06x12 - Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret Hill

[bunniefuu]

Connie, can you hear me? Joseph, can you hear me? Joseph, can you hear Connie? Connie, can you hear Joseph? People, we have conference calling! [sighing.]

Bobby Hill, put down that phone! The school could be calling me in to sub any minute.

What if an algebra teacher d*ed in a car accident, huh? It would be a tragedy if they couldn't reach me.

[telephone ringing.]

Peggy Hill, Education Solutions.

I am on my way.

I'm your substitute teacher, Mrs.

Peggy Hill.

And you are in for a treat from my friend Benjamin Franklin! It was a cloudy day.

And I decided that I would-- [door opening.]

-Morning, Mrs.

Bonter.

-Morning, class.

Sorry to drag you out of the house, Peggy.

The cable guy came early.

Peggy? I'm Benjamin Franklin.

You'll still get paid.

I do not do this for the money, Erica although I wouldn't mind getting reimbursed for the wig.

""A penny saved is a penny earned.

"" Try and follow that.

[thunder cracking.]

[keys jingling.]

(Bobby) Come on, faster! Bobby.

[tires skidding.]

How would you like to fly a kite and learn the key to electricity? No time! Word is, there's a truckload of dead chickens floating down the river.

I hope we're not too late.

My keys! [thunder rumbling.]

[grunting.]

Damn! (Bill) If you're locked out you can stay at my house until Hank gets home.

We could rent a movie.

All right, people.

Save the lmperiales first.

HANK: This is when heroes are made.

MAN: Let's go.

Hank, bad news.

I just figured out who's been stealing office supplies.

It's Donna.

Found them in her bedroom.

Good detective work, sir.

Yeah, well, I was getting tired of her anyway.

So, it looks like you gotta find us a new Donna.

Make sure you find one that isn't always asking ""What are you thinking about?"" It was my first call in three months.

Damn anti-bacterial soap.

Nobody's getting sick anymore.

I shouldn't have to sneeze in the faculty-lounge coffee machine just to get a chance to teach.

It is beneath me.

Hey, Peggy how would you like to come to work with me at Strickland? -Thank you, but no.

-Come on.

It'd be fun.

You and me working side by side at Strickland Propane.

This could be fate talking.

We don't fire Buck's mistresses every day.

But I wouldn't be teaching, I would be doing.

And I wasn't ""Substitute Doer of the Year"" three years in a row.

I see where I'm going with this.

It is time for me to find and accept a full-time teaching position.

Just come to Strickland, Peggy.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Hank, this obviously means a lot to you.

So I will make you a promise I know I will not have to keep.

If I cannot find a full-time job I will come work with you at Strickland.

Great.

I'll put in the paperwork for a coffee mug with your name on it.

Worst-case scenario, it'll be your Christmas present.

[children chattering.]

Principal Moss, I have great news.

I am ready to teach full-time.

That's right.

From 9:00 to 3:00, five days a week, Would if I could, Peggy.

But we're in the middle of a state-wide hiring freeze.

Well, surely they have to make exceptions.

If you want, I'd be glad to forward this résumé to the governor.

Sorry.

Good luck, Peggy.

And this, class, is a stegosaurus, which is-- Which is Latin for ""covered lizard.

"" And just because his name is ""O'Saurus"" that does not make him lrish.

[laughing.]

And my résumé for you.

I'm very good.

I also teach Spanish, as well as Math, grades four and under.

(Peggy) Nope.

Taken.

(principal) We have learned so much from her here on earth.

I know she'll continue teaching up in heaven.

Amen.

(all) Amen.

[birds chirping.]

Beautiful words, Principal.

Very, very moving.

Have you filled her position yet? -She retired 10 years ago.

-Oh.

Well, your obituary was very misleading.

Okay then.

I suppose we should start with lesson one.

Lesson one.

This is the Wagner Char King.

This is the Char King lmperiale.

I almost forgot.

You are hereby requisitioned three Strickland Propane pens.

These can never, ever leave the office.

Sorry to be a spoilsport, but Donna ruined it for everyone.

Hey, Peggy.

Welcome aboard.

You told her about the pens, right? Yes.

I am aware of the pen situation.

Just so you don't hear it from anyone else I'm sleeping with the new employee.

[laughing.]

Hank, we got a code green.

They're running low on propane at the WhatABurger.

Actually, that's a code yellow, sir.

Yeah, whatever.

It's your dumb system.

You figure it out.

Peggy, we are going out on your first propane run.

Get your jacket and hat.

Heck, get your camera.

Look at us.

Husband and wife selling propane together.

It's like something out of the movies.

When you lift, always remember to use your legs.

I know.

It might be a few minutes.

