03x03 - Autumn If You Got Em Adventure

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

Hey, late night party, Judy.

Gah. Don't sneak up
on me like that.

I'm from your imagination.
How can I possibly surprise you?

I don't know, Alanis. Maybe
because I'm a young teen woman

whose brain and heart are full
of mysterious twists and turns.

Okay, okay.
You're up pretty late.

Yeah. There was a big
town dance tonight.

Oh, and did something happen?

Uh, yeah, you could say that.

JUDY: Moon and his friends
pulled off a heist.

One, two... Russell,
why are you lifting?

I said roll, not lift.
It has wheels.

- My Corn Caddy.
- Sorry, I panicked.

JUDY: Dad might be swinging.
No judgment.

Ham and Crispin broke up.

Crispin, here,
I bought you that ring,

and I am breaking up with you.

JUDY: Gill and I kissed,
and Wolf and Honeybee got caught

with their pants down, literally.

- Wait, what?
- I know.

Gill kissed you?
Ham and Crispin broke up?

- I know.
- Your dad is a swinger?

Honeybee and Wolf did it
in a corn truck?

I know!

Okay, do you want to hear
the story or what?

Do I want to hear the story
of your entire family

going fully bonkers in
the conkers at some sort

of weird Alaskan
autumn-based social gathering?

- Uh, yes.
- The autumn-based event is called

the Fall Frenzy Dance.
Now, we've talked about

the annual Lone Moose
Fall Frenzy, right?

Uh, we haven't, but please
do not tell me about it

- with a historical flashback.
- JUDY: Uh, yeah.

- Back in the s...
- ALANIS: Okay, too late.

JUDY:
...the first Fall Frenzy Dance

was held on the very last day

of what could be called Fall,

when the last little patch of water

freezes over on Fall-Thru lake.

After that,
it's officially winter here.

It was the final day
to find a partner,

switch a partner, or have

a casual ankle-viewing encounter

that might sustain
your imagination

through the winter
hardships to come.

At this dance, and all week
leading up to it, people

are known to make very, very,
very, very bad decisions.

Marriages start, marriages end,

regular cousins
become kissing cousins.

Back in , there was
apparently a town orgy,

and then everything shut down

because no one could look anyone
in the eye for a full month.

My point is,
during Fall Frenzy week,

up is down, down is up,
and left and right?

[chuckling] I mean,
forget about it.

That sounds a lot like
what would happen

at Eddie Vedder's
Cheddar Double-Header,

a music and cheese festival he
used to host in Tillamook, Oregon.

Last time I went,
I saw Beck take a huge bite

out of the GEICO lizard
in the VIP tent.

Mm-hmm, yes.
That's exactly the vibe.

And we Tobins are not
immune to the wanton freedom

in the air during the week
leading up to the dance.

Sure, this week started off with
us doing something very normal,

our usual Sunday Serenades,
which is where we all sing

compliments to each other.
Very normal.

Yeah, very normal.

♪ Moon is very organized ♪

♪ And Judy has such gleaming eyes ♪

♪ Dad's elbows are the perfect size. ♪

Honeybee, I need to see you
in the guest house ASAP.

Oh, no, what is it?
Is the furnace doing that thing

where you think it's saying
your name again?

Nope. I'll explain when
we get there. Come on, run.

What was up with Wolf?
Was he dying?

[chuckles] In a way.
You see, Wolf has a little...

he's got a little issue
with the Corn Caddy.

So, hold on, it's a what Caddy?

Corn Caddy. It's a food
truck that occasionally

comes through town and
serves corn on the cob.

It's shaped like a giant ear
of yellow corn

with a big butter pat on it,
and it glistens in the sun.

Oh, how it glistens.

- And it makes you H-O-R-N-Y?
- Extremely.

And that's why we had
to come back here and...

- Yup.
- Okay, okay.

I got to get a peep
of this buttery Jeep,

see what all the fuss is about.

Oh, you're gonna love it.
It's so shiny.

Uh-oh. I thought about it again.

