05x20 - Battle of the Sexes: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

♪ I bet we've been together ♪

♪ For a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together ♪

♪ For a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like I
started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember ♪

♪ What I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing ♪

♪ We can't love each other
through ♪ ♪ ooh, ohh ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us ♪

♪ Sha la la la ♪♪

You know, it started out

As a few innocent little lies.

I wouldn't even call them lies.

They were... They
were lie-ettes.

And it just snowballed.

I mean, what can I do now?

Deena believes very
deeply in this cause, alex.

Your attitude
towards it is, uh...

Well, it's really
insulting to her.

Now, if you care
at all about deena,

You should tell
her the truth now.

of course, in the end, I
did the honorable thing.

I lied to you. What?

I lied. I lied. It's all lies.

I'm not... I'm not pro-e.r.a.

See, i... I just
made-believe I was

So you'd be interested in me.

Woman: a man for all
seasons... Alex keaton!

I'm uh...

I'm not, uh... Worthy
of your applause.

Uh, no. No, look.

Uh, it's... It's time that
you heard the truth.

See, I defended dorothy
canell's right to be heard,

And I believe in that.

Yes! No. Please.

See, um, my... My
reasons for doing it

Are... Are not what you think.

I did it for a girl.
All right! Whoo!

No. No. Wait a minute.

Cut it out. Cut it out. See, uh,

I'm... I'm trying to
apologize here.

See, i, uh, I made-believe
I was something I'm not

So, uh, so this girl
would be interested in me.

It seemed harmless
enough at the time.

But, uh, the truth is,

I'm... I'm not in
favor of the e.r.a.

I-i'm sorry, deena.

Uh, I apologize
to you, dorothy...

To my family...

And to all of you.

See, I can't accept this honor,

Because i... I believe that
the leader of a movement

Has to, uh, believe
in the movement.

And I honestly don't.

I... I have managed to gain
some new understanding

Of the need for e.r.a.

A-and it comes from seeing
intelligent, courageous people

Who want it as badly as you do.

So, you see, I am not the alex
keaton that you thought I was.

I'm sorry.

All right. Ok. I made
a mistake. All right?

I admit it. At
least I apologized.

I mean, I was a man about it.

I was a woman about it?

Wait. I was a person about it.

What happened to deena?

Well, uh, andy, we felt that

Under the circumstances...

As soon as she found
out that alex was just

Pretending to be
interested in the e.r.a.,

She told him off, and she
hasn't talked to him since.

Kind of tempting
when you think about it.

Yeah. We were
doing so well, too.

One little mistake...
You can't get past it.

That's because women
have real depth, alex...

Something you can't understand.

I see.

Face it, alex. When
a girl is around,

The guys will do and say
anything to get that girl.

Is that true, alex?

Well, it's... It's not...

It's not an easy
question to answer, andy.

I mean, there are
so many variables.

Is that true, alex?

Absolutely.

Girls never do that.
Even if a girl likes a guy,

She's still rational. She
still maintains her dignity.

Oh, really, jennifer?

Remember when scott
hanley came back?

Well, that was different.
I was much younger then.

You see, andy,

Jennifer had this big crush

On this boy scott hanley.

Anyway, he moved away.

And when he came back
to visit a few years later,

For some strange reason,

He only had eyes for mallory.

So, naturally, jennifer
came to me for advice.

I have a problem, alex.

Jennifer, you're years old.

You got a roof over your head.

You're fed every day.

You don't pay taxes.

What kind of problem
could you possibly have?

The baseball game
wasn't rained out.

Scott took mallory
out to dinner instead.

Oh.

Well, maybe he forgot.

How could you forget
about something like that?

Scott and I used
to be best friends.

He never used to
like mallory at all.

Now, it's the opposite.

What does mallory
got that I don't?

Uh, let's put it this way, jen.

A -year-old guy

Will tend to have
different tastes in girls

Than an -year-old guy.

I-it's only natural.

At this point in his life,
scott is interested in girls

Who are more...

Soft.

When did this happen to scott?

Why did he have to change?

Well... It's nature, jen.

Through, uh, through
none of her own doing,

Mallory just happens to have
that certain intangible quality

That attracts boys...

Boys who are helpless
victims to the hormones...

Coursing through their veins...

You know, boys like scott.

