09x06 - 3000 Leagues in Search of a Scabbard

[bunniefuu]

G: Who goes there?

G: You must be Senbe the Manslayer.

G: Prepare to go down!

Gintama,OP Card: Gintama

Slip Arc,OP Card: Slip Arc

Tet: This is a great sword.

Warning: Watch the Slip Arc in a bright roomand at a safe distance from your TV!

Tet: It's nameless, but sharp.

Tet: Looks like it ran wild with its wielder in the past,

Tet: but it's being taken care of now.

Tet: Must belong to a retired general.

Shin: Tetsuko-san, that sword is actually a memento of Otose-san's late husband.

Tet: Oh...

Smithy,Sign: Smithy

Tet: I'll deliver it nice and sharpened tomorrow.

Tet: I'm sure it wants to go home soon, too.

Kag: Tetsuko, you can talk to swords? You're amazing!

Tet: It's not like that.

Kag: What about that one? What's it saying?

Tet: The number of battles it's gone through and the amount of blood it has spilled

Tet: is way higher than any other sword.

Tet: But it's been used as a weight for cup ramen way more than any other sword, too.

Gin: Man, I feel so much better.

Tet: Perhaps due to its poor treatment, I can see it shrouded in malice.

Gin: I thought I was gonna wet myself.

Kag: Malice?

Tet: Yes. Rather than the blood of enemies,

Tet: it thirsts for the blood of its wielder.

Kag: Wow, you're right!

Shin: You can tell when a sword looks down on its wielder?

Shin: That's our master swordsmith!

Kag: Though to be honest, we knew that, too.

Gin: Master swordsmith, my ass!

Gin: Why's a drawn sword just laying around right there?

Gin: Should a smithy be treating her products so badly?

Tet: What's this sword?

Tet: I don't remember it.

Gin: Don't play dumb.

Gin: Are you saying it came here by itself to get a massage? To rub one out?

Shin: This is a smithy! Not a brothel!

Kag: Maybe it got kicked out of its scabbard due to its low salary.

Kag: Tetsuko, you should hear out its complaints, too.

Tet: Uh, complaints?

Gin: Even I could hear those out.

Gin: You seem really up for this, sir.

Gin: Look at you, all naked before we even get started.

Gin: Your scabbard may have dumped you, but I'll make you forget about it all tonight.

Gin: And then, you can get a fresh start as a wok in Gin-san's place tomorrow.

Tet: Hey, wait!

Gin: Got that, Tetsuko? Make us a nice wok.

Shin: What are you doing? We don't even know whose sword it is yet!

Gin: Didn't you hear it? It's sick of cutting things.

Gin: It wants to stop hurting people and start frying rice instead.

Gin: We don't have a pan, so this is perfect.

Shin: You need a fresh start more than it does, you bum!

Gin: Ah, I don't know why, but I think I can hear the sword crying out in joy.

Shin: Uh, sorry,

Shin: but we can hear it, too.

Shin: I don't know about crying out in joy. This sounds more like dying screams.

Gin: Huh? You can hear that, too?

Kus: Bro...

Kus: Whaddya think yer doin' ta me?

Kus: Want me ta suck yer blood up?!

Shin: Gin-san?!

Title: Leagues in Search of a Scabbard

Smithy,Sign: Smithy

Kus: Yeesh.

Kus: There's no tellin' what samurai these days get up ta.

Kus: How scary.

Kus: If I were any other sword, I woulda snapped.

Kus: Be more careful. Most swords'll lash out at the drop of a hat.

Kus: Ya won't find many blunt, gentle ones like me.

Tet: S-Sorry about that.

Kus: Well, as long as ya learned yer lesson.

Kus: I'm not yellin' at ya 'cause I want ta.

Kus: Thankfully, nobody got hurt,

Kus: so let's call this water under the bridge.

Kus: Well, thanks for the yummy tea. Take care.

Gin: Like hell! I totally got hurt here!

Gin: How long are you gonna stay stuck in my ass?

Gin: And what the hell are you, anyway?

Gin: What's with this thing? I can't get it out!

Kus: Yer wastin' yer time, bro. We're a pair now.

Kus: I finally found ya, my scabbard. I ain't never lettin' ya go.

Gin: Did you just call my butthole a scabbard?

Shin: Calm down, both of you. Calm down.

