02x02 - At School

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Very British Problems". Aired August 2015 - current.*
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"Very British Problems" is a humorous look at the British and their habits.
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02x02 - At School

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[music playing]

NARRATOR: Britain-- The homeof the British, million

of us bound together by the loveof a nice grab bag of crisps,

a brisk walk in the freshair, and pretending we're

busy so we don't have to see our friends.

Our history and culture are theenvy of the rest of the world.

But our weird behavior andcomplicated social codes

leave other nations utterly baffled.

Yes, prince or pauper, publican or politician,

we all spend every waking moment flustered,

flummoxed and frustratedby very British problems.

If you've ever been toopolite to recline your seat

in an airplane, shown how muchyou like someone by insulting

them, or lost sleep overwho you will be sat next to

at a wedding, then don't panic.

These are very Britishproblems, and you are not alone.

It's ridiculous.

But we do it, we do it because we're British.

NARRATOR: In this series, we'lltake a look at the hidden codes

that citizens of this islandare somehow hardwired to follow.

We fear looking arrogant.

I'm just terrified I'mgoing to say the wrong thing.

Please don't make a scene.

It's fine.

NARRATOR: And we will investigate

the logic behind ourbizarre British behavior.

Ooh, weird little sprites you.

NARRATOR: Yes, OK, we've got problems.

But they're our problems,very British problems.

The British and ourfucking love of tradition.

NARRATOR: In this episode, we'll take

a look at where it all wentwrong for us, our school days.

We'll focus our microscopeonto those crucial years that

turn us from friendly five-year-olds

to awkward -year-olds, the very birth place

of our very British problems.

[school bell ringing]

[playground chatter]

NARRATOR: Now the earliest lesson

us Brits take home from schooland never quite shake off

is the vital importance of notdrawing attention to yourself.

So next time you're stoodstaring awkwardly at your feet,

you can trace it right back to the playground.

Because school is all aboutrunning with the crowd.

School isn't about lessons in Britain.

School is about dealing with the playground.

It's about walking in andbeing able to join in with six

or seven of the pretty girls.

The worst thing that my mum ever

did to me throughout thewhole time I went to school

is, the very first day I started she'd

got me the official schoolbag.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Big no no, absolute big no no.

If you are [inaudible] years above,

and you've got a group ofnew year sevens coming in,

and you want to know which ones to pick on,

the ones with the official school bag.

I had it one day, and I gotcalled geek and everything.

NARRATOR: Don't listen to them.

I'm sure you'll look very smart.

In Germany, kids ontheir first day of school

get a cone full of sweets.

Here, you're more likely to get a dead arm.

What I do think is problematic is

going to the localcomprehensive when you've

got private school accent.

Because I turned up there--

[hyperventilating] hello, hopingto make some new friends here

at Hazelwood.

And then I got smacked up.

I wish somebody had sat down saying, all

right, look man [inaudible].

You are so punishable rightnow, it's unbelievable.

Are you taking a briefcase in?

Are you mental, mate?

Even being a vegetarian, youknow, my mom made me hummus

and avocado sandwiches,and the girl blurted out,

why can't you have ham and cheese?

You know like I failedon the sandwich criteria.

NARRATOR: In September,, budding Brits begin

their school careers,they arrive with one name,

but they often leave with another.

Friend of mine who had a nickname

at school, he's now in his s and people

still know him by this nickname.

And it was a nickname that he picked

up on the first day of schoolwhen he was years old.

He's got a wife, he'sgot kids, he's got a job.

But he's still known by everyone as Skids,

because when he got to school,they found out that his older

brother, who had left the school three

years ago-- someone had found skidmarks

in his older brother's pants.

So as the minute he arrived he was already,

he was already Skids.

His life had already been laidout in front of him, brutal.

NARRATOR: This British traditionof giving nicknames goes

back to before , when ordinary folk

didn't have some surnames.

Without nicknames, it would havebeen hard to tell people apart.

th century records mentioned men

known as Bad in the Head, RottenHerring, and Always Drunk.

I realized recently how not many of my friends

call me by my real name.

I've had a lot of things like why does

that person call you Minky?

I don't know, to be honest.

I think it's veryBritish to give nicknames.

Normally not very nice ones.

Fat German was one ofmine, so fat like a German.

Friends call me the cowminator.

They used to call meJaffa Cake Nips, Jaffnips.

Because you know when you go through puberty,

you get big nips.

I was terrible at sports, to a point where

I got nicknamed Bent Foot.

