05x13 - Archer Vice: Arrival/Departure

[bunniefuu]

ARCHER: What do you
mean your water broke?

What do you mean what do I mean,
I mean that! I'm going into labor!

Wait, what? I'm having a baby?

Gross! But it's
early, is that early?

Like 10 days, but... But
that's bad, is that bad?

Archer, none of this is ideal!

HOLLY: Hey! BOTH: What!

What the hell are you people
doing in San Marcos in the first place?

Selling weapons to Calderon!

That we got from him!

What? What.

What "what," you didn't think that
was something I'd like to know about?

I'm positive we
talked about this.

No, we didn't! 100% positive.

When? When did
we talk about this?

80% positive.

Wait a minute, if the CIA is
backing the rebels against Calder...

[GROANING]

Lana! Was that a contraction?

Yep. [GROANING]
God. I hope so. Yep.

Time! Start a clock, assholes!

Okay... Mark!

Twain! No, that's barges!

Shut up, but, hey,
speaking of time...

What's your Bishop score?

How should I... Wait, how do you
even know what a Bishop score is?

I got certified as a doula.

Which, turns out,
is not that hard.

Shut up, does the CIA know Calderon
has a nerve gas m*ssile at the palace?

What the... We didn't
give him gas! Cool!

Well he's got it, and we can't
override the launch sequence, so...

Get that idiot,
Calderon, on the phone!

Oh, did I mention
a tiger ate him?

Wait, what? CHERYL:
Well not ate, ate...

Well, no, but by now...

Jesus God. Okay, Slater, I know it's
a little sooner than we wanted, but...

Operation Dropkick, roger that.

What's Operation Dropkick?

Well, the endgame has always
been for us to inv*de San Marcos, so...

Hey, Donna, we got a
carrier group in the Gulf, right?

Wait, if you were going
to inv*de San Marcos

then why have you been
selling weapons to Calderon?

So he could fight the
rebels. Which is you.

Well, technically, they're mercenaries
from Honduras and Guatemala, but, yes.

Okay, so am I just stupid, or...

Duh. Pregnant.

Yeah, airstrike, naval bombardment,
amphibious landing, whole megillah.

Calderon needed weapons to fight
the rebels, but he didn't have money to

buy weapons, he only had cocaine, but
Iran was like "No way, cash only," so...

BOTH: Iran? Ooh, sorry!

Iraq. Wait, no, Iran. Doesn't matter
who. Anyway, to buy the weapons,

we needed to...
Monetize the cocaine.

[GASPING] Oh, my God...
[CHUCKLING] Join the club.

We've been trying to
monetize cocaine for like...

I mean... You even came
to the house, where we...

We've been selling cocaine for the
CIA so they could buy arms from Iran?

Did we at least
free some hostages?

No, this was about
our annual budget.

BOTH: What? If we
don't spend it this year...

We can't get an
increase next year.

You son of a...

Oh, come on,
Archer, drop the act!

He was in on it from day one.

What? What?

[GROWLING] [CHOKING]

Lana!

[SQUEALING]

[CHOKING CONTINUES]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

LANA: You lying son of a bitch!

[CHOKING] Lana... You
knew about this the entire time?

[SQUEALING]

Hey, do you mind? I'm trying
to call in an airstrike here.

Ooh, hey, what's
our ride situation?

Hang on. Thanks, doll.

Airstrike on the palace is a go,
and I suggest we take Calderon's jet.

Good, yeah, we
need plenty of room.

Until we dump
them at a black site.

[CHOKING CONTINUES]

C'mon, even if you people
hadn't lost 50 million bucks'

worth of our cocaine,
you know way too much.

Uh, I don't know anything!

I believe that to
be literally true.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[GRUNTING]

Whoa! Whoa! Okay! Come
on! We give up, don't sh**t!

[EXHALING]

Now, then. Let's get
this baby outta me.

Gross! Will you sh...

[GROANING LOUDLY]

[HOARSELY] Time?
[ENTHUSIASTICALLY] Nine minutes!

What? This is exciting.

KRIEGER: Right? COMPUTER:
Minutes to launch, 60.

Yeah, Krieger, I guess trying to
defuse a warhead tipped with deadly

nerve gas is
technically exciting.

Yeah, right?

What is wrong with
you? Nothin', Roy.

Or Ray.

Eh.

Doesn't matter who.
CYRIL: [ON PA] Krieger!

CYRIL: Where are we on
the m*ssile? KRIEGER: Uh...

Kinda just like... On it.

Oh! Do you mean where are
we in the process of disarming it?

[SLAPPING] Ooh! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Cut it out!
Ow! [SIGHING] Okay.

What happened? Did it explode?

Uh, no, I think we
would've heard it.

Well, it's just a matter of time before
it does, with those idiots working on it!

