05x12 - Archer Vice: Filibuster

[bunniefuu]

[ARCHER MOANING]

LANA: Archer.

ARCHER: Lana?

Lana!

Whoa! Jesus Christ,
chill out, Miggs!

I'm sorry, it's just been
so long. Okay, it's been...

Oh, my God, you're
pregnant again? What?

[CRYING] How long
have I been down here,

left to rot in this
godforsaken hole?

Like, three weeks.

Hmm. Seems so
much longer than that.

So please tell me that's
an entire canard a la presse

with a file in it.

Half a chicken, no
file, just that weird

quasi-cornbread they have here.

Ugh! Why do you even bother?

That's weird, I
was asking myself

the same thing on
the way down here.

And then brought
crappy food anyway?

And then left?

No, no, wait. Come on,
Lana. [STUTTERING] I'm sorry.

But I'm starting to
lose it down here,

you gotta make him let me go.

Make him how?

Well, I hate to even ask, but...

Blow him? Your words.

And then what, Archer, you
want me to blow the whole army?

How is there still an army?

How have the rebels not
wiped them out already?

Because, turns out, he's actually
very good at commanding an army.

CYRIL: And as 3rd and
4th Battalion withdraw,

here comes 1st Armored, and
now the rebels are outflanked.

[LAUGHING] Sir, it's brilliant.

Hmm. A classic pincer movement.

Just like Hannibal at
the Battle of Cannae.

And also Keith in
my Warhammer guild.

So get used to that
weird cornbread,

'cause you might be
down here... [YELPS]

Lana, I need a woman's touch.

[GROANING]

I'm sorry, Lana. I said a woman,

not a stevedore who lost his
hand in a stevedoring accident

and then got a hand
transplant from an actual bear.

So did you wanna just do it
right through the bars, or...

I mean, we do.

And sometimes, they do.

Hello.

[STUTTERING] So in three weeks,

you go from you're
going to execute Archer

to now you guys
are swinger pals?

Well, I wouldn't say "pals."

Oh, wow.

Not what you said yesterday.

Oh, come on, that
was the pruno talking.

Well, I hate to break up
this delightful menage,

but Presidente Cyril
wants her back upstairs.

Wait, what? What?

Why? Guess.

Ah! Mmm.

Ow! Oh, wait, wait, wait.

What? What?

Archer, do you want
me to move over one?

Eh...

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

CYRIL: Ah, Madam First Lady.

So good of you to join me.

It's not as if I had
a choice. Well...

Nor am I still the first lady.

Well, maybe not technically,

since your husband divorced you

and then was immediately
deposed, by me.

But the situation
is, as they say, fluid.

Ugh! I brought
her, can I go now?

Yes, for the love
of God, get out.

I meant home.

PAM: [CHUCKLING]
What are you, nuts?

Cap'n Crunch here just took all
the coca fields back from the rebels.

We're sitting on
an endless supply.

Of what? Coca leaf smoothies?

Oh, my God, that's
a coca leaf smoothie.

And they're gross. It basically
tastes like a fart of itself.

But it's better than
the cocaine donuts

and whipped cocaine
she was eating.

[BELCHES] 'Cause
that's just empty calories.

Well, and cocaine.

Which, if I'm being
totally honest,

I maybe might
have a problem with.

No.

And Lana, the rebels
still control the airport.

It's their HQ, so unless you
want to walk, you can't go home.

And why on earth
would you want to?

[SIGHS] Why bother going back?

The U.S. government
stole your livelihood,

forced you to become a criminal.

And I hate to say
it, but it's not like

you have a man waiting for you.

I... you know...

Whereas here, we
have everything we need.

It's like San Marcos
has been waiting

thousands of years
for us to arrive.

Lana, this could
be our... Don't.

Zion, yes. There, I said it.

[BELCHES]

Wait, they got weed here, too?

That's not what the
song's about! Told you.

But I just this second realized

why you want to stay down here.

Cyril's just the Vader
to your Palpatine.

Is that a reference I
should get, or... Seriously?

Well, I'm sorry, Lana, I
didn't go to rabbinical school.

It's from... No, you
know what? Never mind.

But, spoiler alert, Vader
ends up k*lling Palpatine.

Hey. But only for
three days, right?

And then he moves the rock

and comes out of his
cave stronger than ever.

