07x20 - r*cist Dawg

[bunniefuu]

(screams) Oh oh, my God! Bill! Ew! Where you eating nachos? (Lady Bird groaning) Mom, why is Mr.

Dauterive kissing Dad? Oh, Bobby, don't watch.

We called 9-1-1, shug.

Wow, I can't believe how fast they've responded considering I didn't give them my real address.

(coughing) What in the hell is going on? I smelled something coming from your house.

Not the usual smell of cooking and pine cleaner, happiness.

It was gas.

Gas? Oh, my God, the water heater.

Lady Bird, for the life of me I don't know what I did wrong when I installed this unit yesterday.

(sighs, grumbling) Hank, the repairman from the church circular will be here any minute.

Now, honey, I know that this is hard for you, but after last night, we need a second opinion.

Peggy, I know I can fix it.

Let me give it another sh*t.

We can't risk it.

I cannot bear the thought of going to sleep tonight and waking up with Bill slobbering on me again.

(gags) You must be Mr.

Walker.

No, Mr.

Walker is what they call my father.

Please call me Mack.

Well, Mack, Reverend Stroup sure did give you a shining letter of recommendation.

She said you were the answer to the church's sewer problems.

(chuckling) That's nice to hear.

But I'm not only a plumber, I'm also a deacon at the church.

I like to think of myself as a handyman for God.

Hello.

You must be the repairman that Peggy called behind my back.

Mack, this is my husband, Hank.

He's the one who almost k*lled us.

(groans) Uh-huh.

I said the same thing.

(metal clanking) Mmm.

Interesting.

I find it interesting that you tapped the pipe with a three-quarter wrench instead of a five-eighth, but to each his own.

(sotto voce): I guess.

Mr.

Hill, did you know that I've been repairing water heaters and water heater accessories for over 20 years? What a coincidence.

I've been selling propane and propane accessories for over 20 years.

I bet we both seen a lot of crazy things in our day, huh? Boy, I know what you mean.

I had this fella one time nice fella, a chiropractor (chuckling): He tried to use first-stage plastic tubing for a second-stage regulator.

(both laughing) I bet I can top that! I know a guy, installed a brand-new water heater without checking the old Gumson seals.

Next thing he knew, he woke up on his own front lawn after his neighbor dragged him to safety.

Nice fella, propane salesman.

What? Are you referring to me? Was that a sh*t? That was a sh*t, wasn't it? Look, I need to remove a section of the drywall to get to the pipes for further inspection.

I got to get my Dry Vac before that dust gets into the vents.

(growling) Hey, girl.

(snarling) Hello.

I'm Bobby.

Are you here to fix the gas leak? Hey, Bobby, I think your dog hates me.

(snarling) I don't know why you'd think that.

I've never seen her smile at anyone before.

I got a dog at home and I know when a dog has ill intent in his heart and that dog's looking at me like I'm a pair of meat-bone slippers.

(laughing): "Meat-bone slippers.

" I'm going to get a pen to write that down.

Don't say anything while I'm gone.

(growling) (laughing) Man, Mr.

Walker is so funny.

He's got this great routine about how Lady Bird wants to (deep voice): "Rip out my throat.

" (laughing) He asked me to hit her in the head with a brick.

What in the hell is funny about that? Maybe Bobby didn't tell it right.

(growling) What's up, girl? Huh, that's strange.

Mr.

Walker, you in there? WALKER: Yes, I'm in here.

The door seems to be locked, but there's not lock on this door.

I tied it off with a cord.

Look, I I still have the right to observe your work.

I just want to finish up the job without getting bit by your dog.

My dog would never bite you.

Well, she hasn't stopped growling at me since I got here.

(growling) (gasps): Right there! See! She's giving me the evil eye.

She's a hell hound.

That's not true.

(growling) You know what she loves? She loves to have her belly rubbed.

And I love the use of all of my fingers.

