03x10 - The Horse and the Sparrow

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Harley Quinn...

Fu...

And now...

...uck!

Damn it, Harley!
What the hell?

I, I'm so sorry.

I mean, the whole thing with
the zombies and the barfin'

and the mass m*rder...

I was building Edin.

It's something I thought
you wanted, too.

It felt incredible
and you made me stop.

Why?

Well, you should
figure that the f*ck out.

Deuces.

Wait. Ive! Please don't be
mad. Where are you going?

Somewhere I can relax and think.

Oh, if that means you're going to
Mor-4-Lex, we're out of toilet paper.

- Fine.
- And make sure you get three...

Three ply. I know.
You've got a bougie butt.

No, oh, no, no, no.
Please don't. Do not thank me.

Thank you, Harley Quinn!

- Harley, thank you!
- You saved us from Ivy!

No, please.
Oh, God, no. Don't...

Thank you, Harley. You saved us.

No, no... please. No.




Uh, can we get some applause?

Because there is a hero
in the house.

- Please shut up.
- Why? It's true.

You basically sacrificed yourself
to stop Ivy and save humanity.

Why did I do that?
I don't want to stop Ivy.

I want to support her.

But I also don't want everyone
in Gotham to die.

Ooh. Sounds like
you need to talk.

Want to crush some canned cider
and unpack all this?

There's nothing to unpack.

Hey, so, I'm gonna need
a Batman to sign for this.

Oh, a man?

So a Batgirl
couldn't be competent enough...

His name is on the registration.

- Yerp.
- Yeesh.

I gotta say,

I like this new swagger on you.

You've got a certain
je ne sais quoi.

Now, I'll put money on it.

In the next 24 hours,

no less than three people are
going to randomly compliment you.

You're looking that good.

Well, I'm not feeling that good.

I mean, things are weird
with Harley, and my plan failed.

- Again.
- You're looking at this all wrong.

Ruining Jazzapajizza is some
hard core supervillain sh*t.

f*ck you, Ivy!

Whoa!
You were tapped into The Green.

No one could stop you.
You had to stop yourself.

Now, that's real power.

When a villain got to stop
her own villainoire self!

I mean, it was pretty
pretty bad ass, I guess.

A Hard Wayne's Gonna Fall.

Directed by James Gunn. In theaters...

Apologies for the abrupt pop in.

- Ivy, did you change your hair?
- That's one.

I saw what you did
at Jazzapajiz...

Yeah, I'm not saying that.

Suffice it to say, the scale
of potential devastation

was enough to make even me
soil my boxer briefs.

And you don't sh*t your pants
for anything.

That is correct.

Well, was.

Yeah, thanks.

Now, if you'll excuse me, they're
putting out scallion pancake samples.

Huh?

I'll cut to the chase.

I'm looking to rebuild
the Legion of Doom in Gotham.

Hey, Lex. How many
times are we going to do this, bud?

'Cause I don't want to be
in the Legion of Doom.

I know. I want you to run it.

I'm sorry, what?

You're a thr*at.

And, frankly, I trust the thr*at I
pay more than the thr*at I don't.

Well, I'm not interested
in being some puppet figurehead

for your corporate tax shelter.

Plus, you'd never agree
to my terms.

Try me.

Well, first off, I'd need to be
paid an obscene amount of money.

Of course.

Get that paper.

- Hey, I really missed you.
- I know.

And I'd uh, I'd need
to be in complete control.

So I run things.

I get to do whatever I want without needing
approval from anyone, including you.

The Legion of Doom
will be yours.

Think about it, Ivy.

You got so close
to permanently changing Gotham,

and all you had was a tiny lab
and some test tubes.

Imagine what you could do with
my vast resources at your disposal.

You'd be unstoppable.

I don't want
to have to babysit Bane.

We'll move him
to our Tempe office.

Well, sh*t.

So, are you done reburying
my dead zombie parents, Alfred?

Indeed, Sir. Ooh.

Perhaps I went
a little overboard.

I'd venture to say you did, Sir.

My loneliness and despair
got the best of me.

The edges of reality started
to blur for a minute there.

I think it's time I take off
my obsidian-colored glasses.

Stop letting the specter
of my dead parents haunt me.

Of course everywhere I turn,
I'm reminded of this movie.

Well, I hesitate
to bring this up, sir,

but the producer sent tickets
to the premiere tomorrow.

- I'll return them at once.
- Hold up, hold up.

