05x02 - Hook, Line, and Sinker

Episode transcripts for the T.V. show, "New Amersterdam." Aired: September 2018 to present.*
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05x02 - Hook, Line, and Sinker

Post by bunniefuu »

Okay.

Hi. I'm Ignatius.

Nope. It's pretentious.

I, uh...

hey, my friends call me Iggs.

No, they don't. Dr. Igg... Dr. Iggs.

[CHUCKLES AND GROANS]

Okay. Hey, I'm Ignatius.

Dr. Iggs. I'm Iggy.

And would you please k*ll me?

Uh, hi, my name is Iggy,

and I am in hell.

Oh, my God, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Just... hey, hi.

Hey.

Hey, you know what I am?

I'm a psychiatrist.

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

I'm a psychiatrist.

I'm a psychiatrist.



Oh. Hey, there.



[ITEMS CLATTERING]

Some might call me a textbook Scorpio.

Watch out.

I would say a sense of humor
is the most important thing.

Communication
is the most important thing.

Patience is the most important thing?



No.

Hi, my name is Iggy,

I am going through a divorce,
I have four amazing children,

and I'm on this app because...

well, because who wants
to go through this awful,

confusing, joyous world alone?

[SIGHS]

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]



Yeah.



All right.



[PHONE CHIMES]

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]



[BELL RINGS]

Good morning.

- [MOUTHING WORDS]
- Morning.

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]



[MOUTHING WORDS]



[BELL RINGS]

Yeah, oh, yeah, I'll... bye.

[BELL RINGS]

I mean, I just... tell me honestly.

Am I too old to date on an app?

I'm not worried about
you meeting somebody.

I am worried about you

marrying the first guy
you date, all right?

So let's cross that bridge
when we get there.

All right, don't... don't
let me do that, by the way.

Well, listen.

It's just like my mom always
said when I was with Edie.

There are plenty of fish in the... sea.

That was weird.

Iggy, this is my father, Horace.

- Oh.
- Dad, this is Iggy.

Yeah, hi. Nice to meet you, finally.

I'm Iggy. Pleasure.

All right, then.
Come on, we're going fishing.

Today? Wait. Now?

The bass will be sleeping by noon.

[CHUCKLING] I... I can't. I'm at work.

I'm working.

I'm supervising a resident's
fem-pop bypass this morning.

There's got to be other
doctors in this hospital.

That is true.

I'm sorry, Dad, this is
not how I run my department.

This is not about how
you run your department.

It's about how you run your life.

I can't. I'm sorry.

Well, suit yourself.

But don't tell me I didn't try.

What are you doing?
You wanted this, right?

No, not like that. Not out of the blue.

You can't control
how love comes into your life.

All right?
That's good advice for me, too.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[SIGHS] Okay.

Hey, Pop, wait up. Hey.

[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC]

Whoo-hoo. That's what I'm talking about.



Hey, good morning. New haircut?

Look, I know Casey is out of town,

so you need someone to gossip with,

but may I suggest, quite literally,

anyone else in our entire department?

Ooh, speaking of our department,

Layla's visa finally got approved,

which means, drum roll please.

No.

she's finally moving out of my apartment

and into her own place.

You know, maybe you can
call Casey, FaceTime him?

I don't know.

All that's left to do now

is to pick up my clothes from storage,

which I am dreading,
but I need them, you know?

I've been living in the same
eight outfits for months

and my undies are
practically translucent.

Why did you wait till
things were see-through?

I mean, most storage places let
you get things whenever you want.

Yeah, well, it's not
that kind of storage.

Brunstetter, a word?

What are you doing?

She can't afford her
blood pressure meds,

and it's only bucks, so...

Okay, we don't pay
patients out of pocket.

I know.

Even in situations like this.

For every Esther, there are
a dozen more just like her.

I know, it's just...

it's hard not to do
something when I can.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

You can pick up your
prescription at a pharmacy.

Thank you.

