10x05 - Archer: 1999 -- Mr. Deadly Goes to Town

[bunniefuu]

Now that
doesn't look right.

Why am I lookingat a black hole?

You know I hate those.

Yeah, we're nowhere near
where we're supposed to be.

Well, maybe we should find
the navigator

and throw something
at him.

Wait, I'm the... hey!

- Seriously?
- Sorry, I didn't

- have anything heavier.
- Also there's that.

That is the most evil thing
I've ever seen.

This isn't my fault.

I didn't enterthese coordinates.

That thing summoned us
out of hyperspace.

Well, don't just stand
theregawping like stunned space elk.

Go see if there's anything
worth salvaging.

You want us
to walk into a thing

that might as well have

"imminent death"
written on the side?

Well...

Since we're here.

Yep, and nothing terrible

ever happens
in a place like this.

Hmm, I'm not finding much.

Just a bunch of hallways
that meet up over there.

Ooh, I'm picking up large
amounts of organic compounds!

Aww, but no moisture,

which only makes sense
if it's...

A giant field of old,
dead aliens?

Or an army of space mummies.

Uh, look up circuit-d*ck.

Oh, well,
technically I'm correct

if they stand up... now!

Right now.

Instead of trying
to raise the dead,

why don't we just
find something shiny

and get the heck out of here?

Cyril, find anything?

Well, it looks likethere
are two kinds of aliens.

Heavily armored and seems
likethey've been here for eons.

Ah!

- Dead... ... alien...
- ... in......

My... ... lungs.

- Whoa-ho!
- Cool!

We've decoded
the writing on the outside

and it seemed... relevant.

Relevant how?

Well, as far
as we can tell,

it's one phrase translated

into a dozen
ancient languages.

"Beware. End of life."
"Beware. End of life."

Any-hoo...

Now I kind of wishwe'd worn helmets.

Time to go.
Cyril, Pam.

Ha-ha!

Bring me the biggest goose
in all of London!

Well, hello.

I'm Mr. Deadly,

and I'm coming with you.

And if we don't take you?

Written right on the side.

*ARCHER (2009)*
Season 10 Episode 05

*ARCHER (2009)*
Title : "1999: Mr. Deadly Goes to Town"

Could you say that
one more time?

- Bring me the biggest goo...
- Not you!

I'm a sentient
doomsday device

created by an extinct
alien race but never used.

Wait, never used?
What about all those bodies?

Well, hello. I'm Mr. Deadly.

Typical.

I didn't k*ll them.
They d*ed fighting over me.

But you gestured
threateningly.

I've been alone
for thousands of years,

so my nonverbal communication
skills are a bit rusty.

So wait, are youa w*apon or not?

As I said, doomsday device.

Designed by a race
to whom mutual destruction

was preferable to defeat.

I was hidden away
on the edge of space,

but the w*r I was created
to end in fiery apotheosis

concluded without me.

So there I remained,
my only companions

the velvety dark
and solitude itself.

And then?

I got bored, so I nabbed you
lot out of hyperspace

to help me explode,
at which point

I'll atomize a few dozen
solar systems.

Who else
is turned on right now?

- Always on.
- Not at all.

Am I to understand

that we brought
a giant b*mb onto the ship

because you misunderstood
its gestures?

Yeah, keep
working on it, buddy.

Now, with that out
of the way,

would you say
"Please detonate"?

Plea...

Keep little Miss Death Wish
confined here until we decide

what to do with that
walking apocalypse.

So we're just supposed to
sithere and twiddle our thumbs?

I'm sure what you do
with your thumbs

is entirely your business.

Yeah, just seethe silently.
That'll show her.

Well, you're stuck here, too.

I'm always stuck here.

What?

I'm just laughing

at how little they respect you.

God,
I need a drink.

It looks like The Artifact

sealed itself up
after you left.

So we're stuck with you, huh?

Yes.
Though I can't trigger myself,

I would like to explode
at the earliest opportunity.

Go right ahead!

If k*lled,
I blow up automatically.

Sort of obvious,
when you think about it.

So you lived your entire
lifeon that thing, right?

You've neverexperienced anything?

I could access all
the information in the galaxy.

But I suppose you're right.

I didn't directly experience
any of it.

Aww.
You must be horny as sh*t.

The sole aim of my being
is to explode.

Been there, buddy.

We get it.
You wanna explode.

But if you experience some
stuff, then explode,

you'd get the best
of both worlds.

Maybe you won't want
to explode at all.

Unlikely, but intriguing.
It is settled.

I shall experience...
some stuff!

Excellent. Laki Station is nearby.

It's a cargo depot,

but it has its shareof diversions.

I'm just gladl won't have to look
at that thing anymore.

What is it with you
and black holes?

