02x14 - Cat and Mouse

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Resident Alien"...

You are the Greys.
What are you going to do?

We will destroy you and
everyone you care about.

There's alien activity here.

- I know it.
- What are you gonna do?

Call the Alien Tracker and
tell him to come to Patience

and find himself an alien.

I need a refill on these pain meds.

These can be very addictive.

- Who's Mary Ellen Taylor?
- My mom.

I liked my life the
way it was, still do.

I don't think this guy's an alien.

Did you notice anything different

about that new lunch
lady? She might be MIB.

MIB stole the baby last night.

What assholes, exclamation mark!

Our first battery of exams

haven't detected any
extraterrestrial DNA,

but our next round of
experimental tests...

Forget it. I'm going in.

Yes, ma'am.

I'll inform the guards
to prepare the restraints.

Restraints?

Don't bother.

He's not an alien.

None of them are.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SIGHS]

I remember being a kid,
the pranks we'd play.

You'd do anything to
fit in, so I get it.

It's clear you look like this dead boy.

But whose idea was it for
you to pretend to be an alien?

You can tell me.

You won't get in trouble.

If you had any idea
the hundreds of subjects,

the thousands of tests,

then you would cut the fake-alien sh*t!

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

They're real, you know.

I saw them with my father...

when I was about your age.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Your eyes were playing tricks on you.

I know what I saw.
Look at the damn photos.

Oh, we have.

Could have been a weather balloon.

Who the hell are you?

It's just and your daughter, right?

♪ Leave it alone ♪

♪ Give it a rest ♪

Dad, no!

♪ Say what you needed to say ♪

♪ I got no happy ♪

♪ In my head ♪

♪ I miss that feeling ♪

♪ I had ♪

♪ That we're all alone ♪

[SQUAWKS SOFTLY]

[SHUDDERS]

My people began as aquatic creatures.

I am glad we grew legs and
started walking on land.

I would not want to be a fish,

in the same way I do
not want to be a human.

So much of their lives
is out of their control.

The fish swims forward looking for food,

and when they find it, they
get yanked out of their homes

by a weird being, measured and probed,

and then thrown back into their home.

It is not the fish's fault.

If I was hungry and I
saw a pizza on a hook,

I might not be able to
control myself either.

- [BREATHES DEEPLY]
- It's my fault.

I spent my whole life
trying to protect you.

I should have told you what
I knew about your mother

a long time ago.

Now I understand why you didn't.

You know, I met her
when she joined our band.

She was pregnant already.

So you were, like...

[CHUCKLES] The fifth member.

Did you know my father?

Mary-Ellen kept that to herself.

I ended up watching
you most of the time.

Then one day she was just gone.

How do you just leave a
kid like that on a doorstep

- and not care at all?
- I don't know.

My bandmates told me to call CPS, but...

I called an adoption lawyer instead.

You're too kind for your own good.

It wasn't kindness;

it was love.

You were yourself, Asta,
the day you were born.

I can't make people
see how special you are,

but I always have.

I lost a drummer, but
I gained a daughter.

More than a fair trade, I'd say.

[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC]

- Thanks, Dad.
- Yeah.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Oh, I thought I heard voices.

- Morning, Kayla.
- Ben, hi

Kayla asked me to help her with a case.

Honey, that's amazing.

See, I knew you'd back into
law when the timing was right.

What's the case?

I am helping Kayla's law firm

get a temporary restraining order

to stop the resort from moving forward.

Huh.

Great.

Can I get you some more coffee?

- Oh, that'd be nice, honey.
- Mm-hmm.

So, um, the judge is gonna
decide whether we've proven...

[COFFEE GRINDER WHIRRING LOUDLY]

Um, whether we've proven...

[COFFEE GRINDER WHIRRING LOUDLY]

Sorry, Kayla.

[CHUCKLES] Look, listen,
the key to all of this

is just that we're gonna prove
that the environmental impact...

[COFFEE GRINDER WHIRRING LOUDLY]

If we've proven...

Irreparable...

environmental...

[COFFEE GRINDER WHIRRING LOUDLY]

Ben!

