03x01 - harry potter

[bunniefuu]

[PERSON SPEAKING ARABIC]

MO: You're marrying Zainab
today, all right?

It's happening.

I just started having some thoughts

about somebody else.

Did you act on 'em?

RAMY: I feel guilty about something that

I'm now realizing maybe...

Maybe I should've told you.

- Amani, your cousin?
- Yeah.

Amani, who is in our wedding photos?

Well, yeah, she's... She's family.

You broke my baby girl's heart.

I was just trying to tell her the truth.

f*ck you, Ramy!

You hurt people!

[ENGINE TURNING OVER]

DR. WAKIM: Socrates famously remarked,

"An unexamined life
is not worth living."

Sadly, many, if not most,
human beings are born,

live, and die without
ever examining their lives.

An honest examination of life
raises fundamental questions.

How did I get here?

What is the purpose of life?

And what, if anything, lurks
behind the curtain of death?

♪ ♪

RAMY: Do you believe in fate?

[LIVELY MUSIC]

There's something about destiny

that's always felt hopeless.

It's like, no matter what
I do, I'm just gonna be

where it was written for me to be.

So why do anything?

Why even try at all?

In Islam, we say inshallah.

And I always thought it meant,
"If God wills it to be."

But as I got older,
I realized the translation

is a little different.

It's more like,
"If God willed it to be."

Past tense, 'cause
it's already been chosen.

It's already been chosen,
but we still have choice.

I-it's a concept
beyond our understanding.

How can you choose
what's already been chosen?

Only God could know.

Are we ever wrong or right?

Did I f*ck up my life, or was
it always gonna be f*cked up?

Sometimes it feels
like my only choice is...

if I'm gonna be smiling when I meet God.

♪ ♪

There's a passage in the Quran
that gives me faith.

Allah says, "We created you in pairs."

And there's something
so beautiful about that.

It's like, even if our fate's
already been written,

all of our blessings,
all of our downfalls,

it was written for us
to be together in a pair.

We're not meant to be alone.

♪ ♪

That's what's so beautiful
about marriage.

It feels like the best choice
you've ever made,

but it also doesn't feel
like a choice at all.

It's kind of like, the only thing

you really have to choose
is the right ring.

Wow, where'd you learn all that, kid?

You married?

Uh, no, no, I'm not.

But, um, one day.

Inshallah, that's what we say

- in... in our religion.
- FRANKIE: Inshallah.

This girl feels like fate.

She's Lebanese.

Her visa's running out,

then we meet and fall in love,

and now she gets to stay
in America if I marry her.

Now, what are the chances
of that timing?

I-I mean, that... yeah,
tha... that sounds like...

Egypt. Egypt.

One second.

YUVAL: Yo. I got something big.

I told Selim that we sold
the watch to the Yemenis,

you and I, okay?

He flipped out
'cause they don't buy sh*t.

I sold the watch to the Yemenis.

It took me, like,
three weeks to close that deal.

You, me, I mean, we both sold it.

We're like a team now.
We're like Moses and the Egyptians.

You know that was, like,
a really f*cked-up relationship?

Yeah, but this one's gonna be better,

because they want to meet right now.

Selim from the Diamond Club?
He wants to meet me?

Diamond Club, baby. We got to go now.

Okay, yeah. Um...

Uh, sir, uh,
my uncle's gonna ring you up,

but, please, tag us
on Instagram when you propose?

Beautiful culture you have here.

You gonna buy this sh*t or what?

[LIVELY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

RAMY: I spent the last
two years taking us online.

We've got almost a million followers,

a-and soon we won't even be
able to keep up with orders.

If we had just the access
to your suppliers,

we could do something
really special, you know?

We really want to work
with the Diamond Club.

[BOTH SPEAKING HEBREW]

Now I got a warehouse
with silver dragons

collecting dust.

Oh, women love Arabic, okay?

You can't f*ck in New York
unless you know Rumi.

Look, I-I don't understand
everything you guys are saying.

- But if we did this...
- Just give us a minute.

Inshallah.

It's very impressive
what you did with Dunya.