If I want to stop being
tortured by this movie,

I should confront my demons
head on at the premiere.

No worries.

I shall clean up at once to
accompany you through this trying...

Oh, sorry.

I've already asked
someone else, so.

Anyway.

Yeah, I'm probably
gonna get dressed.

I... I'll do it myself.

Why am I ugly in everything?

I'm so... Forgive me.

It appears my nerves are tender
on this premiere's eve.

Well, calm down.

You're just having
a diva moment.

But the cool thing is, this
premiere is all about BBT's big day.

So the pressure's off of you.

No one, not a single soul
will know it was you

acting like Billy Bob acting
like Thomas Wayne.

No one will know?

Ooh, did you just get a facial?

Uh, that's two.

Hey, Harley.
We need to, uh, we gotta talk.

I know, Ive.
I am still so sorry.

Me first, me first. So.

Lex Luthor wants me
to run the new Legion of Doom.

Ha! I wish I could have been
there when you told him to f*ck off.

Uh, you couldn't,
because I didn't.

Um, what?

It's a great opportunity
for me, creatively.

Totally! Yeah, no. Who cares
that he's an amoral piece of sh*t.

I mean, you are doing
the dang thing,

looking all good
in the neighborhood.

It's all right.

I, I didn't expect you
to be okay with me doing it.

What? Are you kidding me?
I am so okay with you doing it.

So okay that we're doing it.

I... I don't,
I don't know, Harls. I...

Look, okay. I know I took a
dump on your passion project,

but it won't happen again.
Please, please let me prove it.

- I... I just... I'm not sure we're on the same page.
- Listen.

I am down to do whatever you need
me to do to make your dreams come true.

No questions asked.
I am your ride or die.

Are you sure?

Because in order
to close with Lex,

I'm k*lling the Mayor
at the premiere tomorrow.

Totally. Wait.

Like Joker, the Mayor?

Yeah, I mean, Lex has beef
with his new evil lair tax.

Is that gonna be
a problem or...?

Ha, let's k*ll the f*cking
joker. Oh! I love that for us.

Whoo!

- Oh, okay.
- sh*t.

No, honey, you know what?

That's okay. There's, like, an entire
palette of champagne in the car.

Sadly, no. I simply cannot
shake the feeling -

that after all the work
I've put in,

in the end, all the spoils will go
to one William Robert Thornton.

But isn't that
every actor's dream?

To disappear into a role
so no one knows it's you?

I will let you in on a secret not
many outside of the acting world know.

All thespians are vain.

What?

To a wild night.

g*dd*mn it!

It's show time.

How's Angelina?

Huh?

Selina? You're looking, uh...

stunning.
I'm surprised you came.

Ditto.

How are you?

Oh, fantastic.

Zero zombie-related drama
on my end, that's, that's for sure.

Happy to hear it.

I assumed this entire event
would be triggering, to say the least.

Wait, are you here
to support me?

Even though we're not dating
and I find you sad,

it doesn't mean
I don't want to see you happy.

Ex... excuse me.

Probably an appetizer
got in my eye.

Great tie, Clock King.

Nora and Swamp Thing are
an item. I love that.

Cheryl, I see you
double fisting.

Like Joker do.

Oh, yes.

Apparently,
I'm sitting at ZZZ69.

Which, if I'm keeping it 100, doesn't
sound like a mayoral place to sit.

Mmm.

This can't be right.

Cancel my drinks
with the mayor, Alfred.

Tell him I'm taking my wife and
my adorable son to the movies.

Oh, right.

Tell Martha to wear
those pearls I bought her.

To symbolize how our love can
survive anything, even b*ll*ts.

Ugh! Two and a half hours
of this?

A little indulgent, if you ask me.

What the hell is going on?

Oh, I'll tell you
what's going on.

You're a super villain and
you're going to explain your plan?

Hey, hey! Don't interrupt bae
when she's oratin'.

What I would give to see you
wearing a headset mic.

When the credits roll, Harley
and I are going to k*ll you

and announce that we're running a
new Legion of Doom right here in Gotham.

Wait, is Lex putting you up to
this because of the evil lair tax?

It's half a percent
for Christ's sakes!

And it all goes towards
making Gotham College free.

Good idea.

You know,
the barrier to higher education

is one of the biggest causes
of income inequality.

Hey, Harley,
can we just, like, focus?

Oh, sh*t. Ugh. Must've
left my bat in the limo.

