02x11 - Mad Love

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The New Batman Adventures".Aired: September 13, 1997 to January 1999.
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02x11 - Mad Love

Post by bunniefuu »

Stupid, useless waste of time.

Have a seat.
I'll be right with you.

I don't mind saying,
I really hate these checkups.

If it weren't part of the police physical,
I wouldn't be here at all.

Oh, come now, Commissioner.

What in the miserable world
is more beautiful

than a nice, big smile?

Naughty, naughty. Jump around like that,
and doctor won't give you a lollipop.

You little-


My, my. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
This doesn't look good at all.

I'm afraid

everything will have to go!

It was an easy hint, Joker.
Sloppy, predictable.

- You're losing your edge.
- Excuse me, but the teeth were my idea.

So is this.

That's a real gasser, huh, Mr. J?

I give the punch lines around here.
Got it?

Yes, sir.

Well, Batsy, it's been a hoot, as always.

But I really must run.

May the floss be with you.

I really hate these checkups.

Go away. I'm busy.

Aw, come on, Pudding.
Don't you wanna rev up your Harley?

Vroom, vroom.

Oh, sweetie. I got the whoopee cushion.

Batman was right.
That setup today was corny. Old hat.

It's time I capped off our feud
with his ultimate humiliation.

Followed by his deliciously
delirious death.

Why don't you just sh**t him?

Just sh**t him? Know this, my sweet.

The death of Batman must be
nothing less than a masterpiece.

The triumph of my sheer comic genius

-over his ridiculous mask and gadgets.
- Ow!


Well, hold the phone.

Here's one I forgot.
The Death of 100 Smiles.

I'II lure Batman to a secret lair,
then bang!

Plop him into my
specially-prepared piranha t*nk.

The last thing he'll see
are all those beautiful, hungry smiles

as they rip him to...


Oh, wait, wait.
Now I remember why I scrapped this plan.

Piranhas can't smile.
Even my own Joker toxin

couldn't get a giggle out of them.

I know how to make some smiles, Pudding.

Face it, Harl. This stinks.

You're a certified nutso
wanted in 12 states

and hopelessly in love
with a psychopathic clown.

At what point did my life go Looney Tunes?
How did it happen?

Who's to blame? Batman, that's who.

Batman! It's always been Batman!
Ruining my life, spoiling my fun,

coming between me and my Pudding
from the very beginning.

Harleen Quinzel? I'm Joan Leland.

Hi, Joan. Call me Harley. Everyone does.

I must admit, I was surprised
you wanted to intern here at Arkham.

Well, I've always had an attraction
for extreme personalities.

- They're more exciting, more challenging.
- And more high-profile?

You can't deny there's an element
of glamour to these supercriminals.

I'II warn you right now,
these are hard-core psychotics.

If you're thinking about
cashing in on them...

...by writing a tell-all book,
think again.

They'd eat a novice like you
for breakfast.

Care to tell me
how this got in my office?

I put it there.

I think the guards would be interested
to know you've been out of your cell.

If you really were going to tell,
you already would have.

You know, sweets, I like what I've heard
about you, especially the name.

Harley Quinzel.

Rework it a bit, and you get Harley Quinn.

Like the clown character Harlequin.
I know. I've heard it before.

It's a name that puts a smile on my face.

It makes me feel there's someone here
I can relate to.

Someone who might like to hear my secrets.

It took me nearly three months
to set up a session.

I studied all his tricks and gimmicks,
and felt I was ready for anything.

You know, my father used
to b*at me up pretty badly.

Anything except that.

Every time I got out of line, bam!

Oh, sometimes I'd be just sitting there,
doing nothing.


Pops tended to favor the grape, you see.


There was only one time
I ever saw Dad really happy.

He took me to the circus when I was seven.

Oh, I still remember the clowns
running around, dropping their pants.

My old man laughed so hard,
I thought he'd bust a gut.

So the very next night,

I ran out to meet him with his
best Sunday pants around my ankles.

"Hi, Dad. Look at me."


I took a big pratfall and tore the crotch
clean out of his pants.

And then he broke my nose.

But, hey, that's the downside of comedy.

You're always taking shots from folks
who just don't get the joke.

Like my dad. Or Batman.

It soon became clear to me
that the Joker

so often described as a raving,
homicidal madman

was actually a tortured soul
crying out for love and acceptance.

A lost, injured child trying
to make the world laugh at his antics.

And there, as always,
was the self-righteous Batman.

Determined to make life
miserable for my angel.

Yes, I admit it.

As unprofessional as it sounds,
I had fallen in love with my patient.

- Pretty crazy, huh?
- Not at all.

