05x11 - Paper Lion

[bunniefuu]

Johnny mathis: ♪ I bet
we've been together ♪

♪ For a million years ♪

Deniece williams: ♪ and I
bet we'll be together ♪

♪ For a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like I
started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

Both: ♪ and I can't remember ♪

♪ What I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ We can't love
each other through ♪

♪ Ooh hoo ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ Sha la la la ♪

Dad, can I have the
keys to the car, please?

I have to go to the mall and
get andy some new clothes.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

Alex just took andy
shopping yesterday.

He's got a whole
wardrobe full of clothes.

Mom, what if he wants to
wear something casual?

Oh, mallory, please.

Children's clothes
are incredibly expensive.

We shopped for him.
Then alex shopped for him.

Shopping's over.

Andy, where'd you
get that outfit?

Alex says this is what
all the kids are wearing.

This is his most casual
outfit, by the way.

Everything else can only
be worn at a coronation.

Look, dad, we're not gonna
spend any more money, ok?

We're just gonna
return what alex bought

And just get him some
normal kid's clothes. That's all.

All right, all right, but
be back within an hour.

We're starting dinner.

Yeah, ok.

Don't forget seat belts.

Yeah, don't worry.

Whoa. Hey, I see you got

Your rough-and-tumble
outfit on, huh?

Goin' out to play a little ball?

Yeah. Baseball.

Don't you be afraid
to slide in that gear.

That's what it's for.

Alex, there's a message here
for you. Professor rhodes called.

He'll be coming by sometime
today with the final data.

Whoa, this is incredible.

Do you realize what this means?

Well, it's just a wild guess,

But, uh, I'd say it means
that professor rhodes

Will be coming by sometime
today with the final data.

Nice try, dad.

That's not right?

Well, that's just
the tip of the iceberg.

Look, if professor rhodes says

He's coming by today
with the final data,

It means he's made a breakthrough
on our research project.

My name is gonna be on a
paper with dr. Lloyd rhodes,

My idol, my mentor,

The father of
rhodesian economics.

I wonder if his name
should go first.

Congratulations, honey. I know
how hard you've worked on this paper.

Oh, and, mom, do you
know this could put me

In line for the wilson award

For outstanding achievement
in student research?

It's the first jewel
in the triple crown,

Followed by the mckinley
award for grade-point average

And the adams for
neatness and appearance.

[Knock on door]

Oh, I got it. I got it.

Hey, hey, professor
rhodes, come on in. Welcome.

Thank you, alex.

Listen, I'd like you
to meet my parents,

Steven and elyse keaton.

Professor. Well, hello.

Very nice to meet you.

Hi. Alex has told
us a lot about you.

Well, you have quite a
remarkable young man here.

Yeah, and alex has
told us that, too.

You know, i... I really
shouldn't tell you this, alex,

But I think your
contribution to this paper

Is gonna get you
the wilson award

For outstanding
research achievement.

The wilson award, sir.

Thought never entered my mind.

As emcee at awards night,

You're liable to be
presenting it to yourself.

Ooh, I like that. I like that.

That way, no one else's
fingerprints'll get on it.

Well, alex, here
it is, the final data.

Do you realize what
I'm holding here?

Well, I've been b*rned on
this one before, but, uh...

But I'm gonna take a wild guess

And say, uh, the final data.

Nice try, mr. Keaton.

But it's much more than that.

It's the culmination
of my life's work.

It's the logical
conclusion of years

Devoted to the
field of economics.

And my name's gonna be on it.

And my name is going first.

I gotta tell you, professor rhodes,
this is a stunning piece of work.

"The concept of
diminishing marginal returns

"Must be reassessed
in light of the elasticity

Of consumer demand..."

"Given variable interest
rates in the post-keynesian era."

I'm sorry. It's just
so damn beautiful.

Well, alex, you're certainly

The most passionate
e-economics assistant I've ever had.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

It's just that, uh,
economics is my life,

And it's just so
thrilling for me

To be able to work with you,

Spend time with you.

Uh, let's keep the
hugging to a minimum, alex.

