07x14 - Board Games

[bunniefuu]

This is just the right pace.

Especially after our last outing.

Two Pina Coladas in Minh and she starts talking about stealing a car.

Dark rum make me crazy.

What did she say? She think your feet lovely and it an honor to work on them.

Now where in the heck did I park my this way.

My memory trick is usually fail-safe.

When we got out of the car I associated the parking section with William Shakespeare.

So, naturally, the car should be parked in "2B," unless I was thinking of "not 2B.

" Will you look at those delinquents, horsing around with those shopping carts? I bet they're Oh, my God, it's Bobby.

Oh, man.

Bobby? Joseph.

This is what you are doing in your after-school program? Program was shut down, dude budget cuts.

So we're playing shopping cart chicken.

Hey, we can get them to push us.

No after-school program? Now who Connie gonna tutor? Bums in rail yard? This is ridiculous.

Our kids should be enriching their minds, not using a parking lot as a playground.

Something has got to be done.

The people who canceled that after-school program are going to wish we never found our car.

Where is that frickin' thing? We have a real issue here.

That after-school program is important.

Absolutely.

Our kids get out of school in the middle of the day when they air all those sex and drug-filled after-school specials.

Oh, Peggy, let's take this to the school board tomorrow.

They're not going to know what hit 'em! Well, I got to tell you, your initiative is really impressing me.

And not just because you're ladies.

Okay, girls, hands in the middle, let's go.

"For the children," on three.

Ready? One, two, three For the children! For me! Oh, I bet this must be very exciting for you, Minh.

Where you're from, you probably didn't have the freedom to criticize your government.

Why would I criticize government in Laos? My father was general.

I do what I want.

I was peasant's worst nightmare.

Thank you, Mrs.

Chapman.

Your request to ban sections "F" and "S" from the library dictionary has been noted.

Okay, everybody have their talking points? Yeah.

Oh, one little thing though, Peggy Hill.

Keep it short.

Sometimes you go on and on and on.

I find it charming, but you might lose other people.

Good advice.

And you probably should not call anyone "hillbilly.

" Or redneck.

Or dumb monkey.

Check.

Well, I guess that does it for tonight's meeting.

Nice work.

Excuse me.

Peggy Hill and the coalition to save the after-school program at Tom Landry.

Sorry, Mrs.

Hill, but these meetings last from 6:00 to 8:00 and it is now Oh, great.

Now, Connie gonna end up smashing carts like brain-dead delinquents.

No offense.

None taken.

I wasn't even listening.

Now, here's the game plan.

We take things to the next level.

New T-shirts? No.

Sweatshirts? Not yet.

What we have to do is get on the school board.

There is a seat open and an election coming up.

Do you really think we can win an election? I know we can.

You know, the turnout in these things is always very low.

The secret is to find a group of voters that feels overlooked.

Then look at them.

And I can get votes from Laotian community.

I give $5.

00 tip on French manicure.

I'm the Lady Di.

Well, I warned the folks over at Shady Pines Trailer Park about that tornado.

They were so grateful they're still naming dogs after me.

Great.

We've got pockets of votes in the Laotian community and in the trailer parks.

Then I score county-wide with my two-year teaching degree.

I wonder which one of us should run.

I mean, Peggy's a ball of fire and Minh, she's smart as a whip.

Either way, our kids are in such good hands.

Hey, these are supposed to be Damn Egyptians.

But, Minh, three women can't fill one position.

This school board seat, not Boomhauer's hottub.

Well, when you think about it, I'm most logical choice.

My daughter a proven genius, plus my perfectly symmetrical face is pleasing to voters and inspires trust.

And it sure would be nice to finally get a Laotian in power.

We got to eat their fish on Friday, they gonna eat our rice noodles on Wednesday for breakfast.

You've got the most school-related experience, the best interpersonal skills and a smile that lights up a room.

Yep, Peggy, I got to say, I agree with all your reasons why you should be the one to run for school board.

Well, thank you, Hank, but let's not lose sight of why I'm doing this.

It's for the children.

Now, I'm not saying Minh hates children, but I really love children.

They are three out of the five points in my five-point plan.

I haven't quite figured out the other two yet.

I'm thinking something about America.

Wow, dynamite.

Even though Dale says Principal Moss may try to assassinate us I think this is going to be nothing but fun.

I can't wait to get started.

I have so many ideas, I couldn't sleep all night.

So I make pecan sandies.

I appreciate your enthusiasm.

Now, it's obvious who our candidate should be, but it would be presumptuous of me to do the nominating, so I'm not sure how obvious it is.

Oh, you mean me? Well, I'm not sure I'm the person for the job.

Well, somebody got to do it for the children and if no one else wants to run No one? Five points! All in favor of me? Well Thank you, Peggy.

Nancy? Well, since Peggy's okay with it.

Okay then, done deal.

Oh.

Hold on.

Not that I want the job or anything, but Then don't sweat it.

Oh, and I wouldn't drink from there.

