01x05 - Dog Spray Afternoon

[bunniefuu]

Okay, good. I'll wire the money. Bye.

It's all arranged. He's coming,

and he will wreak havoc on that park
beyond what anyone can imagine.

Of course, I can imagine it,
because I hired him.

- Do you know what they call him?
- What's that?

The one-man tag team.

- I don't get it.
- Graffiti? Tag?

You don't know slang?

Yep. How'd you hire him
without getting your hands dirty?

How does anyone hire anyone these days?

Cutouts, blind drops, a few careful
money exchanges on the dark web,

throw in a gift certificate,
and the best part is,

thanks to my relationship
with the owner of The Dispatch,

they've promised to run huge headlines
about this out-of-control graffiti story.

New Yorkers will be outraged,
and I'll step in to clean up the mess.

They're going to call it a plague.

- You like that? That was me.
- I mean, it works.

It's time for bed. White noise, please.

Too white. Ocean, please.

A graffiti plague in the park, what?

Bitsy's being a real Buttsy.

You're asking: Why don't I just tell
Owen and Paige what Bitsy's up to?

Well, I can't, because it's forbidden.

You see,
there's rules to being a narrator...

But the most important is that one. It's
kind of the grandmama of all the rules.

You can't tell someone in the story
anything about where the story is going.

Even if you know some juicy stuff.

There's so much I want to say
But I can't interfere

And, boy, the plot's about to get good
Or will it?

In just a few
The story will shift into gear

I can't say how
But wow, if I could, I'd spill it

Still, it's a secret
And I should keep it

So I won't spoil it
But I can bleep it

Spoiler alert

Bleep's gonna bleep
And bleep will start bleeping

Spoiler alert

Bleep and bleep, bleep
And then the plots deepen

Of course
There's a bleep when they bleep

And sorry, I don't mean to blurt

But bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep
Will bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep and so

Spoiler alert

I bleeped myself, so I didn't
give anything away because I bleeped.

So good job, me.

The guy with the paint's gonna...
Whoops, I can't say

And Owen will soo...
No, can't tell ya, but hey

Family's destiny comes into play

Which leads to...
Well, let me just put it this way

Spoiler alert

La, la, la, la
Try this, you won't hear it

Spoiler alert!

It's... Never mind
And there goes the rhyme scheme

But trust me, it's truly delish
I wish I could dish all the dirt

Too late, anyhow
'Cause the story starts now

And so

Spoiler alert

You're not gonna hear this guy squawking
about no-no stuff 'cause I need this job.

I have a very limited set of skills.
I don't even know Excel.

I don't want to get replaced
by some other schmuck.

Hi, how are you? Hello.

- I'm tired, okay?
- Oh, yeah, you look tired.

- What?
- But beautiful. Also beautiful. And young.

You try having two kids
and a full-time job.

I do?

I was up all night researching
Mayor Whitebottom.

I know he's dirty.
I can practically taste the dirt.

- There's an image.
- Well, I'm a writer.

Remember the mayor gave Paige
that weird, kind of ominous quote

about the Park League,
about how "We think we can do better"?

Vague. Scary. Excitement.

The mayor completely self-financed
his campaign by unloading real estate.

So, I looked into the public records
of real estate sales...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

...and each one
was just under three million dollars.

- Do you know why I think that is?
- Tell us.

Because in New York,
any real estate sale over three million

triggers an a*t*matic
money laundering investigation.

Someone doesn't want the public to know
they're giving the mayor money.

Here it is.

She's about to put it together.
It's gonna get intense.

- Okay, so, who is it?
- No clue.

What? Come on!

Okay, okay.

So Paige hasn't quite figured out
who owns Mayor Whitney Whitebottom,

but she'll get there.

- Owen?
- Go ahead, Elwood.

- Owen, it's Elwood.
- Yeah, no, I know.

- Your employee.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You might wanna come see
the Bethesda Fountain.

We got a graffiti situation.

The fountain?

Big cement tub with water
coming out of it? I think so.

Not the Bethesda. The taggers know better.