Oh. Sorry.

Although I can understand
your enthusiasm.

I mean, you... You
have a real talent.

You know, you could be
one of the great economists

Of your generation.

Please don't hug me.

Oh, professor rhodes, I'd
like you to meet my sisters.

This is jennifer, this
is mallory, and this is...

Who is this?

What happened to you?

Sad, isn't it?

I do not want a
-year-old brother

Who looks like mad max.

I do not want a
-year-old brother

Who looks like
winston churchill.

Professor rhodes,
back me up on this.

Oh, I kind of like
what he's wearing.

Wh-where does a person
like me get an outfit like that?

At the hip toddler.

Why don't you guys
be on your way, huh?

Well, good luck with
your economics homework.

Mallory, mallory,
come here. Come here.

This is hardly
economics homework.

This will be a landmark
economic treatise.

"An econometric analysis

Of the household's
intemporal allocation

Under additive preferences."

Now I'm interested.

Actually, it's much more
interesting than it sounds.

You see, underneath
all of that jargon,

There's a basic concept

That might relate to you much
more readily than you imagine.

Professor rhodes,
you have no idea

Who you're dealing with here.

Here. L-let me explain.

Here. Sit down, mallory.

Look, say that you
went to the store

To buy a particular skirt

And there was a
blouse in that store

That would only
go with the skirt.

This is scary.

Now say that the price of
the skirt rose dramatically

And you couldn't
afford it anymore.

Would you still
wanna buy the blouse?

Why would I want a blouse
if I had nothing to go with it?

Exactly. Now you
understand the concept

Of cross-elasticity of demand.

What happened to the skirt?

No, no. That was
just an example.

What color was the skirt?

It doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter?

Excuse me, sir. With
all due respect,

You don't know the first
thing about economics.

Don't feel bad,
professor rhodes.

You were taking economics

Where no man has gone before.

Listen, I have to run.

You've got all of the
raw data here, alex.

All you have to do is to put it
under the proper subheadings,

And by gosh, our
paper is ready to go.

It'll be a pleasure
and an honor, sir.

Eh, hug understood.

Hi, honey.

I can't believe the
outfits they bought.

A little boy should not be
sleeping in sequined pajamas.

He looks like liberace's son.

The girls' intentions were good.

Wish I could say the
same thing for their taste.

What do they expect

Shopping at a store
called the hip toddler?

Well, it's better than
where alex took him...

The corporate toddler.

This is all wrong.

Can't believe you're still
working on that same project.

What is it, alex?

This... This is crazy.

These... These
figures don't add up.

They just don't support

Professor rhodes' hypothesis.

Is it possible you
miscalculated?

Come on, mom, i-i've gone over these
things a hundred different ways.

It's just not gonna work.

Do you realize what this means?

I'm not falling for
that a third time.

It means I'm gonna have
to tell professor rhodes

That years of research
is down the drain,

That all this work was in vain.

Means I'm gonna have
to break his heart.

[Knock on door]

Come in.

Professor rhodes?

Alex, how's the
final checking going?

Well, that's... That's what I
wanted to talk to you about, sir.

It's, uh, done.

Well, talk to me.
Don't hold back.

How did it come out?

Sir, do you have any other
hobbies besides economics?

No. None at all.

You know, a nice stamp collection
can really cheer a guy up.

I'll try it sometime.
But in the meanwhile,

Nothing is more important
to me than economics

And specifically
this paper of ours.

They have stamps with horsies
on them and duckies and...

There's an elvis one.

Alex, is there something
wrong with our paper?

Sir, I'm sorry. I
tabulated these figures.

They don't support
our hypothesis.

The... The entire
foundation of our theory,

Our whole premise,
everything we worked for,

Is invalid.

Stamp collection, you say?

You can bounce back from this.

I mean, think of all
the famous people

Who failed before
they went on to glory.

Think of the wright
brothers, sir.

Do you know how many
running jumps they took

Before they realized they
needed to be in a vehicle to fly?

This is quite a blow.

I was hoping this
paper'd boost my career.

Sir, your career doesn't
need any boosting.

