02x02 - Alberta's Podcast

[bunniefuu]

[APPLAUSE, CHEERING, WHOOPING]

[JAZZ SONG ENDS]

Where the hell is Clara? Ray?

Ray, where the hell
is Clara? She's up next!

- Nobody's seen her, boss. I-I don't...
- Oh, God.

You. I'm desperate here.
Can you fill in tonight?

Oh, me? In the spotlight?

- I don't know.
- Fine. How about you?

Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. My turn.
Sorry, Sally.

ANNOUNCER: Up next, Clara
Brown and the Uptown Gals!

[APPLAUSE]

Good evening, Harlem.

Unfortunately,
Clara couldn't make it. Huh.

But I'm Alberta Haynes,

and I'll be taking care
of y'all tonight.

♪ Once I lived a life of a millionaire ♪

♪ Spending my money, I didn't care ♪

♪ Carried my friends out
for a good time ♪

♪ Buying bootleg liquor, ha! ♪

♪ Champagne and wine... ♪

Damn! The pipes on this broad!

♪ So low ♪ [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

♪ I didn't have a friend,
and no place to go ♪

♪ But if I ever get my hands
on a dollar again ♪

♪ I'm gonna hold on to it
till them eagles grin ♪

MAN: Later that day,

Lauren entered her apartment.

Meanwhile, her sister's dead
body was lying in the adjacent room.

It's the husband, right?
He's got to be the k*ller.

Pete thinks it was the husband.

No way.

Says the husband.

Hey, what's shaking?

We're listening to a podcast.

Ooh. What's a podcast?

A podcast is like a...
like a TV show but without the pictures.

Baby, that's called radio.

What you're describing is radio.

This delves into the m*rder
of a woman named Hailey,

which is especially sad because
all Haileys are crazy hot.

PETE: Sam,

you should do a podcast
about Alberta's m*rder.

Pete, that's a great idea.

Always thinking of you.

I mean, not always.
I have other interests, too.

Not that you're an interest.
Would someone else please talk?

The ghosts think that I should start
a podcast about Alberta's m*rder.

A m*rder pod where you have access
to the actual victim?

- I love it.
- Yes!

Plus, it could be drum up
publicity for the B and B.

You know what? I could pitch it
to the Ulster County Review.

They do podcasts.

Oh, speaking of podcasts,
can we finish listening to this one?

Nice segue.

Little did Hailey know

that would be her last trip
to the Pilates studio.

TREVOR: A Hailey who did Pilates.

This story just got even more tragic.

ALBERTA: Now, be sure to
mention I was a famous singer.

Yes, obviously, Alberta.
That's all part of the pitch.

Ooh, I can't believe
I'm gonna be on a podcast!

- Whatever that is.
- Okay, bye.

HETTY: Excuse me.

But how many times must
I bring up the washing machine?

It continues to make a racket
that has ruined my slumber.

Yeah. I know. It's broken.

Jay said he called about it
this morning.

Jay lying.
He play video games all morning.

The one with the red little Italy

man and his green little Italy brother.

Seriously?

Thor! Don't be a rat.

In the world I come from,
there was nothing worse.

Yeah, we did some shady stuff,
but we had a code.

A code you did not break.

It's what inspired my hit song
"Don't Be a Rat."

♪ Hey, they'll flip on you
just like that ♪

♪ There's nothin' worse
than a low-down rat... ♪

No! Last time you sing, song got stuck

in Thorfinn's head for many moons!

ALBERTA: Okay, whatever.
The point is, there's nothing

lower than a rat.

What about ground rat walk on? Yes!

Thor win mind fight.

SAMANTHA: So, what do you think?

Well, I mean, m*rder, mobsters, jazz.

You got everything.

And this Alberta... she seems
like a big personality.

Oh, yeah. [LAUGHS] She can be a lot.

Could... be a lot, is what
I've uncovered from my research.

And she d*ed in the house
that you're currently living in?

I mean, that's a hook!

Right? I think it could be great.

So, do you have an expert lined up?

Well, I'm sort of
an Alberta expert myself.

No, no, no, no. You need an expert.

You're the journalist. You need a cohost

you can talk to about the subject.

Ooh. How about this guy?

Todd?

It's Alberta's toenail.

Why? Maybe I could one day

make an Alberta
from just a little bit of nail.

What is wrong with you, Todd?

"Todd Pearlman, curator

of the Alberta Haynes Museum
in Altoona, Pennsylvania."

