's gonna
look so unfinished

without that point
at the end of the tail.

- Not to mention its head.

- Well keep looking, will you?

By the way, has Arnold
come home from school yet?

- Oh yeah.

He went back out,
but he asked me to

give you his report card.

- Oh.

(tearing)

(audience laughing)

Sam, I told you not to put
your gum in your pocket.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, that's not my gum.

That's Richie's.

(audience laughing)

- Well don't anybody's
gum in your pocket.

(audience laughing)

- Oh.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, wow.

These grades are
really outstanding.

Three As and two Bs.

I can't believe that Arnold

didn't wanna show
me this himself.

This is the kind of
report card he used to use

to try and get a
raise in his allowance.

(laughing)

- Yeah, he's probably out
shopping for a sports car.

(laughing)

(audience laughing)

(doorbell rings)

- I'll get it, Mr. D.

Hi, guys.

- Hi, is Arnold
home, short stuff?

- No.

And don't call me
short stuff, stubby!

(door closes)

- Sam, that is not a very
polite thing for you to do.

Come in, guys.

- Hi, Mr. Drummond.

Can we wait for Arnold?

We won't eat any food.

(audience laughing)

- I always eat food here.

(audience laughing)

- Help yourself, boys.

Pearl's in the kitchen.

By the way, guys,

did Arnold show
you his report card?

- Uh, is something
wrong with it, sir?

- Wrong?

It's wonderful.

(sigh)

These grades are so
good that I'm gonna try

and get him into a special
enrichment program.

- Um,

I think Arnold's already
enriched enough, sir.

(audience laughing)

- No such thing.

I'm gonna speak to
his guidance counselor

as soon as I possibly can.

- Ah, man.

Charlie, Ricky,

how'd I get in this mess?

- Well if you ask me...

- Shut up, Ricky.

Who asked you?

(audience laughing)

- What's this world coming to

if you can't count on a
good phony report card?

- Yeah well, it worked too well.

My dad thinks I'm a genius.

Man am I in trouble with it.

It's all your fault.

- It can't be, we
passed geometry.

(audience laughing)

- Get Spider the Action Man,

that's what you said.

And I listened to you.

- Another mistake.

(audience laughing)

- I hope I get out
on good behavior

in time for my junior prom.

(audience laughing)

- Hello gentleman.

- What are you doing here?

- I have other
clients, you know.

Here you go, your
cousin Luis's a barber.

(audience laughing)

So anyway, I came
by to also see if

my work was satisfactory.

- Perfect.

My father believed every grade.

- So why the long face?

- He thinks I should
be in special classes

and he wants to see
my guidance counselor.

- I once had a little
backfire before,

no big deal, though.

Dad'll be out in
two to five years.

(audience laughing)

- Great, I'm probably
going up for life.

- Hey, kid,

they don't call me the
Action Man for nothing.

You got a problem,
I spring into action.

- You can't forge a
guidance counselor.

- No, but I can be one.

I am an actor.

- Guy's a lunatic.

(audience laughing)

- I'll have you know
I spent many years

in this town as an actor.

- Really, what were you in?

- Debt.

(audience laughing)

That's why I do what I do now.

But I studied with some
of the best teachers.

I can be anything.

Watch this.

(audience laughing)

(clapping)

- Bravo, that's great.

It's terrific.

Guys, what is he?

- He's crazy and I should
be on a bus to Canada.

(audience laughing)

- That was a tree.

And you think I can't play
a guidance counselor?

(audience laughing)

- I don't even think
you can play a tree.

(audience laughing)

- Well I think he
could play a tree.

As long as it's not a
complicated tree like a willow.

- Right.

And a tree is harder
than a guidance counselor.

Trust me.

- Why should I trust you?

(audience laughing)

- Either trust him or
come up with a plan

and tell your father that you
lied, forged, and deceived.

Not to mention that
you failed geometry.

- Face it, kid.

I'm all you got.

- Ta dum.

There stands a
visible brontosaurus.

We did it.

(laughing)

Wasn't that fun, Sam?

Wasn't that the most
fun you've had in ages?

(audience laughing)

I guess it's the most
fun I had in ages.

(audience laughing)

Got a little carried
away, didn't I?

- Yeah, but it was
fun watching you.

I mean usually you're
such a grown up,

but with this you were
like a little kid with a tie on.

(laughing)

(audience laughing)

Now I'm gonna go
upstairs and att*ck

it with my toy soldiers.

(sharp inhale)

(doorbell)

- I got it, Dad.

(door opens)

Why it's my guidance
counselor, Mr. Hoffman.

- Cool it, Arnold.

(audience laughing)

- I have been really
looking forward to this.

Come in, come in, come in.

Have a seat.

And thank you for
coming to the house.

- Well, I know what
a busy man you are

and there's so many
distractions at school that

I know we both want to give
this our undivided attention.

