05x23 - A, My Name Is Alex

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Family Ties". Aired: September 22, 1982 - May 14, 1989.*
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Set in suburban Columbus, Ohio during the Reagan administration, Steven and Elyse Keaton are baby boomers, liberals and former hippies, raising their three children: ambitious, would-be millionaire entrepreneur Alex; fashion-conscious, gossipy Mallory; and tomboy Jennifer.
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05x23 - A, My Name Is Alex

Post by bunniefuu »

Johnny mathis: ♪ I bet
we've been together ♪

♪ For a million years ♪

Deniece williams: ♪ and I
bet we'll be together ♪

♪ For a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like I
started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

Both: ♪ and I can't remember ♪

♪ What I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ We can't love
each other through ♪

♪ Ooh hoo ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ Sha la la la ♪

What's heaven like?

No matter what you
eat, you can't gain weight.

Psychiatrist: answer
the question, alex.

Is it hard to be you?

You know the answer.

Of course it's hard.

They have these great
stores there, alex.

They open at : in the morning

And stay open till infinity.

And, alex...

Alex, one size fits all.

Why is it so hard to be you?

You know.

Say it.

Because.

Yeah, because...

Because I'm better.

And...

Smarter.

I'll bet alex knows the answer.

Don't do that to me, mrs. Leahy.

It's all so simple, alex,

And it's all so pretty.

Why do you worry so much?

Alex, tell the class what
christopher columbus

Was really trying to do
when he discovered america.

Why do you set me apart
from the other kids like that?

Makes me so uncomfortable.

They're all looking at me.

They're all jealous.

Th-they don't wanna
play with me at recess.

It's the price you
have to pay, alex,

Because you're special.

But I'm just a little boy.

Class, pay attention
to alex. I'm sure...

God, I hated it
when she did that!

I wish you all could be
a little more like alex.

She'd call on me in that...
That old-maid teacher's voice.

"Alex knows. Alex knows."

Alex knows.

I was years old!

You don't put that kind of
pressure on a kid that age!

I knew I had to be ready,

Because she was counting on me,

Pushing me.

Alex, please tell the class.

Columbus was
really trying to find

A fast, direct route
to the indies, mrs. Leahy.

Uh, he was looking for spices,

But he found the new world.

It was just an accident.

It was an accident!

He should not have
been in that car alone.

I... I shou... I should
have been with him.

Ma-maybe, i...

Maybe he would have
gone more slowly.

Maybe I would have
seen the other car.

It was an accident.

There aren't any
accidents, alex.

Everything happens the
way it's supposed to happen.

We've all been here before.

Mallory's really
getting on my nerves, dad.

I mean, why... Why did you
have to have another kid?

We were doin' so well,
just the three of us.

Well, when you get older,
you'll appreciate her more.

Doubt it.

Come on. You wanna
have a little catch?

Aw, no. I don't wanna, dad.

I-i'm not very good at it.

Well, you can't expect
to learn it all in one day.

I learned algebra
all in one day.

Well, I know.

But now you're starting school,

You have to learn how
to play catch, baseball.

Ok. Ok. Good.

Look, I can get us some tickets

To the indians game on
saturday if you wanna go.

Ah, the indians?

I don't like the
indians that much.

Well, how can you
not like the indians?

They're in first place.

Not financially.

In terms of cash flow, the orioles
are the team to b*at this year.

The orioles are games out.

Well, what does that
have to do with anything?

Their tv revenues are up %.

Ticket prices up %.

These guys are doin' great.

If they keep this up,
they can buy the indians.

That's a whole new perspective

On our national pastime.

Well, come on. Let's, uh...

Let's have a little catch, huh?

Remember how I showed you?

Now just, uh, put
your hands together.

Make a cup.

Yeah. Good boy.

Whoops. I'm sorry, dad.

Oh, no.

No, it's ok.

You're trying. That's
all that counts.

He was... He was always
supportive like that.

"Just do it. Just try.

"Just have fun.

That's all that matters."

Psychiatrist: you have
trouble with that attitude?

I don't know.

I mean, it's... It's a
little naive, isn't it?

I don't know.

There are winners, and
there are losers in life,

And there's no
getting around that.

So you think your
father's a weak man, then?

No.

But you just said...

Just let me finish, ok? Sorry.