Tony the manager'll probably want to talk about his new grease traps.

-Peggy Hill? -Well, hello, Claire.

""Strickland Propane""? Have you gotten out of the teaching game? [laughing.]

Oh, no, Claire.

Quite the opposite.

I have decided to teach full-time.

In fact, I'm doing location scouting for field trips.

Just a minute.

No, this parking lot is no good.

So, what are you doing here? My cousin got me an interview for a teaching job over at Saint lgnatius.

-Oh, really? Full-time? -Maybe.

I see you are wearing your huaraches.

Is the teaching position for Español? Es posible, Wish me luck.

It's Spanish.

Hank I thought maybe I could show some initiative and canvass the area with Strickland flyers.

You remind me of a young me.

Just a little tip.

I like to put them in face down.

That way, when they get in the driver's seat, bam! There it is.

[children chattering.]

Peggy, what are you doing here? I just wanted to see how your interview went.

Well, it may have been the best interview of my life right up until they said they'd really rather hire a nun.

Just being celibate isn't enough.

[children chattering.]

-Who's next? -I am.

Sister Peggy Hill.

So, may I see your résumé? Oh, well, my résumé is is written on the smiling faces of the children of El Salvador where I did my most recent nunning.

You know what? I have free international calling on my cellular telephone.

Why don't I just give them a jingle-jangle and get a reference? Oh, yes.

That would be great.

Except my order just took a permanent vow of silence.

And if you ask me, not a moment too soon, huh? Yakety-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak.

Sister Peggy this school could really use a teacher with your qualifications.

But I'm afraid-- Mother Superior, do you know what a calling is? All of my life I've had a calling to teach.

This is my life's work.

But without a résumé or references-- I do come with a reference, the best there is.

He doesn't have a telephone or a fax but I believe he is listed in the Book.

[dog barking.]

[gaspiig.]

[speakiig Spaiish.]

[speakiig Spaiish.]

[groaiiig.]

[gruitiig.]

[groaiiig.]

[speakiig Spaiish.]

[gui firiig.]

Up, down, left, right.

[door opening.]

Peggy, someone found these flyers in a dumpster.

Now, I have a hard time imagining that their windshields collected them into a neat pile, and threw them away.

-Call me cynical-- -Well, yes.

I may have advertently thrown them away.

I am a terrible Strickland employee.

-I quit.

-Quit? Well, I was just gonna let you off with a warning and monitor your performance.

Hank, I have great news.

I just got my dream job teaching Spanish full-time at Saint lgnatius Catholic School.

But you already have a dream job.

Junior grill associate at Strickland Propane.

Hank, I am thrilled with me.

Why can't you be? Okay, fine.

Go teach.

Propane sells itself.

Doesn't need you.

[bell gonging.]

Bueios días, Me llamo Mrs.

Sister Peggy a nun.

Can anyone tell me what this is? In Español, [speaking Spanish.]

[speaking Spanish.]

[speaking Spanish.]

[speaking Spanish.]

[all gasping.]

Oh, children.

The only one who should be afraid of the ruler is Señor Piñata.

[all gasping.]

[children chattering.]

Okay, my turn.

Tongue-kiss a lizard or take a shower in Bill's bathroom? -Lizard.

-The lizard, man.

Why is the other choice always ""take a shower in Bill's bathroom?"" Adios, If I'm home late, it'll be because my new students are so engrossed they will not let me leave.

Yep, I will be home late.

Well, I'm gonna be home on time Iike always, because Strickland is a well-oiled machine.

Well, I guess we're just different that way, Hank.

I need excitement to feel excited.

[car door closing.]

Here's one.

Put a wasp up your nose or take a shower in Bill's bathroom? [singing in Spanish.]

[bell ringing.]

Sister Peggy, will you come play kickball with us? All right.

But I am not playing catcher.

I have kneeled enough for one day.

So, how's your first week going? Oh, Mother Superior thank you so much for giving me this chance.

This is easily the most rewarding job I have ever had.

More rewarding than teaching crippled children to walk in El Salvador? Tons more.

Well, I couldn't be more pleased with your work.

As a matter of fact, I've assigned you to cover my Principles of Catholicism class next period.

-Principles of Catholicism? -It's only for a couple of weeks.

I can't get out of jury duty.

It's my own fault for registering to vote.

Well, thank you so much.

But religion's not really my subject.

[laughing.]

Oh, not your subject! You're gonna replace Sister Mary Catherine as the cutup around here.

So.

Let's see, what was the last thing you were studying with the Mother Superior? -Transubstantiation.

-Trans what now? Transubstantiation.

Oh.

Okay.

Tell you what.

Why don't we just rap about God? Sister Peggy, I have a question.