Then he shuts off
the tractor beam,

releasing the
Jews from captivity.

What? Hey.

Wait, yes, now
that sounds familiar.

It cannot possibly.

Gospel of Luke? Hey.

Ray, you used to be a preacher,

you wanna back me up here?

I actually don't know,

my church didn't really
do the New Testament.

The one with Jesus Christ in it.

I mean, I take your
word for it, but...

Hey! Will you idiots get out?

I'm trying to talk
to the first lady.

Of what, this country,
or country music?

'Cause I'm first lady of both!

No, you're not. Outlaw country!

[CELL DOOR SLAMS]

[SIGHING]

Oh, my God, my beautiful
and also multi-talented wife.

You are here.

I know, right?
It's like, finally.

As in, this is a good thing?

Duh! I'm finally gonna get the
outlaw country cred I deserve.

Oh, my God, you've
always deserved it.

Wait, how does being in jail...

Paging Doctor Black!
Doctor Man In Black!

Johnny Cash was in Folsom
Prison and San Quentin, so...

Yeah, to visit.

Hmm?

He just played for
the prisoners, dummy,

he wasn't actually in prison.

But don't worry, we're gonna get
out of here and go join the rebels.

Yes. Then you and
I, my beautiful wife,

will live a simple
life in the hills,

scratching sh*t food like yams out
of the ground with a yam scratcher.

Okay A, start counting
backwards from a million years,

and when you get to
zero, that still won't happen.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Aw.

And B, how...[SIGHS]
How do we get out of here?

Well, we're still
fine-tuning it, but...

We have no plan whatsoever.

Okay good, because I didn't
wanna step on anybody's toes, but...

Byoink!

What? Where did you get that?

Let's just say I
honestly don't know.

Fair enough.

Cyril says the rebel
headquarters are...

Wait, is it "are" or is it "is"?

It's where, idiot!

The airport! Jesus!

And you, sir, will keep a
civil tongue in your head

when you are
addressing the first lady

of the government-in-exile of
La Republica de San Marcos.

And also country music.

I facetiously beg
milady's pardon.

Oh! Milady
facetiously grants it.

Oh, goody.

Now let's steal a
car, go join the rebels,

then come back here and
crush Cyril's stupid army.

You make it sound so easy.

[CHUCKLES] Well, it's Cyril.

Unless he's got a nuclear
warhead in his pants...

Which he totally does.

KRIEGER: Which... Guys,
can we talk about this?

The time for talk is
kaput, Klon-Bruder.

Now is the time for action.

Clone bone!

And by that I mean
his, you know...

Yeah, we... Let me finish!

Penis.

No, you ruined it.

And by it, I meant the
moment. Not his penis.

I... Penis.

ARCHER: Will you shut
up? I know what I'm doing.

CALDERON: Yes, but
don't do what you are doing.

[CALDERON YELPS]

[ARCHER CHUCKLING]

Are you crazy? This car is worth

one quarter of
one million dollars.

Well, was.

And did you ever think maybe
your fleet of priceless cars

is the reason you're
fighting off a rebellion?

I'm fighting the rebels
because that is what we do.

My father fought the rebels,
his father fought the rebels.

So like a family business.

That manufactures oppression.

Well, and cocaine.
In fact... Stop!

[SCREAMS] [BRAKES SCREECHING]

What? That.

[GASPS]

CHERYL: If you
think we have time.

[TIGER ROARING]

Is there a tiger?

Of course there is a tiger. Where
do you think you are, Tegucigalpa?

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

And so, by the power
self-vested in me,

I now pronounce us man and wife,

and I may also kiss the bride.

[MOANING]

[CHEERING]

Ugh! Second worst wedding ever.

Yeah, but at least nobody d*ed.

[LAUGHING] Yet!

[CLEARS THROAT] Inappropes.

What is wrong with you?

I'm trying to make that
a thing people say, like,

"Damn, dawg, that's inappropes!"

Plus, I think I'm
addicted to cocaine.

Well, but look
on the bright side.

With any luck at
all, it will save me

the trouble of
k*lling you myself.

Damn, dawg.

Inappropes.

[CHEERING]

[CHEERING]

[ROARING]

They should've sent a poet.

Oh, and some meat,
do we have any meat?

[ELEPHANT TRUMPETING]

[SCOFFS] Literally tons.

