05x27 - Matchmaker

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Family Ties". Aired: September 22, 1982 - May 14, 1989.*
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Set in suburban Columbus, Ohio during the Reagan administration, Steven and Elyse Keaton are baby boomers, liberals and former hippies, raising their three children: ambitious, would-be millionaire entrepreneur Alex; fashion-conscious, gossipy Mallory; and tomboy Jennifer.
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05x27 - Matchmaker

Post by bunniefuu »

Johnny mathis: ♪ I bet
we've been together ♪

♪ For a million years ♪

Deniece williams: ♪ and I
bet we'll be together ♪

♪ For a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like I
started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

Both: ♪ and I can't remember ♪

♪ What I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ We can't love
each other through ♪

♪ Ooh hoo ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ Sha la la la ♪

Jennifer, I told you

I don't want that
computer in the kitchen.

But this is where I
do my homework, dad.

I told her she could
use it in here, honey.

Hey, come on, dad. Computers
are part of our lives now.

Join the eighties.

Join the seventies.

Jennifer, I know you
need it for school,

But, please, use
it in another room.

Ok, I'll use it in
the living room.

Not the living room!
There's already

An electric clock
in the living room!

I better go with him.

I don't want him to see
that -way light bulb I got.

Hey, mal. Hi, alex.

How was your date? Ok?

Fine.

Yeah? What'd you do?

Um, saw that new italian
movie down at the northtown.

Oh, yeah? Did your date
read you the subtitles?

[Sobbing] hey. Hey, mal,

I... I was just kiddin'.

I know you can read.

Alex, this is the sixth
guy I've gone out with

Since I broke up with rick

And the sixth
terrible time I've had.

Well, at least
you're consistent.

And then tonight I see
him with marilyn walker.

I mean, how come he can find
a girl, and I can't find a guy?

Now, mallory, look,
rick is a very special guy.

He's a... He's warm.
He's bright. He's funny.

Guy like that is
one in a million.

[Sobs]

Ahh, no. I don't...

Mean that he's one in a million.

I mean there are a
million of those guys,

And he's one of 'em.

Alex, is there something
wrong with me?

Let's... Let's try and stay in
a more productive area, ok?

Now, uh, let's... Let's try
and identify the problem.

Let's look at this logically.

Now, you're crying
because you can't find

A guy you like. Am I right?

It's just...

I feel so alone, alex.

Ok. All right. You're,
uh... You're crying,

And you're alone.

You know, time's
beginning to run out on me.

I'm almost .

You're, uh... You're
crying. You're alone,

And you're almost .

I think I can help.

[Sighs] you can? How?

Well, uh...

I'll help you find a guy.

You will?

Sure.

Sure. I know a lot of guys,

You know, from college, and...

And maybe I could find
the right one for you.

See? Things aren't
as bad as you think.

Really? Sure.

Look, mallory, you are
a wonderful person,

And... And if you wanna
have a guy to date,

Then you should
have a guy to date,

And I'll find him for you.

Alex, you're really wonderful
sometimes. You know that?

Ahh.

I know.

It's a burden I have to bear.

Wh-what's that?

Well, I'm just showin' you
how it can add up numbers.

See? Plus .

How do we know if it's right?

Hi.

Oh, no, skippy.

Since when have you become
interested in computers?

Are you kidding?

Mr. Keaton, I see
the computer as...

A-an unexplored cave that
contains unknown treasures,

Treasures that
ultimately could be the key

To a... A happier,
more fulfilling life.

Besides, you can
play pac-man on it.

Uh, th-that reminds me.
I don't want this thing

Used for any of those
silly computer games.

It's here as an
educational tool,

And that's it.
Please tell jennifer.

Uh, yeah. I will, dad.

Ok. I know it's a
hang-up of mine,

But I hate these modern gadgets.

Where you goin', dad?

The kitchen. I thought I'd
make myself some toast.

Right. Let me know if you need
any help churning the butter.

I...

Uh, pardon me. Mr. Keaton,
uh, may I join you?

I... I happen to be something
of a wizard with toast.

So I've heard, skippy. Come on.

Oh, hi, alex.

Oh, hey, mal. Glad you're here.

I have spent the entire day

Interviewing some of the most
eligible men on the leland campus.

Mal, I think this thing
is gonna work out.

Oh. Listen, alex.

I do appreciate what you're...
What you're trying to do,

But let's just forget it, ok?