Come on, give her a rub.

She's sweet.

Okay.

Hold her tight.

I got her.

(whimpering) See there, she likes you.

(snarling) Tell her she's a good doggie.

Good doggie.

(baby voice): Yes, you are.

Yes, you are.

(barks) Lady Bird, what's wrong with you?! (barking) I'll tell you what's wrong with her.

She's full of hate.

Black hate! That is preposterous.

(barking) What is with all the barking? Mr.

Walker is upsetting Lady Bird.

I'm upsetting her because I'm a black man.

(barking) That is a lie! You're just nervous, which is making her nervous.

Hank, get that dog out of here! But, Peggy, he Now, Hank! (growling) Mack, I apologize for my husband.

He's always had an unhealthy relationship with that dog.

Listen, we're making hamburgers on the grill and I insist that you join us for lunch.

I hope you like ketchup.

(sighs): Can you believe that guy? First he kicks me off my own water heater then he has the nerve to call Lady Bird prejudiced.

Yeah, man, talking about ol' Lady Bird, man.

Like dang ol' disposition of dove, man.

Coo, ooh, ooh, ooh.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, Lady Bird's so nice she'd let someone eat out of her own bowl.

No matter how drunk they were.

Of course, I'm white.

Thank you for having me for lunch.

Everything looks delicious.

Well, thank you, Mack.

It is.

You know, Mr.

Walker, Lady Bird never acts the way she did this morning.

I honestly don't know what got into her.

I guess she was still feeling the effects of nearly being gassed to death last night.

Pickle? Mr.

Hill, I admit, maybe I threw the race card at your dog a little too fast.

But I swear I thought she was going to throw a few teeth my way.

BOBBY: "Teeth my way.

" (laughing): Brilliant.

Well, I don't know much about these kind of things, Mr.

Walker.

But I do know that a man should not be judged by the color of his skin but by the actions of his heart, I tell you what.

Amen! Mmm, mmm, mmm.

This is flavorful.

I wish my wife knew her way around a burger.

Well, let me get you another one.

All right, but if my wife calls, tell her I just had one.

(chuckling) (laughing): Did you hear that? He's henpecked.

You can't turn this guy off.

(growls) Call her off! Good doggie! Good doggie! (snarling) (snarling) Ow! Bad doggie! Lady Bird, no! (barking) (snarling) (barking) (growls) Well, I-I don't think she broke the skin, but better safe than sorry.

Mr.

Walker, I accept full responsibility for Lady Bird's actions, but you've got to believe me, she is not prejudiced.

I know she's not prejudiced.

She's r*cist.

No, she's not.

She's just getting old and she must have developed an acute fear of strangers.

BOBBY: Hey, Dad, the mailman is here.

Hello, you must be Mr.

Hill.

I'm your new mailman.

Mr.

Peters retired yesterday after 25 years.

Boy, that was some party.

(panting) Get your dog a chew toy.

I quit! See you in church! (sighs) Yep.

Yep.

Mmm yep.

My dog is a r*cist.

She bit that repairman who happens to be black.

Haven't black people been through enough? Yeah, man, talkin' about all man created equal, man.

Just like dang ol' pursuit of happiness, too, man.

There's only two ways to handle it, Hank.

You either sh**t her between the eyes Old Yeller style, or you sneak up from behind and get her in the back of the head.

Either way, it'll cost you ten bucks.

I'll choke her for five and you can keep the head! PEGGY: Well, I'll tell you right now we cannot have that dog running amuck, biting every black person she sees.

It makes us look like ignorant rednecks.

Oh, and it's bad for black people, too.

(sighs) Where did we go wrong, Peggy? Bobby, I know you're, uh, knowledgeable of the black videos and whatnot.

And right now I need you to use your love of, uh, Puffy and Diddy and Snoopy to help me.

Is it about Lady Bird? Yes.

Yes, it is.

