09x05 - Life, Death, and Shades/All the Answers Can Be Found in the Field

[bunniefuu]

Gintama,OP Card: Gintama

Slip Arc,OP Card: Slip Arc

Warning,Warning: Watch the Slip Arc in a bright room and at a safe distance from your TV!

Gol: Don't do it. You'll be mincemeat if you fall from this high up.

Mad: Don't get the wrong idea.

Mad: I just want to know if I still have the wings to fly.

Mad: And I came here to find out, is all.

Gol: Life is precious. Don't throw it away.

Title: Life, Death, and Shades

Mad: Look who's talking!

Mad: You totally wanna lay waste to a life!

Mad: You're totally trying to k*ll someone, right? You're an assassin, aren't you?!

Gol: Don't get the wrong idea. I'm just here to hunt boars.

Mad: From how far away are you trying to hunt boars?!

Mad: Really, don't be stupid. Don't commit a m*rder.

Gol: I don't wanna hear that from a suicidal man.

Mad: I don't wanna hear that from an assassin!

Gol: I don't wanna hear that from a man wearing filthy-ass shades.

Mad: I don't wanna hear that from a man wearing lame-ass shades!

Gol: Your shades are more lame.

Mad: Nah, your shades are more lame.

Gol: Let me be honest.

Gol: I couldn't care less what kind of shades you wear, or when and where you wear them.

Mad: We're talking about shades now?!

Gol: Besides, do you really have it in you to jump?

Gol: You've been doing this every day for the past month.

Mad: Even though I want to die,

Mad: thinking about shades smashing into the ground makes my shades tremble.

Mad: You're an assassin, right?

Mad: Do you know a way to die that isn't scary or sad and doesn't hurt or break shades?

Gol: You're basically saying you don't wanna die.

Mad: If nothing else, I want my shades to live on!

Gol: Can't you just take them off before you die?

Gol: I'm an assassin, you know.

Gol: If I stop to think about how my victims feel, I couldn't do my—

Mad: Oh, I know!

Mad: I could just have you k*ll me!

Gol: Wha—

Mad: You could send me to heaven in one sh*t, without letting me feel any pain or fear!

Gol: Screw you. Do you have any idea how much money is involved in each of my sh*ts?

Gol: I don't waste my rounds.

Gol: Be it when I'm k*lling my targets

Gol: or when I'm making love to women.

Gol: All it takes is one sh*t. It's over in an instant.

G: Huh? Done already, CEO?

Gol: That's my creed.

One_and_Done,Sign: One and Done

Gol: and that's where my moniker of "One and Done Synshen" comes from.

Synshen,Sign: Synshen

Mad: They're just mocking you for sh**ting your load early!

Mad: Guess I'll have to k*ll myself right here and now, then.

Gol: Wait, wait.

Gol: How about this?

Gol: You head to the roof of that skyscraper now.

Welcome_to_Earth,Sign: Welcome to Earth!!

Gol: My target is taking part in a welcoming party there.

Mad: You're really hunting a boar?!

Gol: Once I give the signal, jump off the roof.

Gol: When you fall into my crosshairs that will be aimed at my target,

Me,SignB: Me

Boar,SignR: Boar

Gol: I will pierce you both through with one sh*t.

Gol: That should do, right?

Mad: Aren't you making this too hard for yourself?

Mad: And the shades are being smashed to bits anyway!

Mad: I guess around here is fine.

Mad: Now I just have to wait for the signal.

Mad: With this, I can finally go to heaven—

Gol: Don't do it.

Gol: You'll be mincemeat if you fall from this high up.

Gol: Put yourself in the shoes of the lady who runs the cutlet place down there.

Gol: Actually, before all that...

Gol: Life is precious. Don't throw it away.

Mad: Really?! Here, too?!

Mad: There's an assassin here, too?!

Gol: If you don't want to die, leave at once.

Mad: But I do want to die!

Gol: I hear that One and Done Synshen is targeting this building.

Mad: Could he be an assassin hired by Synshen's enemy to k*ll him?

Mad: I have to go tell him right now, or the assassin who's gonna k*ll me will lose his...

Mad: Wait.

Gol: I see. Synshen is on that rooftop.

Gol: I must thank you for telling me.

Mad: Oh, you can just sh**t me in the head in return.