Wai... Wh-what?

I'm sorry I got all
emotional last night.

I'm really kind of
embarrassed now.

No, no, no. Mal, what
happened last night

Was a... Was a pivotal
event in our relationship.

You opened up to me, and I'm not
gonna turn my back on you now.

It's ok. You don't have
to fix me up with anyone.

[Sighs] I already have
a few guys in mind.

Really? Who?

Well, their, uh... Their names
and a brief portfolio of each

Are right in here.

Let's open it up and
take a look at 'em.

Ok.

Now I'm gonna ask
you a... A few questions,

And I want some honest answers.

Ok. What if I get 'em wrong?

Well, mallory, these are questions
about your personal tastes,

Your likes and your dislikes.

Y-you can't get a
wrong answer. Oh, ok.

Ok, now, what is the most important
quality in a man's personality?

Ah, sense of humor.

Wrong.

What?

Aw, come on. Mallory,
if sense of humor

Was the most important
quality in a man's personality,

You... You'd be dating
cheech & chong.

Oh. Oh, ok. Um...

Sensitivity.

Sensitivity?

Mallory, I don't know
any sensitive guys.

I insist on sensitivity,
alex. He has to be sensitive.

All right. Ok. All right.

Sensitivity and a
sense of humor.

Ehh. Shudder to think
what this guy's gonna be like.

Hey, where's mallory?

Upstairs, I think.

Well, what's she doin' upstairs?

A-alex.

She, uh, shouldn't
keep her date waiting.

Why are you so excited
about mallory's date?

Usually you just wait till
they leave and then laugh.

Well, mom, that
is going to change.

You mean you're going to
laugh while they're still here?

Tonight, I have
handpicked mallory's date.

What are you talking about?

Well, in an effort
to improve the, uh,

Wretched and bleak quality
of mallory's social life,

I've arranged a date for her

With one of the most
eligible men at leland college.

Why are you doing this?

Because mallory is my sister,

I care about her a lot,
and I like to see her happy.

How much money's involved?

Oh, steven, give
him a little credit.

He's trying to do
something nice for his sister.

Is it more than $ ?

Well?

Steven: oh, you
look beautiful. Ha!

Elyse: stunning, honey.

Hey, wa-wait. Mal.
Mallory. Mallory.

I... I thought we had discussed

What you were
gonna wear tonight.

I'm not wearin' that
outfit, alex. That's final.

Wh-what is wrong
with that outfit?

That was a fabulous,
feminine outfit.

I spent a whole day
at beautiful young miss

Pickin' that out.

Th-the least you
could do is humor me.

I'm not wearing it, alex.

Not even the petticoat?

Look, I'm really
nervous about this.

I don't even know if I
can go through with it.

Ah, come on, mallory. There's
nothin' to be nervous about.

You're gonna like this guy.

You guys have
everything in common.

I don't know.

I do know, mal.

I fed your vital statistics
into this computer...

And I found out you
guys are compatible

In everything from...
From breakfast cereals

To positions on
nuclear disarmament.

I don't have a position
on nuclear disarmament.

Neither does he.

See? This is the kind
of lack of substance

That great
relationships are built on.

Mallory, look...

You're about to meet
the man of your dreams.

Really? Ok? All right?

You're a little nervous,
and it's understandable,

But when he gets here,

You just let me handle
everything, all right?

Ok. Ok.

[Doorbell] whup.

Ohh. There he is.

Ok. I got it.

I got it.

Roger. Hey.

Come on in. Thanks, alex.

Hope you didn't have any
trouble finding the place.

No. Thanks for
the police escort.

Roger, this is mallory.

Mallory, this is roger sloate.

Hi.

Oh! And, uh, that's my mom,

My dad, and this is jennifer.

It's a pleasure to
meet you, roger.

Nice to meet you, mr. Keaton.

Ok. Hey, enough of
the introductions, huh?

Why don't we all sit down and
get a little better acquainted.

I guess...

Guess you two kids have
a lot to talk about, huh?

Go ahead. Go ahead.

So alex has told me a
lot about you, mallory.

Only good things, mal.

Heh. Uh, you go
to leland, right?

Sophomore.

Engineering major.

Yeah, that's right.

I understand they
have a very fine

Engineering program at leland.

Ma.

Yeah. I enjoy it very
much, mrs. Keaton.

Yeah, yeah. He... He enjoys
it very much, mrs... Mom.

