05x14 - Director's Rut/Friday Night Fights

[bunniefuu]

This program is rated G

and is suitable for
general audiences.

the c♪

♪ Dodging girls
like ping pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach
the bathroom on time ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's gotta do what he can
to survive ♪

♪ In the Loud House!
In the Loud House! ♪

♪ Duck, dodge,
push and shove ♪

♪ It's how we show
our love ♪

♪ In the Loud House!
In the Loud House! ♪

♪ One boy and ten girls ♪

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world! ♪

♪ Loud house ♪

♪ Loud! ♪

♪ Loud House! ♪

[Lily] Poo-poo!

[jazzy pop music]

♪

[audience laughing]

Thanks for coming out
to Chuckle Condo,

Lansing's fourth
favourite comedy club.

[clears throat]

I'm sorry

but tonight's headliner
comedian has just canceled.

[crowd booing]

Maybe the comedian
had too much on his plate.

[laughing]

Or maybe it's pasta [past]
his bedtime.

[laughing]

Hey, Joanie, why don't you
come up on stage and perform?

You're already a hit
with the audience.

[cheering]

Okay, knock-knock.

Hey, Toots,
let's wrap it up.

If you want to turn
that play in on time,

you better get to school.

Just making some last-minute
changes to this scene.

And... it's done.

Oh!

[click]

[school bell ringing]

Hey Luan.

Hey, what's up, Benny?

I just wanted to say
good luck.

I hope you win
the playwriting contest.

Oh, thanks.
Knock on wood.

Hey!
Quit it, toots.

You're giving me
a splintering headache.

Ha-ha.

More like a migraine.
[my grain]

[laughing]

[Mrs. Bernardo]
Introducing, the woman

who recently coveted role
of Confused Eater

in the new Bourbon Burger
commercial, Mrs. Bernardo.

[smooching]

Wow, Mrs. B has really
stepped up her entrance game.

[cheering]

Thank you, thank you.
Please, hold your applause.

[clears throat]

[taped applause stops]

As you know, the winner
of the playwriting contest

will be directing
the play they wrote.

There were a number
of superb entries

but only one dazzled me.

And the winner is...

-Oh, my God.
-I've got this.

Luan Loud!

[Luan gasping]

Really?

Really, really
and you'll be needing this.

Every director must have one.

Congrats, Luan.

Thanks for
the opportunity, Mrs. B.

I can't wait to get started.

Whoa.
Ha-ha-ha.

Alright, everyone.

Welcome to our first rehearsal.

My play,

"Don't Sassafras Me: The Life
and Times of Joanie Sassafras"

is about my comedy hero

who took a chance
to pursue her dream.

I've written the roles
you'll be playing

on each of your scripts.

Wow,
I'm playing Joanie,

owner of the Chuckle Condo?

That's a lot
of responsibility, Luan.

Whoa!

Announcer guy
and Clown Judge # ?

Nice!

Okay, let's get started with
scene one.

This is where young Joanie
puts on her first show

for her kindergarten class.

Everyone,
take your places...

and action.

Who's ready for a show?

[cheering]

What's that?
I can't ear you.

[laughing]

[Lex snorting while laughing]

Cut! Cut! Cut!

Lex, what are you doing?

I workshopped my character

and decided
that he laughs like this

because
he has a deviated septum.

It makes his laugh weird but
in act two we discover that--

No, no, no, no.

I mean,
you're not even in this scene.

Oh, I added him 'cause we
didn't have any scenes together

and our onstage chemistry
is undeniable.

Amy, you're not
in this scene either.

Our chemistry needs context.

I don't know if--

Well, I guess
you can stay.

Let's move on.

Okay, this scene is
where Joanie auditions

to get into clown college.

This is a really big moment
in her life.

And action.

[in a British accent]
Hey, Governor,

why did the banana go
to the doctor?

It wasn't peeling well.

Cut!

Shannon,
what's with the accent?

Joanie's American.

I'm adding some sophistication
to my character.

Ever heard
of William Shakespeare?

He made all of his actors
speak in a British accent.

Well, okay fine.

Just not too cockney.

♪

In this scene,
Joanie leaves her family

and heads to the big city with
dreams of becoming a comedian.

And action!

[British accent]
Well, I'm off to the big city

with dreams of becoming
a comedian.

♪ Farewell
my young daughter ♪

♪ May all of your
fondest wishes come true ♪

Cut!

Um, Liberty,
this isn't a musical.

I know but my mom
sings to me every morning

before I leave for school.

Okay, fine.

We'll make the singing work.
Let's continue.

Is this the bus
to the city?