You really didn't need to do this.

It's okay. It's not a problem at all.

[FUNKY UPBEAT MUSIC]

Oh, hang on. Just a little problem here.

Sorry, guys, I'm just
a little short on cash.

Oh, Max, Max. Do you mind spotting me?

Oh, sure.

Happy to help.

[WHISPERS] Sorry. Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Let me guess. Budget meeting?

Oh, this is my new and
improved cost savings plan.

Worked all week on this bad boy.

All right, how much
are you going to save?

$ .

Ooh, that's going to be good meeting.

Well hey, you just had
to borrow bucks from me.

You're not one to talk.

All right, do you know what?

You had to spot me because

my patient couldn't afford
her blood pressure meds,

and since it took
just bucks to save her life,

- that is what I did.
- Hmm.

And we see patients like
her every single day, Max,

stuck in the Medicare donut hole,

unable to afford their meds.

I mean, some of them can't
even afford a daily meal.

I mean, if they had just
a little extra cash,

they wouldn't keep ending up in the ED.

[SOFT ENERGETIC MUSIC]



All right, well, that was not
the reaction I was expecting.

But that is a great
savings plan, Lauren.

Oh, no.



This is Canaan Ochoa,
thrown from vehicle.

Abrasions, hemothorax, and crush injury

to the right shoulder and rib cage.

[GROANING]

Give me a rapid infuser
and notify the blood bank.

Prepare for rapid sequence intubation.

Make sure we have a humeral
head retractor in the kit.

It's extensive crush injury.

All spreaders and gougers on the tray.

On my count, one, two, three.

- [GROANS]
- [INDISTINCT]

Work up that MAYSI score.

- Blood bank's been notified.
- [MONITORS BEEPING]

[GROANING]

It's probably gonna require a drain.

Problem looks too extensive
for a transhumeral procedure.

Can you feel that?

No.

Anticipate a shoulder disarticulation.

All right, what about now?

Anything?

What's wrong with me?



The accident crushed your shoulder.

Your bones, muscles,
nerves, blood vessels,

they're all badly damaged.

Oh, my God.

Determine if the patient
is a candidate for...

All right,
we can save your life, Canaan,

but the operation is going to require

the amputation of your right arm.

W-what?

No, you can't take my arm.
Please, please.

The artery in your shoulder,
it's been weakened.

It could rupture at any second.

If that happens,
you will die within minutes.

We need to operate now.

No, no, there has to be some other way.

I wish that there were.

Well, don't I have kind of say in this?

Of course.
We need your permission to operate.

Okay, well, you don't have it.

[SOFT TENSE MUSIC]



You can't take my arm. I'd rather die.



Wow, we made good time.

- This is really something.
- [LAUGHS]

Never been out here before.

- Here, hold this.
- All right.

- Want me to grab it?
- Nope.

[BIRDS SINGING]

Wow.

This is beautiful, Pops.

[CHUCKLES]

It's just the two of us, father and son,

spending some good quality...
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where are you going?

The best spot is just down here.

Yeah, but the sign.

Oh, they got to put that up.

Just making sure
we not t*rrorists out here

trying to mess with the
New York City drinking water.

It's nothing.

Yeah, but it clearly
says no trespassing.

You always mind the rules, Floyd.

Good kid.

Never too late to fix that.

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

Oh, come on, now.

It ain't fishing if you ain't
trespassing just a little.



Yo, Pops, wait up.



Hey, I got your page. How can I help?

My patient needs his right
arm amputated at the shoulder

or he's going to be dead
within a matter of hours.

However, he is refusing
the life-saving surgery,

so I need you to declare him incompetent

so that I can move
forward with the operation

and save his life.

Okay, do you know who that is?

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

- Who?
- That's Canaan Ochoa.

He's the starting pitcher
for the Brooklyn Cyclones.



Morning.
Now, who's ready to have their world

completely rocked by my new plan?