Gol: Sorry, but I can't do that.

Gol: Even an assassin has his creed.

Gol: The only people I k*ll arescumbags like Synshen.

Gol: Be it targets or women,

Gol: I don't go after those on the straight and narrow.

G: Huh? Done already, CEO?

Gol: That's where my moniker "Quickdraw Synron" comes from.

Quick,Sign: Quickdraw

Synron,Sign: Synron

Mad: Your moniker has nothing to do with your creed!

Mad: Are all assassins too quick to sh**t their loads?

Gol: How about we do this?

Gol: You head back to that building

Gol: and lure Synshen somewhere I can snipe him

Gol: using a scummy tactic.

Gol: If you do that, I promise to sh**t both you scumbags in the head.

Mad: This has gotten even more complicated!

Mad: I came here to die!

Mad: Why am I playing accomplice in an assassination?!

Mad: S-Synshen...

Mad: They got me.

Mad: Run away.

Mad: The enemy already has the entire city under its control.

Mad: I wanted to let you know that your life is in grave danger...

Gol: Hey, hang in there!

Mad: B-Before I die, could you take me up there?

Gol: Just wait.

Mad: Hell yeah! He fell for it!

Gol: I'll get you to a hospital right away.

Mad: No, forget that. Just take me up there before I die.

Gol: You moron! Don't be so quick to say you're gonna die!

Mad: Why is he so full of passion?!

Gol: I told you that I'd k*ll you.

Gol: Don't you dare die until then.

Mad: He's a much nicer guy than I thought!

Mad: W-Wait. Aren't you a professional assassin?

Mad: Are you sure you should leave your job unfinished?

Gol: What do you think is more important? A job, or a person's life?

Mad: And who was it that was taking people's lives on the job?

Gol: Damn those scumbags.

Mad: Uh, you're the scumbag. Don't forget where you stand.

Gol: First they take my sister, and now they want to take my friend, too?

Mad: When did we become friends?!

Gol: What's going on?

Gol: Is there a sn*per on that rooftop, too?

Mad: Sorry, Synron-san! This is as far as I can go!

Mad: I mean, he's actually a really nice guy!

Gol: I'll be the decoy.

Gol: In the meantime, you use this to take out that sn*per.

Mad: Asking a half-dead guy to k*ll someone?

Mad: I can't tell if he's a nice guy or a bad guy anymore!

Gol: Don't die.

Mad: Like I said, I came here to die!

Mad: What the hell is going on?!

Mad: I came here to die!

Mad: I don't care anymore! I'll k*ll or whatever!

Mad: If I actually try to k*ll Synron, I'm sure he'll k*ll me.

Mad: He's already dead!

Mad: Hey! What are you doing?

Gol: S-Sorry, I screwed up.

Gol: I panicked and rushed to k*ll Synshen, but I failed to notice my rounds were gone.

Mad: He took that chance to hit you?

Gol: No, like I said...

Gol: I lost my rounds.

Mad: That really is one hell of a screw-up!

Gol: If I don't have any rounds, I can't k*ll you.

Mad: You don't need those round ones for that.

Gol: I'm no longer fit to be a sn*per.

G: Huh? Done already, CEO?

Mad: You were never fit and f*ring there anyway!

Gol: But it's fine.

Gol: Even if I did have the rounds, I wouldn't have been able to fire.

Gol: Some scumbag he was.

Gol: I can't believe he acted like that in front of his enemy in the middle of a hit job.

Gol: Do you know why my boss is being targeted by Synshen?

: This is what people call him behind his back:

: "sl*ve trader."

: The stuff he peddles includes people

: and Synshen's kid sister who was with him when he was an orphan.

: Only then did he start walking down the path of a scumbag.

: So when I saw him do that, I realized something.

: He came here as a brother trying to save his sister.

: Could you tell him something for me?

: "I don't have the rounds to sh**t you with anymore,

: but I still have enough to unload into scumbags!"

Mad: Unload those into me, not scumbags!

Mad: I'm done with this crap!

Mad: I'm just gonna jump off the roof!

Gol: It's been years since we were sold off.

Gol: Our appearances have changed completely since then,

Gol: and we even cast our names aside,

Gol: but it seems we both chose to walk down the same path to get our sibling back.

Gol: You don't have the rounds to sh**t me with anymore?