You're one of the most popular
professors on this campus.

You ask anybody in the
economics department.

Thanks, alex, but unfortunately,
times have changed.

It's not enough to be a
popular, good teacher anymore.

Universities are looking
for successful researchers.

Publishing is the key.

It's publish or perish.

Well, it's not more
important than teaching.

If you don't mind, I'd like
to... I'd like to be alone,

Just, uh, me and my
invalid hypothesis.

I understand.

I'm only sorry that I brought your
hopes up about the wilson award.

Oh, come on, sir. I don't really
care about the wilson award.

I'm only concerned about you,

Your position in the department.

I'm completely out
of the running, huh?

I'm afraid so.

Thanks for everything, alex.

Thank you.

I'll see you in class.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Dean ellis, lloyd rhodes.

Listen, i... Great news.

My paper is completed,

And I think it's a breakthrough.

Oh, yeah. It'll... It'll be
ready for presentation

At the award ceremonies.

Oh, yes. It's
definitely publishable.

Yeah.

Thanks. I'll be talkin' to you.

Ok, how does this sound?

It's my opening remarks

For tonight's awards banquet.

"My fellow economists,
due to a grave error,

"Tonight's wilson award

"Will not be going
to alex p. Keaton.

I suggest everyone
go home immediately."

This came for you, honey.

Yeah.

It's the program for
tonight's awards banquet,

What should have
been the biggest night

Of professor rhodes' career.

I don't even wanna look at it.

I may just catch
the flu for this one.

Listen to the topics.

"Labor unions in burma.

"Third-world monetary spirals.

"An e-economic analysis

Of the household's
intemporal..."

Wait a minute. I know this one.

This is the one about
the skirt and the blouse.

Well, what about
the skirt and blouse?

Well, there's a... There's
a skirt in the window...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Let me see that.

I don't believe this.

It sa... It says in here

That our paper is scheduled
to be presented tonight.

I thought you said
that paper was invalid.

It is invalid.

These figures have
all been changed.

Do you realize what this means?

Let's just assume I don't.

It means that either
this is a big mistake,

Or professor rhodes...

It's gotta be a mistake.

Well, ask him what
store that skirt was in.

[Knock on door]

Come in.

You busy, sir?

No. I was just reviewing
professor marshall's latest book...

post-industrial
macroeconomics in asia.

Have you seen the program
for tonight's dinner?

Oh, yeah.

Thought they did a lovely job.

I was particularly taken
by the, uh, new typeface.

You know, i-it says in there that we're
gonna be presenting o-our paper tonight.

I was gonna call the printers,
tell 'em they made a mistake.

Alex, it's not a mistake.

But there's absolutely
no support for our theory.

I mean, our paper is
completely invalid.

The... The numbers
are a-all fabricated.

I admit it needs a little work.

Wait a minute.

Sir, you can't go
through with this.

It's wrong!

You know, it's morally
and ethically wrong.

Alex...

You know...

I am under more pressure

Than you can possibly imagine.

If I don't publish this paper,

The university is going
to squeeze me out.

Well, don't you know your
students look up to you,

Not just for your
knowledge of economics

And your ability to teach it,

But for the way you make us
believe that honesty and integrity

Are an economist's
most valuable tools.

Alex, grow up, will you?

Don't you understand

That teaching has become
a... A business like any other?

Publication brings prestige.

It attracts endowments.

It attracts money.

No one is more interested
in attracting money than me.

I've spent my whole life

Trying to attract money.

I'm gonna name my
kids after money.

But I know that this is wrong.

Alex...

You're a young man

With a young man's ideals,

And that's exactly
as it should be.

I am an old man who
is being pushed out

By a young breed of teacher

Who would rather sit
behind a word processor

Than stand in front of a class.

I am a dinosaur.

And you know what
happened to them.

They didn't publish any papers,

And they became extinct.

What am I supposed to do?

Am I supposed to blindly go
along with what you're doing,

Even though I know that this paper
is a deliberate, calculated fraud?

You have the power to stop me.

We both know that.

I hope you won't.