It sure is.

Here,
let me get your bag for you.

Amy, what are you doing?

The script
doesn't say "tap dance".

I'm just trying
to spice up the scene

by adding a jazzy choreography.

Rex and I have been
taking a couples tap class.

Let's show them
a little something, Rexy.

Five, six, seven, eight.

♪ Tap tap tappy tap ♪

Oh! Oof!

[crash]

[taped cheering plays]

Everyone, let's take five.

Ugh.

[moans]

What's wrong?

You look worse than I did

when I had a case of
the termites last month.

Oh, my friends are making
so many changes to my play,

it doesn't feel like
the same one I wrote.

[Liberty]
Mrs. B!

Amy and Rex
fell in the orchestra pit.

We're okay.

Luckily, we're also
taking a couples stunt class.

[muffled speech]

Our characters should
totally have a karate battle

during Joanie's
clown college graduation.

Yeah!

Ohhh!

I can't take it anymore.

This production
is out of control.

You're the director.

Just tell your theater pals
to zip it, shut their traps,

quit flapping their gums,
put a kibosh on it.

Oh, I can't!

I don't want my friends
to get mad at me.

Sorry, doll.
I can't relate.

I got no problems speaking my
mind and laying down the law.

Yeah, believe me, I know.

Hmm.

[school bell ringing]

Huh?

Listen up, folks.
I'm the director now.

There's going to be
some new rules around here.

Rule # :
stick to the script.

Wait, I'm confused.

Isn't that just
Luan holding a puppet?

Honestly,
I don't even know anymore.

I'm not taking direction
from a piece of wood.

The only thing wooden
around here is your acting.

Any more shenanigans
from you

and you'll never work
in high school theater again.

Now, places, everybody.

Take it from
the top of scene .

Introducing
the princess of puns,

the first lady of funny,
the shining star of Saginaw,

please welcome,
Joanie Sassafras.

♪

Cut. Cut. Cut.

Where's Joanie's
rolley-skates?

Those are part
of her signature look.

I thought Joanie
needed a bigger entrance.

Oh, you thought.

Well, your job is to read the
script the way it's written.

Now, give me laps,
Toots.

[heavy breathing]

You call that hustle?

I've seen molasses
move faster than that.

Aw.

Hey, Mr. C.,
what do you think?

I wore this
in last year's production

of a Meat Cart
Named Desire.

♪ Relish. Relish ♪

Oh!

[bonk]

Ah, I think
I need a little help.

Cut!
What's the big idea here?

I figured sure,
I could just walk

into scene
but isn't this more fun?

[boinging]

Anybody else have
a problem with walking?

Mmm.
Custard.

Huh?

♪

Get on now.
Get!

[neighing]

Anyone else have any changes
they'd like to make

to Luan's play?

-Nnn-nnn.
-I didn't think so.

I'll see you all tomorrow
for opening night

and don't even think
about showing up late.

Wow!

Mr. Coconuts,
that was amazing.

I could never speak up
to my friends the way you have.

Thanks to you my play actually
looks like the one I wrote.

Aw, you're welcome.
Now give me laps.

Huh?

Oh, sorry, Toots.
I'm just all wound up.

♪

-Hey!
-Hey, Luan.

What?
Benny, where is everyone?

The curtain goes up
in an hour.

I don't know how
to tell you this

but everyone quit your play.

What? Why?

They couldn't
deal with Mr. Coconuts.

But it's opening night.

What am I going
to do?

[Mrs. Bernardo]
You're going to fix this mess,

which is also the name
of my new one-woman show,

premiering this Saturday in the
common room of my condominium.

Make sure
you get there early.

My neighbours are planning
a BBQ that evening.

[clearing throat]

Luan, walk with me,
fellow thespian.

I chose your play
because it's about a woman

who stood up
and let her voice be heard.

If you want
to honour Joanie

by putting on your play
tonight,

you need to let your voice
be heard, not this.

Gah!

Now, go.

Find your actors and let
them hear what Luan has to say.

I will.

Thanks, Mrs. Bernardo.

Oh, sorry, Mr. Coconuts.

Give a guy a little
warning next time, Toots.

[overlapping conversation]

Hey, guys.

Listen, I should have never
put Mr. Coconuts in charge.

It's just that this play
means a lot to me

and when you were all changing
it, it wasn't mine anymore.

I should have just spoken up.
I'm sorry.

It's okay.

We shouldn't have messed
with your play, Luan.

We're sorry.

Aw, bring it in, Drama Club.

Aw, I'm sorry too.

I want in
on this cuddle puddle.