[WHIRRING STOPS]

Did you say my name?

I know what you're doing.

Barista-ing?

You know what? I'm
just going to head out.

I'll let you know what the judge says,

and, um, I'll take a rain check
on that coffee.

And the vacuuming you
were probably about to do.

Yeah.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Was that the most mature
thing you've ever done?

Mm, top three.

Look, I know we're on different sides

- of this resort thing.
- Mm-hmm.

Maybe it wasn't fair of me to
have a meeting like that here.

Thank you.

So we make a pact.

The second we walk in that door,

we don't talk about the resort.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[SIGHS] Deal.

Okay.

[GROWLING]

So stupid.

Hey, you wanted to see me?

[CLEARS THROAT] Yes, uh...

I have, uh, something
that I wanted to tell you,

but I don't know how, so
I wrote it in a letter.

Okay, just tell me.

Okay.

"Dear, Asta, the Greys
are here to k*ll us all"?

That's your opening?

I wanted to get your attention.

Good job. It worked.

- Mm.
- [SIGHS] Are we all gonna die?

- Again?
- Mm.

- Why are they here?
- I do not know.

It all happened very fast. He
threatened me and then left.

You are a Grey.

Yes, and you are...

[SPEAKING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE]

It's funny to hear it in your accent.

I will find these Greys. Do not worry.

You drew the Earth exploding.

But, yeah, sure, nothing to worry about.

But the artistry is...

pretty undeniable.

You've reached Detective Lena Torres,

Jessup PD... Please leave a message.

- [LINE BEEPS]
- Uh, hello, Detective.

It's, uh, Mike Thompson calling.

Uh, actually, I heard on the scanner

that you guys were dealing
with a g*ng of turkey thieves.

I just wanted to make sure you know

that we can offer help or
reinforcements if you need it.

Um, actually, to me, it's kind of crazy

somebody would want to steal something

that looks like a peacock
had sex with a loose red sock.

But, um, anyway, um, I was calling

because I was just wondering
what you was up to, and...

Oh, good morning, sir.
I didn't know you were here yet.

- Here's your bear claw.
- Just one second, please.

Uh, sorry about that, Detective.

Anyway, like I said, you
can give me a call sometime.

All right, thank you. Bye-bye.

I knew it.

You two are gonna have
ten babies together.

[STAMMERS] Deputy, what are you doing?

- I hadn't hung up yet.
- No, I'm...

I was right on the brink of
leaving the perfect message,

and then as I'm about
to nail my triple axel,

you come up behind me with a lead pipe

and take out both my knees?

But I only accidentally
smashed your knees,

and it really wasn't a lead pipe.

Like, it was more of a soft wooden bat,

because women like babies.

I'm just... I'm gonna...

I'm gonna leave this here.

[MUMBLES]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS, GROANS]

[WINCES]

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

D'arcy.

- Good morning, champ.
- Hi.

Is it morning?

It's, like, :.

[SIGHS] Have you seen my blender lid?

No.

It's always in this drawer.
You sure you didn't move it?

I have a whole system.

I never pegged you for a system person.

I also said "good morning."

[SIGHS] You did.

[CHUCKLES]

Mmm.

Wait, do you think I'm messy?

No, not at all.

I like you being a neat
freak about your blender.

[CHUCKLES] Neat freak?

I'm a neat freak because I put things

in the drawer where they belong?

[CHUCKLES] I mean, come on, you know...

Is the carpenter who
puts separate containers

for the forks and
knives also a neat freak?

You know who was a real neat freak?

Whoever invented numbers.

You know, each one is
its own separate thing.

What a neat freak.

You really gonna rant at
me about a blender lid?

I just need you to help me find it.

- Here.
- Oh.

Huh. Thank you.

You are like my little
appliances truffle pig.

[BLENDER WHIRRING]

Mm.

Mmm, so good.

- You want one?
- Are you okay?

You seem a little all
over the place lately.

Um, just in my head about
the hardpack tournament.

Competition mode...
It's an intense mode.

Ah, if you're stressed,
we'll skip tonight.

No, no way.

