02x06 - The Shadow

[bunniefuu]

Hi there. Music, am I right?

Violin-terested?

No? Not into it? That's fine.

You're into it, right? Yeah, you are.
Come on. Let's take a walk.

Nice place to play under here.
Good acoustics.

Not a lot of foot traffic.
Mostly urinators.

You can hear when they go
because of the good acoustics.

Anyway, I wanna tell you
a different story today.

This is what you might call a backstory.

And it doesn't touch
Owen and Paige and the kids.

Not directly, but I think it's important.

Also, they're not doing much.

I mean, they're doing good stuff,
just not...

I got through the maze.

- Good job.
- Thanks.

...that much right now.

Today's story is about something
that happened last night,

and also a long time ago.

And it happened here in a place that casts
a pretty big shadow over the park.

Yep, the Brandenham is the place

that casts a big shadow
that I was talking about.

And you'll notice
I keep saying the word "shadow"

because it's also the name of
a very mysterious, very notorious,

very sneaky, sneaky criminal mastermind
from this city's past: the Shadow.

And that, my friends, is wordplay.
Cue special opening.

You're living life on easy street
Got all the finer things

Emeralds in your necklaces
Got diamonds in your rings

You think nothing can get to you
But that's where you went wrong

You thought you were all alone
But your shadow

Was there all along

The Shadow's coming
The Shadow's coming

The Shadow's coming
The Shadow's coming

Your ivory tower stretches high
You're living up at the top

So high

Penthouse, doorman, personal chef

-Got vegetables to chop
-Chop, chop

And all the shiny things you love
Locked up inside the safe

In a safe

But that ain't gonna do nothing
When the Shadow

Is on the way

The Shadow's coming
The Shadow's coming

The Shadow's coming
The Shadow's coming

If you're living
Inside a castle for fools

Then there's fingers

Inching toward your family jewels
Well, well, well, well

Your titles and your accolades

-The Shadow doesn't care
-Sure don't

But if something shiny's locked away

-The Shadow will be there
-It's getting took

So if your back is turned
And you have martinis to sip

Drink up

By the time you turn back around
The Shadow done got your...

Oh, right. Sneaky.

Shadow

Someone stole my necklace.

And my slippers.

Wait, no, they're right here.
But my necklace is gone. No!

It's a disaster.

She's gonna squawk about this
to every hoity-toity bag of bones

- from here to Saint-Tropez.
- Probably.

I can't believe she called the cops.

I know. It was only worth $ , .
What was she thinking?

You complain to the front desk.
We buy you breakfast.

You let the insurance people
handle the rest, right?

I mean, be cool.

Hank Zevansky,
Knickerbocker Underwriters Insurance.

Oh, great. Insurance dork.

Ms. Brandenham, Hank Zevansky.

I'm with Knickerbocker
Underwriters Insurance.

- Ma'am.
- You don't need to meet her.

- Helen.
- I mean, this is Helen.

- Nice to meet you.
- How old are you?

The famous Bitsy Brandenham charm.

I'm so old my shingles have shingles.

I bet that joke worked for you once.
Maybe in the Middle Ages.

Yep, back when I was middle-aged.

So, you think it's a scam?

Think she faked the theft
trying to collect the insurance?

It was my third favorite necklace.
Oh, God!

It's always possible.

Look at her.
Really going for it, isn't she?

- You think she's putting it on?
- I bet she's as dirty as a diaper.

Probably got those rocks
shoved up somewhere.

Hello. Hi. So sorry again.

- There you are. What took you so long?
- Sorry, Ms. Brandenham.

What? I haven't had breakfast.

Maybe a little sip.
I haven't had a Bloody Mary in...

Get your own.

Are you insurance dicks
allowed to drink on the job?

I'm about to retire.

When you get to my age,
the rules don't always apply.

I'm sure you know how it is.

Don't include me in your super old club.

I better have a look around the room.

Hey, whoa. Look over there.

- What? Who?
- Never mind. That's Sal.

Hi, Sal. Don't let this guy rub
his disgusting powder all over everything.

Kidding.
Just giving you the business, Sal.

Well, it was a pleasure chatting,
Ms. Brandenham.

Where'd they dig him up?
Wait, my drinks. I'm down a BM.