Gol: Ichiko, you never had any round ones to begin with.

Boar: You siblings would've been better off k*lling each other.

Boar: If you two can't settle things yourselves, I can help.

Gol: You were always like that, Ichiko.

Gol: You loved to dress up like a boy and play with us.

Gol: You're so mean, Ichiro-nii!

Gol: I'm out of water here!

Gol: That's why I keep telling you...

Gol: You're too quick to sh**t your load.

Gol: Jeez! How can I win, then?

Gol: Isn't that obvious?

Gol: You put everything you have into one sh*t.

Boar: Is he going to sh**t me along with his sister?

Gol: Get ready for my best sh*t.

Gol: Because I've already fired it.

Mad: If you can k*ll me, I'd like to see you try!

Mad: Man, in the end...

Mad: I didn't die!

Gol: Looks like your wings are still right there.

Mat: In our job, fieldwork is everything.

Special_Crash_Co,Sign: Special Crash Course for Upper Management Candidates

Mat: But in any organization, the skilled employees are the first to leave the field

Mat: and take up leadership roles.

Mat: All of you master investigators will learn how the nectar of authority tastes.

Mat: But I didn't promote you just so you could rot.

Mat: What I'm basically trying to say is,

Mat: no matter how far up the ladder you climb,

Mat: never forget the field where you came from.

Hij: Pearls of wisdom from the super boss who spends taxpayer money on cabaret clubs.

Kon: Don't be like that, Toshi.

Hij: We don't need a crash course. We're drowning in fieldwork every day.

Hij: I mean, we're full of idiots who think desk work means sleeping on a desk.

Hij: And who is he calling master investigators?

Hij: These useless rich kids who landed comfy jobs using their family names and contacts?

Kon: Hey, Toshi! They can hear you!

Hij: I want them to.

Hij: Oh, sorry. You're a rich kid from a famous family too, aren't you...

Hij: Mimawarigumi Chief Sasaki-dono?

Isa: No need to worry, Shinsengumi Vice Chief Hijikata-dono.

Isa: Once I become director-general, I'll effect elite reform by the elite for the elite.

Isa: For starters, maybe I should fire that napping thorny

Isa: and the dummy spreading secondhand smoke.

Isa: Don't you agree, Nobume-san?

Hij: Elite reform, my ass! Your subordinate is napping in class, too!

Nob: I'm not napping.

Nob: I'm snacking.

Japanese_for__Go,Sign: Japanese for Good Kids

Hij: They're both equally bad!

Oki: Hate to break it to ya, but I'm not napping, either.

Oki: I was pretending so people wouldn't figure out during recess that I have no friends.

Hij: Why the triumphant look?

Hij: Why are you two competing over school tropes?

Hij: Also, a guy messing with his phone during a lecture has no right to complain to me.

Isa: I'm merely noting down the important points.

Hij: And I'm using nicotine to clear my head so I can pay attention!

Isa: Crap, game over.

Hij: So you were just playing a mobile game!

Mat: Keep it down, you louts!

Mat: b*at it to the hallway in under three seconds,

Mat: or I'll blow your brains out.

Mat: One...

Title: All the Answers Can Be Found in the Field

All: What happened to two and three?!

Special_Crash_Co,Sign: Special Crash Course for Upper Management Candidates

Mat: So, yeah...

Mat: We'll have these guys act as guinea pigs, experience a crime scene, and investigate.

Mat: It's just a simulation, but I want you all to rack your brains along with them.

Hij: I don't care if it's a simulation or whatever. Bring it on.

Isa: Yes, though we'd rather not be compared to these people. Right, Nobume-san?

Records_of_the_T,Sign: Records of the Three Kingdoms

Nob: If you defeat Cao Cao early, you lose motivation

Nob: and stop caring about uniting China.

Oki: Cao Cao can be the last boss, then. Whoever defeats Wei first wins.

Kon: Okay, he said simulation, but not that kind!

Mat: A fictional crime scene will be displayed in VR.

Mat: Analyze the crime using the clues at the scene and identify the culprit.

Kon: Wh-What is this?

Kon: It's like the real thing!

Mat: This is HQ, you know. We have all the cutting-edge tech.

Mat: And we have files on every kind of case imaginable.

Mat: This case, based on a massive amount of data, is no different from the real thing.

