03x01 - A Kn*fe to Remember Adventure

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

We're broken down at South Road
and Limestone Canyon.

Thank you so much.
Love you, bye.

Dang it. Did I say "I love you"
to a stranger again?

You got to stop
doing that, babe.

That lady from the deli
will not stop calling you.

Yeah, and sometimes, she comes
over if I don't answer.

Well, AAA said they
can't get a tow truck out here

- for at least two hours.
- Ugh, it's so cold in here,

my fingers feel like a pack
of frozen hot dogs.

Oh, no, now I want
to eat my fingers.

Ooh, why don't we wait
in that place over there?

WOLF: Crocodile Rob's?
Yeah, no can do.

That's on Dad's
"Tobins No Go Ins" list.

One of the spots where Mom
used to get black-out drunk

and pull some of her
most notorious fun-anigans.

It's strictly forbidden.

I get it,
your mom is haunting you

like a Julianne Moore performance,

but I'm freezing,
so we're going just this once.

Okay, fine, but I'm warning you,

I bet this place is a total anus.

Yeah, but it looks like
a warm anus

that's probably full
of artichoke dip, so let's roll.

What in God's green Christmas?

- [bird screeches]
- CROCODILE TOM: Australia, mate.

Is it crazy that
I want to get divorced

so we can get remarried here?

Ugh. This must be what
Chris Hemsworth

feels like all the time.

♪ I thought this place
would be dank and heinous ♪

♪ But it's wonderful inside,
it's not an anus ♪

♪ There are boomerangs
on the wall ♪

♪ And a bicycle on the ceiling ♪

♪ What the heck is this
wonderful feeling? ♪

♪ You said it was disgusting,
who could've predicted? ♪

♪ I love it so much,
even though I'm conflicted ♪

[Australian accent]
♪ G'day, mates ♪

♪ Your cabana awaits ♪

♪ Why not shrug off the day ♪

♪ With an 'Appy Family Plate ♪

♪ This way...! ♪

♪ Bloomy-rangs, potato twigs ♪

♪ And mozzy whips ♪

♪ And don't forget ♪

♪ The barramundi fish and chips ♪

♪ Follow me ♪

♪ Can't believe we've been
missing this ♪

- ♪ All of our lives... ♪
- Look, our kanga-rides have arrived.

♪ When you're
at Crocodile Rob's ♪

♪ All your worries fade away ♪

♪ When you're
at Crocodile Rob's ♪

♪ It's summer every day ♪

♪ So, sit on down,
grab a plate ♪

♪ 'Cause when you're
at Crocodile Rob's ♪

♪ It's no wuckas, mate. ♪

Okay, that food
was good as hell.

Should we go home and get our
stuff so we could live here?

Would you two like dessert?

I'd suggest our sundae shaped
like the Sydney Opera House.

♪ We'll take two! ♪

Ha! Oh, and, Crocodile Tom,

is there any way you can
sit down with us for dessert?

Ah, sorry, mate, but, unfortunately,
it's against the rules.

Fair dinkum, Crocodile Tom.
Fair dinkum.

Hello, Londra.

Ooh, what are you
working with there?

- Your fixed blade kershaw?
- You guessed it.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

You know, Beef,
this awkward silence

where you just hum
to yourself reminds me,

I've wanted to talk to you
about... Kn*fe club.

Uh-huh. I'm hosting our second
meeting later this week.

Yeah, and I guess we were all
surprised that you volunteered

to do that because it didn't
seem like you enjoyed yourself

at the first one.
If you want to quit, we will...

What? But I loved Kn*fe club.

Why on earth
would I want to quit?

'Cause you just stood
in a corner for two hours

clutching your Kn*fe
and mumbling to yourself,

and when Golovkin did his
hilarious Kn*fe parody song,

- you barely even smiled.
- "Two Tickets to Pair of Knives"?

- I found that intensely amusing.
- If you're the host,

you're gonna need to make
everyone feel welcome.

Well, I guess I'm just not much
of a small talker,

but I love Kn*fe club
and everyone in it.

Hey, guys, wacky weather
we're having.

