NARRATOR: Hello there.
It's Christmastime, thatmagical holiday when us Brits
pull on our festive jumpers and deck
the halls with boughs of holly.
Now that is a beautiful f*cking ball,
look at that, what a bauble that is.
It's the f*cking bauble of all baubles.
NARRATOR: But it's not all turkey and tinsel.
We're also beset by thoselittle anxieties we like
to call Very British Problems.
The British are very suspicious of Christmas.
They have to be slightly cheerier than normal.
NARRATOR: We have a unique setof complicated social codes
and unwritten rules.
Compliment, apology, compliment apology,
that's the rhythm of the day.
NARRATOR: That the rest of theworld will never understand.
We would all have towatch the Queen's speech.
And my father would make us stand.
NARRATOR: All million of uscrammed onto this little island
are united at Christmastimeby endless opportunities
for embarrassment.
You all get drunk, that all happens.
And the British was is youact like it never happened.
NARRATOR: And relentless social awkwardness.
People tell you to put on Christmas jumpers.
Yeah.
Which we never really enjoy doing.
NARRATOR: So if you've ever turned
down help in the kitchen--
It is a bit of turkeyand some spuds, well, two
of those things are on fire.
NARRATOR: Try to leave aparty by using a secret code.
It's the babysitter, isn't it?
Oh, no.
NARRATOR: Or said sorry whenyou've handed over a gift.
You can apologize andapologize and apologize all day
long with no interruptions.
What's not to like?
NARRATOR: Then you are suffering from Very
British Problems at Christmas.
But don't panic, you are not alone.
Why is there a problem?
Oh, welcome to Britain.
We'll make it a problem.
[christmas bells ringing]
[christmas music]
NARRATOR: So tonight, we'll be taking
a look at the Very British Problems
that we all face at this time of year.
Our festive anxieties startwell before Christmas day
when we begin to think about what gifts to buy.
ROMESH RANGANATHAN: It's not in our nature
to give presents as Brits.
No, Americans, they'll give presents
for you waking up that morning.
I mean, well done, you're still alive.
Here's a little gift justto say, well done for that,
you know.
Whereas you know, Brits are not like that.
So it's more, the whole thing of gift giving
is quite unnatural for Brits, I think.
We find it difficult.
NARRATOR: We Brits have noconfidence in our own choices,
even when buying for our nearest and dearest.
I go to [inaudible] to doall the Christmas shopping.
And I go to the perfume area.
Do you do much of that perfume shopping?
Do you look a bit blank when you're there?
Well, I do. But that's one thing.
I say I'd like to get something for the wife.
And they say, well,what's she interested in?
What does she smell like? [laughing]
Well, why are you trying to disguise?
Let's take it from there, that point first.
And then, and they say, well,does she like oils or creams?
Well, I don't know.
It's a complete mystery to me that area.
Well, look, she works in an oil rig.
Or she works in a dairy.
That's what we're trying to get at.
NARRATOR: The way we deal withour poor gift-giving skills
is to lower people's expectations
from the very start.
People don't just hand over a gift.
There's always a story to it, because I
find myself doing it as well.
And I go, right, before, before you open it,
let me tell you why I bought you this.
I was thinking, now, I thinkyou're going to open it,
and you're going to think,why has she bought me that?
So I just want to tell you-- don't, don't
open it yet because,remember that time when-- no,
don't open it yet.
Do you remember that time when you were,
you were really quite drunk.
That's all it is.
It doesn't mean I think you're a lush.
It was just that you were quite drunk once,
and so I-- no, look, don't, don't open it.
There's a, there's a, there's one
of those gift receipts in it.
And there's this big story that goes
into it because we're so worried that it's
going to be the wrong gift.
I'm really sorry.
It's all they had.
I couldn't even find--
I wanted to get you thisbut I could only find this.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, you hate it.
I'm sorry.
Like, you know, I put the receipt in there.
So don't even, I mean,it's nothing, it's nothing.
I don't even know why I gave it to you.
In fact, I hate it, and I hate you.
I don't even-- I regifted it.
I gave it to you because I don't like you.
You know, it could almost get to that point
because it's all about you.
That's ultimately it.
You don't want to be the person, you're
so terrified of being the personthat's bought a sh*t present.
NARRATOR: Here in Britain, we have
an awkward relationship withmoney at the best of times.
And at Christmas, we findourselves mentally pricing up
every gift we receive, not that we'd
ever make a fuss, of course.
Here you go.
I think our friendship is worth pounds.
Part of us knows that the amount of thought
and the amount of money spentsay volumes about how committed
we are to that relationship.
