05x26 - The Visit

[bunniefuu]

♪ I bet we've been together ♪

♪ For a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together ♪

♪ For a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like I
started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember ♪

♪ What I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing ♪

♪ We can't love
each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us ♪

♪ Sha la la la ♪

Ok. Breakfast is
just about ready.

Elyse, you can
call the kids... Now.

Jennifer, mallory, andrew, uh...

What's the other one's name?

Alex, I believe.

Alex. Good name.
Breakfast is ready!

Ah, this is something,
isn't it, elyse?

Hard to believe.

It seems like only yesterday

It was just the two of us

Living in that
apartment in berkeley,

Full of dreams, every
day an adventure.

Look how it all turned out, too.

You know, work we
enjoy, a house of our own,

And beautiful children.

Let's face it. We got it all.

These eggs are really
starting to harden up.

Give them another
call, will you, honey?

Yeah.

Hey, kids, let's go!
Breakfast is ready!

You know, I think
these sunday mornings

Are my favorite
part of the week.

The smell of bacon cooking,

A fire in the fireplace,

Sunday paper, everybody
together at home.

There's no place
else I'd rather be.

Same with me, honey.

We are really and truly blessed.

Amen.

Elyse, these pancakes are
turning into compact discs.

Get 'em down here, would you?

Kids, come on,
let's get down here!

Breakfast is ready!

Not that we don't
have our problems.

No.

But when I look around
and see what we've got,

I realize how lucky we are.

Really, really lucky.

If you kids are not
down in one minute,

Breakfast is going
out the window!

What's all the yelling
about? It's sunday morning.

Yeah, we're trying to sleep.

Why don't you answer
us when we call you?

Well, it seems unnecessary.

I mean, you know us. We're decent
people with good intentions.

You got to assume we heard
you and we're coming down.

All you need to
say is, "coming, dad."

Or "coming, mom."

Kids: coming dad or coming mom.

Now could we go back to sleep?

No. Now we're going to sit down

And have a great big traditional
overcooked breakfast.

Then afterwards, we're
going to clean house

And get ready for uncle
marvin and aunt michelle's visit.

No, that's not today, is it?

Weren't they just
here last week?

No. That was last year.

Oh, come on, guys.

You all know that my
sister and uncle marv

Come to visit every
year at this time.

Oh, you know, and now, this
would be a nice opportunity for us

To discuss ways to make
their visit more pleasant.

Ha ha ha.

Are they bringing the kids, too?

I'm afraid so.

Steven, you're talking
about your niece and nephew,

Monica and marv jr.

Mom, those two little charmers

Could make a child-hater
out of dr. Seuss.

All right. Come
on, guys. Come on.

It's very important to your
mother that this visit go well.

To you, too, steven.

It should be
important to you, too.

It is, honey. It is!

Your sister. My brother-in-law.

It's enormously important.

I saw that, steven.

Well...

Elyse, I'm just kidding you.

I know you have a
problem with marv.

Problem? What kind
of problem could I have

With a guy who walks in the
door, slaps me on the back,

The first words
out of his mouth are,

"Say, stevie, how much
money did you make last year?"

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

How much money did
you make last year?

When are they coming?

They should be here
in time for dinner.

Good. Gives us plenty of time to
pack and move to south america.

Oh, good. They're early.

Let their stay here begin.

Marv: hey!

Elyse! Oh!

Hey, g*ng. Hiya, g*ng.

So, stevie, how much money
did you make last year? Ha!

Everybody!

Say hello... To...

Bingo!

So...

It's great to see you guys.

Yeah. Always a major joy.

So, what do you guys
want to... Want to do

While you're here in
beautiful columbus, ohio?

We have some of the
finest malls in the midwest.

Not to mention some
terrific museums.

What is this, teen tours?

What would you
like to do, monica?

What's the point
in doing anything?

Excuse me?

I mean, it's clearly futile.