Gin: How can I? I've got a sword in my ass!

Kag: Oh, just shut up and sit down.

Shin: P-Planet Excalibur?

Kus: Aye. Believe it or not, I'm an actual Amanto,

Kus: Kusanagi from Planet Excalibur.

Tet: K-Kusanagi-san?

Kus: I may be loiterin' about butt-naked without a scabbard now,

Kus: but when I was young, I was a famous sword.

Shin: Uh, could you stop talking about loitering butt-naked with that name?

Kus: Us excaliburlings have bodies made of liquid metal.

Kus: In other words, we can transform inta anythin' we wanna be.

Kus: We've transformed inta all kinds of weapons

Kus: and taken part in wars on all kinds of planets as mercenaries.

Kus: I came ta Earth a long time ago when I smelled w*r here.

Kus: Ever since, me and my wife Scabberina had been livin' as a very lovin' couple.

Shin: Who the hell is Scabberina?

Shin: Was your scabbard your wife?

Kus: She was too good for me, I say.

Kus: She always welcomed me back with a warm smile.

Kus: And back then, I was young, too.

Kus: I thrust in and out of her several times a day.

Shin: Stop moving like that. What are you saying?

Shin: Is it what I think it is?

Kag: If you had such a beloved scabbard, why are you naked now, Member Kusanagi?

Shin: Stop calling him that!

Tet: A sword and its scabbard are as one.

Tet: They're like SM*P, which only functions when all its members are present.

Shin: You two are doing this on purpose, aren't you?!

Kus: As time passed and I grew older, I lost my edge.

Kus: Our owner put us up for sale at a pawn shop.

Kus: For some reason, a buyer was found immediately,

Kus: but I was dumped in a ditch.

Kus: The buyer only wanted the beautiful Scabberina, not me.

Kus: For decades since then, I've been lookin' for her,

Kus: but I still have no idea where she is now.

Kus: I went from smithy ta smithy, hopin' ta meet a good scabbard,

Kus: but that was a swing and a miss, too.

Tet: So that's why you came to me?

Kus: I lost my owner and my partner 'cause I was so dull.

Kus: So I gotta take them back with my own hands...

Kus: The bright light from those days, and my beloved other half.

Kus: But I know from the bottom of my blade that I can't do anythin' as a lone dull blade.

Kus: Doesn't matter if it's just a temporary home. I need an owner, a scabbard!

Kus: I beg of ya, lend me yer ass for a while.

Kus: C'mon, please.

Shin: Okay! Come one, come all!

Shin: Is the sword on your hip a treasure that brings good luck

Shin: or a curse that brings misfortune?

Shin: Don't you want to know?

Sword_Fortune_Te,Sign: Sword Fortune Telling

Kag: Edo's best swordsmith, Murata Tetsuko, will ascertain your sword's quality!

Shin: And we're willing to bleed money on the first day!

Shin: We'll look at your swords for free today!

Shin: First come, first served!

Kus: You guys...

Tet: In truth, we want to check out not the swords, but their scabbards.

Kus: Instead of just givin' me this filthy ass, you'd go so far for me?

Tet: I'm not doing this for you.

Tet: I'm a swordsmith.

Tet: When there's a rusty sword of repute lying in front of me,

Tet: do you really think I could stop myself from sharpening it?

Kus: T-Tetsuko-han!

Tet: I'll lend you as many filthy asses as you want, so just shut up and sit tight.

Kus: Sorry. I forgot I was lugging this filthy ass around.

Gin: Who do you think this filthy ass belongs to?

Gin: What gives you guys the right to decide the fate of my filthy ass?

Gin: Wait, whose ass are you calling filthy?

Shin: Not like we have a choice.

Shin: He says he won't leave your ass until he finds a home.

Kag: If you wanna be freed, we gotta find his separated scabbard.

Gin: Quit messing—

Shin: Oh, by the way, excaliburlings are vampiric in nature.

Shin: If you do anything stupid...

Kus: Want me to suck up the blood from yer entire body?

Gin: Excuse me.

Gin: Would you like to be the scabbard for my sword?

G: Eek!

Kus: C'mon, bro. Yer makin' yer ulterior motives too obvious.

Kus: Ya'll never find me a scabbard like that.

Gin: I don't wanna hear that from the one sticking butt-naked into my butt.

