03x05 - Reflections

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

No, no.

No, no, it's overheating.

Come on.
Come on.

Keep it together!

[ALARM BLARING]

- Aah!
- [HIGH-PITCHED YELP]

[PANTING]
Sorry.

♪ ♪

[MOANING]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

FREEMAN:
Captain's log, stardate . .

The Cerritos is back at Tulgana IV,

where we'll be updating

the Federation consulate's
power systems,

a straightforward job
which gives us extra time

to fill some of our Starfleet quotas.

Ugh, the recruitment booth, no!

- Well, someone's got to do it.
- Uh, do they?

'Cause last time I checked,
nobody's ever signed up

for Starfleet at the recruitment booth.

- I did.
- Shh, shh, you're not helping.

- Sorry.
- I know it's not super exciting,

but it's our assignment.
What are you gonna do?

Hmm, complain the whole time
and make it twice as miserable.

[SIGHS]
That is your specialty.

[YAWNING]
Ow.

You okay, Rutherford?
Man, you look wiped.

I haven't slept in a week.

I keep having the same crazy nightmare.

Ooh, the one where you're
in a new timeline

with Kirk and Spock,
where they have cinematic chemistry?

- Ugh, I wish.
- Looks like you've got

some long-term memories
stuck in the buffer.

Probably useless stuff like when
you called the captain "Mom."

Want me to purge the cache?

Yes. Anything to help me sleep.

- [SIGHS]
- And done.

Why don't you go take a nap?

You'll wake up feeling like a new man.

[YAWNS]
Thanks, Tendi.

Hope you're right.

[GRUNTING]

There's a spot where we can set
up in the commuter's market.

I have a degree
in xenohistory, but sure,

put me on folding-table duty.
That's great.

Oh, I'm sorry, is the booth
not exciting enough for you?

Yeah, actually, it's the worst

and I'm really glad you said something.

Can we get a different assignment,
please?

I don't care if you like it,

- that's not the point.
- No.

The point is to give us
work nobody cares about

so the captain can tick off
a meaningless box.

I care, and I'm gonna be
checking in today.

If you so much as step
one foot out of that booth,

I will transfer you to Starbase .

- Starbase ?
- Don't joke about that.

Starbase is the worst.

When I get down there,
you better be in the booth

with a PADD full of contact info,

or you'll be at SB ,

faster than you can possibly imagine.

Okay, okay, I get it.

Okey dokey, time for some shut-eye.

[YAWNS] Hmm.

- [BUZZING]
- Huh?

Ah, my [BLEEP] head.

Did I even go out last night?

Wait, what's going on here?

Ugh, those are the ugliest
nacelles I've ever seen.

And who put Engineering down there?

That's stupid.

Wait a minute, California-class?

How did I get here?

COMPUTER:
Ensign Samanthan Rutherford.

Transferred from Douglas Station
on stardate . .

Okay, shut up, shut up.

What the hell is this?

Holy moly.

What the heck is happening here?

Hey, hey! Let me out of here.

Hey, you. Give me back
control of my body.

[SCOFFS]
Nah, dude, this is my body.

You already effed it up.

- No, it's not.
- Whatever, man.

I don't take orders
from a reflection. [CHUCKLES]

I'm not a reflection.

Help! I think an anaphasic alien
took over my body.

- You're an anaphasic alien.
- Nuh-uh, you are.

Hey, what is this thing on my face?

It's my face.

Fine, fine, fine, don't answer it.

- I don't need you.
- Hey, hey!

Get back here!

Aw, man.

♪ ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Starfleet, get your Starfleet.

We got new worlds,

they're strange,
and they need seeking out.

Wow, it's crazy to hear you,
like, actually trying.

Yeah, I have to.
Ransom's got it out for me.

I'm not taking any chances
with creepy-ass Starbase .

Do you have to go to Starfleet
Academy to work on a ship?

Ah, thank you for asking.
No, not at all.

You can enlist as an NCO and then go

to the Tech Services Academy on Mars.

You could work in a transporter bay.

- How about that?
- Really?

Do the transporter guys
ever get to sit on the bridge?

Um, I mean, yeah, I guess,
it could... it could happen.

PETRA: Hey, pal,
you're signing up for seven years,

in a windowless room.

Wait, really?

Don't listen to her, the ships
have, like, tons of windows.

It's, like, practically
a greenhouse, right?

Just not, like, every single room.

- Meh.
- Ugh.

What the hell, lady?
I was about to close.

Aw, did I step on your
little sales pitch?

What are you even, some
kind of space archaeologist?

Independent space archaeologist.

