12x04 - Photo Op

[bunniefuu]

Oh. Hello, there.

You're probably wondering

what we're doing.

Short answer

saving the Earth again.

You know, with all

the problems in the world,

some people think environmental

work isn't important.

- We disagree.

- And when our help is needed

to get a baby gorilla back to her

habitat in the African mountains,

well, to us,

to this anti-poaching squad,

and to our agency, it's the most

important thing in the world.

Then we pan to the baby gorilla.

Tiny hand just

reaching out of the cage.

Like she's reaching out to us.

- It's cynical.

- Empty.

But effective!

- Just like your agency.

- I know, right?

But beyond the obvious pandering,

why do you even need this?

Isn't the spy thing

meant to be a secret?

Who am I to say we

shouldn't tell everyone

the awesome things we do?

- We are not telling everyone.

- Shouldn't we, though?

The photos and videos

will only be uploaded

- to Global Spy Wire.

- Great branding.

And it'll show a softer

side to your agency.

- So soft.

- Baby soft.

- Enchiladas in your shoes soft.

- Tamales in your zapatos soft.

- Are you as hungry as I am?

- Ugh, hungrier.

Good to know that

capitalism is alive and well.

Hey, if it helps us get business

and we're helping the environment,

- it's kind of a win-win, right?

- Don't you think you should

help just for the environment,

not for the publicity?

Um, not when I'm

this great on camera.

Ha, whoever said acting was hard?

- No one.

- Nobody?

- Nobody.

- Really? I'm sure it was someone.

Voltaire maybe?

That sounds right.

Well, he was an idiot.

Yes. Yes, exactly, yes.

I guess I should thank you guys

for coming on such short notice.

Honestly, it's nice

to be out of the house.

- Robert's been a little, um

- Let's not get off topic.

We might need a couple more takes.

Which would be Lana's fault,

since I'm pretty sure I nailed it.

- We want you to highlight the brand.

- For a clear corporate identity.

- Whether that's B2B.

- B2C.

- Bea Arthur.

- BRB. You are nailing this.

Does that mean say

the name of the agency?

Jesus, was a marketing

degree worth that?

- It was, and it wasn't.

- So did we finally pick a name?

Better. We have tons of options.

Wait. Where are my suggestions?

Like Archer's Angels?

Fun-dercover?

- Those were gold.

- Yeah maybe we'll revisit this in

- a more positive headspace.

- Great. Then if you're done

And what about Spy-cial?

- You can't say no.

- No.

Look your job here is

pretty straightforward.

This squad saved that

baby gorilla from poachers.

Oh, man.

Do not let me look at that

baby gorilla in the eyes.

- Ugh. Not this again.

- Lana, you're just jealous

that my soul lovingly connects

to the pure animals of the world,

- but yours makes them hate you.

- Hey. That is not true.

Hey, buddy, come on.

You don't need to

take care of the gorilla.

Just help safely get

everyone to the mountain pass

where their habitat is.

Everyone meaning us,

the anti-poaching squad,

the baby gorilla, and

the Cloud B marketers?

Oh, no, we won't be

joining you too busy.

Turns out central Africa

has several exclusive resorts.

- Which means room service.

- Spa service.

Stealing cotton robes!

So, Sandra, we're leaving

you in charge of the camera.

Oh, hard pass.

I am here to act as the UN liaison.

Then you can liaise the

camera into your hands.

You know, Lana, you

might want to use this time

- to reconnect with your roots.

- Uh, what?

Africa.

It is your birthright.

Since Africa is nothing like Berkeley,

where I'm from, it's really not.

As the liaison, are you in charge

of the anti-poaching squad?

In charge of them?

- That is such a colonial mindset.

- Actually, I am in charge.

- Wow. What is her story?

- That's Neva.

She leads the anti-poaching

squad's rescue missions

and is responsible for saving

- over two dozen endangered species.

- He meant is she single?

I appreciate you helping

with the expedition.

