08x03 - New Cowboy on the Block

[bunniefuu]

Do the new neighbors have any kids my age? Joseph's getting too active.

I need someone to sit around and watch TVwith.

Stop it! No more families on the block! Look at those free weights.

That's the sign of a fit, single woman.

She's tired of the bar scene and is looking for a man to share her foosball table and beer can collection with.

Now, Bobby, if a teenager moves into that house, I'm counting on you to teach him our community values.

I know there's a lot of pressure being the Block Captain's kid, but that was the life you were born into.

KAHN: Hey, Country Bear Jamboree! My grandma send me birthday check, but it not in my mailbox.

Which one of you take it? Why would we steal your check? How do I know?! Maybe your wife needs new pitchfork.

I hope the new neighbor isn't another Kahn.

His cracks about Peggy are funny, but other than that, he's completely useless.

Here comes the new neighbor.

It is a lady! A big lady.

It's a man.

Oh, I didn't know this was the type of neighborhood where guys stood outside drinking beer.

And I'm totally psyched, man! I'm totally psyched! Well, you should be psyched.

You can drink in the alley until 8:15 p.

m.

It's all in the block charter which I left in your mailbox.

Hank Hill, Block Captain.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Willie Lane.

Huh.

Anybody ever tell you that you've got the same name as a Dallas Cowboy backup lineman from the 1976 to '79 seasons? No.

Yep.

"Big" Willie Lane.

Blocked a kick to b*at the 49ers.

Then was cut one year later and moved down to Mexico where he now wrestles animals for tourists' pennies.

You sure about that, chief? Whoa, that's that's a Super Bowl ring.

Sweet Lord, you're Big Willie Lane! Got dang, man.

You're even better than a single lady.

Yay! I like this little chicken chest.

He's got spirit.

Yay! Ow, my-my head.

Look at him over there, Peggy.

They never lose that nobility.

Oh, God, he's coming this way.

Just just look casual.

WILLIE: Hey, Hank! I thought you'd want to see this.

It's the football from the kick I blocked.

Looks just like it did on TV.

(clears throat) Oh, uh, Willie, this is my wife, Peggy.

(chuckling): Hey Didn't you used to be one of our cheerleaders? (laughing): Me? Oh, no.

But I did go to a Cowboy's game in 1978.

Maybe you recognize me from the stands.

Dad, I changed my mind again.

Medium rare.

Think fast, big guy.

(grunts) Listen here, buddy.

You have to catch it out in front with your hands, not try to cradle it into your body.

It's a little something Billy Joe DuPree showed me.

"Billy Joe Dupree.

" HANK: Way to go, Bobby.

Now, you listen to all the pointers this man gives you.

He was taught about football and life from the great Coach Landry.

Hey, Hank, there's a Cowboy's game on later if you want to come over.

Okay, yeah, that sounds great.

And you can bring the guys.

They seem pretty cool.

See, Peggy, I told you the guys were cool.

Run, damn it, run! No, don't go out of bounds! (sputters): Wuss! Passion.

(horn blowing) Halftime.

I'll grab a few brews.

And, hey, if we do this again, would you guys mind bringing Sam Adams instead of Alamo? No problem.

I'll just dip into my son's college fund.

Guys, my uniform is too tight.

You think Willie would be offended if I took my pants off? Got dang it, Bill, don't screw this up.

Hey, you guys want to see some stuff from my career? Hank, you've seen this.

It's the football from that kick I blocked.

Oh and here's a picture from that kick I blocked.

Hey, Willie, I have something I think you'd be interested in.

Well, who's that handsome stud? That's you before the weight gain.

Hey, Willie, how'd you feel about letting me borrow your Super Bowl ring to wear to Ladies Night at Shananigans tomorrow? Bill, game room.

Now.

Can I have some more chips, or would that be stepping over the line, too? Five! Four! Three! Two! One! We did it! Cowboys win! (cheering) (phone rings) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Cowboys win! Hey, Bob, what's up, brother? Huh.

Willie specifically said, "Come over for the game.

" Boomhauer, are we overstaying our welcome if we watch the post game show? Mmm.

Well toss-up, man.

Oh, God.

The post game show's starting.

What do we do? Well, it's our first time at Willie's.

We don't want to come on too strong.

Got dang, I think that's Jethro Pugh.

As God is my witness, if I ever get back inside that house, I'm never going to leave.

(loud music playing) One good thing about other hillbillies at least they all pass out by 9:00.

This guy need to shut up or get stronger moonshine.

Then call him to lower music, but be nice.

Maybe when we go on vacation, we finally have someone to feed your stupid fish.

Feel like making love to you.

(phone ringing) Rock on.

Yes, hello, rock on.

This Kahn Souphanousinphone, your neighbor, and it's getting late.

Would you please lower Bad Company? Candy, climb on down.

I'm going to take care of this situation.

Oh, Minh, I think I'm getting somewhere.

