04x01 - Big Time Invasion

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Big Time Rush". Aired November 2009 - July 2013.*
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A look at life for the members of a boy band who are trying to make it big in the music industry.
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04x01 - Big Time Invasion

Post by bunniefuu »

- [Panting]

we've got to stop the invasion.

It could wipe out everything we know.

- You know it's a spitball fight,

not an alien invasion.

- Can I just play the way I want to?

- Fine.

- Now see if you can spot the enemy.

[Martial drumming]



[Wet thudding]

- they're in the lobby.

- This year's gonna be great.

We're recording our third album,

I have cooler hair,

and we're about to announce our huge summer tour.

- Yup!

As long as we all stick together,

nothing can stop big time rush.

Now let's destroy carlos.

- Give me your straw.

- Gross! What are you gonna do with it?

- I'm gonna save this lost planet

with an action-movie-cool slide move thing.

[Cool music]

- [screaming]

[shrieking]

[screaming]

[yelping]

stop! Stop! Stop!

[Shrieks]

[yelling]

both: gustavo's gonna k*ll him!

- ...with one direction, the wanted,

and three new boy bands crossing the atlantic

with hot new albums and huge u.s. Summer tours.

It's a new british invasion

that will surely leave american boy band big time rush

in the dust.

[Dubious guitar riff]

or should I say big time who?

[Laughs]

- [retches]

- ♪ make it count, play it straight ♪

♪ don't look back, don't hesitate ♪

- ♪ when you go big time

- ♪ what you want, what you feel ♪

♪ never quit and make it real ♪

- ♪ when you roll big time

- ♪ oh-oh, oh-oh

- ♪ hey, hey

- ♪ listen to your heart now

- ♪ hey, hey

- ♪ don't you feel the rush

- ♪ oh-oh, oh-oh

♪ oh-oh, oh-oh

- ♪ go and shake it up

♪ whatcha gotta lose

♪ go and make your luck

♪ with the life you choose

♪ if you want it all, lay it on the line ♪

♪ it's the only life you got so you got to live it big time ♪

- ♪ ah, ah, ah-ah, oh

- ♪ make it count, play it straight ♪

♪ don't look back, don't hesitate ♪

- ♪ when you go big time

- [shrieks]

[music stops]

why aren't you guys at the studio?

Both: we're being invaded!

[Dramatic music]

- and nice dance sort of.

- I wasn't dancing.

I'm cleaning.

And now I'm--i'm cleaning the back hallway.

- Enough with the spitballs.

The british are not actually invading.

- Oh, really?

Have you seen this month's pop tiger?

We're nowhere on the cover,

and besides one "d" and the wanted,

look who else is invading our great land:

hair ,

colorful pants.

Don't forget simon cowell's next boy band.

- Don't panic.

We are in here.

Here's logan's adorable "call me" poster.

- It's cute.

- And james, who will work for hugs.

- I will!

- Okay, so that's of ours

to of theirs.

How did this happen?

- Simon cowell.

He manages all of these bands and has an army helping him.

Gustavo, on the other hand, does everything himself.

For a man his size, he's spread very thin.

- We need a new manager. Katie, be our new manager.

- Can't.

Monthly leases ended yesterday,

and I am going downstairs to see if any girls my age moved in.

I love you guys,

but you're not girls who I can talk about boys with.

- Huh!

We can talk about boys. - Yeah.

- And we do not need a new manager.

- But statistics do show

new managers reinvigorate lagging companies.

- Smart talk.

And it looks like you're outnumbered.

Tell him where you stand, invasion buddy of mine.

[Dramatic music rises]

- I'm on this side.

- Oh, you just made a big mistake.

Huh!



- Okay, I don't know what we're doing here.

- We are going back to rocque records

to see how gustavo, our manager,

plans on handling this invasion.

- Hey.

You guys want to go to the pool?

- Not a good time, ladies!

- Trying to stop an invasion here!

[Martial drumming]

- as one "d" and the wanted launch their summer tours

in boston and atlanta,

we will launch ours in d.c.,

Thus protecting the capitol.

- But the next night,

they advance to richmond and baltimore.

- So we fall back to kansas city.

- But that's when hair , colorful pants...

- And s.c.n.b.b. Start their tours.

- Then all of the bands move into the interior cities...

- Which means...

- You're surrounded.

- Are you here to help us or make us feel bad?

- Yes.

And the american-british music rivalry is nothing new.

When the beatles invaded in the 's,

they wiped out elvis and the american rock scene.

So we retaliated with the dance sounds of disco.

Then they launched a new wave offensive

that washed away our dance rebellion

and rendered all my white suits useless.

But grunge brought america back.

And although their angst-filled lyrics made me sad,

it made me money.