(rapping): Drivin' down the street in my Escalade Drinkin' Cris like Swiss Miss in a chick parade.

Now, Dad, you keep petting her and feeding her treats while Lady Bird just takes it all in.

Check out his bling-bling.

There, there, girl.

Just flow with the nice music and bling-bling.

Lady Bird, no! Give them a chance.

Hurry, they're about to have the pool party! HANK (sighing): Lady Bird, don't you get it? A man should not be judged by the color of his skin, but by but by the actions of his heart! Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Well, hello, Mrs.

Stogner.

How is LuLu doing with the pillow chewing? That bitter apple spray you suggested worked wonders.

Excellent.

Let me guess what this little lady's problem is? She looks like a barker to me, huh? Bet she keeps the neighbors up all night.

Am I right? No.

She doesn't bark; she bites.

This sweet dog bites people? I don't believe it.

Uh, actually, she only bites, uh (whispering): Black people.

I didn't know she was a prejudiced pup when I picked her from the litter.

She just looked so darn cute.

Well, that is ridiculous.

I can assure you that your dog is not r*cist.

Oh, thank God.

You see, dogs only follow subconscious cues from their owners.

Well, what does that mean? That means that you are the one who is r*cist, Mr.

Hill.

(gasps) Oh, and by the way, my girlfriend is African American.

You sicken me.

(groans) What's up, Hank? Not much.

Hey, Roger, I didn't realize that was you.

(chuckles nervously) How are you doing? Could I get you a cup of coffee? I just poured one.

Have you seen the cream? There you go, Roger.

Some cream for your coffee.

Whoa! That's enough, Hank.

Is something bothering you? (sighs) Well, to be honest, Roger, I was accused of being a r*cist.

Hank Hill a r*cist? But you got me my job here.

Wait.

The guy who called you that, was he wearing a bow tie? It's not a pretty thing to be accused of I tell you what.

You're really shook up about this.

Look, I know you're not like that.

But if it'll make you feel better, you should take this Internet test my brother-in-law made us take last Thanksgiving.

It's a good test.

Said I was "racially unbiased" and I love gay people.

I didn't see that one coming, but I'm happy.

Roger, show me this test.

Faster, Hank! If you don't finish within the time limit, it voids the test! But I don't remember what keys to press.

Does the letter "E" stand for white or black? And what's "l"? Is it good or bad? I don't know.

Just push one! You don't have time to think about it.

That's how the test works.

It's on a subconscious level.

Go, go, go! This thing is so Hey, guys.

What's going on? Hank's taking the r*cist test.

Oh, wow.

Is he a r*cist? We don't know yet.

I'm trying to concentrate.

Yeah, what are you, some kind of r*cist? You're almost there, buddy.

Quiet.

This test has to be some kind of a joke.

I mean how can it determine if you're r*cist or not? Almost done.

Just a couple more.

There, you're finished.

Now we just wait while it tallies up your score.

Well, I don't think you can really go by something like this.

I'm sure it's more of a game.

You know, for fun.

(chuckles) "Your test results show that you strongly prefer the company of white people.

" What?! Wow, and the "strongly" is flashing.

Ugh! Man! This test is 100% incorrect.

I do not prefer white people over others.

Roger, tell 'em.

I poured you cream! Monday's the earliest I could schedule a repairman to fix the water heater.

But I boiled up some water for a sponge bath and had enough left over for a cup of tea a cup of soup and a boiled egg.

Fine.

What's wrong? You can have the egg.

I took this stupid racial preference test on the Internet today in front of the whole office and failed miserably.

The results claim that I only like white people.

A test? Come on, faster, Peggy.

You're nearly done.

Don't rush me! I can't even remember what keys to push here.

See? I told you it was stupid.

There's no way this test can determine anything.

I can't even believe I'm taking it.

There.

There, you've finished.

Now it adds up your crazy score.

