02x08 - Allison's House

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Kevin Can F**k Himself". Aired: June 13,2021 to present.
Dark Comedy that revolves around the perfect housewife Allison.
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02x08 - Allison's House

Post by bunniefuu »

Sam, I don't want to leave.

Now I know how to
take care of my problems.

I guess I'm gonna have to take on Tammy.

We have a chance of
figuring this out together.

Or I can start getting
answers on my own.

No one listens to me.

I've never been a problem for you.

I took care of my little

Tammy's gonna arrest
me for arson problem.

All you have to do is
sign this affidavit.

She knows. I'm so sorry.

I'll fix it.

This is Allison's.

We think there's been an accident.

- Where is she?
- I don't know.


Can I get you another tea?

Uh, I'd love one. Thank you.

PATRON: Allison.

Actually, I'm okay. Thanks.

Kevin, you have to start doing dishes.

I tried that one time.

No, you licked all the
dishes and put them back.

Pete, what do you think
"licked it clean" means?


I guess I'm... just bad at it

because dishes... remind me of Allison.


Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever recover

from her untimely passing.

Hey, hon.

Oh, hey, babe!

You were saying?

I don't know. Was I talking?

- Hey, Molly.
- Hello, boys.

- Oh, you brought my Miller Lite!
- Yeah.

How much do I owe ya?

Oh, my treat.

Also, I'm cooking
later for the big game.

You're here a lot, Molly.

Yeah, well, Kevin needs me.

You know, like that
time he got his arm stuck

in the refrigerator.

It's true. I might've
died of starvation.

Which is ironic.

Alanis Morissette taught me that.


So Kevin would've died without you?

Maybe you should go home sometimes.



No, no, she... She
shouldn't go home, Neil,

because she's my girlfriend.

Like, you know how you
feel about curly fries?

Imagine if another human
being felt that way about you.

That's what we have.

I like having Molly here.

You made everything so much better.

Y-You've given me, us, our lives
back these last six months.

Well, that's nice, Neil.

Uh, but Kevin and I have
only been together for four.

Yeah, Allison's been gone six months.

Huh. Well, I'd say,
"Ding-dong, the witch is d*ad,"

but that would be insensitive.

So I won't say it. Adiós.



Yeah. What do you think?

I think it's rearranging deck chairs

on the Titanic at this point.

But it's nice.

Gonna be $ , Judi.


Okay. Thank you.

Oh. And here.


Small print.

Oh, stop that. You'll like it.

You been reading much?

Yeah. Sometimes.

I've been busy.

That's stupid.

I don't care what you
have going on, okay?

Or who you live with.

You don't forget who you are.





Yeah, hi. Uh...

I'm looking for a number
in New Brunswick County.

Gertrude Fronch?





Hey, Dad! Can you come
in here real quick?!

And, uh, bring some pancakes!


Oh. Oh, boy. This is tough.

But I knew this day would come.

Buddy, I said "pancakes,"
not "suitcase."


Kevin, it's time I leave.

I've been sticking around
'cause you're in mourning,

but it's starting to feel
like you're taking advantage.

I don't know what you're talking about.

This morning, you made me tie your shoes

'cause it reminded you of Allison.

I do bunny ears, and
she loved Easter so much.

I guess you just forgt about all that

because of your just-on-time-set

I do not have...

Look, Kevin, Lorraine has
a condo down in Florida.

We're gonna be going
there for the winter.

- It's summer.
- And all the other seasons.

Fine! Go follow that old
crone down to Florida!

I'll see you for three weeks
in February to work on my tan!

You think I'm gonna
tell you the address?

Come on.

Oop. Okay.


Why don't you sit down
and I will just serve you?

Mm! If you insist.

We need a bigger place.


Four people lived in this apartment

for the first years of my life.

Plus, my Uncle Tim when
he first got out of jail.

Oh, yeah, I can see why
you're dying to stay here.

Hate to leave all those great
Worcester memories behind.


Would a new place be so bad?

Especially after everything
that happened with Allison?

I know I shouldn't have helped her.

But she needed the pills.
And it got Nick off her back.

I know, I know. I don't
need to go through it again.

I know why you wanted
me to move in here.

It would have been a lot
of change all at once.

But it's been, like, six months,

and I feel like we're... stuck.

Don't you?

I don't know.


What's really keeping us here?

