08x20 - Hank's Back

[bunniefuu]

Hank, it's hot again! It's Indian summer.

Okay, Joe Jack, you're on spatulas.

Enrique, accessories.

If we get any more crowded, we'll go zone.

Can I just get my t*nk filled? You know, I could do this on the Internet for half the price.

I've been here longer than him.

"Service" means "serve us.

" He's right.

Great! You're taking a break! Well, this all looks normal.

Normal? I spent all day at work bent over like an "L.

" Good posture is one of a salesman's most potent weapons.

I'm sorry, Mr.

Hill.

I understand it's painful, but soft tissue injury just doesn't show up on film.

Huh, so how do you fix it? Well, there's really nothing I can do.

What your back needs is rest.

Just have your office send over your workers' compensation forms, and I'll sign off on them.

Workers' comp?! Do I look like a hobo to you? No, sir! I'm not going on welfare.

It's Indian summer! Well, if you insist on working, I'll write you a prescription for pain medicine.

Whoa, there, Dr.

Feelgood.

I work at a propane dealership, not Woodstock.

Then I'm sorry, but all Western medicine can really offer you are dr*gs and nothing.

But some people have had good luck with yoga.

I heart here's a studio over in McMaynerbury.

Yoga? Isn't that a cult? The group that rented the space before them was a cult.

That's probably what you're thinking of.

So, those are my choices? Workers' comp, dr*gs, or yoga? I hate to ask you this, but I'm going to need some help putting my pants back on.

I hope I'm not being fussy.

Actually, I know I'm not.

But you put my canned tomatoes on top of my bread and my chicken right next to my bleach.

So? So, I think my family deserves better than poisoned chicken sandwiches on crushed bread.

Manager on four, please.

Forget the ID, Mandy.

Just sell her the cigarettes.

This lady's got some deal about the chicken or the bag or something.

Peggy?! Do you know who this lady is? This is Peggy Platter, the greatest bagger the Pink and White ever saw! I'm Peggy Hill now, but I think I still remember which end the food goes into.

Whoo, its been a long time since I was on this side of the dairy case.

Those were the days, huh, Pete? Me cutting my teeth in produce, and you anchoring check stand three.

Regular dream team.

I know you've got fresher milk back there! Put it out! Ah, everything's changed.

Ever since Mega-Lo-Mart started selling groceries, all folks want is low prices, convenient parking and huge selection.

I can't compete.

Yes, you can.

With great, old-fashioned service.

The kind I used to deliver.

Peggy, are you saying? No, I'm not saying.

I'm bagging! Pete, fire up your label maker.

I'm going to need a name tag.

Relax.

I'm going to move the energy from your thighs to your buttocks now.

Hey, is my back straight? Face the wall! Uh, hello.

I was wondering if yoga can help my back, because it hurts like all Huh?! Let me tell you a story.

Once I was like you skeptical, nearsighted, paunchy.

Then I met a special friend.

This glorious friend took me to places I thought I'd never Excuse me, but is this one of those stories where this "special friend" of yours turns out to be yoga? What time do you evacuate your bowels? What? There's only one right answer between 4:00 and 6:00 in the morning.

Well, this was a great way to spend a lunch hour.

Lunch is one of the worst things you can do to yourself.

Dad, I learned how to do a wheelie.

Watch! Pretty impressive, son.

Extreme.

How was it? Crap wheelie.

Dad, you look like that old man we hate getting stuck behind in the buffet line at Luly's.

Uh yeah, I just got a little knot in my back.

It's nothing.

Have you tried walking it off? That's great advice, Bobby.

I'll finish up here, then walk it off a little later.

I didn't want to tell Bobby this, but I spent all morning trying to walk it off.

I guess we're just getting old.

I used to be able to pull my thumb back this far without it hurting.

Now, when I do it, it hurts.

It was easier back in high school.

When you didn't feel so great, Coach Sauers would just give you some of those "go" pills, and you felt like you could take on the Dallas Cowboys.

Man, you talkin' 'bout them dang ol' "go" pills, man? Talkin' 'bout them ol' horse crank, man.

Yeah, Coach's special vitamins really did the trick.

I broke my leg going for a touchdown, and I didn't realize it for two days! Took seven police officers to get me into that ambulance.

Well, I may not have "go" pills, but I have something else that's going to get me through this my work ethic.

Hear! Hear! Oh, fine, I'll use a coaster.

Okay, big day today, folks.

Joe Jack, get those tanks polished.

Donna, where are those P.

O.

's I asked for? I'm Melinda.

Oh, sorry.

The new shoes threw me.

Maybe you should just go home.

What are you talking about, uh, Brown Shoes? I'm fine.

Uh, I'm just gonna move this over there.

And now for the test.

I'm ready, Chet.

Open the line.

Paper or plastic? Plastic.

That was a rhetorical question.

Hank, I had the most amazing day.

Maybe good bagging doesn't save lives, but I'd like to see a heart surgeon pack a watermelon and light bulbs in the same bag.