That first part's important,
since you know,

I'm free to do whatever I want,

unlike some ensigns around here.

[SCOFFS]
All right, fine. Whatever.

Uh, Starfleet.
Get your Starfleet.

Prepare yourself
for Warp excitement.

Discover the undiscovered country.

How often do you get
to collect dilithium?

Oh, all the time, tons of crystals.

PETRA: Hey, buddy.
You want to be a Borg?

What? No.

Starfleet crews get assimilated
all the time.

Hope you like being covered
in black rubber tubing.

- Aah!
- [GROANS] We do not!

Borg drone, Starfleet drone,
what's the diff?

The "diff" is I'm about to shove
one of those artifacts

- up your ass.
- Mariner, don't.

- Just stay focused.
- [GROANS]

[RED RUTHERFORD HISSES]

Graphenated corridor joists?

These Cali-class junkers
are such fire traps.

The Cerritos is a great ship.
Give me back my body.

Hey, there, pretty lady.

- Hey, Rutherford. What's up?
- No, no. Don't talk to her.

I mean, everything,
now that I ran into you.

Trill, huh?
Those spots go all the way down?

Excuse me?

Barnes, call the captain.
He's an alien or something.

Hey, Trill, uh, when is
the security shift change?

Why would I know?

Because you're in security?

We've been on four dates

and you don't even know
what division I'm in?

Well, damn. Maybe if you
weren't so boring,

I'd remember some of this stuff.

Uh!

- [GROANS, SNIFFLES]
- Oh, okay. Walk away.

I got to figure out a way
to contact Tendi.

She'll know how to get rid of you.

Wait, who's Tendi?

Uh, nobody. Never mind.

- Computer, locate Tendi.
- Computer, no!

COMPUTER: Ensign Tendi is currently

located in Repair Bay Five.

No, no, no, no. I-I don't know
what you're thinking,

but you stay away from her.

Hey, check out this pod plant
from Omicron Ceti III.

It blasts out mind-control pollen.

Jeepers creepers.

[LAUGHS]
That's swell.

I don't even talk like that.

She's gonna see right
through you, you goofy goof.

[CHUCKLES]
Oopsie doodle.

I can't remember when
the security shift change is.

- [LAUGHS] It's at , silly.
- Of course.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Tendi, come on. That's not me.

[EXCLAIMING]

[GRUNTS]

Ah! Damn.

[GASPS]
It worked.

Dude, don't do that.
This is my body.

Who are you talking to?

Don't do this?
[GRUNTS]

- Aah! I'll k*ll you.
- [GRUNTS]

Rutherford, are you okay?

Let me take a look at your implant.

- Get away from me, I'm fine!
- Aah!

[PANTING]:
Ensign Tendi to sickbay.

I need an emergency
medical team on Deck .

Huh.

PETRA: See more
where that came from, kid.

Just join the Indie
Archaeologists' Guild.

[MARINER SPUTTERS]
More like space thieves.

Hey, why don't you go in that museum,

and steal some artifacts?

I know you want to.

[CHUCKLES]:
Oh, right.

Because everyone who doesn't

salute their boss, is a criminal?

You know, lady,
if you are really dedicated

to the pursuit of knowledge,

then you're kind of limiting yourself

by not being in Starfleet, actually.

Ooh, actually, I was in Starfleet.

Petra Aberdeen...

Graduated Academy,
did a tour in the fleet

before wising up, and getting out.

- [WHIRS]
- Whoa.

You served on the Victory?

Well, you must have screwed up
pretty bad to end up here.

[SCOFFS] Sure, why leave
the big fancy ships,

just for a life of freedom
and nonviolence?

Starfleet isn't violent.

Well, tell that to the Romulans,
the Klingons, the Cardassians...

What? They att*ck us.
It's self-defense.

Oh, right, you guys totally
aren't a pseudo navy at all.

[GROANS]

- [GRUMBLES]
- Aah!

[GRUNTS]

Ah!

[BOTH GRUNT]

Oh, come on, come on, come on!

Tulgana IV has an ion field,

transporter won't get a solid lock.

You know that, baby bear.

Unless you aren't you.

My nickname's "baby bear"?
That's stupid.

[GRUNTING]

Aah!

Oh, here we are.
Captain's yacht.

Now we're talking.

You messed with the wrong crew, buddy.

Oh, yeah? Then why am I
about to take off

with my own warp-capable starship?

They'll never find me.

Unless someone buys them some time.

[GROANING]

Man, I'll k*ll you.
Don't touch that.

- Fine, I don't need to anyway.
- Wait. Really?

Sorry, baby bear.

Aah!