My business. Your job.

You can cut hair from anywhere.

And my job... [SCOFFS]
I just watched another

Patrick O'Irishwhatever make detective

after two years on the job.

And in another two years,
he'll probably be my boss.

I'm fine with leaving Worcester.

This is the only place I've ever lived.

Look, Patty.

This is the only place
you've ever lived.

Hey, you settle the register?

- Yep. Even.
- Ah. Nice work.

Pam would've liked you.

Pam, as in...?

Oh. From the name.


I didn't know she was real. [CHUCKLES]

I know I only brought you
on for the summer, but...

how'd you like to stay?

I-I feel like you belong here.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

You caught on really quick,
and it's only been a few weeks,

and you're practically a pro.

Well, technically, I am. You pay me.

[CHUCKLES] Right. And you're funny, too.

You don't think someone
named Gertrude would be funny,

but you are.

Well, yep. [CHUCKLES]

- Think about it.
- Okay.

Neil, best buddy, you are
not gonna believe this!

My dad w...



Uh, uh... no.

No. No, no, man. No. She...
She fell on top of me!

Uh, uh, she needed my gum.

I'm dreaming?

I could argue that I am
the one slumming it here.


But, no, Diane. I...








Sorry. I got caught up with some stuff.

Mm. That's fine.

I ordered a bacon egg-n-cheese.


Oh. Okay.

Anything new?

So, I'm pretty sure she ws
working at a Dollar Store

in Vermont a few weeks ago.


She might be moving south.

You look tired.

Are you an actual idiot?
Saying that to a woman?

Probably. Um, I'm still gonna ask.

Uh, are you okay?

Are you sleeping?

I just want to make sure she's alright.

I think about her. Don't you?


- Liar.
- I don't.

She left on her own, and I don't
think she wants to be found.

Yes, she does. She's Allison.

- Yeah, and I know Allie, too, and...
- Oh, no.

Because you still call her
that like she's ? Jesus.

Well, yeah, she's still
the same person, right?

I mean, people don't change.

But sh... She actually... did.

I don't even think she realized it.

She gave up everything to protect me.

And now that I'm left here without her,

I don't feel better off.

I just feel... left.

I think the most fun I ever
had was sitting on my couch

next to her trying
to pull her teeth out.



It's complicated.

Yeah, well, Allison's
a complicated person.

She's my favorite person.

And she did this because she
thought it would fix everything,

not because she wanted to.

She wants to be found.

Then why is she so good at running?

Here you go.

- Another one?

I guess, uh, Doris Lyman
spent half her life

at Eileen Fisher's.

[CHUCKLES] Lucky us.

These are pretty!

- Sure.

Hey, you said your brother
was a handyman, right?

Hmm. Michael. The golden boy.

Right. Do you think he could, uh,

come by my apartment to fix my window?

It's been like two weeks,
and I can't get it shut.

I'll ask him, but he's
too busy to come to mine.

At least your garbage disposal

isn't backing up into your bathtub.

Be grateful.

Mm. Gratitude.


Whew! I swear, all these
bags smell like Chanel No. .

I know. These are some fancy ladies.

Yeah. Fancy d*ad ladies.

That's... kinda dark. [CHUCKLES]




Oh, hey. Ah, well, well!

If it isn't my supposed best friend,

here in the bar of mine enemies.

You can add that to the list of things

I'll be expecting an
apology for tonight!

We came here to get an apology?

I thought this was date night.

Um, explain to me why
you deserve the apology.

Because you've been lying

and ditching me to star in your very own

Barnum & Bailey sideshow
with that grandma!

Diane is not a grandma!

But, I mean, even if she was a grandma,

that'd be okay, right?

I mean, my grandma, she's
only years older than me.


Okay. So then you're...

- If your mom was...
- If your mom was...


They were both very young.

Whatever! Diane is not a grandma!

She's an aunt who smells
like Herbal Essences

and is very nice to me.

Well, she is practically my aunt!

It's like you hooked up with my family!

Well, then, you're related, almost, huh?

Whatever happened to loyalty, Neil?

Gee, Kev, I don't know.
Maybe it went out the window

when you ditched me and
I got arrested alone!

Neil, you misunderstand.

I'm talking about your loyalty to me,

not the other way around.

You know what, man? I'm done.

You've been a jerk to me for...
For... for... forever, I think.

