06x03 - Bethic Twinstinct

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my God, I cannot f*cking
believe this!

Here we f*cking go!

Oh! Jeez!

Pardon the interruption.

We are once again
in the federal clear.

Rick, what the hell?!
A-Are you a Turkey Dracula now?

Morty, is that
a Pooplickian GamePod?

Actually it's
the GamePod XL.

They say it's the most realistic
video game console ever.

- I never got you that.
- Space Mom did.

She's in for the holiday
weekend, remember?

sh*t, in that case, let's go,
let's get out of here...

I heard you smack
the glass, Dad.

If you bail,
I'll disown you!

Yeah, I'd say don't
hop through a portal.

But, oh, wait, you can't.

Look at it this way, Morty.

Life is a subscription,
and Thanksgiving

is your family's
yearly charge.

Wow, Dad, good job.

Rick, put some pants on.

Today has so few rules.

Yes, Patriarch.

Ding ding ding!

I'd like to make a toast.

Today is a day for thanks.

And for family.

And for remembering
all of those that have less.

Okay, pick a scope.
Pick a scope?

Can we please have
a normal Thanksgiving?

Well, seems like all the ones
I remember.

Good point.

Baby, you...
It's a toast.

- Sorry!
- Sorry!

Anyway, I'm thankful
for my wife.

Beth.
The Beth that chose me.

I'm so grateful to you,

and I literally could
not live without you.

Aw!
Aw! Aw!

I really mean that.

If something were
to happen to you,

or if you were to leave me,
or be unfaithful,

I would die.
Mm! Uh...

Literally.
Probably by my own hand.

Eww.
Okay.

I know how I'd do it.

Our first blender has
an extra long cord

and it was manufactured
before safety fuses,

so I'd draw a warm bath...

And blend some stuff.
Good toast, honey.

To thankfulness.

To...
A-America?

To ending the toast?

To ending the toast!

Just to, uh, be clear,
I was saying I'd k*ll myself.

Jerry. God!
We know!

Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

Sorry Jerry got
all husbandy.

Yeah, do not miss that.

So I was thinking we could set
you up in Jerry's man cave?

Oh, that's okay,
I'll sleep in my car.

It's got a TARDIS thing
going on, bigger on the inside.

Dad calls it hack, but my
soaking tub begs to differ.

Hmm, maybe I'll trade you.
Ohh!

Agh!
My lower back.

Oh, I got this.

Ah, Jesus,
that was great.

Well, you're me.

I find this is usually
the biggest help.

Mmm, oh, I just love...

the Venusian stuff.

It's cool, I get insecure trying
to pronounce this crap, too,

but I got just
the thing for that.

Here.

Um...

Okay, sh**t that asteroid.
Now sh**t that one.

Now sh**t me in the face.
This game's trash.

I didn't want to say anything,
but this does seem lame.

Yeah, I thought it was maybe

'cause we've sh*t
so many real asteroids.

L-Let's look at the menu.

Oh! T-There's the realism
setting.

Oh, cool.
Also stupid.

The factory setting is 4?
What do we want, 10?

No, do 9.
I'm kidding.

Shut up, Summer.
Yeah, shut up, Summer.

Put 10.

This is the same.
It's worse. It's...

Oh. Oh.
I get it. Okay.

It's... It's more real.

The vast majority of space
is empty.

What?
Who cares?

T-Then what am I doing?

Looks like you can record
a video for your kid

in case you die.

Not a bad idea, you're gonna be
in space for a while.

May as well.

Um, hey, son.
Uh...

If you're seeing this, I...

starved to death
while looking for an asteroid.

Ugh.
This is stupid.

You guys are obviously just
trying to convince yourselves

it's cool because
you feel lame about it.

Summer you know nothing
about gamer culture.

Bro, tell your son you love
the sh*t out of him.

Oh, I'm gonna!

Of course we both can't sleep
at the same time.

Yeah, we do share
a shitty back.

Turn around.
At least let me...

Yes, please.

Oh, my God.

Okay, I know we're not massage
people but you need this.

See, you act like this
bad ass space cowboy,

but I know you're just
a scared little overachiever

that keeps all her
OCD right...