You know, I don't even care what it says because this test is absolutely stu Oh, yeah! Strongly prefer the company of black people? Well, you can't argue with results, Hank.

Quite honestly, I think it's a pretty good test.

Honey, check to see if there's paper in the printer.

I want to make a copy.

CHOIR: Amen.

Please be seated.

For today's sermon, I'd like all the children of the flock to gather up front.

You sicken me.

Can anyone tell me what color this is? ALL: White.

How about this one? ALL: Black.

Very good.

Did you know that God created all the colors and loves them all equally? That's why he puts them in the same box.

Unfortunately, there are some people in the world who would prefer to keep white crayons in their own box separate from the other crayons.

(sighs) Hank, Reverend Stroup loaned us a tool to help with our burden.

And by virtue of my desire to be around black people, I will help guide you on the road to recovery.

What am I supposed to do with these? They're racial tolerance dolls.

You practice interacting with them.

I will not play with dolls.

Do you want me to tell Reverend Stroup you wouldn't even try? (sighs) What do I have to do? The first step to recovery is to admit that you have a problem with black people.

But I don't.

A man should not be judged by the color of his skin, but by the actions Admit it! Sorry, Hank, but it's part of the treatment.

Now admit it! If you found those dolls in my room, I swear I've never seen them before.

Relax, Bobby.

They belong to your father.

Dad plays with dolls? Mm-hmm.

No, I'm not playing with dolls.

I'm, uh, interacting with them.

Oh.

Can I interact with the dolls, too? (sighs) Sure, son, let's interact together.

(high voice): Hello, have you seen a big fluffy kitty running around here? What's your kitten's name? We call her Whiskers, but she'll answer to Kee-Kee.

Here, Kee-Kee-Kee-Kee-Kee.

(sighs) Uh, come on, Kee-Kee.

Where are you? (doorbell rings) I'll get it.

You two just keep on looking for that cat.

Maybe your cat is under the table.

Here, Kee-Kee.

Lady Bird, no! Wait! Lady Bird, drop it! Dear Lord, we have formed a prayer circle to pray for Hank Hill's r*cist heart.

(barking) (all gasp) BILL: Come on, people now, smile on your brother Everybody get together Got to love one another right now.

PEGGY: Just down the hallway on your right.

(grunts) So, you got yourself a leak, do you? Well, don't you worry.

I'll fix her good as new.

Uh, you might want to I got a magnetic screwdriver you can use.

You're dropping the screws on the floor.

You're going to lose them.

Look, you called me because you needed my help, so if you'll just let me do the job.

(growling) What's wrong, Lady Bird? (yelling) Get your dog off of me! Lady Bird, stop! What in the world? I don't know what got into her.

She just started biting this white guy.

This dog is crazy! Getaway! Ow! Ow! Lady Bird's biting a white guy.

A white guy, Peggy.

That dog trainer was right.

Lady Bird did pick up on my subconscious cues.

But I don't hate black people.

I hate repairmen.

Hey, hey! You were upset that you couldn't fix the heater and so that's why Lady Bird att*cked Mack.

Is Reverend Stroup still here? She's got to see this.

Let's go get her before they start another song.

Wait! Don't leave me! Help! Coming.

Hello? Good Lord! Mr.

Walker, please open the door.

The Klan meeting's been moved to The Pancake House.

Please, I can explain everything.

I assure you Lady Bird will not bite you.

Yeah, I've heard that one before.

You don't understand.

Lady Bird didn't bite you 'cause you're black.

She sensed that it really bothered me having someone work on my water heater.

Really? Yeah.

She just bit another repairman.

A white guy.

I checked.

And he's Scotch-Irish all the way back.

(sighs) I swear to you on my 20 years of selling propane and propane accessories that my dog and I are not r*cist.

(gasps) See there? She does like you.

Aw, you're a good doggy, aren't you? Yes, you are.

Yes, she is.

BOBBY: Here, Kee-Kee-Kee-Kee.