Oh, yeah? Name one time.

The time you ditched
me and I got arrested!

That's real mature, Neil.

About as mature as your new girlfriend.




Goodbye, Kevin. It's time for you to go.

Fine. Whatever.

I got my own smoking-hot girlfriend

to take care of me, so...

Oh, no, I-I didn't even shower today.

Babe, how about you don't announce it

to the whole bar when you don't shower?







Hi, Allison.



You did this to get me
to stop asking questions?

To give Patty an out?

Patty didn't need an out.

I deserve the blame.

And she knows you're
alive, I'm assuming.

Yeah. I... Yeah, I think so.

[SIGHS] This explains why
she won't leave Worcester.

Like one of those captain's widows,

waiting for him to come back.

You're surprised that Patty
doesn't want to leave Worcester?

I don't think you can put that one me.

Right. But there's plenty that I can.

For the last year, since
Wyndorff broke into your house,

I feel like everything's
been a little... off,

like a fraction of an inch,
and I just can't move on.

So I'm just gonna say what
I think happened out loud,

and we'll take it from there.

You faked your own death.
That's obvious.

But before that, you and Patty

as*ault a trucker in
Vermont for his pills.

Those pills and cash were
given to Nick Wyndorff

in exchange to break into your house.

And that's where I lose the thread.

Or really where I want
to drop the thread.



That was you, uh,
following me in the Jeep?

I had a friend up here looking for you.

I must say, you're
really great at running.

Well, not good enough, apparently.

Is the rest of
the Worcester PD out there?

It's just me.


Because I don't think

it will do anyone any good to tell them.

I think Kevin might disagree.

I'm not really concerned
with protecting Kevin.

Or anyone like him, really.

That's been my job for years, so...



Nick Wyndorff died last week.

And as far as I'm concerned,
this died with him.


Thank you.

I'm not doing this to be nice.

I'm doing this because
I don't think you're the enemy.

You, either.

But that's about it.


Good luck, Allison.




You seem like you hate that.

I kinda do.

Did they give you the wrong thing?


- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm just homesick.

Where'd you say you were from again?

Uh, I didn't. Uh...

I'm from Worcester.


You need money for a train
or something? [CHUCKLES]

No, I don't need money.

Well, why can't you go back?

I can.

But, also, I can't. I,
uh... I don't deserve it.

You don't deserve... Worcester?

Mm. I'm just not a good person.

Sure you are!

Well, now's the time you tell me

that everyone has some good in them?

f*ck no.

I mean, you think I loan
out my assh*le brother

to be just anyone's handyman?


Oh. Hey.


I just quit.

You quit?

- Like, your job?
- Yes.

- Just like that?
- Well, not just like that.

I've been miserable for
a while. You know that.

Yeah, Tam, but isn't that just
sort of life for everybody?

Not me. I'm not staying stuck

in things that are not working anymore.

I wanted options, and now I have them.


This is the part where you tell
me again that we should move.

Patty, you know we need
to get out of Worcester.

No. No, I don't.

What is so wrong with
staying where you grew up?

Why should I want to leave?

Because this place is haunted.

Everywhere I look, I see
somewhere you lied to me.

I know I messed up.

And I'm sorry.

But are we ever gonna be
able to just move past it?

Maybe, but not here,
where everything happened.

I need something to change.

I understand, and I
want you to be happy.

But I can't uproot my life
just to make you happy.

Okay, Patty.

What do you want?

I'm sorry.

But not this.

I need you to talk to Diane for me.

Excuse me?

She's all pissed
because I didn't propose

or whatever after Kevin
found us making out upstairs.

What do you want me to do about it?

Tell her I've been off lately
'cause you messed me up.

Tell her Dad used to hit us,
and she should feel bad for me.

I don't know. Make something up.

You have to leave.

Not 'til you say you're
gonna talk to Diane.

No, I mean you have to
move out, for both of us.

You can't make me.

Yeah, I can.

I should've done it years ago,
and I'm doing it now.

You're not just gonna
throw me out on the street

because I asked you to do one thing.

One thing?

One thing?!

Jesus. Calm down.

You spent the last
years asking me to do

one thing after another,
and I've done them!

But I don't remember you ever asking me

what it is that I want!

Fine. What do you want?

I want to sit out there and smoke

and not worry about
what anybody else needs.