Mat: Here's the gist of it. A corpse was found on this river bank.

Mat: An old lady living nearby was the first to find it.

Mat: She testified that she was here to do laundry when she saw it drift by from upstream.

Kon: What kind of case is this?!

Kon: HQ's case files clearly have folktales from Japan mixed in!

Mat: I hear a similar case happened in the past.

Kon: Like hell it did! This is Momotaro!

Hij: We don't know for sure that this is Momotaro yet.

Kon: Uh, he obviously is. He was even inside a peach.

Hij: Acting on misconceptions can lead to mistakes.

Kon: The granny was here to do laundry!

Hij: Pops, was the peach already split when it was found?

Mat: Granny testified that she pulled it out in this state when it came drifting by.

Kon: We're actually doing this? We're investigating this stupid case?

Hij: That's weird.

Hij: If he came drifting by in this state, Momotaro's body should be wet.

Kon: You just called him Momotaro. You admitted it is him, right?

Hij: Also, can an old lady really drag a peach with an adult inside all this way?

Hij: There's something off here.

Kon: Yeah, like an adult being inside a peach!

Hij: The granny probably wasn't alone when she found this.

Hij: What is Gramps's alibi?

Mat: Cutting grass in the mountains.

Kon: That was an alibi?!

Kon: It was something that scary?

Old_Man__Possess,Sign: Old ManPossession

Sickle,Sign: Sickle

Hij: Pops, get us a DNA comparison on Gramps's sickle and Momotaro's blood.

Kon: What are you thinking? That's terrifying!

Hij: The fatal wound matches the way the peach was split.

Hij: In other words, he was k*lled by the old couple when they split the peach.

Kon: What the hell kind of folktale is this?!

Hij: They didn't do it on purpose. It was an accident.

Hij: But that's why they fabricated alibis...

Isa: You're mistaken.

Isa: It seems you're the one who is shackled by the story of Momotaro.

Isa: That's why you overlooked a vital piece of evidence.

Hij: What?

Isa: You're too fixated on the man inside the peach, the granny's laundry,

Isa: and Gramps's grass cutting.

Isa: Hence, you assumed that this tragedy occurred at the start of the Momotaro story.

Isa: But that's a mistake. Why, you ask?

Isa: Ask yourself, why is Momotaro so big when he was only just born from the peach?

Kon: You're taking issue with that now?!

Kon: You ignore the "born from a peach" thing and take issue with that?!

Kon: And why are you shocked?!

Isa: Going from his filthy clothes and the lack of kibi dango,

Isa: we can tell that he'd already finished fighting the ogres.

Isa: This incident happened after the end of the story.

Hij: Then why was he inside a peach again?

Isa: Look at this wound.

Isa: There's pretty much no sign of blood loss.

Isa: This proves that he was already dead when he got the wound.

Isa: What that means is...

Isa: Somebody k*lled him and dumped him in the river

Isa: in order to frame that old couple for m*rder.

Kon: Why is this getting so complicated?!

Isa: It was all camouflage.

Isa: But thanks to that, we can narrow down the list of suspects.

Isa: When you consider Momotaro's situation after fighting the ogres,

Isa: the true culprit

Isa: can only be one of these three.

Isa: It is said that Momotaro's party brought back treasure from Onigashima.

Isa: But we're talking about animals and a peach-born monster here.

Isa: It's not hard to picture them fighting over the treasure.

Kon: How much must you corrupt Momotaro before you're satisfied?

Isa: Among them, the only one who can place such a cunning trap is the mon—

Oki: It wasn't the monkey.

Oki: Shackled by the story of Momotaro, you overlooked something vital.

Oki: Monkeys can't use money.

Kon: Why does Captain Obvious have such a smug look?!

Kon: Their reasoning is getting stupider by the minute!

Kon: And why do you have a look of shock?!

Oki: In other words, the real culprit is either the dog or the pheasant.

Kon: Dogs and pheasants can't use money, either!

Nob: You're wrong.

Nob: None of them is the culprit.

Nob: You're so shackled by the Momotaro story that you've gone blind.

Oki: What? How can you say for sure?

Nob: Because that'd be a pain.

Kon: She ultimately wrote it off as a pain!

Kon: Anyone would look shocked after that!

Hij: Well, they're all animals either way. Can't really question them.