I used to think that way.

I'm embarrassed by it now...

That I could be so
blind to his strength.

He has great love, my father,

Not... Not just for
his family, but for life.

He doesn't have to make
you wrong for him to be right.

He doesn't have to make you
a loser to be a winner himself.

I wish I was more
like my father.

Aw, dad, another sister!

H-how could you do this to me?

Alex, some of these things
are not controllable, you know?

I know, but you should
have consulted with me first.

Alex, she's a
beautiful little girl,

And we love her.

You will, too.

All right.

What's this one's name?

Jennifer.

You got a minute?

Sure.

What are you readin'?

Kierkegaard.

internal development of man

and dynamic
representational expression.


Yeah, well, that's ok for fun.

But later try to get in somethin'
a little more serious, ok?

I promise.

Do you ever think about it, jen?

Life?

Death?

Infinity?

Well, sometimes I do,

But... But sometimes I just want
tickets to a van halen concert.

Interesting kid, jen.

She's the only teenager I know

Who can combine
soren kierkegaard

And eddie van halen in her life.

It's funny to be back
here in her room.

There's... There's a
certain perfumey smell.

Uh, it was her birthday.

She was .

And I didn't know
what to get her,

So I got her perfume,

Because I figured, you
know, girls like that,

And it was on sale.

And, uh, she spilled
it all over her crib,

So now, whenever I smell
very, very cheap perfume...

I think of jen.

That's the strange
thing about memories.

Sometimes they
could be more real

Than what we
think of as reality.

The smell of wet wool
mittens on a radiator...

That is the smell of mrs.
Leahy's class in winter, forever.

Hey, those are my mittens.

Are you sure? They
look a little bit like mine.

Your mittens have dollar signs

Crocheted in the palm?

Sorry. I didn't notice that.

Hey, you're the
new kid, aren't you?

Yeah, I'm greg mccormick.

Hello. My name is alex...

I know who you are.
You're alex keaton,

The kid who knows everything.

Who told you that?
Did mrs. Leahy say that?

No, the other
kids were sayin' it.

They say it's great here.

"All you have to
do is just keep quiet.

Sooner or later, keaton
rattles off the answer."

How come you know so much?

I take some night classes.

Ohio state.

Well, I'll see you around.

I'm gonna go out
and play for recess.

I'm sorry about the mittens.

Hey, do you wanna
come out and play?

Me?

Yeah, you. You know
how to play, don't you?

Well, i... I normally
stay inside at recess

And help mrs. Leahy prepare
tomorrow's assignments.

Come on. There's a
snowball fight goin' on.

You know how to
make a good snowball?

No.

See? You don't know everything.

Let's go!

Don't know everything.

Don't know anything!

Whatever it is that
I base my life upon

Is... Is falling out
from underneath me.

Do you believe in god, alex?

I don't wanna talk
about that, ok?

I'm sorry. Go on.

You know what's bothering me?

I mean really,
really bothering me?

S-something that I'm having a
very difficult time getting past.

What's that?

I'm paying you for this!

I'm paying you to sit
there and listen to me.

I'm paying a guy
from grant college

To sit and listen
to my life story

And give me advice.

Grant college, a school
that gives a course

In opening umbrellas.

I got an "a" in that.

All right, look,
th-this is pointless.

I'm not getting any answers.
I'm not getting any advice.

I'm... I'm just sitting
here, doin' all the talking,

A-and you're just
pulling it out of me.

How do you feel about that?

How do you feel about that?

I asked you first.

You're really
gettin' on my nerves.

What is it you want, alex?

What is it you're looking for?

I just wanna feel...

The way I felt when
I was a little boy...

That... That
feeling of security,

That feeling of safety.

Comin' home to my house
on a cold, rainy night,

I'd see the light on
in the kitchen window,

And I knew there was no
place else I wanted to be.

The colder I got
and the wetter I got,

The more I enjoyed it,

Because I knew in minutes,

I was gonna be in that kitchen,

Safe and warm.

You know hemingway's story,

a clean, well-lighted place?

I can't say I'm
familiar with that, no.

That's right. I forgot.

You went to grant college.

All right, ok, let
me put it in terms

That you can understand, ok?

You remember when batman...

Wanted to get away from it all,

He'd go down to the batcave?