Thank you, sir, and, you know,

dunya actually means
"this life" in... in Islam,

- like... like, before...
- [SPEAKING ARABIC]

"The world to come."

Our traditions have a lot in common.

RAMY: Yeah, I-I've always felt that...

That we share this deep...

Christmas-less-ness, you know?

Chri... huh?

Like, uh... like, not
celebrating Christmas, right?

Like... like, the whole country's...

This whole country's, like,
worshipping Santa,

an... and we're like,
"No, I don't think so.

This doesn't feel right," you know?

- Mm.
- I remember being

in kindergarten.

Everyone's talking about Santa.

I look over at this kid Ari,
and I'm like,

"Dude, we know the truth.

"You know, we know

this is just, like,
a capitalist f*cking lie."

Like, Santa's not...
He's not in the texts.

Like, none of them... None of the...

None of the testaments.

Over there, we have conflict.

But over here,

we see our brotherhood.

Ramy, do you believe in God?

You know, I...

I-I used to, but I don't know.

So I'm just trying to do
something to help my family,

a-and I'm not gonna let
anything get in the way.

Look, we don't do business with many,

but when we give you a job,
we need our money quick.

And if you lose a client, the
cash comes out of your pocket.

This is not online sales.

I-I know. I know... I understand.

Then we go to Israel on Sunday, huh?

We go to... to where?

Israel.

If you're joining us,
there has to be trust, right?

The boss only meets in person in Israel.

Right, I-I-I thought...
I just thought you said, like,

over there, there's prob...
But over here, we have the...

Yeah, but we have to go
over there to understand

what's going on over here.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

[SPEAKING ARABIC]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

NASEEM: Get up, and paper the block.

Uncle Naseem, I'm over here
trying to save us money,

and you're wasting it on flyers

that don't even look like you anymore.

This is true.
I'm much better-looking now.

And that guy yesterday...
He was gonna by that ring.

It was expensive.

You didn't close the deal.

I wasn't going to sell him.
He's a f*cking FBI.

Yeah, yeah. Everyone's a fed or a...

Or a pedophile
that works for Obama, right?

That... that's the whole world?

Why didn't you finish the sale yourself?

Be a man. No, you didn't.

Because I was going
to the Diamond Club, all right?

To meet with Selim.

What? Who... how... how...

That's the kind of relationship
that can actually help us.

NASEEM: Those guys are criminals.

Everything they do is unethical.

RAMY: "Unethical"?

Didn't you buy
half our stuff from China?

Made by Muslims.

Are you talking about
the... the Uyghur camps?

A Muslim is a Muslim.

Habibi, it's okay.

Once we make a lot of money,
we will free them.

You just don't want to work
with this guy

because he's Jewish... Admit it.

I work with Jews all day, dum-dum.

Daniel.

Da... Daniel!

I'm doing sh*t, Naseem.

NASEEM: This kid wants to work
with Selim.

I tell him those guys are criminals.

Guess what he say.

He say I'm anti-Semitic.

Tell him. Tell him that he
is brainwashed by Twitter.

Kid, you can't.
Those guys are the f*cking Mob.

There's a price that comes
with working with them

that you don't want to pay.

- And your uncle is anti-Semitic.
- NASEEM: Wha...

How long I been working with you, huh?

Doesn't mean you don't hate me.

It's... No, I hate Indians more.

The list is Indian, China,
Dominican Republic, Jew, um,

and... and those people,

uh, the f*cking island people... Bahama?

You hate people from the Bahamas?

Yes, Bahama. They have no culture.

[LIVELY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Salaam alaikum, Brother Hassan.

My name's Rasheed Islam.

I'm here today on behalf of...

Look, we're here because
you owe Zainab a lot of money.

We don't need the salaams.

RASHEED: Malika,
we always need the salaams.

MALIKA: No, Rasheed, we don't
always need the salaams.

You did some dirty sh*t.
You got to pay up.

Akhi,

Sister Malika is noting

that when you signed
your marriage contract,

there was a mehr in place.

Due to the nature of the divorce,

you owe the full amount.

It's been over a year,

and Zainab's yet to receive payment.

Her $ , , like, now.
[SPEAKING ARABIC]

No, I-I-I remember signing that.

