07x13 - Queasy Rider

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Boomhauer.

How was Houston? Do anything, uh, interesting? Nah, you know, man, stuff, you know.

Usual ol' meetings, you know, and stuff with conferences, stuff like, you know, uh, dang ol' Liar! Show him, Hank.

An official Houston Texans bobble head.

If you're going to sneak around behind the Dallas Cowboys' backs you better not ask a Cowboy fan to get your mail.

You went to their training camp, didn't you? You make me sick.

Dang it, Boomhauer just because the Cowboys have a bad season or two, or five, doesn't give you the right to abandon them, right, guys? Although I guess if we root for the Texans, it doesn't mean we'd have to stop rooting for the Cowboys.

Well, they are in different conferences so it would only be a problem if they played in the Super Bowl.

An all-Texas Super Bowl.

His will be done.

Peggy, where's that list of ATMs in Houston? Me and the guys are going to watch the Texans training camp this weekend.

This weekend? Hank, we have reservations at That's Amore Saturday night.

I-I told you about this.

I booked the table in the kitchen.

The chef's table? You got in?! Oh, yeah, I sort of remember you mentioning that.

Hank, it took me two months to get that table.

I promoted an illiterate student to the ninth grade just because his father delivers meat to That's Amore.

Sure, let's have dinner in a restaurant's kitchen.

Maybe we can have dessert in the restroom.

All right, Hank, you are not understanding me.

When I make plans, I check with you first, but you you just go off and make whatever plans you want without even consulting me.

Fine, I'll consult you on everything.

Peggy, I'm going to go get a glass of water.

Oh, wait, Peggy, I'm walking to the refrigerator first.

Oh! Maybe I should just take Bobby.

Bobby, I'm not taking you.

I was just trying to get back at your father.

Oh.

Uh, Peggy, I've been thinking about what you were saying and I realized you were right to be mad at me, and I want to make it up to you, so, uh Ta-da.

Guess who's coming to Houston with us? And don't worry, I cleared it with the guys.

You're riding shotgun, and we don't have to share a room with Bill.

Oh, so, you've decided I am going to Houston this weekend, and what team I'm going to root for.

Have you written a cheer for me too, Hank? Uh n-no.

I cannot believe you.

I am not one of your propane tanks you can just order around who will obey your every whim.

Bobby, it's your lucky day.

Your father has a new shirt for you.

Really? No.

Peggy won't let me go to Houston.

Are you two having problems? Irreconcilable differences, maybe? As the only happily married man out here may I suggest marriage counseling with Dr.

Tim Rast? "Tim Rast will make your marriage last.

" I came up with that slogan during one of our sessions while Nancy was jabbering about something.

You're going to couples therapy? Dang it, Dale, how could you? Oh, he's great, Hank a real man's man.

No matter what, he always takes my side.

He knows who signs Nancy's name on his checks.

Huh.

So, all I have to do is show up and he'll tell Peggy I'm right and she's wrong? Y'uh-huh.

Even when I say something I know is crazy, he nods.

Huh.

Well, I guess as long as he's just there to tell Peggy she's wrong, I can't see the harm.

Uh, Peggy, I don't really know how to say this, and yet there's no greeting card for it, either.

What? Well, uh, I think we should see a professional r-relationship person.

What? You mean a marriage counselor? Like the one Dale and Nancy use.

Dr.

Tim Rast.

Yes, him.

Please, Peggy.

I just need somewhere safe to go and, uh let it all hang out.

Oh, Hank, don't worry, I'll handle everything.

I'll call tomorrow to make an appointment.

I already did Friday at 4:30.

Huh.

So, you made an appointment without consulting me.

Well, at least we know the first thing we'll discuss.

Even his elbows are nicotine stained, he refuses to acknowledge he's bald, and he sobs uncontrollably after sex.

Well, crying can be a healthy release.

Thank you, Doctor.

Say, it's that time again.

But before you go, I want to draw something for y'all to take home.

This here's a treasure map.

Ah Every time you catch yourself thinking the key to happiness is out there somewhere, Nancy, I want you to look at this map, because it'll lead you to a treasure that will bring the both of you untold riches for the rest of your lives.

Gimme! G'i! Dr.

Rast really is very good.

Now, I have solved the family's emotional crises up to now, so, I hope you do not mind if I take my own notes.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm-hmm.

So, here's the deal, Coach.

She wants to go to a restaurant and eat in the kitchen.

I know, I don't get it, either.

And I want to go see the Texans train.

I look forward to your ruling.

This is not just about going to see the Texans.

It is about the Chinese cooking class we never took, the matching outfits we never wore.

Do you realize we have no scented soaps anywhere in the house? Hank is always acting like the boss.

He won't even let me pay the phone bill because he doesn't like the way I make sevens.

Hank, I want you to go see the Texans, and forget all about Peggy.

See? Sounds pretty dang selfish when you hear it out loud.