Kus: Just watch me.

Kus: Hey, lady.

Kus: Want me to suck yer ********* *****?

G: Eek!

Gin: I'll k*ll your blunt ass!

Gin: Why are you getting me beaten up?

Gin: Why do I have to do this?

Kus: Crap, I messed up. Shoulda gone with "please suck my ****."

Shin: What kind of scabbard are you looking for?!

Shin: Nobody cares about the swords in your pants!

Shin: Stick them in Tasty Stick packaging or something!

Shin: Aren't you looking for your wife Scabberina?

Shin: Why are you trying to sneakily find a new scabbard?

Shin: Take this more seriously!

Shin: If you wanna find customers, talk to people who are carrying swords!

Gin: Ow, ow... Hey, what are you doing?

Kus: N-Nah, i-it a-ain't me.

Kus: Th-This is resonance.

Gin: What?

Kus: O-One of my own is nearby.

Shin: Huh? Could it be Scabberina?

Kus: N-Nah.

Sen: Is it true that you're ascertaining the quality of swords?

Sen: I'd love it if you could check mine as well.

Sen: What do you see?

Sen: Do you hear the screams of all the people I've cut down?

Sen: Or do you hear the sound of all the swords he's devoured breaking?

Sen: Whoops, looks like we have an unwanted visitor.

Sen: I'll come back some other time.

Sen: I'm sure we'll meet again.

Gin: What was with that guy?

Shin: Are you sure, Kusanagi-san?

Shin: That was an excaliburling, too, right?

Shin: They might've known something about Scabberina.

Shin: N-No way... He'd come ta this planet, too?

Shin: N-Never get involved with that guy. He's bad news.

Shin: Kusanagi-san?

Gin: Hey, knock it off. My ass can't take any more.

Gin: You're not resonating, are you? You're just trembling in fear!

Oki: Damn, he got away.

Oki: Welp, if I go back empty-handed, Hijikata-san will yell at me.

Oki: Whatever. There's a perfect replacement.

Oki: Boss, your usual wooden sword is one thing,

Oki: but we can't have you carrying that around during the sword ban.

Oki: You're under arrest for a Swords and Firearms Act violation and public indecency.

Gin: What? Wait, this isn't what you think!

Gin: Hey, stop clattering and say something!

Kus: You got it wrong. I ain't tremblin'.

Kus: I-I found her... I finally found her.

Kus: That bro's scabbard... That beautiful scabbard...

Kus: There's no mistakin' it.

Kus: It's my wife, Scabberina!

Special_Police_S,Sign: Special PoliceShinsengumi

Kon: This is horrible.

Kon: Have we identified the victim?

Hij: Probably a Joi Rebel from some faction.

Kon: The body's in tatters. Is it him again?

Hij: No doubt about it.

Hij: The massive cut that couldn't be inflicted by any mere human,

Hij: the sword that seems like it was ripped off at the hilt...

Hij: It has to be Senbe the Manslayer.

Kon: The mad sword that had bakufu officials trembling in the past

Kon: is now being used to shed the blood of his own comrades?

Hij: I'm perfectly okay with those mites k*lling each other.

Hij: But this bothers me.

Hij: It's unthinkable that a man could've done this. What purpose does it serve?

Hij: I heard a strange rumor.

Hij: Apparently, before Senbe betrayed his group,

Hij: he picked up a creepy black sword from somewhere.

Kon: A sword?

Hij: Ever since he did, he became a different person and obsessed over it.

Hij: He started acting strangely, like talking to the sword at times.

Kon: Are you saying his objective isn't slaying men, but the swords?

Kon: Sure you're not overthinking this?

Hij: I sure hope so.

Hij: But I've been put through hell by a sword, too.

Kon: That reminds me. I saw Sogo talking to his sword recently, too.

Kon: He might suddenly become a serial k*ller too, or something!

Oki: Oh, Hijikata-san.

Oki: Sorry, but I'm borrowing your room to take this guy apart.

Hij: Huh? What was that just now?

Kon: What did he mean, take apart? What was that we just saw?

Hij: Wait, Sogo!

Hij: No! Please no!

Kon: What are you doing in my room?

Hij: Finally got it out.

Oki: This won't do, boss.

Kus: You gotta be more gentle with elders.

Oki: Man, that was one hell of a surprise.