Can we put a stop to this?

It's too late, jen.

It's all over for scott...

And his kind.

It's not fair, alex.

Yeah. There's nothing
you can do about it, jen.

My advice to you
is that you just

Enjoy being a child
for as long as you can.

I know I did.

It was the best two
weeks of my life.

the important thing is
that jennifer just knew

how to handle the situation,
and she maintained her dignity.

Uh... Scott hanley's
table, please.

If you will follow me, señora.

Jennifer!

Good evening, scott.
I thought I'd join you.

Mallory!

How nice to see you!

Hi, jen.

Jennifer, why are
you dressed this way?

I'm a woman of
many moods, scott...

Young and playful one moment,

Sophisticated and
deadly serious the next.

Hey.

Uh... Jennifer, this
is a table for two.

I'm sure you can make
room for your sister.

Well, scott, what
do you recommend?

The last time I was here, I
found the pizza with the bologna

Very much to my liking.

Shall I go for it again?

Uh, I don't get it. Is this
a joke or something?

I'm deadly serious, scott.

Pizza with bologna or not?

Jen, we already ordered.

Mallory, scott
needs his strength.

He has mormons
coursing through his veins.

What?

There'll be no talking
about baseball tonight, scott.

You know what I mean?

Not really.

You'll find tonight that I
could be as soft as the next girl.

Buy you a drink?

Uh... Heh.

All right, jen. Uh, come
here for a minute, ok?

Mallory, you're making
a spectacle of yourself!

Hey, listen. I think we
ought to take you home now.

I don't need you
to take me home.

Jennifer! Stop...

Are you ok, little girl?

I'm fine. And I'm
not a little girl.

Waiter, my bike!

All right, so I was
a little impulsive.

But my feelings were hurt.

What would you
have done in my place?

I would have
gallantly stepped aside

And let mallory, uh,
enjoy her evening.

And more importantly,
I would have

Brought home some
pizza for my brother.

Come on. That's easy
for you to say, alex.

Of course it is.
Because with guys,

Coolness always prevails.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Attaboy!

Us guys got to stick
together, huh, pop?

Absolutely.

Absolutely not.

Or anywhere in between.

What are you talking about?

Alex was saying that guys are so
cool, implying that girls aren't...

That we're ready to snipe at
each other any chance we get.

Is that what you think, alex?

My coolness prevents
me from responding.

Alex, you just hate to admit that
there is a sisterhood among women...

Thank you, mom...

That you don't find among men.

That's a fabulous point, mal.

What mallory is trying to say

Is that women have a
gentle and reasonable way

Of working out their problems.

Mom, you weren't so
reasonable when you were having

That little disagreement with
mal over the modeling incident

A few years ago.

mom got picked
to do a commercial

for the proper penguin
frozen food company,

and mallory was really jealous.

I thought you all went bowling.

Oh, no. I told dad to
go ahead without me.

I've got a lot of
studying to do.

Oh, sorry!

Um, this is the day for
your little commercial.

I forgot. Heh.

I'll get out of your way.

Ok, people, this is for real.

Places, everyone. Places.

Roll 'em!

Proper penguin
frozen food commercial.

Take one.

And action!

I was held up at work.
The traffic was awful.

How am I supposed to
cook an impressive dinner

For important
friends in minutes?

What about the proper penguin?

Oh, I forgot. Thank
you, sir penguin.

Heh heh heh. Look at that.

An entire gourmet meal
right in your freezer...

Escargot, turtle soup,

Succulent peking duck
with all the fixings,

And for dessert...

Cut! Uhh.

What is it?

Sorry. Mom, could I
have the ice cream?

It was...

Right behind the turtle...

Sorry.

Here, mallory.

Now, please don't interrupt!

I won't. I'm sorry.

Can I just get a spoon?

No!

Places, everyone. Places.

Roll 'em!

Proper penguin frozen
food commercial. Take two.

And action!

I was held up at work.
Traffic was awful.

How am I supposed to
cook an impressive dinner

For important
friends in minutes?

What about the proper penguin?

Oh, I forgot. Thank
you, sir penguin.

Heh heh heh. Look at that.

An entire gourmet meal
right in your freezer...

Escargot, turtle soup,

Succulent peking duck
with all the fixings,

And for dessert... Yes. Why not?