Uh-huh, yeah!

That was the feeling
walkin' into that kitchen.

I mean, walking in there

Was like walkin' into a hug.

I'll tell you a little secret.

Sometimes...

I'd fake a little cough,

A little sneeze,
a little sniffle,

Just to get a little
extra attention.

Hey, who'd it hurt?

Ah-choo! Ah-choo!

You all right, honey?

Oh, I'm fine, mommy.

I just got a little cold.

You come on in here.

I've got your blanket
ready for you.

Ah, mommy, stop. Don't
go to all this trouble.

It's no trouble.
You just sit here.

I'm gonna make you
some hot chocolate.

Yes!

Hot chocolate.

One more sneeze,

I get whipped cream.

Ah-choo!

Alex, are you just faking

Being sick again?

You're just jealous, mal,

Because you can't pull it off.

See, I know how to do
these things selectively.

A little cough,
a little sniffle.

You come in and
say, "I've got malaria.

Can I have some hot chocolate?"

Thank you, mommy.

I'm feeling much better now.

Would you like some cookies?

Oh, mommy, you stop it, ok?

Y-you're spoiling me.

What kind?

I'm your mommy. I
can spoil you if I like.

Chocolate chip?

Butterscotch.

Have a good day at
kindergarten today?

It was ok. We made pictures.

Alex, this is beautiful.

Th-this is the nicest
picture you've ever given me.

Thank you, mommy.

I was thinking about you

When I bought it.

You bought it?

Uh-huh. Roger zimmerman.

He's the most talented
artist in our class.

Nothing's too good for my mommy.

Oh, mommy, mommy, mommy,

Can we sing the song?

Oh, yeah, ok.

♪ Where is thumbkin? ♪

♪ Where is thumbkin? ♪

♪ Here I am ♪

♪ Here I am ♪

♪ How are you this morning? ♪

♪ Very well, I thank you ♪

♪ Run and hide ♪

♪ Run and hide ♪

♪ Where is thumbkin... ♪

That was... That was the
sweetest-tasting hot chocolate

I ever had in my life.

I'm never gonna... Never gonna
feel that... That safe again,

That protected.

Hey, a-lex.

Hi, nick.

What are you doin' here?

What do you mean,
what am I doing here?

These are all the
people in your life, right?

I'm in your life.

Nick, I'm paying this
guy by the hour.

Ok?

I don't wanna use up

Any of my time talking to you.

What, you think you got
nothin' to learn from me, alex?

Huh? You don't think I ain't
got nothin' to teach you?

No, nick. I don't think

You ain't got
nothin' to teach me.

Alex, what kind of
grammar is that?

Sorry, mrs. Leahy.

Just tryin' to
make a point here.

Come on. Go away, will you, ok?

You're gettin' me into trouble.

Hey, hey, hey. You are just
afraid of this side of me in you.

There is no side
of you in me, nick.

Sure there is.

Steppenwolf: ♪ born to be wild ♪

♪ Born to be wild ♪

Alex, can we come in?!

[Music stops]

Just studying, mom.

Fabulous report card, alex.

Ah, thanks, dad.

Listen to what your
teacher wrote on your paper.

"Alex knows more about economics

"Than most people in america.

"I'm assuming this
paper deserves an a.

I don't fully understand it."

We're very proud of you, son.

Very proud, honey.

I didn't know you
liked rock music, alex.

I don't like rock
music, mallory.

I heard you playing
rock music last night...

Steppenwolf and jim
morrison and the doors.

Greg likes jim morrison
and the doors, not me.

The doors: ♪ the time to
hesitate is through ♪

♪ No time to
wallow in the mire ♪

♪ Try now, we can only lose ♪

♪ And our love
become a funeral pyre ♪

♪ Come on, baby, light my fire ♪

♪ Come on, baby, light my fire ♪

♪ Try to set the night on fire ♪

♪ Yeah ♪
[music stops]

Ah, man, alex, I gotta go.

I'll see you in school tomorrow.

Ok, don't forget to
bring my homework, ok?

Don't I always?

Hey, hey, hey, my dad said

He might get tickets for us
for the indians game on sunday.

Your dad is the greatest.

Can he get a ticket
for my brother, too?

Wait. Don't go.

Huh?

