07x22 - I'm the Mayo Guy, and He's the Sweet Tooth

[bunniefuu]

Kag: You curly bastard.

Kag: What do you mean, you lost all our money at the races?

Gin: Y-You've got it all wrong!

Gin: I didn't expect Justaway to show up there—

Kag: What about our pay?!

Shin: What about our pay?!

Kag: Hold it!

Shin: Freeze!

Hij: You're chilling out with a cup of tea and watching L YOU during a stakeout?

Hij: Just what part of your body are you trying to keep awake?

Ymz: Y-You've got it all wrong, Vice Chief!

Ymz: Today's report is seriously amazing!

Ymz: They're featuring four foods that can change your intestinal health—

Hij: Atone for your lack of discipline by committing su1c1de!

Hij: Hold it right there!

Shin: Quit running!

Hij: Damn, where'd he go?!

Gin: Move it! You're in my way!

Hij: You move it! I'm on duty here!

Hij: Want me to cut you down?!

Gin: Just move already!

Lake,Sign: Lake Toya

Hospital,Sign: Oedo Hospital

D : I don't see anything...

D : ...wrong with you.

D : We performed a full-body checkup,

Sign: Oedo Hospital's Request: Please watch this program in a bright room and at a safe distance from your TV.

D : but there was nothing out of the ordinary.

D : It's a miracle.

D : However, you may have hit your head, causing temporary memory loss...

D : ...so let me check, just in case.

D : Please state your...

D : ...name and occupation, please.

Hij: Sakata Gintoki. I run an Odd Jobs business.

Gin: Hijikata Toshiro. Vice chief of the Shinsengumi.

D : Oh, right.

D : Looks like we mixed up your file with the other patient in the same accident.

D : I'm extremely sorry.

D : It was a mistake on our end.

D : Yeah, you seem to be perfectly fine.

D : Well, let's see how things go.

D : Take care.

Gin: What a waste of time. Curse that moron.

Hij: Man, my head is k*lling me.

Hij: Am I really gonna be okay?

Meals,Sign: Set Meals

W: Welcome!

Hij: The usual, lady.

W: Sure thing.

W: One Hijikata Special!

Hij: Hey, lady.

Hij: Who ordered this dog food?

W: Huh? But you said the usual...

Hij: By "usual," I obviously meant the Uji Gintoki bowl!

Hij: You know, with a big helping of sweet azuki beans on steamed rice.

Gin: By any chance...

Gin: Do you mean this cat food here?

Hij: That's right.

Hij: Is this dog food yours, by any chance?

Hij: Come on, lady. Gimme a break.

W: Oh, I'm so sorry.

W: I see it's the other way around today,

W: Hijikata-san,

W: Gin-san.

W: You switched your orders, huh?

Meals,Sign: Set Meals

Bo: We switched?! We switched?!

Title: I'm the Mayo Guy, and He's the Sweet Tooth

Gin: Hey.

Gin: Give me my cigarettes, for starters.

Gin: They're in the chest pocket.

Hij: You really think the protagonist of an anime

Hij: that airs in the evening is allowed to smoke?

Hij: Have some self-awareness, dumbass.

Hij: That aside, hand over my Ahollo chocolate.

Hij: My sugar's running low.

Hij: It's in the breast pocket.

Gin: If the Shinsengumi vice chief were to eat junk like that,

Gin: he'd have to commit su1c1de for lack of discipline.

Gin: So watch it, scumbag.

Bo: Also... Also...

Hij: Gimme back my body! Gimme back my body!

Gin Inside,Sign: Sakata Gintoki inside

Toshi Inside,Sign: Hijikata Toshiro inside

Hij: Should a cop really be trespassing in people's bodies?!

Gin: You're the one who snuck into my body!

Gin: I caught you red-handed!

Hij: Let's see you try and arrest me! You're nothing but a bum right now!

Hij: You're a powerless piece of human waste! Serves you right!

Gin: You're the human waste, you damn thief!

Gin: Cops are just a bunch of incompetents who do nothing but gobble up taxpayer money!

Gin: You can't do sh*t right now!