Oki: I didn't expect someone other than me to own an excalibur.

Oki: That's the boss. A real connoisseur.

Shin: Gin-san, you can finally kiss goodbye to playing scabbard.

Kus: Thank ya so much for lending me yer filthy ass.

Tet: No problem. We're glad this filthy ass was of use.

Kag: Yeah. If you don't mind that filthy ass, come hang out again.

Oki: Er, I'm not sure I follow.

Oki: Are we bidding farewell to the boss's ass?

Tet: The thing is, the scabbard holding your sword

Tet: is apparently Kusanagi-san's long separated wife.

Tet: So if possible, we'd like to send him back to his original home.

Kus: Scabberina, you've been silent all this while.

Kus: You must be mad, right?

Kus: I'm truly sorry!

Kus: I caused ya so much pain 'cause I was so weak!

Kus: But it's all right now.

Kus: I swear ta protect ya.

Kus: I'll never let ya go again.

Kus: Could we make a fresh start as one sword again?

Sca: Who're you, anyway?

Sca: Could somebody tell me what's going on?

Sca: Did he just propose to me out of the blue? That's messed up!

Sca: Who's this old fart? I'm scared, So-kun!

Shin: Huh?

Kus: What're ya talkin' about, Scabberina? It's me, Kusanagi!

Kus: Did ya have ta wait so long that ya forgot about me?

Kag: Hey, Member Kusanagi. Did you get the wrong Scabberina?

Kus: Nah! I'd never mistake her!

Kus: Right, Scabberina?

Oki: Uh...

Oki: Maybe you shouldn't dredge up the past after so long.

Oki: Everyone has memories they don't want to remember.

Kus: Wh-What's that supposed ta mean?

Oki: It means time has passed.

Oki: She's living a new chapter in her life now.

Oki: With me. Right, Scarlett?

Sca: Stop it, So-kun! People are watching!

Kus: Who're you callin' Scarlett?!

Oki: She's happy as she is now, so what're you doing here?

Oki: Take the hint, honestly.

Shin: This is starting to sound like a fight between ex- and current boyfriends.

Sca: Yeah, yeah!

Sca: So-kun is my savior.

Sca: Put on sale in a New York slum, I waited forever for a buyer.

Sca: Nobody gave me a second glance, but he bought me.

Shin: New York? You were on sale in New York?!

Sca: A worn-out scabbard, and his big, hefty sword.

Sca: I knew he was out of my league.

Sca: I knew it was just a game. That he wouldn't get serious.

Shin: What is this, Pretty Woman?

Sca: But he's always serious when playing around

Sca: and always plays around when he's serious.

Sca: That innocence of his gradually thawed my frozen heart...

Shin: Forget playing around, he basically used and threw you from the start!

Sca: Dunno who you are, but could you not get in our way?

Sca: We're plenty happy right now.

Kus: S-Scabberina...

Oki: I don't know how it was in the past,

Oki: but Scarlett is now crazy for my fat Kikuichimonji RX- all the way inside.

Sca: Stop it, So-kun!

Sca: This is too embarrassing!

Kus: Scabberina! This can't be!

Kus: I won't accept this!

Shin: Kusanagi-san!

Gin: Why'd you come back here?!

Shin: Kusanagi-san...

Kag: Oh, no. He's closed himself off.

Gin: My butthole is what's been closed off!

Gin: It's gone all the way inside!

Oki: Well, there you have it.

Oki: Sorry, boss, but could you get that blunt ass outta here already?

Shin: Gin-san?!

Shin: And what were you guys doing? Eavesdropping?!

All: Aw...

Oki: What's the meaning of this, boss?

Gin: You've gotta be kidding me.

Gin: I'm not leaving with a lid on my ass.

Gin: I'm constipated enough as it is.

Oki: Shall I slice open your belly and drag your guts out for you?

Kon: Stop it, Sogo!

Shin: You too, Gin-san!

Gin: You guys stay out of this! This runt is mine!

Gin: It's only right to settle a dispute over swords with swords, yeah?

Gin: A superior scabbard deserves a superior sword.

Gin: Isn't that right, Sogo-kun?

Oki: You mean...

Gin: My sword and yours...

Gin: Let's have a real sword fight to see which deserves that scabbard more.

Bo: Real sword fight?!

Oki: Amusing. This is a chance I thought I'd never have.

