08x21 - The Redneck on Rainey Street

[bunniefuu]

I detect activity at the place Luanne used to rent before she re-barnacled herself to Hank's house.

She sure is wearing a lot of jewelry for the middle of the day.

Hello, gentlemen.

I'm Abbie Holiday, with Holiday and Sands Realty.

You are so lucky to be living here.

This whole neighborhood is red-hot.

You've got great curb appeal especially that gem.

Who lives in that charmer? I do.

Well, if y'all decide to sell, call me.

Rainey Street is hot.

Ah, here she is now, our Rice University summer school superstar.

Dad, I haven't made it into the program yet.

I just had the interview.

Of course, you're in.

You have perfect grades, all the right extracurriculars, and you've wasted countless hours volunteering.

Here, put this on.

Did we hear from summer school today? Huh? "Regret" "not" "unfortunately.

" (shrieks) It's all right, Dad.

This summer, I'll just study for fun.

(shrieks) You say no.

I say yes! There were many highly qualified applicants and unfortunately Connie has best grades in school.

Yes, but it's not just about grades.

I know that Connie also have more extracurriculars than anyone else.

Look, Connie's a really smart Asian girl, but I've got a boatload of them, pardon the expression.

She's not black.

She's not Hispanic or even white.

I mean, good Lord, give me a white kid from a public school with Connie's specs, and that kid could waltz in here.

You telling me Connie didn't get in because she's an overachieving Asian? (sputtering) That's discrimination! In a way, it's flattering, isn't it? (shrieks) Hey, maybe there's something that you left off of Connie's application.

You know, some kind of "hook.

" Has Connie ever had to play that violin of hers on the street, you know, to buy her strung-out mother just one more hit? No.

Well, that could have helped.

Ted! I looked for you at the Buddhist temple.

Oh, hello, Kahn.

We're Episcopal now.

It's just good business.

Oh, there's the mayor.

Your boy must be very upset about Rice summer school rejection.

What are you talking about? Chane got in, and he's got a super-low lottery number for the best dorm.

Air conditioned.

How can this be? Chane is just as Asian as Connie and, no offense, he's, well, you know Accepted.

Look, if you want Connie to get into Rice, just give them a $10,000 donation.

Call my office.

Trudy will give you the contact information.

Oh, Councilman Ebberd! Crunch numbers harder.

It's no use.

We don't have $10,000 to buy our way out of being Asian.

I should be more like Ted Wassanasong! Own my own business.

But I am just a middle-management ox plodding in the poop of the beast in front of me, and no matter how hard I work or how hard Connie studies, we all just stuck here.

We the kind of losers politicians pander to in speeches.

It's so exciting living in an up-and- coming neighborhood.

I wonder where they'll put the Starbucks.

So now that our neighborhood has been declared hot, what street should we look down on? Bagley? No, Apple Blossom.

Apple Blossom is crap.

Yup.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: If you like traffic, enjoy.

We got plenty of it.

(phone rings) Hello? Oh, yes, sir.

No, I filed my TPS report yesterday.

Yes, sir, I be there right away.

(sighs) (yelling in Laotian) Looks like you could use a new mirror.

I got a buddy who could hook you up if you want.

No, I member of Silver Star Service team at dealer.

VIP shuttle, free Wall Street Journal.

Thanks anyway.

Well, if you want to be a Silver Star chump, suit yourself.

That free newspaper's gonna cost you 700 bucks by the time the dealer marks up the mirror.

(phone ringing) Okay, thanks for everything, but I gotta take this call.

Sounds like them "gottas" got you by the shorties.

Hello? Oh, naw, just a little car trouble.

I'm just running a little late, but to be fair, you know, I have been early for the last 548 business days in a row Dock my pay.

Yes, sir.

Very good.

Dang, man, I been in jails that gave me more freedom than you got.

Yeah, but what you gonna do? Whatever I damn want, whenever I damn want, with whoever I damn want.

Boy, you say "damn" a lot.

Hell, yeah.

Listen, friend, I used to be just like you.

I was the monkey in that cage right there, Now, I don't take no mess from nobody 'cause I'm a man.

My own man.

Elvin Mackleston.

(phone rings) Take a good look at yourself, friend.

Are you rocking in the free world? Are you? (shrieks) Go to hell! Let's get you that new mirror.

Damn straight.

(horn blaring "Dixie") Uh, if you're looking for the package store, it's down Garland Road past the spillway.

Whoo-whee! Kahn, what are you doing in an El Camino? Test driving this baby.

That one sweet ride, I tell you what.

Not often your new mirror can be attached to a damn El Camino.

Damn straight.

Hey, what do you say? I want it bad.

Well, all right.

Dobber! You got a primo El Camino and cash money for your old car.

This is your damn lucky day.

After Dobber and me break your rig down for parts, we're going to do a little celebratin' on you, money bags.