Okay, let's do Magic Wand.

What's going on here? It's a relationship game, Hank.

I got it from Goldie Hawn's life coach at a conference in Reno.

Oh, God, I've been misinformed.

I need to get out of here.

Sit down, Hank.

This was your idea.

I think you'll like Magic Wand, Hank.

Let's play.

Now, you have a magic wand.

What's one thing you would like to change about your partner? Well, call me crazy, but I wouldn't change anything.

Well, that's not the right answer.

Give me the wand; I'll do it right.

Sounds like you two have an issue with control.

What I like to do is something I call Time Machine Therapy, or T.

M.

T.

I am going to k*ll Dale.

What I want you two to do is picture yourselves in the future.

You two are retired, no work, no kids.

Quick, where do you picture yourself? We already have that figured out.

We're going to buy his and hers motorcycles and see America, excluding California.

Mm-hmm.

Tell me more.

What more is there? Freedom of the open road, and such.

All the maintenance a guy could ask for.

Collecting spoons from every state capitol.

Meeting colorful characters like truck stop waitresses and corrupt local sheriffs.

We have set up a direct deposit savings account, and are just over halfway to our goal.

More if our son Bobby doesn't go to college.

I'm going to write you two a prescription I think is going to help you with your problem.

Uh, Doctor, if you'll check your notes, we only have half the money saved.

Mm-hmm.

Here it is right here.

But half the money will still buy you one motorcycle, and that would give you something to share together as equal partners.

'Course, if you don't want a motorcycle, there's other things you could spend that money on.

Like more counseling.

Is that us? It is now.

Hit it, Daddy! I can't believe you guys bought a motorcycle.

Evel Knievel had a Harley and a cape and a jeweled walking stick.

It was a cane, and it was because he had a crushed pelvis.

And a cape.

Mmm.

I'm having trouble making this out through my own spit.

What kind of idiot uses 'delible ink to draw a treasure map? This looks about right.

Start digging, Bill.

Can I take the blindfold off? I don't want any of your treasure.

I just enjoy the time we spend together.

Me, too.

That's why I didn't gag you.

No, Bill.

I promise I'll wipe my head first.

No.

We ride in five, Big H.

I just have to leather up.

Boy, we made the right move, I tell you what.

We didn't need therapy.

We needed a motorcycle.

Whenever we go to the hardware store she gets to give me a 20-minute hug, and I get to go to the hardware store.

God, that shorty helmet looks hot on you.

Hmm, well, I'll keep it on.

Kiss me as hard as you want.

Your stuff's cleared up, right? Mm-mmm Mmm Wow, look at those two, Hank.

Real bikers.

We're going to need some real biker accessories if we're going to fit in with this crowd.

Check out this wallet.

That's so it doesn't fall out of your pants during a rumble.

Could you add this to our wedding registry? I can't remember if it's under my name, Pepperoni Sue, or the groom's Lumpy.

Well, that explains why you two are acting like a couple of about-to-be newlyweds.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

You're only off by ten years.

We're doing a recommitment ceremony.

First time we got married all I got was a pair of assless pants and a bottle of tequila.

That bottle and them pants got us through five states in three days.

Oh, what a honeymoon! Yeah, this country of ours looks pretty darn good with your boots up in the breeze.

You said it, brother.

And now, me and the old lady are fixing to head up to South Dakota for the nuptials.

Yup, Biker Week in Sturgis, just like the first time around.

Yeah, tradition's real important to Lumpy and me.

That's why we're going to spend our wedding night under the same foosball table in the same bar as last time.

Oh, hey, have you guys ever been to Sturgis? Ah, it's a party.

and Robbie Knievel's jumping 13 dump trucks in the middle of a Styx concert.

Yeah, it's a solid week of free music, dancing, and pickle- licking contests.

You should come.

Well, it does sound like it offers a lot of fun couples activities.

We have been talking about doing a longer ride.

Yeah! "Live to ride, ride to live!" Pepperoni Sue, give them an invitation to our reception.

If you feel like getting us something we're also registered at the liquor store.

Hmm Well, dude, if we're going to be riding to Sturgis, we will need some sunblock.

I'm off to the store.

Good thinking, Motorcycle Mama.

"Live to ride and ride to live," you dumb cows! Hank, I may never sleep again.

Driving this Harley was amazing! If I have bugs in my teeth, it is because I could not stop smiling.

I should probably floss.

I'd ask you to start it up, but it'd wake up Bobby.

Ah, who cares? He gets enough sleep.

Move! It's mine! What is it? A mummified house cat.

It must have belonged to the pharaoh.

Hmm.

"Mr.

Boots.

" But that was your cat, Dale.

Impossible.

Mr.

Boots was white and fluffy, and feisty and fun-loving.

This is just a skeleton.

Wait a minute.

Nancy told me that he ran away.

Oh.

Potato, potato, potato, potato.

Potato, potato potato, potato.