That's the one thing I
haven't been doing for you?

Jesus. That's pathetic.

It's the most I could come up with.

Maybe if I could do that, I could
figure something else out.

But as long as you're here,
even that's impossible.

Where am I supposed to go?

You're years old, Neil.

Don't you think it's time you
figured that out without me?


Jesse, could you put on some
more decaf? Jesus Christ.

I-I did some back from the d*ad,

so you're not entirely wrong.

Sorry. I'm not serious.
I know I'm not Jesus Christ.


I really thought I'd
never see you again.

Thought or hoped?

Uh, no. Not hoped.

I'm glad I was wrong.

I really thought it was
the right thing to do.

Well, but you know we're
not actually better off

without you, right?

Trying to believe that.

Well, Patty really does
know you better than I do.

And, um... how is Patty?

I think she'll really
want to see you again.

Yeah. Yeah. Not yet.

I-I still have a few things
I need to figure out first.

Yeah. Wait.

So, how are you gonna
explain to everyone

that you're back here, alive?

Kevin basically buried you.

He made a really big deal
about it. People know.

Those are the things
I need to figure out.

What are you gonna say?

That I ran,

that I got away from Kevin
the only way I knew how.

So the truth, I guess.

How's that feel?


So Kevin really made
a big deal when I died?

He grew a beard.

- Mnh.
- Yeah.

He had this elaborate memorial
service at a bowling alley.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

That's where he met Molly.



Sam, who the f*ck is Molly?



Thank you.


Aren't you...?

Allison McRoberts. Yeah.

I was gonna say "d*ad."

Well, about that...

Uh, I was hoping you
had a second to talk.



Diane, come on!

Neil?! What the hell are you thinking?!

I made a mistake.
I can't just let this go.

I-I think I'm in love with you.

Oh. Shut up. Shut up. Come here.


You cannot just show up here.

Do you have any idea what
Chuck would do to you?

- To... To me?
- That... That's the thing.

I don't care. I don't care who knows.

- Not... Not Chuck, not Kevin.
- Well, that must be nice,

'cause I had to pay Kevin bucks

to not "let it slip"
at bowling last night.

I care if Chuck knows.

Why? He's a dick to you.

Are you drunk?

Diane, I need you. When...
When we're together,

I feel... a lot.

And mostly, it's good.

We could... We could leave together.

- We could leave together.
- Who says I want to leave?

I mean, I-I tried that once.

It... It was... It was...


I-It's possible. It's possible. Maybe.

But... But not with you like this.

I haven't had a drink for days,

and if I was gonna go
somewhere and start over again,

stuff would have to be different.

I can be better.

You... You can make me better.

That's not my job, Neil.

You figure it out. And maybe.

But I can't do it for you.



It's quiet in here.


A little too quiet.

So quiet that if I stop talking,

it'll be complete silence,
which I cannot handle,

so I am just gonna say words
that I think sound cool.




- Spelunking.
- Hey.

Quadru... Oh. Oh! Hey.

I'm so glad you're here.

- Really?
- Yeah. Of course.

Um, it's just last time I stopped by

without calling first,

you called me a "stage five clinger."

I did not!

Yes, you did, because then I said,

"Oh, do we still quote
'Wedding Crashers'?"

And you said, "I'll stop
quoting 'Wedding Crashers'

when they pry it from
my cold, d*ad hands."

And then I said, "What... Who's 'they'?

What are 'they' prying?"

And then you said,
"It's a figure of speech.

It's probably Shakespeare."

- And then I said...
- Whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa.

Where was this memory

when you were ordering
pizza over the phone?


Sorry. That was the other one.

But if I did say that,
it was just a joke.

Oh. Yeah.

Well, four months together,

still never knowing when you're serious.

Rule of thumb...

If you're offended by what
I said, I was just joking.

But don't worry.

You're gonna have plenty of
time to figure this stuff out,

because... Big exciting news...

You're moving in!


I'm moving in?

I know. I'm a catch.

It's okay to get a little excited.

Kevin, t-this is...

We... We... We are moving very fast.

Lovebug... [CHUCKLES]

When do you think we can
start, uh, moving your stuff in?

You know, get going?


Kinda backing up there, huh?

No. No. It's just...
Just 'cause I'm gonna go.

- I'm gonna, uh...
- What?