- Well let's get right
to the point, shall we?

Now, you have seen
Arnold's mid-term grades?

- Oh, yes sir, I have.

- Looking at those
grades I would think

that he would be qualified for
a special enrichment program.

Of course, you're the expert.

- Well, sir, you may
be overreacting here.

After all these are
only mid-term grades

and they could change
significantly by the next report card.

- Well, I guess that's it
for special enrichment.

Thanks for coming, Mr. Hoffman.

(audience laughing)

- Hold it, hold it, Arnold.

Mr. Hoffman was very good
to come all the way over here.

We are fortunate to be able

to take advantage
of his expertise.

Now, just how do you select
students for special programs?

- Well there are
several ways, of course.

There are previous
grades over several years.

And standardized tests.

- Of course.

- I'm no good on
standardized tests.

They're below my standards.

(audience laughing)

Thanks for coming, Mr. Hoffman.

- One sec, Mr. Hoffman.

You are a professional
educator, am I right?

- Well, yes, I am
trained in that field.

- Well let me ask you something.

In your expert opinion,

would Arnold have
a better chance for

qualifying for an
enrichment program

if he spent more time reading

and less time
watching television?

- Well, sir, that's really
not my area of expertise.

But I imagine so.

- Dad, but there's a lotta
educational stuff on TV.

Like Dance Fever.

(audience laughing)

Well,

you learn a lot about anatomy.

(audience laughing)

- And certainly
agree that students

shouldn't be allowed
out on school nights?

- Well, sure, that's less
an educational decision

than a parental judgment thing.

(audience laughing)

- Now I have read
where some educators

feel that dating
is a distraction.

And that it can only
interfere with studies.

Do you share that viewpoint?

- Well, th-th-the
negative aspect...

- I knew you would.

I knew you would.

Fine.

Then Arnold will only
date in the summertime.

Is that all right
with you Arnold?

- Yeah, but my
hormones may not like it.

(audience laughing)

- Don't be silly, Arnold.

During the summer,
he will date only on

alternate Thursdays,
before a full moon,

and after a rainstorm.

(audience laughing)

Arnold is something wrong?

- Everything.

- Well, I guess
I'd best be going.

- Not so fast.

- Arnold is there something
you'd like to tell me?

- Well,

I got an F in geometry and

he forged my report card twice,

and he's not my real
guidance counselor.

I paid him to be here.

- I know that, I called
your school this afternoon

and I spoke with your
regular guidance counselor.

- Oops.

- Oops, indeed.

Just who are you?

- His name's Spider.

- Perfect.

Why don't you just

crawl out of here like a bug.

- Well, you see, sir,
actually a spider is not a bug.

- Out.

(audience laughing)

One thing more,

you are outta business.

If I ever hear of you
or see you again,

I will call the police.

You got that?

- Loud and clear.

- Uh, Dad, you want
me to crawl out with him?

- I want you to stay
right here, young man.

Now maybe you would like to
tell me how all this happened.

- Well, I was afraid.

I heard you talk about f*ring
that guy because he failed,

and I was afraid of
what you'd do to me.

- Arnold, you're my
son, I can't fire you.

(audience laughing)

- I know.

But, I was mostly worried
about what I'd do to you.

- To me?

I don't understand.

- Well, remember
in fourth grade,

when I got that gold
star on my composition?

And you were so happy and proud

and you told all your friends
how well I did in school

and how proud you were of me?

- I've always been proud of you.

- Well, I was afraid this time,

you wouldn't be.

You'd be hurt and disappointed

and you'd think I didn't
care or wasn't really trying.

And I didn't want
you to think that.

- I see.

You were more
worried about failing me

than failing your
courses in school.

- I guess, so.

It really bothered me.

- I'm very touched by that, son.

Look, I always
want you to do well.

But if you've tried
your very best,

I will always understand.

- Well, I do try my best.

I just don't
understand geometry.

- Well, we'll get you some help.

That's what tutors are for.

Don't ever be
afraid to ask for help.

There's nothing unusual about
needing help with a subject.

I once needed a tutor for Latin.

As a matter of fact,

I could use one for
brontosaurus building.

(audience laughing)

Don't worry, Arnold.

You'll catch on to geometry.

- I'm not as worried about that

as I am about getting punished.

- All right, I tell you Arnold,

I'm gonna ground
you for two weeks.

That and the punishment
you've already inflicted on yourself

should wipe the slate clean.

- Man, what a week.

- You know, Arnold, Einstein
had a lot of trouble in school.

He was even thrown out once.

I'll be very happy if
you're one fraction

as good as Einstein was.

- I'm setting my sights higher.

I wanna be as good as you.

(laughing)

- [Audience] Aw.

(clapping)

(upbeat digital music)

(horn music)

(dramatic music)