Sir, dinner is on.

Mwah! Gonna see you tonight.

Gonna make me something
with protein in it.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, Deputy.

Any word from Detective Torres?

- No, Deputy.
- Maybe she's busy.

Maybe she don't want to have ten babies.

Anyway, uh, weren't you
trying to get in touch

with that Alien Tracker guy?

Oh, I gave up.

I sent emails.

He didn't respond to even one.

You know, I spent all this
time putting him on a pedestal.

He's probably just a jerk.

Okay, well, he's also here.

It was emails, actually.

Would you care to
have lunch with a jerk?

[GASPS SOFTLY]

We've got a problem.

Uh, apparently, a couple
of power-hungry lawyers

are filing a restraining order

to temporarily stop the resort project.

Really? How you know that?

Well, let's just say
you don't become mayor

without having a few
ears out in the community.

- Kate's one of the lawyers.
- She sure is.

- Okay.
- Yes.

And I would blame that
for my stress headache,

but I've had that since I was six.

Okay, you know what?

You done come to the right place,

'cause you happen to be in the presence

of a professional masseur.

Here, go ahead. Take a seat.

Take a seat. Go ahead.

- You went to massage school?
- I sure did.

- I graduated top of my class.
- Hmm.

Taught myself in my own kitchen.

Is it too late to stand back up?

No, no, you're fine. Don't worry.

I learned the old-fashioned way.

See, I practiced on cats.

If you can massage a cat at : a. m.

Without being scratched to
death or waking your neighbor,

you graduate.

You know, the more feral, the better.

I remember for my masters,

I found this cat in an alleyway.

I still can't grow hair on my
left forearm, but I graduated.

Ow, well, uh, the back
pain has drowned out

the head pain, so thank you.

- Oh, you're welcome.
- Very much.

Now that you've got a clear head,

you can start thinking about how

to get Kate off of this
resort thing when you get home.

Uh, well, see, that's...
That's the problem.

I can't.

We agreed not to talk about
the resort when we're at home.

That's a good idea. That's
best for your marriage.

I, on the other hand, am not
married to either one of you.

Look, invite me over to dinner.

I accept. I'll see you tonight.

Uh, I'm having a hard time
turning my head to the left?

Yes, you know what? The
cats had the same problem.

Try this. Try hunching your
back over like this and hissing.

I'll see you later.

W-what?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

I have figured out
how to stop the Greys.

What?

That's great. What are you gonna do?

There is another alien convention

in New Mexico next week.

It will be filled with humans

that have been probed and implanted

by those horrible Grey creatures.

That's true.

You could use those people
to, what, track the Greys?

No, I will kidnap the humans
and rip out their implants

and then re-implant them
in professional show dogs.

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

The Greys will be so confused.

"Why is that human that I abducted

running around in circles
and jumping over gates?"

That will stop them for
three to five minutes.

We need to start
thinking about a plan B.

Mm, what?

Yeah.

Hey.

That guy looks an awful lot like...

[GASPS] Oh, my God,
that's the Alien Tracker.

He's sitting in a booth with Liv.

- Why is he with Liv?
- Is he ordering pie?

I don't know. Let's go.

I was here earlier.
There's only one left.

He has a dessert menu,
the son of a bitch!

Oh, God.

The ship was gone by the
time the other kids came back,

but, somehow, in that
moment, I felt like...

You felt your world expand

beyond anything you
ever imagined possible.

Wow. Exactly.

But the thing that I remember
most was feeling alone.

I knew no one would believe
me, except my Aunt Cathy.

But her favorite shirt
was a straitjacket.

Well, that's why so few come forward.

You know, I'm producing a documentary

where experiencers share their stories.

People need to know they're not alone.

You're so noble.

You're like a lion.

Would you be interested
in participating?

Oh, I couldn't.

I would be so worried about
what everyone might think

that my elbows would start to sweat.

They're... They're sweating now.

Hey, you can't just come
back here... it's unsanitary.

Okay, Dad,

we need to stay here until
this guy leaves, okay?

He knows that Harry's an alien,

and he might recognize
me from the convention.