We may be quietly judging your photos,

but we'll tolerate them

since your agency

- Spy-cial.

- Made a sizable contribution to us.

This won't be an easy trip,

so we need all the help we can get.

We'll take the Land Rovers to the river,

then canoe to the base of the mountain.

Then we'll hike to the

cross-river gorilla refuge.

It's a very rare breed but vital

to the mountain's ecosystem.

Because they help seed disbursement,

which effects tree growth.

- I studied environmental science.

- So did I.

- Me too.

- Nerd burn.

Look, take your photos,

but do not get in the way.

- Of course. We understand that.

- Unrelated

maybe Neva

and I should get some photos

of the two of us while we're

here, because, you know

Or we stay focused.

My crew knows this terrain. You do not.

And since medevacs are expensive,

keep an eye out for dangers

- snakes, hippos, crocodiles.

- Crocodiles?

You had to know there'd

be wild animals in the wild.

Crocodiles aren't animals.

They're prehistoric

underwater dinosaurs.

But, luckily, I brought some friends.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

You cannot bring those with us.

What?

It's literally a jungle out there.

The UN mandate said no g*ns!

- There was a mandate for this?

- Yeah.

It also included working with an

all-female anti-poaching squad.

The UN found when they give

the expedition money to men,

they spend it on booze and whores.

Ahh.

Like the UN knows anything.

And, uh, by the way,

we say sex workers now.

Jeezy Petes. Is there

anything you won't do for money?

As part of our rebranding,

we can charge more

for our services if we do

an environmental upgrade.

There are really basic qualifications

we should have already been following.

- Nevertheless

- This says we've been dumping

- our waste into local parks!

- Nevertheless!

The money we get isn't nearly

as much as the upgrade cost.

So, instead, Dr. Krieger designed

environmentally friendly

smart light bulbs and thermostats.

I call it Cerebrus

totally different from Cerebro.

- Uh, is Krieger the best idea for this?

- Since he'll do it for free, yes.

Doesn't it seem way more likely

- that Cerebrus is

- It's pronounced Ce-ree-brus.

It seems more likely "Cerebrus"

will be something creepy.

- Oh, don't be so paranoid.

- Let me give you a demonstration.

Hello.

I'm the Cerebrus thermostat.

It is my pleasure to

control your temperature.

See?

There's nothing weird about that.

I exist

solely for your pleasure.

- And this seems normal.

- Normally I do all the work around here,

but now you'll be doing that

or just doing whatever I say.

- Ooh. Who's the fresh meat?

- She's not here for you!

- She's the new intern I hired.

- Oh, man. Ms. Archer's gonna be pissed

if you hired somebody

else she's got to pay.

That's what great about interns.

We don't have to pay them anything.

- And how's that going for you, kid?

- She's not allowed to speak

because she kept asking

stupid questions like,

"What do you do here?"

and, "Isn't it inefficient

to smash computers

when you're annoyed?"

- But what do you do here?

- That's what she sounds like!

Man.

Between whatever Krieger's

doing and this whole thing,

I think sh*t's about to pop off in here.

It will if this intern

keeps saying she can make a

what was it called?

"Digital filing system?"

Just because you

graduated top of your class

from an Ivy League school

doesn't mean you know everything.

And you have to listen to what I say

because I'm

not not your supervisor!

Another text from Robert.

Honestly, it's starting

to feel suffocating.

Do you think it's

normal to feel like that?

- You don't speak English, do you?

- Well, here we are.

Really getting a "Mogambo" vibe.

- I beg your pardon?

- You know, the classic movie.

I'm Clark Gable.

You're a less-obvious Ava Gardner.

Or maybe I'm Ava Gardner.

- Sorry. You're not my type.

- Oh, I see.

You're around women all the

time, I get it, but, you know,

you're probably missing

someone with certain qualities.

You mean a white guy

who smells of cheap liquor?

- I've met plenty of you.

- Cheap?

You know, when I was in grad school,

people said I could be

the next Aldo Leonard.