Going to museums, ball
games, shopping malls.

It's all just a momentary escape

From the unavoidable
certainty of death.

What's the deal with her?

Hey. Hey, monica.

That's kind of a morbid
viewpoint, isn't it?

Well, perhaps you're all
just unable to face the fact

Of your own nonexistence.

The realization that
the only certainty

In this absurd universe

Is that we are all going to die.

We've got some
terrific cemeteries.

Come on. Let's get out the funeral
directories, huh? Have a ball. Come on.

[Humming]

Oh. Ha ha.

Remember tommy ramsey?

The one from junior high
who wanted to be a dentist?

Yeah.

I ran into him at the airport.

He is a hare krishna now.

Oh! [Laughs]

Hey...

Stevie, stevie.

Let me give you
a hand with that.

Oh, thanks, marv. I
really appreciate it.

Ahh...

Mmm! Mmm!

Yeah, thanks. I
think I can manage it

The rest of the way by myself.

What's for supper?

It's tuna noodle casserole.

Uncle steven's special recipe.

Yeah. I think you're
really going to like it.

Hey, I'm on vacation.
I'm not eating tuna.

I want pizza.

Didn't I tell you in the car...

You're going to eat
what you're served.

That's ok. We can get pizza.

He's going to eat tuna
casserole like everybody else.

We're all going to
eat tuna casserole.

Whether we like it or not.

All right, but I'm
not going to like it.

Boy, they're just growing
up right before our eyes.

Isn't it great? Here we
are, all back together again.

I sure miss you guys. We
should see you more often

Than just once a year.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I can say I really
enjoy having you all here.

Stevie... What kind of
a year did you have?

Oh, very satisfying year,
marv. Kids are healthy,

Doing well in school.

Andy started preschool.

Ah, no.

I mean financially.

Well, steven had a terrific
year down at the station himself.

He produced a couple
first-rate documentaries.

Well, thank you, honey.

I saw a lovely documentary
you produced, steven.

It was all about little
microscopic creatures.

Oh! You mean parameciums.

we're splitting.

I think your public
television is for snobs.

Ok, hors d'oeuvres,
everyone, now.

They are always
asking you for money.

Well, that's because we're
severely underfunded.

So? Whose fault is that?

Come on, now. We
shouldn't be arguing.

We're here to have a great time.

I am!

I'm having a great time.

I love needling stevie.

And you love it,
don't you, stevie?

Come on, admit it!

I really do.

Uh, yeah, marv.

Thanks for showing us
that tax return of yours.

It's obvious to me you
had a truly fabulous year.

Marv jr.: And remember, extra
cheese and no anchovies on this one.

This time get it right.

You just keep chewing, marv jr.

Dad, I honestly don't
think I'm going to make it.

Alex, I know how you feel, but
this is important to your mother,

And after all, it's only days.

All right, you're
right, dad. You're right.

Well, everyone seems to
be enjoying themselves, huh?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I know we are, mom.

Just... We're just sad
there's just days,

Hours, minutes,
and seconds left to go.

[Alex sighs]

Honey, I know marv's not your
favorite person in the world.

I really appreciate the
effort you're making.

You're being a wonderful host.

Stevie, alex, get in here.

Marv jr.'S going to put a
whole grapefruit in his mouth.

Oh, we don't want to miss that.

Aren't you going
to go in and watch?

Nah! I've seen it
a hundred times.

Who do you think
taught him how to do it?

Uh, marv. Marv. Come on, now.

Oh, stevie!

You don't still have
that silly no cigar rule.

Marv, marv.

I'd really appreciate
it if you wouldn't.

All right, fine, stevie.

Hey! You know my motto:
when in rome... Heh...

How's the rest of that go?

Why don't you go
to rome and find out.

[Laughing]

Come here!

Oh, gosh!

It's good to be with family.

Ohhh!

[Chuckles]

What a kid.

[Sighs]

Uncle marv... Aunt michelle...