Kon: Stop it!

Kon: If you two sadists clash,

Kon: your sadism will repel and you-know-what...

Kon: I'm a masochist!

Hij: Don't take the bait, Sogo. The Shinsengumi Code bans personal clashes.

Gin: Oh, really? Personal clashes aren't allowed?

Gin: That's weird. I remember having very personal clashes with a pair of morons before.

Gin: Oh, I see. Those were more like "flashes," weren't they?

Gin: Those two were defeated before I could even do anything,

Gin: so they were clashes that were over in a flash, huh?

Kon: The duel will take place tomorrow!

Kon: It'll be held in the World Clash Tournament venue!

Odd_Jobs_Ace_Sak,Sign: Odd Jobs Ace Sakata Gintoki vs. Shinsengumi Ace Okita Sogo{\fs}Deathmatch

Hij: Have your neck washed and ready to be chopped off!

Kag: Shaddup! He's not gonna wash his neck!

Kag: He'll wash every part of his body but his neck with sponge gourd!

Shin: Hey, what happened to the Shinsengumi Code?!

Smithy,Sign: Smithy

Shin: What's wrong with you, Gin-san?

Shin: Why'd you challenge him to that battle?

Gin: It's not a battle. It's a buttle.

Gin: You wouldn't understand how it feels to have a sword stuck in your ass /.

Shin: I get wanting to be freed of the sword, but you're up against Okita-san,

Shin: the genius swordsman said to be the strongest man in the Shinsengumi.

Shin: And he's a super sadist to boot.

Shin: He was one misstep away from being a serial k*ller.

Shin: He's a trashy scumbag whose good looks are all he has.

Gin: Shinpachi, what do you have against him?

Kag: Shaddup! My ace ain't gonna lose to that runt!

Kag: This guy was one misstep away from being a NEET scumbag, too!

Shin: Uh, that's not missing any steps. It's Gin-san as we know him now.

Gin: What's that supposed to mean, Shinpachi?

Kag: Have more faith! Everybody is one misstep away from being a NEET!

Shin: Like hell!

Tet: Can I ask you something?

Tet: You'll both use real swords in the buttle tomorrow, right?

Tet: How are you going to fight with that?

Tet: One, two...

Gin: Ow, ow, ow!

Gin: Wait, time out! I can't... I can't!

Gin: I'll become Shiina Kippei! I'll end up like Shiina Kippei in Outrage!

Kag: Pull it out or stop? Make up your damn mind, you stupid Duncan!

Gin: They all look like villains! They all look like Takeshi!

Kag: Raise the horsepower, dammit, you stupid bean!

Gin: Wait, dammit, you stupid Gidayu...

Kag: All right, keep jogging toward tomorrow!

Kag: Eastward ho, dammit, you stupid Comaneci!

Gin: You're getting your priorities mixed up!

Gin: Enough! How long are you gonna stay holed up in there?

Gin: Just get out already!

Kus: No! There's no way a blunt sword like me could ever win!

Kus: I'm so blunt, I can't even rend my long-severed marriage or my regrets...

Kus: I'm just a corn potage Tasty Stick!

Gin: Don't casually try to be the yummy one, you stupid natto flavor!

Tet: Have more faith in yourself, Kusanagi.

Tet: The most important thing in a sword isn't its cutting edge!

Tet: It's the core that runs through its blade!

Tet: People and swords are the same.

Tet: Even if they run into brick walls, as long as their cores stay intact,

Tet: they can be beaten back into shape over and over!

Tet: Your love for your scabbard is the mark of a great sword.

Tet: Leave the rest to a smithy.

Kus: Tetsuko-han... Will you b*at me back inta shape?

Tet: Don't worry. I promise to turn you into the most splendid sword.

Tet: I won't let anybody call you a dull ass anymore.

Kus: I'm countin' on ya, Tetsuko-han!

Tet: Sure! Here I go!

TBC,Sign: To Be Continued

Title: The Super Sadist and the Super Sadist

Oki: Next time: "The Super Sadist..."

Gin: "...and the Super Sadist."

Side Bar Top Yellow,TextR: Huh? Another multi-episode arc?

TextL: Yep. Another multi-episode arc.

TextR: But after doing arcs that lasted entire cours,

TextL: we can stick by our g*ns and still call this a collection of short stories.