- Right, so you want us to fight off the invasion

with everything we've got.

- Close.

I want you to surrender.

It's time to ditch the boy bands

and find music's next big thing.

[Together] we can't surrender.

- Sure you can.

Just wave these.

From now on, this studio and its resources

will be used solely to find the next wave of music.

Sorry, boys.

It's over.

It's been fun,

but it's over.

[Dramatic drumming]

- we're not waving these!

- You are!

[Deflated trumpet fanfare]

- I can fix this.

I'm a mega songwriter,

producer, and manager.

I'm a triple thr*at!

- Or maybe you're spread too thin.

- What?

- Maybe we need a new manager...

With fresh ideas that invigorates things and stuff.

- Oh, okay, yeah. You know what?

You guys go out and find a new manager

that'll bring some fresh ideas to the band

to help defeat the british invasion.

- You don't have a problem with that?

- I have a big problem with that!

Enjoy your new manager, because I quit!

- Okay... - Oh...

- Guys!

- He did say to go out and find a new manager.

- Not the way you're thinking it!

- Hey, katie, I got to take out a wasps' nest.

Do you want to sh**t off a can?

This stuff sprays, like, feet.

[Canister hissing]

[man screams]

- no, thanks. I'm about to meet my future bff.

And no offense, but it's time for me

to start hanging out with girls and talk about boys,

not wasps.

- Oh. Well, okay.

I'll see you later, I guess.

- Check-in time.

Bring on the bffs.

[Indistinct chatter and cell phones ringing]

who are all these guys

and where are my potential bffs?

- These are businessmen,

because I am turning the palmwoods

into a business residence.

No more pool parties, t.p.'D palm trees,

and no more headaches.

Here's your free wi-fi password,

your complimentary continental breakfast,

and hot water is in the bathroom.

Have a palmwoods day.

[Dramatic music]

[cell phones ringing]

- I just do not think we need a new manager.

- Alan sharp was the force

behind america's greatest boy bands,

from new kids to backstreet to 'nsync.

- We don't need help.

I am prepared to fight this invasion on my own.

- Is that a ten straw?

- Try .

- Okay, we will meet with him.

But remember, this is not a real invasion.

Slam!

- Gentlemen, this is an invasion,

and it is real.

These british boy bands are like a hot boy b*mb,

and they're coming to blow you off the map

unless you got a more powerful w*apon like me,

alan sharp.

Would you like a tiny water?

[Flouncy music]



Little sparkly, not too hard on the tummy.

- Oh, it's just that gustavo's the only manager

that we've ever known.

- Yeah, and we're reluctant to rush into anything.

- You sign with me today,

I will unleash a barrage:

tv appearances, viral videos,

moon advertising

that'll rocket big time rush back to the top.

I'm ready to fight for you, fellas.

Question is,

are you ready to fight

for the life of the american boy band?

[Indistinct chatter and cell phones ringing]

- come on, come on, come on.

[Screams]

I need your help.

- Ohh.

I thought you didn't want to hang out anymore,

'cause I can't talk about boys,

which I totally can.

- This is not the time for that,

'cause the palmwoods has been invaded.

- [Gasps] invaded?

What is it? Wasps?

Rodents?

- Worse: businessmen.

- [Gasps]

- no! No a*.

- Okay, so all we have to do is sign right here

and big time rush has a new manager.

- Not so sure. - I don't know.

- What?

Getting a new manager was your idea.

- The water was very tiny.

- You said sharp was the best in the business,

and look around you.

I don't see anybody else riding up on a white horse

trying to save us from the invasion.

[Car engine revving]

[tires screech]

- did you say "horse" or "horsche"?

- Well, well.

If it isn't big time rush,

american boy band about to be destroyed by the brits.

Let me guess:

you just met with a past-his-prime manager

whose only solutions for you

were tv spots and moon advertising?

- He was a bit vague.

- Allow me to give you some specifics.

One sold-out summer tour,

two sports cars for each of you

in case one gets dirty,

$ million advance for your next cd,

and four guys whose dreams all came true because of me,

mitchell gold.

Here's my card.

[Rad guitar riff]

call me if you need me.

And you do.

[Swaggering music]

- can you believe that guy?

Both: you mean our new manager?

- What? No, he's not.

Both: yes, he is.

Both: we're going with sharp.

- Oh, well, we're going with big-water guy.

- Well, I don't like the big bottle...

- I'm so tired of this...

- We want to get to the top, okay?

[All yelling over each other]

[all groaning]

- ♪ you want to be famous

♪ fam-- [screams]

- ♪ you want to be the one

[music stops]

- you've got to stop doing that!

- Uh, walking into the apartment while you dance weirdly?

- I'm cleaning.

And why are you all standing there like that

separated with your arms folded?