Now, which one are you, pardner? You right across the alley? Yeah, that me.

He's coming to apologize.

That's a start.

Right on.

So, your house has the phone cord running right by the side of the house? Yeah, I'm not sure why that matter, but (loud static) Feel like making love (screams): The phone is dead.

Where my stun g*n? WILLIE: Feel like making love to you Oh, my gosh, it's almost midnight.

To you, and you, and you, and you and all of you.

Did you move back the curfew in your block charter? Because that would be very sexy.

Well, sorry to be a tease, but I just made a one-time exemption.

Really? Then I want the fine rescinded from my game night.

Well, Peggy, the appeals process Oh, my God.

Kahn's hassling Willie.

Uh-oh, you in for it now, big boy.

The Block Captain never stand for nonsense.

Hank, he cut my phone cable.

Yeah, right.

You're dumb.

Kahn, please tell me you're not going to run over here and blame Willie every time a phone call gets disconnected.

WILLIE: Right on, Double-H.

Right on.

I am not lying! Now listen, you make my family follow your stupid rules all the time.

So shut down this jock ball.

It's a school night.

Hey, Double-H, I'll bet a Cowboy fan like you would love to meet Roger Staubach's pool cleaner.

He's in there? Now? Well, yeah, he's a buddy of mine.

Come on in and meet him.

Uh I wouldn't know what to say.

He's very easy to talk to.

Now, get on in there.

Hank, I need you! Hank (whimpering): Block Captain.

I cannot believe you met Roger Staubach's pool cleaner.

Yup.

We played foosball.

He's a great guy.

Just a regular guy, I tell you what.

KAHN: Hey, Hank Hill, I gave your block charter to Connie to take to school for report on hypocrisy.

She get an "A," and teacher call you a monster.

So what kind of haircut did the pool cleaner have, huh? Was he a redhead? I'm picturing a redhead.

Willie's giving me some blocking lessons later.

He says I'd make a great lineman, like he was.

My son is getting a clinic from a Dallas Cowboy.

I've always said you had a lot of untapped bulk.

I'm going to do a push-up! WILLIE: Which one of you sports fans wants to give old Willie a ride to work? How about you, Double H? Excuse me, guys.

Official Cowboy business.

And that's how I blocked that kick.

That story gets better every time you tell it.

Hey, thanks for the lift to work.

I'm probably still legally drunk from my party.

(sighs) Yeah, uh, you know, Willie, I've been meaning to talk to you about that party.

Uh, I know you haven't had a chance to read the block charter yet, but, uh, it did go on a little late.

I hear you, chief.

But it's hard for me to go to bars.

There's always one guy who wants to prove how tough he is by taking on an ex-football player.

That's why I party at home.

If I get in a fight, at least it's with a friend.

Very responsible.

Hey, Hank, you're a big Cowboy fan.

How would you like to buy Deion Sander's truck? I'll give you the "friend's price.

" Oh, wow.

Well, l-I mean, it's a great opportunity, but I don't really need another truck.

Hank, thanks for the lift.

Rock on.

Rock on.

(chuckles) WILLIE: Hurry, Switzer.

You can do it.

There you go.

Uh Willie, I know Kahn's a pain in the neck, but this isn't really how we do things around here, and even Kahn never walks his dog on anybody else's lawn.

I hear you, brother.

I just lost my head for a second.

Oh, dang.

I forgot my baggie.

I'll run home and grab one.

Come on, Switzer.

Come on, girl.

PEGGY: Hank, how much longer are you going to stare at that big pile of dog droppings? Not much longer.

It's only been a couple of hours.

I'm sure he just forgot.

(sighs) I guess I'll just go pick it up myself.

(Dale humming) Hey, Hank, Willie called me and asked me to give him a ride home and to thank me, he gave me the "friend's price" on Cowboy legend Deion "Prime Time" Sanders' Hyundai.

Now, help me push it into my garage.

Dad, check out what Willie taught me.

(groans) Now who's your daddy, huh? Big Willie Lane! Bobby, what are you doing? That's cheating.

Willie says it ain't cheating if you don't get caught.

That's not true.

Well, what the heck happened here? Your new pig-headed, jock friend dug holes in my lawn.

(sighs) Lawn-scape as*ault is in clear violation of article nine of the charter.

(sighs) This ends today.

Mister, you are out of control, and it's time you get in line.

You know, I used to think you were a cool guy.

I can be very cool when someone follows our neighborhood guidelines.

Now get over there and start helping Kahn fill those holes.

You know, Hank, you seem to have a lot of spirit.

How would you like a pep rally? Hey, we could make a bonfire! No, don't Stop that! (sighs): All right, that does it! (laughing) So these guys started a fire in the alley and tore some planks off my fence.

You do realize that this is a felony.

Sweet Betty, that's a Super Bowl ring! McMurtry, get your keister over here.

I'm Willie Lane.

It's nice to meet you officers.

This is the guy who blocked that kick.