[BOTH SHOUTING]

SHAXS:
Dr. T'Ana, I need a medical team

to the captain's yacht now!

♪ ♪

Huh.

According to my scans,
there's no anaphasic presence.

Ensign Rutherford is still himself,

but his memory and personality
are from a decade ago.

It's almost like a backup
overwrote his brain.

I-I cleared the cache on his implant.

Did I erase my best friend?

Oh, cerebral activity's high.

Something's going on in there.

We'll just have to wait and see,

which Rutherford wakes up.

♪ ♪

[EXHALES]
Wha...?

Oh, come on, man.

Yep, now we're both stuck
in a blank white void.

Just shut up, old man.
This is all your fault.

[GASPS]
Wait.

You're a younger version of me.

No, you're the older,
cornier version of me.

And now we're both stuck
in the stupid mindscape.

Mind what?

It's a manifestation
of our brain. Look.

See? Try it out.

[GRUNTS]

Whoa.

Damn, you're right.

- This says we're in my subconscious.
- Yeah, dummy.

The brain can't handle having

two full copies of a person in here.

So it partitioned us?

Until one emerges as the
dominant personality, yeah.

Well, that's me.
You're an imposter.

Oh, really?
Then why can I do this?

Wait.

I've been here before.

Oh.

What's this?

RED RUTHERFORD: The Sampaguita,
fastest racer in the quadrant,

designed by yours truly.

This isn't a ship,

this is a seat strapped
to an impulse engine.

Yeah, baby. Pretty cool, right?

Hang on. If you're young me,

why don't I remember building this?

Because you erased
your own memories, man.

And you did it to me with this.

My implant?
No way.

It was just to help me
with engineering.

You sure about that?

What if someone asks why he has it?

We programmed that in.

He'll think it was elective.

You tried to erase all
the memories that made us cool,

but it didn't work.

The brain is more
complicated than that,

and it kept my cool ass stored away.

So, blao, here I am, baby.

If that's true,
then how come you never tried

- to take over before?
- I did, dude.

Haven't you noticed this thing
is always bugging out?

Your programs turning against you?

- Behavioral shifts?
- I did like pears for a minute.

I love pears. That was me
trying to get my body back.

Fine, so we're both us...
I mean me.

But if you take over,
won't I get erased?

Yeah. Only one of us
can walk out of here.

We have to choose.

And I choose me.

Later, loser.
[LAUGHING]

[PANTING]

[GRUNTING]

Come on.

Get off me, man.

You're not going anywhere
until we figure this out.

What is this place anyway?

This is our garage, man.

We used to sneak off from the Academy

to build our sick racing ships here.

That's cool, but why the sneaking?

Because of stupid Starfleet.

They never let us test our own engines.

They wanted to make us wait
until we graduated

before we're even near a warp core.

- So dumb.
- Makes sense.

We could have gotten hurt
messing around with this stuff.

Oh, but we did more than mess around.

We funded all this,

by winning Devron races, baby.

- [LAUGHS]
- Those go through the neutral zone.

- They're illegal.
- Yeah, duh.

Man, you really bought into that

whole okey dokey bull-[BLEEP],
didn't you?

Yes.
[GRUNTS]

We can't stay in here forever.

Shouldn't the best
engineer get to take control?

Yes. Great idea.

Let's take an engineering test.

No, man, tests are dumb.

How about something
a little more interesting?

A race.

Both of us build our own ships.

- Winner takes the brain.
- And the loser?

Gets erased.
Dude, come on. Keep up.

Aah!
I don't know how much longer

our body can stay in this coma,

so one of us has to take over.

Okay, I'm in.

♪ ♪

[MUNCHING]

Do you ever get to touch mummies?

Constantly.

And you never have to go
back in time to save Earth.

That only happened, like,
four times. Five, tops.

Oh, great.
The Collector's Guild.

[CHUCKLING]:
Well, look at this.

Word's getting around you little
ensigns can't leave the booth.

The only thing you two collect is dust.

- [LAUGHING]
- Oh, now, that was collectible.

Yeah, well, that was dumb
and you should hate yourself.

- So there.
- Okay, let's just calm down,

don't listen to them.
And...

Oh, no, here come
the conspiracy truthers.

Hey, Starfleet, when are we
gonna hear the truth

about what happened to Sisko?

What? No, he's working hard
in a celestial temple.

Yeah, right.

How about when parasites crawled

into Starfleet admirals' butts

and took over their brains?

Want to come clean about that?

It's just a stupid conspiracy.
It never happened.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Actually, I think it did.

- Really?
- How do we know

you two don't got butt bugs?