[laughs]

I think I get it. I have
a weird thing about Slim Jims.

I love those little perverts.

And don't get me started
on Nerds candies.

You're attracted to Nerds candies?

- Awoogah.
- Well, speaking of sweets,

that was the only part
of the Fall Frenzy

that interested Moon.

And once we reach the
door, we offload all the

desserts from the Fall
Frenzy Dance dessert table

into the Dread Sled . ,
and vanish into the night.

Or, more specifically,
to my house.

Our garage freezer
is completely empty

except for one package
of Healthy Boy Bacon Crammers.

Oh, I love Bacon Crammers.

Jamie and I always split one
when we watch the news.

How many desserts do you think
we're looking at here?

All in, we're talking
a score north of

individual servings of sweets.

Minimum each.

- [whistles]
- Yeah.

Remember, tell no one.

Especially not Quinn Notti,

whose mom makes
the famous beaver brownies.

She's smart and will figure out
what we're up to

if she even gets a whiff.

[Henry scoffs]

Of course
we're not gonna tell her.

You don't see the Hamburglar

telling Ronald McDonald's
daughter what he's up to,

and... [laughs] the Hamburglar
is the best in the biz.

Uh, fun heist story, Jude,

but let's get back to the fact
that you and Gill kissed.

Oh, that, well, okay, fine.
Here's how it got started.

I was just walking down the hall,

innocently practicing
my speech for debate class...

And that concludes my
argument as to why Garfield

permanently changed
lasagna culture... What? What?

- What the... What's going on?
- Come with us, Miss.

Guys, what is happening?

This. This is happening.

"Gill's Plan To Kiss Judy

At the Fall Frenzy Dance."
Oh, my God.

I was walking behind Gill
this morning when

- it fell out of his notebook.
- It is detailed, and it is specific.

"Step one:
Show her my fingernails.

Very clean." Oh, God.

Step really caught my eye.

"Ask Judy whether she knows
how often sloths poop."

I mean, of course I know that,

it's once a week
at its most frequent,

but how would that
lead to kissing me?

The plan has steps,

so that must just be
when he's making conversation.

- Step just says, "wiggle."
- Oh, God.

Look, Kima and I are both
gonna be at the Frenzy,

so we can run interference.

Yeah, I broke up with Tab again
this morning

because he couldn't name
one single female author,

and then, when I got mad,
he said, "Fine, Baby Shark."

- That's not good.
- Rough.

So, yeah, I'm free
to Gill-block.

Me, too. I'm only going
to the dance

to see adults
acting drunk and weird.

Thanks for helping me, guys.
I mean, Gill is nice, he is nice,

but I am not interested
in him sexually,

or sensually, or sexsensually,

which is sex, but with
candles and a breeze.

If he kissed me, it would be...

[imitates video game
sound effects]

- Game over for our friendship.
- [school bell rings]

You know what I mean?
Oh, holy crud.

What is step ?
"Drop into the Gill Zone"?

I pray we never have to know.

Okay, so it sounds like you had
a pretty good plan in place

to keep Gill from getting
his smackers on your crackers.

What went wrong?

Mm-hmm, yeah, gonna dive back
into that shortly, can't wait,

but I wasn't the only one
about to get caught up

in the absolute swamp
of feelings

that is the Fall Frenzy.

JUDY:
Thanks for the ride, Dad.

Actually, guys,
I'm coming in with you.

I need some new work gloves,

and Crazy, Stupid, Gloves
is having a % off sale.

Oh, look, Crispy,
there's still minutes

'til your shift starts
at Smoothie Boss.

We have enough time
to stand in front

of the Magic Eye poster
kiosk with our arms

around each other and
watch that pair of dolphins

emerge out of the field of dots.

We're coming,
Richard and Susan Dolphin.

Prepare to be seen.

BEEF: Oh, pardon my fingertips.

- Beef Tobin?
- Dell? I-I thought you'd gone

to Susnita for salmon season.

I did, and it just ended.
That's why I came back.

You look ruddier
than I remember.

Thank you. Your nose skin
looks quite chapped.