Damn stupid thief. I'd like to
take a whack at his jewels.

If you're done here,
can you not stand around?

Also, why do you smell like that?
What did you eat?

- Salmon.
- Salmon? What are you, a bear?

- I'm on a diet.
- So we all have to suffer?

You couldn't splurge for a mint?

Ms. Brandenham.

Good lord. You scared me.
What are you doing back there?

I was just poking around.

- How much longer are you going to be here?
- I'll try to be quick.

Or as quick as these old bones can move.

Almost up.

Oh, my God. Hurry up.

Mrs. Vanderweef is staying next door
while this is resolved.

Why? So she can Vander-whine
all night about her stupid necklace?

Listen, call the mayor.

Tell him to assign better-looking

and non-bad-smelling police officers
to this, now.

- He can hear you.
- What? No.

Nothing can penetrate
the cloud of gas that clings to him.

- I can hear you.
- Ms. Brandenham, I'm glad you came by.

This theft, I can't help noticing
the similarities to the Shadow thefts.

To the Shadow thefts?

Son of a... Nope. Nuh-uh.
Do not say that word to me.

What? Shadow?

Shadow.

- Shadow.
- The Shadow never existed.

He was an invention of the press.

Something for New York to gossip about,
and horny teens around the campfire.

- What?
- Who is the Shadow?

You remember. It was
in every damn paper, like, years ago.

- You must've read about it.
- No. How old do you think I am?

I honestly don't know.
Somewhere between and .

It was years ago.
Absolutely fascinating.

I was just a kid.

- Mm-hmm.
- Had a full head of hair.

I could pull off almost any look
back then.

- Uh-huh.
- I had long hair before I joined the cops,

but then I had a crew cut
and I liked that too.

- Yeah. Got it.
- Right.

First the Shadow hit the Brandenham.

Then he hit another luxury hotel.
Then another, and another...

Right, he hit luxury hotels.

Robberies in rooms on the highest floors.

In rooms with extra security.
In rooms with a Jacuzzi.

No one was ever prosecuted.
No one was ever caught.

The first night,
all I had to do was guard the door,

keep the reporters
and the lookie-loos out.

But it was so exciting
to watch the detectives work.

I would've worked a double shift
if I coulda.

- Nerd.
- Later, I followed the story

in the papers like everyone else.

Things really got interesting
when they found the calling card.

- Calling card?
- Yeah.

Some thieves leave something behind
as kind of a signature.

At first, we didn't know
there was a card with the Shadow,

but that's because he carefully hid it
in the room.

You had to look hard, had to get lucky.

- So what was it?
- A crumpled-up wrapper

from one of those little chocolates
that the hotel leaves on your pillow.

I mean, isn't that just trash?

It was in a shape.
Kind of like a little sculpture.

- What was the shape?
- A penis.

With testicles. It was crude.

- The penis or the testicles?
- Both.

But you could make it out all right
if you look closely.

Oh, please. This is ridiculous.

You found some crap on the floor,
and you saw what you wanted to see.

Some sort of perv-igami.

I actually thought it was funny.

And hiding them like that,
taunting the police,

it was kind of clever.

Enough already. Just stop.

What? Don't you want to catch the Shadow
after all these years?

This has nothing to do with the Shadow.

The story of the Shadow
nearly destroyed this place.

It took years to build back
our reputation after that.

We had to host a pet rock convention.

I had to walk around telling people
how cute their rocks were.

Dear lord.

You're not a real detective, Mr. Zevansky.

Why don't you go home and watch

CSI: Special Insurance Victims Unit
or something?

You know,
it's a half-a-million-dollar claim.

My employer doesn't like
to write checks that large

until I've been down on my hands and knees
and crawled all over the place.

- I know the feeling.
- All right. So here we go.

Oh, boy. Easy does it.

Just another ten minutes, I'll be down.

Oh, my God. You're not still here.

Please tell me you d*ed
and you're just a depressing ghost.

Sorry. I'm just being thorough.

I can't stop thinking about the
similarities between this one and the...

- Don't say it.
- Okay.

- Where's Salmon Rushdie?
- Shift change.

Next one must be on their way.

I would love to sell
some rooms on this floor again.

You know, like a hotel does.