Okay, I'm gonna pop out,
I'm gonna grab it,

I will be back in a jiff
to commence skull-crushing,

and, you know,
things of that nature.

You know, I've never known
Harley to be a sloppy ropes woman.

She's tied up
hundreds of people for me.

Normally goes for a sheet bend
or a taut-line hitch,

but she used
a bowline this time,

which, of course,
is the easiest knot to untie.

I'm very active
with Benecio's scout troop.

So you become mayor and suddenly
you're, like, a totally different person?

I'm both
a maniacal force of nature,

and I want
free universal health care.

People can be more
than just one thing.

They grow and evolve.

Take Harley, for instance.

Is it just me, or does she seem
a little different?

Seriously, dude?

I'm not gonna do that thing where we
commiserate over the person we both dated.

Of course, of course.

Tell me this.

Does she still put
one giant cardboard box

in the recycling bin
so that nothing else can fit?

Oh, my God, yes,
she does do that.

But it's, it's just, it's like, what's so
hard about breaking down a box?

You know what I mean?

Just hit it
with your f*cking bat.

Hmm.

Okay. What is wrong with you?

I mean, I know there is a
lot going on in that little brain,

but what is wrong right now?

I shouldn't have come tonight.

Okay, bro, calm down.

All right? Let's try one of
those exercises like last time.

All right, close your eyes.

Deep breath in.

Be in your body.

I know what you've been through
and I know that you are strong.

I was in your head, remember?

You know my secret.

Did you tell anyone?

Okay.
I'm only gonna say this once,

so pay attention.

Gotham needs Batman
and I get that now.

So your little secret
is safe with me.

That, and like, doctor-patient
confidentiality, that whole thing

Thank you.

How did Ivy take it when she found
out you're not a villain anymore?

Who said I'm not?

Come on. Seriously?

We're still doing this after you
stopped her plan and saved the city?

I used to think you were
just an agent of chaos.

But now I see.

- You...
- Uh, no!

That is exactly who I am!

- God bless you, Harley Quinn.
- Eat sh*t, loser!

Oh.

Oh, my God, has she always
been OCD about toilet paper?

It's like nothing scares her
more than the idea of running out.

- Am I right?
- Oh, good times.

You know what I really loved
about her though?

The way she went along with
whatever plan I asked her to do,

even when I knew
she hated the idea.

Well, you know, add that
to the sh*t pile of reasons

you were a toxic partner
and a total narcissist.

Oh, just me?

What are you even talking about?

What Harley and I have
is 100% different.

We are equals.

I'd never ask her to
compromise herself like you did.

Well, maybe not on purpose.

I'm sorry. What are you
implying right now?

Yesterday she's stopping
your big plan,

but today she's ready to go
hard-boiled, running the Legion of Doom?

I mean, I'm no therapist,

but clearly Harley's having second
thoughts about whatever you're doing here.

And that was a lapse in
judgment, and it won't be repeated.

Harley's into
what we're doing here.

I didn't want to bring out
the big g*ns, but...

When did you ever see Harley
forget her bat?

Oh, f*ck.

Let's k*ll the bozo!

People don't need to see another
version of the Wayne Murders.

This sh*t's like
the Titanic, baby.

- We know how it ends.
- Hey.

You really want
to do this, Harley?

Of course!

I do.

Has Martha uttered a word yet?

That CGI moustache
cost $12 million.

My big monologue! Hold my hand.

Remember the horse
and the sparrow, son.

"If you feed
the horse enough oats,

some will pass through to the road
for the sparrows to eat and prosper."

You are proof that anything
is possible if you're born into...

Generational wealth.

Let my death...

define your entire life.

I fought for that line.

Get out of the way so I can
bash the mayor's head in.

Hey, I have no problem with you
k*lling Joker right now,

but not if you're only doing it
because it's what I want.

Can we hurry this up?

Would you listen to this d*ck?

Why wouldn't I want to k*ll him?

You did stop my plan
to terraform Gotham.

Because of the zombies
and the barf.

You're friends with Batgirl.

Uh, friendly, not friends. No.

And...
I hate saying this,

but, you know,
you've been reluctant

to k*ll people in a way that is,

frankly, it's concerning to me.

Oh, I'll show you reluctant.

Harley. Face it.

You've...

You've evolved.

You want to help people.

You're not a villain anymore.

That is not true!

Why won't you just admit it?

Because I don't want
to lose you.

Do you really think
that you would lose me?

If we don't want the same thing,

what does that mean for us?