My brother had a spotty back.

He was Doubleback.

Horrible, isn't it?

And Joe was Dogshit Breath.

Because he once had bad breath.

That stuff follows youabout, dogshit especially.

NARRATOR: Kids, ifthey're being horrid, you

just go and tell your teacher--

unless your teacher is going to give

you a nickname, too, of course.

I was like huge as a kid, like really fat.

I did judo classes at school.

There was only one other kid that

was big enough to support me.

He was this big, fat white guy.

And whenever we were sparring,they'd say, all right,

Coffee and Cream to the mat.

It's racially unacceptable,but at that time

we all didn't think anything of it.

Just thought it was really funny,

but nicknamed Coffee and Cream.

It's weird actually,because whenever anyone else

was fighting, everyone fought.

And then we were the lastbout, and it would just be us.

I'm starting to think now I talk about it,

it was just a spectacle thing--

oh, guys, sit around.

Coffee and Cream are going to fight.

Look at these two fat pricks.

NARRATOR: There's one consolation though.

If you started off anonymousamongst a sea of other Daves,

you're going to be morememorable as the only Knobby.

In fact, earning a nickname is often schoolboy code

for we like you, and probably means you've

acquired yourself a few mates.

I think nicknames are affectionate for British

people, because it's like, oh, you know,

I only monkey because I like you.

But there's nothing nice aboutbeing called Jaffa Cake Nips,

is there?

I think I'd rather not beliked than people shouting

Jaffnips at me, wouldn't you?

NARRATOR: You've come to school to learn.

So you might think you'dbe rewarded and respected

for doing well at it.

Nope, not in Britain.

It's quite an interesting point where

you decide as a youngster,do you want to be cool

or do you want to be clever?

Now I always thought it wascool to be clever, it's not,

as it turns out.

When you're a teenager, you're kind of expected

to be quite cool about school.

You're kind of expected to be a bit

disdainful and a bit rebelliousand not want to obey the rules.

And I never got that memo.

So I was that really annoying girl

in the class who was always going,

me, me, I know, I know, I've read this.

And actually I readsomething else about that,

which you didn't even ask us to read,

but I just sort of read it.

In UK school, you learn how not to look

like you're actually trying.

If you're like this all day long,

you'll be m*rder*d at lunchtime by the rest.

You'll be dragged down to the[inaudible] of the playground

and m*rder*d.

NARRATOR: Showing up yourpeers, who might happen

to be a bit less academic,is a sure fire means

to make yourself unpopular.

In fact, as we grow up, wefind the way to win hearts

may be to do completely the opposite.

Compared to a lot of other cultures,

we don't sort of celebrate cleverness.

It's almost seen to be a suspicious thing.

I mean I remember Princess Diused to joke the whole time

about how she's [inaudible] her levels

and sort of she was really--

it was like she was quite proud of it.

NARRATOR: So you can pretendto be dumb to become popular.

Well, some of you won't have to pretend.

But how else can you win friends and influence

people in a British school?

Easy-- impress everyonewith your sporting prowess.

At my school, the thingsthat you were celebrated for

were rugby and cricket.

Didn't learn f*ck all at allother than playing football.

I was like when I get into the top year,

I'm going to get into the football team.

And then a bloody American guy turned up,

and he was really good at soccer.

So he got onto the team, and I didn't.

But it's fine, I'm over it.

It hurts me every day.

NARRATOR: Although being good atsports is a definite advantage,

% of British schoolchildrendon't enjoy physical education

at all, maybe because it can sometimes

be physically dangerous.

Goalposts used to have, for the nets,

used to have these littlehooks all the way up the post.

And I climbed onto the crossbar.

And then when I got down, I slid down

the post, which of course is just sliding

all the way through the hooks.

And I split my scrotum apart andmy testicle fell onto the turf.

And people thought it was arugby ball and ran off with it.

And scored a try.

A [inaudible] came along.

Mr. Magoo came along andsmacked it with a golf club.

[laughter]

NARRATOR: Ooh, poor Bob.

That would then affect him in later life.

Still it's not half as badas forgetting your kit.

I can remember verydefinitely thinking if I haven't

got my kit, I don't have do PE.

And then going to get a kitout of the lost property.

That is horrific.

I mean that was just the worst.

You have someone's shortsthat hasn't been washed

or a rugby top that hasn't been washed.

And it's smelly or it's wet or it's damp.

And then you've like these tight shorts

that can't go up your legs.