Well, if we did, we'd have
to k*ll you for figuring it out.

Sure, if you could leave the booth.

[LAUGHING]

- [GROANING]
- No, no, no, no.

- [MODEL SHATTERS]
- Not the 'Gazer!

♪ ♪

[SPUTTERS]
Oh, my God!

Hang on a second,
is this a Starfleet design?

Yeah.
It's the Delta Flyer.

It's superfast and it's got
pop-out impulse thrusters.

Tom Paris designed it on Voyager.

[LAUGHS]

I mean, you could have built,

literally anything you could imagine.

You know that, right?

I've always wanted one of these.

It's got some Borg tech and...

Dude, it's a shuttle with a paint job.

You could've made this.

♪ ♪

Whoa-key dokey!

Vulcan inverters, quad engines,

I mean, you might as well
just give me the body now.

Whatever.
The Delta Flyer'sawesome.

It even came with
a matching outfit for me.

You know, for a minute there I thought,

maybe the years you had
on me might even us up,

but this is just sad.

Hang on.
Let me get my outfit on.

[LAUGHING]

Whoa, hold on, you're on the Cerritos.

Your captain bombed
the Pakleds, didn't she?

Oh! There were so many
good artifacts in that city.

What?
Those idiots bombed themselves!

Great diplomacy either way.

[GROANS]
Oh, no. No, no, no.

I'm not [BLEEP]ing doing this.

I don't want to hear it
from you outpost scientists.

Well, I have a question
about joining Starfleet.

- Oh, uh, really?
- Yeah,

I love those uniforms.

- If I join, do I get one?
- Yeah. Yeah, you do.

I mean, our style isn't across
the whole fleet,

but they're in the California-class...

[LAUGHING]
God, I'm so sorry, I-I can't.

This guy actually thinks
the uniforms are cool.

They are cool.

Uh, then why are they always changing?

Starfleet updates them.

There's always room for improvement.

Like-like we get this really cool flap.

Oh, please.
Why do you even need uniforms?

You are not in the m*llitary.

- PETRA: I'd say they are.
- Oh, shut up!

Us outpost scientists
wear whatever we want.

Like this belt. [CHUCKLES]
Can you wear a belt?

- Ha, they can wear jewelry.
- [GASPS]

- Oops.
- [CROWD GASPS]

- [SCIENTISTS LAUGHING]
- That was my rank pip!

[LABORED BREATHING]

MARINER:
Whoa, okay. Boims, calm down.

We can replicate you another
one. You don't have to...

Aah!

Without Starfleet
none of you would exist!

We don't want to protect you
from the Klingons and the Borg.

We just want to explore
and study [BLEEP]ing quasars!

But you know what?
It's the right thing to do!

Dude, get back in the booth.
What if Ransom shows up?

Stupid [BLEEP]ing truthers!
You hate the truth!

You're just a bunch
of pathetic gossipy weirdos!

Collecting is stupid!

It doesn't make you happy!

Your ships smell like ass!

Boimler, get back here.

You're always getting people
trapped inside of games.

Stop trapping people inside of games!

[CLATTERING]

Is that guy with you?

Yes, but, uh, that behavior is not...

If being in Starfleet gives you
that kind of confidence,

then I want in.

He just told a Ferengi to [BLEEP].

- Oh, yes.
- [GLASS SHATTERS]

Um, hey, do you like engineering?

Uh, love it.
You guys do that kind of stuff?

Oh, absolutely. They got
a whole division for it.

The Doctor didn't spend seven
years in the Delta Quadrant

for you [BLEEP]s
to question his agency.

He's got rights.

RED RUTHERFORD:
Man, this is gonna be too easy.

I've randomized the
route to give you a chance,

but, fair warning,

if you see any Romulans, run.
They don't [BLEEP] around.

RUTHERFORD:
That's Neutral Zone .

Oh, okay. Cool, cool.

So you know all about
the uncharted black holes,

rogue planets and dangerous nebulas?

Rogue planets?

RED RUTHERFORD:
See you at the finish line, fam.

Or maybe I won't.

[BOTH EXCLAIM]

Ooh, baby. [LAUGHS]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here we go. [WHOOPS]

[GRUNTS]

Yeah!

Punch it, baby, punch it.

[WHOOPS]

- Aah!
- [LAUGHS]

Told you that Starfleet made you soft.

- [ALARM BLARES]
- Oh, [BLEEP].

Aah!

[BOTH SHOUT]

Aah!

[RUTHERFORD GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

Last man standing takes all, bruh.

RUTHERFORD:
Reroute power to aft shields.

