12x01 - Identity Crisis

[bunniefuu]

# #

Saviors of the frickin' world.

Whoo!

[cheers and applause]

# #

[cheers and applause continue]

And that's what

would have happened.

If you had hired

Cloudbeam marketing.

- Hi.

- But you didn't.

- So it didn't.

- Which is why you're broke.

- No judgment.

- Really? Because I judge it.

- Said our largest expense.

- Hey, alcohol is a group expense!

Seems like we should

have cut alcohol

- before our health plan.

- Eh, vodka disinfects cuts.

Well, I miss

my dark science budget.

- The hell is dark science?

- It's basically science but darker.

I'm sad the wall art's gone.

It riled my loins.

- What doesn't rile your loins?

- Enough!

We're not here to waste time

or prison toilet scotch.

We're here because

these ranting buffoons

think they can solve our problems.

One of her better introductions.

Real talk? The espionage

climate has changed.

Your old spy model

just doesn't work.

Hello, dinosaur?

Meet asteroid.

- But that's where we come in.

- Hello, dinosaur? Meet marketing.

[gasps] Are they turning us

into a dinosaur?

Honestly, I don't know,

but I'm lovin' it.

Simple version: We can synthesize

your messaging to encourage

BOTH:

Multitier client sourcing.

- [gasps]

- Wow, did that just happen?

- That was the simple version?

- Wait.

Does this mean

we're sh**ting people again?

- Maybe. If we had b*ll*ts.

- We sold the b*ll*ts?

- Yeah, we're boned.

- No, we're not.

Yes, the government

denied our heroism

and withheld payment.

And yes,

contracts have been drying up,

but I know better things

are right around the

[lights crackling]

Around the

[power whirs down]

Damn it!

Around the what?

Ass?

[main title theme]

# #

- Your entire process is outdated dirt.

- But dirt with potential.

- A nutrient-rich loam.

- Is there life on Mars?

- BOTH: Definitely.

- Oh-ho, man.

You keep doing

this fun marketing banter

and I'm gonna need

to sit on a sandbag.

You need to get out of the dark

ages of the espionage industry.

I mean, do you even use

Global Spy Wire?

Exactly how many beats of silence

- are you sh**ting for?

- You're not on GSW?

It's only the online

marketplace for spy jobs.

- Like the classifieds?

- [laughter] Extra! Extra!

Spy master uses outdated media!

Aw, jeez, don't raise

the prices, Mr. Pulitzer.

BOTH: "Newsies"!

My god, this is what it's come to.

Hocking my paintings for rent money

and taking business advice

from theater school flunkies.

- I was economics.

- [scoffs] Folklore and mythology.

Why would we use want ads?

- Our phone is ringing off the hook.

- Well, actually,

it has been pretty quiet lately.

Okay, real talk?

The phone is broken.

- Since when?!

- A few months ago?

I don't know. I'd call someone

to fix it, but, you know.

- This is why you need Cloudbeam.

- To buy us a new phone?

To help you, the little guy,

compete with the big

spy conglomerates like IIA.

IIA, pfft.

Soulless vultures.

- Nice uniforms, though.

- I heard they bought Odin,

fired everyone,

then made them reapply

- for their own jobs at half pay.

- That's bullshit.

You can't just fire someone

for no reason.

It would have happened

to me by now.

What's next? Do you fire

someone for breaking a phone

when she was smashing a ladybug

over and over?

Uh, okay, look.

Maybe these guys have a point.

- About us being dirt?

- About us needing help to compete.

My reputation as the world's

greatest spy only goes so far.

Especially since that's

a pre-coma reputation.

- Said pre-nut-tap Cyril.

- What?

- Aaaaah!

- Uh, sorry I'm late.

Robert and I got into another

huge fight about

- About whether or not we'd care?

- Ugh, actually, sort of.

- It all started when

- Wanted ads?

- Is that all you've got?

- [laughs] Hardly.

You also need a strong brand,

and that starts with a good name.

Think of something

people already love.

- Then spice it up with a spy angle.

- Ooh! a**l b*ll*ts!

And that feels like

a good place to stop.

Thank you for your interest,

but we simply don't need Cloudbeam.

Fair enough, but I have a feeling

we'll be hearing from you soon.

Yeah, hearing you scream

our names from the rooftops.

BOTH: "Kaya, Alton, save us!