- Wacky A.H. As Halibut Cove.
- [laughter]

You never know if you should
bring your umbrella

- or your bikini.
- [laughter]

Uh-oh, here comes trouble.
Hi, Father Dougan.

Hey, Londra, working hard
or hardly working?

She was clearly working hard.

Uh, okay.
I was making a joke.

[chuckles awkwardly] Right.

[forced laugh]

Welp, off I go. Off to the boat.

- Going into town. See you later.
- All right. See y'all later then.

Uh-oh. Did I act weird again?

- A little.
- Darn it. I should've told them

about the severed brown bat wing
I found on my car.

- Everybody loves bat stories.
- Sure, Beef, sure.

BEEF: You two have
barely touched your food.

Are you afraid-o of my alfredo?

I was afraid of my teacher,
Mr. Alfredo.

He used to throw
his dentures at people.

Uh, well, Beef, to be honest,

when the van broke down,
we kind of...

Ate the van jerky,
like, all ten packs of it.

Nothing else. [stammers]
No crikey burgers or anything.

I mean, what even are they?
I never heard of them.

And what is that sauce?

Okay, I got a little lost
in your sauce talk there, son,

but I actually have something
I wanted to ask you all about.

I'm hosting Kn*fe club
here this week.

[imitating Borat] My Kn*fe.
[normal voice] Sorry,

but you know I can't resist that.

And it was brought
to my attention today

that I often look upset
and unapproachable.

Uh-huh, yeah, I mean,
only when you're not talking,

which is a lot. Why are you
suddenly worried about it?

Well, today, Londra
practically uninvited me

to Kn*fe club because she
thought that I didn't enjoy it.

And I think
the root of it is that

I don't really do small talk.

I never thought
about it too much,

but to almost get kicked out

of the coolest new group
in Lone Moose? [shudders]

Well, Dad, if you
don't like idle chitchat,

you just can do what I do
when I'm uncomfortable,

I just check my wooden phone,
like this.

Mm. Russell posted his
"Outfit of the Day." Like.

You can borrow it if you want.

Thanks, Moon, but, actually,
I've been trying to think

of ways to make the next meeting

of the Kn*fe club
more entertaining.

- Here's what I've come up with.
- Dad, that's a board game

I made for my seventh grade
history class.

Though, it is pretty fun.
[chuckles]

If you land on the gazebo,
you die.

What about asking Londra
to give you

a little small talk coaching?
She's a real pro.

Hmm. Yes. I will ask
the small talk master

to take me under her mouth wing.

Okay, yeah, you do need a little
help with how you say things.

Who's calling me?

I don't know anyone
in Ohio. Ignore.

WOLF:
I got so many sick socks today.

I've been looking
for those knee-highs forever.

They're so long,
they're like upside down pants.

And the fries
from Gail's Gravies

are always pretty good,
but it was no you-know-where.

I know, I want to go back, too,

but Dad hates Crocodile Rob's
and that's a Crocodile Prob.

What would your dad do
if he found out?

Well, one time, I told my dad
I wanted to go to a party

at the bowling alley,
which is another one

of the forbidden zones,
and he somehow

crawled into the coffee table.

- That's not possible.
- [chuckles] I know.

Ugh, okay, fine.

I guess we'll just have to live
a boring, gray life

without Crabbie Nugs,
or Naomi Watts Tater Tots.

Or Clam Chuggers,
or Fried Salad Spears.

♪ Oh, I can't seem to get ♪

♪ Crocodile Rob's
out of my head ♪

♪ Got a serious craving
for a Wallaby Wedge ♪

♪ When I'm at Crocodile Rob's,
I never worry about a thing-o ♪

♪ Except Gold Coast Cheese Toast
and Nachos à la dingo ♪

♪ The friendliest waiters,
the prices so fair ♪

♪ And ♪

♪ It's marg o'clock
everywhere... ♪

Welcome back, my best friends.

How about a basket of fries
that never ends?