Dan, do not sell that bad man any pie.

- Hmm.
- [SIGHS, GASPS]

Excuse me.

Ah!

- What's going on?
- He saw me. Give me a fork.

I need to s*ab him in the
neck... and anyone who saw.

- I have a lot of necks to s*ab.
- You're not stabbing anyone!

- No.
- She's right.

Go out the back.

What's going on? Is everything okay?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

I have to check something
out... I'll be back.

Is checking tracking?

Are you alien checking?

I'll be here.

[POP ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, Liv.

- Were you just here with friend?
- Oh, no.

It might be early for the F word,

but he did share some
childhood-trauma stuff.

- Mm.
- Plus, I do know his birthday,

favorite color, and moon sign.

Holy crap, I'm friends
with the Alien Tracker.

The Alien Tracker...

Isn't that that podcast you listen to?

Like, he chases Martians or something?

Yeah, but Peter is so
much more than that.

He literally wrote the book

on government alien conspiracies.

Mm, so is he here
visiting his number-one fan

or here on business?

He thinks that there
might be alien activity

right here in Patience.

He's checking out a lead now.

How exciting is that?

Wow, that is really exciting.

Man, he means business.

I wouldn't want to be that alien.

[BELLE AND SEBASTIAN'S
"SUKIE IN THE GRAVEYARD"]

Hi, Dr. Vanderspeigle.

Can I ask you about making
an appointment for...

♪ Sukie was the kid ♪

♪ She liked to hang
out in the graveyard ♪

Excuse me.

♪ She did brass rubbings ♪

♪ She learned she never
had to press hard ♪

♪ When she was finished hanging out ♪

♪ She was all alone ♪

♪ She decided that she
better check in at home ♪

♪ There was an awful row
between her mum and dad ♪

♪ They said she hadn't done
this, she hadn't done that ♪

♪ If she wanted to remain
inside the family home ♪

♪ She'd have to toe the line,
she'd have to give it a go ♪

♪ It didn't suit Sukie, she
took her things and left ♪

♪ Sukie was the kid ♪

♪ She liked to hang
out in the graveyard ♪

[OBJECTS CLATTER]

Ah.

I should have k*lled you

when you were begging me
not to rip your neck open

like a stupid baby.

Sometimes I wish you had.

The only thing that kept me going

was the incontrovertible fact
that the next time I saw you,

you would be the one cowering in fear.

[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]

I did not want to m*rder this man

in the middle of town.

It is going to be messy for the people

who clean up dead bodies.

I'll write "sorry" on
the wall in his blood.

[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]

[GROWLS]

Witness, he... he was
texting while walking.

Sustained, Your Honor.

Exhibit, bailiff.

It's okay, ma'am.

It'll take more than
that to take me out.

[SIGHS IN RELIEF]

Oh, there you are.

Your underwear is arousing me sexually.

Let me buy you a beer,

uh, woman that I just met.

[CHUCKLES]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

So... this is finally happening, huh?

- Mm.
- I remember that pap smear.

You were down there for quite a while.

I think you saw something you liked.

- I get it.
- Oh, no!

We have changed.

We have grown apart.

The mature thing for us to do
is to go our way separately.

It is not me. It is you.

It is me.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- Well, crap.

- Can you spot me a tequila?
- Sure.

Yeah, just got diz-numped.

Hello.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

I saved your breakfast.

The busboy tried to take it.
I had to show him my g*n.

Yeah, I'm not hungry.

I grabbed a sandwich at the deli.

Oh.

Anyway, you ran off so fast.

Did you find something?

[WHISPERING] Uh, was it the alien?

[SIGHS]

You know, people think you
have to be alone somewhere

for them to get to you.

My wife and I were on a
crowded bus in New York City,

and they ripped my child out
of my wife's pregnant belly.

I'm not gonna let anyone
else suffer like we did.

So, even if there was an alien
standing right next to us,

I would not tell you.

And I wouldn't take any action...

not with any innocent people around.

That is so admirable.

Did I say that already?

I feel like I'm repeating myself.

My elbows are hot again.

So what did you want to show me?