Does God have a last name? Well I would have to say no.

He only has one name, like Cher.

[students murmuring.]

Sister Peggy, if cats can't pray, do they still go to heaven? Well, now, I'm not sure where I heard this, but all dogs go to heaven so I am sure that cats do not.

[students murmuring.]

Come on.

Keep them coming.

Let's see who can stump the sister.

Bobby, sorry I did not have time to make you lunch this morning but maybe you can trade this can of beets for something, huh? You know, Donna had plenty of time to make her kids lunch and she was robbing us blind.

-Hank, when are you going to quit sulking? -I don't know but when I do, I'll give you two weeks' notice which is more than you gave me.

All right, you're disappointed.

I get it.

You know how the smell of propane gives you goose bumps? For me, it is the smell of children learning Spanish.

I wish you could open your nose to my passion.

[sighing.]

And you never believed in my comedy career either! Billy.

There you go.

-There.

-Sister Peggy I dropped my practice wafer on the floor.

Five-second rule.

Excuse me, Sister.

I'm looking for.

Peggy? Holy crap! What are you wearing? It is called a habit, sir, and you are drunk.

I'll be right back.

Danny, lead the room in a game of Bible hangman.

All right.

I am going to be straight with you.

I'm not really a nun.

I am only pretending to be a nun so I can teach here.

You would rather live a lie than sell an honest day's gas? Hank, this is the best job I have ever had.

I feel like I'm really making a difference in my students' lives.

You're impersonating a nun! With the gajillion things that are right about this you zoom right in on the one negative.

It's not like I'm dressing up as a rabbi and circumcising people left and right.

And people do that, you know.

[sighing.]

At least when Whoopi Goldberg posed as a nun she was running from gangsters! [gasping.]

[choir siigiig.]

[screamiig.]

[speakiig Spaiish.]

Oh, please! A real priest would never do that.

Oh, this is the worst show ever.

Is it another flashback episode? I know anger is a sin but it really steams me that kids could watch this show and think it represents the teachings of the Catholic Church.

Oh, so the moiseñor kills a few people here and there.

I say whatever gets people talking about Catholicism is a good thing.

Sister, our children's souls are at stake.

What if one of your students watched an episode and spit sacramental wine? Or used a communion wafer as a ninja throwing star? Okay.

Say those are sins.

It's nothing a confession with Father McCleary couldn't take care of.

I hear he can fix anything.

Oh, he is good.

Sister Peggy, if the children are confused with a lot of nonsense they may lose their faith.

And you know how God punishes that.

Eternal damnation.

-Do you mean hell? -Yep.

So if you don't mind, the Ladies Doral Open is on.

[sighing.]

Sorry I'm late.

So what can I fill your little minds with? Sister Peggy, I really like going to church.

Does that mean I can give it up for Lent? Well, I'm pretty sure God wouldn't like it.

But what can he do? You caught him in a technicality.

Good for you.

Now, who had that question about birth control? [students screaming.]

[speaking Spanish.]

[students screaming.]

[screaming.]

I didn't know it was a sin! You leave her alone! It's not her fault! Oh, thank God! Sorry about that.

Just be a second.

That's a clean-burning hell, I tell you what! [laughing.]

No! Moiseñor, please! Please! I didn't mean to damn their mortal souls for all of eternity! I just wanted a full-time job! Oh! Oh, God! Class I have bad news for anyone who did well on the last test.

I.

Mother Superior? -What happened to jury duty? -The trial's over.

You just can't get a jury to convict in this country.

So, did you finish the chapter on transubstantiation? Well, yes.

But I think my take on the whole thing might be a tad blasphemous.

Mother Superior, I have a confession to make.

I am not a nun.

I am a Methodist.

[all gasping.]

Why would you do this? Because I love to teach, not because I hate your religion.

I want to be very clear about that.

I want you out of here now.

I hope that you can forgive me.

I think you have to.

[grunting.]

[sighing.]

What are you doing here? I made a promise.

And I am keeping it.

I couldn't find full-time teaching work, so I'm here to begin my new life as a junior grill associate.

-They caught you, didn't they? -No.

I told them the truth.

Working here is my penance.

I gave it to myself while I was still pretending to be a nun.

So, working at Strickland is like a punishment to you? Oh, I'm sorry, Hank.

I didn't mean it that way.

I-- No, I understand.

Teaching's what you love.

Any other job is gonna feel like a punishment.

Peggy, you're fired.

You mean it? When you finally do get that full-time teaching job here's something you can keep your pencils in.

Oh, Hank, you're the best.

Of course, you know it can't leave Strickland property.

(boy) Traisubstaitiatioi, (Peggy) Trais what iow?