06x08 - Joust Like a Woman

[bunniefuu]

Enjoy that new Char King, Earl.

I gotta say, I really appreciate your business.

Forget him, Hank.

He's chump change.

I got a lead on a new client so big it'll put all my bastard sons through college.

- The Renaissance Faire's in town.

- "Hear ye! Hear ye!" With all due respect, sir do we really want propane mixed up in this sort of thing? Last year I would have said, "Hell, no!" But it's a new normal, Hank.

You want a Christmas bonus this year you sell them leotards every gallon you can! Who goes there? Hank Hill, Assistant Manager, Strickland Propane.

I'm here to talk to a Philip Motzinger.

You mean King Philip.

But begging your pardon you cannot pass in that horseless carriage and manner of dress for they do not exist in our year, 1590.

Why don't you cut the goofy talk and just open the gate? Look, the Alamo Beer guy was cool about it.

There was a lover aid his lass with a hey aid a ho aid a hey ioiiy-io - Prithee, join me.

- Just drive the cart.

King Philip, my liege, I bring a merchant who wishes to display his wares.

Hank Hill, Strickland Propane.

So you are keeper of the flame.

Assistant keeper of the flame.

Our kingdom is accepting bids from members of your guild.

We require 1,000 stone a week of your magic gas.

A stone is, in your native tongue, a gallon.

What are you fellows doing with it? That is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen I tell ye what.

Honest to God, he did it just like this.

It was crazy.

Men in the Renaissance period often shook wrist to wrist to check for daggers and because they did not use toilet paper.

We gotta go! I haven't had a caramel apple in weeks! I've never seen anything like it.

Everyone was dressed up and playing make-believe.

That part was asinine.

But, boy! If I can close this deal, I can get us that second sink in the bathroom.

No more bumping heads when we brush.

That would be paradise.

But But wait.

We agreed I am saving up for the sink with my notary fees.

- Well, that should cover the sales tax.

- But I'm-- Just don't leave your hair in it.

That's the only payment I need.

Okay, Luanne, since you're older I'm putting you in charge of the spending money.

Spend it any way you want with three rules.

No tights, tassels, or skirts on the boy.

Oh, and no bells.

Have fun.

It says right here, "one dollar discount with period costume.

" Well, I'm from the future, and the future is a period.

Ergo, this is a period costume! Period! Good morrow, all.

Hey, there, sire.

I'd like you to meet my lady, Lady Peggy.

Delighted.

Well, nice to meet you, Phil.

Now, I'm not a Renaissance expert, but I did substitute-teach Chapter 6 in The World oi Parade, ,, and let me tell you, you have kept your historical inaccuracies to a minimum.

What inaccuracies dost thy mean? I think you meant "dost thou mean.

" And your British accent is really, really close.

Well, now that you've met my wife, maybe I should meet your propane needs.

We should not discuss matters of trade in the presence of the fairer sex.

- Let's away! - Oh, yeah, sure.

Peggy, I'm gonna "away" with King Motzinger.

Why don't you away away.

And the "E" stands for "Economical.

" Some people think the "E" stands for "Even-Burning," but it doesn't.

- So do we have your business? - Hey, dude, it's the king.

We wage w*r on France on the morrow! That is so gay.

Prince Thatherton of Thatherton Fuels was here last eve pledging on his honor to undersell you by 10%%.

The difference between Strickland Propane and Thatherton Fuels besides Thatherton's lack of focus, is service.

I do demand proper service.

Then Strickland Propane is the place for you.

This is mead! I said grog! - I'm sorry.

I-- - Away! A good wench is so hard to find.

You're fortunate.

Yours seems sturdy.

If I had her in my employ it would solidify the bond between our two kingdoms.

Peggy is not an actual employee of Strickland Propane.

But, at Strickland Propane, our motto is "if you have a problem, tell us what it is "and we will try to take care of it as soon as we can.

" Oh, wait, wait.

Have you already started? Because I'm thinking of going back to "Number One Mom.

" Hey, Peggy.

Guess who wants you to work in his kingdom? The king.

How about that, huh? Now you actually could help me get that sink.

Oh, I could.

But will I? Sure! We'll be a great team.

Side by side, like our double sinks.

- King Philip, sir? - How now, gas man? Pretty good, thanks.

My wife Peggy is ready to serve the kingdom.

I am a Renaissance woman.

This is a Renaissance Faire.

- We are a perfect fit.

- Delightful.

