05x19 - Battle of the Sexes

[bunniefuu]

♪ I bet we've been together ♪

♪ For a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together ♪

♪ For a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like I
started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember ♪

♪ What I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing ♪

♪ We can't love
each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us ♪

♪ Sha la la la ♪

But I don't understand.

We go to a nice restaurant,

We have a nice dinner,

And the next thing I know,
you're calling me sexist.

Alex, your behavior tonight

Was right out of
the middle ages.

I was embarrassed to be in
the same restaurant as you.

I was just trying
to be courteous.

You ordered all our meals

Without even asking
us what we wanted.

Well, I didn't hear
any objections.

We were checking in our coats.

All right! Good to be home.

Oh, yeah, you're
no better than he is.

Maybe not, but it's
still good to be home.

I can't believe you let
him order for us like that.

Well, it wasn't my fault I
walked away for a minute.

Andy and I were over
looking at the lobster t*nk.

It was really my fault, mommy.

Yeah, sure. You guys
always stick together.

Wait a minute. I just don't
see what all the fuss is about.

I mean, it is a
time-honored tradition

For the man to
order for the woman.

I was just trying
to be a gentleman.

I noticed you let
us pick up the check.

That's different.
That's business.

By the way, andy,
what you saw tonight

Is not appropriate
male behavior.

Excuse me, mom,
but I think dad and I

Are very capable
of demonstrating

Appropriate male behavior

To our young male friend here.

Alex, please.

I'd prefer not to be
paired with you at this time.

I'm... Sure you understand.

I shudder to think of
the chauvinistic habits

You two are teaching andrew.

Well, don't worry, mom, ok?

Dad and I are teaching andy
everything he needs to know.

We have a very big weekend
planned. Tell 'em, andy.

Boxing, hockey, sumo wrestling.

That's great. That's
just what andy needs.

An entire weekend
full of grown men

b*ating each other in
the face until they drop,

Maniacs doing a little
skating between fighting,

And sweaty fat men...

Throwing each other
down over and over again.

Yeah. Pretty much, yeah. Uh-huh.

Don't try to make
sense out of this, mal.

It's male bonding.

It's man's excuse for
slobbering all over each other

And yelling, "yes, yes!"

See? Jennifer knows
what it's about.

Oh, well, excuse us.

It sounds like the
perfect weekend.

Why don't you
just admit the fact

That male bonding is a concept

That you can't
completely understand.

Oh, is that so?

Well, if I remember,

When the girls and I
went to the mountains,

You men had your
perfect weekend here,

The house all by yourself,

Bonding all over the place.

Hey, alex.

Whoa!

What are you doing, dad?

You know, you could
break something.

Come on, alex, what
are you worried about?

We got the house to
ourselves, just the guys.

Let me see that arm.

Good toss, son.

Sorry, dad.

No, no, no, it was my fault.

I should've dove for it.

Say, i... I got it.

How about a game of chess, huh?

Yeah, ok. All right, dad.

If you really want to.

Ok! All right! This is great.

All right, so, uh,

We'll play a few games of chess,

Then we'll go out for a real
man's night on the town, huh?

[Telephone rings]

We can get a couple
big steaks, very rare,

Then back here for
brandy and cigars.

[Ring]

Hello.

Oh, hi!

Uh, suzy.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Oh, what... You mean right now?

Well, yeah, suzy, you
kidding me? I mean, I'd love to...

But I can't.

No, no. I...

Ah, it's just not possible.

No, I'll... But
thanks for calling.

Ok. Bye-bye.

We are all set, and don't think

You're gonna mop up the
board with your old dad tonight.

Got some new strategy lined up.

Go ahead. You move first, lad.

That, uh...

That was suzy farkus.

Suzy farkus?

Yeah.

You remember her. I
had this big crush on her

All the way through high school.

She wouldn't even
talk to me then.

So, anyways, she just, uh, came
into town to surprise her folks,

But, uh... They weren't home.

So she called me
and invited me over...

To her, um, empty house...

Now.

Oh. Oh, well, i...

Listen, alex, if you'd
like to go over there,

Believe me, I understand.