We need to leave!

Well A, I'm President-for-Life,
so... [CHUCKLING]

I'm not going anywhere, and B...

Senor Presidente, our radar station
has detected incoming bombers!

From their heading
they appear... American!

[GASPING] [CLEARING THROAT]

And B... And I hate
to tell you this...

But the First Lady and
I are having an affair.

[SNIFFLING]

Damn, dog. That was my B.

[SIGHING] It's over, Cyril!

It's over!

Nothing is over! Nothing! You
don't just turn it off! It wasn't my w*r!

You asked me, I didn't ask you!

And I did what I
had to do to win!

But somebody
wouldn't let us win!

Yes, and that somebody is a US
Navy carrier group, so let's go already!

[SNIFFLING]

Okay, but I'm taking these.

[CHUCKLING] We're taking everything!
Furs, jewels, the silverware, bullion...

Anything you can
cram in a suitcase!

Wouldn't bullion
leak out of a...

[SLAPPING] Ow! Ow!
Cut it... Ow! God damn it!

I... Ow!

Gold bullion, you idiot!

I don't know what that is!

And I don't know who you think you
are! You are not robbing my palace!

Oh, yes, we are, and if you've got
any sense you'll fill your pockets, too!

Because your regime
is officially over.

And I've seen coups from Angola
to Zanzibar, and this is how it ends.

In the trunk of a taxi to the airport,
your belly full of diamonds and vodka

praying your driver doesn't rat you
out to the Reds at the last checkpoint.

Because then the last thing you'll
ever hear, besides a p*stol cocking

behind your head,
is Ivan's laugh...

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

What in the name
of God is funny?

You said you've seen cooze.

Appropes.

[MUNCHING LOUDLY]

[SOLDIERS SPEAKING SPANISH]

Aw... All the gardeners
are running away.

Because this entire country's about
to be up to its tits in US Marines!

And unless you people wanna wind
up classified as enemy combatants...

ARCHER: Six minutes!

Doing great, buddy. Gotta
remember to breathe, though, that's...

[SHOUTING] Get out,
you lying sack of bastard.

Okay, A! He and Mother
are the lying sacks of bastard!

I didn't know it was the
CIA's cocaine! And B...

Seriously, buddy, let's try
and work on that breathing.

What's wrong with her?

She's having a baby!

Gross.

[SLURPING]

[SWALLOWING]

[BREATHING RAPIDLY]

Doing good, buddy!
[GROWLING] Archer!

If you call me "buddy" again, I will
put the b*ll*ts in your body by hand.

Shh... And we're breathing...

[BOTH INHALING] [BOTH EXHALING]

There we go. Okay, Carol!

[SLURPING] What?

Jesus! What is your problem?

Morphine, want, find, give!

Shh. C'mon, Lana, you
don't need that. [GASPING]

How dare you tell
me what I... Shut up.

Okay, Carol, I need you to look
down there and gimme a sit-rep.

Down where? There,
down there, at her...

Ew! No! You do it!

I'll do it! ARCHER: Shut up!

I can't look down there, because
there's, like, a 100% chance

that at some point in the future
we're going to have sex, so...

Who? Shh.

So just look down there and...

I'm not looking at
her g*dd*mn va...

Joinks! Well, you
don't need to shave.

[CHUCKLING]

That thing is "smoove."
[ANGRILY] I... [CALMLY] Thank you.

And also kinda mauve.

[SIGHING] Okay.

I'd say more of a
mauve-taupe? Ow!

[LANA GROANING LOUDLY]

Breathe, bu... Breathe, friend.

Because... Wow. Okay...

COMPUTER: Minutes to launch...

Six. [SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING FADES]

Where the...

[SCREAMING INTENSIFIES]

[SCREAMING STOPS]

Okay, I have some
thoughts on this.

Really? Yes.

[YELLING] Which are?

Oh! Okay, so, I don't think
we can disarm this thing.

Really? Yes.

Oh! Okay, so, it doesn't
have an expl*sive payload,

so it's basically just
a flying trash can.

The only dangerous
part is the nerve gas.

I'm listening...

CO-PILOT: [ON HEADSET]
Roger that, flight deck...

Um...

PILOT: Range 150,
ETA, 12 minutes.

Hey, is your dad
still big into tapas?

My what? Oh, no,
that wasn't my dad.

Well, who was it?

Doesn't matter who.

PAM: Because
these trunks feel light!

Do you swear they're full of
cocaine? As God is my witness!

God hates you. Open 'em up.

[HONKING LOUDLY]

Would you two come on?

On what? Ugh.

Do you hear that?

[GASPING] If we get out of here alive
I'll buy you all new cocaine! And a pony!

You heard her, Cyril,
that is legally binding!