Are you fighting?

- We are fighting a british invasion,

and they're doing it wrong.

- No, we're doing it right. - Yeah.

[Cell phone rings]

oh, our new manager just got us

on the daily show with jon stewart.

- Ah! I want to be on that show.

He would love me.

- Well, you can't, and he wouldn't.

[Cell phone rings]

- ohh, look at that.

Our new manager just landed us featured vocals

on a new gavin degraw single.

Ha!

[Cell phone rings]

- we are going to be singing the national anthem

at dodgers stadium.

- Saturday top .

- Pop tigercover sh**t.

[Dramatic music]

- are those straws?

Both: .

- Don't!

You guys know you can't fight a british invasion

if you're having a civil w*r.

- Hey. Can you guys hit the pool now?

- Not a good time, ladies.

- Fighting a civil w*r here.

- Ugh!

- Don't follow us.

- You don't follow us.

[Indistinct chatter and cell phones ringing]

- I figure each businessman we get rid of

equals one potential bff I can talk about boys to.

- [Scoffs] I can talk about boys.

- Stop it.

Now, if there's one thing businessmen hate,

it's annoying kids.

So I'm gonna play a little dodgeball in the hall.

- But look at 'em. They travel in large packs.

[Indistinct chatter and cell phones ringing]

they might not even notice.

[Indistinct chatter]

[pastoral music]

- keep quiet. I've got to get closer.



[Leaves rustling]

[suspenseful musical tone]

[pastoral music continues]

crunch!

[Suspenseful musical tone]

[twinkling musical notes]

darn it!

- This is the daily show with jon stewart.

- Welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart.

Tonight, big show with a big-time visit

from big time rush.

About an hour or so ago...

- Hey, guys, I got here as fast as I could.

- Good. Now get them off the show.

- I can't do that. They're not my clients.

- Well, then, sue them, 'cause this makes us look bad.

And I never look bad. - Don't worry.

You're going to sound great featured on that hot new single,

so come on, let's go.

- Not yet.

- From big time rush,

please welcome kendall and carlos.

[Cheers and applause]

[spitballs thudding]

[both yelling]

- uh...

Big time rush, everybody.

We'll be right back.

- Thanks, gavin.

I think this song is gonna be huge.

- Quiet, mitch. - Right.

Quieting down.

- Okay, guys, when you sing, I want you to imagine

a cool breeze, okay,

just blowing in your face.

One, two.

One, two, three.

- Ah! - Not the face!

- I will have revenge!

- That was terrible.

Somebody call colorful pants.

- And now singing our national anthem,

from big time rush,

kendall and carlos.

Both: ♪ oh-oh, say, can you see

[spitballs hissing]

[both yelling]

- I hate you!

- Hey, everyone, it's logan and james from big time rush,

and we are guest-hosting saturday top .

Coming up next is a brand-new hit from--oh, no.

[Spitballs thudding]

[both yelling]

[upbeat drumming]

- he started it!

- Put them on the floor!

- He started it!

- Okay, all right, that is enough!

- We booked so many great jobs for you guys...

- And you ruined them all.

- Yeah, well, I'm not so sure you're managing us very well.

- Managing you?

I want to destroy you.

- Okay, we're sorry.

- No, no, no. You are not sorry.

You are an idiot.

- [Gasps]

- you forgot to say "pretty".

He's a pretty idiot.

- Thank you.

- Look at yourselves.

You're has-beens before you're even .

- Okay.

That's a little harsh.

- Your careers are over.

- [Exhales] well...

In that case...

[Together] you're fired.

[Spitballs thudding]

- [shrieks]

[spitballs thudding]

- you've got a lot of nerve!

- Heard you on the radio this morning.

And it was really bad.

- Before you say anything,

we just fired our managers.

- I'm surprised they lasted this long.

- So what do we do now?

[Upbeat regal music]



- I don't know! I'm scared!

- [Retches]

- this is bad.

I posted online that the rooms would be available at :,

but the businessmen are still here.

- Well, haunting their rooms didn't work,

and neither does the wasp spray.

[Canister hissing]

- then there's only one thing left to do.

[Suspenseful music]

- hey, I thought you said no axes.

- I'm not gonna use it on them.

[Percussive trilling]

you're going to use it to k*ll the palmwoods' free internet.

[Scheming music]

- that might actually work.



[Indistinct chatter]

[electricity buzzing]

[music powering down]

- oh, no.

The internet is down.

[Frantic clacking]

it can't be down!

[Indistinct chatter]

no!

[Businessmen clamoring]

please, calm down, everyone.

We'll have the internet back up shortly.

Don't leave me!

I hate teens!

- : P.m. Check-in time.

[Indistinct chatter]

[expectant music]

wait.