And then ah.

It's just awful.

You know, where particularlyif you're my size,

because you're not goingto find anything that fits.

So I can remember playing rounders in like a /

length cut off vest.

And some shorts that Ihope were stained with mud,

but I'm still not sure.

You don't forget your kit again after that.

It works.

NARRATOR: There goes the bell for break.

Hope you've enjoyed your first day at school

and have been suitably scarred for life.

[school bell ringing]

NARRATOR: So we've got throughour first few years of school

and dipped our toes in the chlorinated pool

of anxiety and awkwardness.

Next lesson on the timetable, adolescence.

Us Brits are one of the leastconfident nations in Europe.

% of us suffer from gelotophobia, the fear

of people laughing atus, compared with just %

of the super confident Danes.

And it all starts with the first day of games.

PE changing rooms were excruciating, really

embarrassing.

If I go to hell, it willlook like the changing

room at my school.

NARRATOR: Yes, it's changing rooms

before and after PE when everything

starts to get a bit hairy.

Growing up was reallyawkward when you hit puberty.

And it's like everybody was having

their puberty around me, apart from me,

and I was like, oh, my gosh.

Like people would say stuff,and [inaudible] my friend

Justin was like, have you--

have you got pubic hair?

And he was like, of course.

And I was like, yeah, yeah,yeah, oh, yeah, I've got it.

I was just checking that you'vegot it, because I've got it.

Pubes were huge.

Who's got pubes?

Who's getting pubes?

Who hasn't got pubes?

He's got pubes?

Why haven't I got pubes?

I remember a real joke, youknow, apparently James Corden

found a pube last night.

And then he pissed out of it.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

The showers at school werea daily update on how everyone

was getting on with puberty.

Oh, see Simon.

Simon looks like a gorilla, whereas Norris

is still in nappies.

NARRATOR: It's not just our hairthat grows at different rates.

The post-PE shower gives everyone

the chance to find out where they

stand in the pecking order.

I'll never forget thescariest moment of school

was getting ready to go in nakedand the first couple heads.

And then like somebody just going like, oh, my god,

someone's got a small d*ck.

And it was just like, oh, my god,

I'm putting my shorts back on.

Because I can guarantee thatI think I've got a small d*ck.

So I definitely think it'sgoing to be smaller than his.

And it was horrible.

It was just the idea thatgod, that could have been me.

You'd have the girlswith massive knockers at .

And then you'd have like the ones

who didn't get any until like and stuff, and you'd be like,

aw.

NARRATOR: Yes, while the boys are struggling

with their manhoods, wegirls have got our very own

very British problems.

For gym we wore knickersover our own knickers.

And if you had your period, yougot to wear your tennis skirts.

So everyone knew that you had your period.

It was awful.

It was so embarrassing.

One of my best friends at school, I think,

we learned a lot by letting her do it first.

I think with tampons,she used the whole thing.

And had to go to the school nurse.

She put everything in there-- the wrapper,

the cardboard, everything.

But you're not supposed to do that.

And so she had to have it removed.

NARRATOR: UK parents aredunces when it comes to talking

to their kids about puberty,whereas our Dutch neighbors are

happy to talk testosterone over the dinner table,

studies have shown the vastmajority of British parents

would rather never mentionthe subject at all.

It's interesting that some cultures

celebrate the onset of puberty.

There's a big party at .

The bar mitzvah, for example, is like, hey,

you're about to get pubes.

Hooray!

But we don't celebrate until you're .

Then it's OK, because thatmessy business of puberty

is now over.

Come on.

Come on, [inaudible].

NARRATOR: And it's around thistime in our school careers

that we Brits don't just noticethe changes in our own bodies,

but in our classmates, too.

There was a girl at our school,

if you took her a walnut whip,she'd let you feel her boobs.

% true.

And there was a cue of about four of us once.

Here's your walnut whip.

And you'd go around the side of the house,

and you'd just put your handson just for a walnut whip.

I was at the railway lines me and me mate.

And we met these two girls,one was in the year above me.

She said, look, if we got in this pillbox

here, at the side of the railwayline, and I drop me trousers,

would you drop yours?

And I said, yeah, but you go first.

So she dropped her trousers,and then we ran off.

And she couldn't pull her trousers

up quick enough to catch us.

But I will tell you what?

If she caught us, she wouldhave kicked sh*t out of us.

She was massive.

NARRATOR: It's fair to say thatdiscussing personal matters

doesn't come particularlyeasy to us Brits.