Save us!"

[laughter]

Anybody else got an eerie feeling

they might be right?

Nonsense,

there's nothing they said

that we can't do ourselves.

Pam, Cheryl, you two

are our new marketing team.

- Brand us.

- [gasps] I'll get my tools.

- I think she means with a name, cowboy.

- We'll give her options.

As for new jobs, we'll start

with small missions on GSW,

- get a good rating, and slowly

- Sign up for the most lucrative job

- on Global Spy Wire, boom.

- "Rival bounty situation.

"Cash on delivery of the package.

Multiple bidders."

- Wha No money up front?

- But big money in back.

We'll be drinking non-swill

from non-plastic in no time.

Idiot!

Do you realize how competitive

- this contract will be?

- Now that I'm involved? Very.

We can't afford this mission.

We can barely afford the flight.

And your testicles can't afford

another cane tap.

- Ah!

- Ugh, let's do it.

After the morning I've had

with Robert, I'd go anywhere.

- Preferably somewhere with

- ARCHER: A giant heap of rat sh*t.

- Seriously, Cyril?

- Oh, wait, there's also a pile of rat sh*t

under here, which means

we're looking at

a men's room/women's room

situation.

This was the nicest place

we could afford.

I'm trying to save our funds.

Not an issue because

I spent all the funds on trânt.

- Who the hell is trânt?

- You mean what is trânt.

It's Moldovan folk wrestling,

and it's fantastic.

You lost all our money gambling

on regional martial arts?

No, my guys won,

but then I had to buy drinks.

It'll be fine.

Here are the briefing papers.

- Double-sided? How poor are we?

- You just spent all of our money.

Yeah, on memories

that will last a lifetime.

Two days ago,

mercenaries kidnapped this man,

known as the Professor.

And that thing is a prototype

for an ionic fusion device.

Ionic fusion device?

What is that?

- An expensive macguffin in a life full of them.

- According to our sources,

he's being moved out of the country

in a few hours on this highway.

We worked all of our contacts

to get this tip,

so our only advantage is this

one piece of information

that none of the big agencies have.

- Greetings, and welcome to Moldova.

We'd like a free bottle

of scotch and directions

to a hall of trânt that

takes bets on credit.

- And a room with less rat feces?

- Forgive me for intruding.

My name is Fabian Kingsworth.

I am head of IIA.

Well, well, well.

The competition.

[laughs] I guess your tiny

agency is competition for IIA

the way coffee

is competition for cocaine.

Yeah, I mean, sure.

I mean, what do you want?

- We're sort of mid-mission here.

- I just wanted to stop by

to get a chance to meet

the Sterling Archer.

I was delighted

to learn you were not dead

but, rather, alive

as a mere shadow of your former self.

Well, looks like

you're chasing shadows,

- since we got here first.

- First? [laughs]

We set up our command center

weeks ago.

And of course, our satellites

are always overhead.

Which works slightly better

than a guy on a roof with binoculars.

- Oh, yeah? Well, we have

- A guy on a roof?

No. Something way better than that.

[thunder booming]

Cold-ass pouring rain.

Cheap-ass binoculars.

[electricity sparking]

That.

[laughs]

I'm rooting for you, Archer.

Like when you see

a beetle on its back,

legs kicking and flailing, not

knowing that he's already dead

as the shadow of a giant

elegant bird falls over him.

- I am that bird.

- At which point,

the beetle hops up and eats the bird!

Ah!

[sighs]

Why build on his metaphor?

And what beetle eats birds?

- Jesus, your forearms are like bowling pins.

- Yes, well, uh [clears throat]

I should get going.

I'm sorry.

It's emotional meeting someone

I used to look up to.

There is no way

we're losing to that assh*le.

Starting now, we stay one

no, make it two steps

ahead of him.

- Cyril, note that.

- I'm not mission secretary.

- Then what are you?

- Hey, two step,

- Fabian planted a bug on your shoulder.

- Damn it!

Oh!

Why won't this break when you

Just gonna save us some time.

Okay, new plan:

We follow Kingsworth

and sabotage him and his team

in a super humiliating way.

Archer, we are not risking

this mission and our

lives so you can b*at

a better version of yourself.

He is not better.

He said he looked up to me.

- Actually, he said he used to.

- I know what he said!

Y'all!