I know what you're thinking.

Why not an IROC? Why not a "Z" car? But like Elvin points out, those are just cars.

A Camino is a way of life.

It'll haul anything: Rebar, copper pipe.

Hell, you hit a deer, he'll just flip over into the back.

You don't even need to stop.

I had you rednecks all wrong.

I'm going hang out in the alley and spend my welfare checks on beer like you guys, be my own man.

MINH: Kahn! Minh doesn't know the drill yet.

Huh.

MINH: You want to be a redneck? That's not even possible.

Kahn, I upset about Connie, too, but you have to snap out of it.

Your boss calls three times today.

You gonna get fired.

I got a new boss, and I love him: Me! Minh, don't you see? There's a paradise out there where nobody works, nobody cares, nobody have plans or dreams that can be crushed.

Oh, I don't know, Kahn.

Sounds crazy.

Come on, Minh, let's just give up.

Hmm.

I'd never have to read another Toni Morrison book for book club, or or write another check to NPR! Oh but what about Connie? Don't you see? This is for Connie, so she don't waste half her life losing at their rigged game.

What do you say, Minh? Will you be my redneck bride? Oh, yes, Kahn, I will.

Now take me in the back of that El Camino.

Honey, don't walk out I'm too drunk to follow I know you won't feel This way tomorrow A little rough around the edges Inside, a little hollow I face down some things That are so hard to swallow Hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey I was born a rebel Down in Dixie Hey, hey, hey On a Sunday morning Yeah, with one foot in the grave And one foot on the pedal I was born a rebel KAHN: Yee-haw! Go figure.

He's been pushing Connie all these years, and he's the one that broke.

Let that be a lesson to you, Dad.

Yep, he is really losing it.

I saw him this morning, and he's growing a wispy mustache.

He's got the coolest car-truck, and he's got a laundry machine in his yard for stray dogs to have puppies in.

It's the weekend.

Time to party.

Elvin and the g*ng are going cat fisting down at the lake.

Come on with your Daddy and have some fun.

Uh, it's only Wednesday, and I've got to study.

Did you say cat fisting? Most definitely.

The first step in cat fisting is to reach in and get you a big handful of stink-bait.

P.

U.

What's in this stink-bait? Well, you got your ground liver, blood, vinegar, Alpo and my secret ingredient that makes it stink.

When you feel their whiskers on your knuckles, start fisting.

(shouts) Hey, baby, look what I got for you! That's great, honey.

(screams) Look at that son of a bitch wriggle! (hooting and hollering) And then my parents made me quit practicing my concerto to play "The Devil Went Down to Georgia.

" Sounds to me like you're living the life: Fried food, no studying, the TV's always on (sighs) It's horrible, but hopefully, it'll be over soon.

My dad said he was going to go to the office today.

(horn playing "Dixie") KAHN: Connie! Look at this mother file cabinet they throwing out at the office! Your dad is white trash.

What are you doing?! Knocking $15,000 off the sale price.

I can't move this house with that pigsty next door.

Get out while you can, honey.

'Cause I'm as free as a bird now (sighs): You know, I like "Free Bird" as much as the next guy, but enough is enough.

This has got to stop, Hank.

Abbie Holiday said that Kahn is turning Rainey Street into another Belcher's Grove.

I didn't keep novelty mailboxes out of this neighborhood just to see this happen.

And this bird you cannot change (groans) (barking) Who the hell you think you are? Hank Hill, homeowner.

Hey, Kahn, I caught this guy trying to steal your valuables.

I was not.

Hank, you want a puffy toilet seat, all you got to do is ask.

Kahn, I'm worried about you and You want me to have Mud Dobber rough this clown up? You so much as touch my husband, I will knock you into next week.

That's real nice, buddy.

Hiding behind Mommy's skirt.

I am not hiding.

I was just about to thr*aten you myself.

Come on, Kahn, let's get out of here.

I got a case of beer that needs drinkin'.

Minh, talk some sense into Kahn.

You're the one who's crazy.

We're going to the street races.

Mud Dobber just put a new Adelbrock manifold on his Malibu.

Connie, last chance to change your mind and come with.

You don't want to miss that new Adelbrock.

It's loud! Uh, that's okay.

I'm just going to stay home.

MINH: You're not spending all night at home by yourself.

You stay with the Hills.

Well, then, we'll just have us a nice sleepover, shall we? Connie, do you have some pajamas you can wear? Yes, Mrs.

Hill.

Bobby, why don't you go with Connie? Oh, that poor girl.

Ah, don't worry.

Kahn and Minh'll sober up and snap out of it.

They're too arrogant to live this way for long.

I hope you're right, Hank.

Mr.

And Mrs.

Hill, I think there may be a solution to our problem.

See, Peggy, what'd I tell you? I just heard from Southwest Mortgage.