Oh, my God!
Yeah.

By the way you better
be taking notes... I'm next.

It's my back,
you dumb bitch.

Nice.

What?

Well, I better
get back to bed.

Yep. Same.

Oh, so now you're into
highly realistic video games?

Maybe I decided real life
was too much right now,

or maybe I'm not afraid
to change my mind about stuff.

Maybe mental flexibility
is stronger than stubbornness.

Nice manip', Sum-Sum.

Okay, I-I'm in the alley
behind the library.

- Uptown or downtown?
- sh*t, there's one uptown, too?

It's okay, stay there,
I think I'm near the red line.

Is this "Street Fighter"?

"Street Fighter"
where you start

at the beginning
of each fighter's day

and have to find
each other to fight.

It's very realistic.

Not even guaranteed
a fight will happen.

That meter filling up is us
forgetting what made us so mad.

If anyone's interested
in a higher level of realism,

I'm booting up the OG...

That's Original Game,
called a jigsaw puzzle...

In the den.

Hey, g*ng!

Me and my space self
are gonna make a run

to the Gloppy Drop System
for ice cream.

Any flavor requests?

- Vanilla!
- Vanilla!

Why do you guys have to go

all the way to deep space
just for ice cream?

Gloppy Dropulites have less
taste buds than humans.

Their ice cream
is like a hospital bed.

It's designed for you
to do less so it does more.

Okay, see ya in a bit.

I'll get started sorting
all the obvious sky pieces.

Secret technique.

- Oh, sh*t, there you are!
- Oh, f*ck, it's on, bitch!

I'm gonna eat your ass! You
will die in the street like a dog!

Stunning.

Thank you.
This is incredible.

Eh. Just glad I had something
in your size.

How far is Gloppy Drop?

And why do I always think
I'm wearing a watch?

I actually have a pint
of Gloppy Drop

on a little apartment
orbiting Earth.

So we have time.

You have your own
space station?

We have our own
space station.

We're the same person.
There's differences.

Like, one of us has no idea
who she really is.

Wrong.
But let's make a deal.

Let's trust ourselves enough
to stop wondering

who we are
when we're together.

We get to say anything
to each other.

Things we'd never say
to anyone else, even ourselves.

What don't we say
to ourselves?

How about, "Wow, my ass looks
good in that space suit"?

I mean it.
I'm a good-looking woman.

Well, that's nice
of you to say.

I also...

find myself...

quite attractive.

We forgot the ice cream.

I want you back
in my guts like

I'm one of your sick
little fillies.

Oh, God damn it, Morty!

You can't just
take my controller

Yes, I can!
It's mine!

Ugh.
Okay, Sum-Sum, gimme.

Make your own controller,
some of us need

all the control we can get.

Ugh, f*ck you!

So why are you so suddenly
into realistic video games?

I already was.

Yeah, but now you're into them
the way I am.

You mean, like staring at them
in a numb trance?

Uh-huh.
Not judging, just noticing.

Yeah, y-you tend to notice
stuff a little before I do.

But eventually
you do notice.

And now we can both
not notice together, yes.

- Oh, my god...
- Beth!

I thought you said
you got ice cream?

Yeah, I, uh...
It must be in the, uh...

Oh, the car!
We left it in the car.

Okay, good, because that
would have been weird!

I worry things might become
more and more noticeable.

Yeah,
and if he kills himself,

we're gonna have to get
a new dad

Jesus Christ, Summer!

Hey, Dad.

Um, hmm, what's this?

Making a controller.

This species of bionic space
whale has carbon wiring,

great for smooth game play.

I'm not k*lling it,
for the record.

I'm just replacing its esophagus
with a better one.

For free.
I-It should thank me.

And it will, with its mind.

These things are
telepathic, Beth.

They talk to you
in dreams.

Does your replicator thing
make ice cream

from the Gloppy Drop system?

Why would you want replicated
Gloppy Drop ice cream, poser?

Crazy thing. I went with
Space Beth to get some,

and we had such a great time
we forgot the ice cream!

Crazy, right?

That's a real question?

M-Maybe?

Come here,
hold the pup down.