As a dedicated, career-oriented
young woman,

you felt the need to abstain
from all amusement and fun.

It's only natural you'd be attracted to
a man who could make you laugh again.

- I knew you'd understand.
- Anytime.

Then there was that horrible week
when he escaped.

The poor thing was on the run,
alone and frightened.

I was so worried.

They've got him.


Knock-knock, Pudding. Say hello
to your new, improved Harley Quinn.

It seemed like we would
live happily ever after.

But that'll never happen as long
as there's a Batman around

to torment my Pudding.


If this tape reaches Batman, I hope
it's not too late for you to help me.

It's no joke.
Mr. J's gone off his nut for real.

Because you stopped him
from k*lling Gordon,

he said he's gonna take out
the whole city.

I've seen the plans
the gas b*mb, everything!

I finally realize
this isn't funny anymore.

I can help you get him
if you promise me protection.

Open it.

- Okay?
- I want Gordon to see these.

If what you say is true, the police will-


No one turns stoolie on me
and lives!

Sweet dreams, sucker.

- Quinn.
- Oh, you're awake finally.

The Joker. Where?

It's just me, B-man.
No Joker, no gas b*mb, no city in peril.

Just you, that t*nk and me.


To show Mr. J
I could really pull off one of his plans.

See, he could never get
these fishies to smile,

but then I had the bright idea
of hanging the victim,

that's you, upside down.

That way, to you,
it'll look like they're smiling.

- Clever?
- Brilliant.

Yeah, yeah, I can tell
you're less than thrilled.

You know, for what it's worth,
I actually enjoyed some of our romps.

But there comes a time
when a gal wants more.

And now all this gal wants is to
settle down with her loving sweetheart.

- You and the Joker?
- Right-a-roony.

I've never seen you laugh before.
I don't think I like it.

Cut it out. You're giving me the creeps.

You little fool. The Joker doesn't love
anything except himself.

Wake up, Harleen.

He had you pegged for hired help
the minute you walked into Arkham.

That's not...

No. No!

He told me things,
secret things he never told anyone.

Was it his line about the abusive father?
Or the one about the runaway mom?

He's gained a lot of sympathy
with that one.

Stop it! You're making me confused!

What was it he told that
one parole officer? Oh, yes.

"There was only one time
I ever saw Dad really happy.

"He took me to the ice show
when I was seven."

Circus. He said it was the circus.

He's got
a million of them, Harley.

You're wrong.
My Pudding does love me! He does!

You're the problem.

And now you're gonna die
and make everything right.

Except he'll never believe you did it.


Sure he will.

How's Joker gonna know I'm really gone?

All those fish will leave
are scraps of bone and cloth.

Anyone can fake that.

True, you've got my belt,
but it's not the same as a body.

He'll never buy it.

Boring. Lame. Not funny.

Been done. Too Riddler.



Oh. Where the heck have you been, huh?
Ah. Uh-huh.

Yeah, yeah. Batman, eh?
Well, you don't say.

You have who tied up where?

Well, nerts to you,
Mr. Smarty-Bat.

When I told Mr. J what I was doing,

he was so thrilled he could hardly speak.


Hi, Pudding.
You're just in time to see the-

Excuse me, I'll be just a minute.

But, Pudding, I don't understand.

Don't you wanna finally get rid of Batman?

Only if I do it, idiot!

But it's still your plan, see?
Everything just like you said.

Except I hung the guy upside down

so he'd see their little frowns
as little smiles.

Now it all works.

Except you had to explain it to me!

If you have to explain a joke,
there is no joke!

Now, calm down, Pudding.

You've forgotten what I told you
a long time ago,

one of the painful truths of comedy,

you always take shots from folks
who just don't get the joke!

And don't call me "Pudding."

My fault. I didn't get the joke.

I really have to
apologize for the kid.

No respect for tradition. Ha!

Let's just pretend the whole thing never
happened and do this some other time.


Then again,
this is a rather rare opportunity.

Heh. You know what they say,

"A bat in the hand is worth
two in the belfry."

I guess you're going out
on a laugh after all.

Real funny, Batman! Aah!

Made you look.

She almost had me, you know.

Arms and legs chained,
dizzy from the blood rushing to my head.

I had no way out other than
convincing her to call you.

I knew your massive ego would never
allow anyone else the honor of k*lling me.

Though I have to admit, she came
a lot closer than you ever did,



Though the Joker has been notorious
for resurfacing when least expected,

it seems unlikely that he has survived
his latest brush with Batman.

Never again. No more obsession,

no more craziness,

no more Joker.

I finally see that slime for what he is,

a m*rder, manipulative,

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