Oh.

I've been documenting possible
alien activity in Patience,

possible UFO sightings,

you know, the stuff
people call in about.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

What is this?

Oh, that was a hoax
started by the mayor's son.

I already questioned him.
It was nothing.

Unless it means something to you.

No.

May I hang on to this for a bit?

You like my book?

Of course, yes, you can hang on to it.

Sweaty.

Let's catch up tonight, hours.

Is there a tavern around here?

Yeah, we have a pub. It's called The .

I prefer a tavern.

- Is there a difference?
- There is a big difference.

Oh, we just have a pub.

I suppose I can go with that.

Thank you. Have a nice day.

I'll see you there. You stay safe, now.

Okay.

Okay, these are for heartburn.

These are for my cat's heartburn.

Ooh, I don't know what this one is.

[COUGHS] Oh.

I think that one was a bead.

Judes, my knee is on fire.

I need the pain meds that you took

after you fell off the roof.

Yeah, roofing looks like
it'd be so easy, yeah?

[SCOFFS] It's not.

[SIGHS] Ooh, maybe these ones.

- Do you have dry mouth...
- Yes.

- Constipation...
- So much.

- And mood swings?
- Oh, my God, give me those.

That's it.

Can... can I keep just, like, one,

just in case I swallow any more beads?

No, just don't eat beads.

Wow.

Are you, like, a doctor?

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SCARFING]

What are you doing here?

Oh, you should be hiding.

I'm an alien.

Aliens do not hide from humans.

Well, you should.

I talked to Liv.

This whole Alien Tracker
thing is not just for show.

He's an expert on aliens.

He even wrote a book

about some secret alien
government program.

Harry, he could hurt you.

Could you tell the angry nurse

to make a ham sandwich next time?

I feel like maybe you're not
taking this very seriously.

What could the Alien Tracker know

about aliens that I do not?

He knows about a secret
government alien program,

which means he could know anything,

about your people, the Greys.

Who knows?

It's not safe for you
to wander around here.

You really should go home and hide.

Humans hide. Aliens hunt.

If the Alien Tracker

has gained insider
knowledge on the Greys,

perhaps I can use him to get to them.

Okay, I will go.

Thank you.

Do you want my pickle?

It's floppy.

No.

All right.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

[CRUNCHES]

Max.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.

- My name is Peter Bach.
- You're the Alien Tracker!

I need your help finding someone...

or maybe I should say "something."

Uh, that's just a joke I made up.

I'm really funny for my size.

Well, I-I don't think it's a joke.

This looks exactly
like an extraterrestrial

that I saw here today.

- You can really see them?
- Just like you.

No, I told you... I just made it up.

I remember when I saw my first alien

that had a humanoid form.

But when I saw his face... like a snake.

Whoa. An Alpha Draconian.

His gaze bore right into mine,

but no one else could see what I saw.

To them, he looked just
like a regular person.

I thought I was going crazy.

Now, you've probably been
called crazy before. too.

Yeah.

Why don't you tell me who he is?

- I can't.
- Max, listen to me.

I understand. You're
trying to protect him.

H-he's probably got you convinced

that he's your friend.

But aliens don't come all
this way to be our friends.

They come here to do us harm.

This one won't. He's a good alien.

You see this?

He did that.

He would k*ll me if
he had half a chance.

And if it suits him, that
alien will k*ll you, too.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Here, call me when you're
ready to tell me who he is.

All of humanity might be at stake.

There is a word for
little boys like Max...

"traitor."

[ENGINE TURNING OVER]

And also "sh*t weasel" and "dink."

There are many words.

- Here you go, honey.
- Mmm, thank you, hon.

- Excellent soup.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, thank you.

You know how a taste can take you back?

This soup here... This
reminds me this one time.

- Five years ago...
- Mm-hmm.

I had a bowl of soup...
Taste just like this.

Speaking of work, I heard

uh, there was quite a commotion
on Main Street the other day.

- Hmm.
- Apparently Mike

had to round up a pack
of rowdy teenagers.

Yes, I did.

They were throwing Dan's stale
dumpster doughnuts at traffic.