Please, there are people around.

Beef, there's something
I have to tell you.

During my salmon trip,
I met a gentleman.

Understood.
I'll trouble you no more.

No, wait.
As you know, in the past,

my suitors have always met
with gruesome deaths,

which is why I was hesitant
to go out with you,

but this new guy, Alan...

- Damn his eyes.
- Beef.

- Sorry.
- Well, he survived our entire relationship.

He got pretty severe
food poisoning at one point,

but that's on him for eating
a French dip he found in the park.

%. But the relationship?

- It's ended, then?
- Yes, and that is why

I feel bold enough to ask you:

Would you go to the
Fall Frenzy Dance with me?

- [chuckles] Yes.
- STORE CLERK: Um,

if you keep holding hands
in the gloves,

you'll have to purchase those.

- Put them on my tab.
- You don't have a tab.

- I don't know who you are.
- I'm a man with a date

to the Fall Frenzy Dance
and a new pair of gloves.

So, is it all right
if we meet at the dance?

I'll be coming straight
from helping my cousin out

with her sausage-making
business.

I pick the bones and gristle
out of the meat mush.

Of course you do.

- Anyhow, toodle-loo.
- Farewell.

I hate to see her leave,
but I enjoy

when she is walking
away from me.

- Beef?
- Oh. Hello, Ms. Meatweep.

I thought that might be you,
and then I thought,

"Greta, just because a man looks
exactly like a person you know

who looks exactly like that,
doesn't mean it's him."

Anyway, I'm so glad it is you

because I was meaning
to call you to ask you

to go to
the Fall Frenzy with me.

The Frenzy. Yes, I...

- Oh, you said yes.
- Oh, uh, I-I...

Wonderful. I'll meet you there
because I have

- a late doctor's appointment.
- Mm. Unfortunately, I've developed

- a condition called creamy clavicle.
- Mm.

All neck jewelry
just slides right off.

- Okay, see you there.
- Wait. Come back. No.

Two dates to the same dance.
My God, what have I done?

Ooh, and this one's a ring pop.

- Sir, no it's not.
- Well, it should be.

- It's delicious.
- Oh, wow.

I love Magic Balls.

They're like little goth
grapefruits with wizards inside.

Looks great.
Really brings out your knuckles.

I don't have $
to spend right now.

I'm saving up to buy my dad
a mystery kite for his birthday.

It comes with a blindfold
that you can't take off

until it's up in the air.

Well, time to go
to work. Shall we?

Actually, um, I'm gonna
go check the "you are here"

on the mall directory map
real quick.

I don't think I'm there.

All right, see you later,
sweet Sir Tobin of Hamelot.

See you.

I'll take this
Ball ring, please.

It's a surprise for my
boyfriend. [chuckles]

Yeah, well, here's a surprise
for you, honey,

I don't really care.

I see what
you're saying about creating

a whole new category

of handsome guys
called t*nk Top Tonys.

Oh, hey, there's that truck

- you like. Wolf?
- [sensual music playing]

- Oingo boingo.
- Babe?

Are you there, God?
It's me, horny.

Wolf, stop!

- [screams, grunts]
- [gasps]

- Babe, you okay?
- Oh, no, my bones.

Well, Judy, I say
you ought to just kiss Gill.

He has such a gentle energy,
like an anesthetized owl.

Ew, Alyson, no.
I'm not kissing Gill or an owl.

Unless it was, like-like,
a dangerous owl

that rode a motorcycle
and called me "Judy Baby."

Mm-kay, that could be something,
that could be something for me.

- Judy. - Oh, hey, Dad.
- Hello, Beef.

I was just telling Judy
about the benefits

of dating nice guys and...
Hey, that gives me an idea.

Would you like to go to
the Fall Frenzy Dance with me?

- Um...
- ALANIS: Oh, no.

Your Dad said yes, didn't he?

You bet he did.

He was in the frenzy
up to his french fries.

Three dates.
A classic father four-way.

Judy, that sounds weird.

- You're telling me.
- So, what happened next?

