12x06 - Dingo, Baby, Et Cetera

[bunniefuu]

Sorry.

Slipped from my hand.

So we have a contract?

- A very lucrative contract.

- To go to Japan and eliminate

the assassin known as the Dingo,

with whom I believe

I've crossed paths before.

- Yes, dear.

- Excellent.

Well, I should prepare.

Colleagues.

- God, he really hates glasses now.

- Yeah.

Well, that went better than expected.

Jesus are you throwing up

from your soul?

Ugh. Yeah. Most of my

soul is actually in here now,

right next to the corn,

which I haven't eaten in a week.

Either you just dredged up

a painfully repressed memory,

or you ordered

the all-you-can-eat

day-old shrimp fry

from Cajun Casey's.

- Ugh. Yep, one of those.

- I can't resist it either.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Quick question:

What in the goddamned hell?

It says it was his

first mission as an agent.

The Dingo k*lled his first love

other than Ms. Archer, of course.

- Still gross.

- Still hot.

- Paging Dr. Oedipus.

- Why?

- Also, when did he become a doctor?

- And is he single?

Okay, refocusing!

It says here the Dingo may be

the most elusive person on the planet,

and Archer was never the

same after his first mission.

So he was a better spy

before all this happened?

- Well

- Okay, you're saying

you're glad he had this trauma

because it made him a great spy,

but now he needs to deal

with it to become a better spy?

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

But yes.

Sterling.

I've made these tapes

to prepare you for your first mission.

I could tell you all of this, of course,

but I might be otherwise occupied.

- So cool.

- Now, these won't be the standard methods,

but you were never top

of your class by the book.

You have something special:

intuition, feel.

And if you learn to trust it,

you'll come through just fine.

Oh, God. Ah!

Oh, my God.

I'm I spilled my drink!

Oh, God.

Okay, I get that.

Hm, yep.

Uh, two rooms for myself

and my rakishly handsome,

- yet somehow single, nephew, Sterling.

- I'll make a note.

"Weird, uncle-nephew relationship."

Uh, so, uh, what brings

you to the, uh, this hotel?

A bike. And a desire to not starve.

- You're uncle's a bit of a character.

- My, my what? Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, he's a handful.

- Or is "handful"

just what they call

a sleazebag in America?

Oh, come on.

He's not a bag of sleaze.

He's, you know,

more of a thin coating.

So this is my first time in Tokyo.

Uh, think you could maybe show

me around a little tonight?

Just think how funny it'll be

when you ditch me

at the bathhouse

after stealing my clothes.

Tell you what.

I'll think about it.

- Um, how how hard?

- Well, you tell me.

And phrasing.

Delightful.

You must find a way

to embrace the moment,

exist entirely within it.

The rest, the rest is easy.

So we just gonna stare

at the lobby of a hotel

we're not staying at like

the world's worst stalkers?

God damn it, Lana!

Do the words "complex inner journey"

- mean nothing to you?

- They mean something to me!

The mystery of human life.

The strangeness.

All the blood.

He took

"inner journey" literally!

Just drive, Metamucil.

Our mission is to

protect this man,

Tadashi Kodo, from an assassin

known as the Dingo.

Who is he?

Political freedom fighter?

Scientist?

- My secret father?

- The head of the yakuza.

Japanese organized crime?

Hard to feel like

the good guys on this one.

Good, bad,

these are just words.

But true evil is real.

Evil is what you call someone

who isn't paying you.

- Here, have a drink.

- Oh, no.

- I'm trying to stay sharp.

- Wouldn't recommend it.

- I've seen your training scores.

- Um, can we go back

to the McGinley

who thought I was great?

Let me put this delicately.

Your analytical mind

is not your strength.

- Wow. That did not feel delicate.

- First time never does.

Simply put, you need

to trust your intuition.

So what's a little frontal

lobe paralysis between friends?

All right.

But, you know, just this once.

That's what I always say.

Kanpai!

Well, if you're finished.

I'm never finished, Lana!

So you're welcome.

All right, shut up.

Let's get into this.

William Radken, ex-MI6,

now a freelance fixer.

The Dingo's gonna k*ll him.

Not our problem.

Yes! I love it when things

aren't our problem!

MI6.

Wonder how much training

they need

to fetch coffee for the CIA.

Aww, it's really humiliating

how they don't work

for their mom, right?

Krieger, you're here for comms

and surveillance tech.

And for my extensive

knowledge of Japanese culture.

Reading a couple dirty comics

doesn't make you an expert.

We need to stay close

to Willian and wait

for our moment

to neutralize the Dingo.

Which is why you should flirt

with and probably date William.

- Ooh, development!

- Quiet down. His room is next door.

And being that close

to an active target

- seems like a great way to die.

- Oh, come on.

At best,

it's a pretty good way to die.

And what are our other options here?

I could try to reanimate

and remote control a corpse.

That's always your plan.

Ugh, I'll get suited up.

So

to make you more comfortable

- I should go change.

- Uh, why?

Glengoolie Blue, neat.

Better make it a double

after that bullshit.

Is it bullshit season already?

Yeah.

Fly you a few thousand miles

- to tell you they're not ready to decide.

- Same as it ever was.

But it does tend

to bring out

- the inherent pointlessness of life.

- I'll drink to that, sweetheart.

This, uh, isn't what I expected.

- How so?

- I-I guess it's less Japanese.

That is the thing about Japan.

- Hey, why is your English so good?

- Oh, you know.

Classic star-crossed lovers,

complex immigration stuff,

dad's not around anymore.

You know how that goes.

Yeah, well, I didn't

even know my father so

Sometimes I kinda wish

I didn't know mine.

- But c'est la vie.

- Is that Japanese for something?

- Yeah. "Life's a shitshow."

- Of course it is.

When you're married

to someone from work again.

Wow, look at you, going right

back to the well you pissed in.

- Elegantly put.

- Well, I married someone

I didn't work with

and now he owns the company.

Sometimes the well pisses back.

You don't think she actually

likes him, do you?

Subtle flush,

open body language,

- gesture amplitude increasing

- That's a no, right?

- Say it's a no!

- Why are you so mad?

Look, on a mission,

feelings don't end well.

It'll ruin

they're not an option!

Ugh, come on man, not

working for your mother

is always an option.

You haven't met her

and stared into those eyes.

Like a combination of a shark

and two bigger sharks.

- Have you tried bopping her on the nose?

- Only in my dreams.

I woke up apologizing

with a giant erection.

Uh, maybe too much

for a first date?

- Oh, so you think this is a date?

- Uh, maybe?

First date, ten years ago,

that was probably my best kiss.

- Did not call me back.

- Oof. Real slap in the nuts.

Sorry, Wild One,

I didn't mean to interrupt

your costume party.

Kinda woozy from that kiss, you know?

- High five?

-

Uh, that didn't sound

like Japanese for high five.

Stay gold, ponyboy!

- So here we are.

- Two romantically unavailable

people with

an undeniable rapport

Enjoying each other's company.

While our spouses

are thousands of miles away.

Let's get out of here!

Let's get out of here.

- Aah! Can't do it.

- Nope. Too married.

Tell you what, though.

What if

I can't wait for how weird

this is gonna be.

What if we go into your room,

cuddle for five minutes

- No kissing.

- And then we retire to our separate rooms

and then pleasure ourselves

intensely enough to cause injury.

And I am setting my watch.

Feelings were bad enough,

but Jesus,

just cheat like a decent person.

- Goddamnn, that's weird.

- Ugh, I know, right?

Ooh-hoo,

this one's a real page-turner.

- Oh, no! She's gone!

- Oh, hey, Reiko.

But now I'm pretending

to be cool.

I don't think she noticed.

- I gotta get to work.

- Oh, crap. Yeah, I should

Check with your "uncle"

about your "vacation."

Uh, I assume you're using

those finger quotes for emphasis.

Because I'm an ignorant monster

who doesn't understand

quotation marks?

Look, Sterling, your uncle's

been through here a few times.

And let me give you a tip.

The hotel staff

always knows everything.

- Like everything, everything?

- Yup. Not that we want to.

- Hey, uh, can we maybe

- Sterling.

I went out with you

because I was bored

and you looked like

a dumb bit of fun.

Yeah, uh, same here.

I-I was just gonna ask you

if we could never

see each other again.

But, I will say, you've got

something interesting going on.

But let me tell you

the one thing I don't like.

- Do you have to?

- Your name.

"Sterling"?

Doesn't really fit you.

- You could call me Archer.

- Hmm, I like that.

See you later Archer.

and then, bang.

She hits the guy with a beer bottle,

and we zoom away

on her motorcycle.

And I just really like her, you know.

Mr. Kodo says that if we're

going to play grab-ass all day,

he would've brought thicker gloves.

Sterling, uh, appreciate the energy,

but let's get back to business, eh?

Oh! Could you actually

call me Archer?

My girlfriend likes

that better Reiko.

She's Japanese. So cool.

Okay, so first off,

before we set the agenda here,

let's all be extra respectful

of the encounter

- that Lana had last night.

- By bringing it up immediately?

I'm saying, now that

it has been brought up,

I forget by whom, we should

be respectful about it.

Though it was pretty messed up.

Hey, you still working

on that helmet for dolphins

that lets them

communicate sexual consent?

Smoke b*mb!

Look, your voyage of

masturbatory exploration aside.

If it's aside, why do you

keep bringing it up?

And even if

that were cheating

I didn't say cheating.

You did.

But it totally is.

Continue.

You hate Robert,

so why do you even care?

Look, if you want to

quasi-ghost-bang some ex-"spy"

- from a second-tier organization

- Oh, my God, it always comes back

- to the same old d*ck-swinging.

- Ha! Not true.

This involves, at minimum,

two kinds of d*ck-swinging.

But look, when feelings

get mixed into missions,

bad stuff happens, so for now,

let's just focus

on the next step in the plan.

- Which is?

- Getting William out

in the open so the Dingo

can try to k*ll him.

Ugh, God damn it.

Ah, sh*t. sn*per!

Sterling!

Archer, Stop thinking.

Move!

- He is saying, "Holy sh*t!"

- When did you get here?

At some point,

the training takes over.

And then you ignore the training

and listen to

your inner awesomeness.

I just can't imagine what it

feels like to be sh*t at.

Yeah, well, I guess,

I didn't actually get sh*t at.

Come to think of it,

I didn't even see a sn*per.

- Was there one?

- Why would McGinley fake a sn*per?

Other than gaining him

the total trust

- of the head of the yakuza?

- Wow. I just realized something.

We should have sex again.

How about behind that tree

over there?

- And that is why I love you.

- Whoops.

You're sure the Dingo

will have to move out

into the open to take the sh*t?

As long as she stays between

that table and that plant,

the Dingo has to move

into the open.

- Right on cue.

- The Dingo!

Damn it, Krieger!

Oh, relax, at this distance,

it's physically impossible

for them to hear us.

There's something to be said

for the mood of a time and place.

That's what the dolphins

keep saying.

Come on. Step out.

Step out and I'll be free.

Actually, the human mind

can't heal like that.

We're doomed to play out

the same patterns over

and over until we deal

with the root causes.

And

no!

Backup plan! I stashed

the Krieger drone nearby.

We have drone lift off.

And I'm following.

And the Dingo noticed me.

And now sh*t me.

Aww.

So I guess Lana had

some second thoughts.

Yes, I would like to talk

to her about that.

Well, you make some great

points, but maybe I thought

endangering an innocent

bystander wasn't worth it.

Endangering an innocent bystander

is, like, 90% of what we do.

And the other 10% of the time,

we're on break.

- Look, I don't want the guy to die.

- That is just so selfish.

I would k*ll six

of this guy myself,

but I guess that's just

because I'm a professional.

So we are gonna do this again

and make sure you don't tell

Mr. Cuddles anything

- because otherwise, it doesn't work.

- Please, Mr. Cuddles is my father.

- Call me Cuddle-boo-boo.

- God damn it!

My guess is that the Dingo

will take his sh*t at Kodo

at the wrestling stadium.

That's what I would do.

You're ready for this, Sterling.

Just trust your instincts.

I did not think it was

this kind of wrestling.

Mr. Kodo says that

if he wants to see a grown man

in a diaper hug another man,

- he will check your hotel room later.

- Sick burn, Mr. Kodo!

I gotta say, for a yakuza boss,

he seems pretty chill.

Though you did

just give me a high three.

Sometimes Mr. Kodo's jokes

don't land as well as he likes.

Oh, Sterling, I need you to

do a sweep of the VIP area.

Wait. You want me

to leave you alone with Kodo?

I can handle things here.

I told you, thinking

isn't your strong suit.

Just do it and come back.

- Reiko! What are you doing here?

- Duh, I'm a concierge.

I can get tickets to anything.

a* Yamaguchi doing the scissor

guillotine is basically pure sex.

Also, maybe I wanted

to make sure you were okay.

I don't know. Something

isn't right about this.

McGinley said

to trust my instincts,

and my instincts say,

you shouldn't be here.

- I don't want you to get hurt.

- What a coincidence.

I also don't want me to get hurt.

But I can take care of myself.

Oh, sh*t!

Right through the table.

Whoo!

Dammit. We've lost containment.

Not good.

- Everyone ready?

- Also, follow up: does everyone love

- rhetorical questions?

- Ass.

Hold on, I just had my pass.

McGinley!

McGinley, stay with me!

I need you!

You'll figure it out.

I did.

I mean, until now, obviously.

I had a big speech

all planned, but

- I can't remember it right now.

- McGinley!

Come on.

You can make it.

Damn it.

I had something for this.

McGinley!

- Hi, Reiko. Been a while.

- Switch in the tunnel.

Huh, not a bad trick.

Smoke b*mb!

Oh, man, that's way more

effective than just yelling it.

Go around and cut her off!

- Krieger, get this off!

- Good thought,

but I don't think

we have time for that.

Remove it from my face!

Oh, gotcha. Yeah, you just

poke it right here.

Ow! sh*t!

- Can you run slower, you think?

- I got sh*t!

Hah! We all get sh*t, Lana!

Great work, team!

Maybe next time

you can give her a map too!

And then learn English so you

can understand this insult!

We all know English!

My cardio's still great

if you were wondering!

- I wasn't!

- I've also learned cool new sex stuff!

- I was pretty inexperienced back then.

- Tell me about it!

You just sort of flopped around

like an epileptic fish.

Now you're just trying

to hurt my feelings!

Drop it, Reiko.

There's nowhere left to go.

Not by myself, sure.

But what if we went together?

Oh, come on,

what if we just ran away

and figured this thing out?

Archer, we've both

done things we regret.

Maybe here's where we start over.

I really wish you hadn't done that.

Who knows

what would've happened?

Archer

- You okay?

- I know that when I look over the edge,

she's just gonna have

disappeared again.

- Nope. Wow. She is real dead.

- Yup.

Well, the good news is,

I feel exactly zero percent better.

Well you did just get stabbed.

Strong point, Lana.

But you know what?

Reiko is the one

who started calling me Archer.

So I think from now on,

you should call me Sterling.

- Really?

- No, forget it. Bad idea.

I have a lot invested in that name.

I mean, just from

a branding perspective alone.

I'm just sorry

this all happened to you.

Yeah, me too.

Sorry you ruined your marriage.

Now, Archer? Really?

Uh-oh. No time for a retort.

Archer out!