No. No. No, don't be silly, dad.

No, no, my feelings
for suzy farkus

Were nothing more than a
passing schoolboy crush.

I'm over that.

No, I'd much rather just...

Hang around here with you...

Play chess.

Ok.

I mean, we're in the middle

Of a game here, you know?

It wouldn't be
right for me to just

Pick up and leave in
the middle of a game.

If the game were over, you know,

Then that would be a
different matter entirely.

Bad move, alex.

Bad move.

Checkmate.

Whoa!

Ohh!

Whoa, dad, holy cow!

I didn't even... Whoa!

Nice move.

Boy, you pulled
that out of a hat.

Holy cow.

Boy, when I took your
rook, your knight,

Your bishop, and your
queen, I thought I had you b*at.

But, boy, I didn't
even see that.

Ooh, nice move, dad. Whoo!

Go ahead, alex.

Go to suzy farkus'.

Don't mind if I do,
dad. See you later.

Oh, dad... Thanks.

That was bonding.

Great bonding.

We weren't really trying then.

Come on, alex, get the football.

We'll bond now.

This is embarrassing.

No, no, no. Dad is right.

We were holding
back that weekend.

You see, we men bond so well...

That if we don't
resist a little bit,

We become permanently bonded.

That's right.

We were just being careful.

The trouble with you men
is that you tend to bond

Over such superficial things.

We women tend to bond

Over a shared
emotional experience.

All right, all right,

Maybe we didn't have
that great a time,

But we weren't the only ones

Who had trouble that weekend.

Well, this is it.

This is it?

This is it!

This is it?

Look, I know it's a little
rough around the edges,

But the important thing
is we'll be together.

We're gonna have a great time.

Well, where's our room?

This is it.

Where's your room?

This is it.

Where's the bathroom?

If you say "this
is it," I'm leaving.

The bathroom is two cabins down.

Look, we're only going to
be here for the weekend.

We can make the best of this.

Well, we might as well unpack.

No, no, let's leave the
unpacking till later.

I'm too excited.

Oh, let's sit down
and have a rap session.

What do you want to wrap?

Uh...

Uh, not wrap with a "w."

This is rap with an "r."

It's a term we
used in the sixties.

It means talk.

But "talk session" didn't
sound right, so we used to say...

Never mind. Let's
just sit down and talk.

What do you want to talk about?

Uh, well, um, oh, I
want to talk about

The change that's
gonna happen in our lives

When the baby comes home.

I want to know
how... How you feel...

What your thoughts
are, your fears,

Your expectations.

Tell me everything.

I don't want to
change any diapers.

Good. This is good.

I mean, this is exactly the kind of
thing I want to get out in the open.

What else is on your mind, mal?

Nothing.

Jennifer, what about you?

You've always been the youngest,

The baby.

Uh, it's all going to change.

Do you have any special feelings

That you want to discuss?

I'm still feeling
a little carsick.

I'm afraid I might throw up.

Thanks for sharing
that with us, jen.

She asked for my feelings.

That's not what she meant! You
don't have to... It is my feelings!

Girls! Hey, wait.

Maybe this isn't the right
time for a rap session.

Maybe... Maybe we can kind of
ease into that one later. Uh...

Oh! Oh! I've got an idea!

I was going to save
this for tomorrow,

But if we're in the
mood now, so why not?

I don't believe it. You brought
a photo album with you?

This is not just
any photo album.

This is an album that I made up

Of our history together
as mother and daughters.

"Keaton girls... Oh,
how we've grown."

These are old pictures, mom.

I know they're old pictures.

That's the point.

There's none in
here of alex or dad.

I know. That's the point.

It's just us.

But we've seen these
pictures before, haven't we?

No, not like this.
Not all together.

See, not in this format.

They're still the
same old pictures.

They are not the
same old pictures!

When you put them all
together in one book,

They take on a totally
different meaning.

Now, they show the joy and closeness
we've shared down through the years!

Now sit down and share the joy!

And that's what
your mother means

By emotional bonding, andy. I
hope you were taking notes.

Now, that's not fair. We
were out of our element.

Yeah, you should
see us at the mall.