Hij: Let's stop this.

Hij: I feel like all my punches are coming back to bite me.

Gin: Yeah...

Gin: I had a dream.

Gin: Back then,

Gin: after we were hit by the truck, I saw our bodies laid out below.

Hij: Wait, are you saying...

Gin: I had a bad feeling.

Gin: Something told me that if I didn't get back in my body immediately,

Gin: I'd never be able to get back.

Gin: That's when I noticed this weird fur ball come flying towards me from behind.

Hij: Wait, was that me?

Hij: Why did I have fur?!

Gin: I hit that fur ball

Gin: and went in the wrong direction,

Gin: into your body.

Gin: The collision split the fur ball in two.

Gin: One half got sucked into my body,

Gin: and the other into the assh*le of a cat's corpse.

Hij: What's that supposed to mean?!

Hij: Is the fur ball okay?!

Gin: Long story short,

Gin: while our bodies miraculously survived being hit by a dump truck,

Gin: our egos popped out and switched bodies.

Gin: Or, well, that's the dream I had.

Hij: Oh, a dream, huh?

Hij: Then if we wake up, this nightmare will end, right?

Gin: Wait!

Hij: Shut it!

Hij: The only way to get back to our own bodies

Hij: is to have another near-death experience and

Hij: cough up our egos on the asphalt again!

Gin: Are you stupid?!

Gin: If you drop me from this high up, you'll no longer have a home to go back to!

Gin: Guess I'll have to turn your home into a mince cutlet place, then.

Gin: Calm down!

Gin: Can you guarantee our egos will come out if we have another near-death experience?!

Gin: You might die for real this time, you know!

Gin: Until we find a surefire method to go back to normal, don't do anything stupid!

Hij: Does a surefire method even exist?

Gin: Beats me.

Gin: But nobody will believe such a ridiculous story, either.

Gin: We'll have to look for it ourselves.

Hij: You've gotta be kidding me!

Hij: What am I supposed to do in this nicotine-addled body until then?

Gin: Live with it. We don't have a choice.

Gin: I'll live as Sakata Gintoki of Odd Jobs,

Gin: and you live as the Shinsengumi vice chief, Hijikata Toshiro.

Hij: Screw you! How—

Bo: Found you. Found you.

Kag: Just how far do you plan on running?!

Kag: You'll pay us our wages today, once and for all!

Gin: H-Hang on!

Gin: What do you mean, wages?

Gin: Hey! What are they talking about?!

Hij: Good grief. You're not paying them on time?

Hij: Are there no depths to which you won't stoop?

Hij: While you're at it, brats, wring his overdue rent out of him, as well.

Hij: Any shady businesses that make their employees suffer will have me,

Hij: Shinsengumi vice chief Hijikata Toshiro, to answer to.

Gin: What are you suddenly acting like Hijikata-san for?!

Gin: You're the shady businessman here!

Gin: Time out! Your quack boss is over there!

Hij: Talk about a close shave!

Hij: I never thought I'd be saved by this body!

Hij: Like he said,

Hij: maybe we should stay this way for a while—

Oki: Sorry about that, Hijikata-san.

Oki: I saw you sneaking into this building,

Oki: so I charged in, thinking that maybe you'd found some Joi Rebels.

Oki: I'm sorry, really.

Oki: But usually, you would've evaded that.

Oki: Not on your game today, huh?

Hij: Th-That's right!

Hij: Whether I'm there or here,

Hij: it's all the same!

Station,Sign: Special Police Shinsengumi

G: Hijikata-san's still not here.

G: He's already twenty minutes late.

G: Isn't this bad?

G: The Shinsengumi Code says,

G: "No matter what the reason, anybody who's late to the morning assembly

G: must commit su1c1de due to lack of discipline."

G: That rule was created by none other than the vice chief himself.

Kon: Hey, Tetsu.

Kon: Go check on Toshi.

Tet: R-Right away!

Shin: Good morning!

Shin: As if those guys would ever be up this early.

Tet: This is bad, Vice Chief!