You're talking about
an infinite father.

I've met myself out there
infinite times.

Infinite sh*t happens.

Including, as you put it,
forgetting the ice cream.

You've...
forgotten the ice cream?

Drill me for details
when I'm drunker.

In the meantime, don't worry
about what's crazy.

You know, as the kids say,
you do you.

Oh, thanks.
Thank you so much, Dad.

One thing to keep in mind,
though.

It's not just your own ice cream
you're forgetting.

It's your family's.

If you forget it too much, you
start having to keep secrets.

Oh, and you're against
secrets?

Against? Hell no.
Secrets are great.

For instance, I've had
a pint of vanilla

Gloppy Drop in my fridge
this whole time.

Take it.
I'm just saying, lies pile up.

Like credit card debt.

You retain an advantage
by staying liquid.

Gotcha.
Well...

I'd call this a simple
cash transaction.

Fun and done.

Favorite Culkin.

- Kieran!
- Kieran!

Favorite song by Britney.
"Work Bitch"!

"Work Bitch"!
Favorite hangover cure.

Hair of the dog with a guilty
Hair of the dog with a guilty

pleasure like "Humans Weekly."
pleasure like "Us Weekly."

I told Dad.

I mean, I didn't have to.
He knew.

I guess that's one reason
you didn't have to tell him.

What'd he say?

We kind of talked in code,
I think he said it's fine

until it makes us feel
indebted to our lessers.

That sounds like Dad.

Do we owe...
the family an explanation?

Do we have to spend
our time together

figuring out
how to please others?

I'm married.

We both are,
but I'm in our marriage.

It's the defining difference
between us.

Well, there's no rule book
that says you have to be.

What's gonna happen?

What is this?
Are we in love...

with our self?

I mean, does that make us
the most

or the least healthy woman
in the universe?

Anybody ever tell you
you're overly analytical?

Which I do love.

If that's what you need
to call it.

I don't need to call it
anything.

I would like to know...
its shelf life.

I might know a way
to gather that data.

Motel room!
The Holodeck!

I like yours better.

Hmm...
Uh...

Beth!
Uh, m-my Beth!

Well, not "my" Beth, but...
I finished!

It's done!

Kids, do you know
where your moms are?

Oh, you're busy
with your GamePod.

Don't worry about it,
I'll find those two somewhere.

No! No, Dad, um, come play
video games with us!

Okay, Dad, here's
the infinite menu screen.

Oh, I dunno.

Here, here, I-I'll have
the console choose a game!

Um, maybe
let's skip this one?

Really? Why?
Looks fun!

Oh, okay, so we are

a woman married to a man

but having a sexual affair

with another woman!

Very spicy.

Very spicy, Jer.
G-Good job.

Looks pretty
single player, kids?

Seriously, you two?!

What the hell did you do
in my Holodeck?!

Holy sh*t, you... you did a full
"San Junipero" in here?

Oh, my God, Beth,
there's masturbating

and then there's masturbating.

Ew, Dad stop, I'm sorry!
You'd know, old man.

Argh!
Look, this isn't my business,

and by all means, enjoy being
sapphic horse girls together.

But you suck at doing
it secretly.

We all know.
Including Jerry?!

No, Dad's so in the dark
that he's enjoying a video game

about being in an affair
right now.

If you guys are doing this,
you got to tell him!

Okay, little man,
back off.

Take it easy.
They're right.

Right about what,
that we have to be twice

as considerate and twice
as repressed

because some d*ck
split us in two?

This is the sh*t I left.
This isn't. This is me.

This is the me that doesn't
tell you all to f*ck off.

So allow me.
f*ck off.

She'll tell her husband what she
wants when she feels like it.

And you can deal with it
or you can deal with me.

But you should know I have
all the Predator weapons.

Works for me. Fair
enough. That's cool.

I guess it's time
for ice cream.

Come on, kids,
you're inhaling this stuff.

Your Moms went to space.

Did you even thank them
for doing it?

Thanks for...

doing it, Moms.

Very selfless of you.

Eat your ice cream
however you want.

Nothing good lasts forever.

Okay, come on,
it's Thanksgiving.

The least we can do
is speak English.