They were frozen solid
like hockey pucks,

could have k*lled somebody.

You know, why would
they do such a thing?

I'll tell you why... Boredom.

Yes, it is a big, big
problem in quiet towns.

Oh, is that so?

It is so.

You know, teenagers, they need something

to keep their naturally
criminal mind occupied,

you know, something like
skiing or riding gondolas

or shopping at hip stores.

Oh, I see what this is.

What? This is nothing.

I just invited Mike
over for a good meal.

Although technically food isn't a meal

unless it's solid, but...

I do understand where
you're coming from Mike.

Obviously, there's a lot
to gain from a resort,

but I now realize that there
may be a lot more to lose.

You see, you and I... We're a lot alike.

We're both city people.
We miss the same things...

You know, the action, the culture,

having a museum that's
got something in it

other than pickaxes and
whorehouse furniture.

Sorry about that. You probably
don't know what that is.

- No, he doesn't.
- Okay.

You see, a whore is somebody
who gets paid for sex,

- like a prost*tute or...
- Okay. Okay.

I think that's enough
of a vocabulary lesson.

I love cities and museums,

but Patience is a quaint town,

and I'm really beginning
to appreciate that.

A resort would take away its charm.

Patience don't need
charm. It needs rats.

Uh, W-what's that?

- I like rats.
- You should.

Nothing says successful town
like a good rat infestation.

See, every healthy town

has restaurants that's full of people,

and that means they throwing
away half their food,

and that brings in the rats.

This one time, I was
on a stakeout in D.C.,

and I fell asleep, and
a rat ran right across my face.

I knew at that moment, I had made it.

I think you're losing the argument.

Why did I even go?

What did I expect?

She's your mom. You had to try.

[SIGHS] I know.

I just thought that she would tell me

that what happened to her
was like with me and Jay,

you know?

She gave me up to give me a better life,

but she still loved me...

or at least thought of me.

Except it's not true.

You know what every child needs most?

- Hmm?
- For their mother to tell them

they love them and that they'll
always be there for them.

It's, like, the bare minimum.

I could have used that.

Yeah, but she couldn't give that to you.

And that's on her.
You can't control that.

And, yeah, it left a big hole,

but you filled that with
family, with your dad,

Graham, me, all of us.

And we love you unconditionally,

and that's never gonna change.

Thank you. I love you guys, too.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

What's this? This my tip?

Sorry, it's all I got.

Well, maybe then don't come into a bar.

How about that? Yeah?

- Okay. Wow. Okay.
- No, it's not okay, actually.

What the hell's wrong with
you? It's ruining the Earth.

These are precious metals, all right?

[COIN CLATTERS]

Can I get you two hotties anything?

- Uh, no.
- No.

We're... we're good.

Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!

You let me know.

- What the hell was that?
- [INHALES DEEPLY]

And, yes, a new soccer
field would be nice,

but at what cost?

You know, the added
revenue the resort brings in

would be so good for the town.

I mean, think... think of the tourism.

Honey, I am talking to Mike.

- You know the pact.
- Mm-hmm.

You and I shouldn't get into it.

Right.

Tell the mayor that tourists
bring a lot more than money.

They bring traffic and noise.

I mean, and can we even talk
about the environmental impact?

- [SCOFFS]
- I mean, you...

You just heard that, right?

It don't make no sense
for me to repeat it

- if you just heard it.
- Well, see, what impact?

The developer has

a near-perfect environmental record.

Okay, is there another
way of saying that?

'Cause that makes it sound
like it ain't perfect.

It's not perfect...
If they get a resort,

we'd lose % of the state's
natural geese habitat.

If we have a resort,

the state gets % more snowplows.

Max, you like snowplows, right?

Max, how do you like
to see your geese...

Up in the air or in a mass grave?

I'm gonna go eat upstairs.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I mean, personally, I
think the geese can move.

I mean, they can fly.

Okay. You want to talk?

Let's talk it out.

So you get a resort.

Maybe some rich businessman runs it.

He comes to town. He likes it here.

Maybe he even runs for mayor and wins.

