02x11 - The PAIGE-riarchy!

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Central Park". Aired: May 29, 2020 - present.
Series revolves around Owen and his family living in Central Park in New York City who must save it from a greedy land developer.
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02x11 - The PAIGE-riarchy!

Post by bunniefuu »

Spring is my favorite time
of the year in the park.

A time of growth and vitality.
Drink in that nature.

Gnats! Not cool, nature! That's awful!

A ladybug, so beautiful.

I guess nature is awful and beautiful.

♪ Nature in New York City ♪

♪ All its beauty, all of its quirks ♪

♪ See it blossom,
looking all blossomy and nice ♪

♪ Then it dies and rots and stinks ♪

♪ But from that muck, voilà, new life ♪

♪ It's awfully beautiful ♪

♪ This mantis mom and dad made a cute baby,
then mom ate the dad ♪

♪ I stepped in poo. But wait. ♪

♪ From that poo springs something new ♪

♪ And even though it's on my shoe,
who cares? ♪

♪ It helps the flowers bloom ♪

♪ It's awfully beautiful ♪

♪ That even though,
I'm treading crap around ♪

♪ I'm helping things grow in the ground ♪

♪ It's awfully beautiful ♪

♪ And only jerks will mind,
that I smell like a behind ♪

♪ And baby bird sees mom fly
towards their little nest-y house ♪

♪ Mom greets them,
with the sweetest tweet ♪

♪ Then barfs into their mouths ♪

♪ Isn't it awfully beautiful ♪

♪ Awfully beautiful ♪

Dang it. More poo.

Mom, can you come here?

I recognize that baby bird call,
and here comes mama bird flying in.

Molly, you okay?

I... I'm fine. I just...

- I got my, you know...
- Is Molly...

I got my thang, my period.

It came, and now it's here. So, yeah.

Wow. Okay. Wow.
Honey, that's... It's happening.

Please don't make this weird, Mom.

Weird? No, not weird. Are you kidding?
This is great.

Periods are great. This is great.

- Congratulations, honey.
- Good. Dad's there too.

- Hey, sweetie. Good job.
- Did you just say, "good job"?

Hi. Cole here. I heard everything.
Now I'm totally up to speed.

Great. That's great.

So happy we could all share this.
Not embarrassing at all.

No, there is nothing to
be embarrassed about. This is great.

We are a family,

and when one of us gets our first period,
we all get our first period.

Wait, what?
My health teacher was very wrong.

Well, this is really fun, but
are we sure there's enough people here?

Oh, no. It's Brendan.

Brendan was coming to hang out,

but that was before
Molly got her other visitor.

Don't answer the door.

Don't worry. Dad's got this.

I'll go tell Brendan
you aren't feeling %

and that you'll text him later.

Okay, good idea.
But can you make sure to say it in a tone

where he won't know what's
really going on,

and he'll just think like,
"She probably ate some old cheese."

Yeah, I think I can do that.

Are you crying?

Feels like we just brought her back
from the hospital.

I'll never forget that day.

- No, you weren't alive, Cole.
- Agree to disagree.

Honey, I love you so much.
Want me to come in?

Show you where stuff is?
Hold your hand? Rub your tummy?

I was gonna say take me to the hospital,

but let's start with what you said.

So pads are up here.

And I, like, wear one of these every day?

You'll probably go through a couple.
Now that baby's for a heavy flow.

There's light days,
overnights, wings, extra longs.

Why the hell did I buy these?
My God, it's the length of my forearm.

Okay, I think I'm good. I got my pad.

- All right. I'm here if you need me.
- Thanks, Mom.

Gwendolyn Swish? That do-gooder?
This is worse than death.

You seem to want me
to ask what you're talking about.

This is a sneak peek at the names of who's
on Manhattan Money Magazine's

Annual Women Over
Worth Over Million list.

- What number are you this year?
- I'm .

For the first year ever,
I'm not on the list.

Gwendolyn fricking Swish
b*at me by $ , .

Gwendolyn Swish
is the heiress to Swish Tassels,

the country's
largest maker of fine tassels.

She's also
an animal-loving philanthropist.

Bitsy hates charity almost
as much as she hates people named Charity.

Being on the over over list
projects power, money, respect.