All right, all right,
let's not get carried away

By sweeping generalities.
Andy will get confused.

There are women who are good.

There are women
who are not so good.

There are men who are good.

There are men who
are not so good.

And then there's alex.

Uh, he's in a class by
himself. You're right.

Well, there is one man we know

Who has never given in to any
of these chauvinistic attitudes.

In fact, he's the only man
who is truly a credit to his sex.

Nick's great that way.

Nick?

Nick?

Nick? Nick?

Yeah. Nick's special.

Well, yes, yes.

We could tell that
the first time we met him.

Hey, mallory!

He's really anxious
to meet all of you.

Nick! Come on in, nick!

Do I have to?!

He seems anxious to meet us.

I don't know about you,

But I am keeping an
open mind about this.

It just closed.

Nick moore, I'd like
you to meet my parents,

Elyse and steven keaton.

Nice to meet you, nick. It's
a pleasure having you here.

Hey.

It is nice to meet you finally.

I've heard an awful
lot about you.

Hey.

My brother and sister,
alex and jennifer.

Hey. Hey.

How youse doin'?

We's doin' fine, nick.

Least I's doin' fine.

That's, uh...

That's a nice earring, nick.

Yeah, I found it in the garbage.

Picked it up on my rounds.

Are you a garbage man?

Me? Nah.

I mean, but I hope to be
one one day, you know?

It's the only way to
get the good garbage.

The good garbage?

Uh... How do you distinguish
that from the bad garbage?

You got to have an eye for it.

I'm not sure I understand.

Mom! Nick's an artist.

I am like, what they call,

An environmental artist.

I make things out of
trash, garbage, junk.

You'd be amazed at the things
you can make from garbage.

Mm-hmm. You see this hat?

I made this hat from garbage.

Well, we better get going.

Hey-ey.

Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Steven: yes, we could tell
that the day we met him.

And the more we got to know him,

The more special he seemed.

Ahem.

Did you say something, jen?

No. No, I didn't.

Are you sure? It
sounded like you...

I just coughed.

Oh, I see.

I see.

Well, if you say something,
I'm ready to respond.

Great, dad.

I'll look forward to that.

This is really nice.

You guys eat like
this all the time?

You mean with utensils?

Don't mind alex.

He's a little strange.

Hey, he's all right.
He's a cute little guy.

He's just a little stiff is all.

You know what
you could use, alex?

No. No. What could I use, nick?

An earring.

Nah.

No, I don't think so.

Oh, really. It'll get you loose.

Here.

No, no, nick.

I enjoy being tight.

Well, what kind of things
are you interested in, nick?

I'm interested in mallory.

Yes, indeed.

Uh, how about school?

How about school?

Do you go to school?

No.

Can you expand on that?

Yeah, like, uh...

When school's on, I'm not there.

Ahh.

Really, dad, I mean,
there are other things

To talk about besides school.

No one's even asked
him about his art.

Hey, it's ok.

No, you love to
talk about your art.

Dad, ask him!

Uh... So, uh, nick,

Um, how did you get interested

In this environmental art?

I don't know.

Uh, can you expand on that?

I...

Don't...

Know.

Very good. Uh...

Getting back to
the school issue...

No, come on, dad, nick
was talking about art.

You interrupted him.

Sorry, nick. Didn't mean
to cut you off like that.

What were you
going to say after...

"I...

"Don't...

Know"?

I...

Don't...

Remember.

Anybody like some more peas?

Right here. Yep.

You know, environmental art isn't
the only thing nick knows about.

He has a wide
range of interests.

Here's a thought that
just occurred to me, nick.

Don't you think a person
needs an education?

Not every person?
Not every person.

Excuse me, mallory.
Come on, dad...

How can a person make a
living without an education?

I don't know. Why don't you
ask somebody who's educated?

I don't think a person needs an
education to answer that question.

Can you tell these
peas are fresh?

Oh, yeah.

I guess what I really
want to know, nick...

Hey, look, I was invited
here for a meal, you know?

But this doesn't
feel like a meal.

It feels like a test.

I'm sorry I'm not the kind
of guy you're looking for.