- It was... it was , .
- [SPEAKING ARABIC]

_

You also agreed to put down racks...

_

I-I don't... I don't have that
right now.

Well, just the mugaddam
is okay for now, then,

if that's all you can do.

I-I don't... I don't have that either.

Broke. Broke-ass.

Look, if I could just talk to Zainab...

I've been trying to get her
on the phone for over a year.

You know, it's not... It's not right.

Like, w-we just got to have
a conversation or something.

She can't just send you here.

Ramy, you should
really just sign a check.

Sidi Ramy, you know where you stand.

It's not just about the money.

You're in spiritual debt.

Yeah, but... but you're...
You're asking me for mo...

If it's spiritual, then can
we just not charge so much?

We'll be around when you're ready.

But don't take too long.

God's waiting.

Salaam.

MALIKA: Broke, just broke.

- [CAR ALARM BEEPS]
- MAYSA: [WHISPERING IN FRENCH]

_

_

_

FAROUK: Relax, Maysa.

MAYSA: I talked to the bank manager.

He said it's very bad.

We might have to sell the house.

RAMY: Mom, no, we... we won't.

- It's okay.
- MAYSA: It's not okay.

Look at this, okay?

Here...

look.

DENA: I can't...

MAYSA: We can't see anything
in this f*cking light.

These are energy-saving bulbs.
[SPEAKING ARABIC]

_

Yeah, but w-we really can't
see anything, Dad.

Just look closer.

We owe all the credit cards,
and with Shadi here,

it's like I have
a third child suddenly, right?

There's only... the two of us working,

only Ramy and myself.

_

Mom, in a few weeks,
I'm gonna take the bar,

- and when I pass...
- Inshallah.

Sure.

When I pass, I'm gonna get
on a salary, and I'm gonna help.

RAMY: I'm working on something, too.

There's this business
opportunity in the district...

Habibi, no, no, no, no.
Stay wherever you are.

No business opportunities!

You know, the last time
I heard this from your dad,

it's when he threw our money away.

_

_

Habibi, I'm not living in Egypt, okay?

That investment you made...
It's f*cking sh*t.

Why don't we just sell the house?

- What?
- DENA: Yeah, what if it's time?

We move out, get our own places,

and, um, live, you know,
like, apart from each other.

That's not exactly what I had in mind.

I'm not leaving
this f*cking house, okay?

SHADI: [CRYING SOFTLY, SNIFFLES]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

- RAMY: Yo, you, uh...
- Yo.

Is e... are you okay?
Is everything all right?

[SIGHS] Did you ever watch American Pie?

Uh, yeah, it's... It's been a while.

SHADI: It's my favorite.

It made me want to come to America.

But I just realized I never
actually watched the movie.

Wh... what are you talking about?

In Egypt, a lot of the time,
they edit out the sex scenes.

So I must've watched a version
that was censored or some sh*t,

but I never actually saw
the part where he... [SPEAKING ARABIC]

_

Bangs the pie.

Uh, yeah, I mean, I gue...
I guess it's technically

a-a sex scene.

Growing up in Cairo,
you always have this suspicion

that everyone in America
knows something that you don't,

like you're stupid and the rest
of the world is smart.

Like everyone knows about the pie

except for your dumb ass.

Look, man, I-I-I know that
it's been kind of a hard time,

but it's... it's... it's been
a hard time for everybody.

And COVID hit the DJ community
really hard,

but it's coming back.

I-I don't want to be a DJ anymore.

Ever since I watched
that f*cking pie scene,

I knew that I had to rethink everything.

So I took some magic mushrooms,

and then I realized I miss God.

Y-you did shrooms?

SHADI: When you came to Cairo,

I was so confused
about how religious you were.

But being here, I actually miss
the call to prayer.

It used to annoy me,
but now I'm waking up

at : in the morning
'cause I don't hear it.

I'm waking up
'cause it's too f*cking quiet.

Look, the... The way I was in Cairo,

I'm not like that anymore, okay?

I-I don't...

I know. You've been so closed off.

I don't know everything that
happened with you and Zainab.

I know you cheated on her,
but I don't know with who.