Yeah. Uh, the thing is,
I've actually met him.

Wow, you know him? That's fantastic.

Oh, my God. He has
over , followers.

That's a built-in audience
right there. [LAUGHS]

Yeah, but how do I put this?

He's... a little off.

He's got, like, a-a giant tattoo
of Alberta's face on his back.

The guy's kind of a stalker.

Sam, someone who st*lks a dead
person is called a historian.

He's weird, Lewis.

I don't know how else
to say this. He's very weird.

Look, at the end of the day,
this podcast is your baby.

But if you want to do it
at the Ulster County Review,

then I will leave you with this.

No Todd, no pod.

[SIGHS]

[LOUD RATTLING]

You shut up! You shut up right now!

Oh, hey, Hetty.

You yelling at the washing
machine? That's cool.

This vile contraption
will not let me nap.

How is this progress?

In my day, the washer never made a peep.

In fact, I'm not sure I ever
heard Helen say anything at all.

[GASPS]

[GASPS] Oh, thank God!

Oh, Jay, I know you can't hear me,

but thank you very much indeed.

- [RATTLING RESUMES]
- No, Jay!

No!

Come back and push the button.

You know, there is an upside
to a broken washing machine.

What could possibly be good
about this deafening monstrosity?

Sit on it.

- Sit on it?
- Yes.

Why would I ever do something like that?

Just trust me.

Fine, I will indulge you
if for no other reason than to end

this conversation.

Oh, my.

I'll leave you two alone.

[SINGSONGY]: Oh...

Ah...

Oh...

Oh.

So...

how'd the meeting go?

Well, he really liked the idea.

- That's incredible!
- Yes!

He did have one thought, though.

He suggested that I have a cohost.

And more specifically...

that that cohost be Todd Pearlman.

What?!

You mean Creepy Todd?

My psychopath stalker?

Oh, the freak that collects
Alberta's toenails.

He was sort of emphatic.
He said, "No Todd, no pod."

And you said, "No pod," right, Sam?

Look at me.

Tell me you said, "No pod."

Why won't she make eye contact with me?

Well, I... [DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, no.

I got here as fast as I could.

Oh, Sam, what did you do?

I brought you a little gift in honor

of the official opening of the B and B.

That is sweet.

Sweet? It's probably
one of my baby teeth.

Oh, yay, this guy.

Here you go.

Oh.

It's your self-published
book on Alberta.

I really enjoyed doing it.

I'm thinking about writing other things.

Manifestos, ransom notes.

I actually have a bunch
of stuff from the museum

- out in my car.
- ISAAC: Right.

The museum he runs
from his mother's garage.

Research, files, artifacts.

I thought they would be
useful for the podcast.

Mm-mm, thank you, no pod, no Todd.

We're not doing no podcast no more, Sam.

Great. Jay and I will
help you bring it in.

Thanks, I had to clear a bunch
of space in the garage anyway,

because my mom's boyfriend Kyle needed

a place to store his bowling stuff.

It's like each word is
sadder than the last.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I can't believe this.
Creepy Todd back in my life.

Alberta?

Bertie, sweetie, you've
just got to relax.

- Excuse me?
- It's all good.

ISAAC: Hetty, are you ill?

Can we, can we get ill?

Well, if you're referring
to my relaxed demeanor,

it may have something to do

with a magical encounter I had recently
with the washing machine.

What happened with the washing machine?

No one knows, Peter, it's simply

one of the magical mysteries
of the universe.

Wait.

Hetty, do you really not know

what was happening
on the washing machine?

- Not a clue.
- It was making you aroused.

Oh, yes.

- Sexually.
- What?!

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh...

Well...

I will certainly...
not be doing that again.

Please, please look away.

What's this old piece of furniture?

Oh, be careful. That, my friend,

is an end table that belonged

- to Alberta herself.
- Oh.

SAMANTHA: Wow, is this a picture
of Alberta when she was a little girl?

Oh, that's actually a thing I did online

where I put her and my pictures
together and it shows

what our kid would look like.

[GROANS] Sam, I beg you,
stop asking questions.

Pretty cute.

Holy crap, that's my table.

There's a false bottom.

Sam, you tell him to stop
messing with that right now.

Maybe we shouldn't mess with that.

You know, just 'cause it's an antique.

- What is that?
- JAY: Some kind of old book.

That's nothing. Don't look at that!

Oh, my God!

It's Alberta's diary.

Whoa. Twist of plot.

Diaries are personal,
so keep your looky-loo hands off it.