I need all of that
if I'm gonna buy Central Park.

The issue prints in hours.

That gives us hours to fix this mess,

and hours
to tackle this weird-shaped age spot

before they take my picture
for the magazine. Chin!

- Here you go.
- Not "gin." I said "chin."

I have an itchy.

Age spot just came off. Mustard maybe?

Let the lava flow!

What's going on?
The volcano's been dormant for years!

That's Lava Flow. A monster
who's exactly as scary as she sounds.

Kite Boy is here to help!

No, thanks. Can't explain it.

Okay, sounds goo...

Lava Flow's gonna ruin your plans today,

and for the next five to seven days,

and again about every days after that.

Trying to cramp my style, I see.

Want some peanut butter and pretzels?

I always crave sweet and salty
when I'm on my hunt for red October,

- if you know what I mean.
- Yep.

I also get super into dips.
What's Fista Puffs doing?

Fighting a lava monster
spewing out of a volcano.

Totally not related
to anything I'm going through.

Sure, okay. How you feeling?

Cranky, crampy, and wishing Dad and Cole
didn't know my business's business.

I'm sorry, honey,
but this is totally normal.

Actually, it's not normal, it's special.
In fact, you should feel proud.

I should feel proud of getting my period?

Yeah. Some of the greatest
accomplishments in history

have happened while women were on the rag.

♪ I know that it's kinda ♪
♪ Sorta hard to believe ♪

♪ That today is the day ♪
♪ That you're gonna bleed ♪

♪ Without being hurt ♪

♪ I know it's weird, but trust me ♪
♪ 'Cause I've been here before ♪

♪ When menstruation complications ♪
♪ Knock at the door ♪

♪ But it isn't a curse ♪

♪ Your uterus is letting go ♪
♪ Of what you don't need and ♪

♪ For some reason ♪
♪ That translates to bleeding ♪

- Uh-huh.
- I know when it happened to me

It felt like a joke.

Honey, don't ever let anyone
make you feel like it's gross.

♪ Anything they can do ♪
♪ We can do bleeding ♪

♪ Succeeding while bleeding ♪
♪ That's what I'm talking about ♪

♪ Anything they can do ♪
♪ We can do bleeding ♪

♪ So don't hide, take pride ♪
♪ Let me hear you shout ♪

♪ Cleopatra, on the rag ♪
♪ Harriet Tubman, on the rag ♪

♪ Marie Curie, on the rag ♪

♪ Maybe not all the time ♪

♪ But some of the time ♪

♪ Anything they can do ♪
♪ We can do bleeding ♪

♪ So don't hide, take pride ♪
♪ Let me hear you shout ♪

♪ We love our period ♪

♪ Come on, Molly. ♪

♪ -We love our period ♪
- Oh, God. Mom, no.

♪ - Come on, Molly. Can't hear you. ♪
- No, Mom. Too much.

♪ We love our period ♪

♪ -We love our period ♪
- Oh, my God.

♪ Anything they can do ♪
♪ We can do bleeding ♪

Wow, Mom. You really turned
that period into an exclamation point.


- Or-Helen-Gets-Pinched" is up and running.
- Please don't pinch me.

Gwendolyn Swish is one of those sickos
who donates all kinds of money

to save endangered ferrets, and donkeys,
and unicorns, and other annoying animals.

How does she sleep at night?

So, using my superior
intelligence and charm,

I'll persuade Gwendolyn
to swish a million of her dollars

into some dumb animal charity and...

And lower her net worth just enough to get
you back on the list before the deadline.

I wanted to say that part.

Now, I can't just waltz in and pretend
I'm super into animal philanthropy.

She's too plugged in
and will wonder why we haven't met.

And she'll wonder why you're waltzing.

That's why you'll pose
as my charity liaison...

Where did you get that picture of me?

...while I play the magnanimous benefactor

saving cute, little animal lives.
It's genius.

And I have to be involved?

And I get to be involved!

We'll have all sorts of decorations,
and games and food. Everything on theme.

- And what's the theme?
- Periods.

I've decided
to throw Molly a period party.

Just feel like she's not embracing this.

And Mom's wisely put me
in charge of the decorations

since I'm the best in the family at
creating experiences and using scissors.

