34x02 - One Angry Lisa

[bunniefuu]

(GULPING)

- (SCREAMING)
- ♪ Somewhere up there ♪

♪ Beyond the blue ♪

♪ There's love ♪

♪ For me ♪

- ♪ And you. ♪
- HOMER: Ah...!

(SCREAMS, WHIMPERS)

- (RAPID INSTRUMENTAL)
- (ALL VOCALIZING DIZZILY)

(ALL YELLING)

(SCREAMING)

(SONG STOPS)

(BELCHES LOUDLY)

♪

♪

WIFE: Oh, my gosh!
It's what you thought I always wanted!

I do like when you have a regimen.

Oh.

I can feel myself getting
hotter than the other moms.

And my husband can increase
the incline from the app.

(CACKLING)

- I've never been happier.

I'm back to my sixth-grade weight!

ANNOUNCER: Pedalon.
Because a great marriage

is a bike that goes nowhere.

- (GRUNTING)
- (GRUNTING) Why, you...

You know, Homie,

an exercise bike would be
good for someone like me

who can barely leave the house.

And my birthday's coming up.

An exercise bike?
Why would you want that,

instead of getting locked
into a gym membership

you could never use and can't cancel?

Oh, never mind.

Just once I'd like to
get something I want.

(CRIES)

I'll get her the damn bike

and anything else the TV says.

(SHRIEKS)

(SHRIEKS) Why, you...

Shut up, shut up, shut up! (GRUNTS)

One wife bike, please.

Excellent choice, sir.

Our starter model goes for $ , .

$ , ?!

Don't worry.
We do have an installment plan.

$ a month for...

(MUMBLES) ...months.

That's better.

And at bucks for the classes...

- What the...?
- ... for the matching water bottle...

- That's crazy.
- ...and it's for the special shoes.

Fine, I'll take the shoes.

Good choice.
Regular laces or deluxe?

- Regular.
- The regular cost more.

(GROANS)

(SNORING)

("DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY"
FROM THE NUTCRACKER PLAYING)

(GIGGLES)

And now for the birthday elf
to work his silent magic.

(YELLING)

(GRUNTING, YELLING)

(CLANKS)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUNTS) Why did I say
"I'll take it from here"?

Why do I always want to impress?

I got it from here, guys.

(CRACKING)

No. I'll take me from here.

(LOUD GROANING)

(PAINED GRUNTING)

Oh, God!

Assembling your bike couldn't be easier.

Step one,
get your , SPM pneumatic jigsaw.

My what?

Difficult. Complicated.

Obscenely hard.

Congratulations.

You've opened the box.

Now, we begin.

(RATCHETING)

Son, I'm trapped.

(WHISTLING)

(GRUNTING)

There must be a way to
get out of this gift!

(CLANGING)

Love you, Dad. Mwah.

(HOMER GROANS)

(RATCHETING)

Surprise!

(GRUNTING)

It's wonderful, Homie!

And there's one thing left I can do.

- (CLANGING)

- I'll fix that.
- Just stop.

(STRAINED GRUNTING)

Okay.

"Step one, create a unique username."

Ooh, now, he looks like fun.

What's up, Pedalon family?

My name is Jesse, and I care about you.

All of you. Except
for the woman on the bottom left.

Your credit card was declined.

Repo men are on the way!

No...!

Now let's ride.

(PANTS, SNIFFS)

(PANTING)

Oh, boy.

You got this, ScaredToGoToGym!

Way to be, EndorphinAnnie!

And that is the end!

Of warm-up. Let's look alive!

(GROANS) I can't.

I can't do it.

Don't you give up, MrsMargeSimpson!

You're talking to me.

Yes, I am, MrsMargeSimpson,

and I believe in you!

Oh, my God.
A positive online interaction.

Can you believe it, Alexa?

ALEXA: I'm on my break.

(HUMMING)

And cross that finish line.