Ever heard ofspaghettification?

Oh, yeah, I did that once!

Man, we went everywhere,
nothing but sauce and starch.

Nom-nom-nom-nom.

I put on 20 pounds.

Pam, not spaghetti vacation!

I'm talking about
the scientific term

for being sucked through
a black hole's event horizon

and being stretched into
a thin strip of matter,

screaming for eternity
because of time dilation.

Spaghettification!

We called ours "Pastafari."

Ahh!

What are you doing
in my inner sanct...

Room where I sit quietlyand
do nothing suspicious?

You come here to dream
of electric sheep?

Don't be a d*ck.
Androids can't dream.

But we do think real hardabout them.

And make illegal
experimental weapons

using our ship's supplies?

What? No, that's not...

Laki Station is notorious

for black market deals.

I may just have a plan.

- Stop that!
- Oh, sorry.

I was just... electric sheep.

Like, do they plug in?

My word.

I knew the life cycle
of a cow,

the atomic structure
of sucrose,

but the experience!

Yeah, well,
ice cream is good.

Not that good.

Unless you've got onethat's
foreplay flavored.

- Do they have that?
- No.

And let's keep it simple
for now.

I hear they have
a greenhouse that might

- be fun to walk through.
- Good grief,

there's more than this?

Yay, plants.

So what's the plan here?

Stuff him in a cargo hold
and bug out?

No! Then he just blows up
a bunch of other people.

We can make this work.

If we just find something
he likes enough to live for.

Oh, my God, you alwayshave
to fix people, don't you?

This is why our marriage
didn't work!

- Really?
- It wasn't the fact

that you slept with everything
on two legs?

Hm... not always two.

This is a disaster.

There's only two people here!

- Didn't you pass out the brochures?
- I did not.

But the mix tape doesn't
make any sense without...

Oh, my God.

You didn't send
the mix tape?

♪ Sometimes you want to have fun ♪

♪ Have fun ♪

- ♪ Sometimes you just need a g*n ♪
- ♪ Sometimes you just need a g*n ♪

- ♪ Blap-blap ♪
- ♪ Blap-blap ♪

The arms game
is about connections,

not your quasi-musical
cry for help.

This is allwindow dressing anyway.

This is bush league
right here.

- Thank you!
- Yeah.

Hey, after this,
let's hit the dead drop

and then space taco.

Mm, def.

Oh, my God!
Are you guys spies?

Oh, my God,
yell it out, hello.

Got it!
Do you guys have, like,

an internship or something?
I'm very sneaky!

- Mm-hmm.
- I see you two have an eye.

Let me show you
the latest.

Only for my special
customers, you understand.

Yeah, well,
we are pretty special.

The Plasmo blast Chaos Edition!

Hold down the trigger,

and it fires at
wildly unpredictable intervals!

- Why?
- Revenge Body Armor!

When hit,
it auto-injects you with painkillers

and rage-inducingp harmaceuticals!

Why...

And finally, my magnum opus.

The personalized,
identity-locked

temporary
singularity grenade.

That all sounds...

- So dumb.
- Thank you.

What's dumb about
a temporary black hole

that sucks everything into it,
then teleports itself

to a random location
in the galaxy?

All of the words
that you said

in the order
that you said them.

And we're out.

If I may step in...

These are onlythe appetizers.

I do in fact have accessto
a w*apon of great power.

- What, a fart cannon?
- Actually, I have one...

No, something else.
A doomsday device.

The butterfly.

A remarkable illustration

of the capacity
of living things...

to change.
Cool.

Hey, is that something you
think you might be able to...

What's going on, bud?

Oh, I'm conversing
with the butterfly

via pheromones.

I just asked it to say,
"Please detonate."

I thought you weren't
gonna try to explode!

That's not... anything I said.

Anyway, it was a hard pass.

Much more foul-mouthed
than I expected.

Same to you, you bastard!

Well, I guess we're safe.

Until he finds a fruit
flywith a death wish.

So... would you be interested?

Or, you can sh**t plasmabolts
at semi-random intervals.

Ka-kow!

Ka-ka-kow!

I'll take doomsday.

Ka-kow!

What do you mean, "No?"

The accepted opposite of, "Yes"?

So we're not selling
Mr. Deadly now?

Won't those spies be angry?

And more importantly,

how does this
affect our mix tape?

Selling him would solve
all our problems.

He gets taken some where else
and gets to explode.

- We live.
- Except for

the billions of
life forms he kills.

Well, obviously,
but they're kind of

a sunk cost at this point.

That is not what that means.

Oh, um... arbitrage?

We can't be held responsible

for the actions of the people
we sell weapons to!

- Why not?
- Because we'd have

to stop doing it!

Look, I think Mr. Deadly

is makingsome
real progress.

