01x07 - B-Movie

[bunniefuu]

McQUEEN: So you're going to give a speech
or a toast or something?

What?
When?

At your sister's wedding?
Come on, we're only a few days away.

Speech?
That makes me kind of nervous.

You know, I ain't much for
getting up in front of folks.

Ah, Mater, I have complete faith
that you can... [GASPS] Huh?

Looky that.

- "Brakelight Pictures"?
- CAR # : Quiet on the set.

- BELLA: Camera rolling.
- [BOTH GASP]

And action!

[ROARING AND SPUTTERING]

[GRUNTING]

- Cut!
- CAR # : Reset! Back to one!

Oh, this is so cool.

Are you...
You're Lightning McQueen, aren't you?

[CHUCKLES]
Yes, I am.

- And this is my friend, Mater...
- Bell! It's Lightning McQueen.

We have got to find a part for him.

Are you serious?
Me?

In a movie?

♪ Hitting the highway, a couple of friends ♪

♪ With new adventures 'round every bend ♪

♪ Whether racing fast or getting towed ♪

♪ We're ever together, cars on the road ♪

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

Whoa-ho!
Look at this.

Oh, oh, Mater, you know who that is,
don't you?

Uh...

McQUEEN: That's legendary
horror director Bella Cadavre.

Oh, yeah.
Of course it is.

Now the thing about her, she insists
on using only practical effects.

You know, real rubber monsters.

There's none of that fakey CGI stuff.

What's CGI?

Well, Mater, that's technical.

It comes out of a computer, somehow.

Lightning McQueen, huh?

Hey, let's cast him as Deputy Hazard.

Ugh. Yes, please.

The kid playing the deputy
is busting my chops.

Go ahead, swap in
the celebrity guest star.

[LAUGHS]
It's going to be great.

Oh, excuse me, I don't want
to take anybody's job.

- Too late. The other guy's out.
- Gone. Dead to us.

- Uh... Okay.
- Go, get 'em, buddy! Ha-ha!

Do I have a script?

Oh, don't worry.
It's one line.

- Huh. One line?
- Les, could you read him the line?

[SIGHS]
Don't look at me.

Okay, uh, but what's the line?

The line is "Don't look at me."

Oh, uh... Well, what if it was
something more like...

The line is "Don't look at me."

Oh, Lightning,
you're doing great. [LAUGHS]

You need to wait outside.

[BELL RINGS]

att*ck of the Space Zombies from Planet B.
Scene Charlie, Take one.

BELLA: Action!

It's like all his innards were
completely gelatinized.

But how?

- Ahem.
- Oh. [STAMMERS]

- Don't LOOK at me.
- BELLA: Ugh! Cut!

"Me." It's "me."
"Don't look at me."

Okay?
All right?

Ah, okay.
Now I got it.

att*ck of the Space Zombies from Planet B.

Scene Charlie, take two.

BELLA: Action.

DON'T look at me.

- Cut!
- Take three.

- Don't look at ME!
- BELLA: Cut!

Take four.

Don't look AT me.

Cut, cut, cut!

Take .

Don't look at me.

Close enough!
Keep rolling.

[SCREAMS]
That's cold! Sorry.

BELLA: Do it again.

- [SCREAMS]
- Again!

- Ugh!
- BELLA: Again!

BELLA: Again!

Can you look more surprised?

[SIGHS WEARILY]

[SLURPING]

[SIGHS]

Aw, it's okay, buddy.

Oh, hey, look.
I'm from planet Zip-Zorp.

- [CHUCKLING]
- [SPUTTERING]

Hmm.
How about that guy?

It's your call.

Listen, I'm willing to try anything.

- Excuse me.
- Uh-oh.

Can you play a lovable, scared
and confused ne'er do well?

- Who, me?
- Are you funny?

You mean funny ha ha, or funny weird?

I think you got this.

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

Are you sure about what you saw?

Whatever it was,
it looked right through me.