Jerry, I had sex
with your wife.

Or I'm your wife and had sex
with the clone you sleep with.

Your pick.
We had sex. We loved it.

Beth Sanchez sure
is something, huh?

I think
I'll ask her to prom.

Jerry,
for your own sake,

stay away
from Beth Sanchez.

Worst case,
she says "no."

No, Jerry.
Worst case she says "yes."

She's too much
woman for you.

Yeah, maybe she'd find
your simple naiveté endearing,

but she's intense.

Sooner or later,
she'd tear you apart.

I'd be lucky to be
torn apart by Beth Sanchez.

- Aah!
- What the f*ck?!

Dad's a bug!
Dad rolled into a bug!

Oh, yeah.
Sh... Forgot I installed that.

Why does Jerry have
a Pill Bug Protocol?

It's an emotional
defense system.

I got drunk
with Jerry one night

and he said it's what
he wanted most in the world.

Don't blame me,
I wanted tattoos.

Anyway, he's in perfect health
in there

and he can unroll
when he chooses to,

but can also stay
in metabolic hibernation

pretty much indefinitely.
It's a cool power to have,

like if you have
to fly coach or if

Summer asks you what you thought
of "Wonder Woman 1984."

How do we undo it?
Only he can.

That's the point.
It's total safety.

Even I can't reverse it.

If you try to pry him out
and hit a nerve,

he'll literally
turn into a Shrek.

In his own sad way,
he's taken control.

This is classic Jerry.

He'd rather be a bug
than have a conversation.

Oh, have you heard the way
you start conversations?

You ladies discuss
responsibility

while I get stoned and play
video games with your kids.

f*ck!
More forest!

L-Look around!

Try heading north.

Oh, sh*t.
Wait, what the f*ck?

Um, maybe keep
heading north?

Ew, what the hell?

Oh, God, w-what happens
in the shadows?

Jerry, sweetie, if you can hear
me, please unroll.

He doesn't want to.

It's a little late to worry
about what he wants.

Jesus, Beth,
don't fall for this.

This isn't love,
it's a tantrum.

Yeah, but his tantrum
is self-destructive.

Yours is destructive.

Maybe that's why I'm the one
that loves him.

He worries.
He wants to do right.

He's ashamed when he fails.

Aren't those things
you love about me?

You want me to be like him?
You want me to propose?

thr*aten to k*ll myself?

No.
I love you the way you are.

And I did it forever
in a video game.

But in life, things go wrong.
Things stop working.

I-I like to fix those things,
and when I can't,

I'm pretty useless.
Like my husband.

I don't get it.

You're the house wife
and I'm the space lady,

but you're the one that chewed
me up and spit me out.

I don't want to just forget
about you.

Me neither.

It's a problem.

But we know someone
that owes us a solution.

Oh, sh*t, we're out
of the forest.

We found a clearing.

Go check it out!
Go check out the clearing!

Vampires?!

Oh, come on!
That's not realistic!

Morty, it's obviously set
in a world

where vampires hunt
in clearings.

How did you... I'm working with
the same information you are!

Ow!

No more screen time
until your homework's done, Dad.

- What did that mean?
- We refuse to care.

Damn. You really came of age
this Thanksgiving.

How old are we?

We've had a million
Thanksgivings.

Can I explain
how irrational this is?

Asked the guy
that cloned his daughter.

Will I ever live that down?
No.No.

You guys are having me
"Eternal Sunshine"

all the "Multiplicity" p*rn
scenes from your minds?

Yep. Basically.
Sounds right.

Meanwhile, everyone
around you...

Your father,
your cuckhold husband,

your jaded children...
Will just happily

and silently bear the burden

because it's more practical
for them than the truth

and you don't care because
it won't be your problem?

Solid repipe, Dad.

It's like he has a lifetime
of experience as a selfish ass.

When this fails and the two
of you fall in love again

and you att*ck me
for taking part in this,

I'm gonna lie and say I tried
to talk you out of it for hours.

In truth, I don't care.
Three, two...

Oh, for God's sakes,
all of you, grow up.

- Jerry! You unrolled!
- What the hell?!