No, I didn't mean
another animal.

I meant a steak or some...

Typical American. You think
meat comes from the supermercado,

all wrapped in a
nice plastic wrap.

Yeah, you're describing meat.

No, no, no. Meat is blood,
and bones, and sinew.

Well, now you're
describing not-meat.

Meat is whatever
the tiger says is meat,

because God made him the boss

and all the other
animals his food.

Hang on, buddy.

And thank you, George Bore-well,

for that clunky analogy in
defense of totalitarianism,

but I'm not feeding
Shane an elephant.

Who the hell is... [GASPS]

Oh, my God, he's
totally a Shane.

So let me bounce
this off you guys.

What say we don't launch this
giant nerve gas m*ssile at, uh...

Where did you say
you were launching it?

Wouldn't you like to know.

[LAUGHING]

I would, actually.

Come on, you guys
are acting a little insane.

Do you know what's insane?

Yeah, this. All
of it, everything.

The rocket, I'm not really
comfortable with the clone bone.

You're not doing it right.

Now move, so I can
begin the launch sequence.

Over my dead...

Body. Man, that was a jinx, huh?

[g*n COCKS] No, no, wait, wait!

ARCHER: Hang on!

As amazing as it would be,
we can't take Shane with us.

Yeah, we can, watch.

No, no, no! No, no, no!

Don't!

Okay, okay, okay.

Carol, listen to
me very closely.

Why, you gonna walk me through
your organic method of vaginal hygiene?

My what? You're a
bigger p*ssy than Shane.

Come here, boy.
[CLICKING TONGUE]

[ROARS] [ALL GASPING]

Shane!

[CALDERON SCREAMING]
[FLESH TEARING]

Do something!

Like what?

KRIEGER CLONE: Get him!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

We're coming, brother!

[YELLING]

[SCREAMING]
KRIEGER CLONE: Brother!

You bastard.

Brother, the launch sequence.

No!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Don't stop!

Almost there.

Oh, come on.

Shut up.

[BEEPS] ROBOTIC FEMALE
VOICE: Launch sequence initiated.

No!

[THUDS]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[CHOKES]

Ha-ha! It doesn't
work with a bow...

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[THUDS]

ARCHER: Shane!

Shane! Shane!

[TIGER GROWLS] [SCREAMS]

[BONE CRACKING]

Shane? [GROWLS]

[SOFT GROWL]

Well, we should've guessed that
was gonna happen. [CHUCKLES]

Uh...

We should've?

Well, or at least could've.

I mean...

Yeah, [STUTTERS] I guess a
leopard can't change his spots.

Uh... I don't know that
much about leopards.

That was actually a proverb.

That was actually a tiger.

ROBOTIC FEMALE VOICE:
Minutes to launch, 180. Huh.

That is a lot longer
than I thought it would be.

[ENGINE ROARS]

ARCHER: Okay, when
we get to rebel HQ,

they might be
aggressive at first...

They wouldn't if we
had a damn tiger.

[SIGHS]

No. We're not going back.

Unless...

No.

[GASPS] What if...
He had his chance!

JULIANA: A what?
CYRIL: A charivari.

Also called a shivaree.

It's that thing where
everybody bangs pots and pans

outside our room
as we consummate?

[CHUCKLES] Oh...

No. We're not doing
that. [LANA LAUGHS]

Ow! Ray, my feet
are already k*lling me.

Sorry.

He's probably not
used to leading.

You, on the other
hand, lead away.

Mind if I cut in?

Yes! No.

Screw you guys. Hey, Krieger!

What the hell is going on?

Cyril's the new dictator.

President. Shut up.

And he just married Crazy
Tits, and I need a dance partner.

So nobody noticed that I've
been missing for three weeks?

[INDISTINCT MURMURING]

We figured the vampires ate you.

Wait, what? The what?

[GROANS] They're not
vampires, they're my clones.

Or I'm their clone, or...

Oh, please, you and
your clone nonsense,

it's all a bunch of...

LANA: Holy sh*t!

Why was I not
informed of this, Krieger?

[LAUGHS] If he even is
Krieger. ALL: Huh? What?

The real Krieger
could be down there.

Oh, for... That is just...

I won't even dignify that
with a response. Um...

Uh...[SNAPS FINGERS]

Pam? Pam!