Hey, what if it was written more like,

"It was a brain on wheels,
with a mouth full of yellow chompers.

"I mean, what am I going to do,
ask for its ID?"

- [ALL LAUGHING]
- That's better.

Where you been all my life,
Mr. Yuck It Up Tow Truck?

Ooh. Hey. Wow.

So, you seem to really be
giving them what they want.

Seems like it.

MATER: Huh. Let's see here.
Here's a good one.

- Boo!
- [GASPS]

Rawr!

Oh, look, there he is.

We have a new part for you.

The wisecracking scientist.

Oh, thank goodness,
because I was just going to...

Anyone can play that goofy ne'er do well.

This part has some juice.

It needs your special touch.

The lights are
coming from the cemetery tonight.

What do we even know about these things?

You just give me five minutes
with this undead hunk of bad news,

I'll tell you what it had for lunch
last Tuesday.

- [ALL LAUGHING]
- BELLA: I told you this guy's money.

Oh, come on.

BELLA: You're a hidden talent.
Let it blossom!

- Huh?
- BELLA: Look, you can do anything.

What is all this?

Why am I all in blue?

That wacky scientist bit?
[BLOWS RASPBERRY] That's old news.

We need you for the role of the president.

Who, me?
The president?

And we'd like you
to write your own speech.

[SCOFFS]

Whoa, the president.

[TV PLAYING]

[GROANS] Come on.
Why can't I do this?

Why are you so wound up anyway?

I'm trying to think
up my president's speech.

Mater, I got to be honest.

I always thought I'd be the one
who'd be good at this.

What am I missing?

Lightning, you're good at everything.

You've got to leave a few leftovers
for the rest of us.

Besides, you're crushing it
as the scatterbrained deputy.

Yeah. I don't think he's meant
to be scatterbrained.

Ooh.
Sorry.

Hey, look, I've been a jerk.

I'll try to be a better
friend today, all right?

Aw, I never doubted you, buddy.

BOTH: Whoa!

- McQUEEN: What is that?
- Dadgum.

What's going on?
It's all different.

Uh, excuse me.

And you are?

I'm Deputy Hazard.

The soft-spoken lawman
who lives by the code of the badge.

And I'm the President
of the United States.

[CHUCKLES]
Oh, you guys.

Uh-huh.

This show is taking a new direction.
Total rewrite.

Anyway, drop your costumes
over at wardrobe

and, uh, good luck out there.

- [SCOFFS] What?
- Ain't that a kick in the tires.

- [TOOTS] Mater? Lightning!
- Ivy, what are you doing here?

- Ivy! Look at you.
- What about the circus?

Oh, the circus was amazing.

But what are the chances
I get discovered on stage

and cast in a real movie?
Once in a lifetime, right?

Yeah, that never happens.

So, what?
No more zombie horror?

[SCOFFS]
Heard that movie was a trainwreck.

Now it's a musical.

Huh, you don't say.

So, what's with the funny outfits?

- Nothing.
- No reason.

- CAR: And roll playback.
- Ooh. Ooh!

They're ready for me on set.

I got to go.
It was great seeing you guys.

Wish me luck.

And action!

[SINGING] ♪ I'm just a brain on wheels
with a mouthful of chompers ♪

♪ Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp
chompity-chomp chompers ♪

♪ We'll make you swoon
In your cocoon ♪

♪ It's a dancing invasion
Of super amazin' zombie alien cars ♪

♪ Yeah And that's who we are ♪

Well, so go our acting careers.

You know, Mater,
I never got to hear your speech.

- Speech? What speech?
- Your president's speech.

Oh, yeah, well...

- Uh...
- And action.

[CLEARS THROAT]
As your president,

I call upon the cars of the world

to rise up against this
zombie alien invasion

and to squelch this brainy-headed scourge.

Or else, it's only a matter of time
before they blow up the Earth!

McQUEEN: Mater, that was great.

- Is that it?
- sh**t, I'm just getting started.