Only % of our teenagers gettheir initial sex education

from their parents, with the vast majority

picking it up from school.

Here, maybe a diagram will help.

Here's the penis.

Sex education in school is like the pinnacle of

awkwardness in British school.

If you had to show an alienrace what awkward was,

just show them sex educationbeing told by a British teacher

in a British school.

[inaudible]

NARRATOR: Innuendo is a staple of British humor.

And it's probably because wecan't bring ourselves to use

the correct biological terms.

Even our very own Shakespeare used

different words for penis.

When I was taught sex education,

the mention of the word penis--

I'm out of commission for about minutes

just laughing at that.

So I'm not going to be in a position

to take on any more informationbecause you said penis.

I'm sorry.

You're going to have to likeextend the lesson or something,

but even then I've said extendand that's making me laugh.

I could not stop laughing the whole time.

When I became a teacher I had to counter that.

So what you do is you say penis.

That gets a laugh.

And then you go, what otherwords are there for penis,

and just get rid of that.

So people are going cock,monster, pee pee, dicky, wang,

fang, dong.

Sex education is hard enough.

But our science teacher, theperson who gave us that talk

was called Mr. Silcock.

Come on.

Give us a break.

Winky dink, winky wank, plunger,

big mushroom, purple-headedmonster, baby's arm.

Do you know what I mean?

You have to do that.

Get it all flushed out of the system.

NARRATOR: We know that no onelikes a clever [inaudible]

in the British classroom, but sex ed

is the one subject where the more you know,

the more kudos you get.

A representative from a tampon firm

came to my school to round up the girls

and have a more frank discussion about sex.

And I remember she waffledon about sperm for a bit.

And we all just stared at her.

And then my friend put herhand up genuinely, and said,

so can I get pregnant if he comes in me mouth?

And then the woman never said another word.

Just packed up all of her tampons and left.

NARRATOR: Now if it'sembarrassing for the children

being taught, British sex education is absolutely

mortifying for the teachers.

So they keep the whole subject completely dry,

and no pun intended.

[typewriter clacking]

I mean it's awkward.

We all know those diagramsof the sliced in half penis,

flaccid, with the tube comingthrough it and the testes.

And then there's thegirl reproductive organs,

that diagram.

[inaudible] tubes andtwo sex glands are ovaries.

It didn't tell you anything.

I mean it showed you the internal bit of it.

That's not what you want to--

I don't want to know how closeit's getting to the cervix

from a diagram on the TV, doing the projector.

Because that's veryrarely what you think about.

[laughter]

NARRATOR: So we're a little repressed

when talking about sex.

What's the big deal?

No harm done.

We started when we were about , .

And there was a girl sittingnext to me, pregnant,

in our first sex education class.

She was there pregnant.

And there I was getting acondom on a banana, I think.

That horse has bolted, mate.

I think we're wasting our time here.

NARRATOR: So we're halfwaythrough our education

and those VBPs from schoolare really stacking up.

We're embarrassed about our bodies.

We can't talk about sex.

And some of us have even got pregnant.

NARRATOR: We're taking a look at our weird ways

and winding the clock back to the place

where we pick them all up--

school.

British education is amystery to other nations.

I find the British school system really confusing.

Because you've got like public schools,

which aren't public schools.

They're only public schools ifyou've got like grand a year

to go to them.

And then there's private schools, which

aren't really private schools.

And then you've got academiesand coeds and all sorts

of grammar schools.

In Ireland, we have just one.

And it's just like, the nuns.

NARRATOR: And nothing's moredifferent about our schools

than how we dress.

% of secondary schools wear good old

traditional schooluniform, compared with only

one fifth of American ones.

[inaudible] scruffy.

In America, you've got theemos, and you've got the goths,

and you've got the cool dudes,you've got the hipsters.

You've got all these littlemicrocosms of fashion

at the age of or .

If you wear a uniform in a school in America,

you're in a militaryAcademy or reform school.

We haven't got school uniformsin Canada, and I love them.

It makes the children look more serious,

like they're ready to learn.

They're in like little suits almost,

little skirts and knee highs.

And in Canada, we rolled up in tracksuits

and a school that costsnothing and taught us nothing.

NARRATOR: School uniformsfirst appeared in Britain

in the th century when thepoorest pupils were dressed

in cheap, long blue coats.

years later, they'restill wearing the same uniform

at Christ's Hospital School in West Sussex,

though hopefully they've given it a wash.