No one knows.

Whoa, no!

Wait a minute.

Where, uh, where do
you think you're going?

Just out for a walk.

We'll be back in days,
hours, minutes, and seconds.

Yeah, wait. I'm coming with you.

Hold it!

Hold it!

Nobody's leaving without me.

W-wait a minute.

We can't go.

I think it would really
upset your mother.

Dad, monica's driving us crazy.

She keeps writing
practice obituaries for us.

We are starving out there.

Oh, don't bother yourself.
We'll just help ourselves.

Hey. Hey!

Stevie, you've been
holding out on us.

Come on. Come on,
bingy. Come on, boy.

We like a little
snack before bed.

Hey.

Oh, dad, dad, dad.

We hate to see you like this.

Is there anything we
can do to help you?

k*ll them.

[Sighs]

Morning, stevie.

Hi...

Huh. You look
terrible. Didn't sleep?

Sleep?

How can I sleep with a -pound
saint bernard on my head?

Didn't daddy tell you not
to bother uncle stevie?

What happened to my cereal?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Was that your cereal?

We didn't realize,
did we, bingy.

So, stevie, what have you
got planned for us today?

I do have something in mind.

I'm gonna take
bingo out for a walk.

When we get back,

Try to have something planned.

You're my host. Entertain me!

Come on, bingy! Come on, bingy!

Come on, baby! Come on!

I'll feed ya! I'll
feed ya! Come on.

[Whistling]

Oh, hey, dad.

Do you want to have
breakfast with us this morning?

Marv?

And bingo.

How many days left?

Down, to go.

I'm not going to make it.

Save yourselves.

All right, ok.

This is getting serious now.

Dad is starting to cr*ck.

It hasn't been
easy on us either.

Hanging around with monica

Is like being in an
ingmar bergman movie.

Hanging around
with marv jr. Is like...

There is nothing like
hanging around with marv jr.!

Well, we've gotta do something
to take the pressure off dad.

Let's at least get
him out of the house,

Give dad one day of peace.

Yeah. I got an idea.

We could tell them there's
some free food downtown,

And that'll take care
of marv and marv jr.

What about monica? What's
going to get her out of the house?

We'll tell her
there's a hanging.

Top of the morning,
my wonderful cousins!

My mother said
to try to be nice.

Well, you're doing a
great job of it, marv jr.

You're wearing my shirt!

I'm not wearing your shirt!

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

What do you think
the a.p.k. Stands for?

Oh. A perfect cousin.

Listen, marv jr...

Alex, down, to go.

Hey, listen, how would you guys

Like to see the
sights of columbus?

Ooh, that should be
a fun-filled minutes.

We could start out
with the downtown area,

The columbus centron,
then over to germantown.

Maybe the ohio state art museum?

I'm not getting out of the car.

Monica, there's a
world of exciting

And interesting things
to do around here.

We could really
have a great day.

Don't make me laugh.

There's not much danger of that.

Listen, when I'm on vacation,

Nobody tells
marv jr. What to do.

All right, listen.

You little twit.

You're coming to
the mall with us.

And so is your sister...
The grim reaper.

So!

What do you kids
want to do today?

We don't want to do anything.

Uh, we want to go
to the stupid mall.

Michelle: oh!

Well, that's a great idea.

Come on, stevie. I'll buy
you some new threads.

God knows you could use them.

And don't you dare thank me.

What's a brother-in-law for?

Now, come here.
Give me a big hug.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Just missing one piece.

Maybe one of the marvs ate it.

That's a good guess.

Don't worry about it, son.

They'll be leaving soon.

Down, to go.

I know how you feel.

But, you know,
I've really enjoyed

Spending this time with you.

I'm beginning to relax.

I think I'm going to make it.

That's the spirit, dad.

Time for bed, andy.

Jennifer's ready to tuck you in.

Come on, kiss. Mwah!

Kiss! Mmm!