Yeah, uh, could you open this freezer for me? I got it started.

Hank, this is ridiculous.

You're gonna file for Workers' Comp and lie around this house until you are healthy.

No! What kind of message am I sending Bobby if I get paid for laying around doing nothing? Hmm, maybe you're right.

How's your back, honey? Great, Joe Jack.

How's your gambling problem? I'm sorry, Joe Jack.

I'm just a little under Hank, I can't have my salespeople all hunched over talking to themselves.

It ain't good for business.

You give any thought to going on Workers' Comp? Rest easy, Mr.

Strickland.

That's not gonna happen.

Whoa! Slow down, Old Top.

If you go on Worker's Comp, I can have Joe Jack's cousin fill in for you for half the pay and still have half to buy my new lady some studio time.

Mr.

Strickland, as long as I'm breathing, I'm gonna do my job.

Now, if you'll excuse me, sir, I have some new tongs that need displaying.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

Enrique, could you hand me one of those Workers' Comp forms? And a pen.

Wait, never mind.

There's a bunch under this desk.

So what are we looking at here? Slip and fall, carpal tunnel? Oh, here it is.

"Lifted two propane tanks at once.

" Yeah, I almost wrote "temporary insanity.

" Boy, a lot of paperwork, huh? Mmm.

It's half my job.

The other half is exposing fakers.

Why would anybody fake it? I love the look on a customer's face when I top off their propane t*nk.

The government can't send me that kind of satisfaction in the mail.

Mr.

Hill, you can take it down a notch.

Okay.

You need to see a doctor.

I already saw a doctor.

Just for fun, see our doctor.

There's nothing here, but you say that you can't straighten up? Well, maybe the first thing we should look at What did you do that for? It slipped.

As I was saying, back injuries vary.

I've found the best course of treatment What the got-danged? Oh, well played, Mr.

Hill.

It's my medical opinion that you might not be faking.

Go home.

Wait for your check.

Well, aren't you gonna help me? I don't want a check.

I just want to get back to work.

I already said well played, Mr.

Hill.

Back trouble? You look like you could use a second opinion.

Torn cartilage hernia, stress trauma Oh, we're going to need a lot more X rays.

More? I've had 40 got-danged X rays in two days.

Well, nobody said making money was easy, Mr.

Hill.

Think of getting X rays as your new job.

Oh, and for your emotional distress, here's the number of a very sympathetic lawyer.

"Accidente?!" Hey, this guy's on TV.

This consultation is over.

And you have a great day, you hear? You know, bagging groceries has given me a strange window into people's lives.

I put their secrets in a paper sack.

I tell them to have a great day, but I'm not sure they do.

I'm up to three beers on my lunch break.

Mmm.

Yup.

Yep.

Mm-hmm.

Yup.

All I want to do is go to work and everybody's acting like I'm trying to pull off some kind of scam.

Your shoe's untied, Bill.

How embarrassing.

I thought I'd removed the laces from these shoes.

Yeah, man, you been knocked down in your prime, man, just talkin' 'bout, like, like dang ol' Brian's Song, man.

That part when they go dang ol' talkin' 'bout ol' "Hang in there, Pic.

" You'll see, Hank.

Lying around the house alone all day isn't so bad.

After a while, your couch and your TV will become your mother and father.

The couch is your mother.

Clearly, you are not yet comfortable being a leech on the system.

Slither into America's large intestine and clamp on, Hank.

Sorry, Dale, but that's not for me.

My first Workers' Comp check came today and I don't even want to open it.

Well, if you're determined to hold on to your blind prejudice against being a parasite, maybe you should go see John Redcorn.

Nancy used to get his deep massages and come home limp as a noodle.

Oh, Hank, you look lonely down there.

Bill.

Sorry.

Uh Hank? Uh Funny story, John Redcorn, uh See, I'm in terrible pain.

Close the door Yeah So, uh This is my first massage.

Put your face in the hole, Hank.

Can you make the lights any brighter? That's as bright as they go.

Is this Luther Vandross? Teddy Pendergrass.

Can you, uh, turn it off? No.

It's wired to the lights.

Guess I'll begin.

Yeah.

I was also thinking about yoga.

Yoga's great.

Do it, man.

Forget the massage.

Oh, look who's come crawling back.

Hank, why does your yoga mat say "Welcome?" Because where I get my mats, they don't sell yoga mats.

And let's get started with Pavanamuk tasana.

That's a funny name, pavanamuk? It means the Wind-Relieving Pose.

Why do they call it that? Breathe through your feet.

Draw the air from the floor, through your ankles Breathe through your feet? You know, most men desire control.

Yogis control desire.

Excuse me, Victor.

Uh, Victor? Vic? Yogi Victor.

Yes? We've been doing these stretches for half an hour.

When do we start the yoga? Hank, do you tell your blood to start moving through your veins? Or the air to start filling your lungs? You probably do.

You know, Vince Lombardi won five championships without ever using sarcasm.

He just yelled and shoved people.