Let's see, your last cost-saving plan

was equal to the price of
a one-way flight to Rochester.

Well, then, buckle your
seatbelt, Madam Chairwoman.

$ , .

That is the average cost

when a patient comes through our doors

at this hospital, but I have found a way

to reduce this number to...

.

- Any questions?
- Yes, is this a joke?

Nope, there's nothing funny
about savings like these.

There's no way this is legal.

Well, that's a great question,
and I'm glad you asked.

We're going to accomplish this
with targeted

monetary prescriptions
specifically designed

to nip expensive
and avoidable hospital stays

right in the bud.

This expression you see? Disbelief.

Oh, okay. Well, let me prove it to you.

Fund a one-day pilot program,
and if it succeeds,

we make it permanent

and we sit back
and we let the savings roll in.



It's hard to argue with those numbers.

Yeah, she's right, so let's not argue.

[PEN CLICKING]

All right, fine. All in favor?



Your pilot program is hereby approved.

Thank you, Karen.

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- [SIGHS]

You mind showing me
how you plan on implementing

this revolutionary,
never-been-thought-of program

in just one day?

I thought you'd never ask.

[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC]



This is going to change lives.



Oh, dear God.

[HEART MONITOR BEEPING]

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

Hi. Mr. Ochoa?

Hi, I'm Dr. Frome.

Can I ask you a few questions?

[SIGHS] Do what you got to do.

Okay, thank you.

Can you tell me what year it is?

.

And where are we right now?

A hospital.

And if you found
a stamped letter on the ground,

what would you do with it?

You think I'm crazy.

You have rejected
life-saving medical care,

and it is my job to determine
whether you're of sound mind

to sign your death warrant today.

That's not the kind of thing
that we want to get wrong,

understand?

[SIGHS]

All right.

Do you have any family
that would be impacted

by your choice to die?

No, my team was my family.

I already lost them.

You know, many successful people

have a brutally hard time
separating the sense of self

from their career.

T-this isn't my career.

Okay, all right, it's not your career.

Got it.

So tell me, what is it?

This is my life.

This is... I don't even know the word.

Your calling?

You know the first game I ever pitched?

I left my body. For real.

I mean, I was up there

just thinking about all
the things I had to do,

you know, move my ankle here,
adjust my hips there.

And then suddenly, I was just...

watching it all happen,
, tiny movements,

and then bam.

That ball soared right to
where it was supposed to go,

and it may have been
me doing the wind-up,

but God was throwing that ball.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]



And if I can't have that...

I don't want to live, man.



I know what I'm choosing, doctor.



So if I found a stamped
envelope on the ground,

I'd mail it.



[SHAKILY TAKES DEEP BREATH]



Cancel the surgery.



[SIREN WAILING]

-year-old jumper off
the Hell's Gate Bridge,

now with multiple
lower extremity fractures.

Heart rate, respirations normal.
We got to him in the nick of time.

Stay with us, kid. We got you.

[SOFT TENSE MUSIC]

I messed up. I'm sorry.

Okay, let's get him to Bay .

You got nothing to be sorry about.

Just promise us once they fix you up,

you'll come by the station and say hi.

Patient ortho and psych, stat.

- Mike?
- [GASPING]

Mike? Man down!

Any medical history I should know about?

No, nothing. Mike's in perfect health.

He's the one who saved the jumper.

- We need a stretcher!
- I'm on it.

[GASPING]

[ALOE BLACC'S "I NEED A DOLLAR"]



Wow, it really works.

What are you going to
spend your prescription on?

Oh, my knees are terrible.

I'm a waiter, but I
haven't been able to work,

so I'm getting orthotics.

Great.



There you go. Help yourself.

Who's next?

Hi, there.
Pop that in, and there's your cash.

♪ A dollar is what I need ♪

What are you going to
spend your prescription on?

- Groceries.
- Excellent.

- ♪ A dollar is what I need ♪
- ♪ Hey, hey ♪

[SOFTLY] It's working.