I'm not smart, I'm not cultured,

And I'm not
sophisticated, you know?

I'm not no charles bronson.

And that's how uncle nick
became part of our family.

Andy, nick is not your uncle.

Don't listen to him, andy.

You need a man who's above
all this male chauvinism.

Nick is a perfect male
role model for you.

Whoa, wait a minute.
Ok, what about dad here?

I mean, dad has been
behind every feminist issue

Since the very beginning.

Hey.

Or me. I mean, I
don't want to brag,

But I'm no stranger to the
women's movement myself.

You?

It was before your time, andy,

But I was a very big
supporter of the e.r.a.

I fought for the cause.

I suffered for the cause.

I sacrificed for the cause.

Who was the girl, alex?

Deena marx. Really pretty.

You would have been proud of me.

Sexual discrimination
of any kind

Is entirely intolerable to me.

Really?

The mere thought of
it makes me wince. Ssss...

Don't you feel that way?

Well, yeah, I do. I just didn't
think you did, that's all.

Well, I'm glad you
feel the same way I do,

Because frankly, it
would be very hard

To work with someone who didn't.

Yeah, but I've always
thought of you

As kind of, well,
conservative and preppy.

Preppy?

Me?

No, no, I just came
in from a wedding.

Ok, let me get this straight.

You are pro e.r.a.

Deena, you say e.r.a.,

I say...

Y.e.s.

Would you care for a cup of tea?

I'd love one.

Listen, just, uh, just
sit yourself down.

You know, you're
going to love this tea.

It was grown, picked, and
brewed entirely by women.

You know, alex,
everything we talk about

Does not have to involve women.

I do have other interests.

I don't.

Well, but I mean...

I'm willing to learn.

You know, this is really fun.

Working with you isn't nearly
as dull as I thought it would be.

Well, thank you...

I think.

Yeah, and it's
really surprising.

What? What is?

Well, all these years in school

I've never had the least
bit of interest in you.

That doesn't seem possible.

Why?

Oh, little things, I guess...

Like the young republicans club.

That.

Oh, deena, deena,
deena, deena, deena.

I... I am something
of a dabbler.

I'm the seeker of
new experiences.

I'm like a young sapling

Whose roots are
young and thirsty.

Yeah, see, this is what I
thought it would be like.

You know, deena, it's good

That we can laugh in
these troubled times,

When women are so
ruthlessly oppressed

By this sexist society.

Ahem.

Oh, hi.

Uh... Like some tea?

No, thank you.

Nice, uh... Apron, son.

Well, thanks, dad.

I hope you don't
mind me borrowing it.

I, uh...

I got quiche on mine.

No.

No, no, not at all.

When you're done, hang
it next to my jell-o molds.

And from there, the relationship
really took off and flourished.

With only one
small problem, alex.

It was a relationship
built entirely on lies.

Well, sure, if you
want to get technical.

Tell me, alex,

How long have you been a
supporter of women's rights?

Virtually since birth.

Alex, leave them alone.
They're just playing.

Dad, I will not be
ridiculed in my own home...

By puppets.

That's what's wrong
with you feminists.

You have no sense of humor.

Mom, I am not a feminist.

I am simply posing as a feminist

Out of respect for
the girl I care about.

Yeah, I hope she appreciates it.

Look, why is everybody
picking on me?

Last night, I defended a
woman's right to speak.

Now, is that bad?

Of course not. We're
very proud of you for that.

And I spent a night in jail

For a cause I don't
even believe in.

Does that make me a bad person?

Alex, that's not what
we're talking about.

You're misleading deena. You
have a relationship based on lies.

Dad, that's not true.
We're past the lies.

We're into the good stuff now.

Look, do you think
I'm happy doing this?

I'm not.

You know, it started out

As a few innocent little lies.

I wouldn't even call them lies.

They were... They
were lie-ettes.

And it just snowballed.

I mean, what can I do now?

Deena believes very
deeply in this cause, alex.

Your attitude
towards it is, uh...

Well, it's really
insulting to her.

Now, if you care
at all about deena,

You should tell
her the truth now.

Man: sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

[Dog barks]