Crepe suzette flambe.

And I'll top it off

With proper penguin
premium peruvian coffee

In this hearty
boil-in-the-bag pouch.

Why fool with instant?

Just pop it all
in the microwave.

Excuse me.

Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!

It's just that we don't
have a microwave.

We don't need a microwave
for the commercial!

Oh. Sorry. Um, I'm
just trying to help.

Look, kid...

It's degrees in this suit.

Maybe I'll take a walk.

Make it a long one.

Ok. Places, everybody. Places.

Once more, from the top.

Ready! And roll 'em!

Proper penguin frozen
food commercial. Take four.

Ok. Very quietly. Once again.

And action!

I was held up at work.
Traffic was awful.

How am I supposed to
cook an impressive dinner

For important
friends in minutes?

What about the proper penguin?

He's locked out!

Cut, cut, cut.

Mallory!

Oh! Sorry.

Oh, stupid me! I... I
locked the door.

Heh. Habit... Safety.

I'm sorry.

I'm warning you, kid.

Proper penguin frozen
food commercial. Take .

Action!

I was held down at work.
Traffic was important.

How am I supposed to cook
friends and a penguin?

Are you still mad
at mallory, mommy?

Oh, no. We made
up a long time ago.

Yeah, we always do.

You know, I think we're giving
andy the wrong impression here.

All we're talking about
are the arguments,

The deceptions, and
the fights we've had.

That's not the whole story.

You know, it's ok to
be mad at someone,

You know, even
somebody you love...

Even someone in your family.

It's... It's only wrong
when you stay mad.

The fact is, when
push comes to shove,

We all stick up for each other.

Even alex and mallory?

Especially alex and mallory.

Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

Ok, let's not go telling
tales out of school here.

I got an image to protect.

Andy, even though your
brother doesn't like to admit it,

He happens to
be a very nice guy.

Oh. Don't listen
to any of this, andy.

we were coming
home from princeton,

a disaster of a weekend.
I messed up everything.

but alex... Alex was great.

How are you feeling?

I want to die.

I guess you're not up for a
game of gin rummy, then, huh?

What a weekend.

I... I ruined your interview.

I lost my boyfriend.

I made a complete fool
of myself in the process.

Never before have I acted
so stupidly and so selfishly.

Come on, mallory...

Sure you have.

I'm kidding. I'm just kidding.

Come on, cheer up, will you?

So, uh, how did you
and jeff leave things?

Well, there wasn't a whole
lot we could say to each other.

I mean, we did agree
to see other people.

Uhh. It was stupid of me to
go up there this weekend.

Why didn't you try to stop me?

What?

Kidding. I'm just kidding.

Well, it's good that
you can laugh about it.

Despair does funny
things to a woman.

Listen, uh, mallory...

You lost a boyfriend today.

A good one, and, uh...

I know you're upset,

But let me tell you something.

You're a very special person.

You got a good heart.

You got a good sense of humor.

You're attractive,

And, uh...

You're a lot smarter...

Than I usually
give you credit for.

So, uh, don't you
worry, mallory.

There are lots of guys out there

Who would consider
themselves lucky

To even meet someone like you.

It's true, mallory.

I don't know what in the world

Just possessed
me to say all that...

But, uh...

It is true.

Alex, I don't understand it.

I mean, I'm surprised
you're not angry with me

After what I did to you today.

Mallory, what would be the
point in getting angry at you now?

You're brokenhearted.
You're in a weakened state.

I'll wait till you feel better.

Then I'll really
let you have it.

No, I'm serious, alex. I ruined
your college interview.

I mean, I practically
destroyed your chances

Of getting into princeton.

What I did today may have damaged
the course of your entire life.

Because of me!

Uh, m-mallory, listen.
Uh, I'm not angry now.

But if you keep this up, I'm
gonna throw you off the train.

But it's true.

I don't understand it myself.

All I know is,
when I was up there

In dean meminger's office,

And I saw you wandering
across the campus,

Delirious with grief,

It really got to me.

All of a sudden,
getting into princeton

Didn't seem as important
as helping you out.

I think you're changing, alex.

You may be right, mallory.

I really learned a lot
about myself today.

What?

Well, I always thought
that I knew myself, you know...

What I wanted, how
I wanted to get it.