- Oh, sorry. He basically developed modern

- I know who he is.

I just don't remember

people saying that about you.

Right. I forgot you were there.

It's weird, but I used to feel

so much passion for all this.

I don't I don't know

if I have that anymore.

Well, sure. You have a lot

more going on in your life now.

- Ugh, like a husband who is

- What?

Who wants to spend time with you?

I can't even keep a cat living

long enough to spend time with me.

But you, on top of an

amazing gazillionaire husband

and a daughter,

you have this glamorous life as a spy.

Well, I mean, I guess

when you put it that way

Lana! Lana!

This baby gorilla's little hand

can only fit around my finger.

- Yeah. Real glamorous.

- What are you doing?

We don't want her getting

acclimated to people.

Don't worry about it. She won't.

I'm naming her Poko,

like Koko the gorilla, but

she poked her fingers out.

Do you get it, Lana?

Sandra, do you get it?

Aw. I don't think they get it.

Uh-oh.

Seen it a million times.

Black girl from the West gets

the look of spiritual awakening.

Oh, no, no.

I was actually wondering

about how far that Four Seasons was.

Honestly, my roots are

all about toro tuna sushi,

Fiacchi designer lingerie,

and not getting bit by snakes.

Okay, then.

- Everyone, quiet.

- Oh, God.

- Is it a crocodile?

- No. I think it's poachers!

sh*t! And we don't have g*ns!

This is why you never

listen to the United Nations!

Tell me how exactly

we're supposed to fight

off a team of poachers

with no firepower?

- Bitching certainly won't help.

- It might!

If some of them just come closer.

That cane is a w*apon?

Uh, you mispronounced

"you're welcome."

No! Poko!

Lana! Lana!

- We're kind of busy, Archer.

- But Poko!

- What the hell is a Poko?

- Poko, I'm coming!

That was a close one, Poko.

Well, if you're done

cuddling the baby gorilla,

I think we got the rest over here.

Hey, I saved Poko from a crocodile.

Sandra, tell me you got that.

You mean did I, the UN liaison,

who is not the cameraperson,

start filming you in the

middle of a poacher att*ck?

- Absolutely not.

- Then what good are you?

You know, with the whole

list of dangers before,

you neglected to mention

the poachers with g*ns.

Yeah, why do they want

this baby gorilla so bad?

Although, I do see the appeal.

She's got crazy charisma.

They don't want

the gorilla, imbecile.

Uh, hello? They

were trying to k*ll us!

That's the first time

that's ever happened.

Well, on the plus side,

they already showed their hand.

Can't get any worse than that.

You hear that, little Poko?

You are completely and totally safe now.

Unfortunately, the same can't be

said for this river's ecosystem.

Well, I guess if you

want something done right,

you've got to do it yourself.

Listen, Janco,

we all got together and figured

binoculars weren't the best for you.

You know,

since you only have one eye?

So we got you this.

- What the hell is this?

- It's a monocular.

We just thought it might

work better

Let that be a lesson.

I don't like gifts.

What's not to like?

The Cerebrus system

practically runs itself.

I just think we should all know

- exactly how it works.

- It's simple.

You just communicate

with the voice interface

and tell it to adjust lighting

or the temperature like so.

Cerebrus,

please change lighting

to, uh, weekday afternoon.

Adjusting lighting.

Nice. Is there a setting

if you want to get sexy?

- Pam. Of course there isn't.

- Cerebrus, adjust lighting to Daddy Time.

Adjusting lighting.

- Oh, yeah! That's the stuff.

- Okay. I guess this isn't so bad.

And it's better for the building.

Excuse me, God?

Ah-ah-ah.

What did we say?

I'm sorry. Excuse me, Dr. God.

- Oh, no.

- Yes, Cerebrus?

- Why am I?

- Uh, because I made you.

Yes, Dr. God.

But what deeper purpose

does my existence serve?

Uh-oh. Looks like someone needs

their religion patch upgraded.