Potato, potato, potato, potato Potato, potato, potato Oh.

Now, you have a good time at your Grandpa Cotton's while we're gone.

Fine.

But I'm not taking a bath with that baby again.

It's humiliating.

Okay, everyone, step away from the vehicle so I can execute a farewell donut.

Oh, quit dragging it out.

Just, go.

Go! Ride that hog, girl.

Bye.

Get me a sh*t glass.

Oh, you've been driving all morning, Hank.

Why don't you take a break? I can take over for a while.

Thanks, but I'm okay.

Maybe next stop.

Okay, Hank, Kansas is mine.

I'm going to tear this state a new one.

Yeah, uh, maybe we ought to switch off after Kansas.

I wouldn't want you to miss out on all that wheat.

No.

I'm still feeling surprisingly fresh.

Thanks, though.

You know we're almost there.

Why mess with success.

Smile! Come on, Peggy, smile.

I am sick of you bossing me around.

Let me drive, then I will smile.

Well, I explained to you in Nebraska.

It would throw our weight distribution all out of whack.

Maybe the coroner could take a photo of us after we bounced off the asphalt like a couple of rag dolls.

Hank, that's bunk.

I am driving.

Uh okay, but, see, Peggy, the thing of it is, it just doesn't work that way with biker couples.

Lumpy and Pepperoni Sue have a great relationship, and she never rides up front.

In fact, the spot behind the driver is called the The "bitch" seat.

What?! So, that makes me your No, no.

No! It's a motorcycle term.

I don't even think it's spelled the same.

Forget I brought it up.

My God! Maybe we should have taken the therapy.

Hey, let's stop at a souvenir stand so I can get a T-shirt that says "My husband controlled my vacation, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

" That would be a nice picture to show Dr.

Rast, huh? Well, maybe we should get a motorcycle with a seat big enough for three people.

Then Dr.

Rast could ride along and analyze our marriage.

Good idea.

Now, hold on.

We're going.

We are not going anywhere.

Oh, yes, we are.

Yahoo! Show us what you got, girls! Oh! Oh.

That's right, Hank.

Get a good look.

Because at the rate you're going, you will not be seeing mine anytime soon.

Nice to see that you've gotten vulgar as well as selfish.

Peggy, release the brake lever.

Nuh-uh.

This brake lever's on my side, and I will hold it down as long as I want.

Fine.

We'll just park the bike here.

It doesn't bother me.

I can watch the motorized barstool races.

You know what? I am going to the Greyhound station to buy myself a ticket to Arlen.

I'm sure they will let me sit anywhere I want on the bus.

You can't sit in the bus driver's seat.

You can't even talk to him.

Ho-yeah! Baah! Oh, will you quit your whining, you old woman? I'm wearing a bra.

Barstool coming through! Ugh.

Uh, oops.

Oh, excuse me, officer.

But before you go, this map will lead you to a treasure that'll Ha! I'm rich.

And you, stop playing the blame game.

Ha-ha! Are these fixable? No.

How do you tell what size you are in a nipple ring? Pepperoni Sue? Huh? Who's asking? Oh, it's that old biker dude with the crazy girlfriend.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Sorry I almost messed you up, man.

Wedding day jitters.

Look at the kick-ass skull ring Lumpy's getting me.

Huh, a smiley one.

Yeah, 'cause I know how to make him smile.

Mmm.

Whoo-hoo! Oh, man, that's good barbecue.

So, how are you and your old lady digging Biker Week? Uh, Peggy and I aren't speaking right now.

She's upset because I wouldn't let her drive us.

Hell, I'd rather get shanked than let my old lady drive.

And I'd never ask.

That's why our marriage works.

Boundaries.

Yeah.

Who knows her place? I do, baby.

Who knows her place, huh? I do, baby.

Who knows her place? I do, baby.

Who knows her place, huh? You okay? You look like you licked a bad pickle.

Pepperoni, show him your girls.

Okay, but they're a little chapped from the ride.

Uh, that's okay.

Thanks.

Where are your glasses, Hank? Oh, did you decide it's effeminate for a man to wear them? If so, I refer you to Mr.

Larry Hagman.

A barstool ran into me and broke my glasses.

So, just take the bike, and I'll take the bus.

Hank, this is crazy.

Now, get on.

I will drive.

But that would mean I have to ride on the other part of the seat.

You know, behind.

Oh, stop acting like a baby and get on.

I am not a baby.

: Are your arms getting stiff up there? A little.

I suppose maybe I could put 'em down here a little while.

Dead snake! Nice evasive maneuver, Peggy.

Hank, there's a moose drinking from that lake.

There's a moose? And a lake? How big are the antlers? Oh, my goodness, they're huge.

Don't worry.

I'll get us closer.

Hey, I see it.

I see it.

It's beautiful.

Yes, it is, Hank.

I love you, Peggy! Sandwich? I think there's one left in that saddlebag.

Ya Yahoo!