CYRIL: Yeah, we'll
stop at a notary.

MALORY: There's no time!

SLATER: Hey, hi, do
you people hear that?

After the airstrike
on the palace

you won't able to swing a dead cat
around here without hitting a Marine.

Plus, if you did, I bet they'd smash
your teeth down your stupid throat.

Okay. [BREATHING RAPIDLY]

Lana, I need to
borrow your w*apon...

No! I will see
you in hell first!

I... Okay, Carol, grab that one.

Private Me, reporting for
sploosh. ARCHER: Ugh.

Take Tweedledick and Tweedleballs,
go get the jet ready for takeoff...

[f*ring REPEATEDLY]
Outlaw country!

Let me finish! What?

And make sure they don't escape.

Oh, my God, good thing
you added that last part.

You heard the doula! Move it!

And get me some
frickin' morphine!

Lana, c'mon, what kind of doula
would I be if I let you have mor...

[g*n CLICKING] Wha...

[GROANING LOUDLY]

Wow! And some a*mo!

[LAUGHING]

You were really gonna
sh**t me in the face...

[SNIFFLING] Is
that so much to ask?

CO-PILOT: Uncle.
Uh... Friend of the family.

Dude. Drop it.

We should get to
the shelter soon.

You coward. [GLASS BREAKING]

But, wha...

I've never loved you.

[SIGHING] Okay.

CYRIL: But what if the
rebels recognize me?

If... Yeah!

And then drag him out of the car
and kneel him down and sh**t him

in the back of the head and string
him up on a lamppost like Mussolini!

[PAM MUNCHING]
[NERVOUSLY] Yeah, what then?

That's a chance
I'm willing to take.

Me too.

[MUNCHING CONTINUES]

Cyril, look out! Cyril!

[BRAKES SCREECHING]
[BOTH YELLING]

[ALL YELLING]

[SCREECHING]

Hi, guys!

What the hell are you
idiots... [LOUD EXPLODING]

Oh, come on, we couldn't
leave it in the rocket...

[CAR ROCKING] [ALL GASPING]

KRIEGER: And we couldn't
just leave it lying in the road...

C'mon, you don't want a thing
like that falling into the wrong hands.

"The only thing necessary for evil to
triumph is that good men do nothing."

Said the clone of Adolf h*tler.

Well, Edmund Burke, but...

Doesn't matter who.

PILOT: Dude! Drop it!

I'm not gonna judge you!

The ordnance, Mike.
Drop the ordnance.

[CHUCKLING] Oh. Duh.

PILOT: [SIGHING] Idiot.

MALORY: Cyril, for
God's sake, be careful!

CYRIL: Would you
shut up? I know how to...

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Idiot. [LOUD GROANING]

Uh... What the...

MALORY: Lana?

[GROANING CONTINUES]

Archer! What are you doing?

I'm trying to get the
stupid angle right, Lana!

So you can look in the mirror,
and see if you're crowning!

What? MALORY:
For the love of Christ!

Mother, hey, go over
there and tell me if you can...

Get! Out! And, Pam, get in here!

No. No... Shh.

Everything's all right. Here.

All right, now,
Pam, I want you to...

You know how many times I've
helped a cow give birth in the barn?

Plus one time my sister, Edie?

Well, she couldn't
have it in the house...

Long story. A
long, r*cist story.

I had black guy,
what'd y'all have?

Ugh, I wasn't in the
sperm donor pool!

Wait, are we still doing
phrasing? KRIEGER: Huh.

Should I be in there? I feel like
I should. I mean, I am a doctor...

No, you're not. No, you're not.

Well, no, but...
A student of life.

[LOUD BANGING]

What the... What now?

[BANGING CONTINUES] I
have cigarettes if you want 'em!

No, Ray, I just feel
like smashing stuff.

[BANGING] Jesus, I
feel so helpless out here!

What if something goes wrong?
What if there's a birth defect or...

[GROANING]

No, no, no, stop, no, what if
there aren't enough hands and feet?

Shh, it's going to
be... Oh, my God!

What if there're too many
hands and feet? Is that worse or...

Hey! I have the correct number of
hands, but they're currently kinda

full and you need
a slappin', so...

Wait... [GASPING]

Oh, please. Like you're the only one
who ever had a baby in a w*r zone.

Ya know... Okay, okay, okay.

Get some hay ready to
dry this little bastard off

because now you are gonna push!

[GRUNTING]

No, no, no, no,
no, what if we...

Ow!

You old bitch! Now move that
big, fat, smelly ass, you hear?

A Day No Pigs
Would Die? Anybody?

Not a big Robert
Newton Peck crowd, huh?

Who is... Oh, shut up, now push!

[GRUNTING]

Lana!

Hey, hey, c'mon,
they've got this.