So it's an awkward moment when you've
given someone a bumper bookof crosswords or something.
NARRATOR: And it's not as simple as just
throwing money at the problem.
That can make matters even worse.
Oh, I love my nan dearly.
Bit of a lightweight becauseshe's only '", see,
so she's kind of boozey and she's f*cked.
All right.
So I think, I'll give her money one year.
I gave her about sh*ts.
She said to me, what am I a f*cking charity?
Oh, f*cking hell.
One kick up the bullocks.
Still took the money, though, bless her.
[music - "jingle bells"]
NARRATOR: There's nothingwe like more in Britain
than traditions.
They're our comfort blanket,and the older the tradition,
the better.
In , King Edward VI passed a law
stating that everyone in the land
had to take a walk on Christmas day.
years later, would youbelieve it, we're still at it.
The walk, you know, if youstay with middle class people,
they always want to all wrapup warm, and it's kind of like,
make it across a snowy hill, a little bit
like the last Christmas One video.
We have to go for a walk, which
is in itself can be problematicbecause other people are
going for a walk.
Hello.
Oh, f*ck's sake, I don't wantto talk about your Christmas.
I don't want to talk about my Christmas.
But that's a slight, ifyou go through the village,
you know, it's half hello, f*ck off.
I hate having to nod to people as I go.
It all just gets a bit Victorian, doesn't it?
NARRATOR: A recent survey hasshown that one in six Brits
would happily cancel Christmas,and it's no coincidence
that it's the time of yearwhen we have to make chitchat
with the world and his wife.
I think the wishing people "Merry
Christmas" is probably an American thing
that we've adopted.
It's not something we wouldever do for the rest of the year
is to wish anyone any good will or luck.
I remember walking back last year
from somewhere onChristmas Eve after dark,
and I was with my daughter.
And I saw some people walkingtowards us, and I, I just said,
Merry Christmas.
And they went Merry Christmas.
And my daughter said, do you know them?
And I said, no, no.
And she went, why did you talk to them?
My mother is a big Merry Christmas.
She loves, we go for a walk every year
down the toe path by the Thames.
And it's like a competitionto see how many people
she can say Merry Christmas to.
And me and my sister and brother,
we all take a bet on how many people
she'll be able to say MerryChristmas to by the time we've
got to the end of the toe path.
This year, I won.
I picked quite a low numberof Merry Christmases,
and it was way too low.
And I was like, I'm never going to,
I'm never going to win this.
She's already done Merry Christmases,
and we're only a quarter ofthe way down the foot path.
But then, just like fate intervening
to help me win this game, Michael Ball
walks past the other way down the toe path.
My mother was so excited,she like nearly wet herself.
And the Merry-- shecouldn't even get it out.
And she was just stunned, in stunned silence
for the rest of the walk because she'd
seen that lovely Michael Ball.
NARRATOR: In the United States, they
avoid any risk of cultural insensitivity
by saying "Happy Holidays"instead of "Merry Christmas."
Over here, we just turn the awkwardness up to
and muddle through.
I don't get Merry Christmas.
I get, Merry-- oh, do you actually do you?
That's what I get.
I have people go, do you celebrate,
do your lot celebrate Christmas?
You're like, yes.
Sorry, I don't mean to be--it's just because-- well,
it's not because--
I mean, no, because, uh, do you, uh, wow.
I just go, yeah, man, I do Christmas.
[kids singing]
NARRATOR: The nativity play has been
performed throughout Europesince the th century.
But whilst the French andGermans have long since given
it up, it's still very much a fixture
in the British primary school calendar.
And as a result, we all get to experience
our first Christmas anxietiesas soon as we can walk.
I wasn't allowed to beMary in any nativity play
because I was not white, andthat really, really upset me.
I really wanted to be Mary.
I could be the best [inaudible]Mary in the whole wide world.
And they made me a bloody shepherd.
I think one of the firsttimes I was ever on stage
was in the nativity, Park County Middle
School, High Wycombe, whereI was overlooked for Joseph.
It's terrible. It was awful.
I remember it to this day.
OK, Lindsey Reece, you will be playing Mary.
Jason Middleton, you are Joseph.
What the f*ck?
I was given the non-speakingrole of Innkeeper number one.
No door, no, no, no set, fake door.
And that was it, livid.
I never, it drives me on to this day.
NARRATOR: So to prevent today'schildren getting scarred
for life, nowadays only athird of British schools
put on a traditional nativity play.
Most productions use a bit of artistic license
with the Christmas story to ensure that everybody
gets a good part.
I saw a nativity play wherepeople were playing lettuce.