Where are all the girls?

- Well, there are no girls, but that kid's kind of a looker.

- Nah. Too much hair.

What about backpack boy?

- Well, it's really b*at up,

so he's either really smart or very clumsy.

[Cymbals crash chaotically]

both: clumsy.

- Sorry for blowing you off earlier.

I guess you can talk about boys.

- You got that right, girlfriend.

- ♪ Make it count, play it straight ♪

♪ don't look back...

- [Shrieks]

- well, that was horrifying.

- I actually thought she was getting better.

- Ehh. - Ehh.

- I don't care what you guys think,

because I am having fun.

And when the last time any of you guys had fun?

- How are we supposed to have fun

when a foreign army of boy bands

is about to inv*de our great land

and capture all our fans?

- Well, that is not gonna happen,

because, uh, this is america,

and we invented the boy band!

- Right!

From the platters to the jackson

to new kids to backstreet to you guys.

- Okay.

So what do we do?

- Well, I will tell you

what we're gonna do.

What are we gonna do?

- What are we-- what do we do?

You--you--you--you do it

like nobody's around.

You dance and you sing like no one is watching,

because that's what's in your hearts.

- Keep going.

- You write songs because that's what you love doing,

not because you're trying to top simon cowell.

And you guys,

stop worrying about cd and ticket sales

and remember why you got into this:

to be together and to do something you'll never forget.

- What about griffin?

[Energetic guitar solo]



- I'll take care of griffin.

- Huh.

Well, I guess we didn't need a new manager.

- We just needed a momager.

- Ooh, looks like I walked into a music video moment.

All: yup!

- ♪ Want you to cry

♪ 'cause you're laughing so hard tonight ♪

♪ playing air guitar, all right ♪

♪ we're being who we are

♪ even if they hate that

- ♪ want you to shout

♪ at the top of your lungs about ♪

♪ all our favorite songs so loud ♪

♪ we'll be singing along

♪ even if they hate that

- ♪ turn up the radio

♪ so what if we lose control?

♪ Get a little bit rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ oh, ooh, whoa-oh

- ♪ so throw your hands in the air ♪

♪ come on and make this count ♪

♪ it's only you and me

♪ never mind this crowd

♪ do the way you do it

♪ do it like nobody's around

♪ whoa, so put your hands in the air ♪

♪ come on and waste no time ♪

♪ it doesn't really matter if it's wrong or right ♪

♪ do the way you do it

♪ do it like nobody's around

♪ we can do it like nobody's around ♪



- ♪ Turn up the radio

♪ so what if we lose control?

♪ Get a little bit rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh-oh-oh



- ♪ So throw your hands in the air ♪

♪ come on and make this count ♪

♪ it's only you and me

♪ never mind this crowd

♪ do the way you do it

♪ do it like nobody's around

♪ whoa, so put your hands in the air ♪

♪ come on and waste no time ♪

♪ it doesn't really matter if it's wrong or right ♪

♪ do the way you do it

♪ do it like nobody's around

♪ we can do it like nobody's around ♪

- ♪ whoa, oh, oh

- okay, you've convinced me.

I don't want big time rush to surrender,

and I like the song.

- ♪ We can do it like nobody's around ♪

- ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah

- ♪ oh, oh, oh, oh

- ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah

- ♪ we can do it like nobody's around ♪

- ♪ whoa, oh, oh, oh

- ♪ we can do it like nobody's around ♪

- all right, that was gustavo saying

we just added dates in portland, phoenix,

and an extra night in new york.

- All right! - Perfect.

- Okay, now, what about him?

- No, guys. I'm fine.

- Yeah, well, so is blondie jones.

- Huh.

- Guys, we don't need to talk about boys.

- We know, but who better to talk about them than boys?

- Ah, ah! - You're right.

- Okay, okay, all right.

What about blue shirt boy?

- Looks like your type. - Hey, there's one!

Look at--come here! Come here!

You in the ugly shorts!

- Yo, ugly shorts! - Over here!

- Ugly shorts!

[All talking over each other]

- ♪ step it up, get in gear ♪

♪ go for broke, make it clear ♪

- ♪ got to go big time

- ♪ hey, hey

- ♪ make it work, get it right ♪

♪ change the world overnight

- ♪ got to dream big time

- ♪ oh-oh, oh-oh

- ♪ hey, hey

- ♪ give it all you got now

- ♪ hey, hey

- ♪ isn't it a rush

- ♪ oh-oh, oh-oh

♪ oh-oh, oh-oh

- ♪ go and shake it up

♪ whatcha gotta lose

♪ go and make your luck with the life you choose ♪

♪ if you want it all, lay it on the line ♪

♪ it's the only life you got so you got to live it big time ♪
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