Look, if running the Legion
of Doom with me isn't for you,

that's... it's okay.

I don't want you
to compromise yourself.

I mean, we're equals
in this relationship,

and that's why it's so great.

We can fully have
different passions.

I mean, if I didn't leave you
during your craft beer phase,

I'm not leaving you now.

Yeah, no. I could not pull off
those cargo shorts.

Look, as long as
you're honest with me,

I will support
whatever you want to do.

But... what if I don't know
exactly what that is?

Like...

Look, I, I know
I don't want to k*ll Joker,

and I... I don't want to do
a big, evil plan, but,

do I want to help people? I...
Maybe. I don't know.

I just... I haven't really
let myself think about it.

People are saying
I'm not a villain anymore,

which is fine, like, whatever.
Labels are lame.

But I... I'm not ready
to identify as the other thing.

You know what? We're going
to figure it out together. Right?

BFFGFFs?

That's us, right?

Right.

Beautiful stuff.

What time is it?

Where the f*ck
do you need to be?

Billy Bob! Billy Bob!

Billy Bob! Billy Bob!

They should be chanting my name.

Play it cool, baby.

You've made it this far.
Accept the applause.

Give a faux-humble bow,
and sit your ass down.

Oh, no.

It is not Billy Bob whose performance
has moved you all this evening.

It is I, Clayface,

the true star
behind Thomas Wayne.

Billy Bob is a shape shifter?
That's how he does it.

No, I'm not Billy Bob!

He doesn't deserve
your applause.

I do!

Billy Bob is dead!

- Dead because of me!
- Look, buddy.

They're just not listening.

Congrats to Billy Bob Thornton
on a spectacular performance.

This movie reminds us that billionaires
like Bruce Wayne know no shame.

The real drain
on the city is the 1%.

But today we come
one step closer to ending

the appalling
wealth disparity in Gotham.

Send in the clowns!

Oh. Uh.

This is a sting operation.

Public humiliation has a long
history in the annals of justice.

So we lured you into our trap.

And now we're busting you
for tax evasion.

Ladies and gentlemen,
and non-binary friends,

this is for you.

And for me.

"Bruce Wayne, you are under
arrest for intentional omission.

Manipulation, and alteration
of accounting records."

He's also guilty
of being a thief and a bitch.

Wow! Huba-hub.
What's with the glow up, Ivy?

And that's three.

You're g*dd*mn right it is.

I need a f*cking drink!

Let's go get blackout
on bulk champagne.

Deep breaths.

You will be okay.

I know... I think?

Maybe this is a good thing.

I have all this trauma
I've been carrying around.

If I can finally
go deal with it,

I can get back
to the life I want.

Helping people
and protecting Gotham.

It's exciting. And scary.

It is both of those things.

Hey, not to add to your trauma, but I
think Selina stole your mom's pearls.

Oh, come on.

I'll be available for lame
zoom sessions if you need me.

Excuse me.
Coming through. Pardon me.

Can you give us a minute, Carl?

Black gate Penitentiary is 30
clicks off the port of Gotham.

I'll have Night wing
gas up the BatBoat...

Don't bother.
I intend to serve my time.

The people of the city have
to know there are consequences,

even for me.

While I'm gone,

I need you to step up,

lead the Bat-Family,
and protect Gotham.

We can't do that without Batman.

Of course you can.

You've already done it.

You stopped the Mad Hatter.

You helped stop the zombies
when I was...

indisposed.

Gotham is in good hands.

Huh?

Mmm.

Oh, so there were
some hiccups tonight.

But if it helps,
you win my best actor award.

A hug.

It doesn't.

So, okay, that's,
so that's what you've decided.

It is.

I was alone for so long,
carrying around all this trauma.

But then I met you and I fell in
love, which helped me get past it.

I'm finally in a place where I can
actually think about what I want.

It's exciting.

And scary.

I'm proud of you.

So, is Lex gonna be pissed
you didn't k*ll Joker?

Oh, he'll probably want me
even more now...

Mmm. God knows I do.

Hey, assholes!

Uh.

Harley?
What are you doing here?

Yeah, with Batty in the clink, I thought you
silly rodents might need a little help. Hmm.

Don't worry, Night wing.

You still have the best
looking ass out of all of us.

Mmm, let's give her a chance.

You ready?

Uh, like in general, or is there
something specific we need to do?

Welcome to the fam, Harley!

Whoa!

Thanks for waiting,
you f*cking dildos!

I'll take the stairs.