I don't really think
it matters with who,

and... and, uh, I just don't want to...

Just don't say anything about
that to... to my parents or Dena.

SHADI: I don't judge you, bro.

I just don't want you
to lose your light.

_

Yeah.

_

_

_

_

- Inshallah.
- Inshallah.

♪ ♪

[DOOR OPENS]

Allahu Akbar.

[DOOR CLOSES]

SINGER: [SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ ♪

Are you sure you don't want
to try something different?

Yeah, i-if you'd just stop talking,

then I can kind of
get into it, you know?

- Oh.
- Yeah, just give me a chance.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

It just seems like you have a problem.

You're not getting hard.

Yeah, I'm... [SIGHS]

- I-I'm just tired, okay?
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Okay, yeah, me too.

- Yeah, I just, um...
- I should probably sleep.

- Yeah, yeah, let's just...
- Yep.

Let's... yeah, let's sleep,
and I feel like if... if we...

If we just kind of rest up,

and then... and then in the morning,

we'll have more energy,
you know, and really kind of...

You know, I feel like
we'll find it, you know?

Like, you sleep here?

Yeah.

Um...

you know...

I, like, never have anyone sleep over.

It's a personal rule.

O-okay, but it's...
It's just, like, I-I, um,

I live in Jersey, so it's really far.

Yeah, New Jersey.

I'm really sorry about that.

[STAMMERS]

That, like, that I have to
leave or that I live in Jersey?

All of it, really.

♪ ♪

- Okay.
- [YAWNS]

Thanks, dude. It's f*cking surging.

It's, like, $ to get to Jersey.

Dude, I'd pick you up anywhere,

especially Williamsburg.

This is the land of my people.

You can't say that about
everywhere you guys move.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, Ramy.

Funny, Ramy... the funniest.

RAMY: No, I'm... I'm serious.

Are you coming to Israel?

I-I don't know, man.
It's a lot to think about.

You didn't tell me anything about this.

YUVAL: I know that was pretty
f*cking intimidating,

but Selim's the man.

He picked me up from the Chabad Center

when I did my rehab,
and ever since he put

this yarmulke on my head,
I've been on fire.

I mean, I'm money right now.

Okay, you know him.

What do we know about
what's going on over there?

His boss is my aunt, so, I mean...

What? YUVAL: Yeah.

But she thinks I'm a big f*ck-up,

so it's not like we have an in.

But if we prove to her that
I'm not a f*ck-up anymore...

I'm clean. I have a best friend... you.

Show her you. I mean, you're perfect.

You're the f*cking... I don't know...

Mo Salah of jewelry.

You can get generational wealth

and take care of your family.

And people will talk about us...

a Muslim and a Jew,
the two best friends...

who helped each other,

oh, and then helped the world.

And we're gonna get you
out of f*cking Jersey.

I can't believe we have
to drive to f*cking Jersey.

You just want to sleep over?
I got four beds.

No, I-I-I don't.

- Queens.
- I'm not sleeping over.

Are you sure?
We'll figure it out in the car.

[LIVELY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

AHMED: Beautiful woman
in a swim magazine.

[DEVICE BEEPS]

Mistress punishing her servant.

[DEVICE BEEPS] Transgender woman

with a cisgender woman in the office.

They were arguing over a work issue,

then there was more tension.

[DEVICE BEEPS] Bradley Cooper.

[DEVICE BEEPS]

Sarah, the girl who wouldn't
let you ruin her life.

[DEVICE BEEPS]

January th rioter fake-masturbating

next to a portrait of Bill Clinton.

Dude, what are we doing?

I'm testing different stimuli.

I really thought Bradley Cooper
would've stimulated you more.

I-I don't think
this is doing anything, man.

Maybe I just have,
like, vitamin deficiency.

You think a vitamin is what's
keeping you from getting hard?

I-I don't know.
But you said that I'm healthy.

I've been exercising every day,
but I can't get it up, dude.

It's happened with two girls now,

and... and p*rn's barely
even doing anything.

Look at this, man.
This is an average brain.

The yellow spots are reward centers.

- See how small the yellow is?
- Yeah.