Maybe we should just
respect Alberta's privacy.

Are you joking?

What are we even doing this podcast
for, if not to take advantage

of something like this?

What a find!

Sam, you have to get that back.

There's something in there
that can't get out.

Alberta says there's something
in there that can't get out.

Come on, what could be that
bad? She's always bragging

about hiding bodies and bootlegging.

All that stuff's nothing
compared to this.

So what is it? What's in the diary?

Trust me, you don't want to know.

I mean, now I definitely want to know.

Yeah.

Come on, Hetty, you can do this.

Clean thoughts, clean thoughts.

Clean, clean, clean... laundry,

washing machine. Damn it.

Has he gotten to the juicy part yet?

No. Todd's kind of a slow reader.

We finished this page
two minutes ago, Todd.

Let's go.

Wait.

Should we be feeling
a slight moral quandary

about delving into Alberta's
personal writings?

I mean, diaries are supposed to be...

private.

[SPUTTERS]

- On the other hand...
- Yes?

Todd is going to find out

whatever secret it is
she doesn't want us to know.

At which point Alberta will
no doubt need our support.

So in a way it'll be better
that we're up to speed.

So we should keep snooping.

For Alberta.

Oh, my God, I think
he's turning the page.

Yes, yes, yes!

- Oh, thank God.
- Do it, do it, do it!

- No!
- Damn it, Todd!

Come on! Come on, man, come on!

You wrote a book, read one! Please!

Alberta's really torn up about
this whole diary thing, Jay.

Look, I can try to take it from him,

but I don't think the Hulk
could pry it from Todd's hands.

It's, like, his Ark of the Covenant.

- His what?
- BOTH: Raiders of the Lost Ark!

Would you just die already
so we can be best friends?

Look, I'm sorry for what happened.

But, honestly, we're all gonna find out.

So maybe you should just tell us
in your own words.

Oh, fine.

Remember the story
of how I got my big break?

A real underdog story. I love underdogs.

Not that I'm saying I love you.

W-Would someone else talk, please?

The headliner Clara Brown didn't show,

so they asked me
to perform in her place.

What I never told y'all
was the real reason

Clara was a no-show that night.

It was 'cause she got arrested
and spent a night in jail.

And the reason she was arrested
was because...

I ratted her out.

[GASPS]

You want to tell me what that
gasp means or wait till later?

- Later.
- Okay. Catch up then.

Oh! I'm a rat, y'all!

A rat!

♪ Nothin' worse ♪

♪ Than a low-down rat ♪

Sorry.

What's all the commotion?

Did I miss a gasp?

Alberta is rat, which is ironic

because she give Thor trouble
about being rat earlier.

Irony he gets,
yet cars are still landships.

This is all your fault, Sam.

If you hadn't brought Todd back,
no one would have found

the diary and none of this
would be happening.

Okay, no, I-I played a role in it.

But, honestly, wasn't the
podcast, like, Pete's idea?

- It's kind of all his fault.
- What are you doing, Sam?

And just so you know,
Pete agrees with me...

Girl!

I forgot you could see him.

Now the whole world's gonna
find out I'm a fraud.

All my fans.
Let down by their one true god.

Even in despair,
she retains a healthy ego.

Alberta, you're looking at this
through the lens of your era.

I don't think people will be as bothered

by this as you worry they are.

So you don't think my fans
will think less of me?

Your fans love you.

One little incident's
not gonna change anything.

Oh, my God!

This is not gonna be super helpful.

Alberta was a rat.

[GASPS] SAMANTHA: I mean, Todd,

not that I am familiar yet
with what you're talking about,

but, honestly, I'm sure
it wasn't, like, a big deal.

No big deal? [STAMMERS]

She went against the entire code
that she lived by.

I've dedicated my entire adult life

to the study
and appreciation of this woman.

But now...

I'm not even sure I know who she is.

ALBERTA: Oh, my God.

I've lost Todd.

HETTY: Uh, Flower?

I have something that I am ashamed

to admit, but I feel I must.

A short time ago, I succumbed

to my demons and I sat
on the washing machine again.

Hetty, it's... it's okay.

No, it's not okay.

It's weak, it's immoral.

It's your body, isn't it?

I mean, you're in charge of it, right?

You mean since my husband passed away?

No! Since always, man!

Look, being ashamed of female pleasure

was just some BS thing that men
thought up to control women.

There is nothing wrong
with feeling good, Hetty.

And you don't need a man's permission.