Tet: The morning assembly's already—

Shin: Gin-san, are you up—

Hij: You bastard...

Gin: What time do you think it is?

Hij: It's only : . It's still sleepy time, damn it!

Gin: It's already : : .

Gin: The battle's already started, damn it!

Gin: Disembowel yourself.

Gin: Atone for your lack of discipline by committing su1c1de!

Hij: Dismissed.

Hij: Time to go back to sleep.

Hij: I was hoping everything would be back to normal when I woke up,

Hij: but of course that didn't happen.

Gin: This is the worst.

Gin: Why do I have to look at this vulgar face first thing in the morning?

Hij: What's with this hairdo?

Hij: I keep trying to set it, but the bangs keep reverting to being V-shaped.

Hij: How annoying. This guy's definitely gonna be a V-shaped baldy.

Gin: This face is too slack.

Gin: Damn!

Gin: When I relax the muscles, the gap between my eye and brow grows.

Gin: His weak spirit has seeped all the way to the roots of his hair.

Gin: He'll have to be washed anew, all the way to the pores of his skin.

Hij: Forget it. This is a pain.

Hij: I'm just gonna do things my way.

Kon: Hey, Sogo.

Kon: Think he ate something bad?

Oki: Well, he's been eating something bad for his brain cells every day.

Kon: I can't believe he'd break the Shinsengumi Code.

Kon: He managed to fool the men, but something's definitely off about him.

Oki: He probably just overslept.

Kon: Still, has he always had such a slack-looking face?

Ymz: Oh, Vice Chief!

Ymz: Good morning!

All: Good morning!

Hij: Ow, my ears. Quit being so loud early in the morning.

Hij: What are you guys, voice-acting students at the Sasaki Animation Academy?

Ymz: Squads five through seven are ready!

Hij: Ready for what? Radio calisthenics?

Hij: Sorry, but I don't have a stamp.

Ymz: No, not that.

Ymz: Ready to sortie.

Ymz: We're on patrol duty today,

Ymz: so please give us the usual, Hijikata-san.

Hij: What do you mean, the usual?

Hij: Today's Hijikata-san is a bit different than usual.

Hij: Spell it out.

Ymz: I mean, recite the Shinsengumi Code to keep the men on their toes.

Hij: Oh, right.

Hij: You louts!

Hij: You haven't forgotten the Shinsengumi's ironclad rules, right?

Hij: Article of the code!

Hij: Er, huh?

Hij: "Anybody who criticizes someone who's forgotten the Shinsengumi Code must

Hij: commit su1c1de due to lack of discipline!"

Kon: You're the one who forgot it!

Ymz: Excuse me, Vice Chief...

Ymz: I'm not sure Article goes like that.

Hij: Okay, you commit su1c1de.

Ymz: W-Wait a second, Vice Chief! I've never even heard of such a code!

Hij: Oh, sorry. It was Article .

Ymz: We don't have articles in our code!

Hij: Article : "Anybody who says we don't have articles

Hij: must commit su1c1de."

Ymz: Why are you touching on Article in the very first one?!

Hij: Shut up. The Shinsengumi Code changed yesterday.

Ymz: First I've heard of that.

Ymz: What's that all about?

Hij: Shinsengumi Code, Article :

Hij: "Anybody who sweats the small stuff must commit su1c1de!"

Kon: He shut them up!

Kon: He sh*t them down with a contrived move!

Hij: How long will this

Hij: Hijikata-san of yours have to hold your hands until you're satisfied?

Hij: The Shinsengumi Code? How am I supposed to kno—

Hij: I shouldn't have to recite it. It should be ingrained in your bodies.

Hij: The ironclad rules to keep you acting like proper samurai?

Hij: If you've got the time to ask others for such crap,

Hij: look within your hearts.

Hij: Why don't you guys find your own code and follow that?

Hij: Quit bothering Hijikata-san for every little thing.

Ymz: Vice Chief...

Ymz: Y-You mean you're abolishing the Shinsengumi Code?

Hij: Take it as you will.

Hij: For the time being, I'm going to follow my own Shinsengumi Code,

Hij: and go back to sleep a third time.