Doggy has a cold.

And I can't help but think that Minh did it on purpose.

Those pecan sandies were astonishingly dry.

Come on, Peggy, they're not shy people.

If Minh wanted to choke you, she would have just reached over and done it with her hands.

I will give her that.

You know, Peggy, you could still be the power behind the scenes.

Just like that little fellow in the Wizard of Oz.

Yeah, yeah.

You're right.

And maybe next election, I can run another candidate.

Then another.

Before you know it, I'll be running the entire city from my bathtub.

Mrs.

Soup and Mrs.

Gribble are waiting in the living room.

Here's breakfast.

And I typed up the monologues from Leno and Letterman.

Good work.

Now, I need you to highlight last weeks Doonesburys and tell me why they're funny.

Peggy, are we out of butter? It's behind the cottage cheese.

Behind the cottage cheese.

Okay, people, I'm glad to see you're all here.

Now, let's w*r room.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Thank you.

That was Bobby.

He was testing the line.

It works.

Okay, first off, we're going to need to make some signs.

Oh, we're just about done making signs, sug.

"Minh to win.

" I don't get it.

What not to get? I'm Minh.

I want to win.

Hmm.

Maybe we should focus group that.

Nope, no go.

Women 18 to 45 will be turned off.

Here's what we're going to do.

You know what would be a big help, Peggy Hill? Starbucks run.

Oh, I'll have a Frappuccino.

Bag of madeleines.

I'm all for Minh running for office, but she better not take my g*ns away.

She's running for the school board.

Then she better not take Joseph's g*ns away.

Well, I'm not crazy about making holes in my lawn but I guess it's for the children.

You know, my lawn is already dead, maybe we could put all the signs there.

No offense, Bill, but this campaign is about hope.

Oh.

Right.

I'm not saying you have to use the moment of silence to pray.

The kids who don't believe in God can just sit quietly and smirk about how they've got it all figured out.

Thank you, Mrs.

Chapman.

The next question is for Minh Sou-vnifnin-phone.

Hello, everybody.

And to my Laotian friends, sabaai-dii.

Yeah, you been talking about keeping the after-school program going.

I think I hear the sound of my property taxes going up.

And you fat cats with your pie-in-the-sky programs and your free prescription dr*gs.

No, no, no.

That's not me.

I do not want to increase taxes.

Yeah, sure, you'd love it.

No, no.

You not listening, Jethro.

Oh, this is ugly.

Someone has to stop the bleeding.

What my candidate is trying to say is that we will cut the fat and leave the muscle.

I know what I'm trying to say.

It's what I just say.

Please bear with my candidate.

Obviously, English is not her first language.

But how about a hand for her courage? Oh, you crazy? Get out of here.

The thing to remember, people, is that you are not going to have to tighten your belts because we are going to fix the pants! Give me that.

You need me.

Fix the pants! Uh, can I ask the candidate a question? What are you going to do to raise educational standards? Without raising taxes.

Fat cats! Let's see how you handle this one.

We all concerned about educational standards and I tell you where the problem is the teachers.

Did you know our school system require only two-year degree to be substitute teacher? Is that true? So you want to know how I raise standards without raising taxes? I tell you after I look into your hearts and you look into mine.

No teacher, full-time or substitute can teach our kids without having a four-year college degree.

That's exactly what I needed to hear today.

Wait.

I only have a two-year degree.

Pants! Children! America! She's taking teaching away from me.

That's my life.

How dare she? I groomed her, I taught her everything and she has the nerve to s*ab me in the back.

That is just not done in politics, Hank.

There's no way I'm going back to college.

I'm a teacher.

I'm done learning.

Can you believe that woman? I'm real sorry what happened to you, sug, but the important thing is to keep the after-school program alive, right? The what? Oh, yeah, of course.

For the children, but can we really trust Minh to deliver? I mean, come on, this is a woman who makes dumb blonde jokes behind your back.

Minh makes dumb blonde jokes behind my back? Hey, don't drag me into your little cat fight.

I just came over to save the after-school program.

Oh, that witch! Here's what I'm thinking: We dig up some dirt on Minh, and you do an exposé on the local news.

Then, after her support is totally gone, I jump into the race And give that freakin' dog the b*ating of her life! Well, I don't know.

That kind of reporting isn't really my arena.

Nancy, how much longer do you think you can milk this sexy "weather girl" act? Two, three two years tops? This is your chance to be taken seriously.

Get on the air and deliver the biggest news flash of your career "Peggy Hill is running for school board!" Well, I do want to be taken seriously, and I have some ideas Oh, honey, I'm sure you do.

It's just that no one ever listens to me Okay, okay.

We have to think constructively and get emotional about this.

Now, how do we destroy Minh? Oh, there she is.

Smile and wave.

Smile and wave.

I bury you.

What are they saying, Dale? Kahn is asking Minh to pass the potatoes.

Oh, come on! I need something juicier than that! I tried to slip in their house as a paperboy, but Mr.