I can't even remember how theymanaged to shoehorn that in.
But for some reason, you justgo, yeah, sure, lettuce, that's
part of the Christmas story.
NARRATOR: So to recap, we'velearned that the British can't
give a gift without apologizing and can
barely even bring themselves to say
the words, "Merry Christmas."
Now where are those Christmas nibbles?
You up for a nut?
Christmas day, have a f*cking nut.
[inaudible] Come on,what's the matter with ya?
f*cking [inaudible].
[christmas bells ringing]
NARRATOR: This season is simply chockablock
with things that take usBrits out of our comfort zone.
And what could possibly be more awkward for us
than a perfect stranger ringing the doorbell
and expecting a tip?
It's that, when someone knockson the door and they go, "Hi."
And they just look atyou, like you're supposed
to know what that means.
I give you money now?
How much money do I give you?
Are you asking me to, to, to give
an evaluation of how goodyou've been at your job
through the whole year?
I don't know that I've reallybeen paying attention enough.
Or if actually you were a bit sh*t back in July,
does that mean I have to standthere and look you in the eye,
and go, no, you're gettingnothing because in July you
didn't take the recycling.
NARRATOR: Whilst our American cousins have
a universally acceptedpercentage system they can
refer to when they'retipping, we have no such rule
book to consult. And for someof us, the embarrassment of it
all is just too much to take.
If someone knocks on the door, I just ignore it.
I just switch the lights off, to be honest,
and lie on the floor for a couple of weeks.
I used to be a bin man for, for a while.
And it makes a big, it's a big deal to a bin man.
Every bin man remembers those people
who give them a Christmas tip.
Ain't no doubt about it.
I leave them money and a Christmas card.
No you don't.
You leave them pork chops--
[inaudible]
On top of the bin.
NARRATOR: But embarrassing asit is when the bin men come
to call, there is atleast the very small mercy
that they don't sing at you.
[carollers singing]
We just bought a lovely house.
I'm going to get carol singers.
It's a little village.
It's got carol singer written all over it,
this f*cking village.
You know, when peoplesing in public, it's like,
I don't know where to look, especially
when it's a small group.
I just would rather disappear or combust.
I just don't know where to look, you know,
what to do with my hands.
It's like, don't sing, andI'll just give you the money.
Just go.
NARRATOR: Back in medieval times,
carol singers were gangs of rowdy peasants,
who went from door to doordemanding food and alcohol.
Times have obviously changed now.
These days, it's hard cash they're after.
There's very much two types of carol singer
I've, I've noticed.
There's the real carol singers, your
professional carol singers.
And they're from a choir, and they've
got a bucket with a legitimatecharity written on it.
And every now and again, every, every fifth ring
of the doorbell, you open the door,
and there's just some chanceron your doorstep in a tracksuit
and a beanie hat with a bit oftinsel that he's found in a bin
wrapped around his neck.
He hasn't got a bucket with a charity on it.
He's got a used Starbucks cup, which
he thrusts in front of you.
And then kind of half mumblesa chorus of "Jingle Bells,"
and expects you to give him a quid.
If I'm standing in my doorway,and they're looking at me,
it gets embarrassing.
So I get really close up to them and stare
at the lead singer right in the front,
right in the face like that.
So go on then.
All right. [SINGING] Oh, comeall ye-- it's all right, sir.
I don't need your money.
Well, I don't, I don'tenter into carol singing.
The doorbell will go, I'll open the door,
there they are, I close the door.
[music playing]
MUSICIAN: [SINGING] Is mistletoe over the door?
You can't eat or drink anymore.
ROMESH RANGANATHAN: Well,it's safe to say that Romesh
has smashed the parsnips.
MUSICIAN: [SINGING] drank too much wine.
And everyone's having a ball.
NARRATOR: The first-ever text message
was sent in by a British engineer
and simply read, "Merry Christmas."
What was he thinking?
Who sends a text on Christmas day?
I don't think we should beallowed to contact one other.
There should be a rule, that youjust don't contact your friends
over Christmas, period.
Because if I get a text from someone,
especially on Christmas day, I'm like,
no, not now, no, not here.Leave it.
Wait, wait till February,then get back in touch.
I have a friend called Steve.
And every year, he sends a textto all of his friendship group.
And it's always really weird and emotional
and talks about how happy heis that we're part of his life
on this wonderful day.
And he just gets destroyed.
Every response is, like, what is wrong with you.
He gets, like, that kind of sentimentality
is not something that Britishpeople like or sits with us
very well.
NARRATOR: Obviously, we areall too British to tell people
how we feel to their face.
So surely we shouldembrace the text message.