Uniform matters to the British, as it

teaches our children to conform from their very

first day of school.

From a very early age, you are taught lessons

that, whether you like it or not,

stay with you for the rest of your life.

We get them when they're young.

That's what we do.

We'll oppress them when we're young,

and then they're like that forever.

NARRATOR: School uniforms are virtually

unheard of in the rest of Europe.

So our continental cousinsstart experimenting

with their own clothes when very young.

The only fashion dilemma for the British people

is how to wear your tie.

I had no fashion sense whatsoever.

To me, clothes were just thingsthat stopped you being naked.

NARRATOR: And at no time isour lack of style more apparent

than the one day a term whenBritish kids are allowed

to wear their casual clothes.

Some schools call this MuftiDay, which is British army

slang for civilian gear.

Mufti Day?

Mufti Day.

You don't call it Mufti Day?

No, I didn't.

It's called Mufti Day, isn't it?

No.

- It is. - No.

It's just non-uniform day.

Mufti Day.

Dress down day. No, dress down day.

Mufti.

What's What's the mufti bit about?

I don't know.

Like still to this day the thought

of a poncho makes me just feel so-- it

makes me feel hysterical.

The idea that I'm going tohave to put it on and then

walk into the middle ofBishop Goodwin Junior School

and have all the girls laugh.

I just can't.

I can't.

But these are forms of experiences,

you have to have this.

Bat wing cardigan, becausethat was very slimming,

isn't it?

[inaudible] bat wing cardiganand culottes, culottes.

I looked like MC Hammer.

A t-shirt and shorts withJason Donovan and Kylie

Minogue's faces on them.

And the words it's best to leave to you.

But that was kind of like thedeath of my fashion innocence.

NARRATOR: Never mind, Francesca.

If there's one thing worse thanwalking up in terrible clothes,

it's forgetting it'snon-uniform day altogether.

You'd come in with your uniform on.

If you come in with your uniform on--

You're not getting away with it.

No.

Seeing a child walk on to the bus,

he sees everyone's in their Mufti.

His face drops.

And you know he's about to have the eight

worst hours of his life.

NARRATOR: We can leave the sartorial decisions

to our parents, butthere's a good chance that

will have disastrous results.

Came home and I said, mom, in two

weeks time, Harvest Festival.

We're doing a parade through the town.

I need to be a squirrel.

Two weeks later, Sunday night, Mom, have

you got my squirrel outfit?

The costume's tomorrow.

My mom went white in her face.

And her eyes changing a way that said,

I have never given this a second thought.

I went to school the nextday in a brown jumper,

a pair of my sister's leggings.

And my mom got a pair of tights,put one leg inside the other

and filled it with socks, balls of socks,

and safety pinned it to my arse.

So it just flopped on the floor,basically I looked like a boy

wearing my sister'sleggings having the biggest

sh*t you've ever seen.

Even the bullies at schooldidn't bully me for it,

because they looked at me and were like,

his mum's done him in there.

NARRATOR: Whatever odd British tradition

we're celebrating at school, ourparents always have the power

to amplify the embarrassment.

I remember that it was tradition

that if it was yourbirthday, you'd get egged

on your way out of school.

They were chasing me.

Eggs were flying all around me.

And then I got to the car,my mom jumped out of the car.

Just started b*ating the sh*t out

of those kids with her handbag.

Like leave him alone!

Leave him!

Like that is, Mom, do you thinkthis will help or hinder me

getting bullied in the future?

NARRATOR: Whether we like them or not,

it's school where we developour British addiction

to traditions and rules.

We'd have house lineup.

So we'd have it like the army.

So we'd have to stand to attention,

and then we'd do a right turn.

And then we had to march to lunch.

You're not allowed to lean back on your chair.

I never quite understood that.

Has anyone ever d*ed from that?

You never hear Jane's husband passed away.

Oh, what?

What happened?

He was at work, and he was just leaning,

leaning back on his chair.

And it tipped over, crushed his skull,

as is so often the case whenyou fall backwards off a chair.

And he passed away, left her nothing, tragic.

It's really only at school thatthe fear of falling off a chair

exists.

NARRATOR: Actually, Jack,almost , children

a year visit hospital withchair rocking injuries.

But there's more to schoolthan just the classroom.

It's great fun being atschool when this kind of thing

happens.

Every year, [inaudible] highschool have a trip to East

[inaudible].

NARRATOR: Every year million kids pick up

million lunchboxes, jump on a coach,

and escape the school premises.