I've got just the hole for this peg.

Hear ye, hear ye, by order of King Philip for the crime of offering her own opinion this impudent wench has been sentenced to one hour in the stocks.

Hoist your fruit, good men.

Okay, Phil.

Where do I start? King Philip sent us here about a job for my wife.

I'm not saying it has to be a good job.

But, again, we were referred by the king.

All right, bear with me a sec.

This thing is so freaking slow.

I would make an excellent wandering minstrel.

If I can play guitar on the StairMaster I certainly can do it while wandering.

No, see, you're a woman.

Other than the yard-long margaritas we're pretty strict about historical accuracy.

You're pretty much looking at cleaning wench, stable wench or butter-churning wench.

Are you sure you don't have any openings for a queen? Warrior princess? No.

I can go over the wenches again.

Is cleaning wench the highest-ranking wench? Highest? Oh, yes.

When a tour comes by, clean the rug by b*ating the dirt out of it.

When the tour leaves, dirty the rug by sprinkling dirt on it.

Well, as back-to-back-to-back Substitute Teacher of the Year I may look far too intelligent to be a cleaning wench.

I just hope people buy it.

I am sweating like a horse here.

Well, what happened to you? I was punished for my sloth and impertinence.

Why are you talking like that? Honey, you don't want the king to catch you breaking character.

Once he put me on stable duty for humming an Elvis song.

TOUR GUIDE: Follow me, fair visitors.

To our tasks, everyone! Villagers approach.

I hope you enjoyed the stable and the sty.

We now move on to some more comely beasts of burden, the wenches.

Good morrow, everyone.

I am b*ating a rug.

A very important job, for castles were oft drafty and-- - Wench, whom addressed thee? - I addressed myself.

Since there was no such thing as a vacuum cleaner in the Middle Ages-- What speak you of vacuum cleaner? - Peggy, hold thine tongue! - Oh, oh, oh, right, right, right.

In the future, they will invent a magical sucking device to free women from household drudgery! If thou can foretell the future, perhaps thou art a witch! She is no witch, milord.

Merely tetched in the head from the sun.

She's a witch! - Witch! Witch! - Witch! How now? Is there unrest in my kingdom? She's a witch! Well, I guess if they burn you at the stake, they'll be using my propane.

You'll find it burns witches cleanly and evenly and at a fraction of the cost of natural gas.

You know, this cleaning-wench thing isn't really doing it for me.

If her arms worked as hard as her serpent's tongue there would be nary a speck of dust in the kingdom.

This is not what nature intended for my implants.

That fat Merlin finished all the chicken wings.

Why do the wenches always get the last lunch break? Because Philip is an ass.

Speaking of which, he grabbed mine again this morning.

But he's your boss.

That is sexual harassment.

Well, King Philip says that's all just tomfoolery.

You know, it's okay to humiliate me when I'm Becky, the butter-churner but not when I'm Becky, the person.

- Oh, by the way, my name's Becky.

- Peggy Hill, rug wench.

You know, maybe he just doesn't have good people skills.

You know, sometimes I don't.

See Brandon over there? He started here a year ago.

Makes twice as much as me.

You know what? As the highest-ranking wench, maybe I should talk to the king.

It is time we rewrote history.

Hey, Philip, you got a second? Mr.

Motzinger? - King Philip? - Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just counting my treasure from the Americas.

What is the reason for this interruption? One of the girls got out her laptop and we went on some labor websites - "Laptop"? - Oh, come on.

This is serious.

You have women working more than There is no sanitary-napkin dispenser in the ladies' Porta-John.

And are you familiar with the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993? How could I be? It is but 1590.

Why don't you drop the act and you explain to me why the wenches make 70 cents on the dollar and the village idiot gets full dental? You are but a woman, and I have given you enough of my time! Begone! God dangit! That's my third pair of these goddang tights today.

At least you get to wear tights.

These are my work stockings.

How do you ladies put up with this? Well, we put up with a lot more than that, Hank.

Just now, when I was complaining to King Philip-- Whoa, whoa! Complaining? No.

The customer complains, not the gas merchant's wench.

- You're gonna skunk the deal.

- But I just-- Look, if the king gives you a hard time, come see me, and I'll handle it.

- Whatever you do, don't open your mouth.

- I can fight my own battles.

Mouth! If King Philip isn't ready for the Age of Reason we will dust off a Dark Ages classic, the peasant revolt! - Everyone grab a tomato! - Are you crazy? You'll get us all fired! He can't fire all of us.