I gotta go... I gotta
go get some cigarettes.

Oh. Okay. Phew!
I thought you were leaving.







But wait. She doesn't smoke cigarettes.


What the hell is with everyone?

- ALLISON: Bad day?
- Oh, my God!


This is some sort of horrible nightmare!

Or it's some sort of wonderful dream!

Oh! Allison, you're alive!

This is amazing!

And you have great timing, too,

because I'm pretty
sure I just got dumped.

Where have you been?
What... What is going on?

I'm here to do what I should
have done for the last years.

I'm gonna be honest.

Six months ago, I ran.

I thought you were hiking when
you fell down that mountain.

No. Kevin, I didn't go for a run.

I ran from you.

Did you hit you head when
you fell down that mountain?

[LAUGHTER] Jesus Christ, Kevin.

- There was no mountain.
- Oh, okay.

So you were running on flat
ground when you hit your head.

I mean, you must have
some sort of brain trauma,

'cause right now, you sound
a lot like Neil this one time...

Kevin, shut up.

I'm gonna talk, and you're gonna listen.

I want a divorce.


Sorry. I-I thought you said "divorce."

I did.

No. No, no, no.


Uh, Allison, you... you
don't want to do this.

[CHUCKLES] Of course I do.






Honey, you're not serious about this.

- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.

Because you know how this'll go.

You leave me, and you will be back,

begging for help or money or
attention before you know it.

- That's not true.
- It is true.

Because this is just like
when you thought we should move

or... or you should try school
or you had to go to Paris.

Eventually, you come to
your senses and calm down.

So what do you say
we just skip this part

where you think you
want a divorce, okay?

This is happening.

No. No, no.

It's not, because,
babe, you're not capable.

Well, it's not up to you.

Allison... everything is up to me.



Kevin, where is everyone?

Everyone who?

Pete, Neil, Molly.

What do you know...

What did you say to Molly?

Just the truth.

What Pete knew... and Neil.

That you're a g*dd*mn cancer.

No. No, no, no. No.

No. This... This is not happening to me.

Not from my wife.

- No!


without me, you will have nothing,

because I will f*cking destroy you.


Do your worst.








Dad, pick up your g*dd*mn phone.

Hey, Molly, it's Kevin.

Uh, I'm not really sure
what happened there,

but, um... call me back.

I'm, uh, I'm worried about you.

Hey, Neil, uh, I'm planning
some revenge on somebody,

and you're not here. [CHUCKLES]

But you're supposed
to be to help me out.

So how about you just
stop being a f*cking idiot

and you call me back, okay?

Whatever. Bye.







♪ You see this guy ♪

♪ This guy's in love with you ♪

♪ Yes, I'm in love ♪

♪ Who looks at you the way I do? ♪

♪ When you smile, I can tell ♪



Can I get one of your stupid fancy IPAs?

We don't have any today.

I'm sorry.

Oh. Right. Sure.

I had a terrible, terrible day...

and you're the only
person I hang out with now.

Is that okay?

Yeah. Yeah. Of course.


She's here.


Allison's here?

Or at least she was.

Wait. W...


- Did she leave again?
- I really don't know.

I wasn't sure if I was
supposed to say anything, so...

Jesus Christ.

Why wouldn't she just... Ugh!

Neil, I swear to God...

♪ My heart keep breaking, 'cause ♪


♪ I need your love ♪

♪ I want your love ♪

♪ Say you're in love ♪

♪ In love with this guy ♪

♪ If not, I'll just die ♪



Oh, my God.

♪ Is it so? ♪

♪ Don't let me be the last to know ♪

♪ My hands ♪

♪ My heart keep breaking 'cause... ♪

♪ I need your love ♪

♪ I want your love ♪


♪ Say you're in love ♪

♪ In love with this guy ♪

♪ If not, I'll just die ♪



I missed you.

I know.

For once he finally did
something you wanted him to.

I didn't want this.

Not anymore.

I want to stay.

Let's die alone together.


Let's die alone together.

♪ Just tell old Satan how you feel ♪

♪ Get that old devil
right off your heel ♪

♪ Shout, sister ♪

♪ Shout, sister, shout ♪

♪ Oh, Lord ♪

♪ Shout ♪

♪ Oh, Lord ♪

- ♪ Mm ♪
- ♪ Oh, Lord ♪
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