I just remember schooltrips, just getting so excited.

It's just the sheer excitement.

No one's ill on a school trip day.

When you hear someone's notcoming on a school trip day,

then you're like, oh, they're definitely ill.

NARRATOR: The first recordedBritish school trip took place

in , when a geographyteacher discovered that none

of his pupils had ever seen a glacier before,

and so marched them off toSwitzerland for a month.

That's all right.

Any ice in the stream willget caught up in the shoe.

NARRATOR: And for some nations, the school trip

still lives up to the hype.

But not over here, naturally.

We all got to go to Washington, DC

on a bus for four days.

It was great.

We partied like crazy.

And it was the best holiday ever.

My kid, on the other hand,went to the Isle of Wight,

the island that fun forgot.

Every year the girls make a study

of this section of the coastas part of their curriculum.

We're going to go to the Jurassic Coast.

Oh!

I've been watching "Jurassic Park."

We're going to hunt for dinosaurs.

I'm like, oh, my god, this is the best.

Basically it's pissing down.

It's wringing wet.

It's the middle of November, I'm standing

on what was apparently a beach, shoveling,

looking for dinosaur bones.

Right?

And I'm not a pessimist.

I'm kind of an optimistic person,

but I think they've alreadyfound them all there.

I grew up in High Wycombe,where we had a chair museum.

Which as I'm sure you can imagine,

has one very constant thingthat runs throughout it which

is that they're all chairs.

NARRATOR: Viking centers in the cold, castles

in the cold, everything had to have

an educational value to it.

And there would usually be a test

afterwards to make sure we'dhad all of the educational value

out of the school trip.

At the Horticultural Hall Westminster,

the Schoolboy Zoneexhibition is open again.

Just don a space suit and a goldfish bowl,

and you can be off on a journey through time.

NARRATOR: So let's see whatlessons we Brits really

take away from our school trip.

The greatest thing that everhappened when I was at school

was that we went to abig adventure theme park.

And one of my friends gotfingered in the haunted house.

[screaming]

[laughter]

It was amazing.

We talked about for about weeks.

NARRATOR: We've had our firsttrip and our first fumble.

And it's time for another first--

getting drunk.

We Brits are the biggestbinge drinkers in Europe,

and it all starts in our schooldays.

I just remember that the firsttime you have a drink you just

feel like this kind of wonderfuland magical being, don't you?

And suddenly it's just likeeverything is possible.

I can speak to any boy.

I am the greatest dancer.

Look at me.

Here I am, Grace Dent, hello.

And then you wake up the next morning,

and you're just like,[inaudible] in your hair.

NARRATOR: French children often try

watered down wine at home withtheir parents from a young age.

But in Britain, we don't see alcohol

as a shared and relaxed family experience.

For us, drinking is a badge of honor.

It's part of the processof stopping being a kid

and becoming your own person.

So you start to make decisionsthat are separate from what

your parents are advising you.

You start to take mattersinto your own hands.

And that often can end up withyou vomiting for four hours,

but it was your decision.

NARRATOR: If drinking is a way to lose

one's social inhibitions, then it's

no surprise we uptight Brits have

to drink more than anyone else.

Research has found that overa quarter of British teens

have been drunk the previous month, compared

to % of young Europeans.

The first time I got properly drunk I was

staying in my sister's flat.

She had gone away, and sheleft bottles of homebrew.

But it was fearsome stuff.

And having never really been drunk before,

I was more drunk than I have ever been since.

I remember rolling around onthe carpet sort of shouting,

I don't know what.

And I don't know at whom.

And then I started being sick, and I

continued to be sick for a very, very long time.

I fell in love with it straight away.

It was cider.I spewed it up in me wardrobe.

[laughter]

I spewed it all up in me wardrobe,

but I knew that was the future.

Interestingly, that also led me on.

Because I didn't clean itup very well and some mold

grew in it.

And then for a few years I usedto grow mold in me bedroom.

Used to get a little[inaudible] or something.

[inaudible] wee wee in, anythingyou can think of to put in.

And grow big plumes of mold.

And that all came from the booze.

And drink it?

No, I didn't drink it.

It looks really pretty.

NARRATOR: But none of us are any the worse

for it really, apart fromthe , British teens

who get admitted to hospitalwith alcohol poisoning

every year.

I was over at my mate's house.

His mother was out.

Southern Comfort, Dr.Pepper, we thought it seemed

like a f*cking brilliant idea.