Hij: Pops, I'd like to see the autopsy report.

Hij: There must be another fatal wound somewhere.

Mat: Sorry to say this, Toshi,

Mat: but this is the only external wound that stands out.

Mat: However, x-rays did find something strange in his trachea.

Mat: Something shaped like a dango.

Kon: Uh, he totally d*ed choking on kibi dango!

Isa: This is why I can't stand plebs. That's not kibi dango.

Isa: It's what the monkey pooped out after eating the kibi dango.

Isa: You know how monkeys throw their own poop? I knew it, the monkey was the culprit.

Isa: I was right. An elite was right.

Isa: Praise the elite.

Kon: You're not thinking like an elite now!

Hij: You stupid? The gramps and gran would obviously be the ones feeding him.

Hij: Tempted by the treasure, they choked him to death using kibi dango.

Hij: The old farts really were the culprits. I was right.

Hij: Praise mayonnaise.

Kon: Didn't you paint them in a totally different light before?

Isa: The monkey.

Hij: Gramps and gran.

Isa: The monkey.

Hij: Gramps and gran.

Isa: The monkey's gramps and gran.

Hij: Gramps and gran's monkey.

Isa: We agreed it was the monkey just now, right?

Oki: Okay, fine. Let's take the middle option and say it was the eunuch monkey.

Kon: Middle option of what? Where'd the gramps and gran go?

Nob: It can be Monkey and Aska's gramps and gran, then.

Kon: Wait, what happened to Chage?

Isa: At this point, let's settle this once and for all.

Isa: Director-General, it doesn't matter if they're animals.

Isa: Let us question Momotaro's party.

Mat: Oh, if you want them...

Mat: They're in here.

Kon: All the suspects have been eaten!

Isa: Wait, are you saying Momotaro was the perpetrator?

Isa: I see. So that's how it is.

Isa: They were stranded on the way back from Onigashima.

Isa: The sad fate of his party is proof enough.

Isa: Instead of treasure, they fought to eat each other's kibi dango and bodies.

Isa: And almost like divine punishment,

Isa: the last bite, his friend's kibi dango, got caught in his throat.

Isa: The one who k*lled him was none other than himself.

Kon: No way... That can't be.

Kon: How can such a laughable cause of death turn into something so sad?

Kon: Toshi...

Hij: This is what the field is like.

Hij: It shoves harsh realities and even harsher truths right into our faces.

Hij: But we must not avert our eyes.

Hij: As cops, we have the duty to find the truth even if it's shrouded in darkness.

Kon: T-Toshi!

Hij: Look at this.

No_sneaking_bite,Sign: No sneaking bites.

Hij: It's a bag.

Hij: It likely had kibi dango inside.

Hij: He probably didn't eat a single dango.

No_sneaking_bite,Sign: No sneaking bites.

Hij: He must've given them all to his friends and chewed on his sandals or something.

Hij: But they went down one after another.

Hij: Considering how he could eat crap like this,

Hij: he must've ended up being the last one alive.

Hij: The rest of the story is as you said.

Hij: He chose that path in order to live.

Hij: You can't eat a bag like this unless you have extreme resolve.

Hij: He must've really wanted to live...

Hij: His friends' share of life, too.

Kon: Toshi...

Isa: Are you saying that sappy crap was the kind of reality you saw?

Hij: That's right.

Hij: This is the truth I believe in, the truth I found at this crime scene!

Mat: Bzzt.

Mat: Too bad. Close, but no cigar.

Mat: You got the "Momotaro was k*lled" part right.

Mat: But this isn't Momotaro.

Mat: It's the boss of Onigashima, who ate the entire Momotaro party alive.

Mat: Disguised as Momotaro, he came to the mainland to eat more humans...

Mat: But he d*ed without achieving his goal.

Cause_of_Death,Sign: Cause of Death

Mat: Basically,

Mat: the real culprit is a brain tumor. That's it.

Mat: That's it.

Sign: The End

Mat: That's it!

Title: Leagues in Search of a Scabbard

Gin: Next time: " Leagues in Search of a Scabbard."

TextR: Sure, it's been a while since we've seen Tetsuko,

TextL: but she has a fair amount of screen time, like in the live-action movie.

TextR: Perhaps because he treated swords like crap at a smithy,

TextL: Gintoki's butthole gets att*cked by one!