So a period party. Is that a thing?

Observe in wonder.

Okay. I don't know what I was expecting,

but that seems
like a period party all right.

And who doesn't like fruit punch
and jelly doughnuts and red balloons?

- Is Molly cool with this?
- She will be.

She doesn't know about it yet?
Paige, are you sure this is...

A great idea? Of course it's a great idea.

We're gonna get Molly
to associate this moment

with something positive like cupcakes.

Okay, okay. I get it. I trust you.
I think. I trust you.

Hi, family. So the news is out.

I told Hazel, so she knows.
I'm a full-blown period haver.

That's great. Well, I hope
Hazel doesn't have plans tomorrow night

because she's about to get invited

- to a pretty cool party.
- What party?

We are throwing you a...

period party!

A party for me? For this?

I thought it was weird too,

but when something's weird,
I generally run towards it.

what better way to topple the patriarchy

than chugging punch while smacking
a piñata full of panty liners?

We're toppling the patriarchy?

Okay. Well, I just have
never toppled anything.

You're gonna love it.

And after this party, you're
gonna love your little monthly thang.

You're probably gonna wanna marry it.
So, are we ready to party or what?

Yeah, okay. I guess. Let's do it.

- You're never gonna forget this, sweetie.
- I know.

Watch out, Haze.

That rumble feels like
the volcano is gonna erupt again.

It's not the volcano. It's a...

A horse lady?

I'm the Paigeriarchy,
and I'm here to help.

The only way to handle this
is to embrace her and let the lava flow.

Good. Now a lot of lava
is coming towards the city.

Molly, you up there? What are you doing?

Nothing. Definitely not hiding from you
or your party planning.

Okay. Hey, do you want a red velvet
cake or a giant jelly doughnut?

Those are two great options

to represent what's happening to my body,
that you eat.

- You okay?
- Yes, why?

Because I'm alone
in a dark attic, avoiding the world?

Yeah, those reasons.

Gwendolyn, thanks for making time
for us on such short notice.

And who's this little creature?
Nice to meet you.

That's Shampagne.

He can't talk though.
I mean, you know that.

You do animal stuff.

May I also introduce my Charitable Affairs
Czar Attaché, or CACA, Helen.

- Hi.
- Nice to meet you. Gwendolyn Swish.

Now, Gwendolyn, we need your help.

Have you heard of the fennec fox?
It's the foxiest of foxes.

If you mean fennec,
also known as desert fox

or Vulpes zerda,
then the answer is of course.

Well, all those words you just said

have a date with the grim reaper
if we don't move fast.

We've been in touch
with the Fennec Fox Foundation,

and they need money
for their new breeding program.

With the proper resources,

we could supply them
with staff, candlelight, smooth jazz.

Whatever those foxes need to get frisky.

But they need a few million dollars
in funding

immediately before mating season ends.

A few million dollars?

Not all from you of course.

But even a tiny, little million dollars
would buy them some time,

a little foreplay,
put everyone in the mood.

You know, Bitsy,
I had no idea you did animal philanthropy.

I've never seen you
at any of the big events.

Manhattan Loves Marsupials
or Queens For Quails.

I'm a very private person.
That's why I have a CACA.

Tell her all the charity I do, Helen.

Just so much charity, almost too much.

Those ears, that face.
Do you want to see them die, Gwendolyn?

Or do you want to see them
go at each other like bunnies,

like fox-shaped bunnies?

I could write a check
for a million dollars right now.

Well, I mean, if you insist.

But my tassels are turning,
because I have a better idea.

What if you host
a fundraising brunch tomorrow?

Your hotel, my contacts, we could
raise enough to fund the whole program.

We'd make a k*lling,
or should I say, a not-k*lling.

Cute, but let's just go
with the you-write-a-check

for-a-million-bucks plan, 'kay?

I'll invite Bash Gables,
Jaunty Wells, Spellman Manspell.

You see that?
When Bitsy did that... with her eyes?

I can't do it, but you saw it.

Bash and Jaunty are also on
the women over over million list.

A fundraiser might give Bitsy
a chance to lower their net worths too,

get her ranking up on the list.

Triple the chances, triple the fun.

My dear, Gwendolyn,

hosting this fundraiser
would be my greatest honor.