♪ A dollar, a dollar,
a dollar is what I need ♪

- A gym membership.
- Nice.

♪ And if I share with you my story ♪

♪ Would you share your dollar with me ♪

♪ Come on, share your dollar with me ♪

A haircut.

Good.

♪ Come on, share your dollar with me ♪

Tickets to the Laugh Shack.

Mm.

[MACHINE BEEPING]

Uh, I was prescribed cash
for a bus pass.

Walking to work in this heat

was triggering my extreme asthma.

Yeah, that's... may I try? Hmm.

[MACHINE BEEPING]

I think this well has run dry.

Sorry, this was only a pilot program.

So this prescription
is no longer any good?

[DOWNBEAT MUSIC]



This time, jig it a little
when you reel it back.

I never knew you
liked fishing this much.

[CHUCKLES] Ever since I was a kid.

Oh, don't watch me, watch the rod tip.

Rod tip. Right.

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

Oh, not like that.

You try to hook them, not tickle them.

Hey, man, you never
taught me how to fish.

How am I supposed to know
what I'm doing out here?

Yeah, I never taught you
how to be a surgeon neither,

and that turned out just fine.

- [RATCHET CLICKING]
- Oh, Pops, I got something.

Wait, what... what do I do?

Run!

What?

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

Oh, crap!

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

Son of a...



Lungs are clear.

- Regular heart rhythm.
- EKG looks fine.

Pupils reactive,
no signs of head trauma.

So it's not cardiac.

It's probably not subdural.

[GASPING]

- No signs of concussion.
- No signs of bleeding.

It doesn't make any sense.

Mike was fine before
he went in the water.

He didn't even hesitate.

He dove right in
and pulled the guy to shore.

He's dry drowning.

But there's no water in his lungs.

He must have inhaled

some small particles
when he dove into the river.

His airway is blocked
due to severe laryngeal spasm.

We can't oxygenate him.

There's no air that's getting in.

No, we need to intubate now. Come on.

[GASPING]

[SOFT TENSE MUSIC]

If one of your patients told you

that they were going
to go home and hang themselves,

- wouldn't you stop them?
- That's not the same thing.

Mental health care professionals

intervene if someone
demonstrates a plan.

If a patient is actively
going to pursue self-harm,

yes, of course, I step in.

But Canaan isn't doing anything.

He's just refusing to let us do
something, which is his right.

Don't hide behind semantics.
Let's call this what it is.

We are letting him die.

No, we are not.

We are letting a patient
tell the doctors

what they can and can't do to his body.

That's it.
That's what New Amsterdam stands for.

That's why we're here.

Really?

I thought that we were
here to save lives.

No, no, not against a
patient's wishes, we're not.

Even if that was ethically
okay, which it is not,

he would sue you for
wrongful life and he would win.

Believe me.

If you force a surgery on that man,

you will lose your license.

You will never practice medicine again.

Is that what you want?



Prep Canaan Ochoa for surgery.



[SOFT TENSE MUSIC]

Why are you doing this?

[MOUTHING WORDS]

The subclavian artery
could rupture at any moment.

We don't have much time
to save this man's life.



You can start.



Ah...

I don't want to live like this.



Out!

Everybody out. Clear the OR.

[SNIFFLES]

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]



You offend me.

Would you tell a group of wounded vets

that their lives aren't worth living?

Or someone who is missing
an eye or a leg?

I-i-it's not that.

Then what?

You're not special anymore,
so you're just going to die?



[SIGHS WEAKLY]

I'm nothing else.

Before baseball, I was nothing.

And now, without it...

what's left?



If I had quit when
I couldn't see a way forward,

I would not be here with you now.

You have spent your whole
life defining yourself

in this one narrow way,

and you have convinced yourself
that is poetry.



I got news for you, Canaan.

You would not be any less human
if you woke up in post-op.



In fact, maybe,

I don't know, just maybe,

you would be more.