Everybody likes him.

Now let's say that that businessman

starts throwing his money around,

and suddenly all the
buildings are ugly and modern

and have his name on them.

He gets cocky.

He offers you a million
dollars to bang your wife.

- [CHOKES]
- Uh, what's that?

And I say, "No, I'm
not some cheap whore."

"A million dollars is practically
nothing these days."

So he offers me $ million.

And I say, "For that amount,
you can have me all weekend,"

'cause he's not just rich.

He's also really hot.

Okay, you guys changed
gears way too fast.

There was a child down
here not two minutes ago.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

- What are you doing here?
- I'm eating your candy.

It's stale.

You should have another Halloween

so you can get fresh ones.

You know, the police are downstairs.

I could just scream.

Why scream for the police?

Why not scream for your new
friend, the Alien Tracker?

How do you know about that?

Tell me where I can find him.

I...

can't.

Because you are his friend.

You were my friend first.

You said I wasn't your friend.

You said I was like your dad.

You spanked me.

Softly, like a father who
wants to be your friend.

Yeah, I was going to buy
a motorcycle with a sidecar

so we could ride around town
together, like friends do.

I don't believe you, because
when I asked if you wanted

to ride in my bicycle basket like E.T.,

you told me to fill my basket with rocks

and ride into the lake.

Because I am not the same size.

E.T. was shaped like a sexy potato.

He's perfect for basket rides.

I need salty to follow sweet.

Yeah.

And then I'm going to need sweet again.

[CHUCKLES]

Mmm, could be warmer.

So...

did you tell your Alien Tracker friend

where I live so he
could come to my house

and put me in a cage?

I didn't tell him, I swear.

I don't believe you.

That's because you're always lying,

so you think everyone else is, too.

You lie, too, just like me, and steal,

just like I am going to
steal all of your candy.

- See, we are so alike.
- [SIGHS]

You should help me get
this hairless assh*le.

[SNIFFLES]

[SOMBER MUSIC]

But I like him.

He's the first grown-up I ever met

who makes me feel like I'm not a freak.

He understands me.

He doesn't understand you.

No one knows you like I know you.

Think of a number between one and ten.

If we think of the same
number, then we are the same,

and you will help me.

What number are you thinking of?

Six.

I was thinking of .... So close.

We need to work on our friendship.

- Let's k*ll this guy together.
- No!

Whose side are you on?

Look, if you will not pick a side,

then I will call

my real friends.

Hey.

Lloyd, it's your homey,

uh, Harry Vanderspeigle.

Yes, uh, come to the cabin.

Yeah, let's, uh, have a dance party.

Oh, no, no.

Don't, uh, worry about it.

I'm bringing the snacks. [LAUGHING]

[SIGHS]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Thanks for meeting for a drink.

You don't have to thank me.

I could drink this whole bar dry

after dinner with the mayor.

That whole house is a giant
powder keg of sexual tension.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, I've seen that.

So where's your Alien Tracker friend?

You're supposed to meet
him here tonight, right?

We were supposed to
meet, but he didn't show.

- Sorry about that, Deputy.
- Don't be.

He didn't show up

because I think he's hot
on the trail of an alien.

- [LAUGHS]
- Okay, tease me if you want.

I don't mind.

You know, my whole life
I've been a bystander.

I never call the sh*ts.

But this time I decided
to trust my instincts.

I took control,

and I got the Alien
Tracker himself to Patience.

He came because I made it happen.

Well, good. I'm proud of you, Deputy.

Thank you.

- I'm proud of me, too.
- Mm-hmm.

You know, I've been
sitting back my whole life,

and maybe I'm getting tired of sitting.

- And don't be mad.
- Mad about what?

Oh, my God, are you kidding me?
I'm not date-ready.

This ain't even my
second best pair of pants.

She looks nice, and you do, too.

Okay, all right, I got this.
Come on, go on.

Go on. Get out. Go ahead.
I got it. I got it.

You're dismissed, uh, Deputy.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hey, there.
- I was just leaving.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.

- Thanks, Deputy.
- Yep.

- Sheriff.
- Detective.