If I constructed a text message for you
on Christmas day, that means I care about you.
I care about you.
And I send it out andnothing comes back, I say,
I'm stressed.
I'm like, what?
Why in the name of [inaudible],and then it's real.
I'm like, OK, so what, didit mean anything to them?
Do they like me?
Are we not friends?
Am I off their list?
Am I that number, am I thatnumber, that random number
that says, "Happy Christmas, blah, blah,"
and they didn't know who it is.
Because they ain't got myname in their phone book.
NARRATOR: And it's not just texting.
Every new form of social media that comes along
gives us Brits something fresh to worry about.
What if our Christmas isn'tas good as everyone else's?
There's my friend, he livetweets his Christmas day.
And it's a brilliant Christmas day.
And I, I kind of--
Like an event.
Like, he tweets throughout,yeah, so he hashtags
it Gibb's Family Christmas.
And it would just be updates of the day.
And they have a brilliant time.
And every year, I look at it and think,
I wish my parents hadgone on holiday this year.
I could have gone to the Gibbs' house.
[laughing]
They're having the best Christmas day ever.
Long gone are the dayswhen it's just your friends
and family you're comparing your Christmas against.
Twitter and Instagram meanit's now the whole world
judging your baubles.
Everyone is far more overtwith what they're doing,
and people are Instagramming,and it's on Facebook.
And you can see and compareso easily now that I now--
what, I know my friend's mom used to let
everyone decorate the tree.
She's like, yeah, this is what it's about,
kids, decorate the tree.
And we'd all go, yeah, like,put a lot of old tin on it,
and that was it.
Go to bed, she'd redo it.
She would redo it.
And she'd be, oh, isn't that wonderful?
And then, and then, aftershe'd redone it, don't--
that's how you did it.
Let's leave it like that, let's leave it.
I'm becoming that person nowbecause I know that, I can see
when kids decorate the tree, I'mgetting a bit, ah, that looks,
that looks dreadful.
NARRATOR: We Brits never liketo be the center of attention,
well, not sober anyway.
But unfortunately, come Christmas,
the pressure is really on to show our fun side.
Well, it's hardly surprisingwe get it wrong, is it?
We We have one Christmas drinks that we
go to every year, sort of ourlast out of the house activity.
And last year, I wentdressed as an elf for reasons
which still escape me.
My kids thought it was funny,so I thought, brilliant.
I'm, I'm hilarious dad.
Let's just go with this.
Got there, everyone else is wearing suits, suits.
Then I'm just standingthere, being a little bit
sullen and embarrassed, dressedas an elf, and that's not,
that's not how to style it.
If you come as an elf,see it through as an elf.
NARRATOR: To help us through the potentially awkward
social interactions ofthe festive party season,
our obvious go-to crutch is the tipple
or two, just to ease the pain.
Historically, we are a nation that
has grown up withhighly-structured drinking
hours.
But as soon as Christmas arrives,
the rulebook goes out the window.
Everyone can be pissed, everyone, it's fine.
You can give your dog a bowl of beer.
The dog cr*ck on its Christmas, it's fine.
The dog's got a hat on him,but it's fine, it's Christmas.
One of the first things I'll do is I
do a Bloody Mary in the morning, all right,
about eight-ish, a big jug of it.
I'll start pretty early with that.
It's quite sophisticated for me to have
a Bloody Mary in the morning.
It's always, I love goingout for a big [inaudible].
Well, drinking's good anyway, but Christmas--
It just ramps it up a notch.
Oh, it's amazing becauseall excuses are off.
Yeah.
And it's like being in a departure lounge.
You're just allowed to drink.
You're happy to seeeveryone, even the people
that you really couldn't normally care less
whether they're there or not.
You say, hello, mate.
NARRATOR: Over Christmas, we drink
an estimated million units of alcohol,
that's total, not each.
KATHERINE RYAN: The Britishpublic love a drink.
They love a day drink.
They love a lunch drink.
They love wine immediately after work,
and that is only acceleratedat Christmastime.
A lot of Christmases are planned around drinking,
so we'll get up.
We'll get a Baileys, just to withstand
the kids opening the presents.
We'll switch to champagne.
This is all before breakfast.
Since I've moved to Los Angeles,
if you have three glasses ofwine, people are like, OK,
I know we were coming out for dinner.
But I think we shouldmake this an intervention.
Are you OK?
You're, like, if you havethree glasses of wine at home,
people are like, what's wrong with you?
You have a headache?You feeling a bit, what's wrong?
Why are you not drinking?
NARRATOR: This inability torefuse a drink at any hour
can result in a type of very un-British behavior
that causes us endless embarrassing situations.