So, is there any chance
you guys are going

to come back
and do the play tonight?

Okay, guys, one more joke,
and then I gotta roll.

You're really
going to like this one.

What time does a duck wake up
in the morning?

At the quack of dawn.

[audience laughing]

Thank you
and good night.

[audience cheering]

Let's hear it
for our director, Luan Loud!

[audience cheering]

I couldn't have done
this without Mrs. Bernardo.

Come take a bow too,
Mrs. B.

[slow dramatic drum roll]

Thank you.
Thank you, everyone.

Ha-ha-ha.
Huh? Ah!

[crash]

I'm okay.

And that's a wrap, people.

♪

Go, Luan! Go!

[commentator] Looks like
the quarterback Luan Loud

is ready to kick off
The Rooster's final drive.

She's in the bootleg formation

with the middle linebacker
clearly eyeing her.

Jeez,
this is heading for disaster.

Uncanny.
How did you know?

I do have a IQ.

When I've attended -plus
games, two scrimmages,

and multiple team
pasta parties.

What did you expect?

I advise you all
to advert your eyes.

Including you, Randell.

[Luan gasps]

[splat]

[crowd gasps]

Royal Woods
gets blown out again.

to .

[low bass music]

[slurping]

I've never seen her
like this.

She doesn't even care
that the twins are doing

a deep dive on her dinner.

Look, LJ,
round two of my cheer-up meal:

mozzarella sticks
wrapped in bacon,

wrapped in chicken fingers,
wrapped in a cheesesteak.

Sorry, Pops.
Not really in the mood.

[father gasps]

If you're here to try to make
me feel better, don't bother.

It ain't going
to happen till we win.

I may be able to help a sister
out with that, as they say.

I'd like to offer your team my
services as an analytics coach.

Huh?
Like, numbers and junk?

Precisely.

Your play calling
is statistically flawed.

♪

[splatting]

Okay, if you run the ball
against this defense

what is the likely outcome?

Precisely.

Now, from
a mathematics' perspective,

if you run a mid-range pass
play like a dig

or an out route...

% touchdown, baby.

Actually,
. % but who's counting?

My point is
a numbers-based approach

would give your team
a winning advantage.

You'd do this for me,
Brain Box?

Patronizing nickname aside,

I cannot watch you
struggle like this

when I know
there's a mathematical fix.

Salutation, athletes.

Welcome to today's practice.

I am a new assistant coach,
Lisa Loud.

And I'd like
to introduce you all

to my associate,
Touchdown Bot.

[crashing]

You are ready for this?

[whirring]

I've programmed
his algorithm to access

any and all football situations
from a statistical perspective.

As the great Pythagoras
once said,

"Numbers rule the universe."

[upbeat sports music]

He's also been programmed
with team spirit functionality.

Ah!

[crash]

Hats off, bro.

Love the enthusiasm.

Okay,
you know what to do, team.

One, two, three.
Roosters!

Gah-kee!
A patting of hindquarters,

an unnecessary yet utterly
satisfying sports tradition.

My gut says we run
a slant route to Margo.

[Touchdown Bot beeping]

Try hook-and-ladder instead.

There's a % chance
it will end

in you shaking
your posteriors in victory.

Trust the numbers.

Hut-hut.

♪

Woo-hoo!

[ding]

Keep it moving, people!

According
to mathematical models,

the optimal amount
of cardio needed

to enhance gameplay
is . hours.

We need a water break, Coach.

Oh...

[whistle blowing]

So, what's the post-practice
grub sitch, Coach?

Wings? Nachos? Pasta?

Even better.

[whirring]

Uh, chalk?

Nutritional powder.

There are . milligrams
of iron in this,

the optimal amount of nutrients
needed to maximize performance.

It's a little dry.

Ah!

Now, dry off.

We have an athletic competition
which to partake.

[commentator]
This is the best

Royal Woods
has looked all season.

New analytics coach
Lisa Loud has them

in a tight game
but still trailing.

[beeping]

-X, dreamboat,
Archimedes, wag.

[whistle blowing]

Blue . Blue .
Hut-hut.

♪

Oh, she fakes the throw
and runs up the middle.

The , the , the .

Touchdown!

Woo!

Wow, Royal Woods scores
in the final seconds

but it's not enough.

They lose a nail biter - .

Post-game pounds
are for winners only.

I thought this math crud
was supposed to work, Lis.

It is working.

We may not have won
but we lost by a lot less

than in previous games.

You can see how my mathematics
approach is paying off.

At first, you were here.

Losing by points.
Now, we're here.

Losing by only points.

We have vastly improved.