♪ Just sit right down
and grab a plate ♪

♪ 'Cause when you're
at Crocodile Rob's ♪

♪ It's no wuckas, mate. ♪

Just one more meal
at Crocodile Rob's,

we get it out of our systems,

and then I can kiss
my dad goodnight

- without feeling guilty.
- CROCODILE TOM: Hey, sorry, mates,

you guys look incredibly cool

standing on your seats
like surfboards,

but it is against
restaurant policy.

Sure thing, Tom.
We're no Budgie Smugglers.

Yeah, no, that actually
means "bathing suits."

[laughs] Good "onya."

Wolf, out with it. Why did you
call this emergency meeting?

Do you think that you solved
the chalkboard problem

in Good Will Hunting again?

Because I'm telling you,
I am not losing

- three more hours to that.
- No, although, I am close.

But this isn't about that.
I have super shocking news.

Honeybee and I went
to Crocodile Rob's.

[all gasp]

- Satan's speakeasy?
- The taboo tavern?

Wolf, that place is off-limits,
just like the bowling alley.

And the magic club, Ta-Da's.

- And the owl sanctuary.
- Guys, I know, I know!

And it's worse than you think,
we went twice.

- [all gasp]
- I think we might have a problem.

[gasps] Are you saying you want
us to intervention you guys?

Should we arrange some chairs
in a circle of caring?

An intervention is not necessary.

We're absolutely
never going back again,

and we're gonna tell Dad
that we went,

and let him say something
really brutal like,

[imitating Beef]
"I'm disappointed with you."

Let's get this bloodbath
over with. Where is he?

Oh, he went to go see Londra
to get some small talk lessons

before he hosts
Kn*fe club tonight.

- Dang it.
- So...

what was it like in Crocodile Rob's?

I always pictured a big pit
of crocodiles smoking cigars

and wearing derbies
and, you know,

harassing the croco-waitresses.

Oh, Ham, no. It's like nowhere
you've ever been,

and nowhere you'll ever go,
'cause we can't,

but it's freaking
wonderful inside.

They have lush fake palm trees
everywhere, chugo-dile cups...

Sick place mats with facts
about Australia on them.

A super tall cocktail
called a Daiquiri Doo.

- Mad Max Meatballs...
- There's a stoplight on the wall.

And a bicycle on the ceiling.

♪ It's so hard to describe ♪

♪ This indescribable feeling ♪

♪ Could this really be
the place ♪

♪ Our mom passed out
when she drank? ♪

♪ I thought it'd be
smelly and rank ♪

♪ Oh, how could we
deprive ourselves ♪

♪ Of this for so long? ♪

♪ And why am I not wearing
a beachy sarong? ♪

I hate these pants.

♪ So sit right down
and grab a plate ♪

♪ 'Cause when you're
at Crocodile Rob's ♪

♪ It's no wuckas, mate. ♪

Welcome back, adventurers.

Well, flush me down
the toilet in reverse,

we just can't seem to stay away.

Hiya, Beef. I hear we're in
for a wet one later this week.

I wish I could respond to that
in a fun and carefree manner,

but I can't,
and that's why I'm here.

Londra, take me under your wing.

Teach me how to make the talk
that is small.

Teach me A.H.

Well, right there,
that didn't make any sense.

Gibberish and small talk are two
very different things, Beef.

Yes, and I'd like to learn
that difference

- before the party tonight.
- Before tonight?

Well, then, we've got
a lot of field to plough,

and we're short a few horses.

Now... was that gibberish?

You're asking
the right questions, Beef.

I'll explain in the car.

LONDRA:
The post office is a great place

to watch small talk in action.
Just stand back and learn.

What are you writing
in your notebook there?

Nothing, I was uncomfortable,

so, uh, I made a bunch
of squiggles.

Well, stop writing
and listen to people.

Hey, June.
Can I borrow your pen?

No can do, Jim, but I'll
rent it to you for ten bucks.

- [both laugh]
- You see, Beef,

when making small talk,
it is customary for people

to tease each other
and reject what each other says

- in a playful manner.
- Yes, I have seen this,

but I have never been confident
enough to try it myself.

Okay, here's your chance, Beef.

Uh, excuse me. Could you pass me

one of those packing slips
behind you?

- No.
- Wow. Uh, okay.

I am just kidding.
You know, "small talk."