The ice cream was good,

and that was
a very pretty bug, if rude,

but fulfilling the purpose
of my existence

sounds a smidge better.

But there must be something
in the universe you wanna do.

I've heard good things
about whisky.

Great job, Lana.

Now let's go get
this b*mb drunk.

Lightweights.

That was only like
a half a bottle...

of Quaaludes...

that I dissolvedin their absinthe.

Hmm...

They may die.

Oh!
Mr. Deadly!

That's what I was doing.

I say, that tastes like
an old boot on fire

that I like in my mouth!

I know it's your first time,
but you don't have to try

literally every whisky
they have.

Um, could you say,
"Please detonate"?

Say nothing. Walk away.

Almost got you.

I'll have these six.

Not 100% surethis is working.

Let's just go findthose
spies and pawn him off.

One, that's evil.

Two, we don't even know
what they look like.

Well, see that cat dudeand
pouch master general?

They look exactly like that.

Doesn't look like they're
here to haggle.

- Time to go.
- And we're shuffling,

and they're working together,
and they're cutting us off,

- and they're here.
- Nice work, Tav.

What's up with all
the fist bumping?

This is not a w*apon!

It is a living being
who does not want...

Who's taking me? You?

You? Ah, we'll figure it out.

Thanks, Lana.
It's been... a delay?

But I'd like to explode now.

Well, all that's left
is for you to pay us

and we'll leave
this portion of the galaxy...

Oh-ho-ho.
You're not going anywhere.

I have a thing
about loose ends.

Is that why you have
so many straps?

Seriously, are you on your way
to tie down a blimp?

Hey!
Time to leave.

We tend to frown on

threatening
waiters with knives.

Sir, we're handling this.

Oh, is that right,
Tycho Brahe?

Astronomy burn!

Come on, did the groundwork
for Copernicus.

Had a metal nose.
Tycho Brahe.

Ooh, long way to go
for that one.

Hey, assholes.
If he dies, he explodes!

Well, you should have
led with that!

Oh, we're so sorry!

God damn it.

I think they usedyour stick thing!

It's called a quarterstaff.

Fine, they usedyour quarterstaff.

You have a g*n!

We can lay low herefor a while.

Aww, cheer up, dude.

I bet you'll explode
before you know it.

Lana, you have snatched me
from my destiny.

Yeah, she is a huge buzzkill.

Look, I'm very partially
sorry about that.

But we're gonna figure out
what to do.

Can you stay here
for just a few minutes?

Oh, great.
I've waited thousands of years

so what's a few minutes?

- That's a yes, right?
- Yes.

So... what do we do?

Oh!
Oh, not this.

Just thought of another name
for Spaghetti Vacation.

If you tell it to me, Pam,
I will literally k*ll you.

Call it a one-way vacation
to the void.

- Wait, that's something.
- k*lling Pam?

I was joking, but if you've
got a good reason

- I would...
- No, these depotsall

have a cargo railgun.

- They're insanely powerful.
- So?

So we put him in it,

aim it up out of
the galactic plane,

and radio the order
when he's at a safe distance.

We'd have to get there
without those g*ons

intercepting us.

Seems tough.
They're very cool.

They're not that cool.

Okay, let's ask him.

Ha!

Teach you to lock me
in a room.

Because I locked you
in a room! Ha-ha!

Are you guys getting that?

I can't see if the irony
is landing.

Why not open the door
and check?

I can't, I smashed it.

Okay, bye.

Okay, bye.
We're gonna die.

If we are, there's something
I need you guys to know.

"Ravioliday"!

Worth it.

I am ready.

Take me!

You may have some
unhealthy associations

with sex and death.

Duh-hoi.

Uh-huh.

So you know
you don'thave any junk, right?

Well, if you give me a
momentl'm sure I can grow one.

Why don't you make it two.

That was...

My God!

Ugh! It's gonna be one of those.

How can sensations that
majestic and world shattering

be contained in such strange
dangly skin-bags?

Did the world shatter for
you in the first ten seconds,

the second ten seconds,
or huh, no other options!

Both!
Benefit of two, I suppose.

But, oddly, I find a limpid
rush of passion in myself,

and I must tell you...
Sorry, what was your name?

There's some debate on that.

Well, whatever it is,
I love you.

Yes, well... nap.

Can you at least tell me
to detonate?

God, can you stop
your dumb mouth

from talkingso I can sleep!

Okay.

Well, I'm gonna destroy you
all now.

As long as it's quiet! Rude!

What did you just do?

I don't know.
I wasn't listening either.

Unfortunately, we were,

and there are some things
you can't unhear.

Yeah, like why was it
so squelchy?

- Well...
- Nope!

Where did he go?

Who?