- Oh, God. All right, I'll be right there.
- A new tag? I'll go with you.

Molly, please, do not be interested
in graffiti. It's a scourge.

I have a passing interest at best.

- Cool.
- Cool.

Cool.

But tagging is not cool.
And this fountain thing seems bad.

Real bad. So, so bad.

Such a heinous crime.

- This is why they have the death penalty.
- All right, too much.

Yes?

Mrs. Brandenham called
to go over some of her estate papers.

Really? I wonder why she didn't tell me
you were coming.

I'm Helen.
Seen that name on any documents?

Yes? No? You're not giving me much.

Bitsy, your estate lawyer
is here to do estate stuff, I assume.

And apropos of nothing,
not even sure why it comes to mind,

I fluffed all the pillows
and alphabetized your pills.

Actually, Helen, I'm glad you're here.

And I'm glad to be here.

Let go of me.
Why are you talking that way?

I need you to take Shampagne for an hour.

And do what with him?

Shampagne's mood hasn't improved.

His therapist is suggesting a radical new
treatment called outdoor movement therapy.

So, walks?

Can't we just hire another dog wa...
Outdoor movement therapist?

The last time a stranger took him out
of this hotel, I nearly lost him forever!

By the way, you've been sending that idiot
a box of bees every day, right?

- Yep, yep.
- Also, the dog therapist sent me a collar.

The collar broadcasts a signal to my phone
so I can see where he is at all times.

Problem is, I can't figure out
how to see him on this. Can you?

- Your cell phone.
- Why didn't he say so?

- What does "Sh... Art" mean?
- I can't believe it.

Do they think this is funny?
'Cause it's not.

- "Shart."
- Timeless.

I know graffiti comes with the territory,
but certain things are off-limits.

- Agreed. I do like the...
- Don't! Don't like anything about it.

You still look like you're admiring it.
Look mad at it.

- Me too?
- Yes. Everybody look mad.

Dad, you keep doing that nervous thing
where you wipe your hands on your shorts.

I think your shorts
are getting confused and scared.

Sorry, taggers make me anxious.

I'm gonna have to call Gootch.

- You know someone named Gootch?
- He's my tagger informant.

Keeps me in the loop
on who's spraying what.

You have a tagger informant?

Yes, Molly. You don't think I'm cool
enough to have a tagger informant?

Not really, Mr. Wipey Hands.

Well, I am.
And no saying Mr. Wipey Hands.

Elwood, turn on the thing,
but still look mad.

I'll try,
but it's really fun to use this thing.

I know.

Whee!

I mean... Grrrrrr.

Oh, that's kind of a big piece.
Make sure you share.

Shampagne. Oh, my baby.

For all I know, Bitsy is signing
everything over to you right now.

What would you even spend it on,
squeak toys shaped like food?

Why am I giving you ideas?

- Oh, perfect.
- Oh, my sweet boy.

I knew I'd see you again.
Now give me some of that sugar.

Wow, that's so nice.
Look at you two. Okay, bye.

You're so lucky you get to walk him.

Lucky? I'm a grown woman
carrying around a tiny bag of poop.

You don't have to brag.

Could I maybe,
possibly just hold the leash

for, like, one second to ten minutes?

Why, do you wanna take him for a walk?

More than anything.

Wait, really?

Yeah, screw it. You can walk him.
Just do a full loop.

Oh, you will not regret this.

Or maybe you will,
we haven't really discussed expectations.

Thank you so much.

Oh, I didn't give him any baggies
in case it's a double feature.

Let him barehand it.
Life's hard. Learn it young.

Why do I put up with any of this?

- Helen, will you freshen up my drink?
- Okay.

Take Shampagne to see his doggy shrink

Of course.

Lace my girdle, file down my skin tags

Sure.

And count all my shoes and my handbags

- Helen, will you swallow all your rage?
- For now.

- Keep it like a monkey in a cage
- I love monkeys.

Just ignore Shampagne's
much higher standing

I will.