Is alex their interpreter?

Yes.

Uh, so where are you
two off to tonight?

Dad, do you mind?

I'm... I'm sorry.
Forgive my rudeness.

I lost my head.

Actually, i, uh,
made reservations

For you two at the bear's lair.

Oh, thanks.

And then afterwards,
I thought you could go

And see that new
james bond movie.

Oh, I've seen that
already. I hated it.

I saw that. I loved it.

Ah, a little spat.
Isn't that cute?

Ok. You guys better get goin'.

Ok.

See you later. Bye.

Bye. Yeah.

Uh, mal, uh...

Roger wanted you to have these.

Oh. Uh...

Ah heh.

Thanks, roger.

Uh, it was the least I could do.

Uh, we'll be seein' you later.

Yeah. Nice to meet you.

Bye-bye. Have fun tonight, huh?

Bye-bye. Ok. Good night.

Don't wait up for us.

Just wanted to see 'em
safely off the porch.

Ok, push this to pitch
and this to swing the bat.

[Whine, bink]

Oh. Yay. A home run
on the first swing.

It even has a little
computer guy

Patting the batter
on his behind.

Go for it, dad.

Ok, one pitch,

Just to prove how
dehumanizing this game is. What...

Push these buttons.

[Whine, buzzer]

Strike one.

[Whine]

[Buzzer]

Strike .

[Warble]

[Horn]

Strike . You're out, dad.

Strike?! It was high and inside!

That almost hit me! What's wrong
with this stupid computer ump!

Calm down, dad. Steven.

See how dehumanized I became?

Ok, well, it's my turn now.

Je-jennifer. Come
on. I... I just sat down.

That first one was...
Was... Was practice.

[Whine, bink]

Hey. Base hit.

Ok, now I'm... Oh, come on! I...

Excuse me.

Game's called on
account of the darkness.

Come on, honey.
It's time for bed.

Oh, more minutes. Please?

Forget it, steven.

Hey, what you doin', dad?

Uh, i... I was just
takin' this upstairs.

Um, to wash it.

[Door opens] yeah, well...

I had a real nice time. Yeah.

The mariachi band was great.

Yeah. Night.

Night.

How was your date?

Alex, what are you doing here?

Just standing here.

Happen to, uh... Happen
to like standing here.

Good night.

Night.

Good night.

Great guy, huh?

He's all right.

All right? Come on!

Mallory, he is perfect for you.

He's all right.

Actually, alex,
he's not that bright.

See what I mean?

He's perfect for you.

Listen, alex, uh,

I appreciate what
you've tried to do,

But, um, it's over.

I... I don't like
roger that much,

So I'm not gonna go
out with him anymore.

Oh.

You, uh, don't like
roger that much,

And you're not gonna
go out with him anymore.

Simple as that.

What about me, mallory?

What about my feelings?

Your feelings?

Yeah. I... I put a lot
of time and effort

In trying to help you out,
and is this the thanks I get?

Alex... Is this the mallory

Who was cryin' on my
shoulder a week ago?

Is this the mallory who said,

"Alex, I haven't met a
guy I liked in months"?

Is this the mallory...

All right.

All right, alex,
I'll tell you what.

One more date, ok?

Uh, you can come
along. We'll double.

But if it doesn't work
out, that's the end of it, ok?

Hey, don't do it for me, mal.

Alex...

I'm tellin' you, this
place is fantastic.

This is gonna be
a special night.

There's just... There's
electricity in the air.

I can... I can just feel it.

It's a good thing I
wore rubber boots.

Ah ha ha!

Boy, I haven't
laughed like this...

Rog, mal, I'm... I was amazed

When I found out how
much you two had in common.

You know, you're both so
interested in fashion and...

I'm not interested
in fashion at all.

Sure. Sure. Sure, you are, rog.

I mean, come on. Isn't... Isn't your
father in the fashion business?

He owns a lumberyard.

Yeah. Ok. So, uh...

So lumberyard.

Fabric is bought by the yard.

Connection is almost eerie.

So how about a little, uh,
spontaneous conversation?

Starting... Now.

Mallory, mallory,
tell... Tell roger about...

About that funny thing
that happened to you at work.

Um, nothing funny
happened to me at work, alex.

Um, something funny
happened to me at work.

Tracy, will you let someone
else get a word in edgewise?

[Slow music begins playing]

Whoa, great song.

Why don't you kids get
out there and dance, huh?