Had a pint of it and had me stomach pumped.

Don't remember f*ck all other than waking

up in hospital with memother sobbing her heart out.

I learned me f*cking lesson there.

Yeah.

NARRATOR: So let's just go through your grades.

That's an A for alcohol abuse, but only

an F for fashion sense.

We're nearing the end of our school career.

And we should be preparingourselves for the real world

struggles of adulthood.

But we're British, so we cannever talk about the things

that really matter.

Brits in school are institutionalized.

They're taught how to think rationally.

They're taught how to think laterally.

They're crammed with factsand figures and theories.

So you come away with an education in Britain,

and you know a lot of stuff.

But you have no social skills whatsoever, none.

NARRATOR: Unlike our European neighbors,

Britain still retains around single sex schools.

So it's hardly surprisingrelations with the opposite sex

are often fraught with tension.

I went from an all boys school to a mixed school

when I changed school.

I had to meet the headmasterat the new school.

And he was having a chat withme, and all I was thinking was,

I can't believe there's going to be gilrs here.

It was all I could think about.

That's it.

That's all that matters.

Get girls, be aroundgirls, how do I get girls?

The world was a certain way.

It was fine.

It was mates andfootball and that was it.

And then suddenly, it's all gone, irrelevant.

It's just girls.

NARRATOR: Also unlike therepressed Brits with our system

built on segregation of the sexes,

the relaxed Americans consider it their duty

to pack the timetable with events that will

bring boys and girls together.

At schools in America, there is always

something that you can asksomeone specifically to do,

whether it's the prom or a dance or a party.

Whereas here it's just kind of like,

hey, hey, want to get together sometime.

And do what?

Where are we going to go?

I haven't thought about that.

I just wanted to know if you would

just actually like me enough to want

to spend some time with me.

NARRATOR: In the last decade,we Brits have slowly started

to embrace the American prom.

But the humble disco is stillthe basic British school

get together.

And our social confidence still lags

way behind the United States.

There's always gendersegregation at these things,

where all the girls weredown one side of the hall.

And then all the boyswould be on the other side.

And then you get one guy, it was never me,

there's some guy who's like thealpha of the group that would

make his way across the hall.

And you just think, oh, mygod, I wish I was you man.

I wish I was you.

But I'm not.

I'm me.

And it's so depressing.

I was shy.

Too shy to go up to someone.

I didn't know what you did.

Did you put a formal request in?

Did you just sort of leanover with your tongue wagging

out the front of your mouth?

Did you grab their boobs?

I had no idea.

No one sort of tells you what to do.

So I would always justskulk in the corner, really.

NARRATOR: So why do weemotionally stunted Brits

put ourselves through this t*rture?

Simple, we're all hoping for a good ol' Frenchy.

Kissing was banned by King Henry VI in

because he thought itwas spreading the plague.

Even without the prospect of disease,

young Brits lack confidencein their snogging skills.

I remember on "Going Live," they

used to have a bit on "Going Live" about kids

write in with problems.

And I remember they always used to have

the same one, which was a kid going,

I don't know how to kiss.

And they'd always go, well, what you

do to practice, get your hand like that

and then kiss your hand.

That isn't a technique!

There's no way of practicing.

No.

First of all, tongue the girl,which is a lot of teeth action,

really, to be honest.

The little social club, alittle club for naughty kids.

I tongued her up againsta wall and just basically

we just smashed our teeth into each other

for about minutes.

My first snog was this girl at school.

She wrote me a note, meet me in the toilets.

I was like why?

Why do I have to meet in the toilets?

Well, she was there.

And then I was like, OK, what's up?

What did you want? "Kiss me."

And I was like--

[makes kissing sound]

She's like, no.

And she grabbed me.

She's like, open your mouth.

So I was like.

Close your eyes.

Open your mouth.

It was like really weird.

And then she kissed me,and I was like, oh, my god.

This is like saliva-- like wet.

Do I like it?

Am I doing it right?

I thought what you do is you held your breath

for as long as possible and rammed

your face into someone else's.

And that's what I did until I was like--

[gasping]

We Brits have always been less experienced

than our European peers.

The term French kiss was coinedby British Tommies who copped

up with local girls during World w*r I.

And even today, we think ofthose French as a bit exotic.

My first kiss was with--

on a French exchange.

And it was with a French boy.

I didn't want to do this tongue thing.

And I remember saying, pas avec la--

pas avec, pas avec.