To quote a personal hero of mine,

Mr. Nelson Mandela,

it always seems impossible
until it is done.

I prefer to believe that he
was talking about riding a bike

in your living room.

Peace out!

Is something wrong, Mom?

You didn't get the mail today.

What's this?

Lisa, I'm in cool-down mode.
Can it wait?

I don't want jelly legs.

Mmm. Jelly legs.

(CHEWING)

It's a jury summons,

in my name!

Ignore it. When you're my age,

the last thing you want to
do is stay still in a box.

Yeah, I mean, obviously,
it's for another Lisa Simpson.

(GASPS) It says if I throw it away,

there's six months in prison!

Um, is that vegan?

Vegan? No way.

This is prison.

It's vegetarian.

(LAUGHTER)

Honey, you got the triple "H"!

Homer, home and hungry!

Can't talk now.
Jesse is freestyle rapping.

♪ It's only the first inning,
heart b*ating, no retreating ♪

♪ Time, it is fleeting ♪

- When are we eating?
- : p.m. No cheating!

♪ I'm Hamilton on a bike,
Hamilton on a bike, y'all ♪

♪ You drop the LBs while
I drop the mic, y'all! ♪

(CHUCKLES): Yeah!

Oh...

- (GRUMBLING)
- (CHIME)

Ooh, a high four!

Marge, sweetie,
what does that bike give you

that feeding me doesn't?

Encouragement.

(CHIMING)

MrsMargeSimpson,

that is one beauteous gluteus!

HOMER:
I'll put a stop to this here and now.

Backup battery activated!

And Marge Simpson is
my biker of the week.

(GROANS) Stupid Peloton!

I mean, Pedalon!

Uh, you know what I mean!

(GRUNTING) Ah...

MrsMargeSimpson, we're gonna play "Taps"

because you k*lled it today.

("TAPS" PLAYING)

And riding to "Taps."

And a one, and a two, and a go!

Marge, you've been sitting
on that thing all day.

- (MARGE GRUNTING)
- Why don't you take a walk?

Get a little exercise.

Wait a minute, "Marge in Charge"?

What happened to Mrs. Marge Simpson?

I'm just getting tired
of the same old things.

Like my last name?

That was my gift to you at our wedding.

It's just a user name.
You're overreacting.

- Oh, am I?
- (MARGE GRUNTING)

Am I overreacting to my wife

being taken in by a cult?

It's not a cult.
It's just a group of people

improving their lives, paying money,

and slavishly following
a charismatic leader.

Ah. Boy, do I love
drinking that Kool-Aid.

(BARKS SOFTLY)

Um, excuse me, there's been a mistake.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah,
that's what they all say.

No, really. I should not be on a jury.

Well, no one wants to be on a jury.

But I have a valid excuse. I'm...

Ugh, I'm so sick of this.

People say their work is too important,

or they have a vacation planned,

or they hate cops, or they love cops,

or they're secretly eight years old.

But I am only eight years old.

Just ignore that magazine,

and please take a good look at me.

What eight-year-old wears pearls?

You're being non-responsive
and borderline fascist.

So you claim you're eight years old,

and you're using language like that?

Excuse denied! Get out of my face.

(BEDSPRINGS SQUEAKING LOUDLY)

- (MARGE GRUNTING)
- (HOMER GROANS)

- One, two, one, two, one...
- Marge, Marge. Marge!

- Ah!
- You were pedaling in your sleep.

Good. Good.

Jesse says the only
bad workout is the one

that doesn't happen.

(GASPS)

You brought Jesse into our bedroom.

Oh, sweetie, don't worry.

Yes, I may dream about him,

spend most of my day with him,

use up half our
disposable income on him.

But I'm married to you, Jesse.

Homer! Homer, Homer.
I'm married to Homer.

Now, let's get to Jesse. Sleep. Sleep.

Homer. Oh... Mmm.

Okay.

- What is that?
- Uh, it's a Pedalon pillow scent.