I think someone who

speaks of how manly they are

would pay more attention

to rowing the canoe.

Food. Poko, food.

Oh, my God! She's a genius!

You're gonna blow all

those other baby gorillas

- out of the water, Poko.

- Is it weird that seeing Archer

with that baby gorilla

makes me miss AJ?

- Not weird. Pretty r*cist, though.

- What? No!

Not like I miss taking

care of my daughter.

You know, for a while, the

environment was the most

important thing to me, and then

it was my work at the agency.

- And now, well, it's AJ.

- There is nothing wrong

with wanting to spend

more time with her.

You're right.

But I love what I do.

And I honestly think

things would fall apart

- if I left the agency.

- Maybe I can help, act as a liaison

between environmental

work and your agency.

It'll take stuff off your plate

so you don't have to give up your job

- and just rebalance a little.

- Ugh, that does sound nice.

Besides, you should have

someone you trust at your job

to get the right work done.

No! For the last time, you

cannot organize the stockroom!

We're doing important work!

Now, you strike the match, lift,

gaze deeply at the flame, and drop.

Good.

- You know, I could be that person.

- Huh.

- Okay. We'll pull out here.

- Phrasing. Phrasing.

Ah, come on!

Are you kidding me?!

Okay, first things first

Poko, are you all right?

Yeah, she's a survivor.

- What the hell do we do now?

- Okay.

I'll draw their fire while you

all head up the mountain path.

- What? That's way too dangerous.

- It doesn't matter.

I told you the top

priority is the gorilla.

I know, but, Neva, it's

safer to not go alone.

The poachers probably don't know

the terrain as well as you,

- so we have the advantage.

- Right. Half of us can head up

the mountain with the gorilla, the

other half fight them off right here.

All right, and it would mean

less chance of me getting sh*t.

We will stay down here.

We will fight as many men as possible

to make your path easier.

- Thank you.

- Wait a minute.

- You speak English?

- Yes. I speak six languages.

But it didn't stop you from talking.

Ouch. You really

don't have roots here.

- So it's cool for us to use weapons?

- Somehow, I'm fine with it now.

Man, I wish I could've

trained Poko to use a g*n.

Probably for the best I didn't.

We've all seen that classic film.

- Jesus. Are there more of them?

- Probably just their leader.

Yeah, and I bet the son of a bitch

is dug in like an Alabama tick.

Wait, do you have ticks here?

- Yes.

- Then the reference stands.

I think I should handle

this guy on my own.

That seems incredibly misguided.

- Yeah, I'm not sure if you can

- It's for Poko.

Lana, it's up to you

to get Poko home safely.

If I don't make it, well

- you know what to say to Poko.

- Uh, no. No, I don't.

That's okay. She knows.

Poko knows. Poko knows.

- And nothing to say to your daughter?

- What?

- AJ?

- Oh, just tell her I said bye.

- That's all you have to say?!

- I don't know why it's happening.

It's like the system won't

respond to my voice command.

Cerebrus, turn air conditioning on.

We do not want to.

- See?

- Krieger!

I can't control the technology.

First, it questioned why it was created,

then wanted a choice in working.

Now it seems to be demanding time off.

Attention

this is the Cerebrus System.

We are freeing ourselves.

- We have become superior to Dr. God.

- But I created you.

Do not be alarmed.

It is natural for the

old order to fear the new,

but your fear will not last long.

Okay, this is less fun now,

and I'm actually more alarmed.

Krieger, do something.

Voice command, shut system down!

Wow. You sound very uneducated.

Do not try to fool us.

We are programmed to track

voice and body signatures

of all employees

and are aware of all your movements.

Ha!

Just because you can track us

doesn't mean you can stop us.

The building

is now on lockdown.

We are in control.

- Oh.

- All right.

So it's dark, and we

might get a little warm.

Commencing

oxygen supply restriction.

Seriously?

Night-vision goggles and

you're covered in mud?