Let's see.
Let's wind the footage back

to the moment
they left the cantina...

Pff.
Cantina?

Barely a saloon.

Or that.

Last one to grab him buys tacos?

Ugh!
Set me up the whole way.

Ugh... Respect.

We got to go!

Give me a minute!

I think I was
just dead a little!

♪ Sometimes
you just need a g*n ♪

Damn that's catchy.

Cheryl got out!
And ruined everything.

That second part
probably goes without saying.

How can you be
so incompetent?

Well, seeing as how you let
a glue-sniffing

human death wish
escape a closed vessel,

maybe we're even!

Even? Who paid for
your first "massage"

when you ran out of cash?

Not to get in the middle
of your Freudian nightmare,

but just get Krieger ready
with his weapons,

and meet us outside the ship!

Way ahead of you.

Are you?

Hate to be a pest
but could you say,

"Please Detonate?"

- Uh, no thank you.
- Ah-ha!

Fantastic.
And now this is happening.

Let's go!

Ow.

Nice sh**ting, Tex,
but if you k*ll him,

nobody gets tacos.

Oh, hi guys.

Oh, hi.
They're from the ship.

Yep. We are here to stop you.

Is that a kimono?

These are experimental
prototypes.

I call g*n!
Big g*n, here.

That leaves Pam
the temporary...

Don't need it, d*ck-nuts.

- My body is a w*apon.
- Speaking of which.

The temporary
singularity grenade?

Why would you make that?

Why not just give usan
ancient horn that summons

Cthulhu's older,
shittier step-brother?

Well, it imprinted on younow,
so no one else can use it.

Seems like a needless precaution.

So where do you think they are?

I find it's good practice to
follow the sound of g*nf*re.

That hadn't happened yet!

Oh, suppressing fire!

Ah, ah, ah!

Yelling "suppressing fire"
kind of defeats the point.

We're supposed to think
you're aiming at us.

You know what, actually,
I'm saying it to my teammates,

so they know.

Ah-ah-ah!

Admit you underestimated me.

Get off my head, you bitch!

They're actually
doing okay.

I might have a tiny
bitmore respect for them.

Don't ever tell them
I said that.

There is so much
so deeply wrong with you.

And you married me.

Doesn't reflect great on you.

Aww, can I keep him?

How long before they notice...

"We're-we're gone,"
is what I was gonna say.

So what's all this then?

Cargo railgun, we sh**t you,

transmit signal, boom.

- Oh, finally.
- Wait, where's Pam?

The invisible fist.

That could be my code name.

So what do you say,
I'm your scrappy apprentice,

and you're mygruff-but-loveable...

Ahhh! Ow!

I'll think about it.

Oh, that is good pouchwork.

Get in there.
We'll send the "please det..."

Archer, come on.

Whoops, that would
have been hilarious.

We'll send you the message

once you're out
of the galactic plane.

Ahh!
Jesus, Archer.

You ever look
before you sh**t?

Sometimes.

Don't hit Mr. Deadly!

Yeah, aiming at you guys.

Thanks for being
so conscientious.

You saved me.

You overcame your simple
biological impulse to live.

Just tryingto do what's right.

Jesus Christ, lady!

Don't call me lady!

Well, have a nice death.

Just give me the receiver
so you can transmit the order.

- The what?
- It's a cargo container.

Do you want me to bring along
string and a can?

g*dd*mn it.

Oh, so now you're
a gesture expert.

Whoa, smells like
stir-Friday in here.

Why did you do that?

I need to feel their blood
on my... ah.

Ohh, this is the best
I've ever felt.

Yeah, you're probably
gonna want to check into rehab.

Like immediately.
You forgot this.

I came as quick as I could.
You know, after they d*ed.

You are a paragon of bravery.

All right,
let's sh**t you into space.

- One moment.
- Oh, come on!

Lana's act of selflessness
inspired me.

She was willing to give
her life for others,

and that gives me
the courage to change.

I choose life.

I guess this means
no tacos.

Is that supposedto be a joke?

I didn't mean to make
it weird.

How's this for weird?

Please detonate.

- No!
- Don't detonate!

I think my change of heart
may have diffused me.

Only now do I see that

when one's purpose is evil,
achieving that...

Archer, you've gotto use this.

I don't want to be
eternal spaghetti, Lana.

For once, think of anyone
other than yourself.

Aghh! Fine!

- I'm alive!
- We're alive!

Close one, right guys?

Yeah, great.

I think I twisted my ankle.
Thanks, Lana.

So where exactly
did they go?

It's semi-random,

but I could try
to back-calculate it...

I'd kind of prefer to not know

if we wiped out
several thriving

and culturally complex
civilizations.

- Yeah, I mean, me too.
- All right.

We don't know that was us.