Uh-huh.

I've got a concussion.

And this regular
tie means nothing.

I don't like bow
ties, so I switched.

Well, you certainly
sound concussed.

He sounds like a vampire.

I say we tie him up and
let the sun sort it out.

You need to hush.

FEMALE ROBOT:
Minutes to launch, 150.

What? What was that?

Tell me that robot's
not talking about

launching this rocket, Krieger.

Or should we say
Count Krieg... Ow! Ow!

Ah! Cut it out! Ow!

God damn it! Ow!

Thank you. Vampire lovers.

Yeah, so, here's the thing.

ARCHER: This is it,
rebel headquarters.

Now remember,
let me do the talking.

Got it. I'm serious.

I got it. Look at me.

I got it! Jesus!

Okay. Then here we go.

[REBELS YELLING IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKING SPANISH] Ow!

God damn it! You
said you'd let me

do the...[GROANS] [THUDS]

[CHERYL LAUGHS]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

CHERYL: Aw...

MALORY: So...

You're saying
this gigantic rocket

is not only full of
deadly nerve gas,

but also aimed God knows where?

Well, that statement presupposes
the existence of God, but...

Krieger, I am about
two seconds away

from telling Pam to
get a wooden stake.

Yay!

I'm not a vampire!

Doesn't matter to the stake.

Then, yes. It's
full of nerve gas,

and I don't know
where it's aimed.

What? What's the
range on this thing?

I don't know, 2,000 miles?

[GASPS] How far away

is the Upper East Side?

I don't know, 1,980-something
miles? [SCREAMS]

Okay, this is a presidential
order from the president.

Shut it down. I can't.

Can't? Or won't?

Can't! Oh.

I didn't hear you.

Ray, can you override
the launch sequence?

Um... [KEYBOARD CLACKING]

[BEEPING] ROBOTIC FEMALE
VOICE: Launch sequence accelerated.

No. [ALL COMPLAINING]

FEMALE ROBOT:
Minutes to launch, 90.

Cyril. Uh...

It's actually Senor
Presidente, but... Shh!

Hush.

Now I know you've had
a fun time as dictator,

and we all enjoyed
this little break from him.

But Cyril,

and if you tell him I said this,

I'll break your friggin' arms,

it's... Ugh...

Archer time.

Wha...

All right.

Krieger, I assume
the whatever...

Doppelkriegers.

I assume they had a lab.

So take Ray and see
if you can find some

info on how to shut
this damn thing down.

We'll go get Archer.

Ooh, and Cherlene!

Ooh. And no.

Because she isn't here.

Argh! Damn it, Archer! Damn you!

He can't even let
me pretend to be

magnanimous while
inwardly gloating.

Oh, shut up. What
does the note say?

"Hey Cyril! You can suck it,

because we have
gone to join the rebels.

"Yes. At the airport. No, not
the airport. Somewhere else."

So, airport?

But the note says
not... [MUFFLED]

Well, I guess that settles that.

It's not like we can just waltz

into enemy territory and...

Well, I certainly can't.

Can't, or... Both, either, all.

They'd sh**t me on sight, Lana.

And if you want Archer so damn
bad, you can go get him your...

[ENGINE REVS]

CYRIL: Huh.

I didn't think
she'd actually do it.

Then you're an idiot.

Oh, I'm the idiot?

Yes.

Ugh. What the...

Holly? Archer?

Rando? Slater?

Who the hell is Rando? Him.

That's Sterling Archer.

[CHERYL CLEARS THROAT]

And I am Cherlene.

The Queen of Outlaw Country.

What the hell are
you doing here?

What the hell are
you doing here?

I could ask you
the same question.

I am asking you
the same question.

We came to join the rebels.

What? What's the FBI
doing in San Marcos?

With a cocaine smuggler.

[GROANS] I'm not
FBI, and he's not a...

Well, technically I am, but...

We're both CIA.

What?

[WHISPERS] C-I-A.

And we're also the rebels.

And you are in a mundo of caca.

LANA: Okay! Listen, stop!

Listen to me!

Lana? Holly?

What's the FBI doing...

These dickheads aren't
FBI, Lana, they're CIA!

And also the rebels.

Huh.

Thought that would
get more of a reaction.

Yeah, no, that
is, um, news. Uh...

But my water just broke. So...