Hello, there. Uh, hardly
working or workly harding...

- [groans]
- Damn it!

- This weather... right?
- Yeah, if you don't like it,

just wait a minute, it'll change.

- Well, that's not true.
- Beef.

I mean, good one.
Now, I will say one.

Take my wife, please.
J.K., my wife left me.

That was a little better.
We'll keep working on it.

LONDRA: Well, all that practice
being very weird to strangers

at the post office really
paid off. You did great

greeting everyone
when they showed up.

Was it okay that I said,
"Here comes trouble,"

- to all of them?
- Yeah, Beef.

Luckily, no one
showed up at the same time,

so they all felt special.

- There goes trouble.
- [chuckles] Good one, Beef.

I'm looking forward
to the weekend.

It is the weekend.

- Uh-oh.
- Oh. Uh, um...

Then I'm looking forward
to next weekend.

- You know it, pal.
- No more snacks for you, Kyle.

- Oh.
- [chuckles] I'm being humorous.

Eat the snacks.
Oh, the pizza must be here.

I told them we'd cut it
ourselves with our knives,

so get ready for some fun.

All right,
let's go ditch this croc-a-wear

- before the big guy...
- Oh, hello, kids.

[all gasp]

[gasps]

Dad, I know what this looks like,

but there's a really good
explanation.

Okay, is the explanation that
you went to Crocodile Rob's?

Multiple times.
[sobbing] Forgive us.

Crocodile Rob is too powerful.
He's too powerful, Dad.

Dad, you weren't supposed
to find out like this.

Yeah, we had a whole plan.
We were gonna ask you

to sit down,
and Wolf was gonna light

his newest Macho Calm
brand scented candle,

Chamomile Karate Chop.

Look, Dad, yes,
we did go to Rob's,

- but it didn't mean anything.
- Don't say that, Wolf.

Fine, it meant everything.
It's so rad in there.

Look, I know Mom farted up
a lot of places,

and the emotional smell
still lingers,

but Crocodile Rob's
is heaven on Earth.

There, I said it.

It's like if Hugh Jackman
were a bar.

- It's not a hellhole, Dad.
- It's a wonder-hole.

And there is no reason
to avoid it, Beef. It's fun.

You had... fun?

Yeah, Dad, we had fun.
We had a lot of fun.

- Understood.
- Please, Dad, don't leave.

I'm sorry we wanted to eat

Plump Papaya Pistachio
Pudding Ploppers

in a fun and carefree environment.

MOON: It's sad we don't
have a dad anymore,

but at least
I have this squeaky crocodile

that came with my kid's meal.
Maybe he'll raise me.

[squeaks]

[sighs] I mean,
I get why Dad's upset.

It's kind of like
we're all dating him,

and then we cheated with another

middle-aged smokeshow
named Crocodile Rob,

and while we all still love Dad,

we also want to fool around
with Crocodile Rob on the side,

but just in a way
where everyone understands

the rules so no one gets hurt.

Sweetie, you really need to work
on how you talk about your Dad.

I feel bad, but...

I also feel like I want to go to
Crocodile Rob's again sometime.

- Is that wrong?
- No, I'm actually kind of mad.

We could've been going there
our whole lives.

We missed out on so many
good times. [squeaks]

It really makes me wonder
about all these other places

we've stayed away from because
Dad doesn't like going to them.

- They could be great, too.
- Yeah.

I've always wanted to go
to the Vietnamese market

where Dad said Mom fell
into the lobster t*nk,

- and then refused to get out.
- And the Death Cliff aquarium

where Dad said Mom fell
in the starfish t*nk

- and refused to get out.
- I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I guess since
Dad's already mad,

maybe we should just...
get it out of our systems

and go to all
the No-Tobes Zones.

- I guess now's our chance.
- I like going places.

All right then,
let's go and take a stroll

right into the Tobin Shame-hole.

♪ We avoided the bowling alley ♪

♪ Where Mom liked to bowl ♪

♪ 'Cause Dad said
she'd do tequila sh*ts ♪

♪ From all the finger holes ♪

♪ But the bowling alley's
a great place ♪

♪ We no longer have to avoid ♪

♪ 'Cause now it belongs to us ♪

♪ And a creepy guy
named Lloyd... ♪

Guess which one
of my ears is fake.