But we still need men

to design and manufacture
the washing machines.

No, women can do that, too.

Heavens to Betsy!

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, what a time to be alive.

I mean, you know what I mean.

Hey, Alberta, we just, uh,
wanted to come check on you.

Don't you see, if Todd reacted that way,

then everyone who listens to the podcast

is gonna turn against me. [SIGHS]

- And they'd be right to.
- Wait, if ratting out Clara was

so against everything you believed in,

then why'd you do it?

Things weren't easy
for a woman my size back then.

Sure, we had Ma Rainey and Bessie Smith,

but that didn't mean that was
what the club owners were looking for.

[EXHALES]

And I was tired of being overlooked.

♪ Nobody knows you when you're down ♪

♪ And out, I mean,
when you're down and out ♪

All right.

The gig is yours.

Oh, yes! The Alberta era has begun.

Not you. Her.

Her?

Well, look at her.

She's a star, baby.

I guess you just don't have
what I do, hon. [CHUCKLES]

I agreed to stay on as
one of Clara's backup singers,

hoping someday my talent would win out.

For two years, I watched onstage

as someone less deserving lived
my dream right in front of me.

That must have been so hard.

ALBERTA: It was.

One day I decided...

I wasn't gonna take it no more.

I knew Clara dabbled in bootlegging.

Mostly 'cause I dabbled in bootlegging.

And so I dropped a dime on her.

And became a rat.

Alberta, you were
in a really unfair situation.

And, honestly, that Clara chick
kind of sounds like she sucks.

Smug little floozie
couldn't even hit a high C.

Oh, from my barbershop quartet days

I recognize that as quite the burn.

SAMANTHA: You know that that story

makes what you did completely
understandable, right?

And why didn't you tell us before?

'Cause it's not easy for me to be...

vulnerable.

I mean, people see me
as this super-confident diva.

But the truth is,
that's an armor I wear.

I struggle like everyone else.
But I don't let that show.

I need to be my loudest fan.

'Cause God knows there's
always been plenty of folks

trying to tear me down.
Okay, I didn't even think

this was possible, but this
makes me love you even more.

- Agreed.
- Yep.

Seriously?

And I'm pretty sure
your fans would think so, too.

I mean, jazz legend who has
insecurities just like me?

- I'm on board.
- Stars... they're just like us.

You're saying this makes me relatable?

- Oh, yeah.
- Like that Jason Momoa spread

in that magazine where
he's shopping for shoelaces?

You're saying I'm the female Momoa?

Oh, yeah, we're saying it.

Oh, what the hell?
Sam, you fire up that podcast.

We got a public to inspire.
I'm coming for you, regular joes.

Alberta's gonna inject some
hope into your dreary lives.

- Is she going too far?
- Let her have it.

Oh, your one true god is now relatable.

[LAUGHING]

SAMANATHA: So, perhaps,

Alberta's motivations were
more complicated than they seem.

If your theory is correct,

Alberta wasn't just a tremendous talent.

She was also a crusader
against unfair body standards,

which, honestly,
only makes me more impressed by her.

Yes! I got Todd back!

And makes my desire
to clone her even greater.

- What?
- Congratulations.

- [GROANS]
- You know, it's interesting, Todd.

If Alberta were here, I feel like
she'd probably be pretty grateful

this whole rat story came to light.

She might even
call me a hero for inviting you over

and discovering the diary.

Okay, girl. Calm down.

Look at Clara.

She kind of does looks mean,
doesn't she?

Gadzooks, I know that woman.

- What are you talking about?
- Oh, yeah.

She was here the night Alberta
performed at the mansion.

The night I was m*rder*d? Are you sure?

Yeah, she was wearing
this really big hat.

ISAAC: Oh, yes.

Do you know what this means?

We have our very first suspect.

[ALL GASPING]

Oh, great gasp, everyone. Bravo.

Are you okay?

I asked you a question,
and you just spaced out.

You do that a lot.

Well, you picked a good one.

What is this? What's happening?

Yeah. I mean, the last one
made such a racket.

What? No. No. The last one was fine.

Well, this bad boy's
the quietest in the market.

No! Put it down!
Put it down this instant!

Jay! Who are you to play God?

Goodbye, old friend.

I will always remember...
your spin cycle.

You know, you don't need
a washing machine

to achieve the feeling.

You don't?

There are so many other things
you can do.

Hmm. Here.

Walk with me.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

[GASPS] Dear Lord.

Oh, I would never!