Okay,
so, what's next?

We double our efforts.

I promised you wins.
I intend to deliver.

We're going to follow
the math to victory!

[cheering]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, P.
Let me help you with that.

[sniffing]

Hat sweat, helmet sweat,
cleat sweat?

Why is all your gear
in this bag?

Because Lisa traded me.

Grrr.
Hold this.

Lisa,
you traded Paula?

She's the only puncher we have.

Oh, we can't
be punching anymore.

Statistically speaking,

we're . % better off
going for it on fourth down.

Trust the numbers.

Oh, BT Dubs,
Margo's been traded too.

What?

Eh, Margo's a fine
receiver but she's only ' .

My calculations show
that we could increase

passing output
with someone taller.

[whistle blowing]

Meet, Wide Receiver .

At ' , she gives us
a giant statistical edge.

Uh, does she have a name?

I'm sure she does
but Wide Receiver

will do just fine.

Hey, squad, just an FYI

I housed a plate of
chili cheese fries just now

so you might want to stay away
from me in the huddle.

[burp]

Oh, ho ho.

Sorry about that,
player-I've-never-seen-before.

Who's this other

player-I've-also-
never-seen-before ?

Wait, who are any of
you people, and where's Maddie?

Maddie's been traded as well.

What?

She was the last person
on the team I knew

other than Randell the Rooster.

[Tiger mascot laughing]

Oh, come on.
You traded the rooster?

Statistically speaking,
teams with a feline mascot

have a . %
chance of victory.

Ugh!

[mascot groans]

We have a team full of randos
and you're playing Tic-Tac-Toe?

This isn't Tic-Tac-Toe.

I've built you
the most statistically

efficient team
in football history.

The numbers say

we'll win our next game
by points

and every game after.

Dear Sister, I promised you
a winning team and this is it.

Aw.

[crowd cheering]

This must be how famed
biologist Louis Pasteur felt

when he boiled up his
first beaker of buttermilk.

Alright,
you know what to do, team.

One, two, three.
Go, Tigers!

Hut-hut.

How 'bout some hustle,
Wide Receiver ?

Let's lie out for that.

Come on.

Who was supposed
to be covering my blind side?

♪

Ugh.

[whistling]

[laughing]

Hey!
That was a cheap sh*t!

We don't stand for cheap sh*ts.

Right, team?
Team?

Grr.

Ah!

Oof.
Royal Woods loses - .

This makes no sense.

I'm no Al Einstein

but I'm pretty sure
we just got our butts b*at.

I am aware of the proverbial
posterior thrashing

and will find
a mathematical fix, promise.

No, you've done enough.

I put my trust in you and your
numbers and it ruined my team.

I don't want
your help anymore.

Oh, no.
Oxytocin and endorphins.

Street name: tears.

Mathematics has failed me
and I have failed my sister.

♪

Dr. Loud, I have been
searching everywhere for you.

For what purpose?

Our partnership has
come to an end, Touchdown Bot.

[voice slowing]
But what am...

We had a good run.

[slow piano jazzy music]

♪

[Maddie]
Yeah, over here!

I'm open! I'm open!

Hut.

[laughing]

-Great catch.
-That was a perfect throw.

I know how to fix this.

[crowd chattering]

[Luan] You've got some
nerve showing up to the game.

I told you,
I don't need your help.

I'm not going
to help you, they are.

Maddie, Margo, Paula?

What are you guys
doing here?

Lisa traded to get us back.

I had the best roster
on paper

but turns out,
games aren't won on paper.

The one thing my algorithm
could never program

was the human factor.

For a team to win, you
have to care about each other.

I know I've let you down.

So, I hereby resign
but I'd be happy to be

the new mascot if
that would help the team.

Uh-uh. You're a better
coach than a mascot.

Come on.

We can still make this work.

[commentator]
It's a tight one, folks,

with the Hockers up by three.

What's the final play call,
Coach?

The numbers are saying
we run a skinny post to Maddie.

[stomach growling]

Actually, my guts saying
we try a hook-and-ladder.

Let's do it.

[whistle blowing]

Blue . Blue .
Hut-hut.

♪

Ye-ye-ye-ye-yeah!

Royal Woods wins!
Royal Woods wins!

-He-he!
-Whoa!

[splash]

I would have preferred
a victory pat to my posterior.

Prepare for victory pat.

Oh, dear!

♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud House!
In the Loud House! ♪

♪ Duck, dodge,
push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way
we show our love ♪

♪ In the Loud House!
In the Loud House! ♪

♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line to take a pee,
never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with kids ♪

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud House ♪

[bubbling]