Until you learn how to do that, I'm out of here.

Hey I'm bending.

Son of a g*n, it's working! It's not working.

It is.

This is the first time I've ever been disgusted by the human body.

As you breathe into this pose, remember: I have a new relaxation tape of me making ocean noises.

And Friday night, my band will be performing at the Pita Pocket on Wimberley Road.

The pain it's gone.

I'm better! I can finally quit this nonsense.

One can't leave yoga, Hank.

Yoga Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everything is one way, then it's the opposite.

Gotta go.

I saw a man and a woman buying the same kind of soup and I introduced them.

Maybe I can even find someone for you, Pete.

Heck, who'd want a 40-year-old supermarket manager? Mmm, good point.

Peggy, my back's all better! Yep, that yoga mumbo-jumbo almost drove me crazy.

But you can't argue with this Where are you going? To work! Aw, dang it, it's already 5:00.

I wonder if I'll be able to sleep tonight! God, I feel great! Say "fraud!" I'm gonna leave a little early, pick up a "It's Good to be Back" cake for the g*ng.

Feeling better, Mr.

Hill? I knew you were a fraud from the get-go.

Fraud?! What? No, I've only been better a few hours.

Sure.

Let me guess you were just on your way to work.

I was! Look at my shirt! Oh, please.

My teenage daughter has a work shirt that says "Hank".

Mr.

Hill, the law takes a very dim view of workers' comp fraud.

Oh, God Are we talking about the bunco squad? I'll see you at the fraud inquiry.

Feel free to wear the shirt.

I'd love to help you, Hank, but you're on your own.

Mr.

Strickland! I know you're telling the truth, but when I get on the stand, I got a nasty habit of incriminating myself.

We can't have both of us in the pokey.

What about Team Strickland? Yeah, I never understood what you meant by that, Hank.

Now, I need to get Jasmine to the studio.

I got a record to produce.

Putout that cigarette.

You're gonna hurt your pipes.

I was going crazy when I was out of work for a week.

Now I could be out of propane forever.

Who's going to hire a guy convicted of fraud? Oh, I'll hire you, Hank.

I can always use a convict to blame my shoddy work on.

Mr.

Hill, workers' comp fraud is a very big problem in this state.

You know how many mailmen slipped on ice last year? You know how much ice we got in Texas? None.

Mr.

Chairman, I know you see me as a cheat and a fraud.

But back when I played football at Arlen High, I called a penalty on myself for illegal motion.

Wait, you played for Arlen? Yep, running back.

Would've probably won State if our special teams, and my ankle, hadn't broken down.

I played for Arlen, too.

Class of '75.

I was one of the "Sack-tastic Four.

" Wait, you were the one who yelled, "It's clobbering time.

" Mr.

Hill, you seem like a decent guy, and I'd really like to believe you, but you don't have pictures.

This lady has pictures.

She took those after I did my yoga.

You did yoga? Are you sure you played American football, not soccer? No, no.

I hate soccer.

I just went to that place because Uh, Mr.

Chairman, if it pleases the fraud hearing, I would like to call a surprise witness.

Wow, we've never had one of those before.

This room has an awful energy.

Now, which one of you doubts my powers? You? You? You? Calm down, fella.

Your powers aren't under investigation here.

Now, could you please tell us about Mr.

Hill's rehabilitation? I can attest that he came to class complaining of debilitating back pain, attended three classes, and he left.

He bought no merchandise, and complained about the incense.

Okay, and for the record, could you explain the nature of your yoga treatment.

I could try, but how could you put this into the record? Mmm Mmm ooh.

Mr.

Hill, this guy is not helping your case.

Exactly.

Let me ask you, what healthy person would voluntarily spend five minutes with this joker? If I wasn't in horrible pain, wouldn't I have kicked this guy's ass? We find for Hank Hill.

Congratulations.

Oh, thank God.

Why are you rewarding this man for abandoning the yoga way?! Look at him! He's clenched from his back muscles down to his inner eye.

You can't deny you still hurt.

Is that true, Mr.

Hill? Are you still experiencing any pain? Just an occasional twinge.

I'm sorry, Mr.

Hill, but we can't risk you having a relapse.

You're going to have to continue your treatment.

I demand you buy a t*nk top.

I just had the most brilliant idea.

As a promotion, I could compete against some sort of bagging machine.

A Russian bagging machine.

Uh, I don't know if that's gonna happen, Peggy.

Pink & White's going out of business.

Turns out people really do care more about low prices than good bagging.

I can't believe it.

Chet and I got offers from Mega Lo Mart.

Why don't you come with? Mm-mm, not for me.

Maybe, in another 20 years, people will appreciate bagging again.

Sure doesn't look like it.

And when they do, Peggy Hill will be ready.

That jackass at the Yoga center calls this one, "Sun salutation," but I prefer "Modified Joe Theisman.

" Hey, Hank, I feel, like, at one with everything right now.

I just felt my chakra open, honey.

Now we're gonna move into something I call, "Fertilizing the Lawn.

"