- I'll do it, for the animals.
- Fan-tassel-tastic.

Great sanitary products
butterfly sculpture, Dad.

Thanks. I used the maxi pads
with wings for the... wings.

- Yeah, you did.
- Wow.

Close the door. We don't want Molly
to see anything before the big day.

This party is gonna be so fun!
You guys are doing great work.

Great? I need a "phenomenal"
or this has all been for nothing.

We're really doing it, aren't we?

Yep. We sure are.
Hey, could you hand me another glue stick?

Molly's gonna enjoy this party, right?

Yeah, I think so.
Me and Cole are enjoying ourselves.

I just never want her to feel embarrassed
or ashamed of her body.

And throwing her a period party is like

the only way in the world
to do that, right?

Right. Yes. We're doing this. Thanks.

- Great, hun.
- This is so fun.

I can't believe women have been hogging
this for themselves this whole time.

Here's an adorable fennec fox

where he looks like he didn't have sex

and now the whole breed
is going to vanish.

It's a big money day. I can feel it.
My tassels are tingling.

There's Donna
from the Fennec Fox Foundation.

I invited her
so she can deposit the checks today.

We need that M-O-N-E-Y ASAP.

Great idea. Every second counts
when you're talking about the list.

How do you... What list?

The endangered species list.
What list did you think I meant?

Of course. That list.
The only list that matters.

Are there even other lists?

Now please help me welcome
a woman whose generosity

is only rivaled by her wealth, good looks,

and ability to run successful hotels.

Now when you go on stage, do the soft ask.

Charm them.

I'm a freaking charm b*mb, Swish.

- Watch me explode.
- Your host, Bitsy Brandenham.

Thank you. Now, with grace and gratitude,
I ask you, give us your money.

Quickly. So we can deposit them today.

Thank you, Bitsy.

And let me just say,

whether you get to save this elegant,
crucial being or not,

I wanna thank my friends
for being a voice for animals.

Sometimes that voice is a meow, or a...

Or a...

Today we're asking you to use
your fox voice.

Put up the pictures of the baby foxes
yawning, 'cause they're so sweepy.

Not seeing a lot of hands writing checks.

Now, Bitsy, I said my tassels are tingling
and they're never wrong.

This place is a charity powder keg.

Well, how do we set it off?

What's that sound?

That's the sound of money.

Here we go, this is it

It's time, grab your pens

Can you feel it in the air?
Electricity is everywhere

- What the hell is happening?
- I don't know. These people are weird.

♪ Look at you, Mrs. Wells ♪
♪ Look at you, Mrs. Cook ♪

♪ Are your fingers getting itchy ♪
♪ On your own checkbook? ♪

♪ It's a golden opportunity ♪
♪ You cannot overlook ♪

♪ Write a check ♪
♪ Write a check, write a check ♪

♪ It's so thrilling and exciting ♪
♪ And so terribly inviting ♪

♪ -Write a check ♪
♪ -What the heck ♪

♪ Any number you can get ♪

♪ Fill it out on the line ♪
♪ We are running out of time ♪

♪ You will all feel fine ♪
♪ When you write your check ♪

My goodness.
I had no idea this was so exciting.

Leave it to me.
We're just getting started.

♪ Just wallow in their beauty ♪
♪ Just gaze into their eyes ♪

♪ These frisky little foxes ♪
♪ Always ready to surprise ♪

♪ They just need a little push ♪
♪ That only money can provide ♪

♪ Only money can provide ♪
♪ And that we've got ♪

♪ And your philanthropic tendencies ♪
♪ Will fill me up with pride ♪

♪ Feels so good inside ♪

I kinda wanna donate some money now.

Kidding. But this is fun.

♪ The more you give, the more you get ♪

♪ Those little darlings won't forget ♪

♪ They'll proliferate with attitude ♪
♪ And do it out of gratitude ♪

♪ I'm running out of platitudes ♪
♪ And now I'm out of breath ♪

♪ Write a number on the line ♪
♪ We are running out of time ♪

♪ Then we'll all feel fine ♪
♪ When we write our check ♪

We need more to get you off the list.

I mean,
the foxes off the endangered species list.

- I know how we can raise twice as much.
- Twice as much? How?