Let's put some space
between us and that cruiser.

Ha. What, are you
talking to yourself?

Nope. Talking to my crew.

I boosted shields to %, Captain.

Charting a course
through that debris field.

It should provide cover.

We've got this.

RED RUTHERFORD:
Wait, hold up. Who is that?

We used our imagination
to make anything we wanted,

and I wasn't gonna race
without my friends.

Man, that ain't fair.

RUTHERFORD:
You said anything goes.

Aah!

All right, Mariner.

You better be in that booth

with a PADD full of names, or...

Great. Okay. So, yeah,
you filled it all out?

- Fantastic.
- BOIMLER: Don't doubt me!

I failed the Kobayashi Maru

- times, mother[BLEEP]!
- RANSOM: Boimler?

What the hell is going on?

I think that guy's being
controlled by butt bugs.

BOIMLER:
Ah, [BLEEP] off!

♪ ♪

[GRUNTS]

Aah!

His shields are down.
He's not gonna make it.

[ALARM BEEPS]

Tendi, now!

- I got him.
- [GROANS]

Hey. You're okay, you're safe.

What are you doing?

Mariner, get us out of here.

Okey dokey.

[LABORED BREATHING]

You won.

[COUGHS]

I guess Starfleet
taught you something after all.

No, no, no, don't, no, don't say that.

Just hang in there, okay?
You're gon-you're gonna be okay.

We just need to...

Engineer a solution.

[COUGHS]

I was always so angry, at everything.

But you...

All that rage is gone.

Well, can't we merge
and just be both of us,

all our memories combined?

Nah.
Then we'd both be gone.

[COUGHS]

Sometimes it's better to grow.

[GASPS]

I-I just remembered
how we got the implant.

Remember...

We thought we could do anything.

Damn it, no.

Come on, keep it together.

Aah!

OFFICER: This is going
to set us back years.

SURGEON:
How much do you want to erase?

OFFICER: Everything that has
to do with me or the program.

SURGEON:
That's a lot.

He'll come out with a totally
different personality.

OFFICER:
I don't care.

What do we do if someone asks
why he has it?

SURGEON: We programmed that in.

He'll think it was elective.

My implant was a coverup?

I guess someone broke
even more rules than we did.

[COUGHING]

No. Just hang on.

We can transfer you into
a positronic brain or...

No, no.
This is right.

Don't lose those friends.

[COUGHS]

Thanks for one last race.

[SIGHS]

[CHIMING]

[STEADY BEEPING]

RUTHERFORD:
[GRUNTS] Huh?

Take it slow, Ensign.

- You're gonna be all right.
- Rutherford?

Are... are you...

Yeah.
I'm okey dokey.

[TENDI SOBS]

RANSOM:
I meant what I said, Ensign.

You knowingly disobeyed a direct order.

Are you gonna send me to Starbase ?

Oh, God, no.
That place is a hellhole.

Coltar, when he drowned in the swamp.

You're just gonna
spend a night in the brig.

Wow. I've never been
sent to the brig before.

I hope you don't think less of me.

Honestly, hearing you
stand up for Starfleet

and give it to those loudmouths...

- I was impressed.
- Really?

Oh, yeah. Let's grab a drink
when you're out.

I want to hear how
those outpost losers cried

when you kicked over their table.

So there's someone out there
who blew you up?

Yeah, and whoever it was
must have been a higher-up

in Starfleet back
when I was a first-year,

but that doesn't really narrow it down.

It could have been anybody.

Dang, I'm sorry
you're in the brig, Boims.

But thanks for keeping me
from losing my cool today.

[SIGHS] I don't know how
you kept it together.

That archaeologist
was just so full of it.

Well, I guess for once
I have to do the mission log.

Aw, lucky.
That's my favorite part.

[LAUGHING]:
Of course it is.

But with Commander Ransom there,

the situation de-escalated quickly.

Next time, recommend
the Starfleet booth

not be set up near
the following organizations:

- The Collector's Guild...
- [RINGS]

Wow.
No, thank you.

Wait, don't hang up.
You were right.

About what?

I was only being a pain in the ass

because I needed a distraction,

so I could emancipate this little guy,

from that crooked museum.

Stolen from the Grand Nagus.

They're offering quite the reward.

Cool story. What do you want?

I asked around about you.

And I get that you love Starfleet,

but you really have
the potential for more.

So, you know, if you ever feel
like the bureaucracy

is holding you back, give me a call.

Uh, yeah, right.
I think I'll be fine.

I know you will.

Hang in there, Starfleet.

[MAN IMITATES WEAPONS f*ring]

Chirp.