Do... [LAUGHTER]

I, um... I never figured you
for a patterned-shirt guy.

I kind of like it.

Yeah, well, the pattern helps
hide what's underneath here.

Gerber StrongArm... This right here

is the best blade money can buy.

Couldn't agree more. [LAUGHS]

I'll be damned.

You know what? Let me get you a beer.

Uh, let me get you one.

- Oh, gonna get me a beer?
- I am.

- Okay.
- [LAUGHS]

[POP ROCK MUSIC]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Hey.

Oh, my gosh, are you serious?

That's great news.

Ooh! Okay.

Okay, good night.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Good news?

It's not something I
can talk about here.

It's just... it's no big deal.

- Mm, honoring the pact.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, then.

Yeah.

- Restraining order?
- Granted.

Damn it.

Look, honey, I don't want to
talk about the resort, okay?

Let's just leave it.

The part of me that's your husband...

is glad to see you smiling.

I like it when you're happy.

Thank you.

- I am.
- [CHUCKLES]

- I'm really happy.
- BOTH: Mmm.

But the part of me that's
fighting for this resort

cannot wait to crush you in court.

I will stomp you like a grape

until you realize you
have wasted your time

and you feel absolutely worthless.

- Okay, pact's back on.
- Mm-hmm.

- Good night, honey.
- Night.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Hey, Jay.
- [SIGHS]

You got a minute?

I just worked all night,

and I have barbecue sauce in my hair.

I totally get that.

I-I just need to tell
you this one thing.

- [SCOFFS]
- Okay, um...

you probably had a lot
of questions growing up,

and maybe meeting me has
helped you answer some of them.

But the most important thing
I need to tell you is...

[SIGHS] I love you.

I've thought about you
every day of your life.

And if you ever need
me, I'm here for you.

And if you never need me,
that's okay, too.

It's not your job to worry about me.

I'll be fine.

And I'll still love you.

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

So...

that's it.

[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC]

All right.

All right.

[SIGHS HAPPILY]

Hello?

D'arcy?

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey. D'arcy?

[GASPS, CHUCKLES] Oh, hey.

Hey.

- What's going on?
- I don't know. You tell me.

It's : in the morning.

Were you really gonna sleep
in here with the door unlocked?

Um, I was just cleaning up.
I lost track of time.

Really?

'Cause it looked like you were
sleeping on the pool table.

You gonna tell me where to sleep now?

- Okay.
- Wait, wait.

We had plans.

I waited for two hours.

- Maybe I should just take a hint.
- No.

Obviously you're not taking
me or any of this seriously.

I feel like you're
being a little dramatic.

If you care even just
a little bit about me,

you need to tell me
what's really going on.

Please?

- It's okay.
- [STAMMERS]

It's fine, all right?

Just... let me just grab
my stuff, and we can go.

No.

What do you mean...
What do you mean "no"?

I think it's best if we
just leave it at this.

Elliot, like...

no.

Don't...

Please don't go.

[SIGHS]

[SOBS]

Bye, D'arcy.

It's probably best if
you lock up behind me.

[SOBS]

[GRUNTS]

[BRIAN ENO AND DAVID
BYRNE'S "ONE FINE DAY"]

It is natural for aliens to take control

of their lives.

It is not so natural for humans.

[CRYING]

[SIGHS]

♪ Saw the wanderin' eye ♪

♪ Inside my heart ♪

♪ Shouts and battle cries ♪

♪ From every part ♪

♪ I can see those tears ♪

♪ Every one is true ♪

♪ When the door appears ♪

♪ I'll go right ♪

♪ Through ♪

Part of being human
is finding the strength

to fight through
the obstacles in your life.

♪ I stand in liquid light ♪

♪ Like everyone ♪

♪ I built my life with rhymes ♪

♪ To carry on... ♪

While there are some
obstacles you cannot control,

there are some you can.

[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]

♪ That one fine ♪

♪ One fine day ♪

Like a little boy

who wants to be friends
with an alien so badly,

he is willing to trick
that alien's enemy.

[WARBLING]

Max picked the right side.

No!