Think we might be finally
moving into the homestretch

of this very long, very annoying
whatever-you're-doing?

What are you even looking for?

Honestly, you know, I'm looking for...

Oh, no. Don't say it.

- Penis.
- You said it.

It's just so many similarities.

- Look at the safe.
- Meaning?

I'm % sure the thief used
a default security bypass.

Well, dum-dum, guests are supposed
to punch in their own stupid code.

But it's the hotel's responsibility
to reset the default bypass,

blah, blah, blah.

Hey, hey, I know how it is.
You run a busy hotel.

There's furniture to wash,
pillows to make...

- I don't know how it works.
- Not like that.

Let me take a sh*t
at this default security code.

I'm gonna bet it's some basic number
like - - - .

Try again, genius.

Zero, zero, zero, zero.

- Oh, crap.
- See?

And that's exactly
what the Shadow did too.

Also, our thief appears to have used
a passkey on the door, same as the Shadow.

Are you seriously proposing
that this thief is, in some way,

the same person
who committed crimes years ago?

Yes. And then there's the whole MO.

Who sneaks into a room
where the guest is sleeping anymore?

No one. It's high risk.

Junkies, daredevils
and Santa Claus, right?

- And the Shadow.
- Stop. This is irresponsible.

What do you want to do,
ruin this business all over again?

Do you know what the papers
would do with this?

Those vultures would be picking our bones.

I just know it's here. I bet you a nickel.

I'm gonna find that little penis
and you're gonna owe me a nickel.

There's no penis!
This isn't the Shadow, you nincompoop!

- How do you know?
- Because I was the Shadow!

What did you say?

I was the Shadow.

- Okay to clean?
- No! Out! Out!

- Go on.
- I was a hotel kid. You know?

Nobody gave a crap about me.
Nobody expected anything of me.

I quit school, no one noticed.

I moved back to the hotel,
still no one noticed.

I was angry at my family,
and I was bored out of my mind,

but no one ever noticed.

It was almost like I was invisible.

And then she walked in.

And, of course,
everybody noticed her with her jewels.

She was like my mother and my father
and every girl at school.

And she was so damn tall.

I hated her because I wanted to be her.

I wanted to be that shiny thing
that caught everyone's eye.

That's when I got,
what shall I call it, the urge.

I knew about the safes.

Different model back then,
but the same idea.

There was a passcode.
I had a passkey to the rooms too.

No one knew I had it.

I didn't make a sound. I never did.

Not a breath. Not a fart.

Up until I took that necklace.

Then I made a lot of noise.

Earrings disappeared from the suites

Cuffs and muffs from all vanities

Diamonds, rubies
That was all me

Safes were not so safe for their jewels
Not with Bitsy breaking the rules

Missing Tiffany
That was all me

I knew how to piss off my parents.

Before then, I used to put gum
in the room service plate covers

so it would get warm
and fall into people's food.

But this was a whole other level.

I knew how to get away
With the whole shebang

Didn't need the money
Didn't need the credit, honey, hey

Didn't give a rat's booty
Never sold any looty

- That's how they all get caught, you know.
- I know.

Headlines read of all of my deeds

Daddy's face was angry and he'd
Curse the guilty

That was all me

Stealthy was the name of the game

No one saw so no one complained

Sneaky Bitsy
That was all me

Then I couldn't be stopped
And I couldn't stop

Not when I heard 'em name me
Shadow was the name they gave me

I woulda called myself the Specter
Or maybe the Breeze

But either way, ow!

Robberies were going so well

Next, I went to other hotels

Bribing lackeys
That was all me

That was all me, that was all me
That was all me, that was all me

Damn, I was good

That was all me, that was all me
That was all me, that was all me

I was so good

I was giving my parents' money to bellhops

in order to steal from people
like my parents.

But no one suspected me
because I was small, and I was a girl.

And the penises?

Those were a kind of little note
for my father.

He never missed an opportunity to tell me

that he wished
I'd been a boy with a penis.

He didn't say the penis part
but it was implied.

Anyway, it was glorious.

The penises were how I left
My mark, mark, mark

'Cause my daddy wanted a boy
Named Mark, Mark, Mark

He loved to tell me so
'Cause he was a mean, mean, meanie

So I'd leave each scene
A teeny, little weenie

-As the Shadow
-I was living life at the top

Thought my thieving never would stop

So there's your mystery
That was all me

What'd you do with the jewels?