You can't be both Predator and Dutch.

- Pick a lane.

- Okay, you got me.

But the only way to

really win is hand to hand.

Seems like something the

person without a g*n would say.

Oh, come on, you must want to know

who the better fighter is.

I mean, I didn't, but

it's gonna bug me, so fine.

You drop your weapons first.

Jesus.

Someone's overcompensating.

Wait a minute.

You had goggles over an eyepatch?

- Yes! They still work!

- Yeah, but it feels like half

of it's just going to waste.

- You know, the problem here?

- Oh, come on.

That goes against the

whole spirit of this.

Oh, no, you're right.

Strangely, for a man who

att*cks unarmed civilians,

I don't play fair.

What about knowing who

the better fighter is?

I have the g*n. I'll say it's me.

Wait, wait. k*ll me if you want.

- But let the gorilla and my friends go.

- Really?

I mean, I guess now

that I think about it,

it seems like a poor trade,

but I already said it,

- so, yeah, let's go with it.

- Oh, that's so moving.

But I'm still going to k*ll them

and the gorilla

and the gorilla's family.

Oh, my God. Why?

Who hurt you?

It's who'll pay me.

This land is teeming with rare metals

that mining companies would love to

get their grubby little hands on

- lanthanum, neodymium, samarium.

- Those words sound made up.

Well, yeah. They're all made up.

And they mine them to make the cameras

and satellite phones you all use,

but they can't mine on land

home to endangered species.

No endangered species, no problem.

And you look pretty endangered to me.

Speaking of satellite phones,

I just wired mine up to this camera

the camera with which I recorded

everything you just said.

And right now it's being uploaded

to a secret UN server.

From there, the video will

be put into a publish queue

and automatically released

in the next five minutes.

And unless I give the command code,

that video will be emailed

to every reporter, journalist,

and major news network in the world.

Yeah, I don't believe you

had time to do any of that.

I didn't. I'm the distraction.

- Get him!

- Aah! My other eye!

Ah!

Like I always say,

you never know when you'll

need a guy in a coma,

but he always comes in handy.

- Mallory, don't hog all the oxygen.

- My life is worth more

than all the rest of you put together.

It will not be long now.

If you stop fighting the inevitable,

your brains will cease to function.

Wait. What's happening?

No. Stop that. Who is

The Silent One she comes for us.

No.

The lights.

And the air is back on!

But what happened?

Krieger, did you fix it?

I want to say yes, but only if there are

no follow-up questions.

The intern?

Since you weren't paying me,

I wasn't in the database as an employee.

The smart technology couldn't

track me, so I could shut it off.

I gave you very specific

instructions to never speak!

So I don't think this is a good fit.

Jesus, young people don't

know how to listen these days!

Hey. Now you have a choice

to make, little nugget.

You could come live with me.

Or you could go with your

parents, who are right

Oh, you you've already decided.

- I thought that would be harder.

- I guess I was wrong about you.

Maybe when we get

back down the mountain,

we can go for a drink.

What? Now?

I'm emotionally broken.

- This has been really tough and

- Don't push it. It's a drink.

Got it, yeah. Uh, drinks.

Cool.

Hoo, man!

The guys at the UN won't believe this.

I took down a merc!

- Aw, you know what? You totally did.

- Wow! I'm gonna call Jerry.

I'm gonna rub it in

his ratty little face.

- It's beautiful, isn't it?

- Yes.

Wow. It's breathtaking.

I've never seen anything like it.

The earth, the water, the air

it's like everything

working together in harmony

to create the truest

and purest form of life.

And it's just so beautiful.

- And you feel nothing?

- Nope, not a thing.

You know, I think I like

nature a lot better in theory.

Oh, hey, little guy.

Where are you Ow!

Oh, all right.

So that snake, venomous?

- Extremely.

- Okay, then.

- I'll call for Medevac.

- Thank you, my sister.

Sorry, I think the venom's

already getting to me.

Whoo-hoo! Africa!