Everything that could happen used
to happen, drunken behavior,elicit snogging, bad, bad, bad
sexy dancing.
I remember once being that person dancing to,
I think it was "She Bangs,""She Bangs," by Ricky Martin.
What I don't like is sort of my parents
and my wife's parents have thishabit, this thing where they
get drunk at Christmas andthen think that we don't
mind them talking about sex.
My mother-in-law, two Christmases ago, like
made a reference to blow jobs.
Somebody mentioned that pineapple
makes your jizz taste better.
And then she went, oh, I'll have to make
sure Chris has a lot of pineapple
over this next couple of weeks.
f*cking hell, that's there now.
That's there.
You've ruined, blow jobs areruined now because of you.
Are you happy, red wine teeth?
NARRATOR: So we've learnedthat Brits will do anything
to avoid a carol singer, and we're
all fans of a quick tippleto help us loosen up.
MUSICIAN: [SINGING] With his big red nose,
he's keeping Santa company.
I can't wait for Christmas.
NARRATOR: We're looking at some very
British problems that beset usat this special time of year.
The thought of spending Christmas in Britain
is rather too much for some people.
So over the festiveperiod, four million of us
head off to foreign shores.
My wife is British, and I'm American.
So our first argument begins around, ooh, I'd
say October about where we'regoing to spend Christmas,
at which point I'm adamant thatwe go to Montana, where you can
trudge through the snowand cut down your own tree
and where my in-laws won't be.
NARRATOR: million of uswill travel by road or rail
to visit friends or family all over the UK.
We have incredibly detailed discussions
about how I'm going to getthere, will I get there, will
it be icy, what do we do if it's icy,
is it possible to walkthere, how will everyone get
home, every year, every year.
NARRATOR: In most European countries,
a family reunion will involvea huge outpouring of affection.
We Brits are far too embarrassed for this.
So we prefer our greetingsa bit less touchy feely.
TV ANNOUNCER[VOICEOVER]: When friends
and relatives start arriving, then
the holiday mood really begins.
The very first thing I'vesaid to any guest at Christmas
is how was your journey.
You know, did you walk here?
Did you run?
How did you get here, cycle?
And it breaks the ice, doesn't it.
Everybody will arriveat wherever they're having
Christmas and talk about how they got there,
what the traffic was like.
Well, unsurprisingly quiet,given that it's Christmas day,
most people are at home.
But there's always an elementof surprise, isn't there.
Oh, the roads were reallyquiet for once, like they
weren't last Christmas.
What do they do in other countries?
Well, they probably say, you know--
How would you like your falafel cooked?
You can't turn up and say, hi, I'm
really anxious about spendingthe next three days with you.
No, you turn up and say, it's very quiet
out there on the streets.
It's an accepted code.
It's like, "bit chilly today, isn't it"
doesn't mean it's a bit chilly.
It means, we've never got on, have we.
NARRATOR: The traffic also allows
us to get into an argument before we've
even taken our coats off.
My in-laws, and in fact, mywife is guilty of this, they
have always got a better route.
They've always a better route.
So how was it?
Well, it was a bit of anightmare coming up here,
[inaudible] was a bit actually--oh, you took the [inaudible],
that's unusual.
Oh, well, that's a weird one.
That probably added about , minutes to your journey
actually.
What I like to do is cross the field.
Oh, I say, mate, like, do you know what?
I will continue taking thatroute if it means minutes
less of listening to your sh*t.
NARRATOR: And what do we talk about when
we've exhausted our conversationabout the journey there?
Well, naturally we talk about how
we're going to get back home.
Now, where did I put that train timetable.
My family at Christmas specifically want
to talk about exactly what timeI am leaving and on what train.
And will it be direct?
I mean, will it be direct?
I mean, do you think you'llhave to get off at Preston?
Do you think you'll get a replacement bus?
I mean, what time will you, whattime will you get into Houston?
Do you think Houston will be busy?
Will you get a taxi, will youget a taxi across into that?
I've only got here.
[music playing]
NARRATOR: To minimize anypotential family tensions,
it's vitally important for usBrits that one thing remains
absolutely consistent from year to year,
the Christmas day schedule.
Obviously, there have to be lists.
There have to be timings.
I will work out atimetable certainly the day
before, possibly the week before.
Certain things will have been pre-prepared
and in the freezer.
None of this is fun.
None of this is to be enjoyed.
It's to be got right.
I am in charge of the washing up every year.
That's what I do.
And my brother-in-law's incharge of [inaudible] up.
My wife's in charge of drinks.