AHMED: This is your brain.
Look how big the yellow is.

So li... like, I'm extra happy?

No, you're overstimulated.

This is a heroin addict's brain.

Looks just like yours.

Are you watching horse p*rn?

Horse p*rn? No, dude.

Can you stop talking to me like
I'm a drug addict or something?

- Everybody watches p*rn.
- It's the Muslim drug.

We don't drink. We don't do cocaine.

We p*rn.

Remember when you told me you watch p*rn

because you didn't want to have sex?

That's how it starts, man.

When you don't think you'll be
with someone in real life,

you pile all your emotions
into your fantasy.

You had sex with a hijabi
from the mosque.

You cheated on your wife
with your cousin.

All your relationships sound like p*rn.

Not all of them, man.
I've... I've... I've been in love.

I loved Zainab, uh, Sarah.

You don't know what love is, man.

All your values are twisted.

You wear jewelry with the Quran on it,

and you're not even praying.

I feel like you're gonna start
celebrating Halloween next.

- Well, Halloween's not haram.
- Shut up.

I just ran you through images
for an hour.

The only time your brain spiked

was when it was something extreme.

Once you get away
from all this overstimulation,

your brain's gonna calm down.

And if you're gonna keep having sex,

at least be in a real relationship...

Someone who means something to you.

You need love,

then you'll get hard.

SARAH: It's been so long.

RAMY: I-I know.
What have you been up to?

I-I saw on Instagram
that you started a nonprofit.

SARAH: Yeah, it's been, like, two years,

and we're also creating a system

to help unhoused youth in New York.

That's amazing.
Li... like homeless kids, yeah?

Well, we say "unhoused" now.
It's their preference.

I mean, isn't their preference

just, like, to have a house?

What?

Like, if I was a homeless kid

and I had a wish,
I-I feel like I'd just want

somewhere to live instead
of, like, a-a new term, or...

Well, the communities
we work with appreciate it.

"Homeless" has a negative connotation.

I think we should listen to them.

RAMY: No, no, no, no, I get it.

I mean, it's like, uh, you know,

"Home is where the heart is," actually.

So you know, my... my mom
has one of those plaques...

[LAUGHS] That says that in the kitchen.

- Um...
- That's nice.

But, um...

I-I-I actually...
I always support the unhoused

- when I can.
- Mm.

Yeah, like... like,
I always put money in the cup,

even though my uncle tells me not to.

Your uncle tells you not to donate?

Yeah, he, uh... he thinks

that homeless people
aren't really homeless,

or... or unhoused.

Um, like... like, he thinks
they're just doing it

to avoid taxes.

You know, he's saying
that they get all that money,

and they don't have to give
any to the government,

which is technically true,
but everything's, like,

a conspiracy theory for him, you know?

Every day I'm with him at work,

and he's just saying
all this crazy sh*t,

and I got to defend people.

Like, that's what I'm doing, just...

- SARAH: Yeah.
- Defending people.

SARAH: Ramy, I'm so surprised

that you're still working with him.

I always thought that was
something you were doing

till you, like,
figured something else out.

- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- Yeah, I-I-I thought so, too,

but, um... but I'm good at it,

and in the last couple years,

my... my parents
have really needed the money,

and... and so it's been good

to... to actually make some.

And we're growing it.
It... it... it's wild.

Like, there's this supplier
on the block.

They don't work with anybody,
and they might work with us.

- Whoa, great.
- RAMY: Yeah, it's complicated.

Like, there's all this stuff they want.

You know, they... they get
a cut of everything we make,

and I got to go to Israel
to meet them if... if we do it.

Well, you're not going, right?

- I don't... I mean...
- SARAH: Aren't you BDS?

I mean, your uncle is, obviously.

We... we... we work with a lot of
people, an... and so it's, uh...

Look, I-I went on birthright.

I saw how they pretend
like nothing's happening

- in the settlements.
- RAMY: No, I-I-I know,

but I'm not gonna go...
I'm not gonna go, like,

meet with the government or something.

- [CHUCKLES]
- It's just people.

- Uh-huh.
- Like, that would be like

if... if someone judged us just 'cause,

you know, Tr*mp or some sh*t.