And when are you gonna spill
about Gill?

Oh, I'd love to tell you
about it, I just...

I'm so into that,
but I... I have to pee.

Really? You're not just saying
that to avoid telling me?

No. I really have to pee.
And I also have to poop,

and it's all... it's a lot.
So, I'll be right back.

I didn't need to know
about the poop.

JUDY:
Hey, don't be a prude, Alanis.

- Okay, I'm back.
- Wonderful. Now, let's buckle down

and hear how Gill
managed to kiss you.

Yes... girl. [laughs]

I can't wait to tell you that,
but first,

let me tell you a little bit
more about Ham.

Before we knew it,
it was the night of the dance.

And so, Crispin, I offer
you this ring as a token...

Hey, Ham, we're...

Oh, my goodness,
is that a ring? [gasps]

- Are you proposing?
- What? No.

Crispin just liked this ring at
the mall, so I got it for him.

Wait, do you think he's
gonna think I'm proposing?

Is this too much?!
Oh, God.

- You getting hitched?
- [scoffs] Seriously,

can everyone stop saying that?

It's just a $ ring I bought
for my boyfriend for fun.

Oh, why couldn't he have
just liked an anklet?

Ham, relax. It'll be fine.
He'll love it.

Don't do that thing
where you let absolutely

- everyone get in your head.
- Oh, God, do I do that?

You're right, I do do that.
Oh, why do I do that?!

Ham, remember what tonight is.

You're frenzying.
Don't make me pinch you.

- Please pinch me.
- I'll do it.

Ow. Damn it. [sighs]

That's much better.
Thank you, Moon.

No prob.

BEEF: Children,
before we go in,

I need a little dating advice.

I'm afraid that I have fallen
into a frenzy hole

- of epic proportions.
- What are you talking about, Dad?

I accidentally said yes
to three dates.

GILL: Step one, show
Judy my fingernails.

- Very clean.
- [gasps]

[stammers] Sorry, Dad, we're
gonna have to help you later.

Right now, I need everybody
to form a circle around me

and walk me into the building
in a protective huddle

that will not let any outsider's
lips anywhere near me.

- Copy that, Judy.
- But, guys,

I'm about to be
a total doof in there.

Yeah, well, doof it up, Dad.
It's Fall Frenzy.

Okay, we're about
halfway there and...

- Lordy, Lordy, look who's corny.
- [sensual music playing]

- Wolf.
- I'm just gonna go stand near it.

I-I'll be careful, I-I promise.

All right,
but I'm coming with you.

- You aren't safe near that cob.
- But, guys, I need you.

It's Fall Frenzy, Judy.
You said it yourself.

Ugh. Fine. Moon, Ham, can you
continue to shuffle me in?

Let the continued
sister shuffling commence!

Hmm... maybe if I see
any of my dates tonight,

I'll just say,
"Draculas," and point.

Ah, no. Then they'll turn
to where I'm pointing,

and they'll see
there are no Draculas.

I could say,
"The president needs me,"

and pretend to talk
into my cell phone.

[grunts] If only I were
someone else tonight.

Maybe that's it.

Maybe I should just claim
to be someone named... Derek,

and run away politely.

All right, that's the plan.

- I'll just stay calm and...
- Beef?

No, I'm Derek. Politely.

Okay, guys, if you could just
shuffle me over to Kima.

Hey. Crispin.

- Russell, Henry.
- Guys, no, I...

- Oh, hi, Judy.
- ALANIS: Wait, so he didn't show you

- his very clean fingernails?
- Nope.

And he didn't do
step two, either,

which was, "tell her
I know what CVS means."

- What does it mean?
- Well, I guess I'll never know.

And he also
didn't do number six,

which was, "wink and twirl."

I mean, I was standing
right there.

- Huh. So it was like he...
- Lost interest in kissing me.

Did something change about me
in the last couple days? [gasps]

Do I have a piece of buttered
toast stuck to my back again?

Don't let your guard down, Judy.

He's probably just
biding his time.

Uh-oh. He's on the move.
He's... he's...