Ooh, plot twist,
Deus Ex Husband a.

Oh, don't lobotomize
yourselves for my comfort.

I may be a man, but I'm also
a baby, and babies

don't take responsibility
for other people's suffering.

I should never have said
I'd k*ll myself if you left me.

It's not true.

All I'd do is pack my sh*t
and cry

while I look for a job
on Starbucks Wi-Fi.

And that's what I'm gonna do.

So the two of you can get clone
lesbian married

by a robot and finger
yourselves on the moon

while laughing in Martian French
about my weird little d*ck!

Jerry, wait!

Jerry, don't leave angry.

Should I float out
on a lotus leaf?

I have to be twice
as confident

because my wife
cheated on me with herself?

It's not even cheating.

Oh, you here to help?
You suck.

You don't even know which one
is your real wife.

If it's me, have you been
cheating with a clone?

I'm not the clone,
but she has a point.

Oh, what a provocative
conversation it would've been

great to have before
the two of you...

And I am counting two...

Gave each other
unfairly expert orgasms

while mocking my weird
little d*ck!

Jerry, you're the only
one who keeps saying

"weird" and "little."
Well, you've both seen it!

And you've both seen each other,
and now you want

to tell me all about it,
but it's a little late.

Oh, my God.

You're not mad that
it was about you.

You're mad that it wasn't.

He wanted
to permit our love.

Okay, it's not "Handmaid's Tale"
to loop in your husband.

I agree, for the record.
We made a mistake.

Oh, because we should've
noticed ourselves losing control

and gone to Sex master Jerry
and said, "Oh, pretty please,

Jerry, can I make out
with myself?"

Yes, you may.

Yeah, see. Not so hot when it's
aboveboard, home-wreckers.

Oh, so we won't
enjoy this?

Well, hold on, hold on,
this is weird.

Weird and permitted.

Wait, you like this?
Who cares what he likes.

I do.
I might like it.

And if she likes it,
I permit it.

You little pervert.
You like a little pervert.

I like humiliating
a little pervert.

I approve.
Carry on.

I'm freaked out
by how hot this is.

Am I permitted
to do this?

Until further notice.
I love it.

Then it's permitted
from now on.

Oh, because you like
whatever she likes.

Because you're a worm.

I will allow
that assessment.

- Pass the salt?
- I don't care what you allow.

- Damn it!
- What do you allow?

I allow this.

Well,
then it's required.

I approve
the requirement.

You get over there.
Good idea.

Oh, wow. Okay.
Uh, Honey?

I'm fine if you are.
You're never fine, shut up.

Okay, but... Whoa! Okay.

This is not how
I pictured this, but...

I have zero complaints
so far.

Because I know
what you want.

I do not disagree
with that.

Can I make a pitch?
What if we...

Are you serious?

Hey, is... is this
making fun of me?

Well, is that bad?
I'll allow it.

Jesus Christ, you need
to fix the portal g*n, Rick!

Morty, you asking makes me
want to do it less.

Okay, uh, Thanksgiving!

L-L-Let's talk
about Thanksgiving!

Who's thankful for what?
Go, Summer, y-you first.

Um, I guess I'm thankful,
for like, water?

Perfect! Wonderful!
Morty, w-what about you?

F-F-f*cking
Are you f*cking kidding me?

Why? Why?
Discovery Channel!

Discovery Channel, why?!

Okay.
Just eat your food.

Ea-Ea...
Everyone eat the food.

Sorry, I'm...
Is this? Ooh!

Well, bye, kids!

I'll keep an eye out
for my grand kid in space.

Your what?

Oh, right.
"Naruto."

Thanks for visiting,
Space Beth.

Well, seems like we all learned
a little lesson this weekend!

At least, I know I did.

Me, too, Jerry.
Me, too.

Hello there, Jerry!
How can I help you today?

Howdy! Yeah, just, uh...
Just here to hang!

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.

You can't come here
by yourself.

Why not?
It's just me in there!

Well, not that this is
something you'd do,

but sometimes we have
Jerries come here

and try to touch other
Jerries.

Oh, no, that's...
That's not good.

Uh, well,
see you later!

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Did you get any of that?