I just saw a caravan of

BOTH: IIA vehicles.

We know.

Well, nice to know my pneumonia

and near electrocution was worth it.

Shut up. Here's the plan.

Ray, find their command center.

Way ahead of you.

They got a jillion cars

over at the

Moldovan bloom hotel.

Okay, Lana and I will follow IIA.

You two stay back here

and pretend

that I'm still with you

so the bug hears it.

And just how

are we gonna do that?

Just pretend we're talking

and do an impression of me.

What, like

"My name's Archer.

"I'm an egomaniac

who endangers every mission

"with my self-serving narcissism.

Also, I'm inebriated

almost 24 hours a day."

Ha!

That was pretty good, actually.

Lose the "almost"

and then take it again.

Alright!

We can do this.

We're just as good as Cloudbeam.

So espionage names,

espionage names

Oh, I got it.

S.P. Nosh.

Sure, if you're planning on opening

- a spy-themed delicatessen.

- Hmm.

What would Kaya and Alton do?

"Hey, everything here is old as dirt!"

- "Dirt with potential!"

- "Edible dirt!"

"Loud words and fake laughter!"

[laughter]

So break for lunch?

LANA: Ugh, I can't believe

I'm asking you this.

Oh, god.

Look, Lana, I'm flattered.

So just make it quick.

[zipper unzips]

- What? I am not asking to blow you.

- Then open with that.

- God, this is already hard enough.

- Phrasing.

- Ugh, forget it.

- No, sorry, go ahead.

You can't believe

you're asking this, but

But [sighs] when you live

with someone who annoys you,

how do you address it

without causing conflict?

Hmm, have you tried making

them eat a bowl of spiderwebs?

[cell phone buzzing]

What do you want, Pam?

No, there's already a company

called "Spies with thighs."

They're PIs.

They're good guys.

- How may I help you?

- Yes, my name is Chet Manley,

and my wife, Betty, right here

just found a severed thumb

in our bidet.

- Can we please see a manager?

- Oh, my! Yes, just one moment.

There, a block of suites for IIA.

20th floor.

- [clears throat]

- What?

I want to talk to the manager

about that thumb.

Might get a free drink ticket

out of it.

Our target will cross route 90

at 1400 hours.

Per usual, if you're late,

the minutes will be

taken out of your

paid family leave time.

[people groan]

And a reminder:

b*llet rationing is still in effect.

That's $5 per b*llet

that misses the target.

I'm looking at you, Andy.

b*llet penalties?

Ha! Suckers.

Well, at least

they can afford b*ll*ts.

[speaking Moldovan]

[speaking Moldovan, laughs]

Once en route, there's no exit

for 80 kilometers.

All right?

We head out in ten.

Ten?

We gotta go if we're gonna

Do the insanely stupid thing

of sabotaging IIA

instead of just b*ating them

to the punch?

You know what else

seemed insanely stupid?

- Betting on folk wrestling.

- Sure was.

But I had a great time, Lana.

Congrats on the wedding.

Hope it works out better for you

than it did for Lana here.

Whoa, Boerl & Kroff?

Now I see why you couldn't

afford a suite.

RAY: Well, Archer, you're in charge.

What's our next move?

CYRIL: The plan is, we stay here

and wait for instructions, dipshit.

[laughter]

[clears throat]

Uh, hey, guys.

Uh, should we order

some room service?

Ugh, god forbid you skip a meal and your

breasts shrink to a B-cup.

[snickers]

God, sometimes I think my entire

life is just sneaking around.

Do you ever wonder if you,

ugh, I don't know,

- made the wrong choice?

- Like how I should've

brought Ray with me

instead of you? Constantly.

- I mean in a relationship.

- I wouldn't call this a relationship.

Not with you!

With Robert!

Oh, yeah, that seems terrible.

But is it?

I mean, I do love him.

- But other times, I'm just like, ugh.

- Yeah, like during old man sex?

How's it work if you both

just lie there?

- LANA: Shh! Guards.

- ARCHER: No, employees.

Hey, dickheads,

I'm gonna steal that Humvee.

You better sh**t me.

[g*nf*re]

Oof, 20 b*ll*ts

and none in my body?

What is that, 100 bucks?

[g*nf*re]

Ha-ha! 200 bucks.

You're basically working for

Aah! Okay, 195.