My brother is in charge of cleaning [inaudible].
We have assigned roles,and we do them every year.
They will not change.
They must never change.
There are no rows becausemy dad has a timetable
on the fringe of everything,when it has to happen,
what has to happen.
And we must not deviate.
If we deviate from the Christmas timetable,
disaster will befall the Calman family.
My brother gets reallyannoyed if anyone's late.
He's just sort of like, oh, what's wrong?
Nothing, nothing,nothing, nothing, nothing.
All right, bro, you sure?
Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
What's the problem?
I whisper to my sister, like, is he OK?
She's like, everyone was late.
Everyone was late, so he's really angry,
he's really angry.
[inaudible]
NARRATOR: Across the country,we keep rigidly to our schedules
at Christmas.
For example, a recent survey showed
that Brits have their first family argument
at : in the morning.
And the first person falls asleep at :
in the afternoon.
And if you're a guest in someone else's house,
you certainly can't mess with their timetable.
My wife's sister, she has, their family
have it very regimented.
They, in mid-day, all right, have got :
to : window for eating.
And then after that, kitchen's closed.
NARRATOR: It's not just thetiming of the Christmas dinner
that can't change.
The menu is equally inflexible.
You say to your average person that I'm
not cooking sprouts this Christmas, They
just lose their minds.
They don't even like the sprouts.
But the sprout has to be there.
When someone suggestsgoose, for instance, or duck,
for instance, f*ck off.
NARRATOR: Steady on, David.
This is clearly a topic where emotions run high.
When my wife first came to my family Christmas,
she joined in.
And then she started thinkingthoughts of changing things.
She once suggested a Christmasfish instead of the turkey.
She may as well have slappedmy mother in the face.
You keep eating the foodthat you know is disgusting
because it's tradition.
And if someone tries to improveupon that tradition, say me,
a Canadian that you haveinvited to your Christmas
do, I'm not going to give you a figgy pudding
because I respect you and Iknow that it's disgusting.
So instead, I'm going to makea lovely strawberry cheesecake,
bring that by, oh, no, no, we can't have
the cake that's actually good.
We want the disgusting fruit and nut mash
cake that our grandfathers had.
Our grandfathers had scurvy as well.
But we don't keep that kicking around.
NARRATOR: But whenever it is wefinally sit down for dinner--
for me, it's : on the nose--
our British politeness goesinto absolute overdrive.
I'll eat a bit of the main thing
and just go, hm, that's delicious.
And then some of the gra--oh, now, that is delicious.
And oh, these sprouts are ama--
this is so delicious.
Oh, the stuffing is delicious.
I can hear myself doing it,and I start to bore myself.
But I can't actually stopmyself doing it because then I
feel like if I stop,then they'll be thinking,
oh, she didn't like the carrots then.
NARRATOR: But however lumpy the gravy, however
watery the sprouts, we're hard-wired to keep
calm and carry on chomping.
We went for dinner, Christmaslunch at someone's house.
And we have starters.
Everyone has a little fish course starter.
What became apparent was these were frozen
and haven't been defrosted properly.
Not one person, not one person mentioned it.
We can't mention it.
We can't mention it.
We're eating frozen prawns.
Bring on the food poisoning.
NARRATOR: But even with amouth full of frozen fish,
we still have to say it's lovely.
After all, the average Christmas dinner
has taken seven hours and minutes to prepare.
But naturally, we downplay that.
The second you say, Mom,thank you for this lunch,
she says, don't thank me.
I should be thanking you lot.
We haven't done anything.
Oh, I should be thanking you lot.
Come on.
Let me take this plate.
Don't, you sit down.
It's Christmas day.
Sit down.
I know, but Mom, thedishwasher won't-- no, this,
I cooked this in a [inaudible].
It's nothing.
I'll throw it all away.
I'll just put it in the bin.
The problem for Brits is we don't ever
want to seem arrogant, and you don't
ever want to be seen to be--
putting effort in is not a British thing to do,
you know, I don't think, being seen
to go all out for something.
Whereas Americans will go, Ijust wanted everyone to have
an amazing Thanksgiving dinner.
So I started three weeks ago.
I started working with a sweet potato.
And you know what, it's really worked out well.
And I had to source the marshmallows
from actually a little boutique-y store
about an hour's drive outside.
But I thought it was worth it,just to make the mash work,
you know.
You can't do that as a Brit, man.
You got to go, I just found this sh*t.
There's a turkey in the cupboard,
I thought I'd use that.
NARRATOR: But what happens when someone
does accept a compliment, it really
doesn't bear thinking about.
Every year, my mom cooks the turkey.