Uh, Officers Brown and McMurtry, there's the matter of the fire here Hey, let me try that Super Bowl ring on, will you? Last time that thing was off was 500 beers ago.

(laughs) Officers, uh, about the fire.

Willie, you didn't start this fire, did you? He probably did it, and now he's trying to pin it on me.

You guys can't possibly believe him.

The man Enough out of you.

Now get back inside and stop hassling Big Willie.

Hey, if we kicked a few footballs, could you block 'em? All right, you snap and kick.

(cheering) Dad, can I have a ride to the store? Willie borrowed my bike and seems to have lost track of it.

Chug! Chug! Chug! You know, for a guy who was a pro athlete, Willie's drunk a lot.

(sighs): Yeah, I know, Bobby.

Have you thought about where we're going to move to? I heard Tampa's nice.

We're not moving anywhere.

(men shouting) I got you in my sights.

I'm going to pack, just in case.

Hank? Kahn, I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

No man should have to live to see this done to his lawn.

So I was thinking we could work together to get rid of Willie.

I talked to my father-in-law last night.

He knows a guy who will do it for 5,000.

Kahn, I'll only operate within the confines of state law and the block charter.

DALE: Incoming! You sure about this? Because maybe we can get hitman to throw in Gribble as freebie.

We mow in two minutes, Kahn.

What do you think you're doing? Willie's sleeping off a hangover.

That's exactly what I figured.

Kahn and I are going to fire up our mowers every day at 7:00 a.

m.

, the earliest time for mowing permitted in the block charter.

Eventually it'll drive that hungover bastard off the block.

Over Bill's bruised and lacerated body, you will.

Lay down in front of the mower, Bill.

Okay.

What happened to you guys? Bill, don't you remember when this was the kind of neighborhood where you could leave your door unlocked at night, and no one would steal your refrigerator? I've been keeping my food in the tub.

And Dale, you believed in the block charter so strongly you signed it with your real name.

It's the only time I've ever done that.

Gentlemen, it is a new morning on Rainey Street.

(engines roaring) (snarls, barks) It's not working.

Time for Plan B.

There's a plan B? We didn't tell you for your own protection.

They wouldn't dare have their basket-bottle tournament with Deion Sanders' car in the way.

They were going to make me dance during halftime.

WILLIE: We can't play bottle donkey with that car in our court.

WILLIE: Hey, Fitzy, Tom, Tommy, Jack, Joe, Bear! HANK: Oh, what the? DALE: Deion's car! BILL (gasping): Hank, your lawn! I know, Bill, I know, but I think Willie just tossed his last car on his last neighbor's lawn.

Why would I tip a car over on my own lawn? I don't know.

It puzzles me.

But Willie says he didn't do it, and we have no evidence that proves otherwise.

OFFICER: Uh, Willie, this here's Officers Collins and Winchell.

(chuckling) They're off duty but came by because they wanted to meet you.

Could we check out that Super Bowl ring? WILLIE (chuckling): This little old thing? Sure.

Hey! Let's take a group picture.

McMurtry, grab the Polaroid.

Hey, I used to have a camera like that.

It must have gotten lost in the move.

Well, here, take this one.

POLICE DISPATCH: All units, at 250 Arroyo Grande.

Please respond.

Heh! Little help.

(frustrated growl) Help?! I help you get the hell out of my neighborhood, you big fat, muscle-headed load of rat-jackal-pig-dog-waste! You just called me a pig? Oh, you don't like that? Well, I don't care anymore! I don't sleep.

My career is going in the toilet.

My little girl can't study.

And all because some fat, jock slob play a little football and block a kick! I don't even know what it means to block a kick, but if you can do it, then any idiot can do it! HANK: Back off.

We don't fight on this block.

(groans) k*ll him, Hank! Bill's got your back! No, Dale.

If I hit him back, it's a fight.

Right now, it's as*ault.

Ain't nobody going to believe you, chief.

Bear, you see me hit this guy? Yeah.

L-I mean, no.

He-he tried to rob you.

Oh, you did so hit Hank.

Just look at his poor face.

A big bruise and the words "sallad syobwoc.

" Huh? That's weird.

Looks like Willie just hung himself.

Kahn, take a picture.

Good thinking, Hank.

Now we got evidence.

Dale, put it in your wall safe! DALE: Squirrel tactic! Now, listen here.

No one else in this town has a Super Bowl ring, so that picture is proof of as*ault.

as*ault? It Willie can't afford another as*ault charge, pardner.

That'd be totally uncool.

Then you've got two weeks to get out of that house and off our block.

I'm gonna need more time than that.

The charter clearly states that when a neighbor is deposed, they get two weeks to get off the block.

And that's all you're getting.

Thank you, Hank Hill.

Here.

Yep.

Yep.

Yep.

Mm-hmm.

In my experience, a lot of people say they gonna hit you, but not many actually do it.

HANK: Rock on.

KAHN: Yes, hello, rock on.