Good night, daddy.
Good night, mommy.

Good night. Good night.

Whew!

Oh...

Steven, I know this
hasn't been easy for you.

But I want to tell you,

You were really wonderful today

With marv and michelle
and all those kids.

Thank you, honey,
but I can tell you,

It's all been worth it just
to be here alone with you.

It's like a sanctuary.

A cozy little haven
we can retreat to.

Yeah.

Hey!

Thanks for the
q-tips, aunt elyse.

I'll let myself out.

[Door closes]

Good night, honey.

Good night, steven.

[Telephone rings]

[Ring]

Hello.

Yes. I...

Yeah, well...

Well, one... One moment, please.

It's someone named buddy
calling marv from hawaii...

Collect.

What?

Marv! Uh, it's buddy.

From hawaii! Calling collect!

Oh, thanks, stevie.

I'm expecting the call.

Hey.

Buddy? Hey! Buddy!

Buddy, what's shakin'?

Ha ha ha! Ok, buddy.

Buddy, let's get
down to business.

What are we talking about here?

A crummy , gross of
ceramic pineapples? Come on!

Marv, what are you
doing in their bed?

These people need their sleep.

Now, hang up!

All right. All right!

Listen, buddy, I'll
call you tomorrow.

In tahiti.

Oh, listen, buddy.

Have the pineapple
people give me a call here.

You guys don't mind if the
pineapple people give us a call.

Just give them our
toll-free number.

Bye-bye. [Hangs up]

Hey, guys, good night.

You sleep tight.

Oh, listen, if
buddy does call...

All right, all right!

[Bagpipes playing]

What the hell is that?

Can I sleep here? I'm scared.

Come on. Come on.

I'm not going out there alone.

Hey, wait. Save
some room for me.

You always say we should
spend more time together.

Hi. I can explain. Ahem.

That's it! He's gone!

They are out of here tonight!

And I mean now!

Steven!

All right, michelle,

You and the kids can stay.

Actually, only you can stay.

[Scottish accent] do you
guys got any requests?

Yes, I do. Get out!

Well, I must say,

This has been as enjoyable an
experience as I'm capable of having.

Well, thanks for having us.

But I'll tell ya, next
year I'm going to club med.

Well, I'm glad that's fi...

Marv jr, you're
wearing my pants!

Hey! Hey!

Well, elyse, we tried.

Now, remember, michelle,

you don't have to go.

Oh, it's a lovely offer, steven,

But... We came as a family,

And I think we
should leave as one.

Steven: all right.

Hey, stevie! Elyse!
I had a great time.

Me, too, marv.

Sorry it had to
end up like this.

Oh, stop, don't
worry about that.

And, hey, listen,

If you're ever in
my neighborhood,

Please, don't you hesitate
to come stay with us.

We'll throw you out! Ha ha ha!

Marv jr. Took my pants.

He does that.

[Kiss kiss] bye-bye.

Bye!

Bye!

Marv: bye-bye.

All right. All right!

Now things are back to normal.

Just the of us.

One happy family.

All right, I know
marv is impossible.

And I know you guys have
no fun when they're here.

But I love my
sister. I... I really...

It's a great joy for
me to be with her.

So put yourself in my position.

Alex, mallory, you're
brother and sister.

You love each other. You
care about each other, right?

Well, for argument's sake.

Ok. Yeah.

Ok. Ok, well...

Let's say mallory marries
some guy that alex doesn't like.

Like nick.

For argument's sake.

Ok. How do you
handle that situation?

We just don't visit each other.

Elyse, look.

I wish this could be different,

But just because we're family,

Doesn't mean we're
all going to get along.

I really tried.

And I feel in some sense...

I failed you.

Us, too.

Yeah, we're sorry, mom.

We're sorry, mom. I blew it.

Thank you. I appreciate
you saying that.

They're gone!

Sit ubu, sit.

Good dog.

[Woof]