Kon: W-Wait, Toshi!

Sign: Odd Jobs Gin-chan

Code,Sign: Odd Jobs Code : Anybody who's late must commit su1c1de. : Anybody who doesn't pay rent on time must commit su1c1de. : Anybody who doesn't pay salaries on time must commit su1c1de.

Shin: Uh, Gin-san...

Shin: What is this, exactly?

Gin: The Odd Jobs Code.

Gin: Ironclad rules to whip you slackers into shape.

Gin: The next time you violate them, you'll have to commit su1c1de on the spot.

Code,Sign: : Anybody who hogs payment money and gambles with it must commit su1c1de. : Actually, anybody with naturally curly hair must commit su1c1de. : Anybody who has stinky feet must commit su1c1de.

Kag: But this is pretty much all about you, Gin-chan.

Gin: Who are you calling Gin-chan? That's President to you.

Gin: The person I was until yesterday

Gin: got sucked into a cat's assh*le and d*ed.

Gin: Don't think you can lead a depraved lifestyle anymore, you brats.

Kag: Uh, you were the most depraved one here.

Gin: Anyway, as much as I hate to do this,

Salary,Sign: Salary Salary

Gin: I'll give you these.

Gin: It's your overdue pay.

Gin: If you perform well,

Gin: I'll even give you a bonus.

Gin: Also...

Rent,Sign: Rent

Gin: Where do I pay rent?

Kag: You monster!

Kag: Where'd you get this money?!

Kag: The bank? The convenience store?

Kag: The human trust?!

Kag: I don't remember raising you to be a monster that pays salaries!

Shin: We've got trouble, Otose-san!

Shin: Gin-san...

Shin: Gin-san says he wants to pay our salaries and rent!

Oto: Say what?!

Oto: Hurry up and inform everyone in town!

Oto: A meteorite's going to fall on us!

Gin: I seriously want out of this body right now!

Gin: See? It's definitely my passbook.

Gin: Open your eyes wide and take a good look.

Kag: Very well!

Shin: Your wish is our command, President.

Gin: Talk about a sudden change!

Gin: The next time you doubt me, you guys will have to commit su1c1de!

Bo: Yes, sir!

Gin: Listen up. If we want to make business flourish,

Gin: our organization has to stop being disjointed and act as one.

Gin: And that is why we have the Odd Jobs Code.

Gin: Individuals need the resolve to harshly discipline themselves for the group's sake.

Gin: Then, and only then, will an organization be united

Gin: and become capable of displaying its full capabilities.

Gin: To that end, we'll first...

Gin: How are things going over there?

Hij: Not making any progress at all.

Hij: I'm making my men ask around all over town,

Hij: but nobody's ever heard of egos switching bodies before.

Banner,Sign: Shinsengumi

Kon: What are you doing, Toshi?!

Kon: Let's go have a bloodbath with the Joi Rebels already!

Hij: Oh, Gorilla.

Hij: I'll be right there.

Hij: And how are things on your end?

Gin: I made my men look into it as well,

Gin: but ended up with similar results.

Shin: What do you fiends think you're doing in public?

Shin: As the captain of Odd Jobs Squad Two,

Shin: I, Shimura Shinpachi, shall adhere to the Odd Jobs Code

Slay,Sign: {\fad( , )}Slay

Shin: and slay evil immediately.

Slay,Sign: {\fad( , )}Evil

Slay,Sign: {\fad( , )}Immediately

Gin: Hold up, four-eyes. Let them go.

Gin: They're not bad guys.

Hij: I see.

Hij: Neither of us made any progress, huh?

Bo: Like hell!

Gin: What is that? Some kind of band of bandits?!

Gin: They don't look like the long arm of the law at all!

Gin: More like the crooks that get caught by it!

Hij: And what are you doing, bringing ripoffs into my house?!

Hij: What does he mean, "slay evil immediately"?

Hij: Stop him now! Stop him before he uses the Gatotsu!

Gin: Are you stupid?!

Gin: I instilled some order in your unruly mob! Be grateful!