[SNIFFLES]

[SIGHS]



[CHUCKLES]

Boy, you should have
seen the look on your face.

You got wheels, son, I'll give you that.

You think this is funny?

Come on, we made a
rent-a-cop run a little.

Man needed exercise.

That was a Homeland Security
officer, Dad.

Homeland Security, for God's sake.

Oh, you need to relax.

I'm a doctor at a public hospital.

If I get detained by Homeland Security,

I could lose my license.

Yeah, here we go with
the doctor business again.

Every chance you get, you slip that in.

Spoons. They like spoons.

We're going to put spoons
on the end of this.

What the hell are you doing?

What I came to do.
Fish are still biting.

Come on, let's go.

Are you serious right now?

We could have gone to jail.

No, we're not going fishing.
We're going home.

You're the one pestering me for months!

You're the one who wanted all this!

And now, you're blaming me

because it don't live up
to your high expectations.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

That's... that's not what this is.

Nobody force you to be here, Floyd.

And last I checked,
nobody's keeping you here now.



I came to go fishing, and
fishing is what I mean to do.



How many nibbles have we gotten?

What?

Likes, bites, hearts, swipes.

And how many hot dudes are
buying what we are selling?

Oh, my gosh, Oh, the hot dudes.

I don't know, let's see.

All right.

Uh, zero.

Is that right?

You know, maybe it didn't post.

No, no. No, it posted.

- It's right there.
- Oh, yeah.

Clear as day.

I guess everyone who saw it
just swiped the other way.

Turns out nobody's buying
what I'm selling today.

Okay. Hmm.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Okay.

For what it's worth,

I would have swiped the right direction.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

[POLICE SIREN WAILING OUTSIDE]

[PHONE CLATTERS]

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

Big news, everybody.

Our humble, little pilot program

was an unmitigated success.

Today, we saved this hospital,
conservatively speaking,

$ , .

I know what you're thinking.
That's maybe the first time

I've actually saved this hospital money.

That's why I wanted
to get it in writing.

Now, here's what I'm thinking.

We redirect those savings right
back into the ATM in the lobby

where there are still patients lined up

to fulfill their prescriptions

and we just keep that magic flowing.

Some people thought it couldn't be done.

This is where our money has been going?

Pedicures?

Prescribed by a podiatrist
for an ingrown toenail.

The Laugh Shack?

For depression.
Laughter is the best medicine.

Seeds?

Behavioral health uses
gardening to help ease anxiety.

Lingerie?

Support bras, actually.
It's a great story...

We're a hospital, Max, not a Target.

Right.

How do we know these
patients are even using the money

for what it was prescribed for?

We don't.

So any of these people
would just take our money

and go out and buy a PlayStation game?

Yeah, actually, that was prescribed

for a patient with autism.

Helps with social skills.

Our detractors already
accuse socialized medicine

of being just handouts.

Now you're standing here saying

your big innovation
is literally handouts?

No, no, no, no.

Our medical staff are
assessing patients' needs

and then writing them
specific prescriptions...

- For cash?
- Yeah.

There's zero accountability here, Max.

Well, that line of thinking
suggests that

you only see our patients as crooks
and liars when actually,

they're just real people
in need of real health care.

But none of these
things are health care.

All of these things are health care.

A bus pass for a woman whose
severe asthma is triggered

every time she's forced to walk
to work, that is health care.

And when we spend money now,
we save money later,

because all of this
is preventative care.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]



[SIGHS] If you don't believe me,

just follow these patients for six
weeks, and you'll see that's true.

Here's what will be true
today or in six weeks.

You want New Amsterdam
to give away free money

and no matter how you spin it,

those are handouts
and that's just wrong.

- No, Karen...
- I'm sorry, Max, shut it down.



[INDISTINCT CHATTER]



[MEDICAL EQUIPMENT BEEPING]

He's progressed
to hemorrhagic pulmonary edema.

BP is dropping.