[BABY COOING] [BOTH GASPING]

[LAUGHING]

Well! It's a girl!

ALL: Aww.

And whoever had
black guy, pay up.

Oh, sh*t. God damn it!

Yep. Got ourselves
a little quadroon.

MALLORY: [SIGHING]
You did good, kiddo.

Mmm. Yeah...

Oh. And, uh... I quit.

What? Why?

Because you lying to me I can
handle. I'm used to that, but...

[SIGHING] Not Archer.

Oh, for... He didn't know that I
made a deal to sell cocaine for the CIA.

Pff. Whatever.

Lana Kane. You have
known me for a long, long time.

When have I ever been
honest with Sterling?

Huh.

Exactly. Now, if you
two will excuse me,

I need to go thr*aten and/or
bribe some federal agents.

Well at least put
a seatbelt on it!

ARCHER: See? What'd I tell you!

KRIEGER: I thought it was
just for takeoff and landing!

Jesus Christ...

So, how's she doing?

She's fine. I told her you didn't
know anything about the CIA deal.

Well, thanks for telling the truth,
Mother, sure that was hard for you.

You keep it up, mister, and I'll
walk right back in there and tell

her the whole
thing was your idea!

Did you guys hear that?

ALL: No.

ARCHER: Dicks.

All right, Holly, this is my
offer and it is non-negotiable...

[GASPING] You think
she's buyin' more coke?

Ugh! You and your
stupid, stupid cocaine!

Can't you give her a
brain chip? A what?

A brain chip? Like you gave Cherlene
so she could become a country singer?

[LAUGHING] No,
that wasn't a brain chip.

It was just the sticker off the
backpack of a little LEGO spaceman.

What? A LEGO sticker?

Woah. So my whole life all I ever
had to do was believe in myself?

And inject a sticker
into my brain?

HOLLY: Are you out of your mind?

Are you? Showing up at the mansion,
pretending to search for the cocaine?

While planting the seed in your idiot
son's brain about selling it overseas.

Which I could have handled if
the CIA had kept its fat nose out!

And yet here we are, with a
$50 million hole in our account!

There's 40 of it. An original Ivan
Blitko we stole from Calderon.

What am I supposed
to do with that?

Gosh, I don't know, what am I supposed
to do with a canister of nerve gas?

No, uh-uh, that is
now CIA property.

Ooh, and won't that
be a feather in your cap.

They might even
make you director.

Hmm.

Or at least deputy ops...

Which, and I'm just spitballing
here, would mean you could outsource

a good deal of
business to a private firm.

Like !sis.

So, you lose us $50 million and
you wanna get on the CIA payroll?

Right after you
renovate my offices.

Ha! You really are
out of your mind!

Or right after I take this deal
to your partner in the cockpit...

So... what's your deal?

What's my deal?

[SIGHING]

Never mind.

Because you suddenly
decided to take up skydiving.

[g*n COCKING]

I think we may have a deal here.

[KNOCKING] Knock-knock?

Who's there?

sh*t, I had something for this.

[SIGHING] Come
see the baby, stupid.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

[SIGHING] Yeah.

ARCHER: I had black guy.

Yeah... So, about that...

I don't think it's r*cist,
it's just... Archer, shut up.

[CHUCKLING] You shut up. Archer.

[CLEARING THROAT]

Okay, so, remember
when you had cancer?

[CHUCKLING] Um, uh,
vaguely. [SIGHING] Okay.

Well, we all thought you were gonna
die, and one night you got really drunk

and we almost had sex, and right
before you passed out you told me

Malory had convinced
you to freeze

a bunch of your sperm
at Dr. Feldman's office

and I was, like, "Huh.
Weird," and then you didn't die

and then a few years went by, and I
starting thinking about having a baby

but I was single, and all the other
stuff aside, physically you're an amazing

[VOICE FADING] human being,
and all the other, other stuff aside

I do actually love you...

And so here's this viable sample
just sitting there at Dr. Feldman's

whose security system is a joke,
by the way, and so, I guess it maybe

[BARELY AUDIBLE] wasn't the most ethical
thing I've ever done in my entire life, but...

[HIGH-PITCHED DRONING]

Archer? Archer. Archer!

What's that? Wait,
wait. Huh? What?

You okay?

[EXHALING] Yeah, sorry, for a second I
thought I was just now coming out of a coma

from when I drowned saving
your life eight months ago.

Lana? Am I just now coming
out of a coma from when I drowned

saving your life
eight months ago?

No.

Lana? Am I just now coming
out of a coma from when I drowned

saving your life
eight months ago?

No. Then what are you...

Baby, what is she
saying? Baby? Baby. Baby!

[WHEEZING] [STAMMERING]

Sterling Archer, I'd like
you to meet your daughter...

Abbiejean.