Adore me, endure me
Withstanding my demands

But I've got plans
So these demands are temporary

I couldn't bear it
Knowing where my future life could lead

I grit my teeth
And find relief repeating

If there's a will
There's a way, there's a way

If there's a will
There's a way, there's a way

If there's a will
There's a willy-nilly way

To be living like I'm top-notch
Filthy stinking rich, watch

Just gotta be smart like so
Keep playing my part like so

Don't step on my toes
Nobody knows what really goes on

In Bitsy's rich-and-famous lifestyle
Penthouse in the tower

Gonna have my hour with the willpower

- Maybe I'll manipulate the lawyer
- That's good.

- Show a little ankle in the foyer
- Men love ankles.

- Make him give me power of attorney
- Or else...

He'll leave Bitsy's house on a gurney

Her Shampagne taste is such a waste

It's time she tasted mine

Let's seal the deal up, club a seal up
Show me where to sign

Until that day I lay awake recalling

If there's a will
There's a way, there's a way

If there's a will
There's a way, there's a way

If there's a will
There's a willy-nilly way

Willy-nilly way
Willy, willy, willy way

Oh, Helen, is it worth it?

Maybe you should give up this life
of misdeeds and manipulation.

Just kidding.

Willy, willy-nilly, hey

Gonna shake that money
In my monkey bank

Gonna shake it
Willy, willy-nilly, hey

Gonna shake that money
In my monkey bank

Gonna shake it

Shake it willy-nilly
Shake it willy-nilly

Shake it willy-nilly
Shake it willy-nilly

If there's a will There's a will

There's a way, way, way, way

Way, way, way, way, way, way

Okay, I'm done.

I guess this could be worth three million.

Crap!

This does not look like
three million dollars.

Hate you, lid. I hate you! I hate you!

Yep, real estate scam. Definitely a scam.

It's cold.

Gootch, hope you haven't been
defacing my park today.

Maybe me and my boys were putting up
some throwies and fill-fills

behind the boathouse bathroom,
maybe we weren't.

Yep, great.

I shouldn't be talking to you.
Everyone thinks I fit the HAT.

- HAT?
- "Honor among thieves."

You don't know acronyms?

I know acronyms. That was confusing.
Hats are already things. Doesn't matter.

- You got the Goods?
- Bag of Goods, no Plenty's.

Daddy like.

I couldn't get a name, but this shart guy
has everybody pissed off.

Dude's tagging stuff I wouldn't go near.
And he's tagging other people's tags.

Dissing good scribbles all over the place.

Anybody seen him?
Can you tell me anything?

If he was local, I'd know him.
I wish I could tell you more.

Dude's giving defacing public property
a bad name.

How do you know it's a dude?
Could be a girl, right?

- Girls shart?
- Yeah, girls shart.

But I think it's called a "shoops."
How old are you, Gootch?

- What are you doing over there?
- Math homework.

All right, well, let me know what
you find out. Good luck with the math.

Oh, am I taking off my shoes?
I am taking off my shoes.

Ew, just got something on my stocking.
Putting my shoes back on.

- How long have you been there?
- Long enough to be uncomfortable.

But look, I taught Shampagne
a new trick on our walk.

It's like he's got a little mustache,
if mustaches went on top of your nose.

All right, enough whimsical stick tricks.
We need to get going.

Are you available, by any chance,
tomorrow? Same time?

What? Are you serious?
Yes! Yes, thank you.

Thank you, thank you!

Sorry. I'm not used to whatever that was.

That was a hug.

I thought
you were attacking me really gently.

Well, to be fair,
this is also how I would att*ck you.

Paint thinner. Out of paint thinner.
My guys need paint thinner.

I thought I had a emergency stash
down here in the basement.

I can give you my nail polish remover.

Will that work?
Will that get a shart off a seesaw?

And a bench?
And a guy who fell asleep on a bench?

Owen, Elwood. Bad news, Chief.

He... He took it up a notch.

You do not tag trees!

Look at that vein
on the side of your head going crazy.

Oh, yeah. Look at that. That is scary.

Night vision goggles, ghillie suits,
flare, super-duper-bright flashlights.

Oh, when did we get these in?
Ow. That'll be 413 bucks.