♪ We've always wanted to go ♪

♪ To the old owl sanctuary ♪

♪ Where Dad said she tried
to ride an owl ♪

♪ After several
Bloody Marys... ♪

She went to the hospital
and then jail.

♪ We never go see magic
at Ta-Da's ♪

♪ It's not 'cause
Dad's a meanie ♪

♪ It's 'cause one night,
when Mom was there ♪

♪ She tried to choke
the Great Wowzini... ♪

To be fair, he did steal
a quarter from behind her ear.

That woman was a freak
for quarters.

We went to all these places,
and nothing bad happened.

I don't know what I thought
would happen.

I always thought
I'd immediately order

a Singapore Sling
and descend into madness.

Guys, she's not here,
and you're not her.

You don't have to feel bad
about the things she did.

- Huh.
- Yeah, it's kind of like...

♪ Mom's shame belongs to her ♪

♪ It doesn't belong to us ♪

♪ It's not our fault ♪

♪ She rode the police horse
through the Toys "R" Us... ♪

She stole me
a Nightlife Elegance Ken,

but I had to return him.

♪ Mom's shame is not ours ♪

♪ Not ours to take on ♪

♪ We probably
would've learned that ♪

♪ If we'd gone to Al-Anon ♪

I told you we should
check it out.

♪ There's one more place
we haven't been ♪

♪ So let's get in the car ♪

♪ Mom's favorite place of all,
Danky's Grill and Bar... ♪

WOMAN: Ah, crap.
My wig's on fire again. [loud music]

Oh, God. Nope.
Mom can have that one.

All right, gather round,

it's time to cut
the Kn*fe club cake.

We can use our own knives
if we take turns.

Remember what happened
last time.

My scar will be a beautiful
reminder that I have friends.

- Wait. Has anyone seen Beef?
- Eh, not for an hour or so.

He's probably just off somewhere
silently clutching his Kn*fe.

Oh, boy.

WOLF: Welp, we reclaimed
Mom's poisoned haunts,

except for Danky's,

of course.
Danky's can burn in hell.

Let's head home,
apologize to Dad again,

and put this ugly chapter
behind us forever.

Wait, what about Crocodile Rob's?

I know we went there
earlier, but, like,

should we reclaim it one more
time, or how are we feeling?

I don't know, guys.

Maybe we should just quit
while we're ahead...

Hello! There they are,
my favorite family.

What a cool van.

Hey, let's go throw some
good times on the barbie.

- [laughs]
- We're right behind you, Tom!

Hey, Beef. Kind of surprised
to see you out here.

You were doing so well in there,
and then you disappeared.

Do you want to tell me
what's going on?

[sighs] I went out front because
I thought the pizza was here,

and when I got outside,
I saw my kids,

and they had been
to Crocodile Rob's,

- and I got upset.
- Why? I love that place.

They have that animatronic koala
that does insult comedy.

He called me a slag
and Dusty a drongo.

- It's so much fun there.
- Yeah, that's kind of the problem.

See, I've always let
the kids believe

that they're not allowed
to go there

because I had bad times
there with their mom,

but, actually,

I had a lot of good times there
with their mom.

The trouble is,
I find good memories

to be more painful
than bad memories.

I feel like
the fun people always leave.

Kathleen, my parents,

the gas station attendant
who invited me to his house

to watch Man on Fire.
He moved back to Sitka.

Oh, sorry about your friend
you watched Man on Fire with.

And I think I avoid small talk
because it leads to big talk,

and that leads to friendship.

Next thing you know,
you're having four kids

with someone who'll leave you.

It feels like the good times
are always ending,

and you never know if there are
gonna be more around the bend.

When I saw the looks
on the kids' faces tonight,

I thought, this isn't just
my problem anymore.

I've been standing in the way
of them enjoying themselves

because of my stupid heart.

Well, then knock it off, Beef.
I mean, put it in perspective.