Hij: You should be grateful to the vice chief who gave your

Hij: organization its freedom back!

Oki: That's enough.

Oki: Lay one finger on Toshi-san, and I'll make you pay, boss.

Gin: Why the hell are you on his side?!

Kag: Right back at you.

Kag: If your sword moves even a little,

Kag: I'll slay Toshi immediately.

Hij: Hey! Don't use the Gatotsu!

Hij: Don't use the Zero Stance!

Oki: Interesting.

Oki: Why don't we see which is faster, your Gatotsu Ogino Stance,

Oki: or my Nine-Headed Dragon Trash?

Kag: I couldn't ask for more.

Hij: Nobody asked for this! You're just asking for a b*ating!

Gin: Wait! Wait! Stop!

Numbahs,Sign: Eight One Two Seven Nine Three Six Five Four

Hij: Calm down!

Slay,Sign: Slay

Slay,Sign: Evil

Slay,Sign: Immediately

T: ...sama.

T: ...oki-sama.

T: Hang in there, Gintoki-sama.

Hij: Oh, it's you, Tama.

Hij: Feels like it's been ages since anyone called me that...

: Hey...

Hij: Tama! How'd you know?!

T: Rest assured.

T: Your bodies can go back to normal.

Sign: Doll House

Gen: So this is Ginnoji,

Gen: and that's the demonic vice chief, huh?

Gen: Guess I was right to have Tama look for you guys after I heard about the accident.

Gen: Listen well.

Gen: The truck that ran you over

Gen: was transporting a certain machine that was developed in secret.

Gen: A terrifying machine that could affect humanity and even universal causation!

Gin: Wh-What are you talking about?

Hij: Just what happened to us?

Gen: This is just a guess,

Gen: but the machine must have malfunctioned due to the impact,

Gen: resulting in the tragedy that befell you two.

Gen: That's right.

a*t*matic,Sign: Fully a*t*matic Egg-on-Rice Maker

Gen: It was caused by this Fully a*t*matic Egg-on-Rice Maker!

Hij: It's nothing but junk!

Hij: What the hell is a Fully a*t*matic Egg-on-Rice Maker?!

Gen: Those with a discerning eye can tell.

Gen: It's the pinnacle of science, the result of my years of research, realized at last!

Hij: Wait, you built it?!

Gen: If you put an egg in this transfer device here,

Gen: it'll separate the yolk from the white and extract it.

Gen: And if you put soy sauce in the other transfer device,

Gen: it'll extract just the perfect amount.

Gen: And by warping those onto the steamed rice in the center,

Gen: it can help anybody make the perfect egg-on-rice easily!

Gen: It's the machine of dreams!

Hij: That wasn't easy at all!

Hij: Just how contrived a contraption did you build to make egg-on-rice?!

Gin: What kind of malfunction would it take

Gin: for this egg-on-rice maker to switch people's egos?!

Gen: That's elementary.

Gen: After the accident, the transfer devices fell out of the truck and malfunctioned,

Gen: extracting your egos instead of yolks,

Gen: and instead of putting them on steamed rice,

Gen: put them in each other's smashed bodies.

Gen: It made, not egg-on-rice,

Egg,Sign: Egg-on-Rice

Ego,Sign: Ego-in-the-Wrong-Device

Gen: but ego-in-the-wrong-device.

Bo: That wasn't funny, you shitty geezer!

Tsuzuku,Sign: To Be Continued

Sign: Preview

Hij: All right, here's the next episode preview.

Gin: Hold it! You're me right now, so shouldn't I be doing this instead?

Hij: I may be you right now, but it's still me on the inside,

Hij: so it's fine if I do it, you damn curly.

Gin: You're the damn curly!

Title: I'm a Failure as a Leader, and He's Also a Failure as a Leader

Gin: Wait, I am? Huh?

Hij: Damn, the title went up already!

Hij: N-Next episode: "I'm a Failure as a Leader—"

text r: Since their switched egos have made a mess of the

text l: we will handle it instead.

text r: Next episode: "I'm a Failure as a Leader,

text l: and He's Also a Failure as a Leader."