Dang, Dad. You mean business.

Not that much business.
I guess the camping stove is overkill.

Not even sure what I was thinking
with the speargun.

Can we see the total
with and without the face paint?

Tonight when this tagger strikes,
we are going to take them out.

Wait, "take them out," like k*ll them?

- No.
- Arrest them?

I don't technically have that authority,
so it's not so much "take them out"

and more
"catch them in the act on camera

and give that footage
to the proper authorities."

Great, but, like,
how do we know where they'll be?

Well, maybe if we map out
all the places they've tagged,

we can figure out a pattern or something.

Yeah.

Dad, you have had some dumb ideas
in your day, but that is not one of them.

Let's go.

Knock, knock.

Time for doggy's worm medicine
and Bitsy's heart pill.

Oh, crap. Which is which?
Why'd I put them on the tray like this?

- Oh, well. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
- We're busy. Pills later.

Oh, I didn't realize you were here
doing more estate planning.

I should bring us all tea, and we can
just hunker down and really get into it.

Privacy, please.
Shampagne has papers to sign.

- What? I mean, what? What's he signing?
- Stuff.

But he's a dog.
How would it even be legal?

Paw prints are legally binding
in the state of New York.

How else would they sign documents?
Dogs can't hold pens!

Go! Go on! Get!

He wasn't looking.

Okay. This is every spot
there's been a shart tag.

They're all over the park.
Is this just random?

- But what if it isn't?
- I guess that'd be neat.

There's a method to this madness
More behind this

A larger plan, an evil twist we missed

If we map out every spot
Marked by our vandal

We could conclude
This lewd graffiti scandal

He att*cked a tree at 85th

He tagged the Delacorte

- He switched to red at Rambles Shed
- He sharts like it's a sport

He hit so many playgrounds
All the meadows

Oh, put dots here and here
He also sharted those

Okay, just shout out what you see
The first thing in your head

Chicken pox, gumdrops
A dalmatian in a bed

Wait, are you just naming
things with dots?

- You said to say what it looks like.
- Yes, but once you've connected the dots.

Oh, you're not gonna like my list.

- Anybody else?
- I was also doing things with dots.

There's a method to this madness
We can solve it

- A chair, a yacht
- A big banana split?

- Maybe it's the skyline?
- These could be towers

Maybe it's just random
We've been at this for two hours

Two hours? That puts you all on overtime.
Clock out. Clock out.

- Thanks a lot, Elwood.
- Yeah, thanks a lot, Elwood.

Wait, let me see something.

There's a method to this madness

Thank you. I've been saying that.

It's not a chair, a yacht
Dessert or hat

He's spelling out a word
He's on to the last part

A secret code
He's writing with his art

If you connect the dots like this

It's a giant shart

There's a method to the madness

There's a method to the madness

All he has to do is cross the T

- Looks like we're doing a stakeout.
- You mean we all get overtime?

Looks like I'm doing a stakeout
with Molly.

"Graffiti plague ravages the park."

That's what I'm talking about.

I'm the smartest person in the world
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Doggy's good leash is at the cleaners,
so I have to use this old one.

Sure, sure.
Just make sure you do the full loop.

We had a little extra custard after lunch.
I don't want him to get custard belly.

We're gonna have ourselves a great walk.

And by custard belly,
I mean expl*sive diarrhea,

so bring extra baggies
or a sponge or something.

Twelve different sales.

Never to an individual buyer.
Always a corporation.

Pretty standard for New York real estate.

Big companies are buying up
whole chunks of the city.

Now, if my watch is correct,
it's cake o'clock in the break room.

- Another birthday?
- Doug's. We got him a chocolate cake.

I mean, his birthday was yesterday,
but we're doing it today.

Okay. I'm wondering if maybe
all these companies are connected somehow.

- Well, are they?
- I don't know.

Then why are you telling me?

Because you're my boss,
and also didn't you ask?

I said, "Hey, Paige,
cake in the break room in five minutes."

And then you were talking
about real estate for so long.

Okay, go! I'll see you in there.

All right,
but you're really coming, right?