I hope you'll look
the other way.

And believe me,

Before long, this
will all be forgotten.

Not by me.

Surely, the international
monetary fund

Cannot refinance this
debt without guarantees

From the world bank
and established creditors.

This is incredibly boring.

All these dull,
pompous economists.

It's like being in a
room full of alexes.

I wish I had been
smart like mallory

And faked the flu.

Come on. Let's go.

Oh, this is the greatest.

It's better than last year.

Some of my favorite
economists are here.

Any chance for autographs?

Sure, I know it's exciting...

All these economists
all dressed up,

Talk of interest
rates everywhere.

See those hors d'oeuvres

Shaped like the
treasury department?

It's a magical night.

Ah, I know. I know.
For some reason,

I can't seem to get
in the spirit of it.

For one thing, I have to present
somebody else with the wilson award,

Which I should obviously
be presenting to myself.

And then there's this problem
with professor rhodes.

I mean, my... My
idol, my mentor,

A man I've patterned
my whole life after

Is gonna go up there
and deceive this audience,

And I have to introduce him.
What am I supposed to say?

Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome my hero, a really big liar...

Dr. Lloyd rhodes.

You start off with a joke.

She's startin' to wind
up. I better get up there.

And thus,

The industrial
nations must establish

The viability of i.m.f. Loans

To developing
third-world nations.

Thank you.

Each year,

The leland economics department

Honors the most outstanding
student researcher

With the theodore
f. Wilson award.

Besides this...

Handsome commemorative plaque...

This year's winner will receive

A semester's scholarship

To study at the london
school of economics.

The winner of this year's
theodore f. Wilson award is...

What do you know about that?

Alex keaton!

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Um, the winner of this year's
wilson award is eve kimball.

Oh, that's an "e." Eve kimball.

I would just like to
thank professor marshall

For letting me do
research with her. A-and i...

Ok, that's time, evie.

Thank you very much.

But, alex, nobody
else had a time limit.

You're right. I'm sorry, eve.

We're just... We're
running a little behind.

Which brings me to
our final presentation

Of the night.

Uh, a paper...

To be presented

By dr. Lloyd rhodes...

A man that I've worked
very closely with

And have gotten
to know very well.

You know, I had a
hard time tonight

Tryin' to think of, uh, what
to say about dr. Rhodes

That would shed
some light on who he is

And what he stands for.

But I know this.

When I think about what's
most important to me

Here at leland,

Most of the
time, I think of him.

And I know I share that feeling

With every student who's
ever had the privilege

And the pleasure of
sitting in his classroom.

I admire this man tremendously.

And I know when I leave leland,

I'm gonna leave with
a confidence in myself

And a love for economics

That he taught me.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Uh, dr. Lloyd rhodes.

Thank you, alex.

That was a teacher's
dream come true.

You know, when I first
started teaching at leland,

Things were a lot
less complicated.

We didn't have all
these award ceremonies

And publishing contracts.

We taught because we loved kids,

And we wanted to see them grow.

Now it's different.

College isn't for
students anymore.

It's for the professors.

I got caught up in the
competition myself.

I came here

Intending to present
a paper tonight,

Ladies and gentlemen...

A paper that is a
complete fraud.

[Murmuring]

I was going to go
through with it,

Because I thought I
had to to keep my job,

To prove my worth
to the administration.

But in the final analysis,
that's not important.

I am a teacher.

And in a college,

There's nothing more
important than that.

Someone reminded me of that...

Tonight.

So, uh, ladies and gentlemen,

I don't have a paper
to present tonight,

But what I do have is
infinitely more important.

I have, I hope,

The esteem,

The respect,

The admiration of my students,

And for a teacher,

There's nothing more
important than that.

Thank you.

Well, alex, that's
that. [Clears throat]

No award for you,

And no research
presentation from me.

Tough night, huh?

I was just proud to be
your student tonight.

Thanks, alex.

I'm proud of you.

I know.

Hug understood.

Hug required.

Let's strike a
nice natural pose.

Oh, just a minute.

Sit, ubu, sit.

Good dog. [Barks]