I really don't feel like it.

Yeah. Me neither.

You both listed dancing
as a favorite activity.

Rog, you listed it second.
Mallory, you listed it fourth.

Come on, let's split the
difference and dance.

Great couple, huh?

Uh, excuse me.

Uh...

Uh, rog, you mind if I cut in?

Sure.

Thanks.

Alex, why'd you do that?

Mallory, when I sent you out
here, I sent you out here to dance.

This is a slow number. You
should have been slow dancing.

Like... Like roger and tracy.

Excuse me for a minute.

Uh, pa-pardon me, may I cut in?

Sure.

Wh-why were you
dancing with tracy?

Because I like her. Because
you cut in on me and mallory.

Yeah, well, rog, I
only did that be...

I only... Look, uh, why don't
we sit down and talk about this?

I don't wanna sit down and
talk about it. I wanna dance.

Rog, my feet
are killin' me. I...

Alex, why don't you
just leave us alone?

Look, I can't leave you alone.

When I leave you alone,
rog, nothin' happens.

Well, maybe it's not
supposed to happen.

No, look, rog.
According to this,

You are almost
my brother-in-law.

Hey, pal, I don't wanna
be your brother-in-law.

I don't even wanna
be your sister.

And I definitely do
not wanna be your date.

Ok, to .

Your favor.

Your ball out. I
warn you, elyse.

I know all your moves now.

You have scored
your last basket.

You ready?

Ready.

Oh!

In your face.

G-good sh*t. Good sh*t.

Thanks.

Ok, i, uh... I think I got
the hang of it now.

Set 'em up again.

Oh, jennifer!
What are you doin'?

Well, we only rented
the computer for a week.

Has to be back tonight.

Is a week up already?

Now, listen, dad. I know how
you feel about these things.

You've been really
tolerant, and I appreciate it.

Oh, that's ok.

Listen, you don't have to
worry about it anymore.

As of tonight, it'll be
gone from your life.

Well, I'm glad that ugly
chapter's over with.

Me, too.

Although jennifer did seem
to enjoy havin' it around.

She did.

You know, you could
always put aside

Your personal
feelings and buy her one.

You're right. I should
think about her needs first.

Jennifer! Jennifer!

Honey!

Ok, mallory, look. I
was wrong. I admit it.

Why don't we just go
out to the driveway?

You can back the car
over me a few times.

Where are the keys?

I... I don't understand
it. That's all.

I mean, you and roger
were great together.

Just what was it that
you didn't like about him?

I don't know.
Nothing in particular.

He was a nice guy, right? Yeah.

And he was a
good-enough-lookin' guy, right?

Kinda cute, yeah.

All right, I'm gettin'
him over here.

No! Hey, come on, alex.

Now, cut it out!

I don't want to go out with
him anymore, and I mean it.

I... I just do not get it.

Why didn't you two hit it off?

I don't know, alex,
but I do know this.

Now, just because people have
similar interests and backgrounds

Doesn't mean they're
gonna fall in love.

Why not?

Because the right
chemistry has to be there.

You know, certain... Certain feelings
and emotions just have to click right,

And they didn't click
with roger and me.

You, but you looked
so good on paper.

We're not made of paper, alex.

All right, ok, now
we're gettin' down to it.

See, I'm made of paper.

Well, I don't actually
mean I'm made of paper.

I mean I'm capable...
I mean I like paper!

What am I trying
to say, mallory?

You're trying to say, alex, that
you're not good with emotions,

But you're great
with facts and figures.

Right.

And you love a situation

Where you can
control all the elements

And the human
equation is removed.

Right.

And you like to believe
that every problem

Has some kind of
logical solution.

Right!

Are you following
any of this, mallory?

Following it? I'm saying it.

Ok. As long as I
made myself clear.

Alex, you saw that roger
and I weren't getting along.

Why did you keep forcing it?

Well...

Because I can't...

Uh...

Can't accept failure.

You know, I mean...

I just wanna make you happy.

I really did, and...
And I was going to,

Whether you liked it or not.

Thanks, alex.

But you have to understand that
relationships are unpredictable.

You know, there's that...
That magic. You know,

That special something has
to be there. It defies logic.

I know.

I hate that.

You know what's funny?

Sometimes opposites attract.

You know, sometimes you can be
attracted to the least likely person.

I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

Sit, ubu, sit.

Good dog. [Barks]
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