I don't want it to be just me and Doug.

- All the tax numbers are the same.
- What?

All the companies use
the same tax ID numbers.

These supposedly different companies
are just one company

buying the mayor's crappy real estate
at ridiculous prices.

- You want some cake, Paige?
- Save my piece, Doug.

- Where do you want me to save it?
- Oh, my God, Doug, in the fridge.

Wait, just give it to me.

So, who owns the company?

Okay, not sure, but they filed
their articles of incorporation in Panama.

- Yikes.
- Yikes.

Why "yikes"?
Don't say yikes when he says yikes.

You can't find out
who owns a Panamanian shell corporation,

that's why people make
Panamanian shell corporations.

Duh.

Doug, so help me,
I will smoosh this in your face.

- But it's my birthday.
- It was your birthday yesterday, Doug!

You think you're gonna get
all the money, huh? A damn dog!

Do you have any idea
what I do for that woman?

Half of her blood used to be my blood.

Fluffy little face

With your fluffy dumb tail
Wagging to the pace

Life is tough with your plushy bedding
And your tushy-petting-getting

I could choke you till you croak
'Cause my life's a joke

You see
For once in my life I'd have glee

If I didn't have to lift a finger

If I linger here by the Harlem Meer

And I have to lag
And help an old hag with her handbag

Bless you, bless you
Achoo, tissue

Thank you
Yes, if we talk in the crosswalk

Then a bike group bikes by, bye-bye

And a horse on its course
Pulls its carriage with a force

And splat, you'll be flat
Like a hat that's been sat on

That's exhausting.

If there's a will
There's a way, there's a way

If there's a will
There's a way, there's a way

There's a way to get away scot-free

With a sneaky-deaky m*rder
Of the first degree

So, doggy, don't mess
See now who's a pedigree

Me

- I did not mean to come this way.
- But we meet here every day.

I thought I could take him by that statue
of Balto, the sled dog, again.

Someone has a crush.

Shampagne, not me.

Wait, why are you
slowly stepping away as I talk?

Am I? Look at that.
I'm gonna walk solo today.

Doggy wants to go to the Guggenheim.
No kids allowed. Gotta go, bye.

Shampagne doesn't like modern art.

He thinks it's become too commercial.

I can't believe we're gonna do
a stakeout tonight. This is so fun.

I know, right? But super serious too.

Dibs on the cool-guy takedown phrase.

I've got it. "Looks like
you've been painted into a corner."

Oh, that's good.

Are those ghillie suits?

Yeah, just some official Central Park
business. Nothing to be concerned about.

I wish I could go into more detail,
but we're on a stakeout to catch a tagger.

- Look at all our gear.
- A tagger? Okay.

Yeah, whoever's doing the shart tags
all over the place.

We think he's gonna hit this spot tonight.
I figured out the pattern.

Well, I can't stand graffiti.

Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like writing
on a public place, what's the point?

So, you just gonna wait here?

Yep.

Ideally, I was hoping the tagger
would strike at, like, 8:00 or 8:30.

- His bedtime is 8:45.
- No, not tonight.

I had a very strong cup of Earl Grey,

and I'm gonna be buzzed
until at least 9:30.

Feel free to make your faces look
like you're enjoying this more.

Union break.

Leave the money on the ground,
or just walk away. That's fine.

Paige! Paige! Hello.

How's your investigation going?

Be specific,
so we both know what you know.

Not great.

"Not great" not great,
or "not great" so great?

No, the first one.

I tracked the source
of Mayor Whitebottom's money,

but it's a Panamanian shell corporation.

I had to file an inquiry
through the Freedom of Information

and petition the Panamanian government
to unseal records.

In six short months,
I'll possibly kind of have traction

toward sort of beginning to figure out...

It's Bitsy! It's Bitsy Brandenham! Oh, no.

How would you know Bitsy Brandenham
owns this Panamanian shell corporation?

Okay. Well, see,
buskers always hear stuff in the park.

Important businesspeople are
always crossing through the park,

talking on their business phones,

thinking buskers don't know anything
about Panamanian shell corporations.