- Light the match.
- What?

♪ There's a stipulation ♪
♪ But it doesn't have a catch ♪

♪ All you have to do ♪
♪ One little tiny thing ♪

♪ Barely any effort ♪
♪ And it doubles all the cash ♪

♪ All you have to do ♪

♪ Light the match ♪

- What's "light the match"?
- Some wackadoodle charity gibberish

that's going to get me even higher
on the magazine's list.

♪ Everyone here thinks the same thing ♪

♪ -Let's chip in whatever we can ♪
♪ -And we can ♪

♪ The sky's the limit ♪
♪ And there is no gimmick ♪

♪ All you have to do is step right up ♪

♪ And raise your little hand ♪

Remind me,
what happens when I light the match?

The number doubles.

Oh, yes, of course.

And that's all I have to do?

♪ You see, it's very simple ♪
♪ Only elementary math ♪

♪ All you have to do ♪
♪ One tiny little thing ♪

♪ A simple proclamation ♪
♪ That's so easy to dispatch ♪

♪ Step up to the mic, light the match ♪

I'll light the match.


- Hi, Hazel.
- Hey. You good?

I'm okay. Just getting ready
for a totally normal party.

Wait, so they got you on ice duty
for your own party? That's not right.

Well, Cole wanted it all to be a surprise
for me, except the ice, I guess.

I'm nervous. Why am I nervous?

Right. I started my period

and my family is throwing
an actual party for it.

My cousin had a period party.
It was no big deal.

It was like a birthday party but
just, like, with a couple of red balloons.

I think they played Otis Redding music.

Good. I like those things.
Maybe that's what this is gonna be.


- Happy period party!
- I don't like this.

What's a diva without a DivaCup crown?

What the... Why the... Enrique?

- Sorry. Enrique dressed in period.
- I misunderstood the theme.

Follow me ovary here. Take it all in.
Appreciate the flow.

Don't worry. There are many more
period puns where those came from.

I just... Look at the...

And that. That's very...

You like it, honey? I gave
the butterfly antennae puffs, like yours.

Can I get you a PMS?
Peanut butter marshmallow sandwich.

Welcome to Molly's period party.


You invited Brendan?

Good day to you, sir. I seem
to have mistakenly traveled in time.

No, I actually didn't invite him.
But we're happy he's here.

Care for some punch with a crazy straw
shaped like a fallopian tube?

I just came by to bring you some soup

because your dad said
you weren't feeling well.

But I guess you're not sick.
You just got your...

Knock, knock.

What you drawing? "The Paigeriarchy."

I see she's dumping a bulldozer
full of cupcakes onto Fista Puff's head.

- Yeah.
- Honey, I'm sorry.

I may have come on a little strong.

Can we please just
not talk about this for five minutes?

Hear me out. You know.

The reason I've been putting
so much pressure on you

to have a magical first period
is because mine was epically terrible.

Really? What happened?

I was . We were on vacation in Waikiki.

All expenses paid. Grandpa won a contest.