[exciting music]

[blows landing]

# #

[air hissing]

Okay, we'll disable their vehicles,

- then go pick up the others.

- With our new helicopter.

- Archer, you can't fly a helicopter.

- Being in a coma

didn't make me less

of a helicopter pilot, Lana.

You never knew

how to fly a helicopter!

Well, then we're both right.

- I'm not getting in that!

- Great.

Grab us a Humvee

and I'll race you to the hotel.

Whoo-hoo!

Oh! Oh, sh*t. Oh, god.

Ah-ha-ha! Whoo-hoo!

Sorry.

Not a political statement.

Just an accident.

Well, maybe you'd have

a better job

if you didn't have such a

debilitating confidence issue!

And what about you, Ray,

you dipshit?

You live in a studio apartment

filled with mid-century

- craftsman doghouses and no dog.

- A: They're Queen Anne's.

B: Dogs would ruin them.

And C: I'll k*ll you!

- CYRIL: What the hell is this?

- A helicopter? Get in!

Yeah, I'm good on the ground.

That's an option?

I'm also good on the ground.

ARCHER: Helicopter!

[tires screeching]

IIA has armored Humvees?

- Ooh. Ooooh.

- Yep. Butt warmers.

BOTH:

We should look into IIA.

[crow caws]

ARCHER: That's it, Sheila.

Nice and easy.

- You named the helicopter Sheila?

- No, the stick is Sheila.

The helicopter

is Dr. Whirlington Spinblade.

Okay, I have a visual on the target.

Semitruck, dead ahead.

You see that, Lana?

Step one: Take out IIA.

Step two: Get the scientists.

Step three: Profit.

And a haircut.

It's been, like, two weeks.

LANA: Congrats.

You accidentally didn't fail.

And got a free helicopter.

Um, how sure are you

that you finished step one?

[dramatic music]

# #

[g*ns cocking]

- Pretty sure.

- Ah! [g*nf*re]

So. Let's say, you're some rich,

fancy-pants company

who needs professional spy sh*t done.

Do you want the cold,

hard tile feel

of a big conglomerate like IIA?

Ha-ha! I'd rather k*ll myself

and take you with me.

Or do you want a boutique

agency that offers a warm,

- personal touch?

- Like a stranger's hand

on your side butt

in an airport shuttle.

When you need spies, you need

BOTH: Slugs-n-jugs!

Pew, pew, pew.

[sighs]

I told you we should've gone

with the back and spyin' center.

That's why I think our company

would make

a great investment for

Oh, you can't

do this to me, Maurice.

You just can't. I

Hello?

[line beeps]

Damn it!

Think, Malory. Think.

No, not that.

Think harder.

[sighs]

Fine.

[phone beeps, line rings]

[g*nf*re]

[dramatic music]

Can you not?

I'm still learning here.

# #

RAY: Dukes!

Butt warmers

and bulletproof windows?

I mean

ARCHER: Jesus, they sprung

for tracers? That's good prep.

I almost feel bad about

my inevitable triumph.

Triumph?

I've been sh*t twice.

LANA: Archer, you want

to help me down here,

or you just gonna watch me

get rammed from behind?

That one was intentional, right?

- LANA: Archer!

- I'm coming.

Also intentional.

[cell phone buzzes]

- What?

- PAM: Hey, Lana.

What about Spies & Dolls?

Well, what does

the doll part mean?

CHERYL: Maybe we leave behind

a creepy doll on every mission.

PAM: You know what?

We'll call you back.

- CYRIL: What are you doing?

- ARCHER: What does it look like, Cyril?

I'm using the helicopter blades

to slice open the top of the truck.

Helicopter!

Uh-oh. Apparently helicopters

don't like it when you do that.

- Keep it together, Dr. Spinblade.

- Ah, damn it, I'm stuck.

I'm not leaving without you, Cyril.

Ha, I need something soft

to land on.

[both scream and grunt]

[expl*si*n]

Ah, god damn it, Cyril.

What good is your pillowy

beef-suit of a torso

if you don't position

yourself under me?

[g*nf*re]

Hey, I see that scientist guy

down there with the thingy

and three check that,

one alive kidnapper.

[g*nf*re]

Damn it, I'm out.

Oh, wait, no, I'm not.

Man, IIA's got good taste in g*ns.

- FABIAN: You got that right.