We're on a planet
in a solar system

in one of two trillion galaxies,

in a universe in a multiverse

that contains an infinite number
of pocket universes,

and, well, if you met
a beautiful lady

who was fun for a while
before she wasn't,

and she gave you
four great kids who love you,

then you're probably doing okay.

So, you better
have fun with us now

while the funnin's good,
you big lump.

- Thank you, Londra.
- All right, Beef,

are you ready to head back in?

I got some brand-new small
talk I could loan you.

Get this, I hear Whippleton
is getting a Del Taco.

That is big news,
but I have an idea

of how to take this gathering
of Kn*fe club to the next level.

It's time to show my painful
good memories who's the boss.

- All right.
- It's me.

- I'm the boss.
- I got that.

WOLF: With a deconstructed
martini hat,

you have to be careful
not to just suck in the gin part

'cause it can burn the jahoobies
out of your mouth.

[slurps, coughs, laughs]
That was straight gin.

Oh, my crikey.

- [all gasp]
- ♪ Well, this place ♪

♪ Hasn't changed a bit ♪

♪ We sat right there ♪

♪ And she always had ♪

♪ Two cigarettes lit... ♪

Or three.
♪ When we first started ♪

♪ Coming here,
there was magic in the air ♪

♪ But then, one night, she
almost strangled a waitress ♪

- ♪ With her underwear... ♪
- Hey, I remember you.

♪ When you first
started coming here ♪

♪ Your wife was
the belle of the ball ♪

♪ But after a few drinks,
she started yelling ♪

♪ "I'll k*ll you all" ♪

♪ You had some fun,
but now it's done ♪

♪ I assume you'll be wanting
a table for one? ♪

Oh, no. I'm actually
meeting some people.

Are you here to formally
disown us, Dad?

I can call the family notary,

and we can get
the paperwork going.

Actually, no. I brought my
Kn*fe club here to,

as they say, "make a YOLO."

[laughs] They definitely
don't say that, Dad,

but welcome to paradise.

Or should we welcome
Crocodile Rob's

to the human version of paradise,

- our dad.
- I thought you hated this place

because of all the bad times
you had here with Mom.

Actually, I avoided it
because me and your mom

had so many good times here,
and, well, that's over.

But we can make new good
memories here, starting tonight.

Oh, Dad, full disclosure, we
also went to the bowling alley,

Ta-Da's, the owl sanctuary,
and Danky's.

- Oh, God, you went to Danky's?
- Oh, don't worry, we didn't go in.

Good, but I'm glad you went
to those other fun places.

It's okay to remember
that there were and are

some very fun things
about your mother.

Like how she put on
that Pinhead mask

whenever we got food delivered.

And if you didn't want to go
to school, she'd be like,

"Sure, that place sucks anyway."

And she could hang off
the bottom of a Jeep

- for hundreds of miles.
- She sure could.

[laughter]

Now, where is that waiter?

I want to order the
Russell Crowe Brussel Bowl.

♪ When you're at
Crocodile Rob's ♪

♪ The good times never end ♪

♪ You can make
wonderful memories ♪

♪ And interesting
new friends... ♪

Like the team from
Harkins Real Estate.

Janet just sold
her first townhouse.

♪ Sure, the past
will always be there ♪

♪ Haunting you to the grave ♪

♪ But when you come
to Crocodile Rob's ♪

♪ You can catch a happy wave ♪

♪ Sit right down
and grab a plate ♪

♪ 'Cause when you're
at Crocodile Rob's ♪

♪ It's no wuckas, mate. ♪

[glasses clink]

♪ In the beginning ♪

- ♪ There was nothing ♪
- ♪ Nothing ♪

♪ But then
the emptiness farted ♪

♪ Farted ♪

♪ Out came the stars
and planets ♪

♪ That's how
everything started ♪

♪ It's a space fart that
keeps on getting bigger ♪

♪ . billion years so far ♪

♪ Our lifespans are a fraction
of that figure ♪

♪ About . % ♪

♪ We're all in this space fart
with each other ♪

♪ So be kind
and call your mother ♪

♪ We're just
a twinkle in space ♪

♪ So why not learn
to play the bass? ♪