Don't go, ok?

Don't walk out
that door. Don't go.

I gotta go. My mom made supper.

No. No, don't leave,
ok? Don't leave.

Just stay here in this
room with me forever.

Alex, this is so sudden.

Just... Just listen
to me, ok? Ok?

'Cause I can't
bear to see you go.

Alex, -year-old guys

Should be able to say
good-bye without crying.

No, you're not .

I'm not?

No, well, you are now.

You are now,

But in a... In a blink,

You're gonna be like me.

You're ?

A-and you're gonna walk out
the front door to this house,

And you're gonna get
k*lled in a car accident.

Alex, a simple "have
a nice day" will do.

Don't go, ok? Don't go.

Don't go. Don't...

It's not fair!

It's not fair!

Greg should not be dead.

He never hurt anybody.

Why?

Why?

Don't worry about it, alex.

Hey.

I'm just a kid.

You're special.

Keep trying. Play fair.

We're proud of you, honey.

Lie down. Take a nap.

Why are you crying, alex?

You got an owee?

Yeah, yeah, sort of.

Want me to kiss it
and make it better?

I sure do.

[Patting]

Better?

Much.

Could you come home now?

Uh, pretty soon,
ok? Pretty soon.

I... I just have a few
loose ends to tie up.

I'm gonna go home and
get some hot chocolate.

Ah-choo!

That's me years ago.

Just makes me think...

How much I've been
through in my life already

And what it's all meant.

I don't wanna die.

I... I don't mean... I don't
mean I don't wanna die young.

I don't wanna die middle-aged.

I don't wanna die old.

I don't wanna die...

Ever.

Do you believe in god, alex?

That's what this all
comes down to, right?

Doesn't it?

That's what I'm tryin'
to figure out here.

Because... Because
if there is a god,

Then... Then... Then
somehow this...

All makes sense.

I mean, there's
gotta be a reason,

Some master plan
in which greg's...

Dying and my living make sense.

What do you think?

The analytical
side of me says no.

On a straight
cost-efficiency basis,

You can't prove it.

There's no annual report.

There's no pictures of
the board of directors.

I mean recent ones.

And... And there's
a lot of things

That just cannot
be accounted for.

But then there are
these miraculous things.

Phenomena of nature

Like, uh...

Like mountains

And oceans

And skippy getting
dressed by himself,

And... And you gotta think

That somebody's
helpin' out with that.

The answer is yes.

I do believe in god...

But not a mean... Not
a mean angry god,

Like... Like the
gods you see on tv

That always... You
know the preachers

And... And always asking
you to send them money.

And, um...

And not a groovy god

Like mallory's god...

Matching sweat
pants and headband.

And not a god like brother
timothy's god either,

Because I just can't
believe that god meant me

To stay away from girls.

If he did, he wouldn't
have made me so cute.

I think god is gentle

And... Forgiving...

And not one special
form, you know?

I mean, one day, he's a dolphin.

The next day, he's trading
shares on wall street.

It'd be funny

If one day, he got mixed up

And went to wall
street as a dolphin.

You surprise me, alex.

I didn't think you
really would believe,

A bottom-line guy like yourself.

Yeah. Well, well, part of me
is a little nervous about it.

I mean, i... I like to
know what I know,

See it...

Be able to prove
it on a... On a test,

To know it, to
learn it, and be done,

And I just got a feeling...

That you keep getting
tested on this one.

So what do you do now?

Well...

Greg's dead...

And I'm alive...

And I can't change that.

But I can keep his memory alive.

I can take...

His sense of humor...

And his... And his energy...

And his warmth...

And I can make it my own.

I can be the best alex
keaton that I can be,

And I can use the gifts
that I've been given,

And I can take the time

To appreciate the
beauty in this life...

And I can...

I can be gentle...

And I can be...

Forgiving...

And thoughtful...

And I can make a lot of money...

Because, well, i-i'm
sure god wants me to.

Because if he didn't,

He wouldn't have
made me so smart.

I... I wanna... I wanna
talk a little bit more.

Uh, do we still have time?

Yeah, sure. Sit down.

All right. Ok. I... I got
so much in my head now.

I don't know where to start.

Start from the beginning.

My name is alex keaton.

Sit, ubu, sit.

Good dog. [Barks]
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