♪ I was scared and so confused ♪
♪ Unfortunately, so was Grandma too ♪

♪ So I went to the bathroom alone ♪

♪ And shut the door ♪
♪ And asked my mom to coach me through ♪

♪ She said, "Just stick it up there" ♪

♪ I said, "Are you crazy cuckoo? ♪

♪ How have you never warned me ♪
♪ That this is what I'm expected to do?" ♪

♪ Then under the door ♪
♪ A pad slid through ♪

♪ A gift from my mama ♪
♪ The best she could do ♪

♪ But all I could think ♪
♪ Was everyone was gonna see it too ♪

♪ So I cried ♪

♪ Why now, Waikiki? Why, why? ♪

♪ Why me, Waikiki? Why, why? ♪

♪ Can you tell me what to do ♪
♪ 'Cause my mom's no help or use ♪

♪ So why me, Waikiki? Why, why? ♪

♪ Why me, Waikiki? Why, why? ♪

♪ But I trusted my mother ♪
♪ Knew all there was to know ♪

And, at first, no one noticed
I was packing a pad down below

♪ Splashing all around, feeling so alive ♪

♪ Just for a moment ♪
♪ Then I looked down and saw ♪

♪ My pad turned into a diaper ♪

♪ An ocean diaper ♪

♪ Like a big, wet soggy ♪

♪ You know, like a baby's diaper. ♪

♪ My ocean diaper was waving in the wind ♪

♪ With my ocean diaper ♪
♪ I could no longer swim ♪

♪ So I screamed ♪
♪ "Why now, Waikiki? Why, why?" ♪

♪ Why me, Waikiki? Why, why? ♪

♪ Can you tell me what to do ♪

♪ 'Cause my mom's no help or use ♪

♪ Why now, Waikiki? Why, why? ♪

♪ Why me, Waikiki? Why, why? ♪

♪ What was Grandma thinking? ♪

♪ Grandma didn't know better ♪

♪ No, Grandma never knew ♪

♪ Her mama never taught her ♪
♪ So she missed a step or two ♪

♪ I realized she just did her best ♪
♪ And as I grew ♪

♪ I gathered tools she never had ♪
♪ So that I could teach you ♪

- And now I know why you hate the beach.
- I'm sorry, Molly.

I just remember
wishing my mom would've told me

my period was nothing
to be embarrassed about

and that everything would be okay.

I should've been more honest with you.

The truth is periods
are kinda icky sometimes,

and cramps are total bull crap.

The bullest of craps.

I was trying so hard
to make sure you had a good experience

that I forgot
to let you have your own experience.

I should've just been here for you.

Don't tell Grandma,
but you're such a better mom than she is.

Thanks. Grandma's cool too.
She taught us how to count cards.

Thank you for the money.
And thank you for the money. And you.

Here are the donations Donna
will be taking to the bank immediately.

- Thank you for coming. Bye-bye.
- Don't forget my check, CACA Helen.

- One million dollars. Right, Bitsy?
- I lit the match.

This check's only for , .

Yes, and Bitsy's generous heart
lit the match, so that makes it a million.


with all your secret philanthropy,

you two must know what it means to light
the match at a fundraiser in Manhattan.

We all know. Right, everyone?

Uh-huh. Just remind me.

When a host lights the match,

she pledges to match
what's raised by her guests.

And with my check,

that means Bitsy's donating $ . million
to save those dear, dear foxes.

What? Those were just words.

You can't make me do something
just because I said I would.

- They're turning on you.
- Oh, caca.

$ . million.
Looks like I'm still worth more than you.

Maybe next year
you'll get on the over over list.

How did you know about...

There's a snake in the grass.

Nah, nah, it's me. But there was a mole.

Gwendolyn had someone on the inside
at the big magazine.

She figured out Bitsy
was trying to bump her off the list.

Getting Bitsy to light the match

and lower her own net worth
was Gwendolyn's revenge.

And because Bitsy
still wants to buy Central Park,

she has to pay up or risk her name
becoming the dirtiest name in the city.

I was wrong! There is a snake!

You two are the worst wannabe con artists
these tassels have ever tussled with.

Oh, my God! We get it.
You have a tassel factory!

Sorry, Mrs. Uterus.

Yay! Gum and something
I'll ask my mom about later.

It's actually a pretty fun party, Mom.

And good job, Dad.
You didn't cry. Are you crying?

Oh, no, that's funny. No, I was...
Your mom stepped on my foot.

I told you, Molly. When one of us
has our first period, we all do.

These cupcakes are really good,

Super yummy.

Thank you.

- Lava Flow!
- Every days like clockwork.

Sorry. It's what I do.

♪ Nature is beautiful,
it goes in cycles just like clockwork ♪

♪ See it blossom
Looking blossomy everywhere ♪

♪ Then once a month you feel like crap ♪

♪ But even worse,
like crappy crap, crap, crap ♪

♪ It's not fair ♪

♪ But it's awfully beautiful ♪

♪ And even though I'm feeling pretty down,
it's nothing to be ashamed about ♪

♪ It's awfully beautiful ♪

♪ I take on every cramp ♪
I push through it like a champ ♪

♪ And baby bird sees Mom,
flying towards her ♪

♪ Looking all concerned ♪

♪ Mom wants to make it better,
but she only makes it worse ♪

♪ Isn't it awfully beautiful? ♪

♪ Awfully beautiful ♪
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