And I remember coming away from that feeling,

and I remember these wordsgoing through my head,

you're a woman now.

You're a woman.

Because you've kissedBoris in the woods sans la.

NARRATOR: First base out of the way,

next on the agenda for British teens

is losing their virginity.

Danes, Fins and Icelanders typically

have sex for the first time age ,

whereas British cherries don't tend to pop

until we're years old.

But we do take a lot of mock exams beforehand.

Well, my first wank was Madonna.

I was a big fan of Madonna.

So it wasn't the girls in school for me

first pedal, as you call it.

It was over Madonna,mid-'s when she was fit.

Not now, I wouldn't wank over her now.

She looks f*cked.

NARRATOR: That's a shame, Danny.

Heard she likes a bit of rough.

Now for your final test, it's important you pack

a rubber in your pencil case.

% of us sensible Brits use a condom

for our first sexual experience,compared with just half

of young Italians.

I went to a party once and it was

before I had any idea of what you do with girls,

or anything like that.

But I'd heard that you had totake a Johnny bag just in case.

And me dad dropped me off.

And as I got out of thecar, it fell onto the floor.

And he said, I thinkyou've forgotten something.

And I said, I don't know whatthat is or where it came from

or anything.

Shut the door and went on.

I'd have to say, I don'teven know who you are.

I'm sorry. Goodbye.

NARRATOR: So with all thepreparations complete,

it's the small matter offinding someone to do it with.

And it seems we're not picky.

Only one in seven young British men

say they were in love with the person they

lost their virginity to, compared with half

of all young Dutchmen.

I don't know if you rememberwhen Peter Krauss scored

his first goal for Liverpool?

And it was a mess-- it wasn't a good goal.

It was a massive deflection.

It's just getting off themark, really, isn't it?

There was a lot of bragging.

There's a lot of people who claim

they lost their virginity onholiday to a French person

that you'll never meet.

Last Friday, I think it was.

It was a long time after school days, long time.

It was a long bleak period.

In fact, I remember--

I do remember owning some condoms

that I had to throw away becausethey went past their sell

by date.

That's how exciting my sexlife was as a teenager.

There was two girls in mymath class having a competition

to lose their virginity first.

Right?

They sat either side of me.

And they didn't lose it to me.

How do you think that made me feel?

Imagine that, being in themiddle of a competition?

No, didn't want to know.

Degrading, isn't it?

NARRATOR: / of Dutch parents let

their -year-olds haveboyfriends and girlfriends

to stay in their rooms.

British teens aren't so lucky, especially when

it comes to their first time.

It was on the beach becausethat's the only place we could

go in Broadstairs at night.

I thought, that seemed to go pretty well.

I do remember that she got up then,

and ran-- because it was summer,and she ran into the sea.

I thought, oh, my god, she'sgoing to commit su1c1de.

Was it that bad?

But then she came back, andshe said, yeah, it was fine.

Oh, losing my virginity was actually horrendous.

Because it happened in the back of a Fiesta.

And she wasn't a small girl.

And a Fiesta weren't exactly,it's not a roomy car.

It's not a QashQai, for example.

And she drove me home afterwards.

I'll never forget,Blackstreet, "No Diggity"

was the first song I heardafter losing my V plates.

And I remember, I just sat there.

And I was quite, likeshaken by the whole thing.

And then that came on.

And I was just like, I wasso chuffed with myself.

But I remember walking in, mydad going, where have you been?

I was just like, nowhere.

Figured he'd just turn around and go, oh, lost

your V plates, have you boy?

I can see you've got a glow about you.

He just wouldn't stopped being weird.

And that was it.

NARRATOR: So what lessonsdid we learn today?

Well, we turn up at the school gates

as a fresh faced and innocent -year-old,

and leave a decade later as a jaded,

anxious, awkward teenager,riddled with "Very British

Problems."

In Britain, school teaches youeverything about how to behave

and how to be.

I'm deeply worried when anyonetells me they're home schooled.

They have never had theirface pushed down a toilet

for wearing the wrong trainers.

NARRATOR: Because we don'tjust learn our times tables

and capital cities, we alsopick up those unspoken rules

of behavior that we'llcarry with us for the rest

of our lives, long after we've forgotten

the capital of Namibia.

I want to say Maputo.

Oh, no, hang on.

That's Mozambique.

Don't forget-- we're allpretending like we're adults.

We're all pretending likewe're adults, like we've

moved on in our lives.

We can all remember who fingered who,

and how many times you got fingered.
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