Huh. He's just heading
to the soup station.

He's getting a handful
of gazpacho,

like with his actual hands.

But what about his
"fingernails, very clean"?

Ah, there you are, I've been
looking all over for...

Not now, Dell.
The president needs me

because there are
so many Draculas.

- What?
- Go for Derek.

- Hey, Beef.
- Sorry, Alyson, can't talk.

What's that, sir? The Draculas
are in the White House?

What in the world?

- What do you have there?
- This?

Oh, it's my hand.
I use it for all kinds of stuff,

like... this... and, um, that.

All right. You want to get
our picture taken?

We could do a wacky one.

Oh, wow, the bathroom line
is short,

maybe I'll go take advantage
of that. Be right back.

[Ham sighs]

- What do you got there?
- Oh, it's a ring for my boyfriend.

- Proposing, huh?
- What... No. Absolutely not.

I'm ,
and I'm not gonna let

someone else get
in my head about this.

I got married at to my
high school sweetheart, Trishup.

- My angel. Thought it was love.
- And it wasn't?

I mean, it might've
started that way,

but we never sowed
our wild oats.

We came to resent each other.

Next thing you know,
she was spending all her time

at the Square Dance Saloon,
and I was building a truck

that looked like a big ear of corn,

just driving it around
to get some space.

Oh, no, from Trishup,
your angel?

Yup. Do yourself a favor, son.

- If you love this guy, let him go.
- Oh, God, really?

Y-You think
I should break up with him?

It's like Bobby Frost said,
"Nothing gold can stay."

[groans] All right, got to go
send the fudge to the sludge.

Oh, God, he did it.
He got in my head'

You got to calm down, Ham.

Oh, I'm gonna pinch myself. Ow!

Nope. Didn't work.
Still freaking out.

Once we're through the doors,
we load the desserts

in the sled and head due east.

By the time they realize what
we've done, these desserts

will be in an offshore
account in the Cayman Islands.

Beef?
Please, Beef, turn around.

We've put together what happened
here tonight. The three dates.

I am so sorry. I've never had
to say "no" to a date before.

Except one time
in elementary school,

when a young lady asked
if I wanted to watch her uncle

read the Bible to his pigs.
So, I was...

- Flummoxed. Beef, we're not angry.
- You're not?

We all know
you're a really nice guy.

And it's Fall Frenzy.
This is what happens.

Besides, the three of us
have been having

a really great time talking.

Turns out, we have a lot
in common. We all love to read.

And none of us plays the harp,
but we each have one in our homes.

And, turns out,
we all have tattoos

- of Tweety Bird near our butt cracks.
- Oh, my.

Anyway, Beef, we came over here
to ask you to dance.

- With... all three of you?
- Why not?

The lake's not frozen
over yet, and neither are we.

Well, I am in menopause,

if that's what that's
a metaphor for.

All right, then, let's Frenzy.

WOLF: I can't believe he
left the window open for us

to climb in. Rookie mistake
when Wolf's around.

- Huh.
- Huh, what?

I thought that if I ever
got in the Corn Caddy,

I'd never want to leave,
or maybe I'd die,

but I think seeing the truck

from the inside
might've cured me.

Woo. I'm just gonna let
a little more

cool air in here,
my Corny Sigourney.

- [alarm blaring]
- [gasps]

- [screaming]
- Let's go, let's go. Go, go, go, go, go.

- [Honeybee screams]
- WOLF: Go, go, go, go, go, go.

- My Corn Caddy.
- I'm sorry. I panicked.

I'm panicking.

Crispin, here,
I bought you that ring,

and I am breaking up with you.

- Wait, stop.
- What is it?

You skipped over the part about
how Gill managed to kiss you.

- Oh. Did I?
- Yes, and you have to tell me.

Uh, yeah.
Want to tell you about that.

Fully cannot wait,
but first, I have to tell you

how the dessert table
started acting absolutely

- haunted as hell.
- The desserts are deserting us.

- Oh, hello, Moon.
- Quinn. You heisted our heist.