And every year, my dad willcompliment her on the turkey.
But he will always use this oneword, which they only really
use when talking about aturkey, where he'll say, Hilary,
this turkey is very moist.
And then my mother will go, oh, well,
I basted it several times soI'm pleased that it's moist.
And then my father will go, yes,it's a very moist bird, Hilary.
And then it will just snowball from there.
And I'm looking at them, and my brother
and-- oh, it's horrendous, traumatic.
NARRATOR: So to recap, us Brits will always
prefer to discuss the state of the A
rather than talk about our feelings.
And heaven forfend if someone tries to mess
with the Christmas timetable.
Right, I'm going off to grab a turkey sandwich.
Oh, I'm still thinking about my moist mother.
[christmas bells ringing]
NARRATOR: With a belly stuffedfull of turkey and brandy
and surrounded by screamingchildren and moaning in-laws,
it's hardly surprising us Britsend up getting a little bit
tetchy and uptight.
As a British person at Christmas,
it's all about keeping thepeace and keeping polite.
Yeah.
I think if you're in someone else's house,
you have to observe their rules.
The thought of someoneelse coming into my house
and you know, and saying that crackers
come after the meal is morethan I can absolutely take.
I think you've got to slowly start--
it's like in a relationship,you have to slowly start
imposing your culture on them.
NARRATOR: But we neverlike to break the Christmas
house rules, even if we're in complete
air-gasping discomfort.
It's always stifling inpeople's houses at Christmas.
Everything's fine, everything's great,
and then as the day goes by,they go, let's open a window.
Should we open a window.
Phew, let's just open a window.
And of course, the steam'scoming out of the kitchen.
And the air of Brusselssprouts meets [inaudible].
And so should we, should we open that window,
if you open the window, we should open a window.
Oh.
And then you've got theslightly more older people go,
well, let's not open a window.
It gets a bit drafty, doesn't it.
It gets a bit drafty.
Oh, I don't want to sit by the draft.
Should we open a window, that's all I hear.
That's the, that's thesoundtrack to my Christmas.
Should we open a window?
Ooh, won't be long, won't be long.
You can't just suddenly say, I'm too hot.
Turn this down.
You have to-- again, it's acase of easing it in, like,
broaching the subject gradually.
Just go, oh, is anybody, is anybody else hot?
Oh, is anybody--
That's not easing it in.
That's just--
No, but it's just saying it.
And then if somebody elsesays yes, then you think,
oh, yeah, it's hot in here.
And if nobody, if everybodyelse goes, no, I'm all right,
it'd be, like, eh, I don't know.
[inaudible]
NARRATOR: Unfortunately,there's no one temperature that
keeps all the guests happy.
It's some kind of badge of honor
that you're sitting there freezing.
And no, I don't get it.
I'll go and get my coat.
I'll put my coat on, andI'll sit there like that.
Or I'll ask for brandy.
Or I'll just be like,oh, is anybody else cold?
Oh my god, it's so cold, it's so cold.
And if they're not picking up the hint,
I'm like, listen, turnthe heating on, you know.
There's no need for this,just turn the heating on.
NARRATOR: And if you thoughtthe temperature of the house
was a big deal, that's nothing compared to the decision
about what telly to watch.
Yeah, everything's brewing, and everything,
as the day or the days goon, those little stored-up
frustrations get played out over things like
what are we going to watch.
And it isn't really about whether you're
going to watch "The Bridge overthe River Kwai" or "Victoria
Wood's Christmas Special."
It's about how badly you havetreated me for the last
years we've known each other.
And you're going to do it again by insisting
we watch "Bridge over the RiverKwai" when I don't want to.
Now I'm prepared to let go of all
the humiliations andaggravations you've caused
me for the last years.
But I'm standing firm over "TheBridge over the River Kwai."
NARRATOR: Oh, I'm more of a"Bedknobs and Broomsticks" gal
myself, Stephen.
After days of constant bickering,
we start to feel a bit, well, out of sorts.
And is it any wonder?
We Brits love routine.
And at this time of year, our routine
is completely up the spout.
When are the bins being collected?
Does anyone know?
Does anyone care when thebins are being collected?
What time does the shop open?
Where am I going to get any milk?
It's, I think, as close to the zombie apocalypse
as you can get without actuallybeing bitten by a zombie.
I've never been in a coma, butI imagine it's like the period
between Christmas and New Year.
You're half-alive.
You're having very strange, recurring
visions because the same thing'shappening again and again.
And I think even people whohate work can't wait to go back.
The only thing you needto know about that period
is that the only conversation you will ever have
is, oh, I don't even know what day it is.