- What? Who the hell is that?

FABIAN: The guy who wants

to offer you a way out

- of your terrible job.

- How'd you get in my earpiece?

FABIAN: Do you guys seriously

not have satellite?

RAY: Satellite?

The microwave in our

break room has a rotary dial.

Silly rabbit.

Warlock six, engage!

Jesus!

Ray, sh**t out the tires.

[g*nf*re]

# #

God damn it, Pam!

[cellphone buzzes]

Hey, sh*t for brains, I'm busy.

Leave me the hell alone!

I just

I love you too.

Ah!

Krieger, you idiot.

Why didn't you build a cane

with the jaws of life?

[electronic beeping and whirring]

Ha! Look at that.

Cyril, climb into the cab of

the truck, overtake the driver,

- and get behind the wheel.

- Are you kidding me?

How the hell

do you want me to do that?

Squeeze your fat ass

into the cab of that truck

like there's a free box

of twinkies in there.

[grunts]

- Not so fast, punk.

- Oh, sh*t. Oh, god.

Hang on, I thought

I turned these off.

- MAN: Ah!

- [yelps]

- Sorry.

- Please don't hurt me.

Hurt you?

I'm here to rescue you.

[man groaning painfully]

Uh, ignore that ripped-apart guy.

[grunting]

I'm in! We did it!

We won!

Um

Lana, looks like we're coming up

on a checkpoint with a blockade.

Know anything about that?

That is the border

of Moldova and Transnistria.

Did you not read the briefing?

ARCHER: Who reads the back

of a two-sided briefing?

What the hell is Transnistri, Lana?

It's a tiny breakaway country

from Moldova

that is literally one side of the river.

Lovely people.

CYRIL: Here's a fun twist.

My brakes don't work.

That was me. I scrambled

the electronic braking system.

I'll just grab

the prototype and skedaddle.

- [shouts]

- Ope! I say.

Poor Archer.

So diminished.

He wouldn't make it

through the first round

- of screening at IIA.

- Don't try to convince me to join IIA

- by playing mind games, Fabian.

- You? Join the IIA?

At what feels like a quarter

of your former strength?

- How's this for a quarter strength?

- Yes, with the cane.

- But without it

- Whoa, oh! [grunts]

Oh!

[glass shatters]

Looks like I'll be

taking this after all.

- Good effort, Archer.

- Fabian!

God damn it, he's getting

away with the prototype.

sh*t.

We've got bigger problems, Lana.

He broke my cane.

And I was still learning

about its new features.

CYRIL: Um, guys?

[chuckles nervously]

- Still no brakes up here.

- If I may interject

LANA: God, you just had

to prove that you were

better than Fabian, which you

most obviously are not.

- It's not obvious to me.

- CYRIL: Guys?

If I may, that prototype

is useless without

the uranium glass gamma lens

I have in my pocket.

Plus, all the necessary

information is in my brain.

Ha, hear that, Lana?

See? There is one piece

of good news in all

Jesus Christ, Cyril, look out!

[truck horn]

[glass shatters]

[monitor beeping steadily]

He needed me,

and I let him down.

- He's strong. He'll make it.

- Oh-ho, boy.

- Not this coma sh*t again.

- Yeah, comas aren't

as entertaining

to watch as I hoped.

Hey, you guys ever do this to me?

[laughs]

- KRIEGER: Oh, god.

- PAM: Better believe it.

- [sustained beep, all gasp]

- LANA: Oh, absolutely.

Oh, sorry, Ms. Archer sold

my good life-support device.

This one's made out of a washing

machine and a leaf blower.

[phone rings]

Good morning, this is

- The Agency.

- LANA: Good enough.

- ARCHER: That wasn't bad.

- RAY: Don't hate it.

MAN: This is the client.

I need the scientist.

- I'll give you a million.

- Well, he is in a tiny, little coma.

- MAN: Make that 200,000.

- Or we defer payment

until he wakes up,

and at that time,

we'll require the entire reward,

plus his medical expenses,

10% for our troubles,

and a five-star review on GSW.

- Deal?

- MAN: Uh Deal.

- Uh, aren't we still super poor?

- As it happens,

the agency's purse strings

have loosened up a bit.

I was able to find us a new financier.

But no more

unnecessary expenses.

Wait.

Uh, is that a new crystal tumbler?

You're damn right.