What's it called?

Um, "Sweat Dreams, by Jesse."

Fine. I'm going to Moe's.

Where the only exercise
you get is lifting a mug.

Sometimes Moe helps with that, too.

That's my big boy. Only five more to go.

That's my little drinker.

Aww.

Homer, what gives? It's only Tuesday,

and you're drinking
like it's a Thursday.

I got nothing to go home to except

except my incredibly fit wife.

I think she has a thing
for her ride instructor.

Eh, don't worry.

Those guys are losers in real life.

Let me check out what they make.

$ , ?

I wish I was a ride instructor.

Yeah, me, too.
Except for the bike riding,

and saying encouraging things.

And I'm not allowed to
appear on the Internet

without a big dot in front of my face.

Wow, that is an improvement.

Sure is gonna be hard
to go back to "No-Dot" Moe.

Just for that, I'll turn on

- the really harsh lighting.
- Turn it off.

Why can't she be happy
with the other instructors?

Like Vivica, or Jen S. Or even Jen R.?

Why always Jesse?

Oh, did you say Jesse?

- Jesse of Pedalon?
- You guys know him?

He is a damnation.

Hey, you kiss your cross
with that mouth?

I know what I said.

I could do laps in his deep blue eyes,
that jerk.

(GRUMBLING)

Would you listen to yourselves?

Complaining that your wives
found a healthy hobby.

I'm ashamed to be drinking
till : a.m. with all of youse.

All rise for juror selection.

LISA: She looks understanding.

Christmas gift.

Now, listen here.

Jurors will only be released

for the most serious of reasons.

Tell you what,
if you get me out of this,

we could have coffee.

Your Honor, we should both be excused.

As a newsman who's seen too much,

I can't possibly be objective.

What about her?

- She's my plus-one.
- Aww.

Do you have any objections
to losing these... jurors?

Ah, well,
they're the only jurors I like.

Oh, boy. Aw, geez.

Don't type that part.

And don't type the part where I said,
"Don't type that part."

Ah, she's typing it.

You know,
I think I'm gonna win this case.

Oh, now she stops typing.

Jurors six and eight are excused.

This place makes no sense.

You're telling me?

I'm on this jury while I am

simultaneously in prison.

Personal best, WineMomNoMore.

Big deal, the instructor talks to you.

Marge in Charge.

(GASPS) That's me, that's me, that's me.

I'd like to see you after class.

Meet me in the...

Cool Down Lounge.

Hmm?

Marge, I've been watching you,

and I would like to invite you

for a private ride.

♪

A personal experience, you and me alone.

The world is our bike lane.

You mean the two of
us in the same place?

Oh, no. God, no. No.

The same way we've always done it.

You on your bike and me on mine.

My motives are pure. Ha.

Well, Marge?

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ We can make it if we try ♪

This makes me feel a little odd,

but again, the only bad workout

is the one you don't do.

JESSE: You got that right.

I thought I shut this off.

JESSE: Uh,
there's a five minute "secret listen."

Y-You have to opt out.

♪

Here we go.

You've got something to say, say it.

Nap time.

♪

And when you found the
victim lying carved up

like a spiral-cut ham,

you took this photo.

Yeah, but see how I got the full moon

reflecting in the pool of blood?

And that's just using the iPhone ,

not the good one. (CHUCKLES) Amazing.

Can you believe this?

Longest Judge Judy I've ever seen.

(SCOFFS) This is not a TV show,

and we are not a studio audience.

And little jurors should
be seen and not heard.

- (WHISTLING)

♪

(HUMS)

WOMAN'S VOICE:
Welcome to the Private Ride.

- Just you and your instructor.
- (BEEPS)

We'll just send that to voice mail.

(EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

That means thank you for joining me.

Today our pedal odyssey will take us on

- the Great Wall of China.

So sit back, enjoy,
and... (SPEAKS MANDARIN)

That means remember to hydrate.