That's it.
That's all you need to know.
You don't need to talk about anything else,
don't even need to talk aboutthe weather for that few days
every year.
All you have to say is, you know,
I don't even know what day it is anymore.
Christmas is really quite boring.
That there isn't anything actually
left to say after the day afterBoxing Day, there's nothing.
And that's when a celebritydeath is really handy.
NARRATOR: Of course, allthis time on our hands does
tend to make us Brits indulgein one of our favorite pastimes,
pessimism.
We're always thinking of the disaster
that might happen around thecorner, which indeed it does.
You know, lots of things go wrong at Christmas.
I've often heard I've had aburst water pipe at Christmas,
which has been fantastic.
You know, the kitchen is flooded and then frozen.
[grumbling]
[muttering]
NARRATOR: So you've survived thus far,
you've put on the bestpart of a stone in weight,
you're barely on speaking terms with your family,
and you're beginning to feel trapped.
Eh!
The problem with being at someone else's house
is Christmas should be about relaxing,
but there's nothing kind of lessrelaxing than being a guest.
You feel like you have tobe on your best behavior.
You feel like you have tobe constantly complimenting,
apologizing, or thanking.
I mean, it's just thank you'sall day if you're a guest.
- Yeah. - Get up.
Have you got a towel for the shower?
Thank you for the towel.
Thank you for the chocolate money
that I didn't want to eat, but you've
given me as a kind of nodto the fact everyone else
has got a stocking.
Thank you for letting me, you know,
choose to watch "Wallace andGromit," even though that was,
at best, a compromised choice.
[laughing]
Well, I've stayed at myin-laws on Christmas Eve once.
I think me and Kevin were thefirst couple allowed to share
a bedroom before marriage.
That was a big deal.
But you do kind of feellike on your best behavior,
like, well, we can't really do anything,
just lie in bed and hold hands.
NARRATOR: No matter howmuch we want to get away,
some families will do anything to put
off your inevitable departure.
My mother, the minute Christmas is over,
the guilt trip starts to try and keep us
there for as long as possible.
So she starts laying on theguilt, quite a lot of feeding
you loads, so that you're so full
and you've got such terrible indigestion
that you can't leave the house.
If my mom could hobble meto keep me there till New
Year's, she definitely would.
She'd feed me really well, you know,
whilst I was there in bed with broken ankles.
She'd bring up nice leftoversandwiches, and you know,
we'd watch films and stuff.
But she wants to keep me there.
It's time to go now.
We get, we corner each otheron an upstairs landing.
We've got to go.
No, look, that's enough.
I think your father is going to k*ll me.
I saw him muttering and sharpening a Kn*fe.
He's just carving the turkey.
No, it's me, it's me he wants to k*ll.
I am always the one thatwants to leave before my wife.
And so, and she says,basically my wife is a traitor.
You know, we're at her family'splace now so it's up to her
to instigate this.
I can't, you can't at your otherhalf's relative's place go,
here we go, it's getting a bit boring, isn't it?
I think we-- can we wrap this up?
You can't do that.
So it's, all the onus is on your other half.
And she just won't do it.
It got to the point nowwe've had to agree a code,
like, a code so it's different every year.
When I start talking about"Star Wars," that means
I want to get the f*ck out of your mom's house,
and it still doesn't work.
I'll be talking about the ewoksbefore this woman's even picked
up the [inaudible] signal.
See ya.
Well, don't go.
You've go to be careful.
You've got to be, you've got tobe smart about it, all right.
Don't just go, oh, tomatoes, andthat means that we better go.
You've got to plan it.
I mean, it's the babysitter, isn't it?
It's, oh, no, I'm so sorry.
Oh, hold on, uh, oh, let me just check.
I'm sure it will be fine.
I'm sure it'll be fine becauseI know we were going to do
a board game, weren't we, yeah.
Um, let me just check because I really,
oh, I don't want to be on your team.
I'm just going to go andcheck everything's all right.
And then you come in and go, yeah, I don't think
I'm going to be able to stay.
I know, I'm sorry.
And then the thing that you can do
that is really selling itis you go to your partner,
why don't you stay?
This is genuinely a reallythoughtful, nice present.
I really regret what I got you.
Oh!
NARRATOR: But with this unremitting plethora
of problems, is it everpossible for us Brits to have
a fun time at Christmas?
No.
We have a fun time at Christmas because
of these very British problems.
They're the little eccentricities
and peculiarities that noone understands outside
of our little island, and which add up
to our unique, special magical Christmases.
Well, that was fun.
And to think, they wouldn't letme play Mary in the nativity.
[theme music]