But honestly, why are we even talking
about how I knew this at all?

It's silly. You're being silly, Paige.

- That makes sense.
- Oh, thank God.

Wealthy people are always going around
buying influence with politicians,

and Bitsy and the mayor
do run in similar circles.

Right, yeah.

Now that you're putting it together,
it does make sense.

You put it together.
I mean, because you just told me.

Say what?

Bitsy Brandenham is behind the shell corp.

Your words. You said it. I mean,
can we just say you said it, please?

Yep. That'll work.

It's like he's got a little mustache.

Damn you, boy,
and your stupid stick mustache

that's not even in the right place.

- I can't do it.
- Hey.

- Nothing.
- Listen, I know why you ditched me.

You think I walk too slow.
I get it. Look at these stubs.

Yeah, that was it.
It's annoying, but I'm over it now.

Just try being taller next time. Let's go.

Shampagne!

Oh, for the love of...

- You saved me.
- I know.

- And you saved Shampagne.
- I know.

We owe you our lives.

Yeah, well, put me in your will.

When that tagger gets here,

he's not gonna know what hit him,
but it'll be us.

We'll hit him
with a sternly-worded cease and desist.

These suits are great.
I love being invisible.

I know, me too.

I got your note on the fridge.

Also, bushes blend in better
if they're not laughing and giggling.

And your flashlights are pretty bright.
Did you think about not having them on?

- It got so dark.
- We wanted just a little bit of light.

Maybe the tagger doesn't think
glowing, giggly bushes are weird.

Damn it, you're right. Who are we kidding?

He probably made us
and went somewhere else.

What? Are you the park manager
or the park "quitting-ger"?

- What?
- Wait.

Of course.

You know what, Dad?
You're right. Let's quit.

Really? You were kind of mean about it
a half second ago.

Yeah, nah, come on.

Listen, I think
quitting is exactly what we should do,

so here we go with the quitting.

You guys get real weird when you do this.

- Now!
- Gotcha!

You're gonna apologize to the park.

You left.

We only made you think we were leaving.

- We knew you were waiting us out.
- How?

You've got the same nervous tic as my dad.

I saw you do the same
compulsive thigh rubs that my dad does.

It's not compulsive.

Right. It's just a*t*matic
and you get upset if you can't do it.

See? Your mom gets it.

That's when I realized that
if this mega shart is your masterpiece,

then there's no way
you weren't gonna show up to finish it.

You're like my dad. You're compuls...

- Don't say it.
- Sorry, uncontrollably determined.

Fine, but you forgot one important thing.

- What's that?
- Run, run, run, run, run.

Dad, you don't need to chase him.
Look, we got what we needed.

This'll look good on a "Wanted" poster.

- Great job, guys!
- We did it.

- Molly, you did it.
- I know. I was being nice.

"You're gonna apologize to the park"?

It just came out. It just came out.

It was the tea talking.
I double bagged it. I'm still juiced.

Phew. Owen and Molly stopped that tagger,
and Bitsy was surprisingly cool about it.

And did Bitsy really leave everything
to Shampagne in her will?

Well, not yet. That stuff with the lawyer

was actually Bitsy making sure
she was in Shampagne's will.

She wants his sweaters.
They're the same size.

And maybe I bent the rules a little bit
by spilling the beans to Paige

about Bitsy and the mayor,
but who even remembers that?

And it looks like there aren't gonna be
any consequences anyway, so hooray.

But there are always consequences.

Hi, I'm Griffin, your new narrator.

Phew! I'm hungry.

- Hot dog time for Birdie.
- Hot dog time for Birdie.

Or should I say "not" dog time for Birdie.

Cliff-hanger.

Money in my monkey bank

Willy, willy-nilly, hey

Gonna shake that money
In my monkey bank

Gonna shake it
Willy, willy-nilly, hey

Gonna shake that money
In my monkey bank

Money in my monkey bank

Shake it willy-nilly
Shake it willy-nilly

Shake it willy-nilly

Money in my monkey bank

If there's a will
There's a way, there's a way

If there's a will
There's a willy-nilly way