Souphanousinphone recognized me.

But I grabbed their garbage.

Huh.

Look who's too good to hang onto a Sizzler coupon.

What do we have here? Come to Mama.

And that cold front looks like it wants to stay put right through the weekend.

So while there might be a "spring" in your step, there's none in the forecast.

Muy bien, Nancy.

Just how much fun is a barrel of monkeys? Well, two radio DJs And Miguel, here's some advice on the upcoming school board election.

I'd think again if you're planning on voting for Minh Souphanousinphone.

I don't think these are the kinds of pay-per-view programs thata friend of the children should be watching.

I told you, Minh, but no! You just had to see "Hobos Boxing.

" no grasp on finances.

Oh, yeah! Fortunately, there is an alternative.

I know someone who'd be perfect for the job.

She's a dedicated parent, she's smart, and she's more than just a pretty face.

She's me! Nancy Hicks-Gribble! Pick Hicks! What?! And if elected Oh, well.

to turn Arlen's schools into Wait! I'm running, too! Peggy Hill for school board! These are my people! They want to hear me speak! Arlen! Peggy, do I have these in the right order? You better.

Here comes someone.

Big smiles! Oh, it's only Kahn.

Ow, ow, ow! Go to hell.

Phase two complete! Van rented, ready to pick up constituents and sweep election! Phase three ha.

A victory dance! You rent minivan? What you thinking?! Minivan seats seven people.

I need 15 to swing election.

How much Peggy Hill paying you to be jackass? Something's wrong with the bug.

I can't hear a thing, but I see they have a new van.

I bet they're using it to bus their constituents to the polling place! Well, we'll out van them, but we'll keep ours in the garage.

They'll never see it coming.

Idiots! Why isn't this working? I rewired it myself.

You better get out of here, Gribble! I am this close to kicking your ass! No one threatens me.

I am this close to kicking your ass! Oh, yeah? Well, now I'm this close to kicking your ass! Let's settle this like men.

Hank, whose fingers are closer? Whoa, whoa.

Just because our wives are at each other's throats doesn't mean we have to be.

Oh, easy for you to say.

Your wife a loser.

Now, now, Kahn, maybe Hank's right.

I say we let bygones be Sneak att*ck! I win! I'm so hungry and tired I messed up the last 50 buttons.

Bobby's out, Hank's in.

Fine.

When are we having dinner? It's 9:15.

Fine.

Here's $10.

Go.

All right, Joseph, easy.

Easy.

Joseph, stop! The sign! So, they have a van.

Okay, Hank, Minh has her support here.

I'll concede Little Laos to her.

Nancy's support is well, she's been blathering about all the dogs named after her in this trailer park.

Which leaves all of this for me.

Hank we're going to need a bus.

We're not spending money to rent a bus.

It's for the freakin' children! Hank, the phone poll numbers are not good.

The projections show Nancy with four votes, Minh also with four votes, and Peggy Hill zero.

Now, I can increase my margin of error to five votes, but even then, I am just winning by the skin of my teeth.

Well, when people see that flyer you put in the Penny Saver That doesn't come out until after election day! Now, I need to motivate my base the hard-core constituents who would fight and die for me.

Hank, you have to make me a base! Call your customers! Uh, I don't really think I should mix politics and propane.

People's passions run pretty high about both of those.

Hank, I cannot allow myself to be beaten by Nancy or Minh! I could never show my face in this neighborhood again! I know, but with your numbers being zero and all, maybe you should just prepare a concession speech.

What?! You want me to concede to those two?! Hank, you're out! Peggy, you're in! I'm no weather bimbo, but forecast looking cloudy for you to win! Just because I'm beautiful doesn't mean I'm harmless, sug.

Have you ever wondered what happened to the weather caster before me? It's the voting van Yes, the voting van is here It's the voting van To take you to the polling place So let's all get on the van right now And vote for Nancy Hicks-Gribble For school board.

Hey, there, friend.

Ah! Oh, uh, I'm here for the voters.

Votin' truck already done come and took 'em.

But but I'm the one who was supposed to have done come and took 'em.

Hang on there, mister.

I want to talk to you about that fancy hat you got on your head there.

Uh, but I don't want to talk about my fancy hat.

Son-of-a-bitch! Hello, election bus here! Somebody! Down, Nancy.

Hey, driver, when are we getting to the polls? Never.

I cannot believe we lost to that Chapman looney.

Yeah, not only that, it say there she's getting rid of after-school program.

And biology and all "offensive" encyclopedias, whatever that means.

I guess we kind of burnt the toast on this one.

Hey, she only got 18 votes.

I h*jacked twice as many of your voters on my bus yesterday.

We could have crushed her! Yeah, into fine powder.

Ow, my eye! Cool! Maybe we should spend some time with the kids today.

We could be their after-school program.

Maybe we take them to A museum.

Or the zoo.

Which is a museum of animals.

It's for the freakin' children!