They're starting foreclosure proceedings on the Souphanousinphones.

They've only missed one payment, but since they let their house go to uh, this, the bank's not going to cut them any slack.

You mean Kahn and Minh are going to lose their home? With any luck, they'll be out of here in ten working days.

I got my pajamas.

I'd like to whop that neighbor of yours upside the head and feed bad meat to his dog.

You ought to get yourself a place here in Belcher's Grove where decent people live.

Hmm, I'm going to think real hard on that.

Come with me, honey.

Elvin caught a mess of squirrels today.

I'll show you how to de-bone 'em.

Squirrels? Yeah, Lucky why they call you Lucky? True story.

I was at Costco one day, and all of the sudden, the nature called.

Yelled is more like it.

So I high-tail it into the john, and there's some "sensitive" guy changing his little boy's diapers on one of them baby ironing boards.

And don't you know I slipped on pee pee and broke two vertebrae which had to be fused together.

I'm in constant pain, but by God, I got me a $53,000 settlement.

This son of a bitch is never going to have to work another day in his life.

That's why they call me Lucky.

That's why they That's a great story.

Ucky.

Hey, y'all hear the new Trace Adkins come out today? Damn, let's get it.

Hell, it's after midnight.

Record store's closed.

I'll tell you what's going to open it.

Me and a damn brick.

Whoo! Yee-haw! All right, who's got a brick? Let me do it! Well, all right.

Have at it, Kahn.

Kahn, put that rock down! It's Trace Adkin's new CD, woman.

I ate a squirrel quesadilla, but this is where I draw the line.

Rock go through window, I go home.

Aw, hell, this is ridiculous.

(alarm blaring) I warned you, Kahn.

I'm not going to watch you go to jail.

Let's get the hell out of here! You're doing all you can I tell you right now, this is the single.

I notice your woman didn't stand by you tonight.

You ask me, she made a damn fool out of you.

She took your El Camino and your two little teeny tiny marbles with her.

Oh, you want to see my marbles? I'll show you my marbles.

You want to go? Let's go! Ha! We fight.

(grunting) That was good.

Real good.

Stickin'? Stickin'.

Kahn I'm a' takin' you stickin'.

What's stickin'? It's Minh.

She's alone.

I'll go over and talk to her.

You give Connie a math problem to keep her busy.

Where's Kahn? I need to talk to both of you.

He's with his redneck friends.

You're about to lose your house, Minh.

What are you talking about? The bank's going to foreclose on you.

Oh, my God.

I I don't know what happened.

We were having so much fun being free and irresponsible, I-I guess we just forgot where our mortgage coupon was.

And our electric bill.

Oh, what did we do? Poor Connie.

Her parents drunk.

We nearly homeless.

Her father abandon her.

I'm not going to let Connie be homeless.

I'm going to find Kahn.

Now, you start paying some bills.

(phone rings) Hill.

Hey, Hank.

Buck Strickland here.

Yeah, I'm thinkin' about bettin' a fistful of money on that little Asian neighbor of yours.

Kahn? Aw, yeah, yeah, he looks like he's got real crafty Ninja moves, but can he take a board to the head? Where are you, sir?! At the stick fights down behind the lumberyard.

Kahn's on the card, three fights from now.

He's up against a soft-spoken gorilla man.

Good lord! Yeah! Hit him with a damn stick! Winner.

Next.

Oh, no! All money down, and commence fightin'.

Wait! You come to get your whoopin', Hank Hill? I came to talk some sense into you, Kahn.

Uh-uh, b*at some sense into him, Hank! I bet on the simpleton.

(cackling) You're about to throw away everything you ever worked for, Kahn.

You're about to lose your dang house.

Everything already been taken away.

Hit him, four eyes! They're talking about you.

Come on, swing.

Take me out.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start thinking about Connie.

You want her growing up in the back of an El Camino? Well, what choice do I have? We flee horrible dictatorships, learn a new language and then work hard and study hard.

And our reward for doing everything right is to be told, "Go to hell! You work too hard.

You study too hard.

" (grunts) Yeah, you got a real bum deal, but maybe you could take a lesson from Connie instead of these apes.

Even when you and Minh went off the deep end, Connie never complained and she never stopped trying.

You couldn't drag that little girl down into the muck with you.

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Connie like a beautiful lotus growing out of the muck.

That's her hook! Well, I'm glad I got through to you.

(booing) You wuss! Shut up and run, Hank! I got to get my daughter into summer school.

I don't care who.

Somebody's gettin' hit with a stick.

Young lady, you should know Stanford's summer school admissions deadline has passed.

I'm sorry my application was tardy.

It's been a hectic time for me.

My parents don't work.

We nearly lost our home.

My Dad abandoned us for awhile, and he was nearly k*lled with a 2x4.

That's him.

Hmm.

You've overcome so much.

Welcome aboard.