(EXOTIC MUSIC CONTINUES)

Behold the wonders of China.

Bitcoin mines,

forced labor camps where
children make smartphones,

and romance.

Marge, I know
we've had a tough few weeks,

but I'm really gonna
make an effort to be good

till you're not mad.

Then I'll go back to the way I was.

JESSE: That's it, feel the burn.

Feel you, feel me.

Let's take him down.

You got to be more specific, Homer.

We hate lots of guys in this bar.

I know who he means. Jesse.

If we did have sex,

my wife would be thinking of him.

And hypothetically, I'd be furious.

When that guy tried to steal Marge,

he woke the wrong sleeping fatso.

I just have to find him.

I can tell you where he is.

What? How?

You know how the Church says

we don't share any information?

It's a lie.
Google bought us six years ago,

so here you are.

I'm gonna put a foot-shaped
dent in his beautiful ass.

Defense, closing statement.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

consider everything you've seen,

and beyond a shadow of a doubt,

you will vote guilty.

You're the not guilty guy.

Uh, wha-what?

Gol-dang it.

Now, if there are
no further statements...

I have a statement.

This is highly irregular,

but I'm very bored, so I'll allow it.

Thank you.
I didn't want to be on this jury.

I didn't think I was mature enough

to decide a criminal case.

But after seeing the nonsense
that goes on in this courtroom,

well, you should be ashamed.

And, Your Honor, I find you guilty

of criminal indifference
and playing Wordle

on the bench.

"Bench." That's what it is.

Ah, juror number six. Lisa Simpson.

Yes, Judge?

I find you in contempt of court.

Bailiff, take her away.

Now the forewoman is gonna
be the Crazy Cat Lady.

(GIBBERING): I want to take a vote.

No, too soon! Take a vote...

(SPOUTING GIBBERISH)

Kitty's going to... What was it?
Guilty, guilty.

And that leaves jurors.
It's a mistrial.

The defendant can go free.

(LISA GROANS)

(KNOCK ON JESSE'S DOOR)

Uh, excuse me, private riders,

I have a guy at the door.

Yes, may I help you?

(HOMER GRUNTS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

You like that? You like that, fatty?

Okay, so when strangling a man,
don't just

use your arms, people, engage that core.

Engage. Engage.

I'll die as I lived...

failing and sweaty.

Let him go. Let him go.

Oh, I've got to save Homie.

(ENGINE NOT TURNING OVER)

Damn it!

Oh, it's so hard to ride
without a screen to look at.

Muscle memory. Muscle memory.

♪

Cool.

Whoa!

Aw, screw it.

(GROANS)

Whoa, was that your mom?

In a million years my mom
would not be that cool.

Bart, be home by : .

Well, if it's not your mom,

she stole her catchphrase.

(PANTING)

(GASPING)

You're having a thing with my wife.

Dude,
she doesn't even know where I live.

MARGE: You get away from my husband.

I thought you said it
was a private ride.

Well, you should have read
the terms and conditions

before you checked "agree," huh?

(MARGE GRUNTING)

That's enough, bub.

That's it, Marge, work those quads.

I'm tired of men telling me what to do.

(GRUNTS)

(JESSE SCREAMING)

Homer, let's go home.

Be sure to rate your ride,

and use Jesse for special discounts

in our online store.

Not valid without any other
discount codes. (GROANS)

Once again I have to
thank you for saving me

when I failed at saving you.

BOTH: ♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ We can make it if we try ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

- ♪ Building castles in the sky ♪
- _

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ You and I. ♪

Is that my bike?

HOMER AND MARGE:
♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ We can make it if we try ♪

♪ Just the two of us. ♪

I'm interested in buying a bike.

Well, you have come to the right place.

I'll take it from here.

(CHUCKLES, SIGHS)
I used to make grand a year.

And I used to be king of South Jersey.

My big mistake was moving
into Middlesex County.

Why did I get so cocky?
Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Shh!