Fair play.
The desserts are yours.

- Or maybe there's a deal to be struck.
- Go on.

You see,
the beaver brownie leftovers

come home with my family.

Your heist endangered
my score, so...

You did what you had to do.

But I have nowhere to hide
all these desserts,

so I want in on your deal
and on your friendship.

My friends Lola and Corinne
got really into makeup

and a website called
"Bunches of Boys" this year,

and no judgment,
but that is not how I ride.

I think we could make that work.

Oh, my God,
I think they're in love.

Shut it, Russell.
We still have a job to do.

- Yes, sir.
- Let's cake and bake.

Ham, what's going on?

- Do you really want to break up with me?
- No. God, no.

- Well, then...?
- Well, I bought you that

Ball ring at the mall, but
then Judy and Moon got in my head

thinking you would think
I was proposing.

And then there was a man
in line for the bathroom

who said if we did
wind up staying together

and getting married,
then someday, I would

have to watch the lovelight
die in your eyes, and...

and I don't want you
to ever have to go down

to the Square Dance Saloon
just to get away from me.

Ham, no disrespect
to your siblings,

or to a man you met
in the bathroom line,

but I know you just bought me
that ring 'cause I liked it.

Also, I mean, my parents
met in high school

and then got married,
and... they're still together.

Everybody's different.

Our future's like... like the dolphins
in the Magic Eye poster.

We'll see it eventually, and
it'll probably be breathtaking.

- Mm.
- Mm.

- Okay, can I have the ring now?
- Of course.

So, ring, will Ham and I
be together forever?

And then that was that.
The Fall Frenzy was over and...

- Judy...
- [grunts] Fine. I'll tell you about the kiss.

♪ ♪

You know what, guys?
Uh... I'll be right back.

Um, hey, Gill?

- Oh, hey, Judy.
- Can I ask you something?

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, Amelia found this?

- I'm so embarrassed.
- Gill. Gill.

It's okay, Judy, if you
never want to see me again.

Gill, that's not...
No, that's not what I'm saying.

- It's just, um...
- Yeah?

Why didn't you do it? The plan?

I mean, you didn't even try.

Did you stop thinking
I was that great?

Judy, no. This plan
is from my vision journal.

I also have plans in there
for how to make

my hamster Peanut Butter
part android,

and how to get Paul Newman
to give me a piggyback ride.

And he's not even alive, Judy.
What am I gonna do?

Dig up his body, and get
his skeleton to ride me around?

The point is, these plans are...

they're not real.
They're just...

my wildest, wildest dreams.

So, your wildest, wildest dream
is that someday

- you'll get to kiss me?
- Yeah.

Ah, freak it, it's the Frenzy.

- Mm.
- Mm.

[grunting]

Oh, that's why you
didn't want to tell me,

because you kissed him.

Yeah, but it wasn't... I mean,
it was just... Fall Frenzy.

Stuff happens. You know,
autumn if you got 'em.

- Yeah, uh-huh. - And
then, the ice freezes over

and so do the feelings,
and then we never

talk about them
or think about them ever again.

- [chuckles] Okay. If you say so.
- Yeah, I do say so.

I do.
Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to hit the hay.
It's been a very long day,

and also, frankly,
I have to poop some more.

All right, m'Judy.
Have fun pooping.

I will. You, too.

♪ ♪

♪ Drop into the Gill Zone ♪

♪ If you want to get that girl ♪

♪ Boy, you got to wink
and twirl ♪

♪ She is closer than you think ♪

♪ Just give a twirl and wink ♪

♪ Got to tell her ♪

♪ What she means ♪

♪ Show her how
your nails are clean ♪

♪ And you can make her
all your own ♪

♪ Drop into the Gill Zone ♪

♪ Did I tell you
about the time ♪

♪ I found a mushroom
in my bed? ♪

♪ If you're wondering
what's that sound ♪

♪ It's probably me
inside your head ♪

♪ Saying, "You'll never
have to be alone ♪

♪ You dropped into
the Gill Zone." ♪

You want to know
what CVS stands for?