SARAH: Well, they kind of can.

I mean, a lot of people love
everything that man said.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Right.

I-I just think that maybe
if people worked together,

that's how change can happen.

Do you really believe that?

I don't know, okay?
I-I just... I'm not really

in a situation where I can be nonprofit.

What are you trying to say?

I'm saying that everything
that you're doing is amazing,

and you don't have to worry
about making money.

[SCOFFS] Yeah, and... and you
think that's the only reason

- I care about people?
- That's not what I'm saying.

I'm... I'm just saying
it's like anything, right?

Like... like eating organic?

Yeah, obviously, but it's expensive.

Most people can't afford that.

Yeah, I'm not talking
about shopping at Whole Foods.

Anyone can think organic.

That's something
that a rich person would say.

You know what I'm saying?

Do you even like me?

What?

I just don't think you like me,

and I think you called me to f*ck.

Sarah, w-we're just having
a f*cking conversation.

- Like, it's not a...
- Yeah, yeah, I don't...

I don't... I'm gonna go.

But, uh, yeah.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[CHUCKLES]

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING IN THE DISTANCE]

Sorry, I, uh,
know this is kind of crazy,

but do you happen to have
an extra cartridge?

- RAMY: Um, yeah, actually.
- LYNDSEY: Oh, thank you so much.

- RAMY: Yeah, no problem.
- LYNDSEY: Can I get you a drink?

RAMY: No, I'm... I'm good.
I'm good, thanks.

Cool necklace, man. I love Arabic.

Uh, thanks. Yeah, my, um...

- My company makes them.
- [SPEAKING ARABIC]

_

_

_

_

Yeah, that... tha... That's cool, man.

IAN: It's really fine print, though.

- I can't read it all.
- It's... it's Quran.

- It's called the Fatiha.
- Ah.

- That's a banger.
- That's why you don't drink.

- Yeah.
- LYNDSEY: I've actually been

doing some sun salutations
for my own faith...

Really similar to your rituals.

RAMY: Okay, yeah, what... what...
What faith is that?

I'm a witch.

Okay.

Yeah. [CLEARS THROAT]

I feel like people don't get us.

Sorry, uh, us?

Both our groups are so misunderstood.

Yeah, uh, when...

When, uh...
When did you become a-a witch?

During the pandemic.

Yeah, yeah, 'cause I-I kind of...

I kind of feel like it's not the same...

Like, any of it, really.

Like, I don't... I don't
really see how it's the same...

Like, I don't, you... like,
you didn't really grow up

with that feeling like
everything you did

was gonna send you to hell, right?

Did you have that?

Do witches have guilt
about anything, or...

did you grow up thinking,
like, entire groups of people

- and countries hated you, or...
- No, I-I...

Oh, well, no, right, 'cause
you just became a witch, right?

Like, you just woke up one day,

and you were like, "I'm a witch,"

an... and now we're the same,
like, we have the same...

Wha... what have you... wha... what
have you guys been through,

like, the witch community?

Like, the... like, Salem?
Is that the thing?

Like, that really
f*cked you guys up, or?

But I don't... I don't even...
I don't even blame you.

Like, if... if I grew up the way

that you did, I-I-I'd believe in magic.

Like, I'm sure
everything you wanted, you got.

So, f*ck, yeah.
I would think that I was,

- like, Harry Potter, honestly.
- Habibi...

RAMY: Yeah, I'm not...
I'm not your habibi, bro.

Take a breath. [INHALES DEEPLY]

Think about that passage on your neck.

Oh, this isn't the Fatiha.
This is Ayat Al-Kursi.

Yeah, don't f*cking touch me, dude.

No, no, no, I know.
It's fine Arabic print.

I can understand why you might've...

Dude, I told you not to f*cking...

LYNDSEY: [GASPS]

[PATRONS SHOUTING]

f*cking let go of me, man.

Shh.

It's okay, habibi.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Mom...

why's Dad sleeping on the couch?

He's comfortable. Don't worry about it.

Everything is okay.

Here. [SPEAKING ARABIC]

[LIVELY MUSIC]

♪ ♪