Who will do the laundry, huh? The blacksmith? He's filthy! This Faire will grind to a halt, and Philip will be forced to meet our demands.

Look, I can't take any chances.

I have a daughter and she needs a prom dress.

And it has to be the one from the magazine or all the other girls will make fun of her! Aren't you willing to risk this demeaning job today to give your daughter a brighter tomorrow? Or whenever her prom is? Hear ye.

Hear ye.

All rise for the royal procession.

- I hand you tomatoes of freedom! - Give me a firm one! What a fine day for a Faire it is! Welcome to my kingdom.

It's now or never! Now! Come on, throw! I'm sorry.

The One-Wench Rebellion of 1590 has been quashed! Peggy? Well, I'm sorry, Hank.

I guess everyone here likes things the way they are.

I'll go back to b*ating the rug now.

I wonder, Madam if I can expect the same impertinence from your husband's propanery that I have come to expect from you.

- Please, Hank had nothing to do with this.

- Guards! Seize this wench and take her to the stocks! What are you doing? Take your hands off her! No, no.

It's okay, Hank.

I'm not here.

I'm in our bathroom over my own sink.

- And I'm flossing, Hank.

I'm flossing.

- Oh! Okay, that's it.

Show's over.

Hank, stop! You'll lose the account.

Listen to your shrew.

In her nagging, there is wisdom.

Dangit! There are more important things than a sale! You take off that crown! I'm kicking your ass! Oh, you demand satisfaction? Fine.

- Then we shall joust by day's end! - Say huh? If you are able to tilt me off my steed then I will apologize to you and yon hag and purchase your gas.

But if I should send thou tumbling to the dirt then you and your gas will be banished from the kingdom.

But not before your wif cleans the man-sweat from my blouse.

Fine! You are in for the joust of your life, mister! Yep, the joust of your life.

- Yep.

- Yep.

Bleep.

Yeah, you're gonna get k*lled, Hank.

I'd offer to help, but the prime directive forbids me from altering the course of history.

If I do, you will win, but the universe will lose and who wants that? Besides you.

No chump in a velvet costume is ever kicking my ass.

Hank, I don't need to tell you how important this joust is, do I? Of course not.

My wife's honor is at stake.

Yes, I do.

Hank, I already made my "in your face" call to Thatherton! Don't muck this up! And if Hank hadn't been there to defend me I might still be in the stocks.

And towards the end there, they were throwing potatoes.

Which I had to tell them was more historically accurate.

My mouth.

What do you think gonna happen after the joust? You know, when Hank is k*lled, with Peggy? In the Middle Ages there was an orderly procedure for the dispensation of the wife.

Unlike in today's gynocracy.

Ownership goes from the son to the dog to the best friend.

Bobby's too young, Ladybird's too old, I already own a wife Boomhauer doesn't have the time.

So, Bill, this could be your in.

Don't worry, Peggy.

I'll take care of you.

That is as unnecessary as it is repulsive.

- Peggy Hill can take care of herself.

- Oh, boy! You're gonna have your hands full with this one, Bill.

- Next item, Hank's lawnmower.

- Yo, man.

I got dibs on it.

Oh, you're all a bunch of morons! I think you should know I've never jousted before.

- Or ridden a horse.

- He'll do most of the work.

Now, if he bucks you, make sure to cover your neck and your testicles.

The joust is commencing! The joust is commencing! Go, Hank! Go, Dad! - Bobby! - Oh! Tell me, peasant how does it feel to have lost the joust, your wench's honor and the propane account in one mighty thrust of my lance? It's a bitter taste, I'm sure.

And ye shall savor it for seven score fortnights anon! Huh? Hey, King Make-Believe! You just got b*at by a girl.

- Yeah! All right, Mom! - Hooray! Help me to my feet, you gaggle of magpies! - What hand you me? - It's a lawsuit, honey.

"Department of Labor, OSHA "Texas Workforce Commission"? Crap! I'm gonna lose my Faire.

I don't want to go back to selling real estate.

We did it, Peggy.

Well, I just wish I'd been born 500 years ago.

I could have single-handedly saved womankind forever.

- I helped, too, you know.

- Yes, Hank.

Everybody helped.

Just try not to fall off the horse this time.

The prime directive has been breached! Women's liberation has happened too soon! I must warn the future! Take me with you! I hate it here.

PHILIP: How iow, gas mai?