Apparently, I was wrong.

I am just going to have to
face the cold, hard truth

That underneath it all,

Like it or not...

I'm just a hell of a nice guy.

Shut up and deal the cards.

All right.

How about a game of hearts?

Alex...

Old maid?

Alex, you're nice.

Look, I had a fever, ok?

I wasn't myself.

You see, andy,
that's what family is.

Everybody's here to
help everybody else.

So, you need help, we're here.

Even if I need my shoe tied?

Right. Come to me.

Or if I need someone to
take me to preschool?

Right. Come to me.

Even if I need bucks?

Go to dad.

It's true, andy. We all help
each other out around here.

Sometimes, it may
not seem that way.

There's a lot going
on around this house,

And it's easy to feel left out,

Especially when
you're the youngest.

Heh. All right. Are you
still whining about that?

It's been five years.

You know, alex, it's not an easy thing
to forget. How do you think it feels?

You lost me at a card game.

Well, I obviously found you.

You see, mallory was supposed
to baby-sit me that night.

But she passed me off to alex.

He went to a card game
where he got so involved,

He didn't even realize
that I had walked out.

I thought you went
outside for a smoke.

Jennifer, we've
apologized over and over.

Hi. Uh, mom said
you'd see us now.

Can we come in?

Sure.

Thanks.

Guess you'll want
me to leave, then.

Wait a minute. Why would
we want you to leave?

Well, you never seem
to want me around lately.

Come on, jennifer.
That's not true.

It isn't, huh? Is that why
you dumped me for jeff?

Jennifer... Hey,
mallory didn't mean...

At least she dumped
me for a nice guy, alex.

You dumped me for
a group of winos.

Yeah, alex.

Hey, wait a minute.
Whose side are you on?

On the other hand, mallory,
you hurt me even more.

I don't expect
anything from alex.

Yeah, mallor... Y.
Wait... Wait a minute.

What do you mean, you
don't expect anything of me?

Are you saying that
I neglected you?

Alex, the only time you talk to me is
when you want me to leave the room

Or you need some money.

I mean, h-how can you say that?

Remember this morning? I
talked to you. I talked to you.

I... I passed you in
the hall. I said, uh...

"Hey, how you doing?"

I'm touched.

Look, jennifer. I don't know

If it'll make you feel any
better, but, uh, we're grounded.

For how long?

Let's put it this way...

You'll be driving
before we will.

Look. I don't know
why you guys are here.

You don't care about me.

It's always, "you're too
young for this, jennifer,"

Or, "we can't go
because of you, jennifer."

I'm not a person.

I'm a little sister.

Jennifer, we don't
really treat you like that.

Yes, you do. You guys
are always so busy.

You never have time for me.

Alex, you're busy with your
work, your clubs, your school.

Mallory, you're busy
with your boys, and...

What else do you do?

It's just because
we're older, jennifer.

When you get to be our
age, you'll be busy, too.

I'll never be your age.

I'll always be younger.

No matter what I do,

You guys will always
get to do it first.

Well, that's true, jennifer,

But there are a lot of
advantages to being the youngest.

Like what?

Well, for... For one thing,

Mallory and I have
worn mom and dad down.

We've broken them
in. We've trained them.

By the time you get to be our
age, you'll be running this place.

That is something
to look forward to,

But what am I supposed to
do between now and then?

We'll try and make it
more fun for you, jen.

Will you guys let me get in
trouble with you more often?

Sure we will.

Will you take all the
blame when we do?

We always do.

I know.

That's my favorite part
of being the little sister.

You know, jennifer, uh...

When we didn't know
where you were,

We were really
worried about you.

You mean it?

There was a moment
there when I realized

What it would be like, uh...

If you weren't around,
and I didn't like the idea.

For one thing, I'd be stuck
here alone with mallory.

We love you, jennifer.

Sometimes we forget
to say it, but we do.

You, too, alex?

Me, too.

Well, I think that's enough
storytelling for one night.

It's time for bedtime.

I'm not sleepy.

I want to hear more... More
about how you guys fight.

All right. Well, there
was this time that mallory...

Alex, please. I'm sorry, mom.

Don't think about
the fights, andy.

Just think about how we make up

And how we just love each other.

Just remember
those things. We do.

Sit, ubu, sit.

Good dog.