- Tossed them in the ocean.
- Really?

Yeah, Titanic style.

But I looked way hotter
than that old lady doing it.

- Chances are.
- Part of me wanted to get caught

so they'd finally see what I was
capable of, but I never did get caught.

And then my father d*ed,
and my mother d*ed,

and I inherited the hotel
because no one wanted it.

Millions of dollars in debt.

Far more than the jewels were worth,
even if I could've fenced them.

In the end, the joke was on me.

- What a joke.
- Yes. Hilarious.

- Thank you.
- What?

I've been wanting to hear you
say all that for years.

- What are you talking about?
- Well, I kinda staged all this.

- What?
- Let me explain. Let me explain.

I was here, like I told you.

I saw the cops all scratching their asses
trying to figure it out,

and I never really let it go.

Fifty-six years,
kind of just turning it over in my head.

I became a detective, then I went
to work for the insurance people.

But you kind of keep chewing
on these things... the good ones.

And I had a hunch, but I needed to know.
I just... I needed to know.

- Unbelievable.
- Yeah. I called in favors.

You know, I still know guys on the force.

I know nice Mrs. Vanderweef

because she does a lot of business
with my company.

Vanderweef. How?
How did you know it was me?

Well, I didn't know, but I suspected.

I saw you, you know, when I was here
as a detail on the first theft.

- You did?
- Mm-hmm. You made a big impression.

- I did?
- Uh-huh.

I knew who you were.

I wasn't that smart back then, but I got
the idea about you from the papers

and from hanging around
the hotel that day.

- You were the heiress, but...
- I was the runt.

No, no. I mean,
they might've treated you like that...

On a good day.

Most of the time back then,
they just ignored me.

Well, they might not have been
paying attention to you, but I sure was.

We rode the same elevator once,
and you were so...

Well, I had never seen anyone like you.

There was a moment forever ago

That keeps me up on quiet nights
And flickers like a pilot light

A moment forever ago

That makes me wade through memories

An old man lost in reveries

Back then I thought I'd all the time

A wishful thinker's paradigm

But when I look back
All that I can find

Is that moment forever ago

Was it over forever ago?

Now that moment forever ago

Is home to more than one regret

A reoccurring sad vignette

And that moment has taught me to know

That I can't let this one slip by me

Or else it's sure to also be

A moment forever ago

You were more alive
than anyone I'd ever seen.

The ball's on me then, huh?

Yeah, and the penises.

I sort of remember that.

The old sneakin' the lipstick
in front of the cop

to see what he does about it.

He gets a little weak in the knees.

You should've said something.

Yeah, I shoulda.

So am I busted? Or is this gonna go
on your podcast or something?

No, no. It's just for me.

My wife asked me what I wanted
for a retirement present,

and it got me thinking.

I'd love to give the Shadow case
one last look.

Close the book on it, once and for all.

- You're married?
- Forty-five years.

I feel bad for her.

She's a saint. This? You kidding?

So you're happy?

I am. You say it like it's a bad thing.

It's irritating.

How about you? Happy?

Want a little penis?

- I've already got one.
- No, I mean from the Shadow.

Yes, please.

- Piece of history.
- All right, all right, calm down.

So are you, you old fart.

- Do you need validation?
- I mean, we all do, right?

For parking.
My God. Old men. So emotional.

I walked. Came through the park.

I'm going up. You're going down.
Don't get any ideas.

- I'm married.
- So you say. It's just hard to believe.

The famous Bitsy Brandenham charm.

Oh, suck it.

So Bitsy thought no one saw her,
but she was wrong.

You know, sometimes when
just one person notices you,

it makes all the difference.

♪ There was a moment forever ago ♪

♪ That keeps me up on quiet nights ♪

♪ And flickers like a pilot light ♪

♪ A moment forever ago ♪

♪ A moment forever... ♪

♪ That makes me wade ♪
♪ Through memories ♪

♪ An old man lost in reveries ♪

♪ Back then I thought I'd all the time ♪

♪ A wishful thinker's paradigm ♪

♪ But when I look back ♪
♪ All that I can find ♪

♪ Was it over forever ago? ♪