His heart's not getting
enough damn oxygen.

- Hang another bag of saline.
- And start a dobutamine drip.

[EKG FLATLINING]

- It looks like V-fib.
- Damn it.

[EKG FLATLINING]

[TENSE MUSIC]

- [ELECTRICAL WHIRRING]
- Confirming V-fib.



- Clear.
- [DEFIBRILLATOR THUMPS]

[EKG FLATLINING]

Nothing.

- Going again.
- [ELECTRICAL WHIRRING]

- Clear.
- [DEFIBRILLATOR THUMPS]

[EKG FLATLINING]

Nothing.

Going again.

There's too much blunting.

[DEFIBRILLATOR WHIRRING]

I can't get any oxygen in.

[EKG FLATLINING]

[SOFT SOLEMN MUSIC]



[SIGHS]

Time of death, : p.m.



[EKG FLATLINING]

We did everything we could.

But I just...



I'm so sorry.



[SIGHS SHAKILY]



[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]



Oh, my God.

The fish won. [LAUGHS]

Can't control
how love comes to you, huh?

Aren't you supposed to
be a brilliant therapist,

master of human insight?

Oh, come on, it couldn't have
been that bad, right?

Plus, you can't put a price
on adventure.

Although to be fair,

I don't know how much those pants cost.

I should have known playing
hooky with him was a mistake.

To think all this time,
I got him to hang out with me,

what, three, maybe four times, max?

And it's always me trying to arrange it.

It's always me trying to pin him down.

And there he was this morning
coming to me with a plan.

All right? And he was so excited.

But you know what?

He wasn't showing up for me.

'Cause when I got in trouble,
he didn't care.

Yeah. You know what?

I almost got arrested today.

What?

Yeah, almost lost my whole career.

And all he can think about was
getting back to the damn trout.

And when I called him out
on it, he blew up.

Dude went from Norman Rockwell
to screaming

to total indifference in one afternoon.

Oh, sorry to hear that.

Well, Mama was right. She was right.

She always said that horse
was like a roller coaster.

Starts out fun, but before you know it,

your back's out
and you want to throw up.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, what
was the car ride home like?

I Ubered.

- You know why?
- Uh, why?

'Cause he's still out there fishing.

So what can you say
about a man like that?

Well.

No, go ahead, say it.

Um, okay, well...

I've known the man
for exactly two seconds,

so this is worth a grain of salt.

But it sounds like a textbook example

of someone with bipolar disorder.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]



[INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT]



And it was working.

I didn't come here today
to get a bus pass,

I came for my asthma.

Yeah, but all you needed
was the bus pass.

[CHUCKLES]

Hang on, I can...

[CHUCKLES]

I gave all my money away this morning.



Sorry, I couldn't help but overhear.

Here. I got you, ma'am.

- Oh, that's...
- Please.

Thank you, dear.

Happy to help.



What is it with this place?

You know, sometimes, even I don't know.

Excuse me.

That was very kind,
but you didn't have to do that.

Oh, my pleasure.

I donate to charity all the time,

but nothing feels better

than knowing exactly
who your money is helping.



Hmm.



Good work.

Everyone, thank you all.
I know today was hard.



You did the hard lift,
changing his mind.



All I did was start
from a different perspective.



- Good night.
- Hey, Karen, do me a favor.

Define handout. Humor me.

[GROANS SOFTLY] A gift you didn't earn.

Something for nothing.

So many people come here
needing our help

and a lot of them can't pay,

but is stopping an unhoused man

from having a heart att*ck a handout?

Or giving an undocumented kid
a polio vaccine?

It's not the same. That's medicine.

Everything I did today was medicine.

The board just can't see that.

But fortunately, I don't need the board

to see that medicine
extends beyond these walls,

because the rest of the world
already knows that.

Okay, I'll bite.

[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC]

- "Sponsor a patient."
- Mm-hmm.

Each of these patients only
needs a small amount of cash

to make a huge impact
on their overall health.

See?

♪ Nobody knows how to go back home ♪



See, top right. "Allison needs $ ."

"I have asthma, and I need a bus pass."

"My eyes are failing,
and I need them to read."

"I have back pain, and
I would like to hold my baby."

Some of these prescriptions
are as low as $ .

We can help tell their story.

These are not numbers or
statistics or reckless policy,

they're just people.

And when you see a person
in need, you help them.

That's not a handout.
That's just humanity.



♪ This is only where it begins ♪

♪ Nobody knows how the story ends ♪



♪ Nobody knows how the story ends ♪



[SIGHS]

Hey.

Rough day?

Yeah, you know, work...
work is hard, and I...

I, uh, just, uh...

nothing, never mind.

No, what?

Nothing. It's just...

you know, it's us.

It's... not us. It's me, it's me.

It's moving on stuff, and I'm...

we can't talk about that, right?

That's weird.

No, it's... it's not weird at all.

Come on. Spill it.

- Really?
- Yeah, I'm a big boy.

Uh, yeah, I don't...

I don't know how
to be a single man, Martin.

- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
- I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm... [CHUCKLES]

It's pathetic.

I was terrible at it in my s.
You know.

I'm terrible at it as
a single, middle-aged father.

I'm... I'm just bad at it.
I'm a failed partner.

- Come on.
- Well, it's true.

Mm.

That is my dating profile.

Hard to tell, because nobody
swiped left, right, or center.

Nobody.

[CHUCKLING] Um, uh...

Iggy, your profile's set

to only matches over years old.

- I'm sorry, what?
- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

- What?
- Buddy, yeah.

I think if you just toggle that
and then switch that one.

- Oh, my gosh.
- Boom.

- Oh, my gosh.
- Wowza.

- [PHONE CHIMING RAPIDLY]
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh.

Holy moly.

I'll see you in three days.

Yeah, yeah, three days. See you then.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]



Jesus, you going to
stand out here all night?

I buzzed you up like ten minutes ago.

[DOOR CLOSES]



Oh yeah, don't mind them.
They're not here.



Yeah, so there are all
your clothes ready to go.



Should I charge you a storage fee?



[SIGHS]



[ITEMS CLATTERING]

You okay?

[SCOFFS]

Yeah, like you care.

[WINE TRICKLING]



You know,
there's been a change of plans.

[LIGHTER CLICKING]

I think I might have to crash here.



Why? What happened to your place?

The truth is you'd be doing me a favor,

Really helping me out.

[SCOFFS]

If you let me stay here.



Uh, yeah.

Yeah, sure thing, sis.

Just... I don't know...

make yourself right at home.



[PHOEBE BRIDGERS' "PUNISHER"]

[SOFT INDIE FOLK MUSIC]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]



♪ When the speed kicks in ♪



No, no. I don't need Ben.

I got this.

[CLEARS THROAT]



♪ The storybook tiles on the roof ♪

♪ Were too much ♪



♪ The drugstores are open all night ♪

[SIGHS]

"Was that a haiku?"

- No, it wasn't supposed to be.
- [LAUGHS]

No.



No. Uh, no, no.

I don't want to use this. Let me...



Um...

you've been there for me
when I needed you the most,

and the truth is,

I should have done this a long time ago.

So...

Hamburger?

Hamburgers? No, no.

Not hamburgers.

Uh...

no, not hamburgers.

Uh...

grateful we are, um...

♪ What if I told you ♪

♪ I feel like I know you ♪

Friends.

- Friends.
- Friends.

♪ But we never met ♪

Good.

I got it. Watch this.

♪ It's for the best ♪

♪ I can't open my mouth ♪

♪ And forget how to talk ♪

- Same.
- Thank you.

[LAUGHS]

♪ 'Cause even if I could ♪

♪ Wouldn